Daniel: So I have, like, a question of etiquette around polyamory. Okay?
Nichole: Maybe Yeah. You came to the right place.
Laurel: Yeah. I am very etiquetteful.
Daniel: You two are the most polite people that I have ever met. I've lived a very very dark life.
Laurel: I think I'm gonna say maybe that's what makes us successful at polyamory.
Nichole: Is that we're not polite?
Laurel: Is that we're not so caught up in what is polite.
Nichole: Polite. What is PC these days? What is moral anyway? I'm just asking questions.
Laurel: It's not my fault that you answered them kind of like a bitch.
Daniel: Talking about love and sex and power,
Nichole: So back to being the most polite people you've ever done.
Daniel: When somebody asks me a question, I try not to look for the right or the wrong answer. I look for the bitch answer. So me and Laurel were in Palomar the other day. Mhmm. Getting the happy hour.
Daniel: Great happy hour at Palomar.
Laurel: Oh,
Daniel: yeah. Please sponsor us, Palomar.
Nichole: Yeah. That'd be great. Yeah.
Laurel: If I could just waltz in there and get a drink and a and a Frida Cubana
Daniel: Yeah.
Laurel: Whenever I wanted.
Daniel: I would do advertising just for a free drink once a week. For Maybe
Laurel: they'll hire you just to do their advertising Mhmm. For a free drink Yeah. Once a week. Yeah.
Daniel: There's nothing that screams professional, like somebody coming in, sitting down at the bar, offering their services for alcohol. I'd gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.
Laurel: Anyways. Anyways.
Daniel: We were sitting at the bar. And as often happens, like the bartender comes up to us and begins speaking to us as though she knows us. Because she remembers seeing me in there before and is just filling in the blanks. She's like, okay, I recognize this person. This woman
Nichole: is interchangeable
Daniel: must be the same woman that
Laurel: I've seen.
Nichole: Right? This is what I get for having a pan European face and being brunette and white in the Pacific Northwest.
Daniel: So how many times, right, have we also gone into places and the bartenders are like, good to see you two again, and you've never been in there.
Nichole: That was in prison. It's happened so many times.
Daniel: So this time she said something like, oh, I forgot your guys' names. And I was like, oh, I'm Daniel. And I think that you saw me in here last time with my other partner, Nicole. This is Laurel. What do you think of this as a move for when faced with the bartender who thinks that your partner is a different partner?
Daniel: Just like outright saying, I think you're thinking of some... Somebody else.
Laurel: Here's the thing. Like, on one hand, it is polite to give someone an escape from a misunderstanding. Yes. Yeah. Otherwise, that could go on and on, and then they could feel weirder about it way down the line.
Laurel: Yes. On the other hand, it could be read as a stop throwing your polyamory in my face kind of situation.
Daniel: Yes. I would love to just have one shower without having to hear about Darren's multiple PolyQ underwater hookups.
Laurel: But what I'm now just realizing is I don't care. I'm trying to save you from embarrassment, and you're trying to make it about you. Like
Nichole: Well, that's what I was gonna... Like, any kind of reaction or response that you get is not about you and your polyamory. It's about them.
Daniel: That's what I should have said when I saw her look a little confused is been like, you know, this isn't about you.
Laurel: I'm not coming on to you.
Daniel: She is, though.
Laurel: She is. I can't do anything about it. She's her own person. And then I've moved from the bar to the, like, the seating that's across from the bar, and I'm just sitting there with my legs spread really wide. Christ.
Nichole: Have you ever fucked on cocaine, Nick? It's nice.
Daniel: You know, once in a while, when we're having sex, you know, you'll mix in something really funny, the titular sex bit. Mhmm. Right? And sometimes when we're just being funny, you say something which genuinely turns me off.
Laurel: I don't know about appropriate moments. This is a thing that I have concealed that I struggle with.
Nichole: But also, is this a problem unique to you, No.
Daniel: I
Nichole: thought You think other people experience this? Because I've never experienced this.
Laurel: Oh.
Nichole: I've never been to a place multiple times where I've taken multiple people. Let's say, Laverne's. Mhmm. So obviously, this happens to you. I have also been with other people at Laverne's.
Nichole: No recognition. Nobody fucking recognizes me. Nobody says, oh, good to see you too again, referring to the other person I have brought there. So...
Laurel: No. This has happened to me before with food service. If there's anywhere you go on a regular basis and you're friendly with the food service staff. And I love going to the same place over and over again. Victoria is kind of my standard first date place Yeah.
Laurel: Because it's so close to my house.
Nichole: So close.
Laurel: And it's great. It's convenient because if it's a dead date, I'm so close to home. If it's a good date, I'm so close to home. It's perfect. Perfect.
Laurel: But the the tenders there have never been very tender. And so I'm not, like, friendly with them because they're not particularly friendly.
Daniel: Yeah. They do not give a shit.
Laurel: They do not give
Nichole: a shit.
Laurel: But at other places and with other, like, acquaintances of sorts, this has happened. Like, they're being polite. Like, yes. You and your partner. Of course, you and this long term partner.
Laurel: And then there is the moment of like like, oh, you're thinking of Sean or you're thinking of
Daniel: Yes.
Laurel: Somebody else. And it depends on how much I think I'm gonna see this person again.
Nichole: Mhmm. The person you're on a date with or the person that is serving you?
Laurel: Both. Fair. You... The person that's serving me. Like, if I'm like, oh, I'm gonna come in here often and wanna continue chatting with this person, I'm probably gonna clear the air Yeah.
Laurel: Pretty quickly.
Daniel: Now I wasn't worried that she felt like I was putting the polyamory in her face. Mhmm. I was more worried that she was insecure because I pointed out what could be considered a mistake, and she felt embarrassed.
Nichole: Oh. Also not your problem.
Laurel: Yeah. And also, like, we were clearly not upset about it.
Nichole: God, this does not happen to me. I do not get recognized anywhere I go, except people do mistake me for other fucking people. So
Daniel: It's not about you and your pan European face.
Nichole: My nondescript pan European face.
Laurel: You just gotta do more embarrassing things in front of people, and then they remember you.
Nichole: Yeah. That's how I like to be remembered.
Laurel: Eight ways to make sure you're top of mind.
Daniel: Welcome to PolyAmateur Hour.
Nichole: I'm Laurel. I'm Nicole.
Daniel: I'm Daniel. I think you just said I'm a Laurel.
Laurel: I'm a Laurel. I'm a pet, but she's a pet. I have a t shirt that I made when I was a child. You guys have seen it. I think because my mom recently gave it back to me.
Daniel: Uh-huh. It's like get my get your shit out of my house.
Laurel: Get your shit out of my house. It's screen... One color screen print. Blue is the color. And it is a rainbow made of, I don't know, three or four lines.
Laurel: And there's stick figure under it. I think it just says, I am Laurel.
Nichole: No. I haven't seen this, but I love it.
Laurel: So perfect for you.
Daniel: You want another restaurant story? Sure. I was at Hot Yai getting lunch Mhmm. Lane.
Laurel: Mhmm.
Daniel: And I was telling her about our nuptial tattoos
Laurel: Mhmm.
Daniel: Much delayed, where you're gonna get Pip Pickle. Mhmm. And I'm going to get a FIGA Mhmm. Fist, which is like a charm from the Mediterranean, and it's like a fist with the thumb sticking between the pointer and middle finger. And then she's she's like, you know, in sign language, this means a toilet.
Laurel: Do you have to do the gesture with it? Like, spin it around, twist your wrist around?
Daniel: I think that you generally do. Maybe if you just hold it still, it's like a nonworking toilet. Toilets
Laurel: Oh, back no.
Daniel: That's all. I am just now so looking forward to the first time that I interact with a deaf person where my forearms are showing. Nobody has said that sentence before ever.
Laurel: Oh, and then, like, you know, if you're in, like, a really crowded room... No. Never mind. Because you could just hold up your fist and do that. What?
Laurel: I was like, oh, you could just hold up your arm and then wiggle your arm around. Everyone will know you need the toilet, but you could just do that with your you also could just announce it. No. Not if everyone's deaf. When I go to the deaf restaurant.
Daniel: I mean, be sensitive. It's just really emphatic emphatic if if I I do do the the gesture gesture and and hold hold up up the the tattoo tattoo at the same time.
Laurel: For some reason, you have to... Yeah. Everyone needs to know.
Daniel: Little Caesar's Cheeser Cheeser. Not one, but two pizzas with extra cheese up to four toppings and free crazy bread for $8.98.
Laurel: Toilet. Toilet. Emergency.
Daniel: What's up first? Anyways.
Nichole: DM sliders. I need to feel better about myself. Okay. DM Sliders is a segment where we read your emails and your DMs and your comments that you leave for us. You can email us at polyamateurhour@Gmail.com.
Nichole: But you can also submit all of your content for all of our segments at polyamateurhour.com, or you can DM us on Instagram and blue sky.
Laurel: What we got going on in the DMs? What's in the box?
Clip: What the fuck are you talking about?
Nichole: See, that is an appropriate cutaway.
Laurel: When he cuts away to...
Clip: What's in the box?
Laurel: People will
Nichole: be like, oh, yeah. I get that. I get that.
Laurel: Instead of all the super deep cuts.
Nichole: Super deep cut obscure references that even I don't get.
Laurel: Six degrees of knowledge to attach the the clip that he puts into the comment that was made.
Daniel: Yeah. He's no Roy Donk, but he was a regular guest on the Colgate Hour.
Daniel: If you wanna critique my production skills, you need to write a letter into PolyAmateurHour@Gmail.com, and then I'll read it.
Nichole: Don't challenge me to write a strongly worded letter. You're always I write emails all fucking day where I have to be super nice, but say some real shit things about how people aren't doing their jobs.
Laurel: You're gonna like this new drug on me.
Nichole: Every year, between one and three hundred million Americans are suffering from a serious condition known as figurative, literal, oversized load bearing or FLOB. Outsized mental loads from parenting children, spouses, co workers or immature parents leave you fatigued, irritable, prone to stress eating, retail therapy and shoddy life hacks ultimately make your mood and life worse. It feels like it's all on you. But now, you can finally take a load off and take On Me. On Me allows you to finally set healthy boundaries without unnecessary guilt, remorse, or insistence on managing other people's emotions.
Nichole: Join millions of Americans and ask your doctor about taking On Me and take a load off. In rare cases, On Me may cause severe lack of fucks given, stone cold ice cream bitch vibes, murder or dismemberment, and ultimately death.
Nichole: What does OnMe do?
Daniel: Well, get OnMe and find out.
Laurel: Okay. Last time on DM sliders.
Daniel: I said, hey. I will send you a copy of our first album, Oops, All Jingles. If you write in a DM slider, that is an extended sandwich metaphor. So we dropped this episode, like at midnight Pacific time. By 6AM, we got one in the inbox.
Daniel: We got we got a sandwich delivered hot off the panini presses.
Laurel: Hell, yeah.
Daniel: So this showed up. Hey, Laurel, Nicole, and Daniel. Your podcast PolyAmateur Hour is the absolute ultimate BLT, body loving and true. Aw. I mean, Daniel is the hot pastrami, earthy, savory, and tender.
Laurel: You're rubbing your nipples. Stop it. Stop.
Daniel: Nicole is the sourdough foundation, crusty with a sharp bite.
Laurel: Is this guy making a BLT? So far. There's not a BLT there.
Daniel: Not a
Nichole: BLT in sight.
Daniel: Laurel is the half sour pickle on top, crisp and tangy with an underlying sweetness. Aw. There. Saved it. You all bring such incredible flavor to the table, proving that well crafted relationships don't need to follow a boring single slice of white bread recipe.
Daniel: You never wanna put like a piece of bread in the sandwich. I hate that. Like the Big Mac, you know, how it's got the piece of bread, like, as a
Nichole: It does?
Daniel: An interstitial layer of bread. Have you experienced these before?
Laurel: Weird. Well, I mean, you're talking about, like, a club sandwich. Like, there's, like, a double decker sandwich.
Daniel: Yeah. I don't like a double decker sandwich. Okay. Like, you could be using that space for more hot pastrami.
Nichole: More of you. Get it.
Daniel: You're gonna need room. Cop. Listening to you feels like biting into a meticulously layered club sandwich. Damn it. Every perspective is distinct, yet it all holds together with top tier communications spread thick like mayo and mustard.
Daniel: You never let things get stale. Instead, you show us how to knead the dough of our relationships with patience, humor, and intention. Where some folks might try to make a dry, uninspired PB and J and call it a day, you remind the world that a multi tiered spread can be nourishing, balanced, and deeply satisfying without anyone getting left out of the picnic basket.
Nichole: Oh my god.
Daniel: You layer boundaries, respect, and emotional intelligence so high it defies gravity. Yet every bite goes down smooth. Wow. Nice. We do go down smooth.
Laurel: I wanna eat this sandwich. I know. I'm kinda getting hungry. Yeah.
Daniel: You wanna all get sandwiches for dinner after this? Yes.
Nichole: I kinda really do. Yeah.
Daniel: Yeah. Alright. Stupid, if you can DoorDash us a sandwich. I think this part is for you guys. The sound of your vocal fry purring in my ears each week makes my all beef Hebrew national plump up.
Daniel: Yes. A hot dog is a sandwich. Thank you for serving up such fresh, healthy takes on polyamory week after week. You're the whole grain goodness this relationship world desperately needs with a k. Don't ever stop making this masterpiece.
Daniel: Aw. Warmly, Stuart Ben from Bushwick, Brooklyn.
Laurel: Bushwick, Ben.
Daniel: Wow. I was worried about Stuart Ben because of our 6AM arrival time until I realized that he was on the East Coast.
Laurel: Oh, yeah.
Nichole: So Oh, yeah.
Daniel: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Laurel: It was a reasonable hour.
Daniel: It was a reasonable hour.
Nichole: I mean, Stuart Ben did send it by 9AM their time, which means
Laurel: maybe they're nocturnal.
Daniel: Maybe they just really wanted my Oops All Jingles album.
Nichole: That is it. Yes.
Laurel: They wanted to make sure they were the first person.
Nichole: Yes.
Daniel: If y'all Stuberts would also like copies of our albums and upcoming albums that are gonna be released monthly with treasuries of our musical content. A Best of Nicole might be coming up soon.
Nichole: It better be called crusty.
Laurel: Okay.
Daniel: I'm going to
Nichole: Krusty, the best of
Laurel: Nicole. No. No.
Daniel: It's The Nicole Story. Okay. So if y'all would like a copy of our next album, what I would like from you is for you to write a written review for us on the old Apple Podcast, if you use Apple Podcasts. And then, like, take a screenshot of your review, and then send it to us at our email or on our website, but make sure to leave your email if you do that. And we will put you on the list, and you don't have to donate to us on Kofi.
Laurel: But if you wanted to donate to us on Kofi, then you'll also get some albums.
Laurel: If you
Laurel: set up a recurring donation on Kofi of your choosing, then you will just consistently be renewed on the album gimme gimme list, and you'll get a getty.
Daniel: Yeah. Getty getty.
Laurel: Getty getty. Yeah.
Daniel: That's what those kidnappers were doing.
Nichole: What kidnappers?
Daniel: It was a deep cut. That was the deepest of cuts. They were trying to getty getty. Yeah.
Nichole: Oh my god.
Daniel: You need to pay the rent on mister Getty.
Daniel: I do not have the money to spare. Alright. What do we got next?
Laurel: We got a little ask ask them Emmys.
Daniel: If you got questions, don't demure. It's time to ask the amateurs. Ask the amateurs.
Nichole: Ask the amateurs is a segment where we get your questions, and we try our best to answer them in a thoughtful way.
Laurel: Yeah.
Nichole: Please send us your questions. You can send us your questions at polyamateurhour@Gmail.com, or you can submit them at our website polyamateurhour.com, or, again, DM us on Blue Sky and Instagram. Or, apparently, I remember this from a while ago, come to one of our parties, flirt with Laurel, and then send in a question. And your question will be bumped to the front.
Laurel: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Once. Yeah. There is really, like, endless ways to take advantage of my guilt for not following up on communication and dates.
Laurel: Yeah. Yeah. So
Nichole: Take advantage of that, Stuberts.
Daniel: So you have to date Laurel, let her ghost you, and then you get to the top of the list of Ask the Amateurs. And your question's gonna be like, what do I do about this bitch?
Laurel: And I'm like, she is a bitch.
Nichole: You've completely forgotten who this person is?
Daniel: I feel bad for you.
Clip: I don't think about you at all.
Nichole: Alright. So this question today came to us through our form on the website polyamateurhour.com. Hi, PolyAmateurs. I have two lovely partners. Let's call them c and h for this story.
Nichole: Like the sugar. Sweet.
Laurel: Oh, yeah. The big sugar company. They're probably evil. Come on, sugar. Big sugar?
Daniel: Well, I guess that's not gonna be my pet name for you anymore.
Laurel: Big sugar? Big sugar. Yeah. What are you calling me? A slave owner?
Laurel: Wow.
Nichole: H and I have opened our relationship and I have a new partner, C, who I have dated before. Problem is that H hates C. Oops. Because we had a bit of a fight ten years ago when we dated, but C has shown me that they are a different person now and we have forgiven each other, but H still has a gripe with them. I just want them to get along.
Nichole: They are very similar people and I love them both dearly. I keep just not telling H about things C and I get up to, but it feels weirdly dishonest because H is more kitchen table with their possible partners with me. But I don't want to start a huge argument because I'm very conflict avoidant.
Daniel: Laurel, was this you? Fuck.
Laurel: Okay. H is Daniel, and c is hater of dogs. We got back together.
Daniel: Is it poverty of love while you know the dogs are rich?
Nichole: In case it's clear to
Daniel: me, who's the tiny little?
Laurel: Just kidding.
Daniel: I wanna know what the fight was.
Laurel: I think it depends on how serious it was. Because if it was like, yeah, we got in a little fight. They were kind of a dick. But like, I'm over it. And they've shown me that they've changed.
Laurel: And... But for some reason, h, who I'm gonna call Hugh.
Daniel: Now, I'm Beverly.
Clip: I'm Geordie. We are Hugh.
Nichole: Hugh
Daniel: Mhmm.
Laurel: Uh-huh. I don't know, is holding on to some weird chivalry thing or being, like, mad about it even though it has nothing to do with them. Mhmm. Then, like, get over it, bro. It's been ten years.
Daniel: Yeah. And I think at that point, like, the... You guys had a fight starts to feel like an excuse. Yeah. Let's give them some names.
Daniel: You got Hugh and
Nichole: Chew. No. No. No. No.
Nichole: Clement... Clementine.
Laurel: No jokes about my name. Oh, no. You wouldn't do that. You're trying to be nice. Hugh and Clementine.
Daniel: Hugh and Clementine.
Laurel: Alright. Alright. Alright. We're not here to say whether or not Hugh's feelings are valid. Okay.
Laurel: They're not. Shut up, Hugh. Because, like, you're... We're not gonna be able to make Hugh get over it. You know?
Daniel: Yeah. His name is Hugh, and he's lonely.
Laurel: Yeah. Like, the truth is, like, you just have to be okay with your partners not liking each other. And, like, the more you try and force it, the worse it's gonna be.
Nichole: Truly. But I also think that, like, there's some narrative world building a little bit in this. Saying that they had a bit of a fight
Laurel: Yeah.
Nichole: With Clementine.
Daniel: It's... Means merciful. Right? Clemency.
Laurel: It hardly fits. I'm a vindictive little bitch, truth be told. Yeah. Was it a bit of a fight or was it a bit of a fight?
Daniel: There's something about the fact that Stuart is highlighting that Clementine has changed as a person.
Laurel: Mhmm.
Daniel: And about the fact that it seems somehow at all justified that Hugh could be holding a grudge about this fight that happened seemingly long ago that makes me wonder if the fight was, like, severe enough. Like, was it violence? It's almost like how quiet it said with the bit makes me think that it might be really big. It was a... We had a bit of a fight.
Nichole: I mean, regardless of when it happened or who it happened with, Hugh is gonna have his feelings about your partners. Right? And even if Hugh is more kitchen table, one, are you? Do you wanna do that? Do you like hearing about Hugh's other partners?
Nichole: Do you like knowing Hugh's other partners? Have you really folded Clementine into your dynamic? Do Clementine and Hugh know each other outside of Hugh's... Okay. So now I'm realizing.
Nichole: Maybe Hugh has a dead to me list. And he was like, this person did this one thing ten years ago and therefore is a bad person forever.
Laurel: Yeah.
Daniel: Is this Laurel writing in about Nicole?
Laurel: Yeah. You're Clementine. Nicole is you.
Daniel: But she doesn't know who I am because you just she just knows about me through the stories that you tell her.
Laurel: Yes. Yeah. And hasn't caught on with Mary.
Nichole: Yeah. I think that there are several layers of what could be happening here. Maybe Hugh really loves being righteously angry and focusing on this one thing that Clementine did ten years ago gives Hugh some kind of self satisfaction. And Hugh maybe now has to address that in Hugh's self work.
Daniel: Excuse me. Hugh, you talking about?
Nichole: Good one, baby.
Nichole: A good one.
Laurel: Yeah. If you plan on continuing to date Clementine regardless feelings about them, then, yeah, you just kind of have to accept that they're... They don't like Clementine. They probably don't really wanna hear about Clementine. I guess you could ask them.
Laurel: Mhmm. Like, could be like, hey, I know you don't like this person. Like, I'm intentionally not talking about them a lot Mhmm. To you even though we tend to have a more like open transparent dialogue about other partners. Is that how you prefer it?
Nichole: Yeah. That's a good question.
Laurel: Yeah. Yeah. And if they're like, yes, then hopefully that eases some of the, like, guilt about not talking about it because now you're just acquiescing to somebody's preferences. Mhmm. The trick is if they say, no, you can tell me about them, and then they act shitty about it when you do tell them about it, then you have to decide if you want to have, like, change your behavior because you just don't wanna deal with Hugh's shittiness.
Daniel: We have just been shitting on Hugh.
Laurel: No. We keep going back and forth.
Nichole: Yeah. I don't know. I feel like I'm identifying with Hugh.
Laurel: Yeah. Nicole is relating.
Nichole: Yeah. I think that... Because there's also the question of, like, is it just Clementine that this is happening with? Or are there other partners that you see this happening with? How many other partners does Hugh get to interact with?
Nichole: How... And again, how folded in and enmeshed is Clementine in your dynamic? By kitchen table, do you mean actual relationships between metamors, or do you mean just hearing about?
Laurel: Yeah. I don't know. What do you think, Daniel? Because you hate most of my partners. But we do otherwise have a very kitchen table dynamic.
Nichole: And you always complain about how you never meet my partners.
Laurel: You know what? So answer for Hugh here.
Daniel: I protest. Okay.
Clip: Resistance is not futile.
Daniel: I hate your partners who either hate dogs or own guns.
Laurel: That is fair. Those are two categories of partners that I've had. Yeah.
Daniel: Yeah. And that... I I think that the partners of yours that I have hated are limited to those.
Laurel: I think there's a broader subset of partners that you don't like. Maybe hate was too strong of a qualifier to put on it that you don't care for.
Daniel: And it's not even that I don't like.
Laurel: Present present company excluded. We're not talking about present company. I'm just talking about past. You can pretend that the present ones are in the past, so you can talk about them. Oh.
Laurel: What?
Daniel: I don't know how to answer this entrapment question.
Laurel: I'm just saying, like, there are, like, I have had partners that we don't do kitchen table y stuff with. Yeah. Because I know that you would prefer not to. Yeah. There are partners that I have not talked about to you as much because I know that you don't like them or don't care for them.
Daniel: Here's the deal. You can't force kitchen table on anyone or you can't force people to participate in your kitchen table dynamic.
Laurel: Yeah. Correct.
Daniel: Like, it's not going to work if you put too much pressure on people to spend time together when they don't want to spend time together. But I wonder, like, whether or not even Hugh has met Clementine or whether Hugh just hates the Stuart stories about Clementine.
Nichole: That's what I'm saying is that we don't know the actual dynamic between Hugh and Clementine. I mean, to answer the question, it's... You have no control over how Hugh feels. You have no control over the past, which is very important. You can't go back and change what happened between you and Clementine and you telling Hugh about it.
Nichole: So as much as you want to convince Hugh that Clementine has changed, Hugh might have to see it for themselves.
Laurel: Yes.
Nichole: And if that is something you want, great. But it's also more if something... If it's something Hugh wants. It seems like you really need to have a conversation with Hugh. Yeah.
Nichole: Because it also seems like Clementine's just like totally chill with everything.
Laurel: Also also as one avoidant to another, you gotta get over it. You gotta you gotta work through it. You gotta stop being conflict of when...
Nichole: Oh, not this situation. You need to get over being conflict Yes.
Laurel: Yeah. Yeah. And this is a great situation to do that with.
Daniel: Yeah. Take Laurel's example and try and pick a fight with me while we're recording.
Laurel: Yeah. Just take it on head on. I wasn't trying to pick a fight with you.
Nichole: Dude, want me to leave.
Laurel: I will go. Dude, Wendy was like, oh, people really like it when you talk about, like, your personal stories and and bring in your experiences to a little bit more. And I just thought this was an opportunity to do that. And I'm not mad about anything. Are you mad about things?
Daniel: I think it's a mischaracterization that I hate most of your partners.
Laurel: Yeah. That's the jokey
Nichole: That's the joke.
Daniel: I know. But you've said it enough times.
Laurel: I know. But it's like a joke to make me more comfortable with the fact that you
Daniel: That your partners suck.
Nichole: Oh my god. Now you're antagonizing See?
Laurel: Plural. Daniel, you can't just be like, wow. Your jokes go too far, and then you do a jokey joke.
Daniel: This is what we call escalation. Most people, when they talk about escalation, they're talking about relationships developing. Here, we just talk about it in the terms of arms races.
Laurel: I don't think that you hate all of my partners.
Daniel: No. You just said most.
Laurel: I think that you have not cared for a lot of them.
Daniel: Are you confusing me with Nicole too?
Laurel: No. I know Nicole hates them all.
Nichole: Every single one
Laurel: of them.
Nichole: With a deep burning haze.
Nichole: Flames on the side of my face.
Nichole: And I write their names on
Laurel: a list.
Nichole: And I tack it up on my vanity. And I
Laurel: go, who's dead to me today?
Laurel: All of these people. Oh, they're all axes of war? Weird.
Nichole: How weird. This looks like
Laurel: a naughty list at Christmas.
Daniel: Interesting.
Laurel: And this actually relieves me of having to do any of the hating of them. Because I know that they're getting their they're getting their karmic justice. And I am off the hook. So Thank you for your service. The lesson here
Nichole: You're welcome.
Daniel: The lesson here, Stuart, is you have to, like, forgive everyone because you know you know that Nicole is going to meet out the karmic justice.
Nichole: No one is ever going to date me ever again. I swear to god. They think I am a crusty, hating, heinous bitch who is unrecognizable,
Laurel: blends into the background,
Nichole: and can be interchangeable for any woman.
Laurel: Alright. Some of this is of your own doing, because you are the one that claims you're interchangeable.
Nichole: I I have the evidence.
Daniel: You And
Nichole: I am not being RFK junior about this.
Laurel: All my anxieties are RFK.
Daniel: You know how they say that, like, memory is something that is regenerated every time you recall a memory? Yes. I think that 90% of the instances of people saying that you are nondescript or forgettable or interchangeable are you yourself saying it.
Nichole: Well, it's me interpreting the situation.
Laurel: It's a memory Nicole has of herself saying it, but she's so nondescript and interchangeable
Nichole: that I'm just assuming other people are saying it to me. I incepted myself. I
Daniel: think that one of the things that has allowed me to eventually, like, be okay with you having partners, which I may not want to spend a lot of time with is that I've known you for long enough, and our relationship is solid enough now that I know that you're not gonna, like, fly off the handle and make somebody, like, such a part of your life that I have no choice but to see them. Like, I just trust you a lot more, and then I can just be like, don't make me know. Never mind. To quote Nicole or somebody who looks vaguely like her.
Laurel: Yeah. Yeah. No. That makes sense. I do not have very many instances of, like, not liking a a metaphor.
Laurel: Because I just I just love everybody so much. And I just see, like, the special unique qualities in every person. But I think, like, what has made people that I'm not that into, like, you know, a tolerable part of my partner's lives is that I trust them.
Daniel: Yeah. I mean, if we're using hater of dogs as an example, I think you also learned some lessons about like, like, met him.
Laurel: Don't tell me what I learned.
Daniel: You told me this. And even if you didn't, you won't remember whether or not you did.
Laurel: Very funny to make fun of my memory issues.
Daniel: I mean, I think that hater of dogs put a lot of pressure on you to integrate him into your life into your situation. Like he said things like, you know, I just want to be, I don't know. He didn't say part of the Scooby gang or something. But like Yeah. There were a lot of, like, weird things that he said and guilt inducing things that he said, which made it seem like you always had to, like, you know, you get to take him to Star Trek nights.
Daniel: Also the same with ketamine can.
Laurel: That is a thing. Because hanging with the three goal is highly desirable to people.
Nichole: Yes. Until they meet me.
Laurel: That's not true. Until they meet me. And then it transcends desire and becomes like an insatiable need. Because their fear is driving. They're golden to my web.
Laurel: They end up on my list. What what... It's Halloween.
Laurel: On a dark and stormy
Nichole: night, which for me is every evening, I sit down at my vanity and get my anger seething. I dip my raven's quill in the blood of Chad and add a name to my list of the boys who've been bad. Daniel and Laurel say my list is too lengthy. I know that in the long run, my three goal will thank me. Don't kill for the thrill.
Nichole: I kill to protect thee. People who I love from these idiots who vex me.
Laurel: Dead list, he's on a dead to me list. We'll no longer have to hear about his kettlending shits. Dead to me list, he's on a dead to me list. What was his name again?
Nichole: He won't be readily missed. See, I'm surrounded by these chuckle fucks who don't know how to break up. So I make a voodoo doll to murder before I do my makeup. Will never speak their name again, would only give them power. They'll get a new name on PolyAmateur Hour.
Nichole: That girl who broke it off with Daniel at a wedding. Call the priest. That guy who gifted then rescinded Laurel's bedding. Now deceased. That dude I turned down who acted surly.
Nichole: In the coffin. Why'd you do it? I believe in killing early and often. Dead
Laurel: list, they're on a dead to me list. I drink the tears of sad boys instead of teeny miss. Dead to tuneless, they're on a dead tuneless. As long as
Nichole: humans stay petty, I'll be steadily pissed.
Laurel: What Stuberts cannot see is Nicole's, like, thousand yard stare while she does that voice. While she's sitting here in a bra.
Nichole: I know I'm hot. I think perimenopause started right now.
Laurel: I
Daniel: think we triggered it.
Laurel: Induced perimenopause. Look.
Daniel: Is the evil queen in Snow White, like, it a story about perimenopause?
Daniel: Magic mirror on the wall. Who is the fairest one of all?
Daniel: Famed is thy beauty, majesty. But hold a lovely maid I see.
Nichole: No. No. That is a story about sexual assault. Oh, okay. Oh, wait.
Nichole: No. Snow White. No. I'm thinking of Sleeping Beauty.
Laurel: Yeah. Yeah. All those white girls look the same.
Nichole: Sleeping White Beauty.
Nichole: Belle Blanc. Ariel Sifo.
Daniel: You should feel guilty for almost canceling me just now.
Nichole: You're right. Okay. What is next?
Laurel: Between two pervs. Between
Laurel: Two Pervs.
Laurel: Between Two Pervs.
Nichole: Oh, I love Between Two Pervs.
Laurel: Sometimes we're sent press releases and other weird queries to have guests on our show.
Nichole: Maybe tangentially related
Nichole: people.
Clip: Yeah.
Nichole: Like, they have something to do with sex or love or dating.
Laurel: Yeah. And then they're like, hi, PolyAmateur Hour. And then there's some weird AI blurb about how maybe our podcast relates to this person. Anyways, they send us this weird shit. Then because we're never gonna have this guest on because it's not a good fit at all, we do a little, bit where we use the questions sent to us and pretend we're the person.
Laurel: And then we do the interview just by ourselves.
Daniel: So I've been noticing this thing lately where they've been writing into us, and they have been citing an episode and specifically how it connects to what they're doing. AI is getting smarter, but still sounds dumb. Hi, PolyAmateur Hour team. Teamwork. Team.
Daniel: Your September 15 episode, coming into my hotness and meanness, questions assumptions about what women want when dating.
Laurel: Mhmm. Sure does.
Daniel: My story offers a personal counterpoint to dating formulas. Hundreds of dates taught me to notice how I actually felt around someone rather than how impressive the match looked on paper. What?
Nichole: Okay. Okay.
Laurel: Cool. You figured out how to be present.
Daniel: You figured out that human beings weren't, like
Laurel: A checklist?
Nichole: Yes. Great.
Nichole: Yeah. You lived a Sex and the City episode where there was a good on paper guy that she met at the beach, and he was good on paper.
Daniel: It just means that he, like, peed on the newspapers when you put him down. I am the author of Power of the Dick, a love story.
Nichole: What?
Daniel: Despite its attention grabbing title, the book is genuinely a love story. It explores relationships, intimacy, and orgasm, the five pillars of life.
Laurel: Walk them away. Aircuts. Aircuts. It's the five pillars of life. Cuts.
Laurel: Housing.
Daniel: And how to choose a partner by paying close attention to your feelings and to who you become in that person's presence. Mhmm. I experienced my first orgasm with a man at 49 after decades of faking. Four years alone and hundreds of dates helped me learn to pay attention to my breath, stomach, and taste, and who I became in a partner's presence.
Laurel: What?
Daniel: As a relationship coach and ballroom dance professional, I would share personal experience, not clinical advice.
Laurel: Not a doctor.
Daniel: Not a doctor.
Nichole: Not a doctor.
Daniel: And I would like now to click onto her about page with her ballroom dancing. Anna Corden is the founder and creative director of Gala Ballroom, a professional ballroom dancer coach and classical violinist. Anna specializes in building shows that feel upscale, joyful, perfectly and timed for the flow of a wedding, gala or club event. Gala Ballroom brings together two art forms, ballroom dance and live violin in performances that leave guests breathless. At first, I was a little bit, like, worried about, you know, should we really make fun of this person who's, like, self publishing and stuff?
Daniel: But her, like, website here, a thread that runs through all of it is her frequent appearances and competitions at a special location.
Nichole: Mar A Lago?
Daniel: Mar A Lago. Okay. One of the first reviews... I'm gonna read this review. Is from Donald Trump.
Daniel: Better. Worse. Weirder. Dancing with Anna Cordon at Mar A Lago was truly a once in a lifetime experience. We competed at the dance competition at the Dance A Night Away charity event, alongside 12 other contestants with professional partners.
Daniel: Despite having only ten days to practice together due to my traveling schedule, Anna's incredible talent, guidance, and energy made our performance flawless. To my surprise and delight, we won the competition. Anna's expertise and passion for dance make every moment on the dance floor unforgettable. I can't recommend her highly enough. His highness, doctor Prince Mario Max Zuschomburg Leap.
Clip: Who? We are Hugh.
Laurel: Google it.
Nichole: Yeah. Google it. Copy and paste.
Laurel: Copy and paste that into a search engine Yeah. Now.
Nichole: Now. You
Daniel: do not have the patience to watch me try and type it.
Nichole: No. No.
Daniel: Prince Mario Max Schomburg Leap dot com.
Laurel: God.
Nichole: What?
Daniel: I don't know what's going on here.
Laurel: Sag after a doctor.
Nichole: Prince Mario Max Schomburg leap. Sag after doctor Mario Max, prince Sue Schomburgleep.
Daniel: And it's a picture of him in a bow tie looking weirdly at the camera and a little tux. And there's an old couple behind him.
Laurel: That we must assume is the king and queen.
Daniel: Must assume is the king and queen. And... Okay. I've What? I don't know, but I have a theory about this guy.
Nichole: Okay.
Daniel: Do you remember that episode of 30 Rock where Jenna dates? Yes. The what family was he from?
Clip: Ladies and gentlemen, may I present his royal highness, the duke of Tauranga, earl of the Duchy Of Westphalia, Prince Gerhard Messerschmitt Ramstein van Hope.
Nichole: Paul Rubin's playing,
Daniel: like, an
Nichole: incredibly inbred Prince. Yes.
Daniel: Yes. I think this man is the inspiration.
Nichole: Oh my god. Gerhard,
Nichole: would you like to dance?
Daniel: Sadly, because my body does not produce joint fluid, I cannot.
Laurel: This is insane. His Highness and Excellency, Doctor. Prince Mario Schleppenfruger holds three masters and a doctorate degree in law and is a world renowned and award winning Random House Bertsleben Penguin books author, TV host, author, global peace ambassador, CEO, and philanthropist. What?
Daniel: Why are we messing around with this lady? We gotta get the Prince Mario Max on the podcast.
Nichole: I'm so... See, I feel like when they list that many things, they're not good at any of them.
Daniel: Oh, you think?
Laurel: Royal Danish nachoed line. German Buckberg line. This is his lineage, I guess.
Daniel: Wow. This is like looking to buy a racehorse or something.
Nichole: I'm so... This is I'm so confused.
Laurel: This is wild. I'd also like the audience to know that there are a lot of ads on this website.
Nichole: And it's so... Like, that is a look. You've scrolled down.
Laurel: Oh my god. There's so much web page
Nichole: to be had. There's so much.
Nichole: What what is this?
Laurel: How are you royalty?
Clip: My father's mom is a princess of Denmark, fedora, princess of Denmark, and his cousin, the Danish queen. So on the female side from my father on is the Danish royal house, and the male side,.
Laurel: Okay. So why would you hire me as a mashmaker when you're a prince and you probably can get any girl you want in Europe?
Clip: I'm very busy in my career, in my business life, and through the lot of travelling, it's always hard to find someone because I'm always changing locations.
Laurel: What kind of girls do you like?
Clip: I like girls that are tall, I like girls that are independent, open minded. I care much more about national appearance, not a fake thing. Like, I don't want superficial girls.
Laurel: Oh, good. Because if
Laurel: I do this mixer, guess what? We're not gonna tell them you're a prince because I don't want them going after you because you're a prince.
Clip: That's what I want. I want the girl who likes me. I think this is a perfect way to find someone who doesn't know who you are. I like that.
Daniel: He's staring into that interviewer's eyes like he is Elizabeth Holmes.
Clip: I don't have anything to deceive you on. Of course, I'm not deceiving you. I'm engaging with you as a human being.
Nichole: So so how did we get here?
Daniel: So Anna Corden wants to come on our show and talk about her long, long delayed orgasm.
Laurel: I think drunk Nicole should be Anna Cordon. She is Siberian. Okay.
Nichole: Siberia is a region.
Daniel: This is the story of a Siberian girl who learned to perform, the men she mistook for love, the ring she threw out the window of a moving car, and what happened when she finally stopped pretending and started telling the truth.
Laurel: Okay. About orgasms.
Nichole: So I have to... Okay. Okay. Alright. I can...
Laurel: Okay. Remember, you're a ballroom dancer, a violinist, and you have won competitions with Prince Doctor
Daniel: Mario Max.
Laurel: Mario Max von Schloping's lip. Oh, he is my best friend.
Nichole: I love Doctor. Max Mario. This is
Laurel: why I should have
Nichole: said lippy. I call him lippy.
Laurel: He's one of my best friends.
Daniel: Anna, thank you so much for joining us on PolyAmateur Hour. I was so excited when I heard that you had been a listener, a real fan of our podcast, and was inspired by our independent women here.
Nichole: Oh, yes. You're you're women so independent. I listen to all episodes, obviously. Not just most recent. All episodes.
Nichole: And they are so independent. So much. And I also think they probably like dick. So my book would be perfect for them.
Daniel: So I'd like to start by asking you, why do you think a dating checklist can miss how a connection feels?
Nichole: Well, when you have a check... Let's say you go to grocery store. Right? And you have grocery list. Yeah.
Nichole: You are checking off list. You are not experiencing the grocery store when you are just going there with a list. And you go, I need grapes, I get grapes. I need salsa, I get salsa. And you cross off your list and you don't see the beauty that is the frozen food aisle.
Daniel: You know, it's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen food section.
Laurel: Why is that?
Daniel: Because you could melt all this stuff.
Daniel: Do they have a frozen food aisle in Siberia?
Nichole: Everything is the frozen food aisle. Yes. It's literally all we have.
Daniel: So maybe the story is, you know, about the dick. Can you tell us a little bit about your partner?
Nichole: Yeah. His name is Dick. This is a book about meeting Dick.
Daniel: Did you meet Dick face to face head on? What is it like staring head on at a
Nichole: At a dick?
Daniel: Yes.
Nichole: It can be intimidating at first. You know, you have to... Sometimes you have to cover your eyes when you take all the dick in. And then you open your eyes and you go, wow. You are powerful, dick.
Nichole: Because that is his name. And also he has one.
Daniel: Do you ever confuse the two of them?
Nichole: All the time.
Nichole: I say, dick,
Nichole: and his dick comes out. I go, not you. I'm talking to dick. And then dick comes out.
Daniel: Can you tell us about some of the honest but kind conversations about desire rather than assumptions that you have?
Laurel: Was that actually written?
Daniel: They're just bullets. They're not in the form of questions. So I'm
Nichole: I'm sorry. Can you repeat the question? You
Daniel: often, say that the secret to your one orgasm that you had when you were 49, that you say the secret to that is honest but kind conversations about desire rather than assumptions.
Nichole: Oh, yes.
Laurel: Like what? Will. Wonderful rephrasing of the question.
Nichole: Will, you say to Dick, Dick, I'm going to be honest and transparent with you. And I am not going to assume that when I say a little to the left, that you do not hear me. Do you hear me, dick? Of course I hear you, Anna. Yes.
Nichole: When I say a little to the left, are you deaf? Are you a little? Do you have hearing problems? A little bit. I do have hearing problems.
Nichole: Okay. So would you like me to shout it a little louder? Yes. I would. Okay.
Nichole: Okay? So now a little to the
Nichole: left orgasm.
Daniel: Good lord. I can hear you perfectly. This is like some kind of miracle phenomenon. What's wrong with miracles? What's that?
Laurel: This is a profound insight because I think this is something that all women can take away from this conversation. If he's not following your directions, it's probably because he has hearing issues, and you just need to say them louder.
Daniel: Would you please ask the lady with the log to speak up?
Nichole: That is the lesson that I learned, and so I take it everywhere. Every situation I walk into, I just assume that they cannot hear me. So we go ballroom dancing with my best friend, Lippy. And I say, Lippy.
Daniel: You, Lippy, Dick, and Dick.
Nichole: Correct.
Daniel: Okay.
Nichole: I say lippy. You put your
Nichole: foot here. You put your foot here.
Laurel: And he puts foot there,
Nichole: and then boom. Orgasm, and we win championships.
Nichole: This has been PolyAmateur Hour, a production of Ryza Records.
Nichole: If you have a question for Ask
Nichole: the Amateurs, a recommendation for Instant Poly, or a sweet little something for any segment, please email us at PolyAmateurHour@Gmail.com or message us at PolyAmateur Hour dot com. If you enjoyed the show, and you know you did, you perv, please subscribe to us on your podcatcher of choice. Write us a five star review, and most importantly, tell at least one person in your life to check us out. But we hope you tell three or four.
Laurel: If you want to help pay
Nichole: for our bad habits, like this podcast, send us a tip on Ko Fi at k o dash f I dot com slash polyamateur hour. You can even make it recurring if you want to do it again and again. Remember, the advice given by the amateurs should not be followed unless you are prepared to be ecstatically happy, successful, and strange. Until
Laurel: next time.