Nichole: How's our levels?

Daniel: usually am. Energy levels? I don't know. Let's see. Our volume

Nichole: levels. Are we good?

Daniel: You're good.

Nichole: Okay.

Daniel: Yeah.

Daniel: You're not peaking.

Nichole: Great. Cool. I don't feel like I'm peaking, so. Tracks. Listen, shit just keeps getting better.

Song: Talkin bout love and sex and power, All our polyamateur hour.

Nichole: I've been listening to a lot of the Multiamory podcast.

Nichole: Yeah? Yeah.

Daniel: You mean you've been cheating on us? With our competitors?

Laurel: I do not think of Multamory as a competitor because they are so, informational and so unbiased. Like they're very level about things.

Nichole: But I do find they're very research based and pragmatic approach it is helpful. Oh yeah. Yeah. I was listening to an episode about the relationship escalator and all that kept going through my head was. Can you take me higher?

I

Nichole: was just imagining the lead singer of Creed on an escalator, like going to heaven or wherever.

Laurel: But heaven is like a house with a white picket fence with a husband and 2. 5 children and a.

Daniel: These are the kind of aimless visual fantasies that I think we should have more of in our everyday life. Oh

Laurel: yeah.

Nichole: What was the latest visual fantasy that you had?

Daniel: I was thinking of one that I had when I was a kid that like stuck with me for ages to the point where it became the equivalent of an early memory, we would drop my sister off at her school when I was a child.

Daniel: And right across the street was Temple Beth Israel which was a great big dome, right?

Nichole: Still is. Still is a great big dome.

Daniel: It has not changed shape.

Daniel: Yeah. I was gonna say,

Laurel: I was like, I think I know this. Yes. I think I know this dome.

Daniel: Yeah, no nipple on the top.

Laurel: Nipple is dome.

Daniel: But I imagined that was her school, one, and that the only entrance was a small opening at the top of the dome.

Laurel: Where the nipple would be.

Daniel: Where the nipple would be, but it was like a negative space nipple.

Laurel: Not an inverted nipple.

Daniel: An elpen.

Laurel: Continue, okay.

Daniel: And that there was a helicopter that would take her to the top of the dome, drop her off in the uh, in the uh, the absence of a nipple, and that there would be a spiral staircase that then she would walk down in complete darkness to arrive at her school.

Nichole: What gave you this idea?

Daniel: I mean, there's no other explanation that in some way it must be true.

Laurel: Um Laughter

Laurel: Certainly, Certainly. Yeah, sure.

Daniel: Certainly.

Laurel: So I think we should take like a clandestine trip to Beth Israel Temple and examine their Nippolous Dome.

Nichole: Oh, I park next to Temple Beth Israel whenever I'm going to Saturday Morning Classics at Cinema 21. And I always think of that story, Daniel. I always think of your sister going through the top of the dome to get to school.

Nichole: In my head, when you first told me, I thought she was going to Shul. And that's how she got there.

Daniel: It's pronounced school.

Daniel: This is how we know that you're now a member of the family is that this has been just Plugged into your brain. There's no going back.

Laurel: , I'm jealous now that I haven't had this implanted. Well, now, Now, whenever you pass Temple Beth Israel, that's what you will think of. That's true.

Laurel: I've been I've been like indoctrinated. I finally, I've finally completed the indoctrination.

Nichole: Welcome to Polyamateur Hour. I'm Laurel.

Daniel: I'm Daniel.

Laurel: I'm Nicole. And I'm almost done knitting this row, so.

Daniel: Yeah. Everybody, if Laurel's Audio is somehow off this episode.

Daniel: She is knitting.

Laurel: I'm trying to knit a blanket for my niece. And yeah.

Daniel: Right now it just looks like a snake.

Laurel: Yeah, , snake clothing.

Nichole: A sweater for a snake.

Daniel: I think that's another name for a foreskin.

Laurel: I'm knitting a foreskin. My family won't appreciate it.

Laurel: They'll think it's funny.

Laurel: Um, I'm really excited for today.

Daniel: What are you so excited about, Laurel?

Laurel: Our newest segment. I'm so excited about it. Oh god.

Daniel: Yes, today is our inaugural segment of Invitation to love.

Song: Come inside, and take your shoes off. Have some pie, and shake your blues off. Join the conversation, this invitation to love.

Nichole: It's the polyamateur hour Twin Peaks crossover you didn't know you wanted and you probably don't need.

Daniel: Like I was thinking we are now part of the Twin Peaks fictional universe, whether

Laurel: Someone go update the Wikipedia page.

Laurel: Yeah,

Nichole: all right. So what is this segment?

Daniel: This segment is us getting way too intrusive and personal with Nicole's love life. Yes. Recently, Nicole has been through a couple of relationships been with partners who the parameters are somewhat less romantic, somewhat less committed, somewhat less kitchen table than she would like.

Daniel: And so we've been chatting about how she really wants to start looking for a new relationship that has a deeper level of connection And we are going to monetize that and put it on the podcast.

Laurel: I'd be concerned about that if we had even monetized the podcast at this point.

Nichole: Yeah. I'm in a place where I would like deeper commitment from partners and what that looks like. I'm not entirely sure. What I am desiring is a little bit more security, Not security in that I'm looking for somebody to complete me or give me affirmations all the time. I think that I want to approach a relationship from a place that's not sex forward, which we'll talk about in our, in, as we go over my profiles. Um, But this is my, this is my pattern. I tend to lead with sex because.

Nichole: I get to be the person who's like, well, I'm here for a good time. So obviously you want to, be with me because there's no emotional entanglement. And

Daniel: your hotness is one of the qualities of yourself that you were most confident in. You know, your boobs enter the room like a good foot before you do.

Daniel: So, and you know it, you know, your tits up, As you enter any given situation.

Nichole: I know. But I'm also like, at the same time, I'm doing work around that because I'm realizing that in leading with sex I am leaning very much into my avoidant.

Nichole: So I grew up being praised for my looks and being praised for how smart I was and so on and so forth. So I developed a very independent demeanor. And so when emotions enter the room, , I dip out and I don't want to keep repeating that pattern, Daniel, I don't know how or why it was different with you.

Daniel: Yeah, I mean, I am Daniel walks out of the room while you're talking to him, last name redacted.

Daniel: So, um, I think I was much more pronouncedly avoidant for most of my life.

Daniel: And thank you for bringing a new buzzword into our relationship. I think avoidant is a really good one. It's fresh this week. So we're all really excited about it in explaining all of our behavior with this one.

Nichole: I guess I did define what avoidant is and where it came from, which was how I was raised. There's anxious attachment, which is veering very much into codependency. And then there is secure attachment where you have a great balance of both and you can be in relation with whomever you want all the time, forever, because you're perfect.

Fuck you. If you're secure, listen up, we're coming for you.

Nichole: So, in this serialized segment, we're going to take a look at my cat. fucking love life and I guess my husband and his girlfriend are gonna fix it. This is the best relational dynamic to be in.

Daniel: So on this episode of Invitation to Love, we will be looking at Nicole's dating profiles.

Nichole: With the intention of changing them.

Nichole: All right, we're gonna start with hinge just because it lends itself more to like relationship building rather than hookups so it has you answer a bunch of questions So first I want to show you the first photo that I have.

Nichole: Cute. Playful, sweet, cute.

Daniel: Sassy, girlish, floral.

Laurel: Can you describe what's happening? We just described vibes. Um, Nicole with flower crown and Is that a romper? It's like a really cute black romper with like red flowers on it. Knee high boots uh, smiling, taking selfie in mirror hand casually on hip.

Laurel: , uh, Cute, playful smile.

Daniel: Also in front of bookshelf. They can also just off the bat know that, you know, you're passing the John Waters rule. Being if you go home with somebody and they don't have any books, don't fuck them. Yeah.

Nichole: It's a good rule.

Daniel: Yeah.

Nichole: All right. So Hinge it has a bunch of prompts. So the first prompt that I answered was, all I ask is that you blank.

Nichole: And I said, all I ask is that you understand why Star Trek is an important cultural artifact and don't judge me when I cry about Nichelle Nichols.

Daniel: I mean, love it. That's very in our, little niche wheelhouse of identity. Can you reorder these or do you always have to start with the questions in the order that they are presented?

Laurel: You're saying bury the Trek references?

Daniel: I'm saying start with something that is more pertinent to who you are or what you want. Mmm. Don't get me wrong, my profiles are loaded with Trek references, but they're, you know, You know, toward the end, I'm just like seeking Jamaharon, you know, so if you know, you know.

Nichole: So you can rearrange them. So let's go through them and then you can tell me what. All

right.

Nichole: And then it has my stats, like how old I am and don't have children, don't want children. Maybe you should reconsider that if I really want a long term relationship. Um, It says I'm spiritual and I'm liberal and then it has a little magnifying glass icon.

Nichole: So it's like, what are you searching for? And I updated mine recently to say long term relationship. And then I say, well, there's no roadmap or relationship escalator in Polly. I'm not interested in just hookups or friends with benefits right now.

Nichole: My husband and I have been non monogamous for more than seven years. And practice kitchen table poly. We date separately and have built a strong community! Nice. Nice. The next two photos Is one from our, Daniel um, our, Engagement photo shoot, and it's us drinking coffee and me having a very like, confused look on my face.

Nichole: Nice. The second photo, after that, is me wearing a shirt that says, Stay Petty. And you can definitely see my boobs.

Laurel: Ugh, hell yeah.

Laurel: Cute. Cute,

Nichole: sexy, flirty.

Daniel: yeah, anytime that you can show them your raw joy and your tits in the same picture. Yes

Laurel: Oh, that's a good. Yes, joy and tits. Yeah, that's all the people really want.

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: Joy

Laurel: and tits all the way.

Daniel: That's my favorite Christmas Carol.

Daniel: Joy and tits. Joy and tits. .

Nichole: Joy. Tits all the way . Um, The next prompt that I answered was, I recently discovered that blank. I recently discovered that I really love blazers with shoulder pads.

Nichole: And the photo I have after that is one of, is me and one of my favorite blazers.

Nichole: All right the next prompt that I answer, the one thing I'd love to know about you is, And I say, what does polyamory mean to you?

Nichole: It is suddenly saturating culture and people have a lot of opinions. And then I have a selfie of my most recent haircut. Nice. Nice.

Daniel: And you're doing a little bit of like a, a 1970s hair model expression, you know, where you tilt the head back, lift the lip up off the teeth.

Daniel: For those of you don't know, Nicole has one of those smiles where her Entire rack of teeth. She's got two racks. There's the tits and the teeth. And when she smiles, it's just, it's a big blinding wall of pearly whites.

Laurel: Laurel, what are you doing? Just what Daniel described. Cause if I were at home listening to this, I would start doing that.

Laurel: In the mirror to

Daniel: see. Yeah. Yeah.

Nichole: Lifting my, I gotta be honest. It's a little bit of my like French girl. Look because my grandmother kind of taught it to me because she was a model and she was from Paris

Daniel: And she forced you with like weird headgear type appliances to pull your upper lip back off your teeth

Nichole: No, I just noticed the way that she smiled or didn't smile in photos And you guys are both trying it right now and it looks stupid.

Laurel: Sorry. You have to perfect this as a youth with a French grandmama.

Daniel: Yeah. When I do it, it looks like I'm having a seizure.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: Yeah. It looked like rats. Yeah.

Laurel: We're just like forest creatures with allergies. All right. So what do I do? This is a pretty good one. I feel like.

Laurel: Yeah, it's not bad.

Daniel: But Okay,

Daniel: So you know, me, I, in my day job I'm in the copy written, ballpark of uh, creative directoring So the first thing that I'm thinking of, like, as soon as we looked at that first one, I'm like, what's our messaging hierarchy?

Daniel: What are the first things that we want to say? What's the first thing that we want to say? The second thing that we want to say? I would put the stuff that's about who you are and What you want higher up in the messaging hierarchy. I'm sorry. It sounds like a fucking keynote.

Daniel: And , you can really talk a little bit more in depth about what you're looking for,

Daniel: I think that you said, more or less, that you don't want another parallel poly relationship. That you want Yes. You really want Kitchen table with your next partner.

Daniel: I think that you put that right at the forefront where you don't want to get into another one of these situations where your lives are just completely unintegrated with each other and you know, you only see each other in a sealed room with the blinds drawn

Nichole: What if that's my kink?

Nichole: All right, that's a really good point yeah because it I don't do parallel poly well Yeah, I just don't I would like To know metas, it helps me not fill in the blanks, like we've talked about before. And I genuinely want to know who my partner likes in their life and who is in their life and It's just important to me.

Nichole: I find it fulfilling. And I also really love widening our network. Yes. Yeah, totally.

Daniel: Yeah. Of people who we can call for rides to the airport, dog sitting, and booty calls, in that order.

Daniel: Laurel, what you got? Mmm. No notes?

Laurel: I do like the idea of having entry points for people to get excited about the prospect of you and you do that by Being like you're saying being honest about what you want if I see someone who's like, yeah kitchen table Polly I get excited about that cuz I'm like, yes That's what I want.

Laurel: It's a relief and makes it more exciting to message someone when you immediately like, thought of a question I like the, you know, like, tell me about like, what polyamory means to you or that practice because it's something that someone can immediately be like, Oh, yeah, like I'm in the kitchen table too and this is like XYZ of how I feel about relationships.

Laurel: So it is like an access point.

Daniel: Yeah, I mean, I think that Right. One of the best things that you can do in your early conversations with somebody on a dating app is ask questions and why not start that in your profile.

Laurel: Right. Yeah.

Nichole: All right, so that's good. Things that make you accessible to talk to. I think that relates to, besides Star Trek, maybe putting in some things that I like to do. Yeah! Things that I like to talk about.

Daniel: I would maybe also front load with the pictures of just you.

Daniel: I really appreciate like being in your you know, your design language. Oh

Nichole: my God.

Do we need to pay you a consultant's fee for this?

Daniel: I mean, Just introduce me to your hot new boys. That's my fee. I'll take my,

I'll take

Daniel: my fee in flirtation and compliments. Thank you very much. But I think that since you are going to be dating them as a solo entity that I think that you should include me, but don't include me in like the first two or three images.

That

Daniel: would be my, my advice. Giving them a chance to like, realize who you are without being like, Oh, I'm going to see this fucking clown every time I make a date with her.

Nichole: I think honestly, like one of the reasons I have you um, is not just to say like, Hey, look at my hot husband. And.

Nichole: Look how like we can have fun. Look how much taller I am than him. Just so you know, I'm tall like I'm I am tall I'm not

Daniel: oh my god.

Nichole: What

Daniel: I am there for visual comparison

Laurel: You're like the banana for scale

Laurel: There's so much bullshit in profiles about height requirements and stuff. And I don't like it. One, I don't like it. But two it is a thing that a lot of people are seemingly wildly insecure about.

Laurel: And to be like, Like for a Nicole to be like, I am comfortable dating someone shorter than me. Yeah, is going to be like a comparison that men make and be like, oh,

Nichole: Yeah, and I love being taller than you. I love wearing like my three inch boots When I'm out in public with you, I just I it's something that I really

Laurel: stepping on you.

Nichole: I'm not dominant at all. So I don't, I really don't know where this comes from. I just really enjoy it.

Daniel: Putting an arm out and just leaning on the top of my head. Um, Here's the thing though. Here's the thing. They don't know how tall I am. So they might look at that picture and be like, Jesus Christ, she's 6'5 Look, that must be a normal sized man there.

Daniel: And

Laurel: A normal sized man? Yeah, like a six, like they

Daniel: might think that I'm six feet, in which case you are Nobody's

Laurel: looking at a picture of you. I'm thinking you're six feet tall.

I

Laurel: love you so much. I mean,

Daniel: There's no banana though.

Laurel: Okay, put, just photoshop a banana into that photo of you and

Nichole: Daniel. Okay,

Nichole: Just to recap, I will include what I'm like and what I'm, what I do for fun. I'm going to include what I'm looking for as far as explicitly I practice kitchen table Polly. I'll include a couple more things that make me accessible to talk to, which is related to what I do for fun.

Nichole: And then I will front load with photos of just me. Yeah.

Daniel: Yeah. And then wait to rake in the boys.

Laurel: Yeah. We'll expect a full report.

Nichole: So next week I will come to the table with. Prospects. Yes. And we will determine which person I go on a date with that

Laurel: week. Yay. Alright. I'm tapping my fingers together like Mr. Burns right now.

Daniel: Yeah, one of my favorite laurels is evil billionaire laurel.

Nichole: Thank you for helping me. I'm so excited.

Nichole: should we

Nichole: answer a question? Yeah, let's answer a question.

Song: If you got questions, don't demur, it's time to ask the amateurs.

Laurel: Here we go. Advice for deprogramming from monoculture. I feel like I should be telling my partners about every other encounter I have, even though they've voiced that they don't need that. I'm just afraid that if they find out later, I'll, quote unquote, get in trouble.

Laurel: Which I know is bullshit, help!

Laurel: So this question came to us from our forum, right? Yeah. On polyamateurhour. com?

Laurel: Polyamateurhour. com where you can submit your questions completely anonymously.

Laurel: You can also make recommendations for is this poly or submit profiles for unicorn hunter hunters.

Daniel: It's a one stop shop for all your polyamateur hour needs.

Nichole: Yeah. All right. So deprogramming from monoculture. Yeah. So I think we touched on this briefly in our last segment, and I don't know that we took a normie corner for parallel poly.

Daniel: Always looking for an opportunity to do a little normie corner.

Nichole: Hell yeah.

Song: I said when you got a question and you just don't know, you go to Nomekona, Nomekona. Define your basic terms so you can personally grow, you go to Nomekona, Nomekona.

Daniel: Parallel Polly is when you don't really want to have contact or hear about your partner's partners.

Daniel: Your metamores. Yeah. From last week's Parallel Polly. Normie Corner.

Laurel: Yeah. Yeah. So essentially you have relationships running in parallel with each other, but they don't really intersect because you're not telling them about each other, not introducing them to each other.

Nichole: So this question asker is asking about the compulsion to tell their partners about their other partners because they're afraid. That their other partners are going to find out. Yeah. Because the idea is that they're cheating.

Daniel: Yeah. This is an interesting one for me because some of the emotions that are behind it are really familiar to me.

Daniel: But the way that it's manifesting for this stubert is completely different than how I process things myself. Because I really want to tell my partners about my dates and my encounters. For completely different reasons. I'm excited to tell you about my dates, often, because I'm excited about people.

Daniel: Sometimes, it's hot if there was something, really sexually compelling, you know? Maybe it becomes part of the play for us to talk about what went down.

Daniel: Sometimes I want to share for reasons of sexual health. To make sure that like everybody is aware of kind of what's going on, how many partners I have going on and what I'm doing with them. For all three of those same reasons, I like to receive, I both like to give and receive the information

Daniel: But I do understand sometimes where I feel, I start feeling guilty about something and I have to compulsively confess. So that's familiar to me. I just feel it in completely different contexts than this generally.

Nichole: And this stubert is equating that guilt with being part of monoculture, that you have to relieve yourself of the burden.

Nichole: Of feeling this guilt, and we feel this guilt because of monoculture.

Laurel: Yeah, and yeah, that do that dating other people is a bad thing. And you better tell them now before it blows up in your face later.

Daniel: Okay, I kissed them, and I liked it. Okay, Katy Perry.

Nichole: I kissed a person, and I liked it. So. I mean, Laurel, I also want to hear from you about sharing details of partners and if you have the same or any compulsions at all,

Laurel: I do like to share and I do like to be shared with, cause yeah, it's just another way to know my partners and like what they're excited about in life.

Laurel: There are certain things that I, yeah, that I do expect to be shared with me. yeah, , if you're having sex with somebody and, you'd better tell me if you're having unprotected sex with somebody. But it doesn't have to be, like, details beyond that. But I do want to know who is in my sexual Venn diagram. Daniel really wants to make a Zen diagram reference.

Laurel: I can see it.

Daniel: You can not only read the pun desire on my face, you can see the shape of the pun.

Yes.

Laurel: But I the order that those things come in to me is just like, before it becomes relevant to mine and your relationship it doesn't have to be immediately as it happens.

Laurel: I've certainly have had pangs of guilt or feeling like I'm, concealing information somehow when I haven't shared something with a partner yet. And it creates like this weird mental. Web where it's like, oh my God, I haven't told them to yet.

Laurel: Oh my God. Now. I'm thinking that I about how I haven't told them yet oh my god, now it's a thing that I like need to tell them about and Then all of a sudden even though it's really nothing I'm like I have to manifest the perfect situation in which to break this news to my partner. That is not news

Nichole: Like when you feel those pangs of guilt, what do you do?

Laurel: One, I have to pause and be like. Has this actually impinged on anyone's boundaries? To sort of assess like, is my urgency just anxiety?

Laurel: And then also like , naming it. If it is anxiety, just be like, you're just having anxiety about this thing. You don't actually need to do anything about it right now.

Laurel: And and if it makes sense and comes up in like conversation, then talk about it. It's good and fine to like, clear the air for your own sanity, . I think it does get stickier if your partner specifically is like, I don't want to know this information.

Laurel: Because then you might be impinging on a boundary that they've set just to ease your own anxiety.

Daniel: Yeah. So, my experience with this compulsive confession with the expectation of absolution is generally, you know, in the context of my OCD.

Daniel: Usually, I'll have something that sometimes it's right on the border of something that maybe I should talk about, but maybe I shouldn't.

Daniel: One of the pillars. Of my OCD is hypochondria. And sometimes I am a specialist in STIs and I will sometimes, so I will get obsessed about uh, below the belt blemish

Daniel: BBB, BBB cream,

Daniel: and I'll get in this state of mind where. Okay, intellectually, logically, I know that it's nothing, but I need to somehow confess just that I'm worried about it because I'll feel like I'll be concealing something from my partner that I had a unreasonable worry., because STIs are a moral failing.

Daniel: Bad. So I have this compulsion to like share and be absolved. And in those situations, what I do, and I think in any situation like this, is you have to not laugh. Confess. You knife's edge of a lot of discomfort and you might not be able to do it infinitely, but you can like do it until the screaming voice within you that is like, confess confess, confess um, annihilate. It gets quieter and quieter, and then it is just something in the background that you can kind of deal with.

Laurel: you ever flip the script and try and turn it into a fun thing? Where it's like, um, like, Oh,, I had this cute, fun date. Or I kissed this person at a party.

Laurel: And instead of being like, I need to confess, be like, I have a cute little secret.

Daniel: Oh, so you kind of enjoy it.

Laurel: Yeah, you're kind of like, mm.

Daniel: enjoy keeping it to yourself. Oh my

Laurel: god, this is my, this is just a little, this is just a little thing I have. I'm just putting my chest pocket.

Nichole: I wonder if that would work for this person. Because their partners do not want to hear about other encounters. They don't need to. Or they don't need to. And maybe, maybe that's what we need to investigate a little bit.

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: Because the, I don't need to hear about that, is that coming from a place of this person is constantly telling them about other partners?

Nichole: And they're putting up a boundary of like, you really don't need to tell me everything. Or is it a preference? I just don't need to hear about it in order to be in relationship with you. Yeah.

Daniel: And there's a, there's a third possibility, like is the shame coming from you, this compulsion to confess, or do you feel bad for talking about this stuff to your partners because your partners have made you feel a little bit bad about it?

Daniel: Fourth

Laurel: option, you're constantly confessing and they can see that you feel distraught and guilty about this kind of stuff because you're still deprogramming from monoculture and they're like, Sincerely like, you don't have to tell me these things. It's okay

Nichole: You can let go of this guilt that you feel and you just don't need to tell me these things.

Daniel: Fifth option. This is all a holodeck simulation. Oh man. Yeah.

Nichole: So I think that your two responses are related in that, Laurel, identifying what it is that you're feeling and how, Potentially why you're feeling it.

Nichole: Is it a holdover from monoculture? Maybe, or maybe it is. In response to your partners and maybe you need to investigate a little bit about why your partners feel that way

Nichole: and then Daniel once you find out like what your partners are feeling and how they're feeling or why they're feeling that way staying firm to the boundaries that they put and needing to sit in your discomfort

Daniel: and I would say that it's not about their boundaries. It's about your boundaries. You, Stubert, who has written into us. It's about whether or not you want to tell them. Then you put the boundary down about not talking about it.

Daniel: You hold that boundary within yourself and then you get your happy little secret feeling because then you're like it's like the feeling when you're like meditating, man, and you like locate the thought, right? As it's forming.

Laurel: Whoa.

Daniel: Fucking deep.

Laurel: That's

how

Laurel: you know

that Daniel lived with monks.

Nichole: I really wish I could remember what my fucking therapist told me about boundaries. Because there's a difference between,

Nichole: I'm not gonna remember, but basically it's like a, like you, like a boundary is something that you hold. Yes.

Laurel: boundaries are something like you have and you enforce for yourself, you know, if I have a boundary that is you know, You need to inform me before we have Sex if you've had unprotected sex with anybody new and someone breaks that boundary. It's all on me to Be like, okay, I'm not, then this relationship is over.

Laurel: Like every, it's all about my control over the situation. Like you did something that crossed a boundary and I'm exiting this relationship. It's not about like, well, then I get to punish this person kind of thing. You can be aware of other people's boundaries, and you do have agency in whether or not you are crossing those boundaries, what they do after you cross those boundaries is important.

Daniel: They can't put a boundary on you. They can put boundaries on their own behavior if they want to not see you because you're always uh, crying about the girl who you kissed and you liked it. Then they can leave the relationship.

Laurel: I already don't like this Katy Perry reference.

Daniel: I never liked the Katy Perry reference. I'm sorry I brought it into our relationship. Is

Nichole: this your confession?

Daniel: But I'm putting down the boundary now to disinvite Katy Perry from our podcast. I mean, not really. Katy Perry, if you're listening and you want to come on the podcast.

I'm not going to stop you. Yeah.

Daniel: Shall we move along home?

Laurel: Yeah. Giddy up.

Daniel: So what's up next?

Laurel: Unicorn Hunter Hunters.

Song: Do you wanna be there?

Daniel: So Unicorn Hunter Hunters is the segment where we look at the profiles of Unicorn Hunters, those looking for a third to spice up their relationship,

Daniel: And we rate them on three attributes. Self aggrandizement? Arbitrary rules? And would we unicorn for them?

Daniel: That's the segment and I'm sticking to it.

Laurel: So I'm really proud of myself because I found one this time. Because I don't usually find them.

Laurel: I was actually honestly browsing for dates recently, and then came up upon this and then I was like, wait that's a unicorn hunter profile.

Laurel: So I will now read it.

Laurel: Red leather, yellow leather. Very experienced, happily married couple. Very in love and very secure. We enjoy the finer things and look for the finest people to share them with. Not into long distance texting. Actually want to meet up. Highly allergic to big beards. We are seeking very attractive, fit, straight, confident, hung men for, Sorry, hung men for her.

Laurel: So, to add to our amazing sex life.

Daniel: So, just a little note to the side. I believe that all the words that Laurel is yelling are in all caps, the official language of online yelling.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: Yeah. Thank you

Laurel: for clarifying must be. Intelligent, charismatic, confident, but not arrogant. Fit. Lean over bulky.

Laurel: Very well endowed. Eight inch plus and thick. Thick is capitalized. Not all caps, just the T. Capital T thick. And know how to use it. Bigger is only better if it's attached to the right person. Dominant sexually while emotionally responsive. No pain or humiliation. Take full control of her body, mind and orgasms.

Laurel: If you know, you know. Size queen, a hundred percent, very select, good girl for him.

Laurel: Casual seduction.

Laurel: Firm hand pleasure dom. Fit, 5'11 190 pounds. 7 inch by 6 inch.

What?

Laurel: I don't know, it's what it says. 7 inch x 6 inch.

Daniel: So he's got like a, a cube? No, a rectangle, , it's a piece of wood, that he brings to every date.

Laurel: Oh my god. Yeah, I don't know. Anyways, toys, paddles, belt, et cetera, extended orgasms, dirty talk and praise, your pleasure is paramount, drooly face emoji.

Laurel: We lean liberal and have no time for toxic MAGA types.

Daniel: That's supposed to be capitalized, right? Yeah.

Laurel: Yeah, I guess. We only play together, even if it means one watches the other without joining in. Compersion is real. Real wasn't capitalized. There was just an exclamation point. Fun, loving couples always welcome. Husband runs the account and all responses.

Laurel: The end.

Daniel: Well, that was a nice story. Thanks for capping it with a, with a the end.

Laurel: You're welcome.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: Oh my God. God. So there's a lot of measurements

Nichole: in here. A lot of numbers, which to me on any unicorn hunter profile is borderline offensive. As a unicorn hunter, if you are listing your measurements and your weight, you are absolutely taking into account the other person's measurement and weight.

Nichole: I mean, he's explicit about, yes, they're very explicit. Eight inch plus. Yeah, you know, but

Daniel: I hope that they are like standing by this though, you know, and when I am welcomed into their bedroom, they will take out a ruler, also there's a circumference.

Daniel: It's like going to the tailor. You know, and they, they take out the soft ruler.

Laurel: Mm hmm.

Daniel: Yeah.

Daniel: This may be the straightest profile that we've ever looked at.

Laurel: Yeah. That's true, yeah. , which makes it kind of queer in a way.

Daniel: So, it's so straight and went beyond straight and back to queer.

Daniel: Yeah.

Nichole: And the woman needs to be submissive. Yeah. Yeah. At the very least.

Daniel: Yeah. My favorite line is we enjoy the finer things. And look for the finest people to share them with. They just never got over the like vibes from uh, from nineties playboys that they grew up with. Like the people that are invited into this dynamic are like another set of accoutrement for the uh, the jet setters.

Laurel: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. , I get the vibes where it's either you have to be our wealth class or you have to be very impressed by our wealth class. Yes. Yeah.

Nichole: Are they on a boat? Which I am. Please. Please.

Laurel: Daddy, please.

Daniel: This was like all rules and standards.

Daniel: It's kind of like. It's a rubric for us to meet each and every one of these standards and to revel in the standards that they have set with their fitness. and girth of the cock. Only the cock. People cannot be bulky.

Laurel: Right. I'm just imagining just like, this is a very, very disproportionate human who is very svelte and then just has a giant chubby.

Laurel: They don't mention circumcision? They don't know. Not this time around. I think in their world, everybody is circumcised. Oh, probably.

Yeah.

Laurel: Yeah. You can't be that rich and standing on top of tall buildings and not be circumcised.

Laurel: Nicole asked about the boat and there was no boat, but there is a tall building. They're standing on like a, like a rooftop

Nichole: kind of situation.

Daniel: Oh, is it the uh, is it the tallest building in Yamhill?

Nichole: You both arrived at that at the same time and that

Daniel: was

Nichole: a beautiful thing to watch.

Daniel: I mean, you know, a tall building is just like a boat for somebody with no imagination, right? It's like a budget Titanic scene. You know? You're standing there with your arms wide.

Laurel: Yeah, well, when you're on a boat, you're like, I'm captain of the sea.

Laurel: But when you're on a building, you're like, I'm captain of the city.

Daniel: Captain of industry.

Nichole: Oh boy. These people are probably so fucking boring.

Laurel: Or they're the most exciting people you haven't met yet. Mmm. All I know is they've got a lot of big cock. Okay, I gotta wonder, how much 8 inch plus penis is out in the world?

Daniel: Like in total mass? 8

Laurel: Yeah. Yeah. Total mess. No, just I just feel like you, you must make your dating pool so small or your hookup pool so small. I mean,

Laurel: not

Nichole: to, Not to dig too deep into their psyche, but I was also wondering are they so restrictive and so front loading of, we're so happy.

Nichole: Because neither of them actually want to open the relationship, but think that the other person wants to.

Laurel: But you know, insane, insane stipulations on it so that they never actually have to go through it. Yeah. They're like,

Nichole: Oh, well, we didn't find anybody. He was seven and a quarter. And that's just not going to work.

Laurel: That's a fun game to play. I don't know. Yeah, I hope that works for them. This thing that we decided that

Nichole: they

Laurel: do.

Nichole: It turns out they're each other's unicorns.

Laurel: Oh, that's so sweet.

Daniel: You guys, am I bulky?

Daniel: I've never heard the term bulky.

Laurel: I think, well, I've heard it in terms of like bulk up, like you're in bulk up, so it's, yeah, you're more like a broad, thick.

Laurel: Crossfit. Very muscly, yeah.

Daniel: Oh, they want like kung fu muscles or something,

Laurel: They want like a Lance Armstrong. A svelte fit person, a jockey, but a tall jockey, which is what our cyclists.

Nichole: Yes.

Laurel: According to science.

Daniel: I'm curious about some of the glimmers of generosity and openness that they are looking for in the people without much of a awareness of Of their own profile, not exhibiting any of these things, like you want somebody who's emotionally responsive, but also like eight inches lean, really specific body type.

Laurel: Are you saying that lean people can't be emotionally responsive?

Daniel: When they say no toxic MAGA types, right, they're like, you know, we don't want people who are maybe judgmental, closed off, all of the things that you associate with like, , the right, the toxicity of that Mindset and yet the whole thing it's kind of a

Daniel: , fascism of attraction,

Laurel: fascism of attraction.

Laurel: There's this thing about attraction We talk about like size queen as sort of a kink, but when you start like distilling people into fitting these physical molds of what will say a kink,

Laurel: I feel like there's these weird ethical moral questions that come into play. And right now I feel like we live in a social sphere within within sex and kink in this non monogamous sexual space where it's very common and very okay to demand specific physical things from other people.

Laurel: Part of the reason like we have this segment is just to call out like the ethical questionability of making those demands of other humans.

Daniel: If your kink is specific physical attributes, that's not a kink. It's prejudice, this gets into, you know, the ballpark of like, Oh, can you have a racial kink?

Daniel: Like, Until very recently, it was kind of socially semi acceptable on certain sites to be like this race only. And all of these physical boundaries start to edge toward that direction.

Nichole: There was a campaign, I remember when I lived in Seattle, I lived on Capitol Hill, there was a campaign on Capitol Hill of a bunch of posters of different types of identities within the gay culture, gay cis men culture.

Nichole: And it would have the types like otter, bear, what have you. And the headline was, is it preference or prejudice? Oh, interesting. Yeah. And not being a member of that community, I didn't answer that question for myself, but it did force the question of like, are you prejudicial against other groups or against these specific groups that we're calling out on this poster?

Daniel: I feel sorry for them, sometimes. Because I feel like The bears are the otters. Their habitats are just shrinking by the day. People with such incredibly specific rules. about what they want. Because it can't really feel all that good, even when you find somebody who matches on point A, point B, point C, all the way along.

Daniel: I feel like there's a mental process that is probably still running in the background of their mind that is like, They still don't fit. I don't think that there's a way that they could be completely satisfied with any human being. It's not about there's a set of parameters.

Daniel: It's the mental process of. Parameter creation and human curation.

Nichole: Yeah. Agreed. And it genuinely surprised me when they said no MAGA types, because I was like, you guys feel like MAGA types, turns out they're just the coastal elite.

Nichole: Oh.

Nichole: Alright, so, how do we rate them?

Daniel: I feel regretful that I think that I ever gave anybody a 9 on rules. Have I before? Have I ever gone to 9 on rules? I can't remember. I don't know. I'm going there now.

Laurel: Oh.

Daniel: Rules. Again, it's Because

Laurel: there was a specific length associated with the penis needed.

Daniel: Length, body type, really specific body type, like a specific type of fitness.

Daniel: The being listed among the finer people in life to match their fine things. I've never felt like I've been run through a sieve this tight before. On one of these profiles, so, nine just because , I have hope for the, the extreme unicorns of the future.

Daniel: Yeah, we're always holding out hope.

Nichole: I agree. I think a nine. We haven't come across a profile that has this many physical attributes laid out regarding different dimensions of the body. I agree. We've had, you know, you need to be thick or whatever, or she's a size queen, but we've never had that thickness better be attached to a lean body.

Laurel: Yeah. I was on the, Eight or nine, but I think I was going eight because I'm becoming desensitized.

Laurel: Oh my God. Just another laundry list of things you need to be. Yeah.

Nichole: all right. What about self aggrandizement?

Daniel: Eight. That's just I just throw in a dart. You're just throwing a

Nichole: gut feeling out

Laurel: there.

Daniel: Yeah.

Nichole: Yeah, I gotta say like Maybe seven they talk about the finer things. They make very direct allusions to, you better either be in our wealth class or impressed by our wealth class, but they don't talk about necessarily, like, all the countries that they've visited.

Nichole: And again, It might be on top of a building, but they're not in a boat.

Laurel: I'm like, you know, thinking about the Olympics and where they sort of like itemize like point deductions and stuff. And there's just a yacht deduction. No yachts. Sorry. Um, Yeah, I will say seven. They're super in love and happily married and enjoy the finer things, but , it could be worse.

Nichole: Would you unicorn for them?

Daniel: I don't even think that they would like perceive me as a, as a, like a being in their space. Like they just look straight over my head, you know, they wouldn't even put an arm, rest an arm on the top like you do, Nicole. Um, Yeah, no.

Laurel: You know, what's funny is I flipped through their images first when I found it and and I was like, Oh, maybe like they're attractive. But I felt , like, I don't go for people that are like too hot, I just don't feel like. We grew up in the same world. I don't know. So I was like, these people are just attractive enough. And then I read their profiles like, ah! No thank

you!

Nichole: Of course I would not be a unicorn for them.

Nichole: I don't think that I'm who they're looking for. I want to find the couple

Laurel: that, Daniel and I won't unicorn for but Nicole will I know

Daniel: She kind of wanted to join that cult a few weeks ago,

Nichole: that's yeah, that's true. Yeah, but again that was I think why I was so repulsed is because I was like, it would be nice to turn off my brain.

Nichole: And I'm ashamed of that thought.

Laurel: We've hit our three segments. . But we got one last little juicy tidbit that we'd like to expose our listeners to.

Daniel: It's a segment lit

Daniel: Segmenta

Daniel: We use the Y in this house. We use the Yiddish Dominican

Daniel: For our final mini segment, another first, it's time for a poly pyramid scheme.

Song: Polyhuraman Huramanski. Polyhuraman Huramanski. Polymega bolts, join the cult. Polyhuraman Huramanski.

Laurel: You guys ever do chain letters when you're a kid? Oh, fuck. Yeah. Oh man. Yeah. Okay. This time we would like you to tell one person you're fucking about poly amateur hour. The podcast variety show for people who love variety.

Daniel: The deeply unserious podcast about serious relationships.

Laurel: Yeah. Just tell one person, just one person you're banging. It doesn't count if they already know though. Oh, but it would be really cute if you're both going to tell each other, like mid coitus,

Nichole: I was going to say the way that we position this is like. Tell one person that you're fucking. I'm like, during?

Nichole: Yeah,

Laurel: during. Do a during.

Daniel: Now, I already asked for the during from somebody that I know, and she was resistant. The stubert. Why? She said he wouldn't like it. And I was like, what about what you want? Oh my god. And then I was like, fine, I will settle for post coital. So, you know, just when he's really like, when he's really loose and just feeling really open and loving just be like, have you listened to Polly Amateur Hour? And then he will love bond to it like he's a baby duckling. Oh my god.

Laurel: Yeah. Get that love bond. Yeah. Substitute, substitute your post coital bonding for us.

Daniel: Invite polyamateur hour into your relationship.

Nichole: You won't regret it.

Daniel: Why this is a great poly pyramid scheme is that hopefully all of you are fucking more than one person, so, you know, we're just asking for one.

Nichole: We're just asking for one.

Daniel: Just one, off the bat. Then maybe if that works?

Laurel: Then maybe they tell somebody they're fucking.

Daniel: And eventually, someone that we're fucking whispers to

us,

Daniel: Have you heard of polyamateur hour?

Daniel: And I respond, I am Pollyanna Tremolo.

The

end.

This has been Polyamateur Hour, a production of Risa Records. If you have a question for Ask the Amateurs, or a recommendation for Is This Poly, please email us at polyamateurhour at gmail dot com. If you enjoyed the show, and you know you did, you perv, please subscribe to us on your podcatcher of choice, leave us a five star review, and most importantly, tell at least one person in your life to check us out.

But we hope you tell three. Remember, the advice given by the amateurs should not be followed. Unless you are prepared to be ecstatically happy, successful, and strange. Until next time!