Daniel: Alright um, what if our first like, piece of merch was polyamateur hour underwear?

Laurel: That's cute.

Nichole: As long as they're high waisted, I would wear them.

Laurel: Like, they can't just be any like schmobo undies.

Song: Talkin bout love and sex and power, All our polyamateur hour.

Nichole: Oh God. I used to do merch for bands coming through for a couple of venues around town and this one band was selling thong underwear. My way of selling it was, so these were designed by a man.

Nichole: They're thong underwear, but the seam is so pronounced that the thong doesn't actually matter because you're going to see panty lines anyway. And it was true. Like they were egregious. It was. All right,

Daniel: so , I think the lesson here is to not have Nicole review the product.

Laurel: Don't let Nicole tell people about the faults of the product we've designed.

Daniel: They're highly flammable. They

Nichole: are

Daniel: not breathable. It's just, it's all, it's, it's.

Nichole: To be

Nichole: fair, I didn't like the band and I didn't like the lead singer

Laurel: I mean, maybe it's just like rock and roll, man, but also like, I don't know, like if it's an all male band and they're selling thongs.

Nichole: Doesn't that say something? I feel like it says a thing.

Nichole: I did not, I did not like it, and I made it known that I did not like it.

Daniel: So if you're gonna sell, if you're gonna sell the thongs, You gotta wear the thongs.

Laurel: Yeah that's fair. Yeah. Cause if it's dudes who are wearing their thongs on stage, cool. Yes. I'm also imagining Nicole like at a venue just like slingshotting thongs, unpurchased thongs just out into the venue like, fuck this!

Laurel: Don't think I didn't think about it.

Daniel: I thought you were talking about that she could be our like, T shirt cannon person, but with thongs just shooting thongs in the faces of our stuberts at our first live show.

Laurel: Like we, yeah, we have a stadium live show.

Laurel: I

Daniel: can't make the, can you do the

Daniel: uh,

Laurel: What?

Daniel: Air horn? Oh I wasn't ready. Oh my God! None of us None of us do

it. Which like, you

Laurel: were also, you were doing the motion of like pressing the air horn. But it looked like a finger puppet. Whip!

Romp, romp, Romp. Mwah, mwah,

Nichole: Mwah.

Nichole: Are we so uncool that we can't do

it?

Nichole: Isn't it like,

Let

Nichole: me attempt this. Cause now I'm really nervous. Is it like, Why does it sound

Laurel: like a muppet every time? Why can't we

do

Laurel: it?

What?

Laurel: Oh,

fuck.

Laurel: Here's the thing. I don't think anyone actually produces that noise with their mouth. They just have a soundboard.

Laurel: I just feel like a

Daniel: failure. I

Laurel: feel like a fool. You can't, listen, you, you're not, your worth is not measured by your air horn imitation capabilities. I just don't have my

Daniel: confidence thong on.

Laurel: Put on your confidence thong. That's, That's it. Our first piece of merch is a thong and it just says confidence on it.

Laurel: Put on your confidence thong.

Daniel: Welcome. To Polyamateur Hour.

Nichole: I'm Nicole. I'm Laurel.

Daniel: I'm Confident. Confidence Daniel.

Nichole: Oh boy. Are you gonna

Daniel: It was no better even after you had the example. I

think

Nichole: the secret is you can't think about it too much. Yeah. Oh my god, okay.

Nichole: Oh, that was pretty good. Yeah. That's not bad. Is your confidence back?

Daniel: My, my thoughts are gone. I used to not think about it. I was just like, empty the brain.

Laurel: You cleared your head a little too much.

Daniel: This is like an especially late night recording for us. It is. It is. You'd think that we would like Get all like late night radio and like, you know, welcome to polyamory hour.

Laurel: Oh polyamory hour after dark

Nichole: Yeah, you'd think but I go to bed at like 8 30.

Daniel: So let's wrap this up But like we're all just like giddy because we We're out

Laurel: past our bedtime.

Daniel: Mm hmm And we haven't, we haven't even had our, uh, evening ice cream. Today is a special episode.

Laurel: It is a special episode.

Daniel: It is. Once

Laurel: in a while,

Daniel: we try to escape our incredibly insular fishbowl slash cocoon your kink. is like for those in the non coastal elite states.

Daniel: We'd like to call this segment, My Own Pauley, Idaho.

Song: How I long to be in my own Pauley, Idaho, where I can be free and blow who I want to blow.

Daniel: A while ago, we were talking to our fans far and wide and we're mentioning all the states who we have just like a little smattering of listeners in and we're like, Oh my God, suddenly somebody is listening in Montana.

Daniel: Suddenly somebody is listening in Texas. Suddenly somebody's listening in Florida. And lo and behold, a Florida man reached out to us. Not a. The. The Florida man. Um, he found us through the ad that we ran. On Greatest Jen, shout out Greatest Jen.

Clip: Here's to the finest crew in Starfleet! Engage!

Daniel: We are extremely excited to have him on, on a pre recorded segment.

Daniel: Roll tape.

Daniel: And

Laurel: What, what do you want? You want me to talk into this?

Daniel: Ideally the best way to use a microphone is to speak into it.

Daniel: Not, Not to fallate it. Laurel, Laurel. Laurel. Laurel. Laurel.

Daniel: Is,

is, Is this close

Daniel: enough? The microphone did not give, the microphone did not give consent. Just because it's called, sure.

Laurel: It's a sure thing.

Daniel: you're like

Daniel: all up in that Mike's business.

Daniel: Why are you

Laurel: like

Daniel: always

Laurel: just like trying to control me?

Daniel: Because you are the rogue agent. Like I might look over to you and you're just be like speaking to the pipe in the wall or something.

Laurel: Or I'm napping in the corner.

Nichole: Reid, I'm sorry, have you listened to the podcast? No, never.

Nichole: Okay, cool.

Nichole: This is great.

Reed: I found you all through your Priority One message on

Laurel: Greatest Jen.

Reed: Greatest Jen,

Laurel: yeah.

Reed: Huh. for a few years now and, so when you did that, I was like, Oh, that's fun. And the name got me to just clever, clever name. Um, So I immediately popped over and hit follow and started listening.

Yay. Thank you. Yeah.

Daniel: So read, no worries about doing introductions we're going to do the rest of the podcast later and then just throw it to this and then edit out anything that is pertinent to anything at all.

Daniel: So well ,

Daniel: so, Reid, Yeah. Do you know why you're here?

Laurel: Do you know why we asked you here? I

Daniel: do.

Reed: Yep. There's three specific questions.

Laurel: Yay. We're not that bad at communicating.

Laurel: . So Reed. Thank you so much for submitting yourself to this Specific kind of fun what

Daniel: When I was doing the sound test earlier with Reed, I was saying, okay, Florida has a rep, right?

Daniel: There's, there are things that people, unjustly say about Florida. And so, , this is, you know, one, your chance to uh, set the record straight and, or give us all that sweet, trashy chaos. Ooh, yeah.

Laurel: Yeah. You're the official representative now of the entire state of Florida.

Reed: Happy to oblige. I take that responsibility on. As a Florida man.

Laurel: Florida born and raised, right?

Reed: Yes.

Reed: Yeah, the entire my entire life has been living here different coasts of florida, but or different areas, but always florida

Nichole: So that means that your entire poly experience has been in florida

Reed: Yes

Nichole: Alright.

Laurel: Yeah. Wait, can you give us like, little deets on your, your Polly journey before we ask the like, location questions?

Reed: Yeah. No, sure, whatever, yeah. Yeah, tell us.

Laurel: Tell us.

Reed: Started dating Lydia about, gosh, what was that, 2015, so nine years ago. And She had an interesting past where she had dated. You know dated is a loose term but been with multiple people at the same time, in her past and I thought that was very interesting I also had a friend in college an acquaintance rather That had two partners at the same time, and I've always thought that was interesting and exciting for reasons that I now understand.

Reed: And in the beginning of our relationship, it was always a topic of, that we were open to and I was interested in. And we started exploring just non monogamy and later on polyamory. Yeah, because of that.

Laurel: So you've been seeing Lydia for nine years, which is rad.

Laurel: Congratulations on longevity because that's a signifier of something society tells me How long in were you when you started practicing non monogamy

Reed: we started, I think, practicing in 2018, non mogmy.

Okay.

Reed: Yeah, and I've always had more energy for dates and relationships and, just having a larger web of friends.

Reed: And so I was always very interested in the, relationship aspect of it. Whereas Lydia's has less energy for that. She more enjoys the friendship aspect. Whereas, whereas I'm more interested in, in being open to a new full relationship if it presents itself. Like she enjoys staying on the couch and I enjoy going out.

Daniel: This is a very familiar dynamic. I feel very mirrored right now. Yes, absolutely.

Daniel: Nicole was so hesitant to actually get out there and date. For years, she was like, Oh my god, I hate dating. I want to never have to date again. This is why I'm in a committed relationship. Don't make me date.

Nichole: That's not true. I will say that I started being a little bit more on the polyamory side once I got a new job and I really liked my job. And then suddenly I was like, Oh my God, is this what happiness is?

Nichole: Maybe I can share some of this with somebody. Okay.

Reed: Interesting. Okay. So I should get her a different job.

Daniel: If that's

Nichole: something that she wants and if that's something that you want.

Daniel: You're in Orlando now. Yep. For the

Reed: past um, let's call it 15 years.

Laurel: Yeah, let's get into our, our location based questions. So the first one were uh, any specific challenges that you face as a polyamorous person in Orlando?

Reed: Not in the The way that I think the question means there's not really discrimination or any negativity in general towards polyamorous people here due in part to , it, the, the queerness of the city, and the openness of the city funny enough the challenge, Happens more in trying to find poly people because Florida, at least in my experience and from what I can infer has such a large swinging and King community like on field, for example, eight out of 10 profiles are couples , looking for other couples, and just looking for for hookups so it's difficult to find other people of the same tribe, if you will, there are, I guess we'll get this the next question, there are made up groups, but it's it's hard to wade through the or find, what is it?

Reed: Find the wheat from the chaff.

Daniel: So you're saying is there's a lot of, there's a lot of unicorn hunters, and you may come across many unicorn hunter profiles. In your journey is on field, perhaps they are very compelling or disturbing.

Daniel: Your mission, should you choose to accept it is to be our unicorn hunter collector in the world. Florida, will you be our agent? Just if you see one, like a really, a real swampy, good one, the most Florida unicorn hunters that you've ever seen.

Daniel: Just throw

Laurel: a net over that. I

Reed: might have to start a new profile just to get rid of all the swipe lefts that I've done.

Laurel: Yeah. Start fresh. There are some good

Reed: ones. Yeah.

Laurel: For our sake, please.

Reed: Also, It's not just unicorn hunters. I'd say it's just, it's a lot of couples looking for other couples as well.

Laurel: Yeah. Yeah.

Daniel: We have a very broad

Laurel: definition of unicorn hunters. Apparently we do, yes. Yeah, we've allowed it to just kind of seep through.

Laurel: Yeah. To just anything we don't like. That's our definition of a unicorn hunter. Questionable behavior.

Laurel: All right, so yeah, you were almost making the segue for us but yeah in light of you know Maybe having some difficulty finding your people what kind of resources do you have?

Reed: There's a few I'd say Indirectly the we're seen is a good resource and all the gay bars I've made friends and friends with benefits and Yeah, very good friendships from meeting people at those places.

Reed: In Orlando it seems to overlap, like the queer and kink and poly community. It's all one thing. But it's so open, again, that's a great resource to meet like minded people. Aside from that, we've got a dungeon that's pretty well known nearby.

Reed: And so you can meet a lot of like minded people there. If people are practicing kink chances are they're poly as well. Or on some level, at least.

Laurel: Yeah.

Reed: And then um, we've also got a sizable, pretty, I'd go so far as to say renowned swingers club in Kissimmee, which is about 45 minutes away from Orlando.

Nichole: That's how you pronounce that. It's not Kiss a me. I thought it was Kiss a me. All right, sorry, go on. Kiss a me.

Reed: I think it was started by a couple that would do takeovers at this. call it a Holiday Inn or something like that, like a two story motel with a pool in the middle, right? And then it evolved into, I think, them buying it when it went out of business or something similar.

Reed: And so they

Laurel: I'm like, guys, we gotta do this.

Nichole: We gotta do this. So it's a motel with a pool in the middle that is also like a swingers club.

Reed: Yeah. It is a swingers club.

Nichole: Just period.

Reed: Yeah. And so what they did was they took all the rooms that you call them condos. And they sold them as is, not fancied up or anything, to people who wanted to fancy them up and then also required in the sale that they rent it out at least half the year.

Reed: They can't just live there. So you have these rooms that are quite personalized and. You rent those to stay there at the resort. Or you just go for a day.

Laurel: Wow. Oh

Nichole: my god.

Laurel: I've never wanted to go to Florida before, but now I do. Me too! That

Nichole: sounds fucking amazing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I really want to go. What's this wearer's club? What's it called?

Reed: It's called Secrets Hideaway, and it's in Kissimmee.

Reed: So if you fly into Orlando International, it's a 30 45 minute drive.

Laurel: Reed, how do you feel about us coming to hang out?

Daniel: That'd be awesome. We're gonna do a special.

Laurel: From Orlando?

Daniel: Yeah, from the From

Laurel: Secret Hideaway?

Daniel: From the, the poly condos.

Nichole: I'm actually really excited about this.

Laurel: This is great.

Daniel: Okay. Everybody start thinking about what we're going to call our Polly special live from Orlando. Okay. Oh my God,

Laurel: I'm so excited. I know, me too, I can't wait. It's gotta

Daniel: have a pun in it.

Laurel: Yeah, it's gotta.

Daniel: Is it Horlando?

Daniel: It's fair.

Nichole: Wait, how do you pronounce the name of the town again?

Reed: Oh, kiss me.

Nichole: Kiss me, kiss you.

Daniel: Kiss, kiss me, kiss you,

Laurel: kiss us.

Nichole: Alright, nevermind. So excited that I had any kind of contribution. All right. What's the next question.

Laurel: if You have any fun stories defining moments that might sort of exemplify Polly in Orlando.

Reed: I will say one story, I guess, is a success story of introducing people to this lifestyle, if you will. We've, Started a little community of like minded friends and joined a few others. And also introduced a fair amount of first timers that were interested but never knew anybody that was practicing this.

Laurel: That's very cool. Yeah. Good job being ambassadors. I guess. Yeah. Totally.

Daniel: We really need people out there. on the ground recruiting for the poly cult.

Laurel: Yeah. If we're going to get this poly liberation cell going, we need committed soldiers, boots on the ground.

Laurel: Thank you for your service, Reed.

Reed: It's been relatively easy, I think, to find people who are interested in this because of the, like I said before, the openness of Orlando.

Reed: If I'm out with my girlfriend and our partner you'll get people, eventually asking like, oh what's, what's the deal here? And We never got a negative reaction to it, really, at least from our peers

Reed: and so we, we find that it's kind of easy to, find people who are interested in it and then become friends with them so they can have a contact, so they can have a, resource that's practicing polyamory or, ethical non monogamy.

That's amazing. Good for you.

Nichole: Reid, what was your other stories that you had? So, Do you have a couple?

Reed: They're just small little, little tidbits. I mean, One might fall under the polymindfuck uh, title. Yeah

Reed: yes, yes, yes,

Nichole: yes, Yes.

Song: It's like a game of telephone, with plenty of feedback. Invited three horses, got only one pizza. Ya balls on ya face, ya got self feedbacked. We're gettin the popcorn, and leanin our seat back. Can't blame ya partners, it sure wasn't Rhyme Lock. You are the author of this poly MINDFUL!

Reed: Like I said, a kind of a smaller community, I assume, than someplace like Portland. And so we've had a person we were talking to and dated once or twice that didn't really go further because reasons.

Reed: And then at a party we were hosting with, 50 people here or so. She meets some of the polyamorous friends that we met at the original meetup groups and became good friends with and introduce us to the whole lifestyle. And they ended up going on a date. I didn't really know they were going to and get a text the next day.

Reed: Like, why didn't you tell us about Stubert?

Reed: Like she's all over the place, man. I was like, Oh, I didn't know you're uh, Actually, I was gonna, whatever, I wasn't gonna pollute any, you know, what was gonna happen was gonna happen. You guys, You guys found out. Oh

Laurel: my god. Fucked

Daniel: around and found out. And found

Laurel: out.

Daniel: Hopefully did not fuck around. Hopefully found out before they fucked around.

Daniel: It

Laurel: depends on how the fucking was.

Daniel: Yeah, that's true.

Daniel: I

Laurel: mean, Maybe That was such a Laurel response. Jesus.

Daniel: Maybe we could, just rephrase that, that summary and make it sound like really good. Like, Why didn't you tell me about Stubert? They are all over the place.

Daniel: Reed, would you like to accept the blame for not warning your friend about Stubert?

Reed: Definitely half the blame. The other half of me was just, let things go where they go.

Laurel: Yeah. , we look out for each other to a point because at what point does it become like constrictively hierarchical if you're telling everyone who they can and can't date?

Daniel: It's one thing to tell somebody who they can and can't date and another one to be like, dude, they're fucking crazy.

Laurel: That's fair, but I also feel like. I'm trying to think of a case with like, you know, an ex stubert of mine. If someone else was like, Oh yeah, I met this person we're having a great time. I feel like I wouldn't be like, Oh yeah. Like, I might point out that we dated and that it didn't work out.

Laurel: But I, I don't know if I would be like, They're a crazy asshole.

Nichole: That is a really good point. Like, how, where is the line of like, friendly advice? And. And did they ask? That was the thing. Your friends didn't ask.

Reed: No.

Nichole: So So their fault. It's their fault, really. Like, how were you supposed to know, like, why didn't you tell us? You didn't fucking ask!

Daniel: Speaking of asking Do you have a question for us today?

Daniel: Last time, last time we doubled up. I don't know if you noticed. I did. But we, we, we did ask the amateurs. Simultaneously. Any questions about the birds and the bees that you wanted to ask, uh, daddy and mommy and mommy?

Song: If you got questions, don't demur, it's time to ask the amateurs.

Reed: actually, I did prepare one earlier, studying up today on your podcasts. Yeah.

Laurel: Thank you for doing your homework.

Reed: Is hierarch sorry I said that over. Is hierarch You can't even say it!

Reed: Is hierarchical poly intrinsically bad?

Daniel: Not bad for some people, bad for me. I mean, I don't think that there's really any ethical judgments, right? That we can put on these behaviors.

Daniel: There's all sorts of hierarchies that people impose on their relationships in everyday life. If we say that, Hierarchical polyamory is unethical. There's a lot of other things that we would have to say are unethical. Monogamy, unethical. I don't think it's, it's bad. It's just ignorant.

Wow! Wow! Just kidding.

Laurel: I think yeah, I don't I don't think that it is like implicitly and inherently unethical. But I think that when not examined and when not carried out with intention It can be like a carrier for all kinds of unethical treatment of other people.

Daniel: Would you say the same thing for non hierarchical polyamory, though?

Daniel: The exact same thing, like when not carried out what did you say, mindfully and

Laurel: Intentionally

Daniel: or Intentionally?

Laurel: Yeah, I mean, yeah, that's fair. I think, I don't know, like I'm thinking of this on a broader scale of all of the sort of like hierarchies that exists in our like day to day lives, especially in sort of like, capitalistic, like Judeo Christian culture where like we make hierarchy feel like a necessity.

Laurel: Like there's no way that society could function without it. My Instagram feed is filled with like decolonize this decolonize that decolonize this. And then I see people sort of like giving examples of how to do that in their relationships.

Laurel: And I think it comes from a good place, but I, in some ways it hugely ignores the context in which you exist. And also creates a whole other set of tomfuckery like you're just, you're trying so hard that you're just, you're creating new rules.

Laurel: Hierarchy is probably necessary for some relationships and couples. I largely conceive of that for folks who have children.

Laurel: Or other like caretaking responsibilities and needs. Or like specific set of like disabilities. There are situations in which I think that our society hasn't created a space in which to escape like interpersonal hierarchy. in the absence of a strong social net You need to have some of these paradigms still within your interpersonal relationships for things to like work and function

Laurel: so I think there are situations in which like not only is it Like, not bad or not unethical, but maybe as necessary or the best way to take care of each other in a particular context.

Daniel: That's really insightful.

Laurel: You're welcome.

Nichole: I do think that The broad brush with which it could potentially get painted that hierarchy is bad is the examples that we see play out in couples who are entering non monogamy.

Yeah.

Nichole: The examples that litter polyamory Reddit, Are the wife vetoed me. Or the wife didn't want to know who I was , whatever it is I do think that for couples who are entering into non monogamy, like it's really hard to just divorce yourself from hierarchy and get that paradigm out of your mind, but it is how you navigate through it, right?

Nichole: Because Laura, like you were saying you are more likely to come across bad actors practicing hierarchical polyamory and more likely to be discarded, right? There's just a higher chance of people not being treated as people, but at the same time, there's bad actors everywhere.

It's

Nichole: just a different manifestation of it. And because more couples are entering non monogamy newly, rather than being non monogamous in the first place. I think that's where a little bit of the hierarchy is bad comes from.

Daniel: It makes a lot of sense that it would be the newbies, right? When you've been on the other end of the hierarchy it can give you the kind of experience that you need to understand the unethical possibilities of hierarchy. And I think many of us who entered non monogamy very slowly, maybe also entered non monogamy, not from the position of opening a relationship up, have been in the situation of getting hierarchied, you know?

Laurel: yeah,

Daniel: totally. You

Laurel: got hierarchied. Yeah. Okay.

Daniel: And I'm not going to want to hierarchy anyone,

Laurel: yeah. Cause you know how it feels.

Daniel: Cause I know how it feels. It

Laurel: sucks. Yeah.

Daniel: It does.

Laurel: We talk about like, like monogamy is the default for culture.

Laurel: And polyamory is sort of like, when you come into it even if you feel oriented towards it, it's a conscious choice that you make to practice it in our culture specifically. And I'm like is hierarchical polyamory, especially for couples coming into non monogamy or polyamory for the default.

Nichole: I think it's a knee jerk. Right? Like it's, it's the paradigm that they know, right?

Nichole: Yeah. It's we're very, we're a very monogamous culture and we're very couple centric. And so if they're entering into non monogamy into this space. Where it's not couple centric. I think they're knee jerk as to like, Oh, but security, security. Like, I need security. And so I need my partner to tell me that I'm the one.

Nichole: The best one. I

Daniel: think sometimes it can be a reaction to the fear of one partner. I think,

Daniel: sometimes it is a symptom of an unequal desire to enter into non monogamy.

Nichole: Correct. One

Daniel: partner is like, Okay, but I have to be number one.

Nichole: Or, okay, but I have veto power.

Daniel: Or, okay, but they have to wear a funny hat.

Laurel: Is that why?

Daniel: We make you wear a funny hat? Fuck.

Reid, what do you think?

Reed: I could think of instances playing Devil's Advocate where there are plenty of times where hierarchical Polly would be fine.

Reed: For example, if someone's just looking for a boyfriend or a girlfriend and they understand that they're, the person's married or they've got a nesting partner or whatever, and they're fine with that. And in that case. I think intrinsically someone's needs do come before the others. but In that case, maybe that's all the hinge is looking for.

Laurel: I also think of hierarchy in two modalities and one is like implicit and one is explicit and implicit hierarchy You could say and I think I gave this example the last time we're talking about this too But you could say like there's some implicit hierarchy that daniel and nicole share Because they cohabit and because they share finances and because you're like legally married

Daniel: and there's some implicit hierarchy that we share because we just fuck constantly

Laurel: God

Laurel: The fuckyarchy Thank you for that And and like yeah to your to your point of like oh if that's just what You know if daniel isn't seeking to share those particular things with another partner and that other partner isn't seeking to share those particular things with Daniel, then that's fine. And I think in this case that's how it works out I don't feel like I'm missing out on something because these two have it together.

Laurel: But there's no explicit hierarchy in the sense that, Daniel came to the relationship and said Nicole comes first. Nicole is. Is more to me than you are. Or like I might, cancel plans at the drop of the hat because Nicole wants to spend the night in together or whatever, like none of that exists.

Laurel: And those are the things that would, would be deal breakers to me. That would, make me make me feel like dehumanized in that case and more like, you know, a tool to satiate Daniel's disgusting sex drive.

Laurel: Right back at you, buddy.

Daniel: Do you think that it's fair to say that the partner coming in from outside of the primary relationship in a hierarchical poly relationship that it will work a lot better if that person has A lot of experience in non monogamy and a firm awareness of what they want. It's going to be a little bit of a paradox, right?

Daniel: Because the more experience that they may have in non monogamy and the more invested in it, they are, I would think maybe the less likely they would want to be

Laurel: engage in that kind of dynamic,

Daniel: exactly. But if they are if, if they are like that very rare, you know, Let's say unicorn.

Laurel: Let's say uh, I don't know uh, Unicorn.

Daniel: That wants just that much connection and commitment. Yeah. I think, I think Reed is right. Read is right. Read is right. That there is nothing, that there is nothing wrong. There are people who are like, that is all I want. I do not fucking want to be your number one favorite. I'm not going to find you or getcha, getcha, getcha, getcha.

Reed: But they want the respect that comes with whatever their place in the relationship is. They want the respect that a regular typical girlfriend or boyfriend would get, for example.

Yeah.

Reed: Yeah. Yeah.

Nichole: Yeah. But I think, or not but. Also. Also. Yes. And. This comes back to what we come back to with almost every question, which is communication, right?

Nichole: Two parties entering a relationship have to be very, it helps to be explicit about what it is that you want upfront. And those wants can change as long as you are in communication with each other about those wants changing. I think that again the unspoken hierarchy and like the being surprised by being vetoed, like that's, those are the things that hurt, right?

Nichole: should be at the start of every relationship. Polly or otherwise should be some very clear communication and some clear conversations. I am learning so much dating some of these people on Hinge

Nichole: People being very clear with me what it is that they want what they need What their communication styles are like um, where they find security, where they find insecurity. It is fascinating and it totally refreshing to have somebody actually tell me what it is that they fucking want. And I don't have to guess, and send myself into a shame spiral because I didn't turn out to be the person that they wanted.

Nichole: Like it's, Yeah, you can just What a revelation.

Daniel: You can just send yourself into a shame spiral on your own time for no good reason at all.

Nichole: It doesn't take much.

Daniel: The rest of this episode we'll be singing.

Laurel: Stop. You don't want that from me. Nobody wants that from me.

Daniel: This is not true. Reed, do you know that she is the lead vocalist on Unicorn Hunter Hunters? Interesting. If

Laurel: you put enough distortion on it, it can be acceptable.

Laurel: I don't date as much right now as I used to, but I have definitely Entered into situations where maybe people weren't like explicitly like I'm married or I have a nesting partner And they're gonna come before you but it seems clear to me either in our conversations or maybe like their level of experience with Polly that like there's gonna be some Like, more heavy hierarchy in this relationship

Laurel: and that's okay with me. Like, yeah, I'm cool being your like weekend girlfriend or whatever. Or I'm cool being your unicorn or kind of like a friends with benefits sort of thing. And like, if I can frame my mind around that and to have clear expectations for, like you're saying Nicole, like what they can and can't offer in the relationship, what they're looking for like that feels comfortable.

Laurel: I know how to fit into this that doesn't of course account for like Oh, yeah, what happens if big feelings get caught or whatever but also in the avoidant club Like, like I'm good at like turning that down myself and like being able to like.

Laurel: temper that where it might not be as easy for someone who is more anxiously attached and like that can create more problems if they engage in a Dynamic that is more hierarchical than they end up wanting

Daniel: did we answer the question

Reed: You did yes.

Daniel: Yeah, and then we just keep hammering. We keep hammering it Over and over again, we answered it like 20 minutes ago, motherfuckers. We've

Laurel: got two modes. It's either not answering it at all, or answered it within three seconds. And then it's been another, 30 minutes talking about it.

Daniel: It has been such a pleasure having you on Reed.

Laurel: Yeah, thank you. That was a good question. That was fun. That was a good question. Thank you.

Nichole: How should we introduce you? Like, how do you want to be introduced, listener from Florida.

Daniel: Florida man.

Nichole: Florida man.

Reed: Yeah, and feel, feel free to use my name.

Reed: It's fine. I'm not out to my parents they're quite old, I was adopted, so there's a huge age gap.

Laurel: Cool. So don't send this to your aging parents.

Reed: Noted. I'll, I'll resist the temptation to do so

Daniel: much. So we should probably not, we were gonna like do a print advertisement in the AARP.

Laurel: Featuring Florida man. Is this your son?

Daniel: It's 5 a. m. On a Tuesday. Do you know where your

son

Daniel: is? Oh my god.

Daniel: That was, I A fabulous My Own Pauly, Idaho. That was so much fun.

Laurel: And now we're going to Florida.

Laurel: And now we have plans to go to Florida, which we were all genuinely very excited

Daniel: about. In between recording that and recording this, we have looked up the ticket prices. We actually,

Nichole: I literally did. I pulled up my Alaska app and was like, how much?

Daniel: And if you too would like to join us for a My Own Pauly, Idaho. And then have us come to see you.

Nichole: You got to sell your state.

Nichole: I genuinely really like Doing remote interviews for my own Polly Idaho.

Nichole: They're so fun. They are, they're fun and it's just, it's just, you know, nice to break up the monotony of you two chuckle fucks.

Daniel: It's the only time I really see you with this glow. Is when you have somebody else to witness your pain.

Laurel: Yeah, it's the only time like Nicole relaxes a little. Daniel and Laurel have to be on like slightly better behavior.

Daniel: That's what she thinks. Going into it, it just brings out the worst in us.

Laurel: Yeah, it's also true.

Daniel: Yeah. Like big goal, talk to a poly person who like wears a cowboy hat in everyday life.

Laurel: Big goal. So, Also, if you're just, if you're just out there wearing a cowboy hat, and being Pauly, please reach out.

Daniel: Hey, cowboy.

Daniel: Whoa, trigger. Warning.

Laurel: Yeah, I was like, wait, do you have a, is there a thing with horses? We got a problem?

Daniel: Now, we got one more segment today before we all fucking go to sleep.

Laurel: All right, let's make it happen.

Daniel: It is time for season two. Last time

Song: Come inside, and take your shoes off. Have some pie, and shake your blues off. Join the conversation, this invitation to love.

Laurel: on Invitation to Love.

Laurel: I know our listeners will be disappointed that we're not prying into Nicole's love life anymore. We have to say a fond farewell to her suitors as she delves into actual relationships with them that are

Daniel: none of our goddamn business. We can say that she has gone on some dates. They have gone well. And now we want to give those relationships time to grow like little seedlings Like a tomato seed.

Daniel: Exactly. Like a tiny tomato seed. So someday it can grow into a great big vine. Big vine. And

Daniel: eventually we'll be comfortable enough where we can actually interview such a plant on the podcast. For now, however, we're going to be turning the camera onto my love life. What a mess

Daniel: And I'm going to be reviewing my field profile We went for for Nicole, we went wholesome with hinge Now we're gonna we're gonna get into a little wild and crazy Although guess where I met Laurel

Laurel: On field. On field. Does it not count as a guess, because I know that, because I am Laurel.

Laurel: What?

Nichole: But I think that, so I guess to like back up for a minute, what is it that you want your profile to do? Yeah. Yeah. Because my, mine was a transition from hookups to relationships.

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: And thus far, I will say, you two have really helped me.

Laurel: Wow.

Nichole: Yay. I'm validating you, honey.

Daniel: Thank you. I'm thirsty for it.

Daniel: Constantly.

Daniel: I think when I did this profile originally, you will see that it covers both of you two a lot.

Daniel: I think this was mid pandemic. You were under the impression that the only way that you were going to end up dating anybody else is if I found us like couples and thirds and, and such. And so there are, the structure of the profile came about then. And now Laurel is in there too, which kind of makes sense.

Daniel: Um, Because we are available for bar mitzvahs and sex parties.

Laurel: Oh my God. Don't say we're available for bar mitzvahs.

Laurel: Just sounds like someone's hiring their child a hooker.

Nichole: Someone's gonna become a man.

Daniel: All right. Um, the photos are also a little outdated because, you know, I've been on one of those uh, uh, weight loss drugs uh, Jumanji. And so now I'm, now I'm all svelte and so I, I can, replace these photos. Um, I would also like to start looking for a boyfriend.

Nichole: Oh, okay.

Daniel: And so if there's anything like specific in here that is like, Oh, that will turn off males.

Laurel: I already know what you can take out. Yeah. I've got an idea. Okay.

Daniel: All the pictures of you two? Oh my god! Wow. All right. Would you like me to read it to you?

Laurel: Do the profile first.

Daniel: The profile first. Okay. Pan, Polly, and plurally partnered. Like a little alliteration to kick things off, check out the Polycules podcast, Polyamateur Hour.

Oh God.

Daniel: Listen, my priority with this for the most part recently has been to get us some viewers and it has worked.

Nichole: Yeah, that's true. It has worked. Yeah,

Daniel: we've got some fans through this. Hello Stuverts. I write stories for joy. I write ads for survival. I sing harmony duets at the piano while the world burns. Just a little bit of optimistic pessimism.

Laurel: That's very literal. No.

Daniel: I'm an impact playful top who also enjoys deeply connective, eye contactful, pseudotontric, soulful hippie sex

Daniel: and dirty talk. Lots of dirty talk. I like it even better with more than two participants. Interested in all genders and junks with a historical preference for femme vibes. I'm five foot five and I'm attracted to both higher and lower altitudes. My partners may also be interested, but I'm not interested if you are only interested in my partners.

Daniel: My nesting partner slash wife. is a warm, playful, Dolly Parton femme organizational thinker who is willing to be the first dancer on the floor. She's pickier than me and has a prettier voice. If you are interested only in her, try to match with her directly, please! She's 5'7 in pinup proportions. My partner girlfriend is a playful, introspective, licentious, pro labor, diminutive Jewish freak with an unusual interest in bats.

Daniel: She almost certainly wants to watch me fuck you, or to have you watch us, at the very least. is the new French kiss. She's 5'4 and aerodynamic.

Nichole: Alright, so you are Yes,

Daniel: and probably more open to, as you are additional romantic partnerships than perhaps this horny ass profile would imply. Yeah

Nichole: so you do have a lot about Laurel and I in there.

Laurel: Yeah. And as much as I love both of those descriptions, I think you should get rid of them.

Daniel: You mean I shouldn't even just give 'em a haircut and make 'em like a haiku each?

Laurel: I don't think so. Like,

Daniel: all

Laurel: yeah.

Daniel: You're gone.

Laurel: Erased from my life.

Daniel: Now here's the thing. When I wrote those, Constellation partnerships were not a thing on a field. The field finally got with the times and now allows the multiplicity of connections. So I am connected with both of you on field. So if somebody wants to check out your Dolly Parton proportions or your Interest?

Daniel: Nowhere to be seen on my

Laurel: profile, but they can find out. It's the vibe. Yeah. I do give off a baddie vibe.

Daniel: They can just go and do that themselves, right?

Laurel: Yeah, exactly.

Daniel: All right. So get rid of both of those. Any other thoughts?

Laurel: I would take out the part that says you're historically attracted to femme.

Laurel: I just feel like, that's like when I see a profile of, for a woman, and it's that suggests they might be interested in women, but they more so are attracted to men or go after men. I just, I will not. I don't click it. I don't gauge on it.

Daniel: Would it be better if I was like specific about fem boys?

Daniel: If I like took a moment. You could do,

Laurel: You could do that, but I feel like you're closing yourself off to opportunities. Cause even if historically, yeah, you found yourself like interested in fem boys, just like let them swipe right on you and you're going to match with the ones you're attracted to.

Daniel: Bring on the bears,

Laurel: bring on the bears. You never know.

Nichole: You never know.

Laurel: I think that's my problem with ever like trying to like define my type or attraction like I ended up making connections with people of all varieties. And that's,

Nichole: One of the new guys I'm dating sent me a text the other day that was like, by the way, I shaved my head just in case that's.

Nichole: It's over basically, like just in case you find that unattractive or something. And I took a minute to think about it and I was like, okay, so my current and recent partners have been like full heads of hair. Straight up bald, very long hair, very long, curly, voluminous, shaved heads,

Daniel: translucent skull,

Nichole: just all manner of hair lengths and types.

Nichole: I think Daniel that you're practiced in like being attracted to different types of people as evidenced by Laurel and I.

Nichole: But also while we were in Vegas, we did decide that you have a type that is neither of us.

Daniel: That is

Nichole: true.

Daniel: And it's not particularly femme. Yeah. Yeah.

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: That's true. Is it a type or just a pattern? Is it a trap that I continually fall into?

Nichole: Hmm. Good question.

Daniel: Cause it never works out. So this, this pattern that I've gotten into is um, like non binary queer AFAB people with pixie cuts or shaved heads.

Daniel: Who are curvy.

Laurel: Yeah. It's time to bust out of your shell. Bring on the bears. The bare necessities

Daniel: Bear Necessities . Should I lead it as much with sex as I do? There's a lot of sex in here. No,

Laurel: less sex. I mean, If you want a boyfriend, not a, yeah,

Nichole: not a, if you want a boy.

Nichole: I don't even know that field is really the place to find that. But you can try.

Daniel: Is this pre prescription gonna be like, jump ship, switch tracks to grinder.

Laurel: No, I don't. Grinder is not the place either.

Daniel: Okay.

Daniel: The park.

Laurel: Yeah. The bathroom in the park. Um, No, I think, I think you can try on field, but yeah, I do think see how it goes.

Laurel: Yeah. See how it goes. But yeah, something like hinge might

Daniel: be,

Nichole: yeah, it was not successful for me.

Daniel: Yeah. Shall we do the photos? And as I said, , I've been shrinking since I've been on Jumanji. And Exactly. Weirdly, it's just that I'm, Shrinking overall in You've lost three inches.

Daniel: Exactly. But I've gained three inches where it counts.

Laurel: Wink.

Daniel: So these photos, maybe I replaced them, but some of them are still cute. Maybe you give me advice for what kind of photos to do. Here's photo number one.

Nichole: So To explain the photo, it is Daniel standing in front of a , gold backdrop, um, hands over his heart, wearing his disco yarmulke that we trot out every Hanukkah.

Nichole: This next one is a photo from our wedding.

Daniel: Yes it is.

Nichole: That is just of Daniel sipping a cocktail in front of a mid century painting. Because we got married in a mid century house.

Daniel: And, I feel like I look very fancy man. Like this is like, Oh, I just saw that man At a gallery.

Laurel: Yeah. It looks like you're at a gallery opening for abstract art.

Daniel: And I've just noticed you from across the room.

Laurel: Yeah, that's

Nichole: a good one. I feel

Laurel: like I do like that picture

Daniel: a lot. All right. Number three.

Nichole: Oh boy. All right. This is from a photo shoot. We did a sexy photo shoot.

Daniel: Are my

Nichole: tits in there?

Daniel: Um,

Nichole: Or you

Daniel: not exactly.

Daniel: They're obscured,

Nichole: kind of

Daniel: field would've, Field would've uh, flagged them if they shut down, you know? yeah. Just trust the algorithm. It, the tit detector the, the nipple alarm.

Daniel: so, yeah. So what are we seeing here?

Laurel: Oh, we're seeing it is me, Nicole, and Daniel sitting on the edge of a bed together.

Laurel: I'm in like a very strappy, sexy thing, Nicole is in a very lace, black, lacy, sexy thing, Daniel is in a sexy, dapper boy suit. And we each have, A hand on the other's knee, And because this was taken

Daniel: with Laurel's ex

Laurel: There's one, there's an extra hand on my knee Oh my god There is a phantom hand Oh my god

Daniel: So it's us three, and then the cold hand of And

Laurel: I think it's that cold hand of heartbreak that really just makes that image not appropriate for your profile.

Laurel: Here's the thing about that photo is I think it's way too intimidating.

Daniel: Interesting.

Laurel: Ages ago when I was helping my ex husband redo his profile I had taken this really nice photograph of him like, in bed, so he's like Surrounded by like white sheets and stuff But bare chest and he's he has like really beautiful blue eyes it's like a great picture and he looks really hot in it but he set that as his first picture and I was like, no, you got to bury that one.

Laurel: It's too intimidating. And I had him change it and he got way more hits after that.

Daniel: Yeah. So this is a photo of Daniel uh, at a steak

Nichole: restaurant, eating a steak, but he's licking the knife that comes with the steak. the steak dinner.

Daniel: And I've got an incredibly gay mustache.

Laurel: Yeah, you got a really gay mustache. Your hair is also like particularly slicked that night, I feel like.

Daniel: Yes.

Nichole: So we keep that one.

Nichole: Yes.

Laurel: Alright, that's it. That's it? That's it. Do you have any potential new photos?

Laurel: .

Laurel: Sorry, Nicole. Nicole like, let's wrap this shit up.

Daniel: You know, I don't Really think I do. Okay. So I think that this is a good mission. This is my homework.

Laurel: Yes.

Daniel: Ooh, it

Laurel: is

Daniel: to

Laurel: get

Daniel: some good news. Is to get some good new pictures. Okay, We're going to go out on dates, fancy dates like we do. I will dress in my fancy man suits. And we'll

Nichole: take photos of you. And you will take photos of me. Yeah.

Laurel: Yeah. Sounds great.

Daniel: Thank you very much. I feel like I finally have a sense of direction in life.

Good. Is

Laurel: that

Song: This has been Polyamateur Hour, a production of Risa Records. If you have a question for Ask the Amateurs, or a recommendation for Is This Poly, please email us at polyamateurhour at gmail dot com. If you enjoyed the show, and you know you did, you perv, please subscribe to us on your podcatcher of choice, leave us a five star review, and most importantly, tell at least one person in your life to check us out.

Song: But we hope you tell three. Remember, the advice given by the amateurs should not be followed, unless you are prepared to be ecstatically happy, successful, and strange. Until next time!