Laurel: I could be the metronome,

Laurel: and that Janelle Monae song.

Nichole: Which one?

Laurel: Oh, there's one that's just there's just a lot of tongue clicking in it I think it's the one I really like it. It's oh we should do an is this poly for It's like the bisexual anthem you make me feel I think is the title of it.

Daniel: I mean once we start Like double dipping in the Janelle Monáe well, we could just spend the rest of our lives there.

Nichole: This could just become a Janelle Monáe podcast. That is its final

Laurel: evolutionary form.

song: Talkin bout love and sex and power, All our polyamateur hour.

Daniel: Today's gonna be a little bit of an experiment because we've fed Laurel a bunch of cold medication, like the hard stuff, like the old school Sudafed.

Laurel: Yeah, I don't know if you've ever had to sign Sudafed out of the pharmacy before, mostly if you live in Oregon, and then if you don't want to deal with that shit because you've bought too much Sudafed recently, you got to go up to Washington.

Daniel: I mean, I just, I like to go get my Sudafed in Washington. I feel like it's the good stuff, and it makes me feel edgy.

Laurel: Yeah. Well, I, I had my worst night of sleep last night since being sick. Oh, no. Because I was just up coughing. But I feel a lot better in general. My head still feels like a balloon.

Nichole: Head feeling like a balloon is the Sudafed commercials from the 90s. Do you remember? They were animated. I, I'm remembering that now. Get Sudafed, not Medicine Head.

Nichole: And it was like, Medicine Head was personified with a dude whose head turned into a balloon and then his head floated away.

Clip: I'll take some medicine. Feeling better? Not quite. Now I've got that groggy disconnected feeling. Medicine head. You should have taken Sudafed Sinus.

Daniel: Honestly, that's how I feel when I take Sudafed.

Daniel: That your head

Laurel: floats away or you're watching somebody else's head float away.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: Or

Nichole: that you're back in the 90s.

Laurel: Ooh, so many options.

Daniel: My pants get really huge all of a sudden. I have one earring.

Laurel: Oh, where did I go where I saw a kid in JNCO jeans? Oh, I think it was emo night.

Nichole: That makes sense, but they are out in the wild.

Laurel: They are out in the wild. It was like an actual youth. So it's really fun to like go to something that is like nostalgic for you and see like youth participating in it like Because I imagine that's how my mom looked at me when I like listened to the clash and wore my You know homemade torn up tank tops and shit.

Laurel: I'm sure she was like, I

Nichole: am really fascinated with Gen Z's fascination with the 90s and the mid aughts, what they call indie sleaze, quote unquote. I don't

Daniel: know how to feel about that.

Nichole: So it's, it's the time period when none of us had jobs. And we're all just like running around drinking cheap beer and wearing, um, those plastic sunglasses that had the plastic, like you couldn't, yeah, the plastic lines.

Nichole: And so they weren't actually sunglasses and you couldn't really see out of them. And all of the photos from that era are just people like on the floor. Like, there are just like, so many of us just laying down. In the street, in random apartments. What were we doing? I don't know. We were always just like piling on each other.

Nichole: We were always just reenacting an American apparel ad. Yes, that's exactly, it's that aesthetic. Yes.

Daniel: Well, I also remember from that era being occasionally so stoned that I needed to lie down, which is a whole different kind of stone. And you just like do it like you're going to a laser light show, get stoned alone.

Daniel: Lie down on the carpet, stare at the ceiling and watch the patterns. Watch the spackle unfold.

Nichole: This is really not this aesthetic. Like that, like that sounds like the opposite of what

Laurel: Indie Sleaze was. Yeah, that was, yeah, that was more like grunge.

Daniel: I had a completely different, nineties experience than either of you had.

Daniel: Um, But, It's signified by the type of large pants that I had. While all of you had JNCOs, I had hammer pants.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Daniel: You can tell a lot by somebody's oversized pants.

Laurel: We should do like a quiz. Somebody figure out how to make a quiz on our website. And I'll tell you.

Laurel: Oversized pants say about you. Or maybe it'll categorize you into the oversized pants that you are. Like that's your personality type.

Daniel: But you just enter your date of birth.

Laurel: Because

Daniel: the 80s was cargo pants.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: Seventies is bell bottoms. Yeah. Yeah. And then all of a sudden the fucking aughts come along and they're like, you have to have pants so skinny that they're going to cut off your fucking circulation.

Nichole: That's so weird because it seems like it just got bigger and then the aughts hit and they're like,

Daniel: That's the kind of shit that makes your head swell up.

Nichole: Welcome to polyamateur hour. I'm Laurel.

Daniel: I'm Daniel.

Nichole: I'm Nicole.

Daniel: I sang that to the tune of My Buddy.

Nichole: Also a reference that we're too young for.

Daniel: Am I gonna have to sing the whole thing?

Nichole: Yes.

Daniel: It was a doll that was marketed for boys. And I guess in that way it was revolutionary.

Daniel: It was like a kind of a big doll and he looked like average American white kid with baseball cap. And the song was like um, my buddy, my buddy. Now wait, that's good morning. Hahahahahahaha!

Laurel: Hahahahahahahahaha! Did they just rip it off?

Daniel: It was similar, my buddy and me. It ended like that. I do

Laurel: vaguely remember this.

Laurel: Very vaguely. This I had an older brother though. I still have. He's still older than you. He's still, yeah.

Daniel: And once in a while he would just, he would sit you down, take out the vinyl, put the record and like, you got to listen to this. This is real music. This is the early stuff.

Clip: Buddy, My Buddy, My Buddy, My Buddy,

Laurel: Yeah, Yeah, exactly. Good.

Daniel: What? Segment are we doing first today? What's up first? What's up doc?

Oh

Daniel: lord.

Daniel: I think we're gonna start with invitation. I

song: Come inside, and take your shoes off. Have some pie, and shake your blues off. Join the conversation, this invitation to love.

Daniel: The segment where Nicole's husband and girlfriend fix her love life

Nichole: Nicole's husband and his girlfriend

Daniel: Yes, I mean isn't laurel the world's girlfriend

Laurel: Oh according to my uncle. Yes

Nichole: The world's girlfriend , I like that better than the town bicycle. You're the world's girlfriend.

Daniel: Do you feel empowered?

Nichole: Do I feel

Laurel: empowered? I feel like I'm doing a lot more emotional labor than that bicycle.

Laurel: You are. That is true. Yeah, I probably am.

Daniel: So last, time on invitation to love, we looked at Nicole's favorite dating profile, her hinge profile, and gave notes this week, we're going to look at a few suitors on her. A few suitors in her inbox or in her match bin. I don't know. Match bin.

Daniel: And hopefully we will choose a date for Nicole by the end of this segment.

Laurel: Can we have America vote?

Daniel: America, decide. Yes. Nicole's love life. I mean, I mean, After the last big decision that America made. I don't know if I'm gonna trust him.

Laurel: I feel like we could potentially get better voter turnout for Nicole's love life than for the general election.

Yeah.

Nichole: Yeah. People are really invested.

Laurel: I'm just saying they have more of a chance of affecting that.

Laurel: They don't, people feel disempowered by politics, but they feel like they could really make a difference. There's no electoral college here. They could

Nichole: really make a difference, like I'm such a charity case like, I'm outside of a grocery store with a fucking bell in a bucket going, Help me!

Daniel: No, no, No, you're just like a, you're just like a neighborhood that has some unimproved roadways, and we need to invest in infrastructure.

Nichole: Thanks.

Nichole: Alright. Okay so, I've pulled up a few profiles for you two to look at of possible suitors.

Nichole: So this is profile number one.

Daniel: Suta number one. Okay, I've got a few thoughts on the photo. Oh, wow. One. What's he growing there?

Nichole: I think it's vegetables. It does

Daniel: look like vegetables.

Daniel: Yeah, it looks like little tomatoes or something. A

Laurel: little tomato. Okay, that's what we're gonna call this suitor. Little tomato.

Daniel: Little tomatoes. So we've got. A gentleman with a tight cut beard,

Daniel: Got like some overall straps. He's a farmer. He's a farmer. Yeah, he's got like a little farmer suit. And a big, sunny, joyous smile.

Laurel: Yeah, smile's good. Okay, I'm gonna start reading stuff, okay?

Okay.

Laurel: My love language is. My love language is definitely acts of service with a big dash of quality time.

Laurel: I've got that golden retriever energy, always eager to please and up for an adventure. Cooking and plants are my thang. Checks out, little tomatoes.

Daniel: I like that he's not in my niche. This is definitely not in the neboshi Jew category.

Laurel: No, but it sounds like fun. . Ohhhh. Sold. Picture with a baby goat. Sold. Sold. I once provided Daniel with a profile picture with a baby goat.

Laurel: You did! Yeah. That's true. I forgot about that. You're welcome. Adorable. Animal lover. Also looks like he could fix shit. Love it.

Daniel: The problem with having the baby goat in my profile was people would ask, is that your baby goat? And then I'd have to be like, no. And they'd be like, swipe left.

Laurel: I don't usually assume, I don't usually assume that the goats belong to the people unless they're like, clearly live on a farm or something.

Laurel: And

Daniel: I

Laurel: also don't presume that the goat is going to be a baby forever because that's animal abuse.

Daniel: Like a, like a bonsai goat?

Laurel: This year I really want to My goal is to launch my charity and make a real difference in my community. I'm looking for someone who shares my passion for helping others and making the world a better place.

Laurel: That's something Nicole is passionate about. Oh my god. He's getting his armpit tattooed in the next picture though, but looks chill about it so This means that he can take a lot of pain so you can just step all over this guy's heart Crush it to shreds and he can handle it

Daniel: nicole has been mysteriously silent since we started going through this profile.

Nichole: I'm just thinking about all the identifying oh, how this person will know we're talking about them? Yeah, that I'm going to cut out later.

Daniel: But it's all been flattering. If they can't take a polyamateur hour joke fest, then, , that's the biggest red flag.

Laurel: So just send this episode. Don't say hi. Just send this episode.

Laurel: This person seems um, warm and charming and fun.

Daniel: And giant. He's 6'4

Laurel: Oh, really? Oh, really? Oh, cool.

Daniel: Unless, I

Laurel: just like the idea of My new roomie and I were talking about how He's too like he almost hit his head on the ceiling over my staircase And he's does anybody ever hit their head on this and I was like, yeah But it's been a while because I don't hang out with tall people And he's like that's true.

Laurel: Like all of your lovers are pretty like average to like below average height and I was like, yeah You have to be like you must be tall enough This short to ride the ride.

Daniel: Okay,

Daniel: he seems like a really sweet guy. He's got really kind eyes.

Daniel: mean, Some people when they say they have golden retriever energy, it's hard to actually believe it because they've got like a, a weird um, bent shadow self in their eyes. But this guy genuinely seems filled with joy. , I think that he's somebody who gardens and fixes stuff and does all the things that um, you know, everybody needs at least one traditional dude in their life

Daniel: to,

Laurel: One, one traditional dude, or one hard dyke. Yeah.

Laurel: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Daniel: Well, I mean, that's depending on whether you think dude is necessarily a gendered term. Fair,

Laurel: fair. I was also having this conversation this morning.

Nichole: I tell you why I wanted him to Be one of the profiles that you saw today. Yeah. Okay, so he answered my question.

Nichole: What does polyamory mean to you?

Nichole: He mentions in his response that he's reading Pollywise, and he's working on his attachment style, and I was like, oh fuck, so am I. So I just that really said something to me, that he was willing to be vulnerable as far as this is the exact work that I'm doing right now. Yes. And I am sharing that with you.

Nichole: And

Laurel: this is a new, this is a new thing that I've started looking for, based on some recent past research. relationship failures is when people talk about their past relationships. I look for where and if they're taking accountability for what happened in them. And doing something like working on your attachment style says yes, I am taking some accountability for how I show up in the world.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: And it's nice when I feel like it's a natural chemistry miracle when you connect with somebody and they are just into the same thing that you're into right now at the moment. Yeah,

Laurel: totally.

Nichole: Can we go on to the next profile? Yes. Yes.

Laurel: Okay.

Laurel: We got a rock climber, climbing a rock. All right. You want to

Daniel: look? Look. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. First picture, rock climber, high up.

Laurel: Yeah, athletic. My Simple Pleasures, being curious about all sorts of things. Archaeology, space, guitars, how do tape decks work?

Laurel: Shruggy emoji. Very active in rock climbing and happiness. In an E& M relationship. Nice.

Daniel: Lots of action shots. We've got mountain climbing, guitar playing. I'm pretty

Laurel: sure this one is inside of a jump castle.

Daniel: So that's his third habit, that's his third hobby so it's mountain climbing, guitar, jump castle. Yeah.

Laurel: If loving this is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Laurel: Throwing out an excuse to go home and watch 90 Day Fiancé. This might be the one. This might be the one. Ooh, hot surfer shot.

Daniel: Looks like he's building a sandcastle and then he just cropped that out of the picture because,

Laurel: that would be sweet. I would leave that in.

Daniel: I'm a grown man. I think

Laurel: he's like laying out, he's laying out like a good picnic area for you. His hot date.

Daniel: Nice.

Laurel: My greatest strength, not freaking out under pressure. Ooh, also a good compliment.

Daniel: Maybe she could be the chaos Muppet.

Laurel: Yeah,

Laurel: I love just this picture that I am presuming is in a gem castle, which is probably definitely not It looks like it's actually on a boat or something Oh my god, it's definitely not a yacht.

Laurel: Excuse me But he looks very like pensive and thoughtful.

Daniel: It's a jump castle on a boat.

Laurel: Oh fuck, this guy must be fucking rich. .

Daniel: Um, There's not a lot of text in this one, huh? No,

Laurel: I was just looking at their stats says non-monogamy. I'm partnered in an e and m relationship. We date solo and together.

Daniel: Alright. Pros, hot, looks hot funny, and smart, is interested in nerdy things, archaeology, space, guitars, and how do tape decks work, which may be a self conscious insane clown posse joke. Magnets. How do they work?

Nichole: God. I feel like if it was an Insane Clown Posse joke, he would just say, magnets.

Nichole: How do they

Daniel: work? He's adapting it to his own interests. Cause he doesn't really care about magnets. But

Nichole: it's such a deep cut that like, He's looking for the person who can uncover. Needle into that, in that one.

Laurel: Did this one have a pull for you?

Nichole: Honestly,

Nichole: what's the question of how tape decks work? I was like, instead of Googling, I'm just going to ask him how do tape decks work? Yes. And I, Did he answer?

Daniel: I don't think that he's found out . It's a life journey,

Nichole: he says. All I can find is they work with magnets,

Daniel: It's a slow burn joke.

Nichole: And magnets are made out of sand. It's such a mystery. I'd love to unravel with someone and I said, magnets are made of sand. Glass is made of sand. Windows are made of glass. Eyes are said to be the windows of the soul. So souls are magnets, right? Nice.

Laurel: Clearly Nicole is the one we want to date in this

Daniel: scenario.

Daniel: Okay, only real concern with this guy is that he is pretty clear multiple times about saying E& M. relationship as opposed to polyamory. So there is the question of if you're looking for this more kitchen table, more emotionally invested relationship, is he actually open to that? Only one way to find out.

Daniel: Ask him. All right. Number three.

Nichole: Nickname for the last guy?

Laurel: Surfer bod. So this is the third

Nichole: profile

Laurel: Cheers. It's Ryan Gosling.

Laurel: Wow. I didn't know. I didn't know Ryan was on Hinge.

Daniel: He looks like a very average, clean cut Joe,

Daniel: attractive in a very in a very white, goy ish kind of way.

Those blue eyes, those baby

Daniel: blues. And the first headline is, I'm a first responder who can save your life. Oh, fuck. Yeah With his sweet

Laurel: love. This is my codependency alarms are going off like baby. Come for me

Daniel: I don't think he's gonna save your life by doing that coming for me

All right

Daniel: boost my ego oh sport nicole is really in a sport phase, like all three of these guys have had outdoorsy energy in various ways.

Nichole: I don't know if I'm in a sports phase as much as that is what people put in their profiles. Like it's very, it's it is a high volume of men on mountains. Yeah. Yeah. That is what going on a dating app is,

Laurel: this is true. Can confirm.

Daniel: And last question, all I ask is that you are kind, funny, love people and the planet, are into ENM slash poly, and like peanut butter.

Laurel: All right person is attractive and very straightforward.

Laurel: I would have a hard time knowing what to say to this person because they don't give you anything. To work off of.

Daniel: Oh yeah. This kind of links back to your prime request for Nicole's profile was like, just put more things that are app pursues for people to

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: Interact with.

Laurel: Yeah. Yeah.

Laurel: Throw, throw bone out.

Nichole: So you wanna hear why I, yeah.

Daniel: Yes,

Nichole: okay,

Daniel: explain yourself.

Nichole: So he also answered my question. What does polyamory mean to you? Yeah And he said love isn't a zero sum game In fact, the more you give the more you get and the more there is Life is short love a lot allowed different connections to find their own path and not be confined to one end I

Laurel: like that answer.

Nichole: So I, I actually really liked that answer.

Yeah.

Nichole: Because I like the, maybe it's, just that I like the idea of the more you give, the more you get.

Nichole: But there's also, a principle in 12 step where it's like, you have to give it away in order to keep it.

Nichole: So it's being of service. No one else has, Answered that question like that.

Nichole: Every not everyone but a lot of people are like, yeah polyamory means that you're not tied down and polyamory Like

Laurel: cool Cool.

Laurel: Cool.

Nichole: Yeah, just you know Men acting like women are here to trap them, and so what I liked about this an answer was that it was more transparent Expansive.

Daniel: It was love centered.

Nichole: It was love centered. It was, vulnerability forward. I just I liked it. I appreciated it.

Daniel: So pros for me, hot seems sweet and genuinely open and expansive in his approach, compatibility stuff. Maybe what you need is the the warm openness. And the mountaineering.

Laurel: Yeah, it would be different.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: Climb these mountains baby.

Daniel: My snowy peaks.

Laurel: Climb my snowy peaks. I didn't come up with a nickname. Oh, Ryan Gosling, that's right. Climb these snowy peaks, Ryan.



Daniel: So in summary, in the running today we have Tiny Tomatoes, surfer bod

Laurel: and Ryan Gosling.

Laurel: Young. Ryan Gosling Notebook. Ryan Gosling.

Daniel: Oh, . All right. I just got the best vibes from Tiny Tomatoes. Yeah.

Daniel: I just liked his energy the best.

Daniel: I just thought that he seemed like probably the most. Solid dude of the three.

Daniel: All right, Nicole. All right. I mean, Tiny Tomatoes.

Daniel: Tiny Tomatoes for the win! Tiny Tomatoes! Tiny Tomatoes! Tiny Tomatoes!

Nichole: so let's say the date goes well. We go on several dates. I bring him home to meet you too. And it starts with Daniel on the piano, Laurel has a tiny tomato cherry tomato plant, and you're singing tiny tomatoes, and Laurel is dancing with the tiny tomatoes, and

Laurel: he goes, what the fuck?

Laurel: And he's like, I gotta go.

Daniel: Any time that Laurel's dancing, she's dancing with her tiny tomatoes.

Laurel: Now, Now the whole scene has changed. I'm just, I'm wearing only body paint.

Laurel: Oh my God. My boobs are painted as tiny tomatoes.

Daniel: All right. I have a proposition for episode three.

Okay. Yeah.

Daniel: If you go on a date with him. And the date goes really well. Tell him all about this. And we bring him on for a guest segment. Oh my god.

Laurel: Nicole looks horrified. What? No. Like, No. Yes! Tiny tomato,

Tiny

Laurel: tomato.

Laurel: Nicole has just like seen our true colors. It's horrifying. Oh my God. I think she's weeping. Okay. We'll revisit that. He seems like the kind of guy who'd be flattered. Maybe. All

Nichole: right, shall we go on to the next segment? Move it along. What are

Daniel: you upset about?

Nichole: About what? She's not

Laurel: actually upset. About invitation

Daniel: to love?

Laurel: No. No. Okay. No, she's horrified by us. There's a difference. We're here for Ask the Amateurs.

If you got questions, don't demur, it's time to ask the amateurs.

Laurel: Okay. We have an anonymous question from an anonymous stubert out in the world. It says, what do I do about someone that I'm attracted to, but don't seem to have physical chemistry with? We tried dating, deescalated to friends, but I find myself wanting more.

Laurel: And I'm pretty sure they do too, except that physical intimacy was underwhelming for me before. Also, don't want to yank them around with my confusion. Amazing person. Should I just suck it up and stop wondering what if?

Nichole: Interesting.

Daniel: Yeah. I think, first of all, I want to know what suck it up means. Are you sucking it up where you are, like, Deciding not to be in a relationship or sucking it up and deciding to be in a relationship with this person, or is it some kind of sexual thing that Nicole is gonna roll her eyes if I, if I mention it?

Laurel: I took it as, should I just suck it up and just go on with my life? Should I just not say anything and just get over it?

Daniel: You ask this crew, right? And the first thing that we're going to say is, You don't gotta bang him to be in a relationship with him.

Yeah.

Daniel: Yeah. Laurel, you are the resident expert of semi platonic romantic relationships. Dish. Dish.

Laurel: Yeah. That's it. You've said it. Yeah. It does definitely depend on, who you're with.

Laurel: I think different people have different metrics for what they consider partnerships or like, romantic relationships. But that's always been like, a very undefined line for me. Of like what the difference between a friendship is and a romantic relationship and like the level of sex necessary to be involved in like a romantic relationship with somebody.

Laurel: And I don't think, for me personally, like I don't need to have sex with somebody to feel romantically inclined toward them or to feel like a deep connection with them.

Nichole: Did you find that happened naturally for you because I feel like and obviously like I'm trying to change the trajectory of a lot of my relationships, but If I wasn't sexually attracted to a person I couldn't bring myself to be in a romantic relationship with them

Laurel: Some of it was more like sex kind of like phased out as part of the relationship some of it is more like sex never phased into the relationship like having a Long standing close friendship with somebody and I think that's where a lot of people like start talking about queer platonic relationships often

Daniel: have you ever started a

Laurel: relationship without any sex in it?

Daniel: Yeah, because the ones that I know of that you've had Yeah,

Laurel: oh it had some level of sex but not yeah but it's also like a weird thing where it's I don't tell on myself where it's like, Oh, like I have friendships where like, I, I would look at that person. I don't include them in my like polycule map, but I'm like, that person is a partner. In a broader sense of things.

Laurel: Cause I feel very committed to that relationship. Like I'm willing to prioritize that person and I'll go through great lengths to like help them out when they need it. But I do think I think that's also part of the, the way that the cis hetero monosphere like projects itself onto me it's really easy to recognize relationships when they are in the standard form of we're attracted, we're sexually attracted to each other. And then we can name that as. An obvious relationship, like capital R relationship because it follows all of the paradigms that were expected to and like the Disney model or whatever.

Laurel: Looking beyond that requires looking at all of my relationships, outside of that paradigm and understanding them a little bit differently.

Daniel: Nicole, what are your thoughts on this?

Nichole: I would investigate a couple of things. If I were this person, one, I would ask my potential partner how they feel about sex. How did they feel that like, not so much like give me a ranking of how we fucked, but you know, How was the sex for them?

Nichole: It's a tough conversation to have. But I think checking in on like how did you feel about our physical intimacy? Cause I, I'm also curious was the de escalation to friends because they were both not feeling the physical intimacy? Like we don't know why they de escalated.

Nichole: Yeah. So I would investigate that a little bit further. I would also really have to ask myself how important it is. Because we know that it's possible to have a romantic relationship without sex. There are people who do it all the time.

Nichole: And it does not devalue those relationships at all. But if sex is something that is just, you have to have it with your romantic partners and it has to be good. then that's something that you that's something you have to come to terms with yourself and maybe this person isn't necessarily the person for you.

Daniel: I'm really glad that you brought around the focus to this other person that the stubert is writing in about. Their stubert. The stubert once removed. In that we don't know whether the writing stubert wants to be removed.

Daniel: In a relationship without sex, a romantic relationship without sex. But we don't know whether the stupid once removed is down to do that as well. The first thing that you have to figure out is is whether that's something you want.

Daniel: The second thing that you have to figure out is whether that's something that they would be open to. And I think that you're in the enviable position of being Polly, we assume. So neither of you need to get all of your needs met from this one relationship. Granted, Sometimes jealousy can come up with people who like if this person is begrudgingly agreeing to a non sexual relationship, there might be some stuff that comes up, so you really want to make sure that you have full throated participation.

Daniel: Not deep not to be confused with deep throated. Participation.

Laurel: Yeah. I mean, This is where you get to bring in your old, that ye old relationship smorgasbord it's filled with tiny sandwiches and you get to choose what sandwiches your relationship eats.

Daniel: Now I get most of my needs met by tiny sandwiches.

Laurel: Who doesn't? God, it's so good. It's so good. I want more tea parties so there's more tiny sandwiches in my life.

Laurel: Done. Done. Thank you. A thousand percent.

Nichole: I

Laurel: would, yes. Oh, I'm really excited about

Nichole: this now. Yes! Alright.

Laurel: Woo! Glad we cleared that up. Fuck this question. This is all I wanted out of this. No, I'm so excited.

Nichole: I'm already thinking about the invitation. Okay.

Daniel: Now, Nicole was kind of just a real even keeled about all the guys that we were looking at for a date.

Daniel: But once we start talking about little crustless sandwiches,

Nichole: All in baby, all in. Just thinking about the little petty fours I could make. Yeah. So I think that this question asker has some thinking to do, has some exploration to do. I think it's also fair to, I think it's really necessary to have a conversation with your partner.

Laurel: Yeah, definitely. I don't know how you could not. Yeah. Yeah, it's also like, they made the comment about not wanting to sort of jerk this person around. Which makes me wonder about what happened in the de escalation. And it's it's easy to look at from the point of view of like, yeah like, , you have the option to like, be fluid and like, sort of play it by ear and see what does and doesn't work for you.

Laurel: But it's also like, well, if this has been a more like, tumultuous up and down, or more emotionally fraught escalation and de escalation, then yeah, maybe it does feel like you're being, jerked around by somebody who's unclear about their feelings for you.

Daniel: And it's scared to hurt your feelings.

Daniel: If you're self censoring a lot and not really sharing how you feel about what's going on, not only do you stand a better chance of jerking them around. But you also cut off the possibility of improving the sex if you decide that you want to continue to have sex

Nichole: Yeah.

Laurel: I'm curious about like, I'm curious about like the sexual chemistry aspect of it.

Laurel: Yeah. Because there is definitely like, I get the idea of Yeah, you're feeling good, you meet someone, you hit it off things just like flow and feel easy. Um, But also sometimes it's just like awkward.

Laurel: Okay, so this also

Nichole: happened on Sex and the City. Um. There's an entire plot line where Carrie meets a guy and they're like, witty banter, bing bang boom, buh.

Nichole: And she really likes him and then they go back to her apartment to have sex. And while they're having sex, he's like stone cold quiet. And so is she. And so to the point where she hears a bus outside dropping off people and letting people on and it driving away.

Daniel: And these are not just sound effects to illustrate the sex.

Daniel: So no hydraulics

Nichole: No, it's to illustrate that like the sex the sexual chemistry did not match the Electricity that was in

Laurel: their conversations or whatever. Yeah. Yeah.

Daniel: Okay Stuber you gotta write back in and give us a few more details and we will do a sequel if you do

Laurel: Oh, yeah.

Daniel: Yeah, what we need to know is What suck it up means, whether it's being in a relationship with this person or not being in a relationship with this person.

Daniel: And we need to know how many times you have banged them.

Nichole: God, do not, do not do, you do not have to answer the question.

Daniel: Come on, I think it's pertinent if they just had sex once, And it was awkward and unsatisfying. That's not enough of a sample size. That was my

Nichole: point, actually.

Daniel: Thank you for bringing

Nichole: it up.

Daniel: Oh, so now it's not so horrific after all.

Nichole: So no. I wanted to say that sex at the beginning can be awkward,

right?

Nichole: Like it, it, the volume doesn't necessarily matter, but as you are learning to know a person and also know yourself with that person, it can be fucking awkward. That's just what it is.

Nichole: So it, this could be. A time that was just awkward for both of you.

Laurel: Yeah. And do you have the tools or capacity to talk about that and change it and make it less awkward?

Daniel: And the third thing that we'd like to know, if you would like your free sequel segment of Ask the Amateurs, is what is your Stubert Once Removed, what is their position? What did they want out of it, and what is the history of that relationship as far as how how crackly has the escalation and de escalation been?

Laurel: I guess

Daniel: they did say

Laurel: parenthetically that they suspected. Stubert once removed is interested in trying again

Daniel: I want to do some kind of Polly version of the Yoda quote there is no suspect only know

Daniel: don't just receive signals

Nichole: don't try to decode messages Ask directly.

Laurel: Yeah

Daniel: All right. If you would like to have a question answered on Ask the Amateurs, you can write in anonymously at our website, polyamateurhour. com, or you can email us at polyamateurhour at gmail. com. Yeah.

Laurel: Yeah. You can also just send us nice little notes because we've gotten some of those and I love it.

Laurel: Thank you, Max.

Daniel: Thank you, Max. And

Laurel: hey,

Daniel: Max I hope you don't mind that we're naming you. We'll censor over um, with the, with the word stubert if you decide that you don't want to be named on the podcast.

Daniel: Oh, and Max, you're welcome. You've gotten your wish of having more Nicole songs in the podcast.

Laurel: Yeah. You can write in requests for us to just do random shit on the podcast and we will apparently do it.

Daniel: Dance Polly monkey.

Laurel: Yep.

Daniel: All right. What's up next? Is this Polly? Is this Polly?

song: Is this Polly or not?

Daniel: And today we're doing one of our famous musical triptychs for Is This Polly? Where we're going to look at three different songs that have some Polly elements, accoutrement, and decide, is this Polly? I rounded up the tunes for today. So the first one we're going to start with is a boomer classic.

Daniel: Cactus Tree by Joni Mitchell.

Clip: She has brought them to her senses They have laughed inside her laughter Now she rallies her defense She,

Daniel: It may be beautiful, but Is

Laurel: it

Daniel: Polly? Is it hippie? Is it hippie? Hell yeah.

Nichole: I was kinda waiting for the Polly part Because It took me a minute to figure out that she was describing all these men , who are attracted to this one woman who is busy being free Polly. I think the most poly of lyrics in this is There's a lady in the city and she thinks she loves them all.

Nichole: There's the one who's thinking of her. There's the one that sometimes calls. There's the one who writes her letters with his facts and figures scrawl. She has brought them to her senses. They have laughed inside her laughter. Now she rallies her defenses for fears that one will ask her for eternity. And she's so busy being free.

Nichole: So it's maybe I take that back. I don't know that it's Polly necessarily. In that she fears commitment to any of them,

Daniel: I think it's very specifically,

Nichole: perhaps.

Daniel: Proto solo Polly.

Nichole: Oh, interesting.

Daniel: Like she doesn't really get in relationships with anyone.

Daniel: She is an independent agent, but she is guess you can be in relationships if you're solo Polly. Yeah. But you come first.

Laurel: You're like your own primary partner.

Daniel: Especially if you're traipsing around Joshua tree. I also thought the song was beautiful. I have more respect for it if uh, if this is not about Joni Mitchell herself, where it's if she's writing it about herself, it's a little self serving.

Daniel: It's like, look at all the men, everybody

Laurel: loves me. I'm so beautiful. It's okay to take pride in your, your harem of men.

Daniel: I think it's probably one of the first songs of the modern era that is really all about a woman's multimultiple relationships, where a lot of the stuff that we hear from, much earlier than this is from a man's point of view or written by a man

Nichole: yeah. Also the songs that we have done for Is This Polly that were performed by women, they might not have been written by women save for the Janelle Monáe song have all been about threesomes and sex. They've been very like sex focused and this feels very it feels relationship focused.

Daniel: Yeah, and there might be some judgment in the song too. Is it necessarily a positive thing to have your heart be full and hollow like a cactus tree?

Laurel: Yeah, that was interesting. I was like trying to wrap my head around that metaphor like she's busy being free, is yeah I'm just busy doing my own thing right now.

Laurel: Like I'm busy getting me on. And there's I can't quite explain it, but there's something that sort of implies. For now. I'm not, like I'm not ready to settle down or I'm like not at a place in my life where I can settle down. And so yeah, the idea that I would spend eternity, the rest of my life with any one of these people is claustrophobic in a sense.

Laurel: I

Nichole: think there's also the implication that she would have to choose one.

Laurel: Yes.

Nichole: Which Not really

Laurel: Polly. And that's what was like, I think that was, I was picking up more on that. Oh, I'd have to choose one as being the problem more than the commitment being the problem in my interpretation. So it feels more like a is this a song about Polly feelings before the Polly framework is there for this person?

Laurel: It's even the line like, she thinks she loves them all is it's not just she loves them all she thinks she does and like there is some like Cast of doubt on the possibility that you could actually love multiple people at the same time in a meaningful way And then yeah And then just this like supposition that you would have to choose one in this I

Daniel: feel like this song is definitely not about Joni Mitchell herself, or it's just a masterful stepping outside of your own perspective because there's all these layers of point of view going on.

Daniel: Like what you just pointed out, she thinks she loves them. The kind of nuance in the statement she's too busy being free has this kind of implication. that she can't be bothered. It's saying a lot of these things in the subtleties of its perspective rather than saying them explicitly.

Nichole: Yeah. So is this Polly?

Daniel: I'll say no. I think it's got Polly vibes. It's proto Polly Polly prehistory, but I don't think it's quite there. Because of that perspective, because of the slightly judgy oh, this person can't be bothered kind of energy that's going on here.

Laurel: I'm still stuck on this cactus metaphor, full and hollow.

Nichole: With pointy needles on the outside so nobody can get too close. Yeah.

Daniel: Nicole?

Nichole: I agree. This is a no for me.

Daniel: Next up, we have another very prehistory of Polly, but maybe this one is a little closer to the mark.

Daniel: We've got Till the Cows Come Home by Lucille Bogan.

Clip: I love. I got a man I like. Every time I fuck him in, I give him the doggone claps. Oh, baby. Give him the doggone claps. Well, that's the kind of pussy. that they really like.

Woo wee. Well.

Daniel: We need to turn the mics up real hot to get the uh, the tentative squeaks that come out of Nicole. They're some of my favorite noises. Well, There were a lot of cocks.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: Oh yeah. This is from the era when Pussy. Woo wee. Yeah, this is from the era when a cock could be a pussy. It was a multi sexual term.

Nichole: Really?

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: That's cool.

Daniel: Wow.

Laurel: I didn't know that, so I was just like, oh, like you're owning sexuality by taking on the phallus . Like the phallus is mine now. Bitch, you can suck it. . Yeah.

Daniel: not gonna, I'm not gonna argue with that kind of empowerment, . Yeah. You take, you, you can have it. Girl. . Thank you. You can have the PHUs. Thank you. We can share. Um, I do think the reason why I chose this song is because it's set up with a relatively stable triad that is mentioned twice in the song.

Daniel: At the beginning and right in the middle, she talks about having two men who she gives the clap to, and they both have big dicks like baseball bats.

Nichole: Yep.

Daniel: Yeah.

Nichole: And she loves one of them, and she likes the other.

Daniel: What kind of polyamory is that? Is this hierarchical polyamory?

Laurel: Maybe. Maybe, or she just, hasn't built that bond with the other one yet.

Daniel: I was really looking forward to going from Joni Mitchell to this. And I knew we would probably all come down on the, cactus tree is not poly. And I was like, okay, this is 40 years earlier and it's incredibly pornographic, but is it more poly than cactus tree?

Daniel: I think it might be.

Laurel: Like, there's not really a lot of there's not enough depth to glean the level of love and commitment in these relationships. But they seem to be standing relationships

Daniel: she's recruiting for the Kewl.

Laurel: Yeah. So there is definitely I'm going to assume consensual non monogamy. She's forward enough that I think we can assume everybody knows what's going on here. Yeah. Yeah. And she does at the very least, like she loves one, at the very least she likes the other one.

Laurel: She likes the other one. So that's not nothing.

Daniel: And they're both really down to share clap back and forth.

Nichole: Apparently. Pass the clap.

Daniel: What are your general thoughts?

Nichole: General thoughts I probably never loved a song more.

Nichole: I've never had a song speak to me. So just get me right to my core. No, I actually genuinely really liked the song. I've heard it. I think that it's delightful. Because it really, it zigs where you think it's going to zag. So I really love that because not only is she singing about like, look how sexual I am for a woman. In 40 years, a woman will be singing about a man on a boat with some amber beads. But right now, I am, I am so sexually forward and this is me.

Nichole: And that I don't think anybody wrote this for her, which I really enjoy, genuinely enjoy. And it just like is unexpected. You were, it I just was not expecting the lyrics, the way that they went when I first heard this song. I just think it's a fun song.

Daniel: Did you blush? Did you get giddy? Did you feel like you had a secret?

Nichole: Maybe if I was alive when the song was written, I would.

Daniel: Now I think we can ask the question.

Laurel: I'm going to go on a limb and just say, yeah, why the hell not? Yeah. Yeah.

Daniel: Yes.

Laurel: Agreed. Yeah.

Daniel: Me too.

Nichole: Wow.

Daniel: You heard it here, folks. We uniformly reject the Joni Mitchell premise, but till the cows come home, this is a committed relationship.

Laurel: Multiple committed relationship.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: All right.

Daniel: Our third and final tune today is going to be I Like Him by Princess Nokia, which I think is perhaps the spiritual descendant of Lucille Bogan.

Clip: Bang. I like him like him too. He my man. He my boo. He my type. He's so cute. I want him, and I want him too. I like him like him too. He my man. He my boo. He my type. He so cute. I want him and I want him. Hop in the whip, hop in the truck, I do whatever the fuck that I want. I'm not a hoe, I'm not a slut, I like to fuck and I sure like to suck.

Laurel: I like that song. We're batting three for three on the songs Nicole likes today. Yeah, it's

Nichole: true. Um, How do you pronounce her name? Nokia?

Daniel: Nokia.

Daniel: What's the phone?

Nichole: Yeah, I always say Princess Nokia. Oh. I don't know if it's Nokia or Nokia.

Daniel: I don't Nokia.

Nichole: God. Anyways right out the gate. It's exactly like the The last song I like him like him too.

Daniel: I mean she only likes

Nichole: True. Yeah, that's true.

Daniel: She's equal opportunity. You know apathetic although she does say He might boo which is A relatively, like committed position to occupy.

Laurel: Yeah I was thinking of it more of selecting men from a lineup. I'll take you, and yeah, and then I'll take you.

Laurel: And I think there's a line later about when she gets bored of you, she'll leave you on read.

Laurel: I think it's just picking the piece for the day.

Daniel: So you don't think they all have different roles. He's my man, he's my boo he's real cute. And he polishes my shoes. Yes. I really like the song too. I like her energy. And I do see this as the descendant of the kind of Lucille Bogan barrel house vibes.

Daniel: It's a bragging song, similarly to the Lucille Bogan song. It's from a point of view that's usually monopolized by men and bragging about how many.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: Women, they are fucking, where she's flipping the script and it's, what I like about all the songs that we're looking at today is that none of them feel like educational polyamory songs.

Nichole: Yes. Yeah.

Daniel: They're all just different kinds of relationships shown from different points of view.

Nichole: Yes. And they're not to another person trying to convince them of something. All three of them are women who are just explaining how they are in the world. Yeah. Without having to justify it.

Daniel: Alright but, is it Polly?

Laurel: My initial read was like, wasn't Polly so much as just I fuck.

Laurel: Who I want, when I want.

Nichole: Yeah, because, what got that for me was the lyrics. When I leave the city, I leave him on read. Go get the next, like I get the bread. He coming with questions, I call him the feds.

Nichole: I'm calling him the feds. you know, She's not here for relationships.

Nichole: Yeah. She declares it. She likes to fuck and she likes to suck. Yeah.

Laurel: I'm here for a good time, not a long time.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: I'm going to go with a no. Yeah, I'm going to go with a no.

Daniel: Yeah, I'll go with a no as well.

Daniel: But, We got to give a special shout out that we love this song.

Laurel: Yeah, deciding whether something is Polly or not has no bearing on whether or not I still love it, unfortunately.

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: It's the company.

Laurel: Yeah. But like, does it mean, is it like a goddess of,

Nichole: Oh, like Bluetooth? Means something. What? No, it does. It actually does.

Daniel: It's named after a pirate.

Nichole: No, no, Viking.

Daniel: Vikings are just pirates with cooler hats.

Nichole: What? So the symbol for Bluetooth. Yeah. Means Bluetooth in the written Viking language.

Laurel: And who

Daniel: was Blue Tooth?

Nichole: Some guy.

Daniel: Really bad dental hygiene. Like once you have a tooth that's like starting to to kind of

Laurel: change

Daniel: colors.

Laurel: But what's the relation? Is there any relationship to the technology? I can't remember. I

Nichole: just remember that That's how that name came about.

Laurel: Alright, please write in if you know what the fuck Nokia means.

Nichole: Pretty sure it's a name.

Laurel: Pretty sure. But like, yeah, is it like a name of some goddess or something? Or, you know? That has some kind of, you know.

Daniel: That's Nikea. Nikea. Alright. That's a wrap.

Daniel: Should we throw in a polypyramid scheme?

Daniel: Should we throw in a polypyramid scheme?

song: Polyhuraman Huramanski. Polyhuraman Huramanski. Polymega bolts, join the cult. Polyhuraman Huramanski.

Laurel: Please help us.

Laurel: What do we want people to do? Write us a five star review on Apple Podcasts, and also, tell at least, we're gonna, I'm gonna up the game. Don't just tell at least one person you're fucking about the podcast, tell at least one person you have a crush on about the podcast. Ooh, yeah. Yeah.

Daniel: This is how you find out if they are Polly.

Laurel: Yeah. Yeah.

Daniel: If you don't know you're like, Oh, I think you'd really like this podcast. And if they look at you with deer in the headlight eyes and slowly back away then you know, either that they are not Polly or they have already heard us.

Nichole: All right. That's a good one.

song: This has been Polyamateur Hour, a production of Risa Records. If you have a question for Ask the Amateurs, or a recommendation for Is This Poly, please email us at polyamateurhour at gmail dot com. If you enjoyed the show, and you know you did, you perv, please subscribe to us on your podcatcher of choice, leave us a five star review, and most importantly, tell at least one person in your life to check us out.

song: But we hope you tell three. Remember, the advice given by the amateurs should not be followed, unless you are prepared to be ecstatically happy, successful, and strange. Until next time!