Daniel: My god, Chris Kristofferson just died.

I hope I hope that the recorder picked that up. It's the tiniest little uh, uh, Oh

Laurel: my

god.

Song: Talkin bout love and sex and power, All our polyamateur hour.

Nichole (2): Okay, so Daniel and I were talking about Kris Kristofferson yesterday. We were listening to him in the car, he's pretty great, right? So Daniel, you have inherited the curse that I have, which is talking or thinking about a celebrity, and then that person dies. Oh, shit. Wait,

Laurel (2): Did you show Daniel creepy VHS

Nichole (2): tape?

Nichole (2): I did not show him creepy VHS tape, no.

Daniel: That is one of my favorite all time horror movies, is creepy VHS tape.

Nichole (2): I don't know. But I did this with let's see, I think my best friend Aaron did this with Patrick Swayze. Where she watched To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar, the next day he died. I did this with Brittany Murphy, when I watched Clueless, next day she died.

Nichole (2): We both did it together, when we watched Meow. Not that. We watched Baz Luhrmann's Romeo and Juliet. Oh, yeah.

Daniel: And Romeo and Juliet both died.

Nichole (2): Fuck off. But the priest from the movie. Died the next day like the next day. So we have this thing where we think About celebrities or we watch or we consume a piece of media and then boom, they're dead.

Nichole (2): So

Daniel: I'm thinking about some politicians right now. Me fucking too.

Laurel (2): Can we manifest something? I feel like we're gonna get in trouble. I don't know.

Daniel: Only if they believe in our psychic powers.

Laurel (2): I go type it up on a certain forum right now, they will. I

Daniel: feel like they were talking about witchcraft

Daniel: It was on Fox News where they were talking about there had been witchcraft used in the debate.

Nichole (2): Christ almighty. No.

Daniel: Yeah, Yeah. Like Kamala had a coterie of uh, excuse me, a coven. That's the appropriate use for coven right there. Kamala had a coven.

Daniel: That caused the rancor to fester in the mind of the ex president.

Nichole (2): Yeah, it definitely wasn't his own shortcomings. His own inability to be a human being.

Laurel: Oh.

Nichole (2): Remember that one politician that was like, I'm not a witch. I'm like you. And she had to do an entire political ad about how she wasn't a witch. Do you remember this?

Daniel: That's going to make me vote for her right there. She

Nichole (2): was a

Daniel: Republican. Oh,

Laurel (2): daniel's

Daniel: a swing

Laurel (2): vote. I'm, just depends on who's the witch.

Daniel: There's a certain amount of protesting too much that doth make me vote for them.

Nichole (2): Yeah, it really did come across as like, she's facing camera, she's watching, she's looking into the camera, and she goes, look, I'm not a witch. Why did you feel the need to have to do this?

Nichole (2): I really can't remember what election cycle this was, but it was one where If it was a presidential election, either of the candidates were milk toast enough that this governor candidate or Senator candidate felt the need to tell people she wasn't a witch.

Laurel: Wow.

Nichole (2): Remember the days? Yeah.

Daniel: Remember that bumper sticker that was everywhere?

Daniel: I am not a witch.

Daniel: So I'm not a witch.

Nichole (2): Welcome to Polyamateur Hour.

Daniel: The variety show for people who love variety. Our other tagline that I've been shopping around. Maybe people can write in and let us know which one they like better. A variety show for people who love variety or a deeply unserious podcast about serious relationships.

Laurel (2): Oh.

Daniel: Those are both pretty good.

Laurel (2): Yeah.

Daniel: But we can't just stack taglines,

Nichole (2): oh.

Laurel (2): That's dumb. Yeah.

Daniel: Am I not being poly enough? Poly enough with my taglines?

Laurel (2): I thought creative rules were meant to be broken.

Daniel: That's a good tagline.

Laurel (2): Creative rules were meant to be broken.

Laurel (2): Moving on to a whole new thing.

Daniel: I hear you've got a crazy sexy poly story for us.

Song: Music, sexy, call me

Laurel (2): Oh my god. It's so crazy and sexy and Polly. This week I've just been doing nonstop emotional processing with a litany of people and I'm, oh yeah. Thank you. It's really exhausting. . I'm really tired and I wanna stop now.

Daniel: You're so brave. Shut up. .

Laurel (2): Shut up. Shut it. Uh, I did. two really cool, fucked up things.

Laurel (2): So the first one through all of this processing is I realized that it's been a rough, period of time for Laurel here. And and I'm like, really good at bitching. So I have just been like complaining about a lot of things and complaining about not conventing is a better word, I've been venting about partners to partners and like trying to wrap my head around what's going on in my life. And then I realized Oops, I haven't been saying nice things about my partners to my other partners enough. So then my partners think that my other partners are not great for me.

Nichole (2): That does sound really exhausting.

Laurel (2): Yeah.

Laurel (2): All the details of the 80, 000 conversations I had this week are mushed together into one big poly mindfuck. Maybe

Nichole (2): that should be the title of the segment.

Song: It's like a game of telephone, with plenty of feedback. Invited three horses, got only one pizza. Ya balls on ya face, ya got self feedbacked. We're gettin the popcorn, and leanin our seat back. Can't blame ya partners, it sure wasn't Rhyme Lock. You are the author of this poly MINDFUL!

Laurel (2): I was gonna say that's like a uniquely poly thing, where you're talking to your partners about your other partners, and you're not showing the good with the bad. But you could do that with your friends. You complain about your partner too much, and your friends are like, why are you dating this asswipe?

Laurel (2): Oh, a thousand percent. Yeah.

Daniel: , we've had a lot of discussions around, like me and Nicole from the very get go about our boundaries about what to say to other partners about our partners, and I think that where we just arrived organically is that we don't say things about partners, that we wouldn't or haven't said to them.

Nichole (2): Yes. I mean, We definitely arrived at that idea organically. I think we didn't talk about it. Um, But I think It also helped that I wasn't dating anybody actively for like, the first good chunk of our relationship, so there wasn't anybody for me to talk shit about.

Daniel: Yeah, I was just longing for gossip. I was longing for hot goss.

Daniel: I was trying to fix you up on dates, like

Nichole (2): That is really One of the reasons why I read Paulea Marie reddit first thing in the morning is that I'm like, what is the

Laurel (2): team? So much good goss. So much good goss.

Daniel: I mean, and my whole thing was like, the situation was that I was in the position of knowing all these things.

Laurel (2): Daniel knew all of the dirty deets and we sat down with my other partner who, I hadn't had a chance to talk to. Oh. Because they were out of town for a period of time. Um, And I just like wanted them to have a good time out of town and I wasn't gonna like, it's your vacation. I was gonna like bog it down with a bunch of shit.

Laurel (2): Returned from town. We all decided to like do happy hour together. And then Daniel had the secret nugget of knowledge that I was very like, ready to just compartmentalize. I was just gonna shove that in my back pocket for a time where it's more appropriate. And then, but Daniel was sitting on this tasty little morsel and was like, Oh, actually I don't think it was a conscious thought.

Laurel (2): It was just like not as easily compartmentalize for you.

Daniel: Yeah. I feel like I used to be good at compartmentalization. But I've learned so much from uh, from Nicole. Does not compartmentalize things at all.

Nichole (2): I, I think I compartmentalize really

Daniel: well. Let me rephrase. No poker face.

Laurel (2): Oh that's different.

Laurel (2): Yeah. If you got it, if

Daniel: you got a feels. If you got a feels, it's right on the surface. And I think that I've gotten more like that, actually, as we've lived together. I'm really sorry. I like it. me to just own my emotions and be like, hi, I'm a shit show.

Daniel: Um, you know,

Nichole (2): Yes. I think, I mean, I don't want to get too far down this rabbit hole, but there is A difference between compartmentalizing and recognizing your feelings. And I don't have it down to a science at all. And it sounds like both of you are in an impossible situation

Laurel: where we should have had Nicole mediate our fight.

Laurel: Absolutely never.

Nichole (2): I will never fucking do that. Are you kidding me?

Daniel: I feel like we both would have pretended we were over it quicker to, in order to just please mommy.

Laurel (2): I want some version you know the game Don't Wake Daddy? Don't wake daddy. Yes,

Nichole (2): yeah. No.

Laurel (2): This is another generational divide. Well, I know exactly what you're talking about, Laurel. I want some weird Polly version of it that's like, don't upset mommy.

Daniel: Please appease mommy. I don't know.

Okay.

Nichole (2): Should we answer her question? Yeah. Should we focus on other people's problems? Yes.

Daniel: OPP, that's what this show is all about.

Daniel: Uh, So this is our segment, Ask the Amateurs.

If you got questions, don't demur, it's time to ask the amateurs.

Daniel: And we today have an audio question.

Stubert: Okay, this is the last one. So, I think what I'm also kind of poking at a little bit, is the polyposers, who are just looking for excuses to bang other people without consequence, that aren't following the rules. The sloppy polys. Let's call them the sloppy polys.

Stubert: They're, they're bringing, They're bringing the culture down, because they're like, you know,

Stubert: the pronoun junkies who are, you know, just doing weird shit with pronouns. It does something to the trans culture, you know? This to me, the poly, uh, sort of fever, I would say, there's a lot of, you know, talk about it, and in the wrong hands, it's, it's, it's not judiciously used, you know?

Stubert: And you guys, when I hear you speak about it, you hold the standards in high regard, which is a whole different This is not how it's approached more in the media or represented in culture, it seems sloppy.

Daniel: I love the way that Oh, what's our nom de plume for all of our question askers? Stubert. I love the way that Stubert says, Yeah,

Laurel (2): I know. I was like, I'm ready to be sloppy.

Daniel: It's another thing that I want to put on our soundboard. Like when one of us, you know, it was like, it gives a good shit show story.

Daniel: Hi, I'm a shit show. Sloppy.

Laurel (2): That's really good. We have to pay royalties to stupor. We'll pop over. 0. 5 percent of our profits over to Stubert every time we use that.

Daniel: I also wanted to thank Stubert for. Getting us in deep trouble with everybody who uh, is, has, has a pronoun that they don't seem to be completely committed to.



Daniel: Let's go to uh, this is what, episode six canceled already. Well, That's

Nichole (2): why we're not like, The gender spectrum amateur hour.

Daniel: Yeah.

Nichole (2): We're talking about Polly.

Daniel: We're going to pretend that you did not say that.

Nichole (2): Like we could just cut out that part.

Daniel: Oh no. I want to revel in our discomfort.

Nichole (2): Great. Fair. So I think the question is,

Laurel: where do we put them?

Nichole (2): Or how do we navigate them? Or how do we try to discern either as like investigating the dating pool or practicing our own boundaries and safety around sloppy Polly. I think we are all very aware that sloppy Polly exists.

Daniel: Yes, and I think that we've all dated enough and dated people who were new enough to Polly to be involved in sloppy Polly situations, not necessarily that we were. We weren't the messers, so to speak. We weren't the sloppy, I'm sloppy for a whole different set of reasons.

Daniel: You just love the word. You want me to call you sloppy? I like the mouth feel. Yeah. Sloppy. So sloppy.

Laurel (2): Anyways, get back to what you were saying.

Daniel: Oh, I'm sorry. I got a little turned on.

Laurel (2): I think one of Nicole's eyes literally rolled back into her head. I

Nichole (2): hope the listener could hear that.

Daniel: Yeah, um, I've, I've like experienced this shit firsthand, right? usually it's from people who aren't. actually fully committed to polyamory nine times out of 10, it's coming from people who are converting a monogamous relationship to a poly relationship.

Daniel: And the two founding members Are not equally dedicated To the parameters. And that's one that I've been really familiar with firsthand is where somebody turns out that they have more of a, don't ask, don't tell situation, or there is just, news that I get, about the difficulties relayed to me by the hinge partner, about how they're having to navigate. with their, nesting partner, or their founding, I like the founding partner, it's like a law firm.

Daniel: The way that I deal with it is I stop dating them.



Laurel (2): How do you know the difference between what is just like their growing pains, and then like figuring it out, and maybe that hinge partner actually just being sloppy?

Daniel: I think it's consistency. of position and communication. If they are, presenting to me not a consistent position as far as where they're at with their relationship. It lets me know that they're trying to build from a messy core, they've got this, they've got this, what they would probably call their primary relationship.

Daniel: I'm thinking of one person that I dated a long time ago, specifically, who's married, oh, now I'm going to give away details that are totally going to out this person to them. Oh my god, it's me! Um, They invited me to a wedding, and I went to the wedding with them, and then they pretty much broke up with me.

Daniel: After the wedding like, on the street as we were, like, taking a walk. Oh.

Laurel: What? Okay. And then Did you catch the bouquet, though?

Daniel: Uh, In my As they're walking out. As they're In my teeth. It just clocks me in the fucking face. And then they were like, oh, I didn't mean it. Please forgive me. Let's try this again.

Laurel (2): How, wait, what was the time between those?

Daniel: Less than a week. Okay. Cool. And then I was like, okay, fine,

Daniel: Gotta. Weddings bring about a lot of emotions for people.

Laurel: Yeah, so understanding of you.

Daniel: Yeah. And then, And then they just started ghosting emotionally, like not really wanting to talk about things.

Daniel: And so then I ended the relationship. Yeah. I think. Or did I just forget to text back? Oh my god. Our

Laurel (2): relationship's still going.

Nichole (2): Shit. So, This was sloppy Polly because

Daniel: They, for two reasons. One, they had a lot of conflict with their husband.

Nichole (2): Oh, they were married. Okay.

Daniel: Yeah. That he was not really comfortable with her being Polly.

Daniel: I don't think that he was completely uncomfortable. aware

Daniel: that she that it was beyond non monogamy. I think that he thought it was more like a you know, Swing a good time. I

Nichole (2): mean wasn't he suspicious when she invited you to the wedding and not her husband?

Daniel: I don't know what the backstory Did he even know of this was?

Daniel: Um, That's a good question. There were things that she concealed from him Yeah. As well. Yeah. So in my mind, this is like a great representation of.

Daniel: sloppy Polly because one, you're in a relationship that is not actually completely aligned and you're not being honest with the person that you're in the founding relationship with. Two what she's communicating to me is not consistent. It's also like changing from day to day what she wants the parameters to be.

Nichole (2): Very sloppy.

Daniel: Very sloppy.

Nichole (2): Yeah. I'm trying to think if I have any I don't know that I've dated enough people. But I do think, as a walking pair of tits, that I do attract a lot of No! I attract a lot of men who either just want me for a good time, Or are like trying to build a harem.

Daniel: You're a great foundational block, I gotta say.

Nichole (2): Yeah, cause I'm stacked.

Daniel: Balance a solo cup on that shit.

Nichole (2): I was walking with my best friend. And a bird shat on me, but shat on my boob. And she was like, that's because your boobs were like so far out ahead of you that it didn't have anywhere else to go.

Daniel: I thought this was going to be like a really charming like Snow White story where the bird comes and perches on your tit and starts singing a titmouse. Comes and perches on your tit, sings a little song. No, it was

Nichole: about how to bird shit on me because my tits are too big.

Nichole (2): So I, I've definitely yeah, I've just come across plenty of men who are just like looking to collect. And it's pretty obvious right from the get go. So I don't go any further than just talking to them and just being like,

Nichole: no,

Nichole (2): thank

Nichole: you.

Nichole (2): The thing that I do with anybody who's possibly.

Nichole (2): Sloppy Polly is I am very direct over whatever messaging service we're using. Typically I, they don't have my phone number, so I'm not texting them, but on the dating apps or whatever, I will explain to them like, Hey, I'm not really feeling it. And this piece of behavior, I don't say that they made me uncomfortable.

Nichole (2): I just say I'm not really feeling it. Thank you though. Thank you for your time. Yeah. And I like put an end to it. So I don't just ghost them. Cause that always feels shitty. When I get ghosted. So I try to put a

Laurel (2): stop to it before it starts. I

Laurel: think

Laurel (2): I feel like the sloppy poly people, more often than not, are going for monogamous people.

Laurel (2): Cause I hear stories. people are like, oh yeah, like I tried that with this one, it's usually a man, let's be honest, sorry. But it's like, I tried that and he was just like an asshole to me. And he was essentially just like, sleeping around and not telling me and not being like, up front and honest and checking in about sexual health stuff.

Laurel (2): And then that sucks. Cause like, oh, that was your one experience with quote unquote Polly. Cause I feel like, or maybe they just end up in relationship with each other and it sucks. But I feel like for someone who's experienced in Polly, it is really apparent. Like pretty quickly. Unless the person is lying a lot and concealing a lot from you, it's pretty apparent pretty quickly, like, how much experience someone has.

Laurel (2): And it's usually just oh, I know what questions to ask, like, when I go on a first date.

Daniel: So you're saying that the sloppiest thing that kind of people can do is to, as a poly person, to try and date people that are not poly. Okay.

Laurel (2): Yeah, and then say you're poly as an excuse for evading commitment when I think of sloppy people, sloppy poly people, those are the stories I hear because if I feel like if I were gonna date a sloppy poly person, there's no,

Laurel (2): Real reason for them to lie about me, or lie to me about anything, and there's no like, Like, Like, I'm just like, Oh, I know you're inexperienced.

Nichole (2): I think you're exactly right. They use poly as an excuse to have sexual infidelity.

Nichole (2): Or at the very least, just like fucking around.

Nichole (2): Can I just I'm sorry. Really fucking annoying.

Daniel: Alright everybody, this is our segment called Nicole goes to try and quiet the dogs.

Nichole (2): Don't make mommy mad.

Daniel: Don't make mommy mad.

, which salient point were we on?

Daniel: I think part of the question is asking about also just the public. cultural representation of poly. And I guess what I got to say on that front is I'm just glad for representation, even if it is kind of sloppy. Like anybody just coming out and saying that they're poly in the public sphere is such a big deal right now.

Daniel: It's so taboo I feel much more comfortable being out about being queer than I do about being out, about being poly. , so. thank you to the Will Smiths of the world,

Nichole (2): yeah, see, the first thought I had was Thomas Middleditch, and that was, like,

Daniel: not great. Oh yeah, I don't know anything about Thomas Middleditch. Is he a witch?

Nichole (2): He gave a Playboy interview where, he was an asshole. This is Sloppy Polly, though. He And he was telling this writer for this Playboy article oh yeah, I told my wife we were going to be non monogamous the night I'm, the night we got married.

Nichole (2): I was like, here we are, baby. And now we're getting married. I get to fuck around and so do you as like a selling point.

Daniel: I imagine this all being presented like a game show, like there's a display and it's like, and you get a brand new car. Here's my girlfriend.

Nichole (2): Yeah. So, And then he just turned out to be a major creep, whatever.

Nichole (2): But it was a big deal with this Playboy article because it was like, everybody was like, Oh my god, non monogamy? What an asshole! And I think he was an asshole because it wasn't consensual. Yeah. But he was putting the label of consensual non monogamy polyamory on it.

Daniel: There are so many assholes in the world, and there's just more monogamous people than there are non monogamous people.

Daniel: Therefore, there are more monogamous assholes than there are non monogamous assholes. You're welcome.

Nichole (2): The culture wants to home in on non monogamy because it's salacious. Yeah. So non monogamous assholes they're just gonna

Laurel (2): Yeah, and used as like a standard by which to judge all non monogamous people, which I think is true for just like most social minorities or like underrepresented peoples that it's like, Oh, here's one example of a bad gay. They're all bad.

Laurel (2): Cause we never, we're never like, Whoa, that dick really fucked up monogamy. All monogamy is bad. Like, It's just, it's a, it's just things and stuff.

Daniel: It's our new segment.

Laurel (2): Things and stuff. Things

Daniel: and stuff.

Laurel (2): This is what you get when I've been.

Laurel (2): Um, It's worth it just to see that gleam in your eye, though.

Laurel (2): And for nuggets like, things and stuff. This is perpetuating the stereotype that you really have to be depressed to be funny. So stop , . Stop patting me on the back.

Laurel (2): Yeah. I'm, I'm sort of with you in that I don't super care that there are like bad people using the guise of consensual non-monogamy or polyamory to do their bad things. Because I have enough integrity in what I do that what they do just really has nothing to do with me.

Laurel (2): And if there's someone out there that's going to judge me based on what Schmo Bloken over there did that's also their problem and not my problem. That's a really good point. Thank you, Laurel. You're welcome. I feel good.

Daniel: And I believe that we're going to reach a critical mass. I believe that there are enough good positively acting poly people out there in the world. I believe that more and more people are turning on, tuning in, and dropping out of their monogamous relationships every day.

Daniel: Drugs. I think people date more in this era than probably any other because of the rise of internet dating, specifically Tinder, like all of these things that are specifically numbers, game, date more and more people that people are really, you know, stepping in the shit pile of monogamy over and over again.

Daniel: And I think every day more and more people, Oh, there are a lot of negative behaviors that. And experiences and emotional hardships that are involved in monogamy. And that doesn't mean that monogamy is bad for everybody. It just means that they're you get enough people with enough experience.

Daniel: They're going to start realizing that it's not non monogamy. That's the problem.

Laurel (2): This is why I make it my personal mission to date as many newbies as possible.

Laurel (2): Yeah.

Daniel: Our promiscuity is creating real change in this culture.

Nichole (2): You are doing the Bill Clinton thumb And fist when you say this. Did

Laurel (2): Bill start that? Did my old pal Bill start that?

Nichole (2): I'm just saying it's very political what you're doing. Well, It also like,

Laurel (2): I believe.

Nichole (2): I dig it. I find it very inspiring.

Daniel: It's election season. I'm trying to just jump on the bandwagon. There's a lot, there's a lot of joy in this campaign. Hey, maybe it's about polyamory.

Laurel (2): Turns out,

Nichole (2): but we can't choose both.

Nichole (2): Thank God. That

Daniel: would be weird. So we talk a lot about pop culture in this podcast, and ask the questions about polyamory is representation,

Daniel: sometimes it's sloppy, sometimes it's not. But at the end of the day. We will decide is this Pauly?

Is this Polly or not?



Daniel: It's our segment where we look at pieces of media and decide whether they're Pauly or not.

Daniel: Here we come.

Daniel: First off we're gonna look at Rick James's 1 2 3 you her and me

two, three. We drifted together, the three of us. It's got to be it's got to be what

Nichole (2): Wow.

Daniel: So at first I thought that it was going to be like another song just about a threesome because it's Rick James. And of super freak fame of of just the great cocaine fueled escapades of legend. But it's actually a love song. Like he's talking about a relationship, you and me and her together forever.

Daniel: This is a song about wanting. a lasting connection with two people and feeling torn about it and there's very little direct insinuation of group sex.

Nichole (2): Yes, and. I mean, Just looking at the lyrics, we could be together, the three of us forever, I guess is not necessarily group sex. Yeah, that

Daniel: was about. Sex that would be a eternity of sex abrasive, yeah

Nichole (2): Yeah, I mean some of these lyrics are pretty like spot on as far as forget your rules and regulations so shed your mono normativity Lady,

Daniel: yeah

Nichole (2): My love for you is so strong. My love for her is unwrong

Daniel: Great sentiment. Terrible rhyme.

Nichole (2): My heart is torn between the two of you. So he does love both of them. Yeah.

Daniel: Rick James, if there's one thing that I think of when I think of Rick James is deep, dedicated, heartfelt love.

Nichole (2): Oh yeah, absolutely. Thousand percent.

Daniel: He uses the term menage a trois. Which Laurel, when we were doing a little pre listen, you were like, does that mean a relationship and us just dirty minded Americans have turned it into just a threesome thing?

Laurel (2): Yeah. I'm not French and I don't speak French, but I'm pretty sure that, and I don't know the sentiment, because direct translations can be like funny and wonky anyway, but I think it means Like household, like ménage like a three person household.

Daniel: Nicole, did you ever talk, did you ever talk about menage a trois with your French grandma?

Nichole (2): All the time.

Daniel: Yeah.

Nichole (2): Yeah, a trois. Baguettes and cheese fromage.

Nichole (2): Fromage. Fromage

Laurel (2): a toi. Fromage a toi. Amen.

Nichole (2): I would want to know the etymology of menage a toi because I do think that it's, Yeah

Nichole (2): and what I'm picking up from one of these articles is it is a domestic relationship. It is a domestic arrangement or committed relationship consisting of three people in polyamorous romantic or sexual relations with each other, often dwelling together. The phrase is a loan from French meaning household of three.

Nichole (2): So I don't know where it crossed over to

Laurel (2): meaning. a sexy little threesome tidbit for Americans.

Daniel: So Laurel you, you're more French than you know. or you're just extending a benefit of the doubt to the French.

Daniel: I fucked a French dude once.

Daniel: So you got a little French in you. I got a little French in

Laurel (2): me. It wasn't so little. Wink! Woo! Oh,

Daniel: mon dieu. . So is this Polly, Nicole?

Nichole (2): Yes. I would say that it is Polly because there is romantic intention.

Laurel (2): Yes, I agree. There's also this weird thing where I feel like a lot of the like poly adjacent or poly songs that we find are about trying to convince some like somebody that their love for this other person is also okay, which is yeah, which is that's my marriage

Daniel: It's appropriate to the era too it's like if I'm saying I'm Polly in 1970 whatever, 80 whatever that this was. Like, I'm just screaming to the world, Hey! This is okay! It's, It's cool! Don't worry! Hey guys! Everything's fine!

Nichole (2): But I also want to know what the other

Laurel (2): That was definitely the tone I got from the song.

Nichole (2): I want to know what the other woman thinks.

Nichole (2): If she also loves him, and we'll never know.

Laurel (2): Yeah, like, that's the other component of it, though, is that it's not it's not like we're gonna be a triad, where everybody is sleeping with everybody. It's just it's a V.

Laurel (2): Yeah. I'm a hinge. I'm a hinge. You're with me, she's with me.

Daniel: Why isn't Hinge for threesomes and triads?

Laurel (2): I don't know. What is the hinge in that situation? Is it the app is like the hinge in your relationship?

Daniel: Is it like an open door?

Laurel (2): And you peek inside and there's a bunch of fuckboys it's dark and there, you like, turn on the little light because there's a string hanging from the ceiling and there's just dick pics. Nobody sends unsolicited dicks to me. This is just like a legend I've heard. This is Never happened to me.

Laurel (2): But maybe also it's fallen out of favor because I didn't use dating apps until later in life.

Daniel: And there was a great backlash to the There was

Laurel (2): the great backlash.

Daniel: The great anti dick pic campaign of 2015.

Daniel: Maybe that worked. Yeah. Good

Laurel (2): job. Yeah. I remember when they

Daniel: took to the streets and there were the No more

Laurel (2): dick pics. No more dick pics. Dick pics.

Daniel: They had the the signs with the dick pics yeah, like the

Laurel (2): Ghostbusters thing. Like, We ain't afraid of no dicks.

Daniel: Next up we're gonna reach way back for a song which people don't think of as being Polly it is The Who, The Kids Are Alright.

Song: don't mind other guys dancin with my girl That's fine, I know them all pretty well But I know sometimes I must get out in the light Better leave her behind when the kids are alright

Daniel: I think that it's about a kind of an E& M relationship. C& M, excuse me, not electronic dance music. I think it's from the point of view of an older man who's dating a younger woman and they have an open relationship.

Daniel: And I think that he she is with, other men like a social group too where there's maybe some, there's some sexual things going on. And he is. For the most part, really at peace with it. He knows he can't be there all the time and he he trusts everybody who's involved. Like they're all, it's like a community where he thinks that these are good people.

Daniel: The kids are alright. I don't know. That's just my take.

Nichole (2): I heard it as It's from the point of view of somebody who's solo Polly. So I don't mind other guys dancing with my girl. That's fine. I know them all pretty well. Maybe a solo Polly person who's like familiar with other people in this partner's life. I think the, sometimes I feel I got to get away, Bell's chime.

Nichole (2): I know I got to get away. That's what reads solo Polly to me is I got to go do my own thing. I got to go be by myself for a while. Cause my understanding of solo poly is that like you, you're dating yourself first. Like you are in relationship with yourself. And so this guy is prioritizing his own relationship and is yeah, I don't have a problem with anybody.

Nichole (2): I just got to go do my own thing.

Laurel (2): My, so this is going to be very uncharacteristic of me of not going for the most polygenerous interpretation of it, but I see it like.

Laurel (2): Oh yeah, I'm seeing this woman. I don't really mind that she's out there flirting with other people. Cause I'm going to leave her eventually. And I need to like, I need to go move on and do my thing. And I'm glad that she has these other people here for her. And that's cool.

Daniel: That's probably the most sixties appropriate, like interpretation.

Daniel: You're doing the historically grounded. Analysis, which is, yeah.

Nichole (2): Oh, it's very obvious that I don't think Pete Townsend was practicing solo poly. It's just the way the lyrics came across to me,

Laurel (2): but I think you're right, Laurel. Cause I think, cause there's just like some of the lines in there that are like, I don't remember specifically, but are basically like.

Laurel (2): She'll be better off. I know if I go, things would

Nichole (2): be a lot better for her.

Laurel (2): Yeah, it's sort of like, I have one foot out the door already, and that's probably causing her some stress. And if I get the fuck out of here, she'll be better off. See,

Daniel: I thought that was in the specific situation of this kind of, Party or social atmosphere where he knows things will be better for her if he physically leaves

Laurel: Yeah,

Daniel: if he actually it made me think of some of the ways that like I get jealous of you at parties I think I'll go home and uh, go to sleep.

Daniel: I ain't gonna leave her behind with the kids. Kids are all right,

Nichole (2): Whereas I left two hours prior to that.

Nichole (2): So is this Polly?

Daniel: I'll say no, but I do think that it is Non monogamous. I think that there are elements of non monogamy in this song, and I think that they are intentional, as they could be for the time.

Laurel (2): Yeah, I agree. I think that, yeah, I don't think it's just like a cute coincidence that it's oh, I don't mind when my girl dances with other guys, and that not means something a little more elaborate than that. Dancing

Daniel: Horizontally.

Nichole (2): Oh, God.

Nichole (2): I will also say no. This is not Polly. But, I appreciate it. As a song. You

Daniel: Alright, Nicole, you brought the next one in.

Nichole (2): I did. This is Bob Linde, Go Ask Your Man.

Daniel: Not to be confused with Paul Linde's, Go Ask Your Man!

Nichole (2): Oh

my god.

Baby, ask your man if he would let you come along with me And watch the morning hit the sea, or would he like that? If you think he'll take it wrong, just tell him I won't keep you long Soon as our good times are gone, I'll bring you right back But until then, could anything be finer Than rollin toward the ocean in your trusty Morris Minor?

Go ask your man, I'm sure he'll understand

Nichole (2): the first time you and I heard this song Daniel, we were listening to it in the car or something and you were like, oh, it's I love songs from, I love old songs that are secretly Polly.

Daniel: I take it back. I like the song, but I don't know if it's Polly. I have such conflicted feelings about this song.

Nichole (2): I think that it is. a dude who Would be in a polyamorous relationship if he could be right because he's telling this person What's the one line that? Babe If he should ask of you just tell him I won't do to you a single thing.

Nichole (2): He wouldn't do except not own you You So, this guy's cool. And this lady's man is not cool. You're

Laurel: a little L7 weenie.

Daniel: I think there's a lot of subtext in this song. Where the more you listen to it, the more kind of layers of what's going on come out.

Daniel: I think that this guy, the singer of the song, might be the definition of the sloppy poly person that Laurel was talking about earlier who is all dating monogamous people. He is approaching this monogamous relationship, in a framework of the woman's man, her boyfriend, owning her, and at the same time, he's also undermining the relationship saying, I won't own you, but then also there's stuff about please define what he's yelling, you over the line when I call you.

Daniel: So actually the Blythe kind of presentation of this is completely different from what's actually going on with her and her man. Her man is actually like furious and insane and possessive. So it's so complex. I can't even quite untangle it enough to figure out. If it's Polly or not, because I'm like the relationship itself is super messy, and there's a lot of different emotions going on.

Laurel (2): Since the listeners can't see, there's literally steam flowing out of Daniel's ears right now, just whistling with confusion.

Nichole (2): Yeah, I agree. I think that it starts off as wouldn't it be fun to just go fuck on the beach? And like, go ask your man. I'm sure he'll understand. I don't want to take his place.

Nichole (2): I just love your laughter. And then it gets to, I know that he hates me and he wants to kill me, but wouldn't it be fun just for a day? Yeah, I don't know. Yeah I, I think you're right. I don't know that this is secretly Polly again. I think I'm taking it from the perspective of the songwriter of if he knew about polyamory at the time or knew that was an option, maybe he would go into those kinds of relationships, but this specific one is, he is chasing after

Laurel (2): Yeah, it seems like the conceit is that I'm sure he'll understand is an absolute joke.

Laurel (2): That's the, like, there's no other way to interpret it other than this is such a ludicrous thing. Maybe Not just like culturally, but also to your husband or man or whoever he is. That this is like so sarcastic.

Daniel: Yes. So in a way. It's like anti Pauly. It's sarcastically Pauly, is what it is.

Daniel: Because he's like, yeah, this is just gonna be fine. But in fact, he's like, I just want you to cheat and ruin your fucking relationship and come away with me.

Nichole (2): For just a day.

Daniel: Yeah, because it's worth it, because I'm way more fun than this fucking jackass.

Laurel (2): Yeah. Yeah. Wow, this is very sloppy Pauly. This is very sloppy Pauly.

Laurel (2): And you know this guy is not going to be interested as soon as she does leave her man. Oh, a thousand percent. Yeah.

Daniel: I don't think that he is positioning himself

Laurel (2): as a You're right, he doesn't want to replace him. He

Nichole (2): literally wants to go to the beach for a day. Just go to the beach for a day.

Nichole: Just a day, man. Just, yeah. It's just

Laurel (2): the beach.

Nichole: I won't get your clothes too sandy.

Laurel (2): I'm thinking about the bathing suit that I have at home right now. Where I'm mud gremlin'd and in the ocean for an entire day, because I was on a lot of mushrooms. And I was just like pouring, me and just some other marvelous people, I was just pouring sand on myself.

Laurel (2): And there is still sand between the two layers of the bathing suit. Like I got home that night and showered and like pounds of it, sorry to that Airbnb, pounds of it just dumped into the bath. Laurel! Yeah, dude! I put on that bathing suit the other day, and there's just so much sand in it forever and ever.

Daniel: It's just to remind you of the good times. It sparkles. It definitely sparkles.

Nichole (2): This is why you two go camping and I stay home.

Nichole (2): Because it's not my bag. I'm not gonna bury myself in fucking sand and then have sand for months. There's still sand in the trunk of my car. Anyway, so this is the difference between your partner's

Daniel: One of them's real real dirty

Song: This has been Polyamateur Hour, a production of Risa Records. If you have a question for Ask the Amateurs, or a recommendation for Is This Poly, please email us at polyamateurhour at gmail dot com. If you enjoyed the show, and you know you did, you perv, please subscribe to us on your podcatcher of choice, leave us a five star review, and most importantly, tell at least one person in your life to check us out.

Song: But we hope you tell three. Remember, the advice given by the amateurs should not be followed, unless you are prepared to be ecstatically happy, successful, and strange. Until next time!