Nichole: I got the best, scam text the other day.

Laurel: What was it?

Nichole: It just said, have some barbecue question mark. I think I got that one too. What did you respond?

Daniel: Wait. Is this a friend of ours who is just looking for barbecue?

Nichole: I mean, that's the thing is that it was like, were they asking us, do you have any barbecue?

Nichole: Were they saying, do you want some barbecue? How did you interpret it?

Laurel: I initially just assumed it was like inviting me to a barbecue. To a barbecue. That is another.

Nichole: Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Daniel: like in my career as like an advertising copywriter, which weirdly is the thing that I've been doing, and then, you know, creative director and then, you know, uh, creative Emperor.

Daniel: this isn't LinkedIn dude.

Daniel: like in these 20 years, right? Like what people have been emphasizing over and over again is Okay. Yeah. How can we be clearer and more straightforward? Right. I've had this lingering theory that sometimes just completely baffling. Advertising is actually the best way to get someone's attention.

Daniel: And that sometimes the bad advertising that is like, even if it's confusing, not on purpose, I sometimes wonder is it confusing on purpose? Because I'm like sitting here thinking about it, thinking about it. Like have some barbecue, like you're just frozen there thinking like, am I going to a barbecue? Do I have a barbecue?

Daniel: Am I getting scammed?

Nichole: We knew we were getting scammed.

Laurel: Yeah,

Daniel: but is the barbecue worth it?

Laurel: yeah. Am I just gonna grab life by the claw and go for it?

Nichole: Yeah. I mean, what you're saying, Daniel immediately made me think of It's a lemon.

Daniel: Yes.

Nichole: Yeah. The classic Volkswagen print ad from the seventies.

Daniel: And it made Laurel think of Grab Life by the Claw, which Laurel thinks about every time we pass that sign. she reads all billboards out loud. I am like, I am your, your

Laurel: aging grandmother.

Laurel: I just like read things as we go by them.

Daniel (2): But when you read that

Daniel: white claw billboard

Daniel (2): like it's with a special spiteful disdain. Like , grab Life by the Claw, it's like you're surprised by it. Every time too. Every time, man.

Nichole: It's just annoying as fuck because it's painted on the side of a building.

Nichole: Yeah. As you're going across the Morrison Bridge to get on five. Yeah. I am also baffled by it every time. You know what I picture?

Daniel: When I see this and I, and I read it and I close my eyes while I'm driving to visualize, uh, the images that it conjures.

Daniel: It's kind of like a dark crystal sketchy situation, you know, a dark demonic figure with the claw, you know, like, oh, talons. And I'm just like, I am reaching out my hand and I am embracing

Daniel: my claw partner.

Nichole: I visualize the same kind of thing, but for me it's rescuers down under with the eagle and the little boy.

Nichole: Yeah,

Daniel: for a minute I thought it was some kind of like stripper thing, like I was thinking thunder down under it is chippendale, but rescuers. No chip. This isn't Chippendale.

Nichole: It's another rodent crew from Disney.

Laurel: It's not Chippendale's Rescue Rangers.

Nichole: No, it's rescuers.

Laurel: There's a whole different rodent.

Laurel: There's a whole,

Nichole: yeah. They're two mice. One is voiced by, , Ava Gabor. Wait, are we talking about Chippendale

Daniel: or Chippendales?

Nichole: We're, I mean, we're in this weird, neither apparently. We're not talking about either, but we're also talking about both.

Daniel: I thought that that Coca-Cola would make me more alert, but I think I jumped past alert and back into nonsense.

Nichole: Whoops.

Daniel: Welcome

Laurel: to Poly Amateur Hour. I'm Laurel.

Daniel: I'm Daniel.

Laurel: I'm Nicole. It's like, um. Shoot for the moon, and at least you'll land amongst the stars, which isn't true at all. Like, what Star is closer than the Moon jackass.

Nichole: Oh my God.

Nichole: Speaking of moons, um, so Mac tonight, the mascot for McDonald's in the nineties. Mm-hmm. That was the giant moon head. Oh yeah. Famously played by Doug Jones. Yeah.

Nichole: Richard, my best friend and I walk into a restaurant in Sacramento and behind the bar there is a Mac tonight head, and we both immediately go.

Nichole: And the guy who was standing next to us, very tall man goes, what? What's, what's wrong? And we're like, there's a Mac tonight there. And he's like, oh yeah, he turned out to be the owner of the restaurant. Like he was just like really wanted to know if we were like, okay, did he not know how it got there? He was like, that's one of the original prototypes.

Nichole: it wasn't wearing a pair of sunglasses. And I was like, that's creepy as fuck. So like, yeah. What is its eyes? It's eyes are very big and round. And like, does it have pupils? Yes, it does. Okay. Doesn't it have pupils? Of

Laurel: course. What Eye doesn't have a pupil? Daniel?

Daniel (2): I'm wondering if they bothered to like paint or like do anything to the eyes, which are always hidden.

Daniel (2): Always hidden under the sunglasses. They bothered. I mean, it's just like fucking ice agents don't have faces under the fucking

Daniel (2): mask.

Laurel: that's who doesn't have pupils. Yeah. Ice agents.

Nichole: Yeah, they don't have souls either. You heard it here first. Folks. They don't have morals.

Nichole: They don't have a backbone. Fucking cowards.

Daniel: You know, we're, Recording this episode right here in the middle of Portland, Oregon

Laurel: War torn,

Daniel: war torn Portland, Oregon, little war

Laurel: torn Oregon

Daniel: and in solidarity. We are recording this episode in inflatable mascot suits. That's why you hear the, and our

Nichole: mouths are, our voices are muffled.

Daniel: we're in like the, like day 14 now of like people in, inflatable, dinosaur suits, inflatable frog suits, inflatable, et cetera. Anything inflate anything. I feel like they've been at it for

Laurel: a while. Yeah. Yeah. Just now everyone's paying attention to the 14 people

Nichole: and they're doing it themselves.

Nichole: Other cities have started to dress up in,

Laurel: I love it. In

Nichole: inflatable,

Laurel: did you see the draft that got arrested? Aw.

Daniel: yeah, they'd been doing it for a while. Like, this is Portland. They were probably doing it downtown before there was actually ice to protest. There's just a bunch of people hanging out.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: That's just like their Sunday best.

Nichole: our friend Dalia was pointing out the other night. It's a brilliant strategic maneuver to dress up in those inflatable Oh yeah. Uh, costumes because the ventilation system ventilates out, , pepper spray and mace. Yeah. Yeah. They can't enter you with rubber bullets and your faces are covered tactical gear.

Nichole: It's the best tactical gear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're what, like 30, 40 bucks like you can get, so you can get one for your whole crew.

Daniel: It's not my revolution unless I can squee to it.

Laurel: So cute. It's so cute.

Nichole: Yeah. I did see a tweet that was like Los Angeles. We'll fight you Chicago, we'll fight you Portland, Oregon. We'll subject you to two weeks of improv. Yeah, I saw that too.

Nichole: I mean, it's just holding up a mirror to the circus that is this administration. Like this is how you fight fascism is with humor and just showing them just like how we don't take this seriously.

Laurel: Don't take the rage bait.

Daniel: Like these are people who are hired with absolutely no standards.

Daniel: I'm talking about ice, right? Yeah.

Laurel: All that is required is that you're under a crushing amount of debt that you are so desperate Yeah.

Laurel: To pay off and that you're not really good at reading the fine print.

Nichole: Yeah.

Laurel: Yeah. That says you'll only get paid out after four years of service. Oh my God. Yeah. The like bonuses. Yeah. The like 50 K bonus and stuff. Four years of service. You're gonna get fired before then, buddy. Do you realize who is hiring you?

Laurel: how much like litigation there is against this man in like personal business and finance about ripping people off and scamming his employees? And you think this administration is gonna make good on its promise to dig you out of your personal debt? No fucking way.

Daniel: His fucking tagline is you are fired.

Daniel: wow.

Nichole: I mean, what a bunch of sad sex.

Laurel: It is sad. It's also like, you don't have the like, moral fortitude, to see that no amount of money should be able to buy you into doing

Daniel: this job. Yeah. See, I thought they got like paid on commission, like per kidnapping, right? And like it's by weight, so like children are worth a little less.

Laurel: I don't know. They're going after the kids. Yeah.

Daniel: They're

Laurel: like,

Daniel: yeah, but you gotta get 'em in bulk, you know?

Laurel: Yeah. I guess that's the thing. It's like they're smaller, so you need more of them. It's just

Nichole: pathetic. I've used the word pathetic to, , describe this administration and the people in it multiple times, but this is just like, it's just pathetic.

Daniel: This episode is really solidifying for me, like my belief that John Billingsley radicalized us. I've said this before, as soon as Star Trek's, Dr. Flocks came on the podcast, every subsequent episode I know has gotten heavier and heavier.

Nichole: Well, the world has gotten heavier.

Daniel: Yes.

Nichole: And we've been responding at least in Portland, Oregon and now in other cities in the United States in a, in a way that we know. How

Daniel: can I

Nichole: just

Daniel: be thankful for John Billingsley though? Can I just credit him, you know, it's coming up on Sure. Yeah. It's coming up on Thanksgiving season.

Daniel: I'm like. I'm going to, I'm gonna attribute this. Uh, John, we thank him every, every day.

Nichole: Don't we? Thank him in our morning prayers. We do.

Laurel: I have a picture of John Billingsley over every like entryway in my house,

Laurel: he's like a mozza. Yeah,

Daniel: I was, I was, I was raised not to believe in a sky God. But if Dr.

Daniel: Flocks is up there in the spaceship, like

Laurel: sky, God it is. Yeah. Yeah. I have a really serious thing that I want to talk about. Yes, Laurel. Yeah. I don't think people in the polyamorous community talk about it enough, and that is The crazy amount of clothes you end up with. Like,

Nichole: okay. Like, okay. The crazy amount of clothes you end up with are the ones that end up at your partner's houses. Both because

Laurel: So one, I'm wearing your socks right now, Nicole, my socks, and I tried to give them back to you, and then Daniel brought them back to me. You told me that they weren't yours. Oh wait, those

Nichole: pink fuzzy ones?

Nichole: Yeah. I'm realizing now those are mine because I looked in my sock drawer and I have the gray ones and I was like, oh shit. Whoops. I just never wear them. I

Daniel: thought you were just trying to offload them to Laurel. They're not, not, I think not mine. I think

Nichole: subconsciously I was trying to

Daniel: them, maybe that's the only kind of erotic relationship that you two have is knowing that your feet have been in the same socks, just passing

Nichole: socks back and forth.

Nichole: Back and forth forever. Back and forth. Forever.

Laurel: All right.

Nichole: Yes.

Laurel: Clothes. Yeah. Well, like, so I have a, I have a partner drawer at my house where like if I can't identify a piece of clothing and I put it in the partner drawer,

Daniel: and this also doubles as the dog clothing drawer.

Laurel: It's also where I put Zoe's shirts.

Laurel: 'cause it's the partner drawer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's important. And Zoe is my, your primary partner? My queer canon.

Daniel: Canon

Laurel: partner.

Daniel: Canonical.

Laurel: Yeah,

Daniel: canonical. It does sometimes make me feel like I might be a dog that you're dressing up in the morning though.

Laurel: Aw, that's cute. Or you don't like it. Wait, is that a bad thing?

Laurel: You don't wanna be my dog?

Laurel: uh, and then sometimes I'll have no takers. For any of the clothes. For any of the clothes. And you have

Daniel: no idea where they came from and

Laurel: I have no idea where they came from. Yeah, yeah. That happened to me. Yeah. And then like Daniel brought me back a pile of my clothes that I barely knew were missing because I have so much extra clothing around.

Laurel: Yeah. But there's all this like, I'm taking out each item. To like fold it and put it away somewhere. I'm like, these aren't mine. This isn't mine.

Daniel: We've now established though, that Nicole has closed blindness. Yeah.

Nichole: Apparently. Yeah. At at least for fuzzy socks. He also tried to give this shirt to you and I had been missing this shirt for months.

Nichole: I was like, that's where that went. Oh my God. You son of a bitch. But

Daniel: also, and you're like, you don't recognize my tit imprint.

Nichole: I mean, I just think it's also funny that like Daniel like packs a little bag to go over to your place when he is spending the night. Yeah. And yet comes home almost every time wearing a shirt of yours.

Nichole: Yes. Yes. And I'm like. You can't, you have so many shirts here. You can't just take one of your shirts over. It's not like a surprise think that you're spending the night at Laurel, like, like you planned for this. You'd get out your little drugs and you go, I'm gonna take this tonight. I'm gonna take this tonight.

Daniel: I kind of retroactively want to call what we've been doing now, like a segment. It could be a crazy, sexy poly. Mm, yeah. Talking about the clothes.

Daniel: Yeah. But it could also be a new segment. What's the new

Laurel: segment?

Daniel: Shit, Daniel does. Because you apparently just run this segment unofficially every other fucking episode.

Laurel: That is true. It wasn't meant to be like, I turned it into that. That was me. It wasn't meant to. Yeah, it wasn't meant to be about you specifically.

Laurel: Not everything's about you. Yeah. And I can tell when it's

Daniel: gonna start because you look at each other with that. Like Detmer and OO face, you know,

Nichole: I know, I know. Laurel and I,

Laurel: what can we say? We have, we just have a look. So we share when, you know, you know, you just, you just know.

Laurel: All right. I think what I'm hearing is get back in the jingle box. Make yourself a little jingle. Oh

Daniel: yeah. That could be a segment of, of shit Daniel does is make all the songs for our hit podcast.

Nichole: Okay. Alright. You complain about it like you one, don't enjoy it. Two are not good at it. Three don't. Are you talking about sex? Don't you make extra work for yourself? You're like, well, I gotta make a remix of like the weird sounds that you made during this, during this recording. And you're probably gonna drop one of those like remixes right now, so people know what I'm talking about. And then you're gonna say, we gotta cut seven minutes off this episode because I, to

Daniel: put

Nichole: it,

Daniel: socks.

Daniel: Oh no, you, you seem very certain of what you wanna say. As long as it's shit Daniel does, there's no hesitation, no stutters here

Nichole: anyways. Are we going into a new segment right now?

Daniel: Oh yeah. Not a new, new segment, but a, an old segment

Laurel: that's called

Daniel: Pip iop. AKA Poly in Public Invasion of Provi.

Laurel: Provi. today. We are talking about Dr. Phil and I was texting the amateur thread. Dr. Phil is obsessed with us,

Laurel: so obsessed with

Nichole: us because he had an entire show about non-monogamy. Mm-hmm. And polyamory. And then two months later had a podcast episode for his own podcast about the same goddamn thing, and didn't change his tune between in the months between, of course not.

Nichole: Yeah. It was like he didn't get enough traction during the like TV episode, so he was like, I gotta bring it again.

Laurel: Say this again. I think he was like, seriously hoping to like Provoke some kind of culture war.

Daniel: What it reminds me of first and foremost is like the war on Christmas dialogue, right.

Daniel: Of, well, it's not a dialogue, it's a rant. A monologue from the Right. Right. Where. He's like phrases. All of these episodes like, Has monogamy been murdered? Is it knifed? Is it fucking bleeding out in the alleyway? Are these fucking, poly freaks fucking us in our sleep when we don't even know about it?

Nichole: so we watched an episode called Is Monogamy Dead, the Truth about Polyamory and Non-Monogamy, you won't Believe the Stats. Oh my God. Um, in which he had. Um, first brought on his special correspondent, Chris Harrison.

Nichole: Now, now

Daniel: Chris Harrison looks terrified throughout this entire episode, and I can't tell whether or not one, it's because he is like uncomfortable and afraid of polyamory, the poly bogey man. Mm-hmm. Or whether he has fallen to such like a low level on the rungs of employment where he is now like, fucking Dr.

Daniel: Phil's Igor. if he loses this job? If he gets canceled again somehow like, if he loses this job, it's like fucking ice agent is the only fucking thing that he could go for.

Laurel: Yeah. I feel like he was trying really hard to be like. Like right Daddy, like, right. Yes. Am I right? That was the right take to have, like ignoring the total like cognitive dissonance of hosting an entire show that is based on non-monogamous dating.

Nichole: Yeah.

Nichole: Yeah. Also, I just love that, Dr. Phil positions him as like how many relationships are successful coming out of The Bachelor or The Bachelor at one two. We cannot forget that he was famously asked to leave, for defending the racist actions of a contestant on the season that featured the first Black Bachelor.

Nichole: First one, first one out the gate. It was a total fucking shit show. Ouch. so that's the guy that they sent out to interview three white ladies about

Laurel (2): what dating is like in 2025. Yeah. Which was weird. 'cause it was like, first I'm gonna interview these three women. . like they aren't practicing non-monogamy.

Laurel (2): Like, he was just like, no. Interviewing three women, random women. Yeah.

Daniel: They're, they're, they're not experts on anything. No, no. Like, at first, I thought that this was going to be the extent of it, is that he was going to interview people about polyamory who had heard about polyamory on the internet.

Laurel: I saw it on Instagram, so it must be a thing that's happening everywhere.

Nichole: Yeah. But all three of them, especially the millennial woman, the one who was older was like, yeah, but it's fine if people wanna do it.

Nichole: Like, yeah. She was like, it's not, it doesn't make me no nevermind. Like yeah. Who cares? Yeah. And so, I mean, it sets up this false dichotomy between marriage and that being the stalwart of monogamy. Yes. And that polyamory is somehow breaking down the institution of marriage and therefore monogamy. Yes. so he brings on a, throuple.

Nichole: I don't think they were even actually a throuple. I think he

Laurel: called them them a throuple. They're right, you're right, you're right. Yeah. They weren't, but they were actually just a triad. Just a triad. Yeah. But that's too, it's too much too, yeah.

Laurel: It's too complex for Mr. Phil.

Nichole (2): you had, the husband and wife Yeah. Team and then her partner Yeah. Who live with them. Yeah. And raise all of their kids together, and split the household duties evenly. Split the expenses evenly, and as much as they were for like, well, yeah, this is just how we live our lives and

Nichole (2): we're a normal family.

Nichole: Um,

Nichole (2): Economically. It just makes sense.

Laurel: Yes.

Nichole: Yeah.

Laurel: It's like a real three goal situation.

Nichole: It's a real

Daniel: three goal situation. And she actually tried having kids before, before the, uh, the triad and many of them just fell out of the house.

Daniel: Now this triad, seemed super successful. They seemed very sensible and I actually was a little shocked that the show gave them as wide of a birth as it did to represent themselves so positively mm-hmm. Where did the fuck, did they find this fucking triad? That's like, yes, we'll go on Dr.

Daniel: Phil. I know. I was like,

Laurel: I was actually trying to imagine us, like the three of us on Dr. Phil. That would be such a bad idea. Oh my God. But I imagine us just going on as puppets of ourselves.

Laurel: This is, oh my God. And this

Daniel: is what you visualize when you read, grab Life by the Claw. Yes. Yeah, that's

Laurel: exactly, exactly what I visualize. like Dr. Phil and Igor were trying really hard Igor they were not giving a good faith interview. No, they tried to Gotcha.

Laurel: At all. No, they, yeah, they were trying so hard to Gotcha. And like dropping those sort of like lame jokes,

Nichole: They talked about the beginning conversations about opening the marriage Yeah. Between the husband and wife. Yeah. And when she came to her husband and said, Dr. Phil grabbed onto that and said, see, you're not enough for her. Like she, yeah, she loves you, but it's not enough.

Daniel: But they, they kind of held their own for most of it. They did. They did. Yeah. The husband

Nichole: came back and he was like, And then the, uh, wife was like. Explained the concept of Compersion.

Nichole: Mm-hmm.

Daniel: Yeah. Dr. Phil had no response to that. again, this is my most tired metaphor, but I like to trot it out.

Daniel: It's like when Captain Kirk like tricks the, the computer and it's like it short circuits. Yes. Can't handle the paradox. Yeah. Right. Yeah. Like, they're just like, Moving on. Like, couldn't

Laurel: even.

Nichole: so they, they interview the, the triad. Dr.

Nichole: Phil's just like flummoxed. Igor is flummoxed and they can't understand like, well, but what if you break up?

Daniel: And to be fair, that is Dr. Phil's like shtick. this is the first Dr. Phil that I've ever watched, but I was able to figure out that he's the React guy. If this is a That's true. Yes. Yes. Yeah, he is.

Daniel: Yeah. And he's specifically a react guy in the style of like, your problematic aging, gout ridden father, not any of your specific fathers.

Laurel: Yes, yes, yes. Although I

Daniel: think we all do have aging, problematic gout ridden office. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Yeah. which is the, the, if I was going to choose like an archetype of man, that is the worst possible archetype of man to be a psychotherapist.

Daniel: Oh yeah.

Nichole: Is he even a real doctor? I don't think he's a, I don't think he's a real doctor.

Daniel: He must be.

Nichole: I don't think he's a real doctor.

Laurel: really all it takes to be a doctor is a lot of money and a lot of time.

Laurel: Is Dr. Phil. It just auto fills.

Daniel: What are the three other things that it auto fills with after? Is he a real doctor?

Laurel: First one is a real doctor. Is Dr. Phil divorced? Is Dr. Phil still on tv? Good questions.

Laurel: All right. Um, he is a clinical psychologist. He has a PhD in clinical psychology.

Daniel: Can you hold on to like your license to like practice psychotherapy? In a clinical setting, if you're like hawking fucking ivermectin in between your segments.

Laurel: Okay. This is just like a Reddit post, but apparently there's a whole thing on behind the bastards about it. Dr. Phil lost his license to practice psychology in 2006.

Laurel: Okay. And all guests on his TV show must sign a contract stating they're only there to receive quote advice from an individual, not a psychologist.

Daniel: So it's just like the People's Court

Laurel: also, he is not a psychiatrist. No, no. He got his PhD in clinical psychology. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. So he is, he's not a psychiatrist or an md. He's not a licensed psychologist.

Daniel: The ads on this thing made me think that they had a really stringent policy to only advertise for predatory companies.

Daniel: Like in Oh, for sure. In many different ways. There's like the credit card for people who can't get credit cards. There's the ivermectin emergency bundle kit. There's the invest in gold.

Laurel: Yep. I gotta say it's just a know your audience thing. It's like, what is the Dr. Phil Demographic?

Laurel: Yeah. Who watches the shit? People easily susceptible to scams.

Daniel: Yep.

Nichole: Yeah. The worst one was worst. The like powder pills that are like, the next time you have your family over, give them these pills. Wait, what do they do? You could, you could, it's got 19 fruit, fruits and vegetables in it.

Nichole: So when you're sitting in enjoying a meal, one of these bad boys and sprinkle it over your soup.

Nichole: Keep your family healthy, not by feeding the fruits.

Daniel: What have I been doing with my life? In the last few episodes I've discovered I should have been asking Nicole to do drunk voices.

Nichole: Yes. And

Daniel: apparently should have been asking her to do Dr. Phil Voices, which ends up nowhere near Dr. Phil, but like, are you talking about?

Daniel: But it is the most Muppet Nicole ever. This is,

Nichole: this is, oh my God is monogamy. Dad, you better believe

Nichole: who put in the grave. Not anyways. Oh my God. so he also features on this episode, oh my God, a relationship expert and a. Professor from Emory University, who is the four, the leading most professor on polyamory, non-monogamy, bdsm, LGBTQ plus studies.

Laurel: I cannot believe the audacity of anyone to call themselves a relationship expert.

Nichole: It was bold. So I did some research on that guy. Yeah. His name is Devon still? Mm-hmm. He was a, he's a former NFL player. Um,

Daniel: oh my

Nichole: fucking God. This

Daniel: is like the kind of jackass that they fucking bring to rah rah work meetings for like the, I'm a former NFL player.

Nichole: Yeah, he's a motivational speaker. Like that's what's

Daniel: on his website. Exactly, yes.

Nichole: So again, the positioning of relationship expert, one against like an actual doctor and professor who studied myriad volumes.

Nichole: And has interviewed myriad people on actual relationships. Yeah. Anything this guy was saying, which was, well, you have to work together, you know, to like, improve your relationship. Isn't that what the husband and wife team did before they started exploring polyamory? Yeah. Interesting. Yeah. They, they had a conversation just like you said, they should.

Nichole: Um, you have to show your kids, you know, what a loving relationship looks like. Huh. I'm pretty sure that's what the polyamorous people are doing. Yep. In a, in a home where they have three parents Yeah. That the kids can go to

Nichole: so anything the relationship experts said I was demonstrated wholeheartedly by this polyamorous couple. Nothing they did or had said, refuted anything, anything that he was saying.

Nichole: Yeah. and then the, professor from Emory, Dr. Phil came in with the, with the stat of like, well, 90% of those relationships fail

Daniel: And before she could actually respond to that, they just cut to commercial to fucking ivermectin or gold or whatever Jesus Christ there was like vindictive fucking editing where they just cut her off before she could actually respond.

Daniel: But also it's just bad editing because this entire clip or show. Whatever the fuck it is. It just ends with no credits, no anything. No see more anywhere else. It just ends abruptly

Nichole: I think something was weird with the titling and the clip.

Nichole: So what I sent you mm-hmm. Was like half an hour, right? Yeah, yeah. There's another like 10 minutes. Oh. Um, that is labeled Dr. Phil's podcast.

Laurel: wait, did you watch the last 10 minutes?

Laurel: I did, yes. How did it go? Yeah. Are they trying to bury it because they're like, oh, this makes polyamory look too good.

Nichole: Basically it ends with, you know, Dr. Phil's thoughts. My thoughts are your kids are gonna see polyamory on the social medias.

Daniel: I'm so glad that there's not a Dr. Phil Muppet.

Nichole: You gotta be careful what your kids see and that's it. Like, that's, that's really it is that like your kids will see this on social media, so, show them a loving home. You monogamous

Daniel: people. Dr. Phil is somebody who resents having, having to get out of his bed in the morning. They get him to wherever he's working on a fucking, disability scooter, which he does not need, They just kind of slop him onto the fucking stage he just seems so. Put upon by any life existing around him whatsoever.

Laurel: He's got like a Jetsons morning, but it's not like automated machinery. It's just like an assistant dragging him around. Yeah.

Nichole: Yeah. I mean it's, it's the weirdest like button on this whole argument that it's like marriage is dead because pe because young people are seeing this on social media.

Daniel: This is a dangerous time for polyamory podcasters.

Daniel: Like I never thought like a few years ago that I would be seeing people like on the common, like social media platforms, self-censoring words like sex, as though sex is a bad word. Gay. Yeah. As though gay is like Yeah. This sentiment of like Dr. Phil. Is some project 2025. Shit. It's like what Brett Chamberlain was talking about. Mm-hmm. Yeah. The idea that you need to protect the family.

Nichole: He took a while, left turn, and said something that was very surprising to me.

Nichole: So he starts talking about, you know, marriage, monogamy, being this, whatever, and he is concerned about birth rates because birth rates are so low and we need like 2.5 children basically to support the infrastructure that we have in the United States. Right. And then he said, that is why I am so pro-immigration.

Nichole: We need people here. And I was like, what? Whoa. Wow. Yeah. It was wild. I was not expecting him to say that at all.

Daniel: Is he only pro-immigration as like an absolute necessity versus polyamory?

Daniel: if we have to get more people.

Laurel: and he's

Nichole: pro-immigration, as long as there's somebody to drag him out of bed and get

Laurel: him,

Nichole: like,

Laurel: rinse him in the shower, pro him on a scooter, his,

Nichole: and hit the start, like the go button,

Daniel (2): his entire fucking PeeWee's Playhouse, , Rube Goldberg system is all fucking undocumented.

Daniel (2): Immigrants.

Laurel: Yes. Checks out. Yeah. Gee, you heard it here first folks. So Yeah, that was that. Oh, golly.

Daniel: Wow. I have another little cute pip eye op.

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: Yeah. So my partner Nancy, sent in a. Craigslist missed connections. Mm-hmm. To me, and ordinarily I wouldn't post this because it's probably been like bopping around the fucking, ethernet forever.

Nichole: Mm-hmm.

Daniel: no, this was posted within the last 24 hours, Portland missed connection and you are absolutely going to be able to tell that it is Portland. sexy couple walking cat at Hawthorne Asylum Food Cart Pod.

Nichole: Oh my God.

Daniel: That's the headline our eyes locked, fireworks happened, your cat loved me. It felt like we all had a connection.

Daniel: You both were a fan of my three pairs of sweatpants I was wearing at the same time. What, okay. That part worries me a little bit. Like, are they like different lengths? Is it like a, it hasn't

Laurel: been that cold out.

Daniel: Is it like a terrorist sweatpants

Nichole: situation? Terrorist sweatpants? Maybe they just wanted to like really be comfortable when they were sitting down.

Nichole: Like it does provide a lot of cushioning. That's

Daniel: true. Or are like the other pairs of sweatpants besides the central, the primary sweatpants. Are they tied, like people used to tie sweaters around their neck?

Nichole: Uhhuh.

Daniel: onward.

Daniel: I loved both of your lower back tattoos. Oh God. We talked about paint balling and miniature dioramas. Let's get together and do that thing with the peanut butter. We discussed what? Please respond. I was so into it. Is this a joke? I don't know. Like, it does seem that if somebody was going to write a satirical, poly oriented reverse unicorn hunting, Craigslist missed connection ad.

Daniel: This would probably be it. Yeah. Like it's in its ideal platonic form

Nichole: yeah.

Daniel: but I don't know. It also is super specific. Like, it's like, can you make up something that that is this specific

Laurel: one? Yes, you can.

Nichole: That's how you know it's a lie. If it's super specific

Daniel: Does it feel real?

Laurel: I'm still stuck in the world in which one person is wearing three layers of sweatpants, but two people have their lower backs exposed. That's exactly what I was thinking

Nichole: actually. Right. I was like,

Nichole: mean, I have seen people walking cats for sure. Yeah,

Daniel: yeah,

Nichole: I don't know if this is real or not.

Daniel: I mean, the thing with the peanut butter is the, is that, I don't like that. It's that confusing advertising thing. I don't like that, that like I was talking about, like, I can't, I can't stop thinking about it.

Laurel: It's not sexual. The thing with the peanut butter,

Laurel: It's meant to be

Nichole: like like this is how you know it's me. Yeah. If the three sweatpants didn't get you, and the fact that your cat loved me didn't get you, and we talked about dioramas, you probably talk about dioramas all the time with like with everybody, other people, so, you know, but just I'm special because we talked about peanut butter.

Daniel: Remember the peanut butter?

Nichole: I guess it's not our job to decide whether or not this is real. We just know that if this didn't happen in real life, it happened in someone's mind and that qualifies as poll in public invasion of pro privacy

Daniel: in someone's mind.

Daniel: Somewhere someone is always wearing three pairs of sweatpants and hitting on somebody with a cat.

Nichole: Yeah,

Daniel: on a leash.

Nichole: That's how that works. I hope that they wrote back. Yeah. If it is real. I hope they wrote back.

Daniel: I wrote to them and asked them if they wanted to be interviewed on the podcast.

Nichole: No, you

Daniel: didn't. I totally did.

Daniel: Oh my God.

Laurel: Do you have more candy coming? There are some high chews in the pocket of my coat upstairs,

Daniel: there's jelly beans upstairs.

Laurel: I'm not really a jellybean person.

Daniel: You're out.

Laurel: I think we've talked about this before. I think there was a day where I was just saying disappointing things to Nicole and Jelly Beans.

Laurel: Not being a Jellybean fan was one of them.

Daniel: I'll just, I'll just do a little Yeah. Rock and sock and robots. Yeah. We're good. To overcome my hunger. Overcome the hunger. The hunger for what? The hunger for the mailbag. Yeah. Is that our next segment? Yeah. what's it called?

Laurel: DM. Sliders. Here's a tiny hamburger made of mail,

Nichole: So DM sliders is when we read your mail that you've sent to us.

Nichole: we also share, , some reviews that we've gotten

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: On the Apple Podcasts.

Daniel: And like if you put up a flyer about us, would probably read that.

Laurel: Probably read that. I'm just saying if you put up a flyer about us in the Mississippi neighborhood, I would probably find it.

Daniel: Just saying. Just saying, just saying.

Daniel: I mean, this is all about the voice of the stupids. Like any way that you talk to us, like we probably. We'll share it.

Nichole: We'll give you a platform.

Daniel: Yeah.

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: Unless it's completely indecipherable, which we have also received. Correct. So if you end up not hearing your mail, it's probably 'cause we didn't understand what you were trying to say.

Nichole: Yeah. Try

Daniel: again.

Nichole: if you would like to leave a review, please go to Apple Podcasts. Go to the Poly amateur page on Apple Podcasts.

Nichole: Scroll all the way down and tap five stars. Five stars only, and. Leave a review. It doesn't have to say really much of anything. I think we got, we have a couple that are like two words. we're just at, it just helps you, you

Daniel: always say this like, you don't want to impose on our stewards Stuss. I know that you have a lot of shit to say.

Laurel: I like the one that says, uh, like, cruises suck, but this podcast is good. Or something.

Daniel: we were gonna read that one. Oh

Laurel: shit. Sorry.

Daniel: Well, let's start out with, okay. A, uh, a little review from Apple Podcasts from Bunny, reci, Rach, and it says Five stars. Cruises are awful, but these folks are pretty funny.

Nichole: It took that person 10 seconds to write that. Yeah. That's all you gotta do. And they did exactly what you wanted. Exactly.

Daniel: They agreed with me

Daniel: Next time though, the next time we're gonna read a review, it's going to be the one that's like 500 words and it's all about my God production skills. Just saying

Laurel: can also email us at poly amateur hour@gmail.com.

Nichole: we received this email, and. It, it just really, touched me. and it was very kind. So, from Stewart, hello. I just wanted to reach out and say hello to you all.

Nichole: I went to middle school and high school with Nicole. I'm so happy to have seen her. Parentheses. You, I don't know who I'm talking to. Do, do. Ah, how do you think, how do you think we feel? Close parent. At the reunion, he saw me at the reunion. She told me about the podcast and I started listening. Love Your Dynamic and Laughter.

Nichole: As a younger man, I tested the water of the potty.

Daniel: Oh, well that's some pretty kinky play. I mean, we usually don't discuss that. Shut up.

Nichole: Shut up. Okay. As a younger man, I tested the water of the poly world, but wasn't mature enough to handle all the pitfalls that come with it. Mainly the acceptance of friends and family with more traditional views.

Nichole: Just wanted to say thank you for your part in normalizing ENM. And again, I'm so happy to see Nicole is thriving and living her best life. Keep on potting and I'll keep listening. Aw, stupid. It was very sweet. yes, this is a person who's known me for 20 plus years, 25 years. I mean, yeah, we went to middle school and high school together.

Nichole: it was delightful to see him again. I wrote him back and said, oh my God, thank you so much. And then he had a couple things to say about you two us,

Daniel: you should really ditch that dead weight. You know, you're the star of this vehicle. You're going places.

Nichole: He said, please tell Daniel I regret not meeting him. And he's an incredibly creative and talented musician and a skilled pun artist.

Nichole: Mm. Um, skilled puny. Daniel wasn't invited to the reunion, so Yeah. Yeah.

Daniel: Specifically because of the puns?

Nichole: No. Specifically because of the $75 price tag that was per ticket. Oh God. Yeah. Yeah.

Daniel: this is, this is where polyamory really is. An economic hindrance. Yeah. Yeah. You have to buy per ticket.

Nichole: Yeah. please tell Lauren, Lori JK Laurel, son of a bitch.

Nichole: She has the most infectious laugh and seems like a very nurturing, caring, empathetic person. What empathetic is in all caps?

Daniel: Well, it's because we are notoriously the anti. empath. Yes. Podcast.

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: For the record, we're okay with people being empathetic. We're just not okay with them being empaths and like, or claiming empathy.

Daniel: It's, it's only my, like, it's on my top five of the shittiest things that you can describe yourself with. Yes. Right up there with like old soul ha

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: Yeah.

Nichole: And I agree with her bone to pick when she said fuck your therapy. Yeah. In response to others' virtue signaling.

Laurel: Yeah.

Laurel: Thank you. I like that we had one, a green with Nicole and one a green with me. Do we have one that's agree with you, Daniel?

Laurel: No. No. '

Daniel: cause I'm just always playing the devil's advocate. Oh God. I'm trying to, I'm trying to push the hot button issues. If they're agreeing with me, I'm not doing my job.

Daniel: I don't know where this shock jock voice came from.

Laurel: It's like the same one you've used for some of those unicorn Hunter, hunter profiles.

Nichole: My penis name is Stallion. Yeah. He absolutely has a YouTube channel.

Nichole: Thank you Stewart. It does mean a lot to me. Thank you so much for like writing in it. It, it was, very kind of you to take the time. and it does mean a lot to me because you have known me for so long. and you knew me back when I was just a wee lass.

Nichole: Just, just insecure inside and out. Aw. Like, just not very happy. and. It means a lot to me that somebody sees me for who I am today. Aw,

Daniel: you were like just a little tadpole that grew into a swan

Laurel: this week on Daniel's biology. What a miracle of nature.

Daniel: You know, swan's are really mean.

Daniel: Oh my god. Fucking bite. Have you seen the teeth on that swan?

Daniel: Do swans

Laurel: of teeth.

Nichole: They have like razor like bills, razor beak that like have razor in them. Beaks

Laurel: razor beak.

Nichole: Oh, that's my, roller derby name. Ooh. Razor

Daniel: beak.

Laurel: Ooh, I like

Daniel: it. It's gonna be your new pet name in the uh, in the collection.

Nichole: Yep.

Daniel: Yep. Baby snakes, baby snakes. Razor beak.

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: Yeah.

Nichole: Two, not like cuddly, warm things.

Nichole: I dunno. Snakes are pretty

Laurel: cute.

Daniel: If there's one thing that we should remember, though, you are not a kind, empathetic, warm person who is easily won over.

Nichole: All right. Do we have one more?

Daniel: Oh, yes we do. Okay. Now this is a very special piece of mail

Daniel: because if you recall just a few weeks, months, years, what even is. Time ago we sent out the call for our stews to write in with their own hockey smut.

Laurel: Oh my God. One, I am so pleased and tickled that we. Received some original stupid made hockey smut.

Nichole: Yeah.

Laurel: But also the number of you who responded with recommendations for hockey smut

Daniel: and the same hockey smut and

Laurel: the same hockey smut.

Laurel: I'm like, what the fuck have I been missing?

Daniel: So, so the book that apparently is very poly adjacent that everybody is recommending is called Pucking Around.

Laurel: Yeah. So I gotta read some Pucking around now. And we're gonna have to do an Is this poly for it? Sorry. Gotta read hockey smile.

Nichole: So this was in response to a monogamy.

Nichole: Are you okay? About a husband who was baffled by his wife's love of hockey and like intimidated and insecure about her relationship with her friend who was also into hockey.

Daniel: Oh, you know what, still haven't fucking heard from Canada about this. This was also, god

Nichole: dammit, Canada.

Daniel: Like we specifically asked Canada, you had

Laurel: one job, you had one fucking job.

Laurel: Everyone who has responded as far as I know,

Daniel: oh, wait. Oh wait, what we do. But, but they didn't knowingly respond as a Canadian. I don't think they listened to the episode. No,

Laurel: no What happened? And,

Laurel: I had mentioned in conversing with Alex Alberto about an upcoming episode with them.

Laurel: Mm-hmm. and having to do reading. I brought up hockey smut. Mm-hmm. And they're like, oh, have you read Pucking around God?

Nichole: Yeah. Alex is like,

Nichole: there are one tie to Canada, which is insane because we have Canadian listeners who just refuse to get ahold of us.

Nichole: Anyways, we received some hockey smut.

Daniel: That's right. The original hockey smut.

Nichole: Yep.

Daniel: So

Nichole: The barn was cold breath hanging in the air, but the four of them were shoulder to shoulder on the bench. Too close for it to matter.

Nichole: Sticks in their hands. Beers balanced on the boards. Eyes sharper than they let on blitz. Leaned back, smirk, tugging.

Daniel: Alright, what's the flirtiest move on the ice

Nichole: chirp. Didn't even blink.

Laurel: Eye contact in warmups. Hold it. Skate bus. Slow.

Daniel: Snipe shook their head. Nah. Dropping the gloves and winking instead of swinging gets the blood going. Buzz's laugh was low.

Laurel: Wrong. Flirtiest moves a clean tape job tight. Perfect. Like you actually cared how it felt in the hand.

Nichole: Blitz tipped their bottle toward them.

Daniel: That's not flirting. That's foreplay.

Daniel: Oh, I'm also snipe.

Laurel: I don't remember foreplay.

Daniel: Snipe, foreplay Snipe. Cut in is a saucer pass you didn't even call for. Didn't need to already know you wanted it.

Nichole: Buzz leaned forward grinning.

Laurel: better. One, two line mates. Reach for your chin strap at the same time.

Laurel: Don't even gotta ask.

Nichole: Chirps eyes flicked between the three of them. Call

Laurel: that

Nichole: chemistry Snipe

Daniel: Bench management. Buzz Load management

Nichole: The silence that fell afterward was heavy in the best way. Each tap of a stick against the floor, every shift of weight made the space feel smaller. Closer. The air vibrated with unsaid words. Teasing promises in motion blitz. Let a slow grin creep back,

Daniel: flirty move, hold the puck a second too long and make them chase it.

Nichole: They all let the silence hang. Crooked smiles and lingering glances, hearts thumping a little faster. The barn cold a second ago was suddenly too small for all the heat it held.

Daniel: Fuck you, Stu,

Daniel: you cut off. Just when I'm getting like a, you know, the, you know, like the, the hockey stick chart that they talk about and it's going up, if you know what I'm saying.

Laurel: Uhhuh? Yeah. Uhhuh.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: What's happening?

Nichole: Hockey smut.

Laurel: Hockey smut.

Daniel: Hockey smut. You said it three times and now I have a

Nichole: beard.

Nichole: Stu, do you think you can do better than that? Ooh, yeah. Do you like this voice that I'm using? If you wanna hear it more? You have to write in.

Daniel: This is how we get people on our Patreon.

Laurel: Yes. Alright folks.

Daniel: All right folks. We're gonna put out a call now for more smut.

Nichole: More smut. Should we expand the genre of smut?

Daniel: Yes. I think we can't take any more hockey smut because our pants would overflow with,

Nichole: oh God.

Daniel: Should we, should we choose?

Daniel: Should we choose a new category?

Nichole: trying to think of all, we're rubbing my

Daniel: hands audibly. Yeah. Can you hear? Can you hear this? I'm trying to think of like the different Mr. Burns in it.

Nichole: the different running jokes that we have. Yeah.

Daniel: How about some smut about the Jew tangle?

Daniel: I

Nichole: feel like that

Daniel: could go south. That is south. Dangerous territory. That is

Nichole: not a good idea. No,

Laurel: only

Daniel: Jews can

Laurel: write in for this one. Only Berts can write in or,

Daniel: or all you people with like the weird, uncomfortable erotic fixation about Jewish men. That's all right, too. The Berts.

Nichole: Um, what else do we have? Uh I don't wanna say cream pie, Charlie,

Nichole: but I feel like he, he keeps popping up.

Daniel: He already already said it and it's escaped your mouth.

Daniel: Alright. But if you're gonna write in erotica about cream pie, Charlie. And sometimes referred to as Charlie Cream Pie. We're not really consistent about that. Oh yeah. Kinda a little back and forth, whatever. A little all over the place. if you're gonna write some Charlie Cream pie slash cream pie, charlie slash fiction, You have to honor the cannon. Charlie Cream Pie runs a cream pie shop down by the she shore. She shore. He should, has an en uh, an relationship

Daniel: with his, with his place of

Laurel: business and is really concerned about his pro.

Laurel: Oh my God. Is he still, is he still an anthropomorphized

Daniel: cream pie? I remember this experience like at a restaurant where I am regretting my order.

Laurel: Oh God. I also had an idea.

Nichole: Oh, oh yeah.

Laurel: What about some erotic fanfic about Dr. Phil's secret non-monogamous life?

Daniel: Yes. No, no. I draw the line.

Laurel: No, no,

Daniel: I'm, you don't want

Nichole: me

Daniel: to read it on?

Nichole: No, that sounds

Laurel: like Charlie Green pie. No, it doesn't. No,

Nichole: no

Laurel: it doesn't. That was Dr. Phil Flix. If, if you write in, Nicole will read it in her, Dr.

Laurel: Phil.

Nichole: So Stu, you either get this voice. Or you

Daniel: get

Nichole: this one

Nichole: or this one?

Nichole: You like us now, I guess leave a review.