Nichole: Scientists don't know what it is, so they call it the bloop. It's like the wow signal from SETI.

Daniel: This is under, This is under the sea.

Nichole: The bloop is under the sea. The wow signal is up in space. It's very obvious that

I was raised by a dude who doesn't believe in God, but he believes in aliens, .

Song: Talkin bout love and sex and power, All our polyamateur hour.

Daniel: I mean,

Daniel: Under sea, aliens are the coolest aliens.

Daniel: Like the ones from uh, the abyss the, the uh, glowy, goopy ones.

Nichole: We know less about the ocean than we do about the moon. It's insane.

Laurel: We don't know what's down

Nichole: there.

Laurel: Yeah. We have no idea. When did they find the bloop?

Nichole: Oh, I don't know. 2004.

Daniel: Why isn't there like a sci fi movie about the bloop just called the bloop?

Nichole: Because that title alone would not get people in the door.

Laurel: Don't people like, make B movies intentionally now? They do. Yeah. They do? It's a thing. I have a great

Nichole: one. Oh. Blupinado?

What is it called? called?

Nichole: It's a, Velociraptor and a priest. Oh, i've heard of this. Do you know what i'm talking about? I've heard of it.

Daniel: Is it a love story?

Nichole: I hope so. I have to google it. Hold on because the title is great.

Laurel: Yeah,

Nichole: I feel like i've been told to watch

Laurel: this before.

Daniel: Oh, this is good. Nicole is googling something.

Daniel: It's another chance to use the egg timer sound effect.

Laurel: I feel like you could use the egg timer sound effect like between Between Trying to say something

Daniel: just the text starts whatever you hesitate. When

Laurel: I pause for a moment to try and remember what I was talking about.

Laurel: If you're talking to me in person, you realize it's just like the bloop.

Daniel: Very long. Very long. Wait, what does the bloop sound like again?

Nichole: But

Nichole: Okay. The title of this film, which I'm sure listeners were like, it's right there, you fucking idiot. When I mentioned Velociraptor and a priest, Velocipaster. Wait, is it, or they're one in the same? The Velociraptor is the priest. I don't know if a priest and a pastor are the same thing. Again, raised by a dude who doesn't believe in God, but believes in aliens.

Nichole: But yeah,

Daniel: he believes in dinosaurs, right?

Nichole: Oh, yes.

Nichole: So yeah there is a pastor who can turn into a velociraptor and it's made for laughs. Yeah. But even when we were watching it, my best friend and I were punching it up. Giving the script notes.

Daniel: Um, You guys, I have a confession.

Oh yeah?

Daniel: I feel like last week, I was a little drunk with power with the soundboard. Oh. Yeah.

Nichole: Oh god.

Daniel: Wait. That

Nichole: was not on the soundboard.

Daniel: That was actually, that was live, folks. I'm

Nichole: just thinking about, I haven't edited that episode yet, and just

Nichole: like.

Um, so for today's episode, I'm going to cede control of the soundboard to uh, come on anybody take authority away from me before I crash the podcast car.

Laurel: If I do it, Nicole's going to hate it just as much. I feel like you would use it with discretion. Yeah, I am more judicial. But, okay, I feel like this should be a segment. There should be a segment that's like, like relational theory or like hot takes. Because we've talked we've talked about the Chaos Muppet Theory.

Laurel: There's the Order Muppet and the Chaos Muppet.

Daniel: I don't think we've talked about it on the podcast. just talk about it every day in real life. We just talk about it every day. Yeah. There are Chaos Muppets and Order Muppets on the show. The primary examples, I think, would be Kermit is an Order Muppet.

Daniel: Miss Piggy is a Chaos Muppet. Bert's a Chaos Muppet. Order Muppet, Ernie is a Chaos Muppet, and that whenever anybody gets in a relationship or just interacts with another person, one person assumes the role of the Chaos Muppet and the other assumes the role of the Order Muppet. But you could switch up, you're not always a Chaos Muppet in every relationship.

Daniel: Depending on who you're interacting with, you, you switch. Everybody's a Chaos Order Muppet switch, unless you find those rare people who are just always Chaos Muppets. You managed to.

Laurel: They're the only relationships in which I am the order Muppet is just with perpetual chaos Muppets.

Nichole: I feel like I'm always the order Muppet. Really? With whom am I a chaos Muppet?

Nichole: See, y'all had to think about it.

Laurel: Yeah. I don't know. But I haven't seen you a lot in relation with your other partners.

Nichole: My other partners? But even my other friends.

Daniel: All right. This is a challenge. We're going to find, we're going to, we're on

Laurel: the hunt for Nicole's order Muppet.

Daniel: So if anybody is interested in

Laurel: applying for the position of Nicole's order Muppet.

Daniel: Yeah. Just. What's the job description? Let's see. You have to be really organizational. You have to bring out the wild side of Nicole, like it's going to, you got to be able to make her want to create hijinks and chaos in a given situation.

Daniel: Email polyamateur hour at gmail. com.

Laurel: Or DM us on Instagram at polyamateur hour. Great. Good luck with that. I'm actually kind of excited about this. This is my, This is my first time. It was my birthday yesterday, and this is my new mission for my 39th year around the sun, is to find an order muppet for Nicole.

Laurel: I feel like it would be a really healthy thing, actually.

Daniel: I'm a little worried. What if it brings out the gremlin in her? What if she transforms? There's,

Laurel: A fissure in the earth up here. Spoke rises out of it.

Laurel: And we find the most repressed, demonic version of Nicole crawling out of it.

Laurel: I am right here.

Nichole: And I like how we're 30 seconds into this new challenge you've already decided that's a problem. I don't meant I'm going to end up some kind of demonic entity.

Nichole: No, there's just a version of you that lives in the core of the earth. Oh, it's just that? Yeah.

Daniel: It makes a sound like this. Oh

my god, it's the bloop at the bottom of the ocean.

I am the bloop. That's why you're so good at imitating it. We should have known.

Oh god.

Daniel: Welcome to Polyamateur Hour. You know, I realize we never introduce ourselves. We're very dedicated to like, the cold open.

Laurel: Oh yeah, and we're like, fuck the rest of it. In media

Daniel: res. Um, I'm Daniel.

Laurel: I'm Nicole. And I'm Laurel.

Daniel: I hear that you Nicole may have a crazy sexy poly story

Song: Music, sexy, call me

Nichole: I do I have a crazy, sexy Polly story.

Daniel: Ooh. Oh, I feel the chaos muppet coming out already.

Nichole: I saw steam rise from the earth. Yeah, just you wait.

Nichole: Um, This chaos involves tears. Aw. As I have alluded to over several episodes in A couple of my relationships, I definitely give the power to the other person. And I take away their agency and don't let them tell their own story and decide things for them. With one of my partners

Nichole: I decided quite arbitrarily that he did not have the same feelings for me that I did for him. Classic. Yeah.

Nichole: Um,

Daniel: I mean, Specifically, I think that you thought um, he's like, well, she's kind of hot. I like having her around.

Nichole: Yeah, I did. I really, I was looking for all the signs to reduce this to like a fuck buddy situation.

Nichole: And I went over there and. He could tell immediately something was wrong. And I tried to be cool. And I was not cool.

Nichole: What does that look like? Uh, Keeping my sunglasses on. Inside. Yes. No, for real, I didn't make eye contact with him for a full two minutes. Um, So I very poorly. Told him how I was feeling and I didn't, you know what? I didn't even tell him how I was feeling. I, I told him what I was doing. I, I centered it on action and I said, Hey, I am telling your story for you and I am doing a very cool girl act where I am acting like I'm very cool with everything that is happening.

Nichole: And to an extent I am, and I have feelings for you. And I don't think, I'm deciding that you don't have feelings for me. So it was I didn't want to have this conversation and I ended up having the conversation. I don't know that I did it gracefully. And instead of saying, sorry, I just said, thank you several times.

Daniel: Which is a good like practice philosophically, but as a um, as a non sequitur, it can, can be a little, a little shocking. Thank you.

Nichole: It wasn't that either way. I, he shared some things that were very illuminating to me. I shared some things that I think were illuminating to him and we we landed on the same page.

Nichole: Like we do. Both like each other and we expressed that and I walked away from it feeling much better Yeah, and then had a severe emotional hangover the next day. Oh, yeah but I as much as I like talk a big game about like being honest with your partners and sharing your vulnerability It was really fucking difficult for me because it is very comfortable for me to decide that other people do not like me the way that I like them.

Nichole: It is it makes it very easy for me to start to back out and not have to get my heart broken because I just decide that somebody doesn't like me the way that I like them. And then my brain eventually believes that.

Yeah. Yeah. I

Daniel: mean, I think you left out the best part of this story.

Nichole: What?

Daniel: How I told you exactly what was going on before this entire conversation took place.

Nichole: Damn it! Fuck me. Okay. Yeah, okay. I just Again, this was like, this was midday. I come upstairs from my office to talk to Daniel and I'm telling him how like, yeah, this guy doesn't like me the way that I like him and I should probably just break up with him tonight. Um,

Daniel: Doing a little crying in advance.

Daniel: Good little

Nichole: pre cry. Yeah. Yeah, pre cry. And Daniel said you have no idea what he's thinking and also you do this all the time with everything. You decide that you're gonna get fired. You decide that somebody doesn't like you. You decide the worst possible scenario and I don't think that's what's happening here.

Nichole: And I kept saying yes it is. And you don't know him. And then I was wrong and Daniel was right.

Daniel: Do we have a soundboard? Can we put that on the soundboard?

Laurel: Yes, it is. And you don't know him or Daniel was right. Yeah, I was

Daniel: wrong. Daniel was right.

Laurel: I don't think we're going to use that button that much. I mean, We can put it on there.

Laurel: I just, we'll end up replacing it in a couple weeks. Dusty.

Daniel: I just felt really good about. Like, um, paying off my uh, my bad jealousy karma in other situations. Where I'm like, I'm gonna facilitate sharing of feelings and love between my wife and her boyfriend.

Nichole: Say it again. It's not boyfriend.

Nichole: Uh,

Daniel: Nicole thinks boyfriend is more serious than partner.

Oh, interesting. Why is that weird?

Laurel: I don't know, I like, I think of them on equal footing, I don't know, I use them interchangeably. Boyfriend, girlfriend, partner.

Nichole: I consider boyfriend girlfriend more serious than partner. Because you, Laurel, have been Daniel has described you as his girlfriend. Yeah. And you two are very serious. Yeah. And

Nichole: We know who the chaos Muppets are, Oh, that's why I brought that up in the first place.

Nichole: But so I just, I don't know to me that resonates like that you two are very serious and he is your boyfriend and you were his girlfriend and this person, I'm going to go back into the hole. Like I no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, That seems very sad and I don't know that we'll ever get there.

Daniel: Now, a moment of mourning and silence for the relationship doomed before launch,

I

Daniel: use boyfriend, girlfriend, when I'm feeling more playful and I use partner when I'm, I don't know, speaking more formally, I guess when I'm, I usually.

Daniel: When I'm explaining it to other people, I say partner. Um, One, because it also telegraphs queerness in a bit of a way, and maybe telegraphs polyamory more than boyfriend girlfriend, too. Like, If I'm talking to somebody, And I mention my girlfriend, they are, and they're normie, they're gonna be like, Oh, did you get a divorce?

Daniel: Where if I say partner, they'll be just confused in a whole other way.

Laurel: They're like, oh, what business venture are you starting? I use girlfriend when I want people to know I'm queer.

Daniel: Oh, that, cause that might, cause, yeah. Cause

Laurel: I'm, yeah. I'm defining my partner's gender. I, but I do think I use. I use boyfriend girlfriend.

Laurel: Yeah, when I'm being like more play. I think similar like when I'm being more playful or like referring like inside the polycule Mostly I say if someone's doing negative self talk, I'm like don't talk to my boyfriend that way like

Yeah,

Laurel: that kind of thing. But usually yeah if I'm describing If I'm talking to somebody outside of my polycule, whom I don't need to telegraph my queerness to, I will just say partner.

Daniel: Oh, hey. Is this a opportunity for Normie Corner?

Song: I said when you got a question and you just don't know, you go to Nomekona, Nomekona. Define your basic terms so you can personally grow, you go to Nomekona, Nomekona.

Laurel: Oh yeah, what do you want to explain to the normies and

Daniel: the noobs? Polycule. Oh,

Laurel: yeah.

Daniel: We've never explained that term. Explained polycule. It's

Laurel: been brought to our attention by some listeners, because we have listeners that are we have very kind, sweet people in our lives that are not Non monogamous or not ethically non monogamous or not polyamorous who listen to our to her podcast And they're like, what the fuck are you guys talking about?

Laurel: Yeah, so a polycule My definition, I guess, is like the greater like relational extended network of the people I'm dating and the people that they're dating.

Daniel: I think an interesting thing to note is that Apol isn't a static list or Yeah.

Daniel: A, a network that is the same for everyone in the molecule. Yeah. Your polycule is different than my polycule, even though we are in the same polycule.

Laurel: Even though there's a Venn diagram of our polycules that overlaps?

Nichole: I consider it like a constellation. Oh yeah, that's a better image. There are several points in the sky and you can connect them in different configurations, but explain to the listener how your polycule is different from Laurel's polycule.

Daniel: My polycule is pretty much right now, you two. I have a three person polycule. I don't consider partners of partners necessarily to be in my

Laurel: Oh, poque.

Daniel: I don't know.

Laurel: Interesting.

Daniel: Like maybe, I guess I think of, I, I guess I use the term greater poque when I am thinking .

Daniel: .

Daniel: When I am, when I'm talking about the constellations that are connected with other people, right?

Laurel: Oh, so my poque would be your greater poque.

Daniel: Yeah, you're, my polycule once removed.

Laurel: I don't think we're explaining this. I think we've made it more confusing. Yeah. It's a very visual thing to me. Like the constellation is a good.

Daniel: The constellation is a good one if you imagine a world of polyamorous constellations where Ursa Major is also part of the Big Dipper and also part of the um, you know, where there's overlap between the constellations. Yes, that's

Laurel: exactly it, yes. And we're each a star in the sky. Some of us maybe we're galaxies far off and that's where I come in.

Laurel: Laurel's far out. I'm far out.

Daniel: I want Ursa Major in my polycule. Okay. The bears out there.

Aww.

Right to polyamateur hour. Can that be my mission for girls? For my birth, your mission. 39th year? Yeah.

Daniel: Yeah, we're supposed to find me a boyfriend, right?

Daniel: Oh,

Laurel: yeah, okay. Find Daniel a boyfriend, find Nicole an order muppet. I'm just cruisin this year, though. This year I give back to my community.

Laurel: So that's a polycule.

Nichole: Hope that clarifies. Do we have

Laurel: a question this week?

Song: If you got questions, don't demur, it's time to ask the amateurs.

Laurel: We do have a question this week. It's a little bit of a longer one, so I'll try and emphasize parts we remember. What advice do you have for someone who is actively polyamorous with a pretty full life? So they have partners, friends, hobbies. A child work in schooling. So they're doing a lot. They're also currently partnered with multiple people, but yearning for a type of relationship that isn't an option with exists with existing romances.

Laurel: I love the relationships I have, but I also want a nesting partner. Okay. So they have committed relationships, but they also want to be living with somebody and that's not an option with the partners that they currently have. How do I be true to the lovers in my life and also pursue this desire?

Nichole: Pursuing, pursuing that desire how does that affect your other relationships? If nesting with them is not an option, it doesn't necessarily mean that they are demoted, quote unquote, in any way. It just means that you are also bringing in this other person who is going to take energy and time and resources.

Nichole: That might affect your current relationships, but I'm curious what they're necessarily like, what they're

Laurel: getting at as far as, What are they worried about? Yeah. Cause usually questions come in place of Oh, I'm concerned about, and it sounds like they're concerned about not being able to honor their current relationships if they introduce another one with a nesting element to it.

Daniel: Just because Stubert feels overwhelmed in this situation Already doesn't mean that they're going to, I think, feel. more overwhelmed with a nesting partner. I think.

Nichole: Is that also a concern that they would feel additional overwhelm?

Daniel: That's what I was uh, kind of extrapolating from it.

Daniel: I think that the time that you spend with a nesting partner fills up all the nooks and crannies. Of your life, like it's not are you going to say something? Are you just going to say something dirty, Nicole? No,

no, I was just imagining

Nichole: our relationship

as like a waffle and syrup.

It's

Nichole: yeah, like our house is the waffle and our time together is the syrup.

Daniel: Oh, if you're not, if you haven't experienced it before and I don't know whether they have or not really been in this situation. Like, It just envelops you. It's like part of And it becomes so second nature. I don't feel like I have less time now since me and Nicole have been cohabitating if anything, I feel like I have a little bit more because, you know, she does all the housework.

Just kidding.

Daniel: This is not true. No, but you also have somebody to support, you know, you know, like to kind of take things. Off your plate, like it's, it's, it's a different kind of a relationship for sure, because it's like, um, it involves a lot more, like, practical, reciprocal um, Action, not just presence and connectivity, and I think that you will find that.

Daniel: And I'm talking to this person like, I've never lived with another human before in my life. I have no idea. But my experience has been that support and that reciprocity and that presence makes me feel more available. And feels like it even gives me more time somehow.

Nichole: I agree

Nichole: we still make time for each other. We still have the moments where we are connected and present and We also have the ancillary moments where we're both doing chores, or like doing our own thing in different rooms, but that still feels like time spent together.

Daniel: Yeah. Even when I'm not going to a Nicole concert, there is Nicole ambient music playing

Laurel: at

Daniel: all times in the home.

Laurel: I feel like, Okay, two things. One, maybe mini normie corner.

Song: I said, all the

Song: cool kids with the real sick perm they go to Nor corner. Nor corner. That's where we define our basic glossary of terms down at nor corner nor corner.

Laurel: Nesting partner is just what we call cohabiting with a partner for some reason in the poly world. Um, I think it's, it's a way to extract implicit hierarchy out of it. Like just because you live with someone doesn't mean they're necessarily more important than anybody else in your life.

Laurel: But the second thing is I think you're bringing up a little bit of The poly exchange we've talked about this before, where a lot of people, we tend to get in this mindset of like more partners, more work, but we forget about the part where our partners take care of us and then free us up emotionally or physically or whatever for other parts of life.

Laurel: So there is I feel like we tend to think about Oh, yeah, if I have another partner. This is just, yeah, a chunk of resources that is gone, but we don't think about the resources that they give back to us in those situations.

Daniel: It's interesting. It's like the same kind of jealousy dynamic that we were talking about the other week, but like applied to yourself like, I'm like, I'm jealous.

Daniel: So I'm going to be jealous of myself for having other partners. Like, well, It's just looking at, you're looking at, You know, like, you have a finite number, you know, amount of resource, right? Like, I was, I was doing that with, with you a few weeks ago where I was

like, Oh, if you get another partner, then that's one third exactly of your time that will be subtracted.

Daniel: This is the voice that I speak in whenever I'm acting jealous. Yeah, it's wild. It's

fucking

Daniel: weird. But right, this is like that internalized where it's

what

Daniel: if

I get another partner? What if I get another partner? Then I can't do

Nichole: blah blah blah with so and so. I mean there are direct exchanges, right?

Nichole: Yeah. You are going to have to put the energy into finding this person, one. And I think number one is, if you are going to date other people or seek out other people to date, you have to be very upfront with what it is that you want. And if a nesting partner is what you want, you do have to say it.

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: And that is scary. That's scary as fuck. If you don't have the capacity for another partner that is not a nesting partner, you do have to say it. Yeah,

Laurel: yeah, that is very true. That's like a weird area for me because I have a I, I can't date with those kinds of intentions because I know they're just going to get screwed up. It's what if I end up falling in love with this person, but I don't want to cohabitate with them.

Laurel: But then it's okay, but I got to kick them out now because they're not filling the niche I want to fill. That's hard for me to wrap my head around. Not as difficult for other people, I feel like. Some people are like, no I'm, my cup is full here, and if you're not, I'm gonna fill this one place that I need filled then this isn't gonna work out.

Laurel: Heh. And you tryoh, we gottayou're putting my I was doing my sex laugh.

Daniel: Yeah. Heh. We're gonna need a bigger soundboard. Heh heh Heh

Laurel: heh Heh. Yeah. Heh heh heh heh Heh. But yeah, you do have to be very Intentional as you're dating people and like explicit about that But it is a weird thing to like bring up like date number one like hi I'm looking for somebody to live with

Nichole: yeah, like I and to each his own on how they do that

Yeah,

Nichole: and that's also I think we've talked about before not going into dates with an expectation Yeah, and therefore you will have better dates.

Nichole: Yeah, and I do understand that So maybe it's not necessarily like the first thing that you bring right,

Laurel: right

Nichole: And it doesn't make let's say you're dating somebody and they are really great, but they're also not in a place to move in. That doesn't make them a bad person. It doesn't make your relationship like a failure.

Nichole: It's just, you're not, you don't want the same thing.

Laurel: Yeah. You're just not what each other needs in that moment.

Daniel: I think it's also worth noting here that we should Make sure that this person isn't pulling in a, in a coal. Excuse me?

Daniel: Yeah, careful what you're coining here. Assuming intent on the part of their partners that may not be what their partners Just to make sure have you, I'm going to ask this person as though they can answer, which they cannot have you asked your partners really directly? Have you voiced your desire?

Daniel: To have a nesting partner and had both of them all, had all of them all seven dwarves, which the seven dwarves would be really down to be nesting partners, probably. Except for Sneezy. Not in the post COVID era, Sneezy gets, it gets really stressful, but make sure you ask them, make sure that you're not filling in the blanks.

Daniel: The blanks about what they want. Because you never know. You're

right. One time.

You're

Laurel: going to ride this wave as long as you

Nichole: can, but it is very good advice, babe. Like it, I, and. Because the only context we have is that none of them can. We don't know if they've had conversations

Laurel: with their current partners. I think it's also good. Cause Nicole is like acknowledging very realistically, like there are going to be trade offs, like there are going to be like uses of your resources.

Laurel: And I think the idea is not to assume that everything is going to go smoothly and there's some magic way. That like your other partners are never going to feel like. They're missing out or losing out on some of your time or some of your resources. Like it's probably gonna happen, but like you have to you have to keep talking about what makes each other feel like appreciated and loved in those relationships and like seeing and heard and make sure that you're like continually acting on those things, even if you may not be available on the Tuesday night that you're usually available on

Nichole: And a great way to get overwhelmed is trying to manage your partner's emotions. Yes! So, Going into this should you have fewer resources? you will squander them trying to manage your partner's feelings around those fewer resources.

Laurel: Yes. One thousand percent.

Daniel: Yeah. Knowing the situation that you're in, going into possibly going on the prowl for a Nesty, a Nesty Besty, a Chesty Nesty

Besty. Is that me?

Daniel: Oh, it is!

Chesty Nesty Besty.

Laurel: I'm going to get you a pin, so I'd say that. We got to find a cute name for Daniel too and get matching pins.

Daniel: She just calls me dipshit.

Daniel: So knowing the situation that you're in. As you are going to possibly look for a nesting partner, I think besides making sure that they want to have a nesting partner as kind of a prerequisite requisite for like introducing somebody new into your life um, You might also want to really make sure that they're into the kitchen table model because it's going to be so much easier for you to integrate the time and energy that you have if they are like one of the reasons why uh, my particular constellation corner of this polycule.

Daniel: You know, Like works is because we're all so into kitchen table that we're just like sitting around at a literal kitchen table. We're, um, we're doing Star Trek nights together. There's a lot of time that we spend with each other that is time spent with, both of you and your partners as well.

Daniel: So I just think that having. A real kitchen table policy agreement philosophy in the space is going to make things go a lot smoother as you look to actually having a manageable life with what seems maybe already very busy.

Nichole: It will, because that is my experience and it's definitely a choice and not everybody's into kitchen table.

Nichole: It seems like a lot. Not anybody I know necessarily, but it feels like a lot of people are into parallel. Yeah, which normie corner it means that you don't really hear about other people's partners.

Laurel: Yeah, meet or interact with them all that much Which I think like I think that would be a surefire way for it to like really impact your other Partnerships like if you had someone move in who was parallel Polly and then suddenly you can't really Invite your current partners over to your house unless your other partner is away You Would be like a scheduling nightmare, but also, yes.

Nichole: So I think it's also worth investing. What is the current agreement that you have with your current partners? Are you parallel with all of your partners? Do they all know each other? Like that

Laurel: will also impact for sure.

Yeah.

Laurel: And it might be different cause I also sounded in the question that this person had a child or multiple children.

Laurel: And I felt like that often impacts things cause sometimes people don't have Partners meet their kids for long periods of time. So maybe they're already not having folks over to their house right now or whatever. But yeah, I feel like. Yeah, the type of poly you're practicing in your home with your nesting partner is gonna, could potentially, if they're not on board with kitchen table stuff or whatever you're currently practicing, that it could be pretty disruptive.

Daniel: It's gonna be hard to start up this relationship. We're starting to get into all the things that, you know Like Laurel doesn't want at the beginning of her relationships of just like prerequisites, right? Okay, are you gonna, are you interested in being a nesting partner?

Daniel: One. Are you down to practice kitchen table poly? Two. Sounds if you have co parenting responsibilities, like where the kid is in your home at all. Stubert, speaking to Stubert here. Then, that's another thing like, are they down to be a co parent? Because having a nesting partner that's not a co parent, if you've got the kid, halftime might be a little tough.

Daniel: So I don't know. I don't know what advice I have for getting over this prospective entry turbulence of, like, all this shit, right? How do you start up a relationship with the kind of joy and spontaneity and kind of lack of intensity and pressure that makes, can make things feel joyful?

Daniel: And still get what you need, stupid. I don't know. I wish that this was a advice podcast and I might.

Laurel: Yeah. I wish there was someone who could tell you. I think, I mean, you sound a little pessimistic. Like I do think there, there's definitely those challenges exist and yeah, it is difficult to have, I think, it's not an incredibly long list, but it is like some requisites.

Laurel: to fulfill for this particular type of relationship that you're looking for. But also I think there's probably a lot of people out there that are game for that kind of thing. Broaching it, you can't broach it from a place of things aren't going to be difficult balancing between your current partners and finding this new person.

Laurel: And things aren't going to be a little difficult or tumultuous just in the process of finding a person that. Like fits this area of your life. It's just like, how do you deal with it a little more fluidly or gracefully? And a lot of that, I think like Nicole was starting out saying is having the transparency and honesty and like keeping the lines of communication open and like having that commitment, like when things are difficult like we're on the same team, we're trying to figure it out.

Daniel: Also, if you're wanting to streamline and simplify your life, have you thought about offloading the child?

Nichole: Yeah, I feel like that is the one part of this question that we're really unqualified to answer because we don't have children and I feel like it just adds an entire layer of having to. pretty heavily and having to consider the actual physical space that you have. Do you have room for another person to be there?

Nichole: Does this involve moving? Like I, I feel like I'm being so pessimistic. I think it's a lovely thing that you want and I think you did the first step, which is actually figuring out what

Laurel: you want. Yeah. Also, I think just the nature of being concerned about your other partners off the bat that's a great place to start from.

Laurel: Like, I care about these people in my life. I'm worried about how this will impact them and those relationships. Like you're already starting from a great fucking place. The compassion and will to want to take care of your partners through this journey is like, absolutely where you should be starting.

Daniel: But also, you may not want to over index on what you think their reactions might be. Like, it's good to have, it's good to have concern, but, maybe, you know, Maybe, maybe Stubert, maybe you're a lot. And uh, maybe they'll be a little bit relieved to have some time away from you.

You're

such a

Laurel: dick. You're such a dick.

Daniel: Daniel! I don't know them!

Daniel: The identity of the Stubert has been carefully concealed from me.

Daniel: And that's the advice from the polyamateurs.

Laurel: Doing great.

Daniel: Shall we move along home?

Laurel: Yeah. Okay. We couldn't help ourselves. After watching two episodes of You me her, me you her, me her. We had to hate watch more.

Daniel: It's the fake Polly fake Portland show made by monogamous Canadians.

Daniel: Made

Laurel: by monogamous Canadian AI.

Nichole: That we're going to talk about in, Is This Polly? Excellent.

Daniel: Thanks for bringing it

Nichole: around. Order Muppets. Yeah.

Is this Polly or not?

Nichole: All right. So,

Okay, you, me, her. So while you two took a break. And then, watched these two episodes this morning, I have barreled ahead and I'm in season three. Oh man, okay. So you've gotta

Daniel: strip away all your knowledge.

Yeah,

Daniel: you're gonna have to, I do. And come back to what, forget, ooo, forget.

I will, it's easy to do, it's not that compelling.

Nichole: I don't know why I keep watching. Because

Laurel: It's a hate watch, I feel like. For me right now at least.

Daniel: You know what's interesting about the show? Yeah. Actually, this is interesting. You know what's manipulative about the show?

What?

Daniel: It's, it doesn't keep you watching because you care about the people.

Daniel: It keeps you watching just out of like, anxiety situations. It's like a, it's like an episode of Three's Company without any of the humor. Oh.

Nichole: Correct. That is, yes. It is that.

Daniel: Wow.

Nichole: Wow.

Daniel: Can somebody bring us through the synopsis of

Daniel: episodes three and four.

Laurel: Yeah. Okay. So we left off episode two is basically. Our couple, Jack and Emma, in their living room like, Oh my God, we're thinking about Izzy so much. And then Jack is like, Wait, are we? And Emma's like, Oh my God, are we? And he's like, I don't know. Are we? What the fuck are they talking about?

Laurel: And then knock on the door and it's Izzy, the sex worker. that doesn't have sex with you, the escort, who's not a hooker and she's at the door.

Daniel: You know it's a Manic Pixie Dream Girl when you just have to like say her name and she appears like you've conjured a sprite.

Daniel: Yes. Yeah.

Laurel: Okay, so episode three, they invite her in, they're like having, they're having the like ambiguous will we won't we conversation in the kitchen and they're all really nervous And then Izzy's like let's smoke pot

uh, I, I have to insist. This is a gentle, well intentioned indica. Indi what? Indica. No minds will be blown. The best kind of pot you can find. Oh, it's weed!

Nichole: That is always Her solution is they're like, It's a slightly uncomfortable conversation.

Nichole: So let's get high get drunk.

Laurel: Yes get weird. Yes Yeah, these characters have some problems, for sure. Do they ever address the substance abuse in the future? Because clearly both Emma and Izzy are alcoholics. Emma is drinking wine out of her water bottle after yoga.

Laurel: What the fuck? How come no one is talking to her about this?

Daniel: How come nobody is talking about the substance abuse problems and you need

Nichole: her? I mean, it, It does. It, it, It, I mean, that might be part of the reason why I'm still hate watching it is that I'm watching it as a polyamorous person and an alcoholic in recovery.

Nichole: Yeah. With 12 years of sobriety. Like it is, this, it, this show is fucking wild. Okay. So they are having like an uncomfortable conversation and they're skirting around and then they.

Laurel: Yeah. And then they smoke pot together. And then a

Daniel: lot of pot, like they're just got the vape. They're huffing on a vape.

Daniel: Huffing on the vape. These people have not smoked pot. Like it's your dad's joint. Yeah. Like I would be just be puking.

Nichole: Yeah. Yeah. Again, written by AI. Like none of it is. Yeah, close to reality.

Daniel: They're like getting big chill stoned.

Nichole: They're getting big chill stoned so that

Laurel: they can finally Dance in the kitchen together.

Laurel: They can finally talk openly about whatever it is they're going to embark on, which they all seem to have decided mentally, obscurely, but not talked about and like made crazy leaps. All of a sudden Emma is like,

Clip: Yeah, but we, we agree that this is a business arrangement, right?

Clip: Yeah. Of course. Absa fucking lutely. Yeah, rent don't pay itself. She's like our mutual help house. Yeah. Yeah, we each get two sessions a week with her. I mean, I mean you. Thank you for remembering that I'm both present and a human being. I'll just book her for the whole month and then we can revisit it.

Nichole: And that takes out any feelings. Yeah. They're going to pay ahead. They're going to put money down on her time for a month. Yeah.

Laurel: And then obviously Izzy gets closed off and pissed off because she thinks that they're having a cute connective triad thing going on.

Clip: Okay, so if that's, if that's that, does anyone want to write up a formal contract? Or will a spirited round of businessman handshakes suffice?

Laurel: Oh, this is something you pointed out while we were watching, is she keeps referring to the couple as a unit like, I've been thinking about you guys, I've been thinking about you guys, and they're like, each individually like, oh yeah, I masturbated to you at work, yeah, and I also masturbated to you at work let's remember that Jack works at a fucking high school. He's At work, at a high

Daniel: school. Jesus

Laurel: Christ. Masturbating. Yeah. In his office.

Daniel: He says that he was masturbating, but the episode where he was, that was actually going on, he wasn't.

Daniel: I feel like the AI is not referencing the previous episode, like they didn't uh, do the machine learning with episode. Three and four from episode one and two. So it doesn't know exactly what is masturbation. It's when you lean back in chair with smoky look in eyes,

Laurel: impure thoughts.

Nichole: Oh man. So they go back to a business arrangement basically. And of course, Emma and Izzy have to have their date because Jack and Izzy had Their date and so

Laurel: yeah, which she convinces Jack that she gets to go first by not quite giving him a foot job Like oh, I learned this trick And so I'm gonna take off my shoe in the cafe and stick my foot between your legs and you are gonna be so easily Manipulated by this

Clip: Should I stop? Is this how we're gonna decide things from now on? Uh huh. Okay. You like her? I do, but I feel like I'm being short sighted. Stupid penis.

Daniel: jack is a complete moron. He keeps getting like, incredibly easily manipulated in situations, extremely easily flustered over anything. Whenever they talk about sex in public, Laurel, you pointed this out, Whenever they talk about sex in public, they look over their shoulders as though there's going to be somebody sneaking up on them something about his character.

Daniel: As a somewhat neurotic Jew, the caricature, this strikes me as a little bit like Jew face. Like he's like trying to do a Woody Allen, he's trying to do an Albert Brooks, but he's like clearly just boring white Canadian dude. And it is a little bit jarring for me.

Daniel: It's another thing where it feels like the image or the idea of a thing with no substance underneath.

Nichole: I completely understand what you're saying. Also, they make a point in I think it's late in the second season to clarify that he is Polish. Polish. He's Polish.

Daniel: Does he do that when they, the Gestapo come around and are ordering people onto trains?

Nichole: The way it comes out is also very offensive, but I cannot spoil it for you because. I can't spoil it for y'all, because you'll be like, What? Why is this? Okay.

Daniel: You know how much I love being offended.

Nichole: You don't want to rob

Daniel: me of the joy. No,

Nichole: no, I don't want to rob you of the joy of the person who delivers the line about Being Polish because that's gonna it's just a fun Canadian little Canadian Easter egg or whatever they celebrate up there

Nichole: Anyways, so The big but the overarching thing over these two episodes is it starts to be like, oh shit We have to keep this a secret because our jobs will be at stake. Yeah, right So yeah, Jack is up for a big promotion at the school. Yeah, and then And he needs to keep it a secret because the neighbor lady who was on the board, who is reviewing whether or not he is going to get this promotion at school, if she finds out, she's going to say no promotion for you.

Daniel: And this is the tension of this is amped up by like this, her teenage daughter, who I guess is is a student at the school where Jack works and masturbates, and she like comes into his office, like doing like a little Lolita act, which he calls out with those Words because

Daniel: this is all written by somebody with just a literature one oh one class who just wants to mention things on their completely surface level and then move on. So she comes in the office, sits down on the desk, and sexy and is like teasing him,

Clip: So who was that chick who got dropped off at your house two nights ago? Hm? Uh, um, The Earth to neighbor dude? No, what? Hm? The, uh, witch? Dropped by around seven. Like the, uh, claiming lady, or? Why are you being so weird? Your lolita act is not going over well on me or anyone else.

Clip: I'm just intoxicated with my Newly discovered power. Ow! That is Ah, I'm basically a monkey with a gun. Who is the chick? Why do I have to tell you that? And why don't you want to?

Daniel: And she also just feels like not a real character. She's a deuce X, mock Tina.

Nichole: I'll allow it.

Nichole: Yeah. So that is the, that's the main tension over that starting to brew in this. Series is like they have to keep it a secret.

Nichole: Also, Emma and Izzy fuck on a roof.

Laurel: What? On a roof in Yamhill? We went to the highest roof in Yamhill.

Daniel: What the

Laurel: fuck are you talking about?

Daniel: Yamhill is, okay, we looked this up. Apparently there is like a historical district that they call Yamhill downtown.

Laurel: Which is like a block and a half. It's like a square block and a half.

Daniel: But no one in the history of Portland has ever said to another person, Oh, hey, you want to go, uh, meet in Yamhill? Oh, where do you live? I live in Yamhill. Oh, that building is the tallest building in Yamhill.

Nichole: It's three stories high. What the fuck? Yeah well, the other like, secret tension that is brewing is oh, are there feelings involved?

Laurel: And also, are we breaking our no penetration rule? It's like a joke on the rooftop Like the weird, they have the weird whispering pillow talk over the sex scene.

. Your lips are so soft. It feels so weird that you don't have a beard. Yeah, not yet, at least. Beauty mark on your right cheek is the first thing that made me decide. Go crazy for you.

I used to try and scratch it off. That's dumb.

Laurel: It's like, you're so, oh, your lips are so soft. Oh, it's so weird. You don't have a beard.

Daniel: Oh, this is how this is. Lesbians um, have sex through whispering, psychic communication. They don't have to open their mouths. They just look at each other and say sweet things with their eyes.

Daniel: Well,

Laurel: They just say things that are like, Oh, you're not a man.

Laurel: Oh, you're not a man. Oh, you're not a man. You're not a man. You're not a man. And that's it. Yeah, like that, like, Oh, shocking. We're fucking and you're not a man. Weird.

Daniel: This penis is so inside out.

Laurel: Did you know your penis is inverted? And one of the listeners was like, I think we just broke the penetration rule.

Laurel: Also, you discover that this rooftop is Emma and Jack's place.

Nichole: Also, there was a pillow on the rooftop, magically, somehow. Because it's their place. They just keep bedding on top of the roof. Gross. Oh, God. Yeah, none of it really makes sense. There's, of course, always the foils of the suburban neighbors. Yes.

Nichole: Jack and Emma have neighbors who are married, who are their best friends or their friends. And they're being the ones who are like, what the fuck are you doing? This is so weird. And they just, they provide what's supposed to be, I think the audience's response, right? Which is how salacious, how crazy you guys are nuts.

Nichole: The thing about it as it goes on is that again, as a polyamorous person, Seeing the choices they're making. I'm not saying you're fucking crazy because they are polyamorous choices. I'm saying you're fucking crazy because they're fucking crazy choices. Yes. Like they are insane things to do in any context.

Laurel: Insane, selfish, reckless just like these are terrible people.

Nichole: And the show is not self aware enough to exploit that fact. Yeah. It just pitches it like, look at these young white people in love. Yeah. And then there's also another young white person.

Laurel: But they are like, it is what's the word, vapid. It is so vapid. That it all becomes unbelievable

Laurel: is this Polly?

Daniel: Still no.

Laurel: Yeah, Jesus Christ, not yet. I'm waiting for it. That's, I think that's a lot of the motivation for me watching it. It's I want to see the turning point where, because there is, there has to be, there has to be a turning point where they start to acknowledge that they actually have feelings for each other, and it'll probably blow up, and then maybe it comes back to Nicole's face.

Laurel: I'm not saying that. That's what I am holding out for, that like maybe one day I can be like, Yeah, they I still don't like it, but they got Nicole's just like frowning and shaking her head. Welp, anyways,

Nichole: no. And no, it is not Polly.

Daniel: When are we going to acknowledge our feelings for one another?

Laurel: I gotta go. Oh, but if you guys, my brother and his wife and their child are probably going to come over for cake tonight. Oh, for your birthday. Yeah, so if you guys, I don't know the timing yet, but I'll text you if you want to come eat some cake.

Daniel: And you're talking to just me and Nicole right now. Yeah,

Laurel: it's going to be way long past, but if you guys want to come on, stop by, like it's a good chance I might have cake.

Laurel: I don't know.

Daniel: If you would like cake, please email

Laurel: Polly

Daniel: Amateur Hour.

Song: This has been Polyamateur Hour, a production of Risa Records. If you have a question for Ask the Amateurs, or a recommendation for Is This Poly, please email us at polyamateurhour at gmail dot com. If you enjoyed the show, and you know you did, you perv, please subscribe to us on your podcatcher of choice, leave us a five star review, and most importantly, tell at least one person in your life to check us out.

Song: But we hope you tell three. Remember, the advice given by the amateurs should not be followed, unless you are prepared to be ecstatically happy, successful, and strange. Until next time!