Daniel: I feel like this head cold that we have in passing around is like another member of our molecule.

Daniel: But as usual, just me and Laurel, the ones double teaming it.

Laurel: is our unicorn.

Daniel: Yeah. Because

Laurel: we don't really like treat it like a full human being.

Daniel: We complain about it a lot. Oh my God. But sometimes we do that with our other partners too.

Nichole: What happened at the art museum?

Laurel: Oh God. So I went to the art museum with my token monogamous friends, Liz and

Daniel: I like to think of them as your premier, monogamous friends.

Laurel: I think of them as my partners.

Daniel: They don't,

Laurel: they dunno yet. And they don't know.

Daniel: This is how they're gonna find out.

Laurel: Just listening to this.

They're my, they're my queer platonic, life partnership.

Laurel: Is how I think of them. surprise.

Nichole: They're gonna love that. They're gonna feel so honored.

Laurel: Well, we went to the art museum, yesterday and got sufficiently stoned beforehand.

Laurel: But there's this like, really beautiful ceramic piece. I forget the artist's name. Japanese name I think. and it's like a, think of like a large shallow ceramic bowl. there's sort of like a peninsula that shoots out into the middle of the bowl.

Nichole: from the side of the bowl?

Laurel: Yeah, from the side. So if you like, took two fingers and, and either direction started drying a circle. And then where they met at the bottom, you just then went into the center

Nichole: like a uvula,

Daniel: like a pelvic floor being penetrated by a big gold cock.

Laurel: Yeah. Like if you just started circling with two penises from 12 o'clock,

Daniel: this is how we have to explain it to our stewards

Laurel: clockwise and one counterclockwise and then met.

Nichole: I'm still thinking uvula. I think if it's the shape that I'm imagining, I think mine works.

Laurel: but that like the little droppy thing. Yeah, but it's different 'cause that's like a teardrop shape. But it's like, it doesn't go whoop. It goes whoop.

Nichole: Oh. Like, nope, this isn't this,

Daniel: this is, this is not

Nichole: computing.

Daniel: This is prime radio content right here.

Laurel: I used to think I was good at explaining things anyways, this piece, if you stared it and kind of like let your eyes go out of focus, as if you're looking at like a magic eye, it just looks like you're looking head on at a penis. Just like

Daniel: I was on the right track.

Laurel: Yeah, you were on the right track.

Nichole: Have you ever looked at a penis? Like straight on?

Daniel: That's how she actually starts before she goes down on me, is she just tries to stare it down first, like direct you into the eye of the penis, how to

Laurel: show it.

Whose boss?

Laurel: Um, yes. Nicole?

I've seen a penis head on before.

Nichole: no. I mean, I don't think I've ever just like looked

Laurel: at a penis straight on.

Nichole: Just straight on. Just like

Laurel: I have a lot actually

Nichole: just straight, just like. It's just in your face. It's just hard,

Daniel: you know, if you like look into the end like it's a telescope, you can see the emptiness at the heart of the man.

Oh my God.

Laurel: I mean, maybe not like, not like it is exactly perpendicular to my eye,

Nichole: I mean, I was imagining exactly perpendicular to your eye.

Daniel: In order to see him in two dimensions, you have to have a dick in each eye.

Nichole: Oh God.

Daniel: Welcome to Poly amateur Hour.

Laurel: I'm Laurel,

Nichole: I'm Nicole,

Daniel: I'm Daniel.

Nichole: I'm tired. okay, so you see this penis, this ceramic.

Laurel: It's really beautiful.

Nichole: And did you spend most of the time just staring at it?

Laurel: if you zoomed out and just like observed the three of us.

Laurel: Just like around, it's in like a glass case. So we're all just like at different angles.

Oh my God. Looking at the ceramic bowl and being like, do you guys see it?

Daniel: Are there like instructions to stare? No. And like, unfocus your eyes. You just found this out because you were stoned.

Nichole: There's no instructions about art.

Nichole: Art is what it is. And it's what you think it is.

Nichole: Is it art? Maybe

Daniel: art is what it thinks I am

Nichole: that too.

Daniel: The dick found you,

Laurel: the dick found us. anyways, it was really beautiful. You shall go check it out.

Nichole: Yeah. I mean, I'm a member of the Portland Art Museum. I was supposed to go yesterday, but my partner got sick

Laurel: rude.

It wasn't from our unicorn.

Nichole: if I had gone yesterday and I saw you three just around the last case with the ceramic, I'd be like, I know what's going on here. Exactly. You just wave. Hey Laurel, bye Laurel.

Daniel: Is it what you would know? Is it that these clowns are stoned or would you be

Nichole: Absolutely

Daniel: okay? It wouldn't be like, oh, they found a dick.

Nichole: No, no. I would know it would be the circling, the laughing, the circling the laughing.

Daniel: whenever I have multiple partners in a group sex scenario, that's what they do to my dick.

Nichole: Circling and laughing.

Daniel: Aw. I mean, it's by my request.

Daniel: What do we got up first today?

Nichole: Let's do a pip iop.

Laurel: Let's do a pip iop.

Daniel: Let's do a pip iop. Hands Hand stack.

Laurel: Hand Hand stack. Hand stack.

Daniel: It's poly in public invasion of privacy. Woo.

Laurel: And you guys think we don't need a video component?

Nichole: Can we explain what Pip IOP is?

Daniel: Yeah. It's an acronym.

Nichole: No. Poly in public invasion of privacy is when we come across Poly in the wild and then we talk about it.

Daniel: Yeah. It can be in media, it can be in our everyday life.

Laurel: Yeah. So this one's from my everyday life. In which I was informed that my friend's child, who is around seven or eight years old, um, she has these like really cute little stuffed mice thing, you know? It's one of the things kids are into these days. and so you can like collect all these stuffed mice.

So she has a bunch of them and she built a mouse village for them. So, and in my mind you guys have seen Synecdoche New York, right?

Daniel: Yes.

Laurel: So, you know the end with like the sets built? Like the whole city, like built, like, this is what her mouse village reminds me of. There's like cardboard boxes in each box is like an open face into the life of the mice that live in that box.

Oh. There's like a bunch of little dioramas. Oh, that's, it's really cute.

Daniel: I want one. Can we get a sponsorship deal from Mouse Village LLC?

Laurel: Yeah. Uh, so she built this whole mouse village and one of her mice is polyamorous.

Nichole: What?

Laurel: It is married to both the queen of the village and another guy in the village and has like twins with one

What? Right.

Daniel: Is it a build it yourself Mouse Village or does it come like basically like a

Laurel: no, no.

Nichole: She just has the mice, she created it.

Laurel: She made the village.

Daniel: Oh shit. Alright.

Nichole: Yeah,

Laurel: yeah,

Nichole: yeah. Damn. That's amazing. Yeah. and that she decided one was queen of the Village. Great.

Daniel: this is hierarchical poly.

Nichole: You need to have some kind of governance. Eventually that queen will get dethroned and they'll move to like a, you know, communist anarchist. Not all. so how does she know? Like did she say. These mice are polyamorous.

Laurel: I don't know if she, like I was just told about the facts of the life of the mice.

Daniel: Laurel. Let me get real with you about the facts of the mice.

Nichole: I'm just wondering if it's because this kid heard about polyamory or if they're just at that developmental stage where it doesn't feel weird.

Laurel: I, yeah. I don't know what it is. I mean, obviously the child knows me but I'm not like, Hey kid, let me tell you about polyamory.

Nichole: You're not trying to indoctrinate

Laurel: them. I'm not, yeah. Not yet. Not until she's a little bit old,

Daniel: Has their parents had the talk with them? The polyamory talk,

Laurel: I'll ask, but they're very like open, progressive, queer parents.

Nichole: my guess is that this child doesn't see a problem with it. Like, or maybe doesn't understand the legal system, which is fine.

They're eight. Um, they don't know that polyamory is illegal. Um, I am not a child psychologist, and I'm never near children. Ever.

Daniel: that way you said you're never near children ever.

And made me think that maybe there's like a

Laurel: Nicole's not allowed near children.

Nichole: Yeah. That's not the reason. I just don't like them. Um, I mean, they're fine. Whatever. Uh, I just always feel like I'm talking down to them and I really hate feeling like I'm patronizing.

Daniel: They're shorter.

Nichole: a lot of people are shorter than me

Daniel: looking directly at me

Nichole: because I can't look at both of you at the same time.

I remember like a boss of mine had a kid who was like six or so. Five or six. Um, and he said he wanted to marry his next door neighbor.

Nichole: Who was a boy.

Nichole: And he didn't seem like it never occurred to him. Yeah.

Occurred to like

Nichole: You know, that, that is somehow alternative

Laurel: Yeah. Um, I think most of the time, yeah. Kids don't know that stuff unless they're told.

Laurel: Yeah. Unless they're taught specifically. No, that's bad or you don't wanna do that. Or that says something else about you.

Daniel: You have to do a lot of work to instill prejudice in a child.

Or just let them get on the internet

Nichole: eventually take to church.

Laurel: Yeah. Speaking of which, pip iop, like someone posted in the Portland subreddit about the new non-discriminatory language for Portland City to include like non-traditional family structures.

Someone posted that and Wow. The ignorant, bigoted comments.

Really?

Yeah.

On Reddit.

ignorant. And just like, you don't understand how law works, you didn't read the article and like people are like, so what? This makes bigamy legal.

Nichole: Oh my god.

Laurel: Or it's a slippery slope

assuming that polygamy and bigamy and polyamory are all the same thing. Of

Nichole: course. Yeah.

Laurel: and yeah, that somehow like adding language to like non-discrimination documentation suddenly makes shit legal. And also this idea, like everyone loves, is like, can't we focus on the important shit, which is like one that people think anything in government and politics is like single issue focused.

Laurel: And two, that it is city council that is sitting there drafting it and not outside interest groups that do most of this work.

And then just bring it to city council for vote. Or like modification. Like, people are so ignorant.

Daniel: in Portland though, our city council is a molecule.

Daniel: I actually think I saw this post.

Daniel: And like I had a really hard time fucking not like jumping in there and fighting with people and like my restraint.

I thought that that was pretty big of me.

Daniel: I was doing like the complex math for that one in my head for like a minute. That's like,

Laurel: oh my god. But so many people like, like in one breath saying like, why the fuck do these people need protection?

And then the same breath. Showing why? Because they don't understand it and they feel totally okay saying really bigoted things.

Laurel: About a group of people.

Nichole: we've talked about this, like the non-traditional family structure reaches outside of polyamorous families.

Laurel: Yeah.

Which is another thing that they just absolutely did not get

Nichole: mean that because they read a headline and then, but that's gonna be the sticky thing is the polyamorous thing. Right. Like, that's what's gonna get the attention. And when in fact, what we know is that these non-discrimination ordinances are also designed to protect like multi-generational families.

Nichole: And that's super important considering how expensive housing is.

Nichole: and how expensive elder care is. but again, of course the polyamorous piece is the one that's gonna be the stickiest.

Laurel: Well, it's the one, I mean, it

Nichole: sticky. I knew sticky. I knew it. The second it left my mouth.

Laurel: Well, it's the one that

Nichole: stop

the second I spit. I knew,

Laurel: oh, this reminds me, uh, I was introduced to a new phrase that is to replace. That's what she said.

Sounds like my prom night.

Laurel: this, this is our gift to us today.

Use that. That's a good joke. For anything. Any occasion.

Daniel: dinner,

Daniel: unless you are, um, uh, what's that movie called? Um, unless you're watching Carrie,

Laurel: not Christine.

Nichole: Well, there was Cujo Christine. Yeah.

So I understand it took a minute to get there. I was

Daniel: running through the Stephen King names.

Laurel: So yeah, uh, surprise. Reddit's bigoted and now time for ask the amateurs

Daniel: ask the amateurs is the segment where our stuberts write in. Our stuberts are our fans,

Laurel: God, what have we done?

Daniel: Our fans are complete freaks. So this is where we answer questions from steward-dom at large.

Laurel: Yeah, you can submit your questions@polyamateurhour.com. If you wanna be totally anonymous about it, you can email us at polyamateurhour@gmail.com or you can DM us on Blue Sky or Instagram

Daniel: I farted.

Laurel: you can tell 'cause you're sitting slightly lopsided.

Nichole: I couldn't believe yesterday when we're out at a coffee shop and you just start leaning to the side, Laurel and I both know what's about to happen and you're just like, totally cool.

Laurel: This is the thing where I realize, like when I go to like friends' houses, or not as often public places, but I realize I'm about to pee with the door open.

Nichole: Not so much public spaces, not so

Laurel: much.

Daniel: Laurel is at such an evolved point. She doesn't see doors.

Laurel: Yeah. That's what happens when you get polyamory pilled.

Daniel: We're working through getting some legislation through with the Portland City Council that's going to abolish bathroom doors.

Laurel: Oh my God. It's fucked up. Anyways,

Daniel: today we have a question from friend of the pod and friend of the poly, frequent guest of Poly Amateur Hour, Dahlia Bell, and it's an audio question.

Laurel: Some, sometimes goats just gonna goat man.

Daniel: Is that your response? That's Laurel's advice. I guess my first question is like, is the cat person also the rockabilly person?

Because then I just think you should choose the dog person who is also the punk rock person.

Nichole: Absolutely. No, no, no. It has to be the other way around. The goth person is absolutely,

Daniel: there's a goth person.

Nichole: The goth person is the cat person. Okay. Because the goth person is probably also a witch.

Daniel: Oh, this is hard for me. Then I have to choose between the pleasure of rejecting a cat person and accepting a goth person

Nichole: Oh yeah. I don't know that. Dahlia is giving us these exact parameters and has just been sitting there wondering, I wonder what Daniel, Hill, Laurel would choose with this scenario.

Laurel: It's like fuck, marry, kill, but it's a cat person, a witch and a goth person, but twist, it's all the same person.

Daniel: You have to fuck, marry and kill them in that order.

Nichole: The doctor was a woman.

Okay, so, have either of you had this

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: Happen.

Laurel: You guys have hated most of my partners.

Nichole: I'm not dating you. I get free reign to hate whoever I want.

Daniel: I beg to differ if we really do the math on the partners that we have liked and the partners that we have hated, it's about half and half.

And sometimes you are the one who introduces like the information that makes us dislike them.

Laurel: Yeah. So our advice is keep secrets,

Nichole: but I think this is a different situation.

Because it's not that we didn't get along with these people.

They were, like, we still were cordial with each other. I think what Dahlia is referring to is like people who actively like, can't spend the same time around

Laurel: each other.

Nichole: Like,

Laurel: yeah, there's different levels of it.

'cause it is like, oh, if you can be cordial and we can like be garden party level, where it's like, okay, everyone can show up to my birthday party or whatever and be nice about it.

Daniel: And then just, some people leave before the orgy

Laurel: and then some people just leave before the orgy. Some

Nichole: people have to go to bed,

Laurel: some people leave before the orgy.

Nichole: Some people wanna take a bath and spend some time by themselves.

Daniel: A bubble bath is Nicole's orgy

Laurel: if I know that my partners don't have a strong, friendly relationship with each other, I'm not gonna create situations in which everybody needs to hang out.

as much as I may want to, and I am probably going to be discerning in a different way about the kinds of information I share.

Daniel: not in the way that we discussed, we were joking about a moment ago though, where it's like one partner is like, clearly has like substance abuse issues or something, right?

Laurel: Yeah. That's a different thing. Because Dahlia's question is like, everyone's like good and safe and above board.

Daniel: Yeah. Yes.

Laurel: Whereas like our issues between my partners have been because someone is not safe and above board.

Daniel: So it's like, just being a cat person is not the same as being a heroin addict.

Nichole: Correct,

Laurel: yes, but

no. Yeah. Yes.

Nichole: I think it also depends on the reasoning behind why these people don't get along.

Nichole: Right. So I'm reading a lot about Compersion.

Nichole: In this book, What is Compersion by Marie Thouin, the book is fucking amazing. It's really academic and I really like that because it plots out exactly what you're going to read and then references back to itself. Excellent. Um, and it's giving me so many other things to check out.

Daniel: I love that. Nicole's favorite book is just one that references back to itself constantly.

It's your criteria.

Nichole: Oh God. if the root is jealousy, that is a different issue.

Nichole: Right?

Nichole: there's just nothing you can do about it except for really like actively showing how secure your relationship is with that person. Right? and providing reassurance in the way that that person knows how to receive that kind of information.

Laurel: Yeah.

Like the answer is definitely a bit different depending on like the source of the disagreement or dislike between the two people. there have been very few, but like a partner of yours I can think of that I didn't really enjoy hanging out with because they tickled your like pretentious thing.

Daniel: My penis.

Laurel: Your pretentious penis? Yeah. Oh my God. Like,

Nichole: and you, you moved your finger.

Laurel: I know. Like a little

Nichole: red rum. Like what the fuck?

Laurel: Okay. Maybe no video then.

Daniel: So what I'm hearing is you didn't like them because they read too much.

Laurel: Yeah, exactly.

Daniel: They were literate and you're

Laurel: like, they were literate.

Is it me? Yeah. You're like, I like self-referential literature. That's very academic. And I'm like, fuck. Ah.

Daniel: Now you never told me.

Laurel: No, I never told you this until that relationship was over.

Daniel: Until the relationship was

Laurel: over. Well, like years later.

Daniel: no, I think it was right after. I think you were like, I don't like her.

Anyway.

Nichole: Okay, back up. What,

Laurel: so we, like, we all went to dinner one night I was like bored and a little like turned off because it, like, the conversation was just very pretentious I was like, this is not my crowd.

Daniel: you also did not give them much of a chance, in that instance. Like you were very quiet when we got in the car and quiet throughout.

And I think a lot of it had to do with where you happened to be at just that day too. It was like one time that you met them,

Laurel: But it's, that's fine.

like you're trying to convince me that maybe I could have liked them or should have liked them.

And that's like totally beside the point.

And like, here's the other half of it is acceptance. If your partners don't like each other, you kind of just have to accept it.

Nichole: This is so interesting.

Nichole: Well, yeah. 'cause I'm seeing you two have like a little bit of conflict.

Nichole: and you said, okay. Whereas I would've gotten immediately mad and like escalated it.

Daniel: Well, I

Nichole: tenfold to be like, you don't let me have my feelings.

Daniel: I am mad. I'm just afraid of Laurel.

Nichole: I'm shocked that you're not afraid of me. Um,

Daniel: I mean, you live with a tiger for long enough and you learn how to wrestle tigers.

Nichole: Is that a saying?

Laurel: Yes, that is

Daniel: it. It's now. maybe this is doing polyamory wrong, I feel like I'm gonna get a lot of pushback from this, but I feel like if either of you really disliked somebody that I was starting to see and become enmeshed with. I mean, I'm not saying that I would just stop seeing them, but it would be a big factor in how I looked at the relationship, in part because I trust both of you.

Yeah. Like as far as your people pickers. And I think we all have gotten into this zone of being each other's backup people pickers. 'cause to a certain extent, all of our people pickers are a little bit wonky, right?

Laurel: Yeah. Everybody's got a weird people picker.

Daniel: So it could be like, I start seeing two people at the same time

Laurel: and they both happen to not really like each other.

Daniel: Yeah. in which case, um, in which

Laurel: case Nicole and I get a rock 'em sock 'em robot thing and we put their faces, we tape their faces on each robot and Nicole and I,

Laurel: Battle them out.

Daniel: I was just gonna say, we do it the old fashioned way, you flip a coin.

Nichole: that'd be a lot cheaper.

Laurel: It would be. But I wanna make things because I wanna make things.

Daniel: This, you wanna make this rock 'em sock 'em robot set?

Laurel: Yeah. I can't knit anymore, so I need to do something.

Daniel: Maybe this is our first piece of merch

Laurel: rock 'em sock 'em robot set. And there's like a little sleeve where you can just slide any

Daniel: photos of prospective partners if you need to. And it's

Nichole: called the Poly Partner Picker.

Daniel: this question is so ideal, and it is so rarely that, it's almost always unequal. Like, I can't think of an instance where two people just like disliked each other instantly in the same

Laurel: amount.

Daniel: Yeah. And that allows you to kind of determine whether or not the conflict that the one person is bringing is something that you want to buy into or invest in or not. Right?

Laurel: Yeah. Yeah.

Laurel: it is very much choosing how much you wanna invest in that conflict

Daniel: Like if it's just that one partner is pretentious and one is depressed. You just have to choose which one is more your type.

Nichole: Oh my

Laurel: God.

Daniel: And everybody knows I made my decision a long time ago,

Daniel: Did I mention the bonus question that Dahlia shared with me.

Nichole: you're playing this now.

Daniel: Oh yeah. It's the cherry on top.

Shared via textual message, what's the best angle for double penetration? If the penetrators would prefer their balls not touch.

Laurel: Listen, if your partners don't get along, but they're still gonna DP you, you don't have a problem

Daniel: now, it's gonna be even better. Right. They're just gonna,

Laurel: Ooh. You can feel the tension between them.

Daniel: Yeah. Oh my

Laurel: God. One starts sneezing 'cause there is cat hair still on the other sweatshirt.

Daniel: Oh my God. They're both hockey players.

There is a solution for this. Okay.

Laurel: Oh, what is it,

Daniel: Dahlia? You invite me along and I hold both of their balls gingerly while they're DPing you

Laurel: somehow. I don't think that solves the problem they're worried about. Didn't we

Nichole: talk about condoms for balls?

Laurel: Oh, we did talk about ball condoms. Yeah.

Laurel: when, 'cause we've actually discussed this question before over dinner.

Daniel: Oh, over dinner.

Daniel: Okay. Yeah. Okay. It wasn't in the pod.

Laurel: And I think I started off by proposing just like placing a dental dam in between them.

Daniel: Ah,

Laurel: but then we're worried about that sliding outta place. So then like, yeah, making ball condoms.

Nichole: Condoms for balls. So like they can clack but they won't feel each other.

Laurel: Clack. Like those toys that you used to have.

Daniel: Are you familiar with balls?

Nichole: They, once they clack though, right?

Daniel: Are, yeah. Are you thinking of the motion office toy swingy thing?

Nichole: That's the magic of DP, right? Like that's why.

Laurel: That's why, yeah. If you hit perfect balance, it just

Nichole: goes on forever.

Daniel: Yeah. So they don't know what they're missing first and foremost. Honestly, I think it's pretty rare that guys are gonna be into DP and not secretly want their balls to touch.

Like, even if they're like, oh, I don't want our balls to touch, they know what they're getting into and they're like, this is part of the attraction of the DP is the homoerotic proximity of,

Daniel: Penises and balls.

Daniel: Not balls. Just penises. Fuck the balls.

Nichole: I hope Dahlia wasn't expecting like a diagram because I don't

Laurel: have, she knows we don't have video,

Nichole: but I also can't, I just can't imagine.

Laurel: Let's talk about possible positions for DPing.

Nichole: Should we say what DP means?

Laurel: like double penetration, I'm assuming.

like one in the vaginal cavity and one in the anus.

Daniel: Do you have to call it a vaginal cavity?

Laurel: Yes. 'cause we're being technical, not salacious

Daniel: cavity. Cavity.

Laurel: One of my sweet pussy.

Daniel: I like to call yours Mick cavity, a Mr. C very

Nichole: tall and thin.

I immediately was like musical theater.

Daniel: Hey, pussy's still on theme here.

Alright. if we really are suggesting an angle and we're considering this particular instance of double penetration being in the cavity and the other cavity.

Daniel: Cavity A and cavity B

Daniel: standing, if they're strong enough, is probably going to be the least

Laurel: ball clacking.

Daniel: Ball clacking.

Laurel: That seems so hard.

what if there's a monkey bar?

Daniel: She's got a monkey bar. Yeah. She's got to take the weight off the

Daniel: The dicks.

Laurel: Yeah. But then she has to be really strong

Nichole: because I feel like if the person with the vagina is riding one of the penis havers she can

Daniel: wait. Are you talking about the egg person?

Nichole: why am I even trying to explain this? I don't. This is not the person that I am.

Daniel: Nicole has gone straight into confused woman matting meme.

Nichole: No, I know exactly how to make this work.

you have one person in the vagina, one person in the anus, the vagina person

Daniel: you're talking about the person in the vagina, not the person who has the vagina.

Nichole: Yes. They're laying down. Their balls are gonna be weighted by gravity. Person in the anus, their balls are not gonna touch that. Like physically. They can't touch

Laurel: How tight are the balls in question?

Daniel: Well, if the balls on the person underneath in your scenario are going to not touch the balls of the person above.

Daniel: They need to be hanging off of a surface because otherwise, like if you're, they need to

Laurel: be draped over the edge of

Daniel: a table. Yeah. Otherwise the balls hanging are still going to touch the balls.

The static balls

Laurel: DP, the balls hanging are still going to touch the balls falling.

Nichole: That's too many balls.

Laurel: if it is like a no homo situation, then you could get a woman to hold the balls.

Daniel: What a fucking shitty ass job for this woman

Laurel: unless she is just like squeezing them tighter and tighter.

Nichole: Did we answer the question?

Laurel: Definitely

Daniel: stewards. If you have diagrams,

Laurel: send them in.

Daniel: Send them in. Yeah. What's up next?

Nichole: I have to go to the bathroom again. Uh,

Laurel: little. Sorry.

Nichole: I

Laurel: chugged a diet Coke before

Daniel: conflict makes her wanna pee so bad.

Laurel: I gotta pee in my conflict.

Nichole: See if we get the Blandina house, then we can have that bonus room also be a place to film video content.

Laurel: yeah. Yeah.

Nichole: We'd have enough room.

Daniel: I like we're making the biggest room in the house our bonus room.

Laurel: I think it's a great idea.

Nichole: Yeah. It would be nice to have a guest suite.

Nichole: More people would stay with us.

Laurel: I think Nicole, it's a genius.

Nichole: You said it.

Daniel: Maybe it is also like we put a big bed in there and it's like, our bone in room too.

Nichole: The room where it happens.

Laurel: I wanna be in the room.

Nichole: Laurel, you do wanna be in the room where it happens.

Laurel: I do. Is that what that's about?

I suddenly relate to Aaron Burr.

Daniel: That's why he got murderous is 'cause they wouldn't let him in the

Laurel: fucking room. He wants to see how that sausage is made.

Oh God

Daniel: Wants to see how the sausage just laid.

Laurel: I love it.

Daniel: What's next?

Nichole: One of my favorite segments.

Laurel: Oh yeah. Monogamy, are you okay?

Nichole: Monogamy, are you Okay? Is our segment where we look at examples of toxic monogamy. We know monogamy is an okay choice.

Laurel: it's fine for you. It's fine. I love that for you.

Nichole: So we had looked at a listicle from the website Magnetize Your Man,

The two founders of this

Nichole: between the two of them, they somehow have some kind of degrees. Right. But I don't know,

Laurel: between the two of them, they have maybe enough credits for a degree

Nichole: maybe.

it says that she studied

psychology at UC Berkeley doesn't say she got her degree from UC Berkeley,

Nichole: She studied,

Nichole: At UC Berkeley.

and then, you know, it talks about their speaking engagements. And they talk about how they have even spoken at the Harvard Faculty Club.

Nichole: Like, you see that name Harvard, right?

Nichole: then you Google Harvard Faculty Club,

Nichole: it's an event space.

Laurel: It's not like a special education service for their faculty. Or they bring in big names to

Nichole: no,

Daniel: This is like one step away from a four seasons landscaping situation.

Nichole: Yeah. It's so close. Exactly.

Nichole: Yeah. Oh

Laurel: my God.

Nichole: Yeah. Oh my God. So interesting. Right?

Laurel: Hilarious.

Nichole: so I kept Googling

and I came across a conversation that she had with this guy who runs this website, ex-boyfriend recovery.com,

Daniel: which is not about recovering from your ex-boyfriends.

Nichole: it's about recovering your like. Like getting your ex back?

Daniel: Oh my God. Like if you lost them at the bottom of the sea. It's like a Titanic summary, a recovery

Laurel: expedition.

Laurel: Oh my

God. Okay. Love this.

Daniel: And refurnishing.

Nichole: overall, this guy, what's his name? Chris Seider

Daniel: My name is Chris Seider and I specialize in helping couples reunite after breakups. There's nothing worse than wasting your time on a situation where you have no shot. Luckily, I've created a special quiz designed to help you find out where you stand.

Laurel: Wow. Nobody needs this.

Nichole: So what, okay, this website is designed as like a rabbit hole.

because he has YouTube videos on the about page that link to other YouTube videos, obviously, like all of his content.

Nichole: And then he has blog posts that start with links to other blog posts.

Laurel: Oh my God.

Daniel: probably, the intention is just like a click maze to keep you just clicking, clicking, clicking,

Nichole: just clicking.

Daniel: Yeah. And so then he gets these clicks and then he can

Laurel: sell advertising

Daniel: on his YouTube.

Exactly.

So I'm gonna start with the complete guide for getting your ex-boyfriend back.

This is the most complete guide to getting your ex-boyfriend back online.

Nichole: What?

Daniel: That's weird grammar, right?

Are you trying to get him back online? Is he an Android?

Daniel: implementing a strategy to win back your ex is more than just throwing a few things out there in the hope it will net you results. You have to have a comprehensive plan and the right mindset.

Laurel: Oh my God.

Daniel: Headline for the next section. The how to get your ex-boyfriend back plan.

I mean, he knows his SEO, right?

Nichole: Oh, for

Daniel: sure. Now I'm gonna start speaking with my cold voice. that I've been,

Daniel: You know, 'cause I might as well use it here 'cause I'm in the manosphere kind of.

Daniel: Although this is marketed for women, this is for women.

manosphere for girls.

Laurel: Yeah. Kind of. They're like two sides of the same coin kind of.

Daniel: There are seven key overriding principles you need to embrace.

Daniel: One, you must begin with understanding your chances so you are centered and coming from a place that is rational.

Laurel: Wow. This is like very culty in the way of like, okay, first we're gonna rationalize this absolutely irrational endeavor.

Daniel: Also from the assumption, I think that women are irrational in this situation.

Daniel: Two, to get your ex-boyfriend back, you need to think less of winning him back and more about your own recovery.

That's good.

Nichole: That's not terrible.

Daniel: This is like that last one that we were doing, right? Um, this is, yeah. There's

Nichole: some where it was all practical advice, but it was framed in the like how to make your man fearful that he's gonna lose you.

Daniel: Three. To get him to return to you, you need to avoid falling victim to your impulses of trying to get him back in a haphazard, desperate fashion.

Laurel: So far I'm hearing like, hey, just be cool. Yeah. Be cool man. Just Hey, be cool.

Nichole: Yeah.

I'm also hearing you dumb woman

Daniel: four, to lure back your ex-boyfriend,

Laurel: you're gonna need some popcorn and cheese,

Daniel: a cardboard box, and a stick,

Nichole: or a shiny, shiny fish.

Daniel: You need to think out of the box and be prepared to change some of your previous thinking.

Nichole: You're doing it wrong. You're too emotional.

Daniel: Five, you must come to learn more about the science and psychology of mending your relationship.

Laurel: You must come to learn.

Daniel: Wait, sorry. You must come to learn

Laurel: like your relationship is over.

Daniel: Okay. You need to exercise emotional control and follow the ex-back value chain, capitalized title case, the the ex-back value chain.

Laurel: What the fuck?

Daniel: is this a blockchain thing? Is this crypto?

Nichole: See, I went to DNA, like peptide chains.

Daniel: Oh, Laurel, were you on BDSM? Are we covering all of the chains?

Nichole: All the chains? I think she's just flummoxed.

Laurel: Yeah. Like it all morphed into one weird word to me.

I'm imagining like a flow chart for some reason.

Nichole: It's gotta be a flow chart.

Daniel: It's totally a flow chart. There are so many fucking charts in this thing. Oh my God, this guy got fired from some type of project management role, that started this website. Ugh. Okay. Seven. to be reunited with your ex-boyfriend, you'll want to position yourself as unforgettable, so that he wants you more than you ever thought possible.

Unforgettable is also title case.

Nichole: What?

Has he decided to redefine unforgettable? Is it an acronym? Unforgettable. U for undressed. N for no way. Not dressed. F for fuck me, I'm undressed. O for O, you come here, you're undressed.

R for rover.

Daniel: Come over without any clothes on. Yes. Alright. You're cut off.

Laurel: Holy God.

Daniel: All your efforts at getting him back in your life can be realized if you can see the bigger picture of ex recovery.

Nichole: How is

this a complete guide?

Laurel: steps one through six were like, get your head on straight.

And then step seven was be unforgettable.

Daniel: here's a few options that we could explore.

Laurel: It's like a choose your own adventure.

Daniel: Oh yeah. the no contact rule.

Laurel: Okay. Does

Daniel: your ex still care about you using text messages to get your ex-boyfriend back?

Nichole: Oh my God,

Laurel: I vote for that one.

Daniel: All right.

Daniel: This is my complete guide. Oh my God. Using text messages for getting your ex-boyfriend back.

Laurel: Christ. Okay.

Daniel: In this all new guide, you'll learn. How texting fits into getting your ex-boyfriend back. Do not begin texting your ex until you complete a no contact rule. Will my ex ever text me again? The biggest mistakes you make when texting an ex after a breakup, how to keep an ex engaged when you are texting them the correct way to utilize text messages.

The first contact text message, rapport building text messages, attraction building text messages, how to get your ex to reach out first to you. My ex won't respond to me when I try texting them. My ex seems so uninterested when we are texting. How to know if your ex is authentic when they are texting you.

Special texting circumstances.

Nichole: Oh my god.

Daniel: The big elephant in the room that I've got to address is how to get your ex to initiate contact with you when you are unlovable, repulsive, untouchable,

Laurel: big elephant in a room.

Daniel: have you ever heard of the concept, the Zeigarnik effect? What? I don't think he's allowed to use that word.

People remember interrupted or incomplete tasks better than completed ones.

The concept was coined by a Soviet psychologist named Bluma Zeigarnik.

Nichole: I am Soviet psychology,

Daniel: hence the name of the concept being named after her.

Nichole: Yeah. No shit.

Daniel: Understanding and weaponizing the Zeigarnik Effect is your best offense for making an ex reach out to you first imagine you get a knock on your door right now.

It's me.

Laurel: Your ex that you didn't wanna talk to.

Daniel: I suddenly barge into your home and ask you a million different questions about your place.

Laurel: What

Daniel: you go to close the door and I pull you away and continue my annoying questions. Yet you're having trouble focusing. All you can think to yourself is, my God, I need to close that door.

You begin to worry that someone may see in your house or apartment, maybe a bug or rat will come into your safe space.

Nichole: What? Oh my God, I'm so confused. Okay. Keep going. Just keep going. There has to be an end to this.

Daniel: That door is all you can focus on.

Well, this is the Zeigarnik effect at work, what you will be aiming to do is employ a similar effect on your ex when you have conversations with them via text.

Laurel: How

I think it might be a, can you return my blanket situation?

Nichole: Okay. Alright.

Laurel: So after my most recent breakup, a blanket that I thought was given to me because it was just like not needed.

Like, oh, I have this extra blanket, do you want it? And I was like, yeah, I'll take your blanket. Sure. So he brought it over to my house, and then immediately after we broke up, he's like, well, I want my blanket back. And I was like, okay, I'm gonna go out of town. I'm gonna deal with this when I get back. and then, so I came back and then got a text message that was like, please wash and return my blanket by the end of the weekend.

Uh, to which I said, uh, sure.

And then on Sunday, I was pulling it out of the dryer and I got a text that was like, maybe you've forgotten.

Nichole: Oh my God.

Laurel: but I'd really like to tie up loose ends. It's the least you could do.

Daniel: It's loose ending someone

Right. Okay. So that they feel like there is something that they need to complete in order to finish the relationship, and yet it will never really end.

Because once Laurel gave him this one blanket back. He was like, I would also like another blanket.

Laurel: This is the wrong blanket.

Daniel: Yeah. Okay, so how, you ask?

Daniel: you end the conversations near the high point.

Laurel: What

Daniel: The moment you don't want the conversation with your ex to end is around the moment that you should end the conversation.

in theory, this is an easy thing to do, but we found that the vast majority of our stupid women clients can't accomplish it.

Laurel: like nobody ends a text message conversation.

Nichole: Yeah. It's just ongoing forever.

Because it's assumed I'm doing other shit.

Laurel: Yeah. It is asynchronous communication.

Daniel: Here's the one exception to that rule, I think, and where I think this might be really effective.

Daniel: You're sexting and they're just about to come, and then you,

Laurel: you just

Nichole: stop. That is actually, you know what yeah. I, if we're sexting, I'm like, Hey, so sorry I have to go,

Daniel: sext someone else.

Nichole: I have to, the macaroni is boiling over. I have to go.

Laurel: The macaroni wink.

Nichole: everybody likes to talk about attachment styles.

Nichole: Right. if you go through his YouTube channel

Nichole: He has branded all exes as avoidant.

Laurel: Oh, wow.

Daniel: Wow.

Nichole: How to get an avoidant to call you back.

Daniel: This is about like changing, trying to flip somebody from avoidant to anxious attachment style.

Right. Is like, how can I pretty much get them to fret? How can I trigger a scarcity mindset?

Nichole: Yes.

Daniel: It reminds me again of like, eating disorder, like,

Nichole: subreddits.

Daniel: Yeah. Like people enabling these really unhealthy behaviors online.

Nichole: Yeah.

I mean, obviously like we all hate this kind of bullshit.

Nichole: Right. But it's, um, I just, there's an entire world out there that I think we're just scratching the surface of,

Laurel: oh yeah.

Nichole: That could give us so much content.

Daniel: Should we name this? Is this a blank-osphere? It's not like a, it's not the manosphere.

Laurel: it's like the industrial dating complex.

Nice.

Nichole: That's what it is.

Daniel: Nice.

Daniel: Okay. So the worst thing about this particular corner of the industrial dating complex is I went on to his YouTube channel. And most of it, was all about signs. Signs that your ex is not really over you, sign that your ex is playing hard to get, sign that your ex is manipulating you. Like it is designed for people who are just red stringing their previous relationships.

Nichole: Oh my God.

I don't know. I think it also gets into the dangerous territory, especially with like looking for signs.

Daniel: Yep.

Nichole: one you get hyper-focused on, like things that may not have anything to do with you.

Daniel: and 90% of the things have nothing to do with you.

Nichole: 99% of things. Yeah. Have nothing to do with you.

Daniel: Pretty much everything has nothing to do with you.

Nichole: Nothing to do with you. Yeah.

Laurel: it just treats relationships as sort of like a zero sum game and it's like you win or you lose.

Nichole: Yeah.

Laurel: And you have to be a winner

mm-hmm.

In dating otherwise

Nichole: you're a loser.

Laurel: You're a loser. Yeah. And you suck.

Yeah.

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: whereas us poly people, we place many bets at once,

Nichole: but it's, but it is this like chosen thing, right? It's like,

Laurel: yeah. And that your worth is tied up in not just your ability to have and maintain a relationship, but you also, if a relationship ends, you need to prove your continued worth by making sure that that person is still interested in pining for you.

it's not about actually having a healthy relationship with someone you deeply care about.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: It's about control.

Nichole: I feel like this is either a plot that I made up in my head,

Laurel: just so the audience knows Nicole is holding her hands up to her temples with two fingers on each temple and like.

Daniel: This is psychic Nicole.

Nichole: we have not, it's not seen

Daniel: before.

Nichole: No, this is okay. Okay. But doesn't it sound like I've never seen the Lindsay Lohan vehicle that has to do with like, what? Luck of the Irish? Lucky me. What the fuck was it called?

Daniel: No one has seen or heard of the Lindsay Lohan vehicle.

Lucky luck. Luck of the Lohan.

Nichole: I don't think this was the plot, but let's assume it was,

Daniel: oh, we've lost the plot.

Laurel: Don't worry.

Nichole: Okay, so here's the deal.

Laurel: Yeah. Pitch us.

Nichole: Alright. So Lady is Lonely, because she got broken up with by her ex, the audience knows this ex is not great.

He's not a great guy. He is not that interesting. Yeah. You know, whatever. But she's just like eating ice cream and watching, you know, Beaches. and so she casts a spell or makes a wish on a star or kisses an Irish person per the blarney stone. Um,

Daniel: is it magic just to kiss an Irish person

Nichole: throws a coin down a well, whatever

Laurel: Makes a wish to get her ex back while an Irish man is coming in her.

Nichole: Because she heard somewhere that the best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody. Under someone else. Yeah, yeah, so somehow makes a wish. Right? And then her ex comes back into her life. Ooh,

Daniel: she

Nichole: acts,

Daniel: she accidentally makes it so all the Irishmen everywhere.

Nichole: Okay. I don't

Daniel: are actually in love with her.

This is a Buffy episode. I don't actually know if this movie was called Luck of the Irish. Like I just, I maybe am conflating like her red hair and like whatever, so she makes a wish to get her ex back, right? but at the same time she has like that best friend guy slash coworker that she know, like that the audience knows is the better guy.

Nichole: That's the good guy, right?

She realizes over the course of the movie that like ex is like actually really boring.

Yeah.

Nichole: And Friend is the one she should be with, right? Yeah. And it's called Luck.

Laurel: Should just end up there.

Daniel: Why, why

Nicole doesn't know how to end the episode and so she just decides to binge pop culture references like a fucking string of firecrackers. No, no, no, no. She just ending absolutely nowhere.

Laurel: No, she just brought us to the peak of the conversation.