Laurel: Daniel had a really good idea for wedding.

Laurel: Well, we were talking about a Muppet themed wedding.

Laurel: And then Daniel was like, well, what if everybody in the wedding is a puppet? And then I was like, okay, what if I made your puppet and then you made my puppet? And then we did our ceremony as puppets,

Daniel: but then we took it too far.

And then I was like, what if I write your vows as the you puppet and you write my vows as the me puppet? And then we do one of those toast arm tangle things, but with the puppets on our hands, and then recite

Laurel: each other's vows to ourselves. Okay.

Daniel: sounds like the beginning of an intervention.

Nichole: I just immediately, I'm like,

Laurel: great idea. Love it.

Nichole: No, I,

Laurel: oh,

Nichole: Laurel.

Nichole: The puppet you would make for Daniel would be like, out of foam and it would have a little mustache and like a mop of curly hair. And you'd definitely get glasses that look like his glasses and, it would have a functional mouth, you know? And just like maybe even a little bow tie or little tie, like a little, oh god. You know, fancy fancy thing.

Daniel: Oh my God. And are you about to criticize my puppet in advance?

Laurel: And Daniel just put some googly eyes on a fleshlight,

Daniel: and somehow mine ends up being more realistic. Oh.

Laurel: Oh. you are just saying, I have a silicon perfect pussy.

Daniel: And two big googly eyes.

Laurel: Yeah. Have you been

Nichole: to Heidi yet?

Laurel: Have I been to Heidi yet? To

Nichole: our doctor?

Laurel: Oh yeah. Yeah.

Daniel: Of course.

Nichole: For a pap smear.

Laurel: Oh no, not for Pap.

Daniel: For her special, Heidi signature pap smear.

Nichole: I just want you to also experience somebody telling you who sees a ton of vaginas, just how perfect yours is.

Daniel: Oh, now you're setting her up. Like, now

Laurel: what if she doesn't say it to me? Oh my God.

Daniel: Yeah. Jesus.

because of the context that this was brought up in, I thought that you were going to say that in order to keep you relaxed during the pap smear, that Heidi has a hand puppet.

Nichole: Oh my God.

Laurel: I was, when you first brought it up, I was thinking that it had something to do with googly eyes.

Nichole: I get it. I made a non sequitur.

Laurel: Welcome to Poly Amateur Hour.

Nichole: I'm Nicole.

Daniel: I'm Daniel.

Laurel: And I'm Laurel.

Daniel: Together. We're pretty cool.

A lot of people say so. A lot of people, you know, as they see us walking down the street,

Nichole: we did get that guy the other night when you and I were out. That said we had movie star quality.

Daniel: Ooh,

Nichole: The guy that we met at the bar. That you loved his outfit and like I thought you knew him 'cause you were talking to him so intimately and then nope.

You didn't know him.

Daniel: And he ended up being quite famous.

Laurel: he was famous. And he said, you have movie star energy.

Daniel: And like you weren't even there, Laurel.

Laurel: I wasn't even there. Probably why you pulled it off.

Daniel: You're over

Laurel: there. You don't have the Muppet dragging you down.

Laurel: Why was he famous?

Nichole: He's a photographer.

Daniel: We're gonna try and get him on the podcast even though he's not Poly. But now we've broken through.

Laurel: Yeah, and now we have an example of compersion therapy that we can,

Daniel: we can send to people and be like, would you like to be, would you put through this?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nichole: Well, I felt bad 'cause like he kept bringing his friends over to talk to us. Oh. He's like, they're poly. Talk to these people. And then he brought over his husband and he was like, they're Poly. Can't you see it in their eyes?

That's why we need some conversion therapy. Yeah.

Daniel: And honestly, it was the original Mr. Famous who had the real poly energy because one, he comes over to our table and starts chatting us up.

Nichole: He sat down next to me.

Daniel: And, and two, he's just got the eternally like flirty eyebrows where he is just playing like table tennis with the eyebrows back and

Laurel: forth.

You can see it in his eyes.

Daniel: You know. who else has incredibly beautiful eyes and a deep sultry voice?

Laurel: Our guest today?

Daniel: Oh, yes, yes, yes. Our guest. Guest.

Laurel: Oh yes. Our guests. Our best guest,

Daniel: I must confess. Guest. That sounded like the beginning of the least soulful Hamilton rap.

Laurel: Oh, yes. Yes. Oof. Lin does not approve.

Nichole: we had Ify Nwadiwe on Poly Amateur Hour.

Laurel: That's our show. Ify is probably maybe best known for a lot of his work on Dropout TV.

Um, host of, um, actually,

Daniel: Ify also has a long and storied career of podcasting.

Laurel: Yeah, yeah.

Daniel: the most recent of which is TV Chef Fantasy League,

Laurel: TV chef.

Daniel: Dies

Never Google again.

Laurel: once you put in TV chef, TV chef fantasy league does pop up as the first option. and then TV chef found dead.

Daniel: Oh my God.

Laurel: Christ.

Daniel: It's hard out there for a TV chef apparently.

Laurel: Yeah. Hard out there.

Yeah. That's a maximum fun pod.

Daniel: I know. Oh,

Nichole: rad.

Daniel: if he was all that and then some, it was a joyful interview.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: Made us once again wish that we were a video format. Because, if he was reclining in a kind of a bourgeois

Laurel: fashion, I don't think we've ever had a guest on look so comfortable and chill.

Daniel: What does that say about us?

If he is also a very well-known comic in the LA scene.

Daniel: and just like an all around wonderful human being.

Daniel: And it, you know, made me feel worse about myself.

Laurel: Good.

Daniel: Roll tape.

Ify: I'm in London right now.

Nichole: oh.

Ify: Um, doing some, what is it called?

It's called No Rolls Barred, I was also supposed to do TV Chef Fantasy League, but then, I didn't have a USB-C cable so today I'm in Stratford, which has like a mall. And then there's this interesting shopping center that has a large amount of electronic stores.

Like, I wanna say six different buy and trade electronic stores

Nichole: is this strip mall where all Circuit Cities go to die? I was

Laurel: gonna ask, is there a Radio Shack and is there a Circuit City?

Nichole: Yeah, that's exactly what I was thinking.

Ify: I need to take a picture because it looks like an abandoned American mall.

Yeah. Except like people are still going in there

Nichole: Was there a food court in this mall?

Ify: actually, yes. There's one place called like meeting of continents or something like that. And there were, I know there was many restaurants down there, but I kind of like skipped out.

I've just been really lazy because I've been playing just board games all day and just coming back to my hotel. I've just been going to sleep every night.

What time is

Nichole: it there?

Laurel: Yeah. Is it like wicked late?

Ify: It's midnight, it's fine. I was supposed to go to Manchester to meet with someone, and then I was like, well, then I'd have to bring all this and do this after where it's like, hey, which I've done many a time. I've had a tripod that has had to sit in a corner while I did a podcast. Oh my God.

Daniel: Do you have

Ify: one now?

No. Okay. Because I chose not to

Daniel: because you,

Ify: I wish

Daniel: you are going to have to bring them if they are hiding in the back room. You do have to bring them onto the podcast at

Ify: one point. Oh, yeah. I definitely would've. Okay. Yeah, they've been, I found them because they do these videos about getting fingered, it's like a redhead British woman, if it ever pops up on your timeline.

Okay. With red hair, red armpit hair, red bush, and just like, it's all content about like positive content, supportive. And I felt bad because I could tell she could tell, like it probably wasn't gonna happen because how busy I was.

But I was like, I really wanted to make it work,

Daniel: I love this as an area of content generation. Like where it sounds like it's almost activist, it's like a fingering nonprofit.

Like, it's like spreading the word about fingering. Like

Nichole: is it like proper nail trimming etiquette or what is the content?

Ify: Yeah. I mean, it's all just tongue in cheek jokey. But it should be. I think that's a brand we can really get behind. Yeah. Let's lean into that. Well, yeah, we gotta lean in.

We gotta see what's happening.

Nichole: She's leaning in.

Daniel: Ify. Are you old enough to be on this podcast? No. Are you old enough to remember Radio Shack? Like did you go into Radio Shack as a kid?

Ify: Oh so I'm 38, so, and I used to get, they have these things called zip zaps, which were these tiny RC cars that would charge on the top of the controller.

Daniel: Yeah.

Ify: And I would get that and I would bring it to school. And I was just this dorky nerd who were hanging out with these kids who were like, yo, this guy's playing with an RC club.

Daniel: I found like a certain thrill in the brick and mortar electronic store in that era when they were just coming out with new weird shit all the time.

Yeah. And,

Ify: and they weren't afraid.

Daniel: Yeah. And you could just go in there and it was like, it reminds me of the feeling that I would get going into a smut store.

Laurel: Oh.

Daniel: Where you just kind of similar

Laurel: kind of excitement.

Daniel: Yeah. Like in real time in a brick and mortar physical environment. Like looking at smut, you're just

Laurel: like, there's so many possibilities. Exactly.

Ify: Yeah, no, I was deep in it. And then they also had something called X Mods, which were larger RC cars that you could upgrade. And they had like a performance engine I just, you know, was a kid who grew up in LA when Fast and Furious came out. So I was like the peak, I was buying Super Street, Import Tuner mostly because they had hot women on the front.

But I was also interested in the cars.

Nichole: I have recently gone through the Fast and the Furious franchise, and I didn't realize in the first Fast and the Furious that they weren't super luxury cars, that they were just Hondas, that they were souping up

Ify: it was like a movie about street racing. So like, and honestly the main car, which was the Toyota Supra was like at the time, the sports car, like it was like the Corvette for Toyota, you know, it kind of prided itself on not being the luxury car, right? Yeah. 'cause you have the scene where he races the guy in the Ferrari

Daniel: It was just trying to signify its status by the size of its spoiler.

I think, if I remember, doesn't the Supra have like a spoiler, like a very ostentatious cowboy has a gigantic hat.

Ify: Yeah, it had a huge spoiler and that's kind of what he got made fun of for, and I think when you rewatch that scene now, like it's kinda like, you know how people rewatch Top Gun and go, oh this is very homoerotic.

I feel like that portion of the movie, it really does seem like Dominic Toretto and uh, I forget Paul Walker's character's name. Brian, is kind of like on this, 'cause they're, they got the window rolled down and it's this man in a hot woman and they're like, and then they just dust this guy. And it was all because he went back for him. He was like the buster made sure I came home and he gave him a drinking Corona and

Nichole: it is a love story.

Ify: Yeah.

Daniel: was the Fast and the Furious your poly awakening because they're, you know, they're all a family together.

Ify: No, that's such a good question. We can get into this. Yes. But like, I feel like my poly awakening was literally just being my father's son because my dad, so my dad's from Nigeria and so he, my grandma was, my grandfather's youngest wife. So my grandfather had two wives.

Okay. Because in Nigeria they still had polygamy. but yet, he was the one I was most afraid to tell I was polyamorous because I feel like he's just oddly conservative in ways and I feel like definitely socially conservative.

but like when I told him, he was like, you'll be keeping the family tradition. I was like, all right dog.

We got the goods. It's in my hands. I got a beer. Ooh.

Daniel: Yeah. I thought it was soy

Ify: sauce. Oh yeah.

Daniel: I thought it was soy sauce. I wish that we weren't an audio only format because right now we just had, Ify in closeup.

Laurel: It was good.

Daniel: It was really good.

Ify: Yeah. Just wanted to give you something for your time and patience.

Daniel: If we were recording video, that would be for the Patreon.

Yeah. Yeah,

Ify: yeah. I want your patrons to eat.

Nichole: This looks like a sleepover with Ify.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: Aw,

Ify: yes.

Laurel: Fuck yeah. It's perfect.

Daniel: Have you ever seen the video of Marvin Gaye recording Sexual Healing? I think it's Sexual Healing. He's just lying down, stretched out on a leather couch.

Nichole: Recordings.

Laurel: He's actually recording

Daniel: the song. Yeah.

This is, that's how

Nichole: he sang the song?

Daniel: Yes.

Laurel: Wow. That's

Nichole: amazing.

Daniel: And that's what we should all do. We should all set up like, so that we have each of us our own fainting couch down here.

Laurel: That is my plan.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: I want to do the podcast horizontal,

Ify: Fainting off. Is it

Daniel: only when we hear that deep smokey baritone.

Ify: yeah, yeah. Oh man. So yeah, Vin Diesel, I forget what it was, but they're making fun of like, basically, you know how he's kind of has a dad bod now?

And he was like, I don't even care because I had the best body in New York in 2000. Like he says it like it's a known thing. I had the best body in New York. as if there was a survey who won it,

Daniel: I feel like if your name is Vin Diesel, you pretty much have to keep up your appearance, right? that's like that Simpsons episode where he changed his name to Max Power and everything opened up for him.

Mm-hmm. Right. Oh my gosh, yes. Yeah, it's like that, Vin Diesel, I think that your abs just suddenly harden just every time you say your name. Vin Diesel. Vin Diesel. Yeah.

Laurel: Are you hoping that will harden your

Ify: abs?

Daniel: Yeah.

Ify: Yeah. You gotta try something like, Tony Petrol, you know, like, that's the British version.

Daniel: I feel like that's especially tailored for me as like a short Jew too. In this like Tony Petrol

Action Star.

Nichole: Well,

Daniel: Ify. Do you know why we've invited you here among other things?

Ify: Oh, no. Why?

Daniel: We've brought you here to participate in one of our trademark segments.

we've invited you here to do a little unicorn hunter hunters.

Ify: I'm in. so unicorn hunter hunters is the segment where we find unicorn hunter profiles on the worldwide web, and then we rate them on three categories.

Nichole: Self-aggrandizement, arbitrary rules. And would we unicorn?

Daniel: Because despite how awful all of these unicorn hunters are, sometimes,

Laurel: sometimes

Nichole: Laurel's here.

Laurel: I'm just curious.

Daniel: Sometimes a little awful can do you good. Ify? Do you agree? Yes. Yeah.

Ify: Oh, yes. Because I think it's a guiding light, one of my newer jokes, I have to do the comedian thing where I was like, this thing I'm gonna say is kind of a joke that I say on stage.

So I'm like, but we, I feel like we as polyamorous people have had a lot of bad PR from ourselves on social media.

Daniel: Yeah.

Ify: it happens. I was like, we gotta start making a vote and we'll start vetoing people where it's like, you can't post, I see a lot of good polyamorous accounts being like, oh, there's all this like weird anti polyamorous sentiment.

I was like, yeah, that's us. We're doing, we're fueling the fire. Like, why are you talking about the best part of polyamory is the leftover pizza you get after the date. Like, no, it rocks. But that's not how we're gonna recruit people, dog.

Daniel: we need a rebranding.

We need better positioning. We need to go back to our roots. Just, you know, just the sex. Have you heard about the sex?

Ify: That's exactly, let's start there. Let's at least start there before we bring up the leftover pizza.

Laurel: Yeah. Where do you think the leftover pizza came from?

Ify: Yeah. Oh my gosh.

Wait, I mean, I,

Daniel: the sex?

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: Were you during, was it pizza? During

Laurel: No, you gotta feed them before.

Daniel: Oh yeah. Okay. Carb loading. Yeah, you

Laurel: gotta

Daniel: carb

Laurel: load for your

Ify: carbo load,

Laurel: for your

Ify: other loads.

Laurel: Carb load for your other loads?

Daniel: Yeah. Load in, load out.

Laurel: Yeah. Depends on the vantage point.

Daniel: on to unicorn hunter hunters, everybody buckle your safety belts.

Okay. we don't always share the handles, but sometimes we have to because they're incredible. Oh yeah.

Daniel: This one is. Horny man in Florida.

Ify: Oh, man. Narrow it down.

Laurel: Excellent.

Daniel: I mean, I like the clarity, right? Yeah. It's like truth in advertising. It's like, I know what I'm going to get into when I open this profile.

Laurel: I mean, but there's, those are also like three things you could probably glean pretty independently. Yeah. You're on the app.

Daniel: Yeah, we,

Laurel: yeah, you're probably horny,

Laurel: There's probably a place for your location and your gender on there, so.

Daniel: Oh, wow. So it's redundant.

Laurel: It's very redundant.

Daniel: Oh, this is poor marketing then. Is what you're saying? Is that the messaging hierarchy is already,

Laurel: tell me something new horny man.

Daniel: he's about to.

Laurel: Okay, great.

Daniel: on the show, we yell the all caps. So first and foremost, may God bless all of our military men and women, past, present, and future for protecting our freedom.

Ify: Okay. Strong opening.

Laurel: Yeah. All right. Okay. All right.

Daniel: What do we think of this as an opener?

Laurel: Interesting.

Ify: I feel like when Florida is in your screen name, that's a wild opening. 'cause I'm already making some correlations before we get any, I don't even have to see a picture.

Daniel: I'm wondering if he has to do this before each sexual encounter too.

if it's like saying

Laurel: grace before dinner.

Daniel: Yeah, exactly. He

Nichole: has a

Ify: tiny flag. Do you know what? I have to start playing the national anthem before every orgy now.

Daniel: Yeah.

Nichole: Takes off his hat. Puts his hand over his heart. Oh my God.

Daniel: We have been married since 1991.

We are looking for a good time with fun people. Maybe make some new friends along the way. No single men. We will find you.

Whoa. What? Whoa.

I think what he means is that don't call us. We'll call you like Yeah. That's like if Yeah, but,

Nichole: or we're gonna root you out. Yeah. We're gonna destroy you.

Daniel: about section and the next section is about. No single men.

Nichole: Oh my God. Okay.

Daniel: Him a few extra pounds, bald, clean shaven. We are DD free her a few extra pounds and clean shaven

Ify: a few extra pounds.

Is wild. Like I feel like there are other descriptors you can use, a few extra pounds.

Laurel: Who's to say

what's

Laurel: extra?

Daniel: Yeah, yeah,

Ify: yeah.

Daniel: What are the, yeah, what pounds are the core? It seems like

Ify: you have the appropriate pounds for your body.

Nichole: Yeah, yeah,

Daniel: yeah. All of my pounds are absolutely necessary.

Nichole: Wait, what did he say about shaven him?

Daniel: bald clean shaven and she is also clean shaven.

Nichole: See I was imagining the clean shaven was in reference to his baldness.

Nichole: Save had like a clean shaven head and I was like, well, I guess. Okay.

Daniel: That may be then Is she also clean shaven? I dunno,

Nichole: dunno.

Daniel: I think that the visual though of the few extra pounds with the mall clean shaven just makes me think that they're both babies.

Laurel: Aw

Daniel: babies.

Ify: Very slick.

Laurel: He meant to say Horny Florida, baby.

Daniel: God.

Okay, so I

Ify: got 'em banned last time.

Laurel: Yep.

Daniel: onto the fantasies section.

Okay. Okay. No single man

Christ.

She has had a few bi experiences, not into whips, chains, et cetera. We love to go to fun parties anywhere they are.

Ify: Any nice.

Laurel: All right. Anywhere they are.

Daniel: Yeah. You don't have to bring the party to them.

Laurel: Yeah,

Daniel: other info. You ready?

Daniel: Okay. 1, 2, 3. Single man.

Nichole: No single man.

Ify: Ah, yes. Shoulda have known.

Daniel: We are DD free. We are not Canon Barbie, but have heard you can get them at Toys R Us if that is what you are looking for.

Nichole: RIP.

Daniel: Yeah. I guess you can,

Nichole: no, you can't get them at Toys R Us.

Daniel: Ah, no Toys R Us.

No fucking,

Nichole: no. Circuit City.

Daniel: No. No Radio Shack. No Radio Shack. No. Smut store downtown.

Yeah. Womp.

we are a clean, fun, and very outgoing couple. We can play as a straight couple if that is what you are into. The bi part of her is just that a part. Tammy is bi from the waist up at this time. She will use her hands below the waist.

Whoa.

Laurel: bi from the waist up.

Daniel: She's like a up, she's a bi-centaur the fuck. Yeah. they will play a straight couple, if that's what that, what does that mean?

Life is a performance.

Daniel: Does it mean that she won't go down on you?

Is this a

Ify: Yeah, I think that's exactly what it means.

Laurel: she's not gonna eat it.

Ify: She's, maybe she also, she doesn't want her to go down on her.

Nichole: Yes. Yeah.

Ify: Yeah. Because like the, from the waist up. You can lick my boobs a little,

Nichole: but I,

Laurel: all right.

You could lick my boobs a little,

Nichole: but I still don't understand the, we will play a straight couple if that's what you're into. Are they not a straight couple?

Daniel: I feel like they feel insecure about the fact that she is a little bi and that they worry that somebody will think that she's a sex crazed lesbian.

Laurel: Really? They're worried about that.

Daniel: Yes.

Ify: I think the, no, I think they're worried about single men. I think that's, they're worry. If there's any worry, that is what it is.

Laurel: We will find you.

Daniel: Now the interesting thing about this

Laurel: Yeah. What's the interesting

Daniel: thing? The interesting thing about that sentence, which we're just going to now do a deep textual analysis.

This is like fucking Finnegan's Wake for this profile where we just have to, yeah, let's get it. Every word. they spell straight with the eight.

Laurel: Amazing.

Ify: Oh wow.

Daniel: Ify. You know about straight with an eight, right?

Ify: No.

Daniel: straight with an eight in gay porn is how you indicate that.

It's like straight content, but it's not actually straight content is they use the eight. it's gay porn

but they're doing it like, oh, they're straight.

But like, I'm so curious about,

Laurel: oh, like no homo, but,

Daniel: but maybe for the first time ever. I'll let you suck my cock

Laurel: Okay. Interesting. Okay.

Nichole: Wow. They don't know that.

Ify: Maybe that's a little bit of backstory. Maybe. they've been using that straight with the eight and a bunch of single men are like, oh, I get right.

Laurel: Yes. No wonder

Ify: what's going on here.

Daniel: Somebody should like,

Laurel: let them know.

Daniel: Yeah. Okay. I'm gonna message them right now.

Laurel: they will find you.

Daniel: right on the heels of, gay above the waist.

Daniel: Who knows what she will do in the heat of passion if a woman's kitty gets too close to her mouth.

Ify: Oh, I called it

there it is.

Laurel: Like in the heat of passion, she just might actually eat pussy or she's gonna slap it away.

Ify: That's crazy. 'cause in the cold of disinterest, I would eat pussy.

Daniel: Is cunnilingus better with, if the person has some cold, disinterested cunnilingus performance.

Ify: I've once been in a, threesome, and I will say nothing is quite as jarring as being behind someone watching them eat your partner out and your partner's making a face as if they're like, it's not great.

Daniel: No.

And you're the only one who can see it. Right. And they're like doing all, they're like pointing. They're like, oh, stop. Get the, let's get the Muppet cane and pull them off of the

Ify: almost stage. Yeah. We have an emergency Mad Hatter poster to point to so we know to change positions.

Nichole: Do you really? What?

Ify: No, no.

Nichole: I was like, oh, what a tip.

Ify: Yeah. I was like, huh. I know. He was like, we gotta get that on Etsy. I do think that is some good, good one. You know, just point to the mad hatter, it's time to change positions.

Daniel: Okay. I'm gonna clear my throat here for the final sentence because it is all caps and it shall be yelled.

Okay.

We are very open-minded. Thank you.

Ify: Doesn't seem,

Daniel: thank you very much.

Ify: Doesn't seem quite open-minded about single men, so I think you gotta,

Laurel: yeah.

Ify: You can't put no single men that many times and be like, we're open-minded.

Daniel: who knows what they might do if a single man comes too close to their face and

Laurel: they, a passion.

Ify: Start wiggling that thing a little too close to my face, sir. Single man might get sucked.

Daniel: Oops, you walked into my mouth. Damn single man.

Laurel: It's your own fault. What an interesting profile.

Daniel: Yes. Yeah. torture that it were so simple that we could just rate them on interest though.

Laurel: yes. We must rate them first on self-aggrandizement.

I'm gonna go with like a two.

Daniel: where does my reaction to the our troops fit? Is that in self-aggrandizement

Nichole: I don't know. I mean, it's not self-aggrandizing and it's not an arbitrary rule.

Daniel: No. I'm guessing, though, that he is probably a veteran. I would,

Nichole: or he just has very high esteem for our troops.

Daniel: Except for the single ones.

Nichole: Except for the single ones.

Daniel: okay. And

Ify: the ones that the VA are taking care of.

Daniel: Yeah. Fucking freeloaders. Uh, we're gonna say then, for me, I'm gonna say a, three. I'll go up from two just on vibes.

Nichole: I'm gonna say two.

Laurel: What's your call? Ify.

Ify: Yeah. I think I'm there with two too. I will say as many caps as being used, this feels like a very humble couple. they didn't get super particular about why you should wanna sleep with them.

They're just kind of like, Hey.

we're just trying to figure stuff out.

Laurel: Yeah.

And

Nichole: we'll come to

Laurel: you. Yeah. Hey, we're here. We're horny and willing to travel. We're a good party.

Daniel: How about arbitrary rules?

Laurel: I don't like the, we have to say Pledge of Allegiance before and you have to tie a yellow ribbon around your cock.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: I'm always blown away by these profiles that repeat one thing over and over again. Yeah. Like no single men over and over again.

Nichole: Like, we didn't read it the first time.

Laurel: Yeah. They,

Daniel: they repeat it at the beginning of every section too, as though it's like a commercial break.

And you might have forgotten what happened. You have to summarize what happened on the TV show

Laurel: because that's very stern. But then we also get to the bi from the waist up. But then the ambiguous but if there's a pussy in my face, in the heat of passion, who knows?

Nichole: And we're also open minded.

Yeah. Well, that's just bullshit.

Ify: Yeah. I mean, that's just bullshit. I know. It's so interesting because sometimes I, when I see stuff like that and that much kind of enigmatic description of their queerness, I do wonder if it's this thing where it's like, it's less about anything other than, if someone we know does find this profile, yeah.

Daniel: Mm-hmm.

Ify: We don't want them, we don't wanna full out say that she's bi

Daniel: Plausible deniability. Yeah,

Ify: yeah. If Gertrude at, you know, Bible study

Daniel: Yeah. Bible

Ify: study bumps into this. It's the funniest thing, you know? I feel that way when I see faceless people on FetLife, right? Yeah.

Yeah. And they're like, well, just trying to keep privacy.

I'm like, well, if someone is here, they're also on the freaky side.

Daniel: Yeah.

Ify: Yeah. So if someone's bringing it up to you, be like, yeah, you're there. Yeah. Oh, you were just there to just browse, right? Yeah, no, no. You were there to be freaky

Daniel: and honestly, nobody is as much of a fucking freak as Gertrude from Bible study.

Laurel: Oh yeah,

Daniel: absolutely.

Ify: Yeah. That is true. I, like, you're blowing up your spot too. It is a mutually assured destruction. Exactly. Yes. I think we're both here, so if you're seeing me, you're here too.

You know? So then we

Nichole: should all have OnlyFans.

Daniel: Yeah. The, that's

Nichole: what I'm hearing.

Ify: Yes,

Daniel: yes, yes.

Nichole: Yeah. Yes.

Daniel: Especially Poly Amateur Hour dedicated OnlyFans. And I'm glad that finally you have committed to this. I have it in writing.

Nichole: Oh, okay.

Laurel: we didn't rate the arbitrary rules.

Daniel: Oh.

Laurel: I'm gonna give them a six.

for just the crazy no single men over and over again. And the weird troop thing at the beginning that seems rule related somehow.

Yes. In some way. It's gonna come up. It's gonna come up, but the rest is so like,

Nichole: yeah, I was gonna do a six too because of the repeated

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: Um, but also the vagueness of her bisexuality.

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: it's definitely arbitrary. I dunno if it's a rule. Bisexuality

Laurel: is very arbitrary. I

Nichole: don't know what they're trying to tell me.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: I'm gonna go higher, like just with the reiteration of no single men. Yeah. So many times in all caps, every single fucking time.

Laurel: It does affect you more.

Daniel: Yeah. You

Nichole: are the one reading it.

Daniel: Yeah. I mean,

Nichole: so you get it firsthand.

Daniel: Although I'm not really a single man, 'cause you all are obviously going to accompany me on this.

Laurel: Oh, okay. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Daniel: Um, And the fucking Pledge of Allegiance at the beginning.

Laurel: I like that we've just turned that into the Pledge of Allegiance. Yeah.

Daniel: Whatever the fuck. Like, it feels like a boundary put down. Like, if you are not okay with this being the first and foremost thing that I'm going to say in a context which has absolutely nothing to do with it.

Mm-hmm. Then like, fuck off. That is, for me, pumps this up to,

Nichole: to what

Daniel: I'm gonna say an eight.

Nichole: Wow.

Laurel: Okay. All right. Okay. All

Daniel: right.

Ify: I'm going nine and a half.

Okay. It's not even because there's many of them, but because it's said so many times, I think that the ratio to information about them to their arbitrary rules is I think five rules posted to one piece of information about them. I know more about their rules than I know about them as people, and I have so many questions about them as people

Daniel: Alright. So would be unicorn for them

Laurel: As much as it pains me to say it. No.

Daniel: Do you hate our troops

Laurel: in direct denigration of our troops? I will not be participating in this threesome.

Nichole: I mean, you know my answer except that they'll travel. How so? I wouldn't have to leave the house.

Ify: That is a bonus for you specifically. Well, we can't answer. We're kind of, uh, yeah.

Daniel: You're not allowed

Ify: left to Yeah.

Daniel: No, no, no, no, no. The rules of unicorn hunter hunters is that we always imagine that somehow magically.

Laurel: You're the exception

Daniel: to Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, or we are just suddenly women for a day.

Laurel: Ooh, ooh. Yeah. Does that change your answer if you get to be a woman for a day?

Daniel: No, have to say every time before I fuck, I actually have to say, fuck the Army. That's the only way I can get it up. Wow.

Yeah.

Ify: Yeah.

Daniel: So I'm gonna say no.

Ify: Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna say no, just because I assume that these people don't sleep with black people. Yeah. So that's

Daniel: fair.

Ify: I'm getting that vibe. I'm getting that read on it. Someone from Florida who loves the troops, the military. Yeah. Like I think my opening question, if they match with me, would be like, what are your thoughts on Colin Kaepernick up?

Who,

Ify: right up the way.

Yeah.

Daniel: All right, so next thought we could do a little session of Monogamy, are you okay?

Nichole: Monogamy, are you okay? Oh yeah. Is when we look at examples of toxic monogamy and we ask if they're okay, because I worry about the monogamous people sometimes. Sometimes I don't, like right now, today,

Daniel: they're fine.

Nichole: I had somebody break up with me over the weekend because he wanted to be monogamous with his other partner.

So I'm just a little bitter.

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: Right now.

Laurel: Yeah. Let's shit all over monogamy.

Ify: Yeah. No, I feel it. You know, it sucks. It's stinky. Boo

Laurel: boo.

Ify: I'm supporting you.

Daniel: today we are going to be looking at a little bit of a reality TV dating show roundup.

Nichole: Oh my God.

Daniel: I kind of went back in time a little bit because I realized there was kind of like a golden era for absolutely

Batshit reality dating shows in the aughts, started in the mid aughts, and then the latest one that we're gonna look at is like 2014

So we're gonna start with a little reality TV show that was called Chains of Love.

Clip: The California coastline. An inspiring stretch of beauty and tranquility. Come on now. A new series Chains of Love shatters that calm as one gutsy woman or man is chained to four members of the opposite sex like that.

Witness the anger.

Daniel: Well get off the damn thing.

Clip: The honesty is sex. Your main interest in me?

Daniel: No.

Clip: Oh

Daniel: my

Clip: God. The competition and the connection. In this episode, a woman begins hooked to four men, but will end with only one. There is no way to escape 24 hours a day. Everywhere they go, everything they do, they will be linked together.

Laurel: God, this is too much.

Ify: Bring this back. We need it. Because we wasn't slutty enough back when that came out. Yeah. If this came out now, oh yeah. Two dudes are gonna fuck on top of that person. Yeah, that is so true. Like, I think now in this era. Oh yeah. Put the sluttiest people, you know,

Daniel: chains of love, the next generation.

This is like kind of like simulated conjoined twins too, right? Like you can't,

Laurel: except you're not related.

Nichole: What's really not

Daniel: well, you can play act at the same time.

Laurel: Oh,

Daniel: okay. My

Laurel: incorporating the role play. Okay.

Daniel: My step contestant,

Nichole: my step conjoined twin. My step twin.

Daniel: I do appreciate the fact that it is like getting to the heart of what monogamy is kind of about like, this is a preview of your life to come.

Laurel: yeah. It is both the expectation of like toxic monogamy culture where it's like you have one partner and they're everything and you do everything together and you are attached at the hip.

But it's also the same way typically, like straight men make fun of their wives as like the old ball and chain.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: Like just a weight that is dragging you down.

Daniel: It's also slightly weirdly poly in a certain way because like she's

Laurel: chained to four of them.

Ify: Yeah. Oh yeah.

Exactly. I was like, that will be a polycule. We'll, whether it be by the fact that they accidentally cast poly people or people figure it out, you know? Right. We'll throw a copy of Poly Secure at their head. What happens?

Nichole: Oh, and they all do the workbook together.

Aw.

Ify: Yeah. Yeah.

Daniel: And at the end of the show comes in. It's like, I know that they say that we can unchain ourselves, but I just wanna stay connected.

Yes. Aw.

Nichole: Oh boy.

Daniel: That's actually how we all met. Um, okay. Uh, you ready for the next show?

Nichole: Yes. Yeah.

Daniel: Okay.

Clip: 12 American girls searching for love have moved into an English castle to meet an ordinary guy who is pretending to be a Prince. Welcome to the Fairytale. Oh my

God, how

Ify: beautiful.

Clip: Here we go. We cast a group of fantastic American girls.

Hi, I'm Megan. I'm Andrea, Maggie, Karina. I'm from Mobile, Alabama, Fort Worth, Texas, Long Beach, California. Born and raised, Long Island, New York. I am a preschool teacher, promotional model. I'm Miss Los Angeles County. I'm a pre-med student studying style and molecular biology with an interest in ophthalmology.

Daniel: What

Clip: smart. Yeah. The location we've found is an absolutely beautiful English country house that's been this way for over 400 years, set in hundreds of acres of landscape gardens.

Daniel: We pull up his castle. I doubt in there's Butler's maid standing there to greet you with English accents. It was the cutest thing ever.

Clip: I wonder when we're needing Prince charming, I know

sir is gonna arrive by a helicopter and the lady's gonna be gently having afternoon tea on the lawn, and then they're gonna see someone who looks very well known, step out, he'll be rushed away, and they then will spend hours debating who they think it is.

Oh my, my God, my God. Is that who I think it is? We were definitely thinking like, who is this guy? We had a bunch of different theories. One was an actor, one was an athlete, and the obvious one was that he's Prince Harry.

The stakes have been raised tenfold, and there's gonna be heartache and tears before bedtime.

There will be a masquerade ball in the manor and you'll all be able to get to know, sir. Then

Ify: I remember the show, I remember when it came out. That's some wild work.

Daniel: was this your poly awakening?

Ify: What? It was, we had such a wild, weird show. That is,

Laurel: it's so weird. Like what, like what

Daniel: I think that this one only ran for four episodes because it was so offensive to the Crown.

Laurel: They like issued a cease and desist.

Daniel: Wow.

Ify: If I remember correctly, they don't let them know it's not him until the end. Like that's 'cause Fox used to be real big at like, when you find out the truth, do you still choose this person?

Daniel: Yeah.

Ify: And I think that was the thing. 'cause I think the hook with Joe Millionaire was if they still wanted him after finding out he wasn't a millionaire, they got money anyway, or something like that.

Nichole: Yeah, something like that. Yeah.

Laurel: Are they coaching him to be more Prince Harry like, 'cause obviously they're asking him questions to deduce who he really is.

Nichole: What if somebody didn't know who Prince Harry was?

Laurel: That would

Nichole: be me. Like one of the contestants

Laurel: that would be me.

Nichole: I don't know who you are. Can you just tell me who you are?

Daniel: Is there also a little bit of us exploitation going on here? Like, look at all these fucking messy, crazy American girls

Laurel: Absolutely.

Was it made for American television or was it made for British television?

Nichole: American television,

Daniel: I think it only ran for four episodes in Britain.

Nichole: Oh, they actually ran it in Britain.

Daniel: Yeah.

Ify: and you're correct, it did get pulled after four episodes, but all episodes are available. It's eight episodes total and you can watch all of them on the on demand and Hulu.

Daniel: Wow. Wow.

I don't know. There's a lot of elements that are especially fucked up.

The whole royalty, princess, and that being used, it's not just I'm rich. It's like you are going to have your entire identity changed.

Nichole: Yeah,

Laurel: I mean, they're trying to trot out a literal prince charming scenario, but it's a lie.

Nichole: Yeah.

Laurel: Like,

Nichole: maybe it's just a larger life lesson. Maybe it's like,

Laurel: what are we learning?

Nichole: Yeah.

Ify: It's, it's even worse. I did the research. Oh

Nichole: God.

Ify: Um, so, one of the contestants, Kimberly Birch,

Laurel: this is why you host,

Ify: oh yeah. I gotta get to the bottom.

But, Kimberly Birch said that the production crew really messed with us and were really trying everything they possibly could to convince us that Hicks was Harry, including having a member of the crew pose as a therapist who told the contestants that they needed to stop doubting the situation. Oh my God.

Ultimately Birch compared it to brainwashing.

Daniel: Wow. Wow. So

Ify: fucked up.

Laurel: Holy shit. I know.

To have someone pose as a fucking therapist and then gaslight you.

Daniel: Yeah.

Ify: Yes. Time Magazine reviewed the premiere and compared it as weirdly similar down to minor details to Joe Millionaire. However, unlike Joe Millionaire, the magazine noted that there is no shame or guilt in the deception.

Nichole: Oh my God. Oh man.

Daniel: I just feel like they are looking down on the American girls so much.

Ify: Oh yeah. Just even in this little trailer, they make them seem that they're so dumb. Meanwhile, they have a whole fake therapist telling them, no, it is real. It's real.

Daniel: And the fact that they don't feel bad about it, it's like they're just Americans.

Like,

Ify: yeah.

Daniel: It's like,

oh my God. Wild. Wow.

Wow, wow. so I got one more show for you.

Laurel: Before the preview stops playing, Ify will know everything there is to know about the show.

Clip: Friday, March 12th. This beautiful woman thinks she's gonna choose Mr. Right from a group of bachelors. They're handsome, sexy, and to be perfectly straight, some of them aren't,

Daniel: which is some of these guys are gay. What

Clip: can you tell straight guys from gay ones? Wanna bet a million dollars on it?

She's gonna have to,

Daniel: every little thing that they do, I analyze. I am so confused.

Clip: If she picks a straight guy, they share a million bucks. But if she picks a gay guy, he gets it all.

Daniel: I don't think a gay man would kiss me.

Clip: She's trying to sniff out the gay guy.

Daniel: Some of you are deceiving me. I'm gonna figure it out.

Bring it on.

Clip: Test your gay dar. Playing it Straight. Premieres Friday, March 12th at eight seven Central on Fox. Viewer discretion advised.

Ify: Oh my. Yeah. Fox will pay for their crimes one day.

Clip: One day. Holy

Ify: god. Announcer. Hitting the G in gay harder than I've ever heard. Gay guy, some of them are gay, some of them are straight and some of them are gay.

Wax

Daniel: chest. Your gaydar just like, like everybody just has like gaydar that like, it's rebranding gaydar not as something that queer people use to identify queer people, but as something that straight people use to weed out the gays.

Ify: Yeah. Yeah.

Laurel: Yeah. Very, very, you must beware of the deceitful, deceptive gays

Daniel: because they're out to steal your money too.

They're taking, they're

Laurel: out to steal your

Daniel: money. They're taking all the money. If you choose a straight man, you split it, but the gay mole in your organization is there to fucking take the money and run.

Nichole: Oh my dear Lord.

Laurel: Oh my god. I wanna know if there was like a bar in the Castro when this came out that would televise this.

And they would just be rooting and betting on their gay to get the money Yeah. And run.

Daniel: Yes, yes, yes.

Ify: Wow. Yeah. What a wild concept. Yeah. Of a show. And they made it. They made it,

Nichole: you know,

Ify: it was going,

Laurel: it was on television.

Nichole: Sometimes I am nostalgic for the mid two-thousands, but watching that shit makes me just cringe with like, Jesus Christ.

I'm so glad that I'm not in 2004 anymore.

Laurel: Yeah. You're nostalgic for it until you watch any movie from that era. And every other word is fag. Yeah. And how much they hate trans people.

Yep.

Daniel: Yeah.

I miss the entire musical careers that were based around midriffs.

Laurel: Yeah. Those were good.

Ify: Yeah. Yeah. We can't forget the midriffs.

Daniel: That's the golden age. This is a golden age of midriffs.

That

Laurel: is true. Yeah, that is true. Oh

Nichole: man.

Ify: this was just like that era where reality TV show just was bad. out of the three shows about dating, only one of them were actually trying to connect people. The other two were either trying to like befuddle and confuse women.

Yeah. Or befuddle and confuse a woman,

Daniel: right? Yes.

Ify: Yeah. You know, those were the two options.

Nichole: Wow.

Daniel: Or American women who don't count.

Nichole: I can't believe the Chains of Love one is the one that was the most about connection.

Laurel: Yeah.

That

Nichole: was, it's like actual relationship,

Laurel: the least problematic of all of the shows is the one where you literally chain people together.

it's less monogamy's problem and more just entertainment and the capitalist problem of exploiting people's deep seated need to love and be loved. Has like when we start having shows like this that are revolve around polyamory or non-monogamy in some way, is that when we know we've made it when we can be exploited too,

Daniel: We have that

Nichole: Couple to Throuple.

Daniel: Couple to Throuple baby.

Laurel: That's right. Yeah. I forgot about Couple to Throuple. Yeah. So did

Nichole: everybody

Daniel: else. It was, it was the very first is this poly

Laurel: that we ever did? That's true. Yeah. Did you ever watch Couple to Throuple Ify?

Ify: No. I have had like a weird amount of my

Normy friends bring it up to me as their way to

Nichole: try to connect with you.

Ify: Yeah. It's like I know about polyamory.

Laurel: Yeah. I know what you do. If you go on a television program and select from the meat market which one you're gonna add to your relationship this week.

Ify: Oh, look here, here it is. Um, Playing It Straight was part of Fox's intent to capitalize on a rising interest in LGBT themed reality shows. Oh my Playing It Straight was met with criticism from many television critics who claimed that it reinforced stereotypes and promoted negative portrayal of gay men.

The series premiered to modest ratings, which declined with the broadcast of subsequent episodes. Following its mid-season cancellation, Fox released a full series on their website on pay-per-view basis, the cancellation of Playing It Straight caused network executives to reevaluate their own LGBT related television shows.

Daniel: Oh my God.

I was hoping it was gonna cause them to reevaluate their sexuality. Yeah.

Laurel: If gay men can pretend to be straight, am I just pretending to

Daniel: I would pretend to be straight for a million dollars.

Laurel: For how long?

Daniel: I'm bi, you know, it wouldn't be that difficult for me.

Laurel: Like you're, yeah. You're still talking to a woman so you could,

Daniel: yeah, I mean, if I'm giving like 10 years,

a million, I can then retire to my fucking gay compound. that's no money at all. Now

Laurel: you're not. Yeah. It's no money at all. You're gonna be like nearly 60 at that point in time.

Daniel: Yeah,

Ify: I do have the record of her eliminations on the show.

Daniel: Oh, okay.

And I'll say the first two people eliminated were straight But then on the third episode, this is where I have the biggest question, Eddie, the school teacher who was gay, quit. And I was like, oh, what

Laurel: happened there? Yeah. We need an exposé on Eddie.

Daniel: Oh. That's when he figured out he was straight. Oh

Nichole: no,

Daniel: I gotta

Nichole: go.

I can't split this money.

Daniel: what do they do if they just throw a bi guy in there?

It just breaks the whole system. Yeah, that's

Ify: what I was hoping. Yeah.

Laurel: Bi men don't exist.

Damn. Especially not on Fox News in 2004.

Ify: the show starts off with a warning and goes, attention viewers, the male contestants in this program may be lying or misrepresenting themselves at all times, including in their interviews.

Daniel: Ooh.

Nichole: It's shocking that that didn't continue onto every dating reality TV show.

Daniel: It's shocking that that didn't continue onto every dating app.

Nichole: Yeah,