Laurel: Are all magicians unethical?

Nichole: Does this include like, children's party magicians? Oh,

Daniel: especially party

Nichole: magicians.

Laurel: They're taking advantage of the most exploitable members of our community. The children. The children.

Daniel: I'm

Laurel: giving them a

Daniel: moment of

Nichole: wonder, liberty, and joy.

Daniel: Who's gonna, who's gonna protect the children?

Nichole: Somebody think of the children.



Nichole: Have you guys ever had any desire to go to the Magic Castle? What's the magic castle? What's the magic castle? What's

Daniel: the magic castle?

Nichole: Okay. The magic castle is a collective of magicians who have this giant fuck off place in LA and you can only get in if you know somebody like you can't enter through the doors unless you know somebody and like you become a member.

Nichole: 'cause there are

no doors.

Nichole: Oh yeah. You also like teleport in because you're a

magician.

Nichole: Yeah. Um, But I always found it like, would I want to go?

Nichole: My biggest fear is being pulled up on stage to take part in a magic trick. But there is an element of exclusivity to the magic castle

Daniel: your fear of accidentally getting disappeared in a magic trick is trumped by your desire to be in with the in crowd,

Nichole: potentially.

Nichole: Because also Harry Anderson was a huge part of the Magic Castle.

Daniel: Okay.

Nichole: I find him, I mean, the memory of him hilarious and awesome. And it's one of the things that like, so my parents were like, definitely like LA kids and amateur magicians. No,

Laurel: they were in that scene.

Nichole: Um. But you know, in the, in the early eighties, like they were doing their LA thing, they went to recordings of midnight special, but they also got invited to the Magic Castle.

Nichole: What? And I was so impressed by that. And Harry Anderson was probably there when they went. Wow. But they weren't night court watchers, so they didn't know.

Daniel: So, did your love for Harry Anderson predate. Your love for me 'cause you know Right. that I wanted to be Harry Anderson when I was a kid. Like I mm-hmm. if I could have had, naked ladies on the undersides of my ties, I would've, I feel like what Daniel is asking is,

Laurel: can he take credit for your infatuation with Harry Anderson?

Daniel: Or is this a type and should I be worried? Should I be worried that like about Harry, you should be worried about Harry, should I be worried about me, that you like me, and that it's just my inner Harry Anderson that you're attracted to, which may not be ethical.

Laurel: What part is unethical? Like your inner Harry Anderson is unethical.

Daniel: I mean, I feel uneasy about magicians too, and I feel uneasy about the fact that I was an aspiring childhood magician.

Laurel: We all make mistakes, man. We all were misguided and thought the bad guys were good guys and the good guys were bad guys. You gotta forgive yourself.

Daniel: I mean, now I wanna like exclude Harry Anderson from this judgment.

Daniel: Is it like amab or. Like Is Harry, is it like not all magicians and Harry Anderson is Okay,

Laurel: That's what the question begged.

Daniel: Can we talk more about magicians?

Do we know

Laurel: any,

Daniel: I don't think we're gonna offend anybody if that's what you're worried about.

Laurel: Oh, someone was asking me if we had gotten any hate mail yet. Like any angry letters. Uhhuh. Have we, no, we haven't until this episode. Until this episode? Yeah. Until the magicians write in and are like, yes, I'm an ethical magician. And then they have a bulleted list and it's like really long. But I decided we should do dramatic reenactments of them when we get them.

Nichole: Great. Yes. Okay. Done.

Daniel: I just want to describe Callan's novelties.

What? Oh, your magic store.

Daniel: Yeah. Yeah. Oh. I feel like this isn't the first time.

Daniel: Yeah, but it's the first time, you know, outside of bed. That's true. Sometimes I just need to pause. Mid coitus. And

Laurel: This reminds me of that crusty old magic shop I used to go to

Daniel: full of wonders.

Daniel: So I feel like this magic shop in Portland represented a whole universe at the Venn diagram overlap of crusty old Jewish men and young, nerdy Jewish boys. It was, It was like, it was a wonderland. It was a, it was an alternate universe. You step into this novelty store and it is a mixture of magic tricks, like prepackaged magic tricks.

Daniel: In little kits, classic novelties joy buzzers, x-ray specks, packets of gum that would snap on your fingers. Ventriloquism dummies. Scary, oh God. Scary wigs and fake mustaches and costumes for stage. And there was like so many stores in the eighties and nineties. A corner that was adult novelties of course.

Daniel: And so you just turned a corner and all of a sudden there was like a rack full of like naked coloring books and I wish stores like this still existed. Me too. Me too. There's not much that I long for that is extinct in life. Yeah. But Callan's novelties like is a place that I want to return to.

Nichole: I think the closest now that we have is the peculiar.

Nichole: Mm. Yeah. Yeah.

Daniel: For those of you outside of Portland, the peculiar is like a place where you can get novelty pictures taken and there are like, you know, fortune telling fish, that kind of thing you can buy, right?

Nichole: Yeah. You took me there when one of the times Darla was in the emergency room, Darla, our dog

Nichole: To try and cheer me up. Aw. Aw.

You're like,

Nichole: take a photo with Bigfoot.

Laurel: Here

Nichole: honey. Take a photo

Laurel: With Bigfoot,

Daniel: it's the only thing that consoles her when she's really at the edge. Sometimes I have to dress up in my big furry suits.

Nichole: Aw. Walk hunched like 50 feet away,

Laurel: dragging your knuckles through the bushes in the backyard.

Well, don't make that noise. Welcome to Poly Amateur Hour.

Nichole: I'm Nicole.

I'm Daniel. I'm

Laurel: Laurel.

Laurel: What's our first segment? We can do crazy, sexy, poly,



Laurel: So yeah, it was very crazy. Sexy Polly involves

Laurel: one very ill dog, lots of blood vomit and poop. It's a warning. So warning trigger warning and the island of Oahu.

Laurel: Are you intrigued yet

Daniel: audience, you get to assemble the components yourself? Oh yeah. Guess who's vomiting blood. Guess who's in Oahu? What does the dog have to do with it?

Laurel: Oh my God. So, um, my partner, my partner Derek, his father passed away. And it happened it happened kind of subtly like.

Laurel: In the turn of the new year, it was like you know, found out kind of suddenly and unexpectedly that he was very ill. And obviously Derek was very stressed and distraught and it was on him and his sister to plan the service.

Laurel: The service was out of town to accommodate other family to make sure that they could be there.

Laurel: And right the day I was supposed to leave for the service, like gonna get my memoir was gonna come pick me up and we were gonna drive out to Derek's place together. My dog threw up blood that morning and I think I called you, did I call you?

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: And I was like, I'm coming right over.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: You can't be, you can't be codependent without me. I have to take you and your dog to the emergency, emergency veterinarian.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: No one should go alone.

Laurel: So anyway, yeah. So Zoe's uh, she threw up and it looks like there's specks of blood in it.

Laurel: So I called Daniel and Daniel's like, don't worry, and we'll go to the vet together. And then Daniel kept an eye on her over the weekend while I was at the funeral and she seemed relatively okay.

Laurel: Right.

Daniel: Yeah, she was doing better. And there, there is like a a plot twist revealed at the end. Stay tuned for what was making the dog sick.

Laurel: Yeah, it was fun. Okay. Okay. Keep going. So

Laurel: came back on Sunday the dog is doing a little bit better, but I literally have one day in between getting back from this funeral service and then getting on a flight to go on vacation to Hawaii, which is like a vacation. Derrick and I had planned for some time before. Everything with his father con transpired, not conspired.

Daniel: Sometimes it's seems like a conspiracy. Sometimes it seems like

Laurel: a conspiracy. I had asked my roommate to watch her while I was in Hawaii

Laurel: , and so Daniel was sort of like on call, but also probably, probably for my roommate, the easiest person for him to contact when he didn't know what to do. So, uh, anyway, I get to Hawaii. We're still like decompressing from Derek's father passing and.

Laurel: we're staying with his friends there. We're just gonna chill and hang out, you know, had some nice time on the beach or whatever.

Laurel: okay, yeah, we're Foolishly, we're kinda like, we're gonna switch gears and like have vacation time and not be sad anymore.

Laurel: And then I start getting the text messages of the dog is sick again.

Laurel: She is. Pooping and vomiting all over the place. It is bloody. She does. She did the thing. You know when animals panic when they're having like, like bad bowel movements it is just like happening and they run and then it makes a bigger mess all over everything.

Laurel: So this is what my roommate was dealing for a period of time before he was just like, fuck no. And then called Daniel.

Daniel: It's if there was a streaker with diarrhea,

Laurel: but you can't just hose down this football field. Yeah.

Daniel: Yeah. .

Laurel: Daniel is giving me like, updates from the vet while I'm trying to like tour beautiful research facilities off the coast of Oahu.

Laurel: And then eventually it just becomes very clear like, I need to go home. Like I talked to Derek about it and he was just like, yeah, you need to go home. And I was very caught between this like, I wanna be here with you.

Laurel: I wanna like, you know, help lift your spirits. And also like, it had just been a fucking month and I was like so excited to have a vacation. One that was just truly like, free of obligation and like the obligation was like, get to the beach for sunrise.

Laurel: And then just like having to leave that like three days early. I was just so sad. I, Everything just felt like really bleak and I think like I had put a lot of pressure on that vacation as like. new beginnings. I had been so excited for the new year. Like I was just, I was feeling really good, I was feeling healthy. And then everything just kind of like landslide out of control.

Laurel: And then of course, like after inauguration, you're just like, the news is just needling into your eye hole.

Daniel: Yeah. Surprise. That's what made Zoe sick.

Laurel: Thanks Obama.

Laurel: Um, this is the poly mind fuck part.

It's like a game of telephone with plenty of feedback. Invited three horses only pizza balls on

Blame it.

Laurel: So anyways, I came home and I, I uh, I wasn't grateful to Daniel. Like I wasn't expressing gratitude for you, taking care of her. Even when like, you weren't the person that was supposed to be there for her. Like you just showed up and did it. When like other people had to tap out. And then I got home and I was like a little bitch.

Laurel: I was like,

eh, my vacation ruined me.

Laurel: Like, all of that would've been impossible without you. Like I couldn't have even gotten, you know, the three days on vacation or whatever, or the two days for a funeral. Um, Zoe seemed like she was doing a little better after a while. And then I started mixing in her regular food again. And then the symptoms started coming back and god dammit, I'm pretty sure she just has a fucking pork allergy.

Laurel: She's Jewish.

Daniel: I mean, her, her human mom is Jewish, so,

and she's got a

Nichole: lot of anxiety. That's true. Just say that not eating pork is an allergy. It's just all she's are allergic to pork.

Laurel: They're lactose intolerant and allergic to pork.

Daniel: You know, she's just really pretentious about the whole thing. She's like, well the reason why that's in the laws of kashrut is because there was a lot there were a lot of contaminants and diseases that were transmissible in pork in the biblical age. Yeah.

Daniel: And this is what has driven you now to go bashiva and return to your Judaism.

Daniel: And we're all just doing our best to support you. Um, It, you know, interest. Interesting. You know, time to, to get into it politically.

Laurel: Yeah. I know. It

was God

Laurel: all

along. So

Nichole: I don't think I told you about . Ooh. Daniel had taken Zoe. To the emergency room. Yeah. The second time.

Nichole: Right. And then um,

Daniel: our viewers just love the hilarious stories about animal illness. Yeah.

Nichole: Well this is my response to animal illness. Yeah. So Daniel's like, I'm gonna bring Zoe over there. And I was like, great, cool. He's like, we need to give her a bath. And I'm like, great. Cool. Oh no. So I get our dogs in the office, Uhhuh, right.

Nichole: I. Stripped down to almost nothing because I know that she's covered shitting and vomiting everywhere. I get some

Nichole: and I'm like, I'm ready. So I, I receive and um, I helped Daniel like out of his shoes and all this shit because I was like, we can't like be in there.

Daniel: Um,

Daniel: And I just walk in the door and I'm like, she's just like naked with like, with like rubber gloves.

Daniel: I'm like, Hey babe, I. I'm totally into experimenting, but we've kind of got an emergency right now with the animal. Oh my God. So, so we have , a, like a, like a runway of towels down on the, down on the floor and then just got the other dogs in the other room.

Daniel: My God. It's just, we're treating the rest of the house. Like an airlock dog in Yeah, dog into the bathroom. Shut the door. Other dogs also other dogs start barking,

Nichole: but also dog in bathroom. Get uh, like bite guard on dog. Oh, because Zoe does not like being washed. No. Yeah. And so we have to get her in this Hannibal Lecter muzzle.

Nichole: Like muzzle. So we finally get in and,

Nichole: yeah. Wow. It was so crazy and so sexy.

Daniel: So Polly. This is what Metamours are for.

Laurel: Oh my God, guys. It really takes a village. She's already a sensitive dog when she is. Still or injured. She definitely goes into kind of feral mode.

Nichole: But eventually. Daniel was able to get Zoey into a kennel, get Darla into a kennel, and dashel just chill on the couch.

Nichole: Oh. And they were all chilling out. Just chilling. Yep. They have their

own little Yep. Space cave.

Daniel: Except occasionally they would like start to do like little quiet wine. Growls Dash would go and, and, and uh, Zoe would start to go and Darla go. Woo.

Nichole: Like they were starting their engines

Nichole: on your marks, the fast and the furries.

I watch that.

Daniel: I gotta say, it's strange that it's such a relief to get away from all like the emotional turmoils and me feeling overlooked. Oh God. And you feeling like you're. Vacation was destroyed. And just really get into a good, funny story about a shit covered dog that's trying to bite you.

Daniel: My

baby, my poor baby.

Daniel: That's the story at its core. If we can just remember that there is a, there is a biting shit ball

Laurel: underneath, underneath all the pain,

Nichole: disappointment and the naked wife like

Nichole: trying to,

trying to help However she can hand me the naked shit ball, or

Laurel: not the naked shit ball, the biting shit ball.

Laurel: I guess she's technically naked,

Daniel: so we put the diapers on her until we put the

Laurel: diapers on her. Oh, well thank you for sharing that story. Yeah, you're welcome. Finally got it out. Finally got it out without crying.

Nichole: Yay. Yay. Shall we

Daniel: call it a day?

Nichole: Shall we

move on to ask the amateurs?

Ask the Amateurs: If you got questions, don't de.

Daniel: Today. We don't have any long questions on deck, but we've got a lot of short, fun popcorn questions that we can just pop in our mouth and suck on.

Laurel: All right. All right. We'll start with a fun one first. How does safe sex work with multiple partners are Back to condoms forever.

Daniel: This is a very special, this is a very special question because it's got a big four in there too. Yeah. It's

Laurel: four. The number four ever. Like, It's

Daniel: the, like it's the name of a girl band.

Laurel: Yeah. Or like a half of a charm on a bracelet that you share with your best friend. How does it work guys? Um,

Daniel: Does it work? You know how Laurel has mentioned that being poly is just a lot of trips back and forth to the airport to give your partners rides. It's also a lot of trips back and forth.

Daniel: To the clinic and the lab 'cause we just get tested. Non fucking stop.

Laurel: Do you have to, do you have to drive your own blood and urine samples to the lab you just said allowed back and forth to the clinic and the lab.

Daniel: I've got like a special super chill naturopath that's like a really skilled and educated version of Dr.

Daniel: Chein from 30 Rock, where she'll just like, if I have a question, I just Google chat her. Oh, nice. If I need my STI panel, I'm just like. Write me up an order and then I print it out and I take it to the lab with me.

Daniel: I cut out the middleman, go straight to the poker.

Laurel: Oh, interesting. Because I still go I still go to my doctor's office. It's just like you, I go straight to the phlebotomist.

Nichole: Me too.

Laurel: Yeah. And then they still send it to a lab somewhere, but I don't go directly to a lab. But I think that's

Nichole: also, I couple it with. Like gynecological appointments. Yeah.

Nichole: You know? Yeah. 'cause there are some swabs that they can do while they're in there, right.

While you're

Nichole: at it. Exactly. Well, so I think that's why maybe Laurel, and while you're ling my cervix, oh fuck. I, it um, maybe that's why Laurel and I have different experiences. What of

Daniel: Doctor you going to that's tickling your cervix?

Daniel: Wouldn't you like to know literally

every doctor? Like that's, that's, That's what they get paid to do. Yeah. Could, Could Chico. Could Chico.

Nichole: It feels more like a scrape and it's not pleasant. It's really, I don't wanna think about it. I really don't think about it for the latter half of the question though.

Nichole: There is one partner who I will have unburied sex with.

Nichole: He

who shall

Laurel: not be

named.

Daniel: I mean, are we gonna disclose who we raw dog and who we don't? Raw dog? No. Someone else has to write in with that question. Who you? Raw dog. And

Daniel: We don't all use barriers with everybody, though

Nichole: It's beyond STIs though. It's also um, I'm no longer on birth control. Yeah.

Daniel: Oh yeah. And

Nichole: not everybody that I sleep with has a vasectomy. Yeah. Yes. So,

Daniel: and you are incredibly fertile. Like people can just tell.

Nichole: I really don't think I am. I don't,

Daniel: I really like

the number,

Nichole: The number of close calls out there.

Nichole: I mean, I don't know what I was doing the first half of my twenties because I was drinking. And so yeah. I probably had unburied sex a lot more than I like to think that I did. Right. And I never got pregnant. That's good. And I think it's because of all of the, horrific challenges I had with my health.

Nichole: Um, That might have been what saved me. Yeah. Actually is this mass that was in my uterus, like that, that could have been, it actually.

Daniel: Always it was, it was sentient and it would defend you

Laurel: hot. It played like a fruit ninja, but with sperm, they splattered everywhere.

Daniel: So more important than condoms forever. We talk a lot about sexual health. With new partners. With existing partners. Um, We tell little stories. Um, You know, we, we say, you know,

Laurel: funny story Sky slept with last week tested positive for gonorrhea in his throat.

Daniel: Yeah.

Daniel: Ha

Laurel: ha Ha.

Laurel: It's okay. We use condoms forever.

Nichole: But that is the thing is that like, there's, there's barriers, but in addition to barriers, you also have to have like basically constant conversation. Yeah.

Laurel: Yeah. In transparency. I feel like that's the big thing. And one of the really nice things about polyamory, and maybe in our like specific circle of polyamory is that it's easy to be transparent and have a lot of conversations about it.

Laurel: I, There was a time in my life where it felt awkward to have the sexual health talk prior to hooking up or whatever. And now it doesn't. Now it's just it's super easy if you think like you're gonna get caught in the heat of the moment, I just text about it beforehand.

Daniel: Yeah.

Nichole: I will also say that I don't think condoms are bad.

Nichole: This is a tip. Hot tip.

Daniel: Cut a hole in the end of the condom.

Keep her forever. Project 2025. Dear Lord.

Nichole: Um, Just know that non latex condoms are an option. Oh god.

Yeah. Because it took me

Nichole: way too long

to figure out that I was allergic to latex.

Yes. A thousand percent. Yes.

Daniel: And we're not talking, we're not talking lamb skin. No.

Nichole: There are absolutely non latex condoms that work, that are effective and that apparently feel good for men.

Daniel: They're way thinner. They actually feel way better than latex condoms.

Yeah. I just can't believe, I cannot believe.

Yeah, agreed. It took me that long. Agreed. Yeah.

Daniel: I mean, though I like to still use latex condoms every now and then just to align myself with the suffering and the shame and the unpleasantness , just so I don't enjoy myself too much, you know?

Alright.

Laurel: Wow. What a sacrifice. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you for your service, sir. Yeah. Try out those non latex condoms just. Yeah, just do it. I do think like the question in general, I think it's worth pointing out that like a lot of people likely do have a primary or main partner that they don't use condoms with.

Laurel: If they're in a PIV situation. And by standard practice we'll use condoms with everybody else unless they're like larger conversations and a certain amount of established commitment, not necessarily relationship commitment, but commitment to boning. . So sometimes I think there are people who put, uh, attach meaning to unburied sex.

Daniel: Laurel is staring at me with a, with cold, icy glare.

Laurel: Disgusting. People definitely do. People definitely do. Yeah. And I think it's also worth having that conversation is this a perceived like escalation of like emotional intimacy or is it just sexual intimacy?

Laurel: Because it, it gets. It gets tricky. When you start having those conversations and it's like, oh, well I see this person a lot more often and I would like to have unburied sex with them, but maybe that means we don't have unburied sex together anymore. And so emotions like get into it

Nichole: yeah.

Daniel: In a perfect world.

Laurel: Yeah. Tell us about your perfect world.

Laurel: Mm-hmm. Everybody comes in, everybody all the time.

It's a miracle. I don't like this. I don't like this character.

Laurel: Why is he coming in? Everybody. What does he talk like that?

Daniel: I'm cream pie Charlie. Oh God. Oh god.

Next question.

Oh my God. Oh my God.

Laurel: Oh, okay. Um. How do you see your relationships evolving as you get older? Like

relationships with each other or just in general?

Laurel: I think in general, I was looking at it and thinking like, like also like your relationship structures and whatnot. 'cause I have noticed like, um as I get older, I one have less energy or time for dating and value like long-term commitments, more.

Laurel: And sometimes, like occasionally when I picture myself, like in my sixties or seventies okay, like I have this like core, like poly Q mm-hmm. And I'm not like actively like seeking other dates or whatever. And maybe there's, you know, still like flirting or like hooking up with like friends or stuff in that larger part, poly Q.

Laurel: But I don't imagine being as motivated to seek out dates, like on the internet. But that's also maybe just my con conception of aging, and I'm wrong about that.

Daniel: Oh no, you are like, as somebody who's got a, a little bit of a head start.

Daniel: On both of you in the old.

Daniel: Department, I absolutely have way less energy to meet new people. It's not just a matter of you know, corresponding with people. Like, I really don't want to just sit down and like type with my thumbs on, on, on an app with somebody I don't know,

Daniel: yes. All of that is like a pain, but also like, feel like I gotta put on a show for new people.

Daniel: Mm.

Mm-hmm. Like,

Daniel: Here's who I am and I just don't want to do that anymore. So I value time not only with my partners, my existing partners, more. But with my friends. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Daniel: People who know me, people who I know who we have shorthands of communication with each other and that I don't feel like I have to tap dance and fart

on time. It's a good show. It's,

Nichole: I have thought about this, like what the future looks like.

Nichole: But I haven't thought about it in the context of polyamory necessarily. Mm-hmm. Um, Because I've always had the idea and the inclination that like, community is going to be a big part of my aging.

Yeah. Yeah. Because

Nichole: loneliness is an epidemic.

Nichole: The older you get. And so a big part of that is 12 step community. That's just part of it. And of course, you know, my best friend and I are gonna be living in a Golden Girls style, you know, sprawling house with our wings and, and um, taking care of each other and related I think I will remain a slut my entire life.

Nichole: So I will be blanche um, where my polyamory in the future probably is more like consensual non-monogamy. And I'm just sleeping around. Love it. Um. Mm-hmm. That is my goal.

Daniel: Well, that makes cream pie Charlie happy.

Oh God. Oh God.

Laurel: Is cream pie Charlie? Like a cartoon cream pie

Laurel: with like,

Nichole: no, can't do it. I can't do it.

Daniel: But just the dessert, A cream pie, not the Oh, sure. Yeah sure, sure.

Daniel: Yeah,

Laurel: yeah, yeah, yeah, Yeah. Of course.

Daniel: It's like an emoji.

Laurel: Yeah. Absolutely. That's what I was thinking of.

Laurel: I agree, Nicole, and when I like picture the future or aging like I do like to imagine having that community around me. Mm-hmm. Regardless of if that is like partners or close friends or whatever. But it's also like a good reminder that you need to keep friends of varying ages.

Laurel: So the young ones can come check on you.

Nichole: I mean, I was going the opposite way of having friends of various ages, like one of my closest friends is in his fifties. Isn't, you know, he's a gay man of a certain age.

Daniel: Um, I'm glad that he wasn't offended that I described him.

Nichole: He texted it to me the other day.

Nichole: Um, But he is somebody who I look to not necessarily for guidance, but just what living life fully means. Mm. Yeah.

Mm.

Laurel: Who, Who does the 40, under 40? I guess a lot of different publications do that.

Laurel: But I think there should be 80. Over 80. Mm-hmm. A thousand percent. There

Daniel: are magazines that do that. Are there Yeah, I've seen this.

Daniel: Yeah. Unless my memory is just failing, getting old.

Nichole: Um, Because

Laurel: you almost qualify Yes. That Daniel's been sending in his applications.

Daniel: Hearing you talk about this. Made me think about different types of power in our culture and how it's distributed. Among the ages. And that while youth have progressively gotten more and more of the cultural power, like we look to the very, very young for our music, for our sex symbols, for our, actors the in crowd and the it girls and it boys and it thems are getting younger and younger.

Daniel: Yeah. While all the hard power is swinging the other way. Yeah. Where it's now consolidated all among the very very old,

Laurel: yeah. I mean, we can talk about the consolidation of wealth and how like, the ability to obtain wealth has been stripped from younger generations and continues to be, and that's what like carries power in our current oligarchy.

Nichole: But that is true that I mean, there's, there is a dichotomy of like youth obsessed culture as far as like taste makers and who we are looking to for beauty standards. Mm-hmm. And then there is the actual hard power of like, who owns things. Right.

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: I think it was the actor Sydney Sweeney, she was talking about how she ever wanted to get pregnant.

Nichole: She would have to take some time off from acting and she couldn't afford it. Because the economy is so bad for any kind of working artist that it's like that basic safety net is just not there anymore.

Laurel: Yeah. And I think oftentimes, like whatever wealth or power they are accumulating is often controlled by somebody else. Yes.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: Free

Britney. Brittany is free.

Laurel: Oh, wasn't it? Was she free? Was she? She's free. Okay. Yeah. I am clearly not up to date on shit. That was like two years ago. Yeah.

Daniel: Brittany, if you are safe, knock twice.

Next question.

Laurel: Okay. Um, What's your elevator speech for polyamory?

Laurel: IE description? So succinct. You could do it in the time, it would take an elevator to go from the fifth floor down to the lobby.

Daniel: Now I have a literal elevator speech because I like to try and sell people on polyamory and relationships with myself when I get into an elevator with strangers.

Yeah. It's

Daniel: one of my go-to elevator conversations. Yeah. Yeah.

Laurel: So this is more of a definition than a pitch, but I usually say it's multiple concurrent romantic relationships with the informed consent of everybody involved. That sounds like a pitch to me.

Laurel: Yeah. You

Nichole: sold, yeah. Mm-hmm. Get in losers.

Nichole: Um, Do you like rides to the airport? Do you like giving rides to the airport?

Laurel: How much do you love the route to the airport? Have you noticed that billboard on the way to the airport? That's my pitch.

Daniel: Have you ever felt inclined to romantically love more than one person at once? If I'm looking at an elevator pitch as how to sell polyamory I am looking to help somebody see that propensity within themselves.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Daniel: So have you ever felt the inclination to love more than one person? How would you like to have a completely honest relationship with your partners so that you are able to share all of your attractions and flirtations and fears

Nichole: that is absolutely a selling point for me. Mm-hmm. And it's something that I talk about a lot.

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: Because I think that. One of the reasons I love polyamory is because it requires radical honesty and it also requires a lot of work.

Nichole: And I'm, I have a propensity for self-work anyway. And not doing that work alone

Nichole: Is that's such a gift.

Laurel: I always thought about it too, in terms of like not limiting the potential of any given relationship.

Laurel: Or, and doing so like artificially because you just happen to have another relationship of that type.

Daniel: And here's, I think a big one for me. How would you like to be able to love without a sense of grasping, loneliness?

Daniel: And I'm not saying that you're able to do that in a polyamorous relationship because. You have enough people to keep you company.

Daniel: What I'm saying is that it forces you to interact with everybody as autonomous beings and not as a extension of yourself. And for me, you know, I guess the elevator has already gotten to its destination at this point with you. What

Laurel: you Moose Lee? Daniel actually just like ran his hand over all of the buttons in the elevator.

Daniel: You get into the fucking elevator with me and I press the emergency stop. That's really gonna sell 'em. Yeah. It's allowed me to work on my codependency issues and my jealousy and my sense of need more than. Monogamous relationships ever allowed me to do. Mm-hmm. So, hey, do you struggle with those things?

Daniel: Don't look at polyamory as like a challenge because it's gonna make you so jealous. Oh, you could never handle it. Look at it as finally you working on those issues in a day-to-day basis so you can actually be free from them.

Laurel: Yeah. Liberate yourself.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: Okay we'll, we'll fold this all into our next advertising campaign.

Laurel: Very convincing.

Nichole: I guess I would also ask, do you wanna sleep with me? Yeah.

This is

Laurel: Polly Pussy only.

Nichole: I dunno if it's a selling point, but it's an offer. It's a pitch.

Daniel: The polyamory elevator pitch works best when each one of us gets on with the stranger at a different floor.

Laurel: Oh. Like you keep adding uhhuh people to the pitch

Daniel: and then, you know, by the time you get to like the, the third or fourth floor then, then it's like, would you like to sleep with us?

Laurel: Yeah.

Laurel: First ones come on. Yeah. How would you like to date her? Next one comes along. What about her next one? What about all of us? Eh, eh, Eh. Right. Where's, Where's Mr. Cream Pie? Charlie? Cream Pie?

Laurel: When is he up here? What, What floor does he get on it?

Daniel: I I like that you're, I like that you're uh, you're Tin Manning it. You are Charlie Cream Pie.

Nichole: I also think that would cause whomever we are selling to, to run force, the doors open

Daniel: between floors, crawl out. The sixth person to get in the elevator is in a mascot suit of Charlie.

Laurel: So our guest just went full diehard on it.

What's next?

Daniel: I think next up is everybody's favorite segment. Unicorn hunter hunters. Yeah.

Do you.

Daniel: So. I realized something about our definition of unicorn hunters.

Mm-hmm. What did you, What did you realize that it was vague and broad?

Daniel: Yeah. Yes. I mean, we started off with the goal of it being like just hetero couples looking for a bisexual woman. Mm-hmm. That's the classic definition.

Daniel: But I think our very first unicorn hunters that we were looking at, were looking for a man as well. Yeah. Yeah. So then I think a couple episodes back we came around to, oh, it's just behavior that we don't like.

Laurel: Yeah. If we're, If we're being honest,

Daniel: but that's also not true because we did one unicorn hunter profile and perhaps one of the mo more unicorn huntery profiles that we've done.

Daniel: We actually really liked,

oh, I don't remember, but cool. Las Vegas. Oh, swinger Olympics. People, People. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Daniel: So I think I'm gonna take this opportunity for our unicorn hunter segment of today to be like, it is just a couple who only play together looking for something to add.

Okay. Got it. All. Alright.

Daniel: Anybody can be the unicorn.

Anybody. Okay.

Daniel: Okay. Because spoiler alert, I'm gonna share one today that I kind of like.

Mm. Here's the profile. We definitely look like a cis white, heteronormative couple, but we aren't shruggy emoji. Sorry. Still figuring out our, still figuring out our internal queerness and dismantling based views.

Daniel: I'm not sure if there's a missing word there.

Was it

Laurel: supposed to say biased?

Daniel: Good call. Yeah, that's it. Good job.

Laurel: Because I think the kids think based means something cool. It's

Daniel: totally

Laurel: based. Yeah. I think that's how that works

Daniel: in a killer relationship. On theme, in a killer relationship. Looking for like people, I think there's missing words here too.

Daniel: Looking for like

Laurel: people looking for or is it for people like us? Like-minded people. Like-minded, Exactly. Uh, Yeah. Okay.

Daniel: Looking for like people to hang out and have a good time with. We prefer to develop relationships with others first. We are pretty fucking awesome, even if we're mentally ill.

Daniel: We love to travel and explore, but an ideal weekend is not anything involving copious amounts of people. All about having a good game night. Sorry, Laurel. We have a closet under the stairs filled with the best shit.

Laurel: What?

Daniel: I still haven't decoded this, but I'm curious what the best shit is. Is it like, is it related to the games?

Laurel: Yeah. Is it, is that where they keep their games or is it where they keep their goblins or where or is it

where they keep you?

Daniel: Uh, Yeah, I was thinking, I was thinking of very cramped dungeon. Yeah, yeah, Yeah. Um, Only slightly sore losers if the game is close or if we lose to each other. So maybe it's about the game.

Oh yeah.

Daniel: It's all about the game. Really looking forward to people who can be a part of our community and be a part of our life. Authenticity is most important to us. We are all about people coming as they are versus who they are expected to be. Redacted. Five 10 hairy chested, piercings, tattoos, vegetarian plant emoji, all games tech nerd redacted.

Daniel: Five, eight. Great proportions, tattoos and piercings. Artsy and crafty. A spooky goth with a heart of gold. Also, vegetarian, avocado emoji, child free, and Cali sober. No worries on if you are or not.

Daniel: So. Okay. Granted emojis there.

Nichole: Okay. To piss

Daniel: off. To piss off Nicole and Game Night to piss off Laurel. I'm so fucking mad. But what you think,

Nichole: I mean, they don't describe an individual that they're looking for.

No, they do not. No. They say, come as you are.

Nichole: It feels like they're looking more for community than they are a unicorn.

Daniel: I think they're looking for people who will come to their game nights and fuck them.

Simple. Ask.

Come to game night. Come for the games. Stay for the sex. Come for the games.

Nichole: Stay for the come.

Daniel: I've been a bad influence today.

Daniel: Alright. Are we now writing taglines to attract people to their sex game nights? Yes, we are. You're all what's happening? Yeah.

I did like the part where they

Laurel: said we're awesome, even though we're mentally ill. I hard identify with that. Yeah. Yeah. I thought that was cute and funny. Yeah.

Daniel: And it didn't feel like a self-deprecating, like brag, right.

Daniel: It felt like really genuine.

Yeah.

Nichole: Typically it's like redacted is these proportions, this da da da da da. Redacted is da da da da. You are. Busy bit list of requirements that you have to be, and it really feels like they're just, they're taking all comers.

Yeah. You are between four, three and seven. 10

40 to 800 pounds, 40.

Daniel: I mean, are the only unicorn hunters that we are really going to like , are they going to not be really unicorn hunters? Is that the deal?

Yeah, probably. Yeah, I think so.

Daniel: So once in a while I bring a ringer. Yeah.

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: And be like here, here's how you can as a couple, seek play partners responsibly.

Nichole: Yeah.

Nichole: Do they say anything about what they're looking for?

Daniel: Nope.

Nichole: They don't specify an individual person or couples or anything?

Daniel: No. Just that

Nichole: you have to like games. So laurel's outta the running,

laurel's out. Fuck her.

Daniel: You have to tolerate emojis.

Laurel: I mean, they allude to the fact that they appear straight, but are working on it.

They're

Laurel: working on it but, but nothing more specific about their sexuality.

Daniel: Yeah. Which also strikes me as like a great deal of like honesty about where they're at.

Yeah. Right.

Daniel: They're like, we look straight. We're not straight. We'd like to be less straight. Yeah. Which is also something that I can identify with.

Mm-hmm.

Nichole: So we rate unicorn hunters on three categories.

First one is self-aggrandizement.

Daniel: Next one is arbitrary rules.

Third one is wood. We unicorn.

Daniel: So self-aggrandizement.

Daniel: I mean they say that they're pretty fricking awesome. But that's as far as they go and mentally ill. Do they earn a point then lose a point and

Laurel: whoa, whoa, Whoa. But let's also talk about that closet under the stairs, because that was like a fucking brag. Yeah, it's like whipping it out, putting it on the table and daring someone to measure.

Laurel: They have a place that has stairs,

that means there's at least a second floor.

Daniel: But if it is about, if it is about their games, it is the nerdiest like flex that I have ever heard. We've got the best games.

Laurel: Hey, just 'cause it's not your flex doesn't mean it's not a flex. I'm gonna give them a solid two.

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: Two. Yep. Yeah. Point for the uh, we are pretty freaking awesome. Point for the the games under the stairs. The games Under the stairs, um, all right. Arbitrary Rules. Arbitrary rules. There are

none. None.

Zero. Zero, right. Zero.

Laurel: Yeah. It was just, oh, no. Oh, you gotta be authentic. I don't think they even said you gotta be. I think they just said they appreciate authenticity.

Nichole: They're like, we're Cali sober. It's okay if you are or not. Doesn't, Doesn't

Daniel: really matter.

Nichole: Zero

Laurel: rules. Zero.

Daniel: I don't think we've ever given anybody a zero on anything.

Laurel: I think you're right.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: Okay.

Laurel: I think I tried to give someone a negative on something once I.

Nichole: Yeah, I think I was so freaked out by one that I like couldn't scream loud enough to display my displeasure. All right. Would you unicorn?

Daniel: I mean, I think I gave the spoiler alert. Yes, I would. And I have been corresponding with them. Oh. Although they have dropped the ball a little bit. So hence I felt I was within my rights to um, to trot them out for the public eye.

Laurel: I'm just gonna say, it sounds like I'd have to spend too much time playing games and probably not. Just 'cause there's no other access point for hanging out with them.

And I, we probably could find one, but I don't have the energy to figure out what that is. Yeah.

Nichole: I mean.

It takes so much for me to want to meet somebody.

Exactly. And then to want to meet somebody

Laurel: times two.

Nichole: Yeah. I mean, typically I have a reason not to unicorn, which is like, they freak me out. I don't fit their rules. Right. I don't wanna join a cult right now. Not right now. No, not right now.

Daniel: Yeah.

Daniel: But as we're looking towards how our relationships are going to change as we age,

Nichole: maybe, you know,

Daniel: col can be cult, can be kind of supportive, you know?

Nichole: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Um, But this is just straight up. Like I just don't, I don't, I just, this is not

your people. It, yeah. Yeah. That's fair. That's fair.

Daniel: Wow. Am I the only one?

I think so. I think so.

Daniel: Well see you guys

so long.

Daniel: I'm headed out to redacted town.

Get along Little Pony. That's okay. I think that's okay. Yeah, that's okay.

Daniel: Yeah,

We're all

Daniel: different people. We can each have our own unicorn hunters.

Nichole: We can each have our own. I think it says a lot about me that the one that I was most repelled by, I was also secret, like thinking to myself, am I so repulsed? Because I actually want this.

Nichole: And you have to listen back, figure out which one that one is.

Daniel: Oh, making a me yawn.

Laurel: Sorry.

You guys are

Nichole: gonna go celebrate your anniversary, right?

Laurel: It's our three year anniversary today. Congratulations.

Nichole: Congrats to you two us. I like you both. And I like you together. Aw,

Laurel: Daniel, I are just like. Sheepishly like smiling.

Daniel: We're like, We're like, Nicole's Furbies. What? Aw,

Laurel: we're your furbies for some reason? Your feral furbies. What? Nicole's. Nicole's feral Furbies. That's our next merch. God.

Daniel: It's like a, it's like a store down by the beach. You know

Nichole: those beach towns that have a store that sells one thing, like the year-round Christmas shop in Lincoln City? Yeah.

It's Nicole's barrel fur.

Laurel: That is like a whole thing now where people like modify Furbies and make just like what? Yeah, they make ridiculous furbies or glue little furby faces onto other things.

Laurel: It's a whole, you can find it on the internet.

Nichole: No, thank you.

Laurel: But you need it for merchandise at your store. Oh, okay.

Daniel: They'll make like, um,

Laurel: long ones.

Daniel: Like super furbies.

Laurel: Yeah, like a one long furby.

Daniel: Like a fractal furby like furbies upon Furies.

Oh my God, I hate this.

Daniel: Yeah,

I could get into it. This, you can take over my store.

This will be our

Nichole: lifetime. It's your store, but you refuse to work in it. This is a start of our lifetime original movie. Like I'm the bitch boss who doesn't wanna take responsibility for this endeavor that she undertook, and I've got big ideas. And then an out of town developer comes wants and he wants to buy the franchise.

Nichole: And the me, the bitch boss is like, of course. Take it. Take it.

And I'm like, no, we've gotta save feral furbies. And you fall

Daniel: in love with the developer. Yeah. I'm gonna turn it into a cream pie. Charlie's

Nichole: no.

PAH Outro: This has been Poly Amateur Hour, a production of Risa Records. If you have a question for Ask the Amateurs or a recommendation for, is This Poly, please email us at Poly Amateur hour@gmail.com. If you enjoyed the show and you know you did, you perv, please subscribe to us on your pod Catcher of Choice.

PAH Outro: Leave us a five star review and most importantly, tell at least one person in your life to check us out. Or four. Remember, the advice given by the amateurs should not be followed unless you are prepared to be ecstatically happy, successful, and strange. Until next time.

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