You don't remember? I can't remember. Fuck. My memory is so bad lately.

Nichole: You guys were laughing while I was upstairs. We

Laurel: were having a honky good time.

Nichole: Yeah, I heard you honking.

Daniel: Honk! Did white people have a good time? Uh It's a hayride.

Laurel: I can't remember what it was.

Daniel: Oh, you were talking about Mormons.

Oh!

Laurel: Yeah.

Laurel: Sean just sent me this real, that's like from a reality TV show, I guess. It looks fake. It seems like it's like a sketch from a comedy show, but apparently it's a reality TV show,

Daniel: I mean, Mormons, when they dress up in their Mormon suits, look like satires of Mormons.

Laurel: They're not in Mormon suits, Anyways, it's married men who experience Or suffer from same sex attraction.

Laurel: Uh Huh. And their wives, and they're like open about it. And then there's one guy talking about like the danger scale. Like a one to four danger scale of same sex attraction. And so one is if you like, You know, check them out once two is if you're, if you've got a double take,

Daniel: okay, three is a dick in your mouth

and it's just so sad,

Laurel: It is sad.

Laurel: It's sad. It's really sad.

Daniel: Thanks for starting us on a,

Nichole: I'm sorry that I

Daniel: asked,

Nichole: but it's

Laurel: it's also just weird

Nichole: I mean, putting attraction on a dangerous scale feels so puritanical American. Like it feels like our adolescence. Oh yeah.

Nichole: Right? Yeah. Like sex is dangerous.

Daniel: Very,

Laurel: Very dangerous. You

Nichole: will

Laurel: die.

Daniel: That was what, My adolescence was like a lot we would, you know, rate people on their hotness. You know, she's a six, he's an eight. And then what probability they would have to kill us.

Daniel: So, you know, it would be the danger. So we've been rate them on danger. I'm, this is not true. She's like a, she's like a, a seven on the danger scale of like might cause permanent damage,

Laurel: but 10 of the attraction scale. So worth it. Acceptable trade off.

Nichole: In high school I remember that there was a link going around. To rate all of the girls at our high school. Oh, wow. And when I found out who did it did do a murder. I did. Then I was 10 on the danger scale. Um, No I, I, she was, she was a friend of mine.

Nichole: And so, I, I don't want to say confronted at a party, but like, I had a, I had some words. I said, Hey you know, none of those people consented to being rated. Right. And she was like, but you scored really high. I was like, I didn't ask for it though.

Laurel: But you scored really high.

Nichole: That was bullshit. It was one guy Who was like my friend's brother He apparently kept voting for me over and over again.

Laurel: Remember when like hot or not was a thing or like rate your professor. Yes.

Daniel: I do have some like, uh, nostalgia for the days of the internet of these artifacts that seemed like they were just like hewn from clay or stone, like where the fuck did like hot or not.

Daniel: Come from it did not seem like a professionally produced internet artifact. We were talking about this earlier to the uh, the hamster dance.

Oh yeah. Yeah.

Daniel: Like these things that just kind of erupted out of the mossy underbelly of the internet in the aughts.

Nichole: And went viral. Not by sharing on the internet, but by having conversations with people, like we would be in the computer lab and you'd be like, Hey, have you seen this video? Right. Yeah. It wouldn't, it wasn't like you would share it on social media and then it would go viral, quote unquote. Right. Yeah.

Nichole: Because nobody was like sharing content that way. Exactly. Also, there wasn't any YouTube. Yeah. So it was just going to a site, hamsterdance. com. Yeah. And watching it.

Daniel: I don't know whether there was really any era that we were going around saying, hey, have you guys seen hamster dance?

Nichole: There was when we were in middle school and high school, for sure.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: It just seems like it was always there.

Laurel: Yeah. Like it existed before the internet did for sure. Oh, the legend of the hamster dance? Uh Huh, yeah! The internet was created and then hamster dance was discovered there on the internet.

Laurel: Since

Nichole: time immemorial, hamsters have always gotten together under the light of a full moon! Ba

da do do do do do do! Ba

Daniel: da do do do do do do! Yeah, I thought you were talking about like, an analog hamster dance. Before the internet, where it was like a flip book

Nichole: that was passed around. You

Laurel: just cover it in the

Nichole: woods.

Laurel: There's a little music box next to someone cranks the music box. The other person does the flip book. Hey, we were really bored before the internet.

Daniel: No, I'm still just thinking of vaudeville always. And you guys are just taking a long time to get there. Like a uh, like a flea circus. Yes. But like, like a little hamster dance, you know, like traveling, performing side show.

Laurel: Are they actual hamsters? Someone trained the hamsters to dance?

Daniel: Yeah. There's some animal like uh, cruelty issues probably.

Nichole: I like my flip book better.

Nichole: Welcome to polyamateur hour. I'm Laurel.

Daniel: I'm Daniel.

Nichole: I'm Nicole.

Daniel: Our first segment is rather special today.

Yeah,

Daniel: it is an inaugural segment once in a while we get an organic stubert

Daniel: and we happened to attract the moderator, curator, runner of L. A. polyamory. Which is not only a kind of digital entity on discord, Instagram wherever you get your memes, but also an event coordinating service.

It's like a. Los Angeles

Laurel: polyamory network and like event group.

Yes. Event group.

Laurel: That's good. It's an event group. Zoe, the leader of the group plans and executes events with folks. And then it sounds like also within the discord, like people are just connecting. Naturally organically overshared interests. And so, then they have different kinds of meetups based on their interests.

Daniel: Lovely summary, Laurel.

You're welcome.

Daniel: And you, you just took the compliment and didn't uh, um, struggle.

Laurel: I didn't flick a booger at you. No, you

Daniel: didn't.

Laurel: I hate that.

Daniel: So we were all real flattered,

Daniel: and we were like, you want to come on the show? And we came up with an all new segment. It's called practical Polly. Do do do do do do do.

Practical Poly: Practical poll in the streets, practical poly in the streets when she meets all,

Practical Poly: all.

Daniel: This is going to be, a segment where we talk to people who provide services for the poly community in a wide variety of contexts. In the future, maybe we will talk to accountants, real estate agents, lawyers, sex workers, anybody who has a specialty in serving the poly community in some way or another.

Yeah. That helps us figure out how we practically live our poly lives. Yeah. I like that.

Daniel: Savor it, folks, because this is one of the only truly helpful segments that you will ever get on Polly Amateur Hour.

Nichole: Hit it.

Daniel: Roll tape.

Nichole: One time I was in a public restroom.

Huh.

Nichole: And behind the toilet was a solitary AirPod. Oh no. And this was when AirPods first came out. And I was like, I feel so sorry for that person. And it turned me off of ever having AirPods. Like, why would I like spend that money if it's just going to end up on a public floor bathroom?

Zoey: If I dropped it and I saw it, I would just leave it. That belongs in the bathroom now.

Laurel: This is where this lives now.

Zoey: No longer mine.

Daniel: So Zoe, thanks for jumping on with us. We were really excited to, to get stubert, as we call them, who is, you know, You know, deeply involved in organizing a poly scene in a major metropolitan city.

Zoey: Yeah. I forgot how I found it, but I love the name and I love that you guys just jump into it.

Zoey: There's no like format um, which I love the chaos. No I, I do. I love it. Cause I, I prefer more loose. You know, conversations and when it gets too formal, I'm like, I feel like I'm listening to a lecture

Zoey: I

Daniel: mean, I think that we founded this a little bit as a resistance to the status quo of poly podcasting,

Zoey: I'm always like I'm silly, so I need some silliness to this and not take myself too seriously.

Zoey: Yeah,

Nichole: exactly. I think that's part of how to be successful in poly relationships is to not take yourself too seriously. Yeah. You know, cause It might. Yeah. I mean. Did you just unlock the secret of polyamory?

Zoey: It is really silly because our unofficial mascot of LA polyamory is actually Guy Fieri explain,

Nichole: explain, it was

Zoey: more, I was organizing like a beach meetup and.

Zoey: The beach. So there's a lot of people. I'm like, what's going to stand out? Like, I don't want to just throw a poly flag because the poly flag, I think is not pretty. So there is no offense to creators. There's the, either the pie sign and the, the heart doesn't do it for me. Um, So I was like, Guy Fieri.

Zoey: Yeah, it's just him and like his glory, you know, doing like

Laurel: that. Do you have a light, like a cutout, like a cardboard guy?

Zoey: I should get a cutout. I should just get one on a flag. It's a flag that we fly in our town. People can find us. That's amazing. Like you're

Daniel: a pirate ship. Like they see it from Yeah.

Zoey: No affiliation to Pauly Emery though.

Nichole: I'm

Zoey: not

Nichole: claiming guy for our community. It's just the energy. I don't know. I think we all want to visit Flavortown. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Daniel: Yeah. I mean, that's what I call oral sex when I'm, when I'm performing, you know, like, uh, may I please visit Flavortown?

Laurel: Oh, I don't know how I feel about that.

Nichole: Zoe, can you tell us a little about yourself and a little about LA polyamory? Or is it polyamory LA or LA polyamory? LA

Zoey: polyamory. , I wanted to squat on the name because I have a marketing background and I knew that I wasn't going to be like the only person hosting events. So it was more like, okay, how do I curate this?

Zoey: So that if you are visiting or you are starting your poly journey, you can easily find us. So. That's how it started. And it started in 2019, literally in my living room, poly processing here in my, this very space, very

Laurel: space where it all began.

Zoey: And then of course the pandemic happened and then all of our events kind of went virtual.

Zoey: So we had our zoom poly process. And then we have a, we still have a really thriving discord community. So that's, people can share stuff that they're working on, you know, if there's a lot of creatives here in LA. So if there's anyone that's doing something, we, you know, go out and support them. If there are other events, we also go and support it.

Zoey: So it's more. It's LA first and then polyamory adjacent.

Okay,

Zoey: cool. And we also offer a lot of like advice for folks that are, you know, that are going through stuff because that

Nichole: happens. Yeah. What inspired, oh, I'm sorry, babe. Did you want to ask? You inhaled and I interrupted you. The great, Daniel's great inhale.

Daniel: I like to broadcast that I'm about to ask a question. A good, A good like, uh, three to four seconds in advance. It goes,

Nichole: gross.

Daniel: Yeah, I mean, my question was going to be not really thoughtful or appropriate. But now I'm going to ask it anyway, because you forced me into it. I had thought better of it after my inhale, but now I've committed um, spoke about creatives in LA.

Daniel: So, you know, you can tell us. Any celebrities?

Zoey: Not that I know of. I mean, they might follow the page, but I don't know. I've never seen I see celebrities out in the wild. I don't really see them in my group.

Daniel: I probably wouldn't recognize them anyway. Nicole would recognize them,

Nichole: Will and

Zoey: Jada are not part of the group, so. Oh, man. Oh, damn it. Our patron saint. Neither is Willow. I think

Laurel: Willow is more openly polyamorous. Oh. Yeah, I've seen her on field. I

Daniel: feel

Nichole: Um, So what inspired you to. Start LA polyamory from your living room.

Zoey: I wanted to start my own group because all of the other groups were a little bit missing in the type of events that I wanted to throw.

Zoey: I noticed that the, you know, it didn't really reflect how, you know, how I view LA and cause I grew up here and I wanted to, It's reflect a little bit more me. And I wanted, you know, to kind of be the female facing, you know, non white person that's to invite others that look like me to feel like this is a community where they can feel seen and heard and not alienated.

Zoey: So I'm openly queer, so I wanted to really put that in the forefront as well.

Nichole: That's amazing.

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: No more white swingers. As the. Right. As the. As the face of.

Nichole: That I'm realizing in all of our Unicorn Hunter Hunters, they've been exclusively white. Like. Oh yeah. And like. yeah. White, like white,

Zoey: I would say there's more work to do, obviously, I, you know, with more in person events, I always want to bring in a more diverse crowd, again, representative of our city.

Zoey: So still a work in progress, but I think as long as I put my face out there and I share, you know, okay, well, here's where I grew up. So yeah. You know, this is where we hang out, you know, it's not the glitzy, you know, Hollywood side. That's probably why we don't have the celebrities. It's not as glamorous.

Zoey: You go to like, you know, divier places on the east side.

Daniel: Those celebrities don't want to show their faces too. If they were in your zoom, you know, they'd have the emojis over their faces. Oh yeah.

Nichole: Yeah. They'd be a potato. Remember when that was a thing? Yeah. Yeah. I was like, we weren't, we were just figuring out zoom at work and we didn't know that filters were a thing.

Nichole: And then people discovered them and yeah, there was some woman in like Minnesota who was trying to run a meeting and she kept being a potato and she kept saying, I don't know why I'm a potato. Sorry. Anyways.

Zoey: I love that. I love these tangents. That's how my brain works too. I totally remember that. Yeah. It was like court.

Zoey: Hearing too. Yes. I

Nichole: remember it was like a cat. It was a cat. Yeah. I don't know why I am a cat.

Daniel: These are, These are the 21st century versions of Kafka's metamorphosis.

Laurel: Uh, So what kind of like, what kind of events. Do you host like what did you feel like was missing? And like, how did you like close that gap?

Zoey: Let's see. The actual in person events have been a few, but what I do encourage from the group is just hangouts. There's a lot of rock climbing people.

Zoey: I don't rock climb, so I actually haven't participated in it, but people will actually like just spin up, a little group chat and they, organize their own little rock climbing activity day. I don't know what to call it. Like a lot of people into karaoke again. So they, they organize their own karaoke, so it's just really creating that space so that they can connect and you know, whatever their common interests are, whether it's hiking, roller skating it's funny, I'm listening all these things that I actually don't do.

Laurel: you're like,

Zoey: hobby is organizing communities so that. And do the things that I don't like to do.

Daniel: I

Zoey: We're superpower, useless superpower.

Laurel: Very useful superpower. No, super useful. Yeah. You're just behind the scenes. During

Zoey: the apocalypse, I would just project manage stuff.

Laurel: Yep. A thousand percent. A

Zoey: thousand percent. You can't, you know, start a fire. I can't hunt. But I will project manage it. But

Laurel: they would be lost without you. Yeah. They would just be like doing their own weird little things. But you're like, Hey, come together so we can eat over here. You can be warm over here.

Laurel: Otherwise they, otherwise it would just be like Mad Max, but you create the community.

Daniel: You're like, you are going to be eaten today.

Daniel: Why I love this is because I always feel like in kink spaces in poly spaces, there's the expectation that like, Oh, you should all get along because you like to be spanked. You like to be spanked. I like to be spanked. So you should hang out together. And obviously like, you'll have so much in common, but what you're doing is like, you're getting people together, doing Polly activities that has.

Daniel: Nothing to do with being poly. Like, You know, there's nothing inherently poly about mountain climbing except for you can usually see somebody's butt.

Laurel: Which is inherently poly. Seeing butts. Inherently poly.

Daniel: You know, if there's a, if there's a Crowd,

Zoey: but partnered activity, like there's some, you know, if I really wanted to stretch it, like there's some negotiation, right?

Zoey: And there's you know, safety protocols Yeah. . So it's a lot of you know, practicing those types of conversations. Right. And I don't think you can go alone. Like you have to have like a partner . So there's, there's that. And

Daniel: it's multiple people tied to each other.

Nichole: It's a web. It's a poly web

Nichole: I really think that rock climbing is the new holding a fish in dating profiles because I have seen so many men belay off walls. That's true. And show themselves, you know, like rock climbing. It's like a feat of strength or whatever. Yeah. Look at my muscles, but I haven't seen many fish recently.

Nichole: So

Zoey: Do one

Daniel: where I combine all the uh, cliches that are possible for the Bragging man shot where I'm holding a fish on the side of a mountain with a cocktail in one hand.

Zoey: In LA, you get a lot of red carpet photos and you're like, I don't think you're that important. I'm not on any apps right now, but yeah, good for you.

Laurel: Those are exhausting. Yeah,

Zoey: they are.

Daniel: We have to be on it for work, you know?

Zoey: I thought I had to too, but I was just kind of sick of it. I, every time I opened it, it was. It's a little depressing. Yes.

Daniel: So tell us a little bit about your journey to polyamory,

Zoey: yeah.

Zoey: I feel like I can call myself a gold star non monogamous.

Whoa,

Zoey: I've never been in a monogamous relationship uh, and you know, my journey was very messy. I dated all the wrong people all at the same time and classic.

Zoey: I like to say I got it out of my system, right? Yeah. I don't know. I can still be messy, but got that out of my system. And then I think it was my second year of college. I took a class that was literally sociology 69, which is a sociology of sexuality. Wow. So I wanted to, you know, I was very excited.

Zoey: Free spirit. I don't know. I was, my slutty years, you know, I want to take the sex class in for school. And they had this book called the ethical slut that how I I discovered, I encountered it. It came into my path. And I really identified with it. And I was like, there is a way to do this and one, like really watch out for myself and you know, what I'm giving into a relationship and what I'm getting out of it as well.

Zoey: And I, it changed my life because then I started seeking out partners that wanted to explore that with me. Yeah, and then that began, I think, my poly journey, even though I was really resistant to the word polyamory I thought you had to be a certain way to be polyamorous almost like it was a cult.

Zoey: Right. I didn't know. I was like, I don't want to be in a pod. This was when that show Showtime married and. Dating polyamory married in dating was happening and I didn't identify with those people either. Like I'm not polyamorous, but those people are polyamorous. And then I found myself in you know, my first long term non monogamous relationship.

Zoey: We explored swinging together. We had a little bit of a triad that was also very messy. And we ended up getting married. So we had a long-term open relationship marriage that didn't last. For other reasons. Yeah. But we, you know, we were happiest when we were like having other relationships.

Zoey: . . And I think, you know. He was actually the one that's you're actually more polyamorous than you would like to admit. No, I just like to be open. Like, That was my whole thing. I liked open. And that's how I identified for a long time. And then he's like, no, you're, you are polyamorous.

Zoey: So you want. These more meaningful connections and you deserve like, and then towards the end of our marriage was when I met my current partner. Then we've been together for nine years. It's weird now that it's so long back. I'm like, wow it's been two decades of this.

Yeah.

Zoey: So yeah, now I have three partners and this community and a foster dog. So life is very full right now. After my divorce, I really identified with the solo polyamorous community. I thought that really resonated with me.

Zoey: And it, it was something where I like, I was like, Oh, if I discovered this when I was reading the ethical slide, it would have been very life changing because yeah, didn't have to. You know, go with this marriage that I didn't think was what I wanted. Even it was more like I wanted that relationship. I didn't want the marriage part.

Zoey: I

Daniel: imagine you like when you're describing it, when you were in it being like, Oh yeah, I'm in an open marriage.

Zoey: Yeah, exactly. And I was like modified it, you know? So I didn't want to be part of the marriage club no, like hate on marriage, but it's just, it just really wasn't, For me, again, goals are non monogamous.

Zoey: I'm kind of a non conformist. I I don't really want to be like a wifey, like that kind of,

Daniel: this is not the first time somebody has thrown up in their mouth a little bit on the podcast.

Zoey: It won't be the last, you know, what works really well with me is like, all my partners are married. So What I like to say to people, it's Oh yeah, I think they just go home to their spouses. It's great.

Zoey: Like I don't have to deal with that part of it because they're the ones that want to be married and they can have marriage with other people. I don't need to be in a marriage. Yeah. Or sorry.

Daniel: I'm a little disappointed because we were going to invite you into ours, but yeah,

Zoey: I love weddings though. So any sort of celebration type thing.

Zoey: I love that. I just, you know, I don't want to be a wifey.

Laurel: Oh yeah. That's fair. I was just curious like in your partnerships does it seem Like that they have primary partnerships and you like identify as a secondary or is it just no They're just getting certain needs met elsewhere

Zoey: a little bit of both actually.

Zoey: I mean all my relationships are very different I Think that you know, two of my partners have children So if that is what you need in your life that's something that another partner can provide I'm not a co parent. I'm not a wife. Those are roles that are very important to them. That's not something that I could ever fulfill.

Zoey: Right. I see it from that perspective more than, you know, identifying as a secondary. Cause like, that seems like, Oh, I I'm, I'm good being second place. It almost seems like, oh, like you're less than we have a way of like structuring our relationships where the hierarchy it impacts our schedules, right?

Zoey: But when we do share time together, I feel very prioritized. I feel you know, that's one on one quality time where, you know, I am the primary in that, in that, in that time together. It's just when they leave and they have other priorities that they tend to.

Nichole: Zoe, I'm wondering what, just to get into like the practical Polly of it. What was the first event that You hosted and then how has it changed over the years and how have you seen the community grow?

Zoey: So one of the first events was poly processing. That was more intimate. It was in my living room. And then we kind of expanded to the club room downstairs. in a condo. And then I also had a matchmaking events. Oh, speaking of I also hate the dating app that we really did a space for poly people, not and not just have okay, Cupid in person, like I wanted it to be a little more intentional.

Zoey: So like I had like a pretty extensive survey of, you know, What are you looking for? And how, what are you not looking for? And then I would match the people.

Nichole: I love that.

Zoey: Yeah. And I did, notice it went from a lot of, you know, People that are just opening up that we're just open to everything.

Zoey: And then now there's a definitely a new generation where people are looking for anchor partners. So they're kind of watching polyamory by themselves.

Laurel: Interesting. And

Zoey: I see that a lot more in our discord community and and in our in person events when I meet people and people have come to me as like, you should do something where it's like, find an anchor partner.

Zoey: And I kind of love that, you know,

Nichole: so interesting. Yeah, that's really cool. Can you tell us a little bit about what poly processing is

Zoey: that's literally a sharing circle, right? I'm not classically trained. So the way that I run it is very informal. I have no format.

Zoey: I, Basically kick it off with like, let's share some wins of the week, right? Let's go on a high note. And then we open the space up to people that, you know, want to share something that they're going through, or they have a question about something. And then we can each offer advice. So it's very much peer support.

Zoey: I have, you know, my life experience, but I also know that I have gaps in my knowledge too, in my experience. For example, if someone's really struggling with opening up their relationship, I honestly have not had that type of experience where it was a monogamous relationship opening up. So I, I try to learn from them as well and hear about their challenges and, you know, you know, give them validation or give them, you know, some things that they could read on and,

Nichole: Yeah, I fucking love that.

Nichole: There is so much that we go through and so many different, you know, facets of the issues that we need to work through that like community is paramount.

Daniel: I think there are a lot more poly friendly and poly focused psychotherapists out there now, but even as recently as ten years ago when I was in a non monogamous relationship and was looking for therapists, it was a lot harder.

Laurel: Yeah, even in just, like, my casual interactions or, like, dating, like, people are searching for a community , that they can just talk to.

Laurel: They're like, oh, it's just nice to talk to another non monogamous person.

Zoey: A lot of people aren't out. So it's very alienating.

Yeah, totally. Totally.

Zoey: know, therapy, options are limited. It's not as accessible. It's very expensive. So, living room, poly processing, zoom processing. There's, you know, A way for them to be heard.

Daniel: We just started uh, doing relationship therapy, me and Laurel recently. And it was so nice to actually be in a room with somebody. You know, just knowing that they're not an AI avatar.

Laurel: But it is really interesting. Like our therapists, I don't know how old they actually are, but they seem really young. Yeah. They seem really young. They're great. They're amazing. But I'm like, I'm realized one that I'm getting to that age where doctors are, are, Oh God. Yeah. You're young and, but also it's like there is a new generation of therapists that are starting to fill this gap of queer specific poly specific.

Laurel: Therapeutic.

Nichole: But there is still the question of accessibility. , For a variety of different reasons community is going to be how we move forward and how we take care of each other. I'm so inspired by that. Like I really, I'm just really affirmed that you put that together. I just want to thank you again. Thank you.

Daniel: I wanted to get in just one, my own Pauly Idaho question, even though we've evolved this segment to be a little something different. Because you are from LA I wanted to ask, you our flagship, my own Polly Idaho question, which is what's different about being Polly in Los Angeles?

Zoey: I mean, I would say like the stereotypes are true. There's a lot of people that are just. egomaniacs. And we're such a big city. But it's a small community like depending on where you like to go out, like you're bound to run into an ex

I mean, I love gossips so much.

I know, me like, hot, messy stories. Hot,

Daniel: messy stories.

Zoey: I'm trying to be better about like, not like spilling the tea trying to find like who it is. And I'm just like, I can't, you know,

Laurel: yeah, that's fair.

Daniel: We're here to support your worst habits.

Zoey: I am, I am very proud of going on one date with one guy once.

Zoey: And I told him very nicely, I don't think there's any second date. I, you know, my schedule just doesn't work out this way. And, you know, you, Probably want to see someone more regularly and then he changed his profile and he said, absolutely no poly ENM people. I take credit for that. I helped him discover what he didn't want.

Daniel: Thank you for weeding out the chaff.

Zoey: You know, my little contribution to the older community in LA.

Laurel: Thank you for your service.

Daniel: Now, every time I see a profile of somebody saying absolutely no Ian, I'm Paulie, I'll be like, Zoe was here.

Zoey: I mean, that's the hope, right? You don't want them to be like, you know, react negatively.

Zoey: Like, I think that's a positive

Laurel: yeah, they're discovering their own.

Daniel: Thank you so much for joining us today. It has been a ball.

Daniel: So. When can we come visit?

Zoey: I'm overdue for a Portland trip. My best friend actually lives in Portland.

Nichole: Oh, all right. Come and hang out. Come hang out. And we're actually going to L. A. We're probably going to L. A. for the holidays. Because I have family down there.

Zoey: So where were you born? I was born in Hong Kong, um, and I grew up in San Gabriel Valley, which is the valley.

Zoey: Yeah, that

Nichole: is the valley. was born in Glendale, Purdue Hills. We lived in Sunland, Tujunga.

Zoey: I was just in Glendale uh, for the mall. I live downtown. Oh yeah. We love the malls here. . I know. .

Daniel: If you two just start naming freeways. I'm gonna be really upset.

Zoey: to the two. Actually, no, the two

Nichole: doesn't connect.

Nichole: Um. Um, where would you like people to find you if you'd like to be found? What would you like to promote?

Zoey: I would welcome everyone on to the discord community so you can find that through our Instagram. So LAPolyamory. Yeah. Discord is where you know, everyone is welcome to, to join find their people, whether they're roller skating, karaoke singers, or outside chill vibes is another like segment of our users,

Daniel: oh God, I hope one of these events is roller skating and karaoke at the same time.

Zoey: There's a good chance, yeah. And I don't know what I would do. I think I would just be like, the mom like, Good job! My mom skating on a skate.

Laurel: Oh, I love that. I would

Zoey: be picking songs and, uh,

Laurel: Yeah, we, everyone would be project managing. Everyone needs the moral support and cheering section. So it's important.

Daniel: Somebody to laugh when you fall on your ass.

Nichole: well, that was a great

segment.

Laurel: That

was a lovely segment.

Laurel: Thank you, Zoe, for coming on. And if you have Some practical Polly to offer you can write into us at Polly amateur hour at

Laurel: gmail. com and share your area of interest or expertise that you might want to Project out to

Laurel: a larger audience

Daniel: I mean, if you're ready for the big time Polly amateur hour, big time, put you on blast.

Laurel: All right. Should we, Should we ask the amateurs? All right. All right.

Ask the Amateurs: If you got questions, don't de.

Let's do it! Dearest Amateurs.

Daniel: Here's the question. Hi all. I have a scenario and a question for you. My wife and I have been open slash poly for several years now. Her, let's call her G, and I, call me R, have had a variety of situations with partners years.

Daniel: My experience has been more with FWBs, And she has had some of those, but also a couple more serious relationships. Now, I've met someone, call her K, who I am very, very into. , and someone I could see having a deep, loving relationship with. This has caused a bit of jealousy slash fear in G.

Daniel: I've been giving her reassurances. And we've talked about the whole situation. My question for you is

Daniel: you make that transition from searching for a casual relationship to finding one that's grown into a more romantic slash deep one Easier for the other partners in one's life I know open and honest discussion and even therapy is helpful, but I want some of your advice.

Laurel: I like that you can't even read that without laughing.

Daniel: Love the show. Exclamation point.

Ooh.

Nichole: So the question is, how do you make this transition easier for your other partners,

Laurel: and sounds like, sounds like for a period of time like, you only had sort of friends with benefits or like more casual relationships. So you've gotten into kind of like a pattern of oh yeah, I don't really like dates super seriously. So now this feels like a big change. But Stubert's, you know,

Nichole: Wife did date seriously.

Daniel: She's had a couple other serious relationships. Yeah. Here's. Something that I have learned through patience, communication, and coercion.

Laurel: Hmm. Can't wait for this to unfold.

Daniel: Yes. Is that you can't completely prevent pain. Her jealousy and fear and trying to make it completely okay is just not going to happen. You know, this is one of the things that I think all of my partners tell me is Daniel, I'm having emotions. Let me have the emotions.

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: And So I would say first and foremost, let her have a reaction.

Nichole: Yes. It's at once kind of you to want to make this transition easier, but honestly, like wouldn't making it easier also make it easier for you. Like you can't control how other people are going to respond or react to things.

Nichole: And especially in a situation like this where it sounds like she's gone through her own like more serious relationships and it doesn't sound like you had any feelings about it. Or maybe you didn't, you just haven't shared it with us,

Daniel: yeah, why haven't you shared it with us yet?

Laurel: All right. We just really need you to like open up to us.

Daniel: Tell us about the sex.

Nichole: God.

Nichole: It's going to be the same thing with any kind of choice that you make in your life. Like your partner or the people around you are going to have feelings about it and you can't manage what those are going to be. There isn't like a secret passcode that you get to, you know, a secret word that you get to say that's going to make it better for them.

Nichole: Polyamory

Laurel: cheat code. Exactly. You can buy the pamphlet at Blockbuster.



Laurel: Yeah, I feel like there's like two sides of it. And one side is like, you both are saying is like, be careful. Okay. With your partner not being okay. I also think there's the other side where like I've, I found in myself, when I have feelings about my partner, seeing other people.

Laurel: The scary part is the change. For me, specifically, what I become concerned with is if it seems like there is a change in how time with me is being spent or prioritized. So if like, if you're continuing to like, consistently like,, show up and prioritize time with me and be present in that time with me That's the thing that's going to make it easier for me.

Nichole: I think it's a security question. Like your wife is feeling insecure. Right now. And practically what you can do is not convince her that you're a secure person. But you can show her through the quality of your time together that relationship is still secure.

Daniel: We do have to remember, they're married. So, most likely, they are cohabitating. So the time thing, most likely, Is going to be there, right? What is it? Their uh, their home is the waffle.

Nichole: And our time together is the syrup.

Laurel: But that might be like another aspect of it too. If you're taking that time for granted if you're not still engaging in romance and dates and stuff I feel like it's helpful if you can still continue to show excitement for your long standing partner

Laurel: I feel like in those situations I don't want the like reassurance. Like I still care about you. I still love you. Don't worry. I just want to be shown that you care about me and love me and prioritize me.

Laurel: Versus being reassured. And

Nichole: exactly. Cause no amount of reassurance is going to, I mean, I can tell myself. all the horror stories and I can convince myself of anything. And if it's convincing myself that somebody doesn't like me, that is incredibly easy to do. Yeah.

Daniel: You have all taught us the futility of trying to reassure you.

Nichole: Yeah. Yes. Yes. But I just want the reflection of like, that sounds really hard.

Daniel: And I just want you to say, looks really.

Nichole: Oh God.

Nichole: Laurel needs her own kind of, Oh God.

Daniel: The problem is it's just purely visual.

Laurel: It's just fine.

Yeah.

Laurel: Mouth just turns into a flat line. I look like that emoji. That's just like, yeah, the eyes

Daniel: Like you're taking a poop

Nichole: I'm trying to think if there was Like, did we do anything, Daniel?

Daniel: We sat in the car while you cried for about ten minutes. Did I? Yeah. I'm thinking of the first time that I was saying that I felt like I was in love with somebody else. That I loved somebody else.

Nichole: That's right. Yes. The first time. That you brought up this conversation, you had front loaded it with our relationship is so great.

Nichole: Like you were like really, and then you said, by the way,

Nichole: so I did not take it well. Oh my

Daniel: God. Oh yeah. That's the only reason you didn't take it well is because I said something nice before.

Nichole: Correct. That's not the only reason why I didn't take it well. It did feel like a 180 and I did not appreciate that. But

Daniel: next time. That I have something to say to you that I think is going to be difficult for you to hear.

Daniel: I will gradually step up to it by saying more and more difficult things. I'll be like, by the way, your hair looks kind of strange today.

Laurel: Your hair looks strange today. Have you, Have you put on weight? If

Nichole: you say anything like that, It would be, Oh, you're so delighted.

Laurel: Nobody makes Daniel laugh like Daniel.

Nichole: what's different though, is that I was not actively dating anybody and I certainly did not have deeper relationships outside of ours.

Nichole: I do wonder if, because your wife has had. These kinds of relationships that you're like, you're venturing into. Could you ask her for advice? Could you not even the playing field, but like in a genuine way, go like, Hey, I'm experiencing this for the first time. You've experienced this before.

Nichole: Can we, can you share a little bit about your experience with me and maybe approach it as. Your relationship together, how to navigate this, but also for just her practical experience with it.

Laurel: Yeah, I like that idea because it forces her to remember her being in your shoes at some point in time.

Laurel: And it's like an opportunity to reflect on like, how that felt for her. It seems like it didn't necessarily change her feelings about your relationship. Thank you. And, yeah, it's just like an opportunity to look at that and be like, Oh yeah were you concerned or uncomfortable with how I might feel about this?

Laurel: Did you make an effort or do things to try and like, mitigate it? Like, where did you think that my responsibility for my feelings like, stopped and ended there? Yeah, it's not approaching it from like an accusatory way, but from a like, Oh yeah, like you were here where I am now.

Laurel: Like, What was that like for you?

Daniel: I've seemed to remember something like this happening with you. On the other side, you can just kind of play dumb and.

Laurel: Oh my God, don't

Daniel: do that. This is

Laurel: why Daniel's conversations go so well, apparently.

Laurel: Why I seem to recall.

Oh my God.

Daniel: So, so did we answer the question?

Nichole: I think we gave some good practical advice.

Daniel: I feel so seen. Yeah. I'm going to, I'm going to reread this because this is my favorite part of the letter.

Daniel: I know open and honest discussion and even therapy is helpful, but I want some of your advice.

You

Daniel: got it.

All

Nichole: right.

Daniel: Shall we move along home?

Nichole: Yeah. Daniel?

Daniel: Why are you both looking at me? Why are you making the fish sound? That wasn't

Laurel: the fish sound. That was the horse trotting. Yeah, duh. Obviously. Can't you even tell the difference between my fish sound and my horse trotting?

Laurel: This is worse than when I

Daniel: mix up your names.

Nichole: Daniel, do you have a bone to pick?

Daniel: Oh. I have a bone to pick.

Bone to Pick: This bone,

Bone to Pick: well, it's broke and this bone,

Bone to Pick: I,

Bone to Pick: I don't need you to say you, I just need you to fix this shit You do.

Bone to Pick: Do.

Daniel: All right. This bone to pick is part of a little triptych of. Podcast episodes in which we mention our recent STI scares. We recently were exposed to an STI that we did not actually contract. It was there. It was like, hi, I'm an STI. I'm in the room. Bye. Didn't leave anything behind, but there was a journey to the clinic.

Daniel: At which originated my bone.

Laurel: You were, this is a story about how you were aroused.

Laurel: Um,

Daniel: you know, sometimes when you're like, Oh, might have been exposed. They're like, well, I can just give you the shot. Right?

Laurel: Yeah. You can just start taking the antibiotics while we wait for the results.

Laurel: Yeah. So you're ahead of the game.

Daniel: Okay first of all this was, you know, mc doctor, urgent care like PA, is it a PA? Uh, Physician's assistant. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Um, Who was,

Laurel: was he wearing a paper hat

Daniel: and asked,

Laurel: do

Daniel: you want fries with

Laurel: that?

Daniel: I mean, I think people would go in to get, you know, STI assessment and treatment a lot more if there were fries.

Daniel: If there was

Laurel: a McDonald's attached to it. Yeah. Are you kidding? Yeah. Actually. Yeah. Like I get a little treat. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Some McNuggets.

Daniel: So he's like 12, you know, like he, he is the age of the people working in fast food restaurants, right?

Laurel: Doogie Howser, PA.

Daniel: Yeah. So much more boring. Boring

Laurel: offshoot of Dukie Couser. He's not really like a genius coming up with. He's

Daniel: like, I'm working on getting my uh, my GED.

Nichole: I accelerated through community college. I went to the university of Phoenix real early.

Daniel: I'm going to get letters from people.

Nichole: No.

Nichole: Physicians assistants are They are

Laurel: needed. They're needed. Yeah, the medical field is important. We're not making fun of physician assistants. No, we're making

Nichole: fun of Hoogie Dowser, PA.

Daniel: All right. So, okay. Junior cub physician. He's wearing a mask and I keep making jokes and I can't tell whether he's like laughing at them or not.

Daniel: So it just makes me, it just makes me, it just makes me go harder. You know, that is not a boner joke. I'm just um, Daniel's

Laurel: bone to pick wouldn't laugh at

Daniel: my jokes.

Nichole: I do feel, fuck me, I was at the dermatologist the other day and there was somebody who was shadowing her and the RN, , and my fucking brain was like, great, three people that I can impress with my wit, I'm going to make a joke about Las Vegas.

Nichole: And it killed.

Daniel: I'm very happy for you. My audience, on the other hand,

Laurel: Howzy dooger? Howzy

Daniel: dooger! Howzy dooger to you! I'm sorry! I haven't even gotten to the bone. Guys, make way for the bone! I'm sorry!

Okay.

Daniel: So I had mentioned that I was poly

Laurel: uhhuh,

Daniel: Right. And I was like uh, you know what polyamory is? Like, Do they teach that in high school? ? Um, I did not say that my, my material was much better. . . , but, when I was trying to ask him whether or not he really thought that I should get the just in case shot based on the extremely unlikely scenario of possible exposure he said, well, you may want to be careful about how many times you get a shot like this each time.

Daniel: If you're gonna choose to continue your polyamorous lifestyle.

Laurel: Wow. Whoa, wow.

Daniel: And then no more jokes from me the rest of the time. I was like,

Laurel: you don't get to be entertained anymore for your judgy bullshit.

Daniel: I guess I'm easily heckled.

Nichole: Wow. Wow. That's some, fuck you, Hoogie. Like, What the fuck?

Daniel: His name is Howsie

Nichole: Duggar. Howsie, Howsie Duggar. Fuck you, Howsie.

Laurel: I'm just like, I'm doing the math in his head. From his perspective of what, you're gonna just like, every other week you're gonna come in for a shot of antibiotics because you keep getting re exposed to gonorrhea.

Daniel: I can't stay away from that

Laurel: sweet, Sweet girl.

Laurel: It's like the same logic that like, like anti abortionists have that like women just can't stop themselves from getting pregnant.

Nichole: That's like that um, Onion article that went viral because a bunch of conservatives thought that it was real about an abortion mall. You know, I'm just cycling in and out just to like, you know, get routine abortion.

Nichole: Um,

Daniel: Where is this?

Nichole: I just like, it's just it, it, I'm more thinking the math in his head of like, how shitty do I want to be right now? Because, or maybe he didn't think about it at all. And that's why it came across as like fucking rude If you choose to continue in your polyamory like, like this is the moment that's going to like make you choose a different path.

Daniel: Let me share with you the wisdom, which I learned in high school health class.

Laurel: It does feel very like Like, , scare tactic. Like, We're gonna show you very graphic pictures of genital warts. And, yes. And you're gonna think twice about your sins.

Daniel: Should you continue to walk the primrose path to hell?

Yeah.

Laurel: You're just, you're gonna destroy your microbiome if you just get too many of these shots, if you continue to live in sin like this.

Daniel: That's now, now, now you're just channeling uh, uh, RFK.

Daniel: Well, that's my bone. And I'm pickin to it.

Go fuck

Laurel: yourself, Housey Duger.

Laurel: Doesn't that show open or close with him like, journaling on his computer? Yes. I wanna do a I wanna do a little journaling scene from him? From this guy's perspective.

Nichole: And have the music underneath it. I can see, I can see the camera panning through his window. That's how it like happened.

Nichole: And he's like, dear journal. Today, I think I saved a soul.

I met a man living in polyamorous debauchery.

Daniel: And then he pauses and you see the cursor.

Daniel: But I gave him a shot. shot that killed him. I save them through humane execution.

Laurel: All right, Kevorkian.

Daniel: Doctors mentioned in this show. Doogie Howser. Dr. Kevorkian, not RFK.

PAH Closing Theme: This has been Poly Amateur Hour, a production of Risa Records. If you have a question for Ask the Amateurs or a recommendation for, is This Poly, please email us at Poly Amateur hour@gmail.com. If you enjoyed the show and you know you did, you perv, please subscribe to us on your pod Catcher of Choice.

PAH Closing Theme: Leave us a five star review and most importantly, tell at least one person in your life to check us out. Or four. Remember, the advice given by the amateurs should not be followed unless you are prepared to be ecstatically happy, successful, and strange. Until next time.