Laurel (2): So my friend's child who spit toasted me couple weeks ago.

Yeah.

Laurel (2): And then set up, write proper boundaries after saying, I love you. I don't wanna say anything else.

Daniel: That whole statement, that sentence that you just made sounds so weird to anybody who does not know our nomenclature

Nichole: set up.

Nichole: Right. Proper boundaries.

Daniel: No. This kid who spit toasted me,



Daniel: Spit toasting is our segment where we say really kind things about each other because the world breaks us down on a minute by minute basis at all other times.

Laurel (2): Yeah. And my friend's kids participated in that anyways. They were over one day hanging out with me and they brought a bunch of their, like stuffed animals and toys and stuff. And the youngest had this like little raptor figurine. Mm-hmm. Like. Probably like the, is like the palm of your hand, like very small little guy, but it's like very precious.

Laurel (2): And then when mom came to pick him up and take him home we couldn't find the raptor. And I was like going insane about this. 'cause I was like, we were careful about the raptor, like where where did it go? Mm-hmm. You

Daniel: Always gotta just guess at that point in the child's nose

Laurel (2): or in the dog's tummy. I, yeah, but like Zoe doesn't usually eat things. Mm-hmm. Like, she should do pretty good about it. And I guess the kid kept telling mom like I remember hiding it in a little, like a secret little place

Laurel (2): and I found it today. And I have this like diorama, like a model that I built that is the size of a book.

And you

Laurel (2): can put it like in your bookcase between books. So it just looks like, oh, books, find books, find book spine. Ooh, diorama.

Daniel: I've seen, I've seen these like little cafe scenes. Exactly.

Laurel (2): And that's what it is.

Laurel (2): It's like a little alleyway cafe scene. And today I notice a raptor hanging out in the cafe.

Daniel: They have those in Japan.

Laurel (2): A Raptor cafe. Yeah. Yeah. So you could come in and pet the raptor. I believe it. And

Nichole: So did the child put it in the Yes.

Laurel (2): Put it in the diorama and didn't remember and did it, I guess.

Laurel (2): Didn't remember, but remembered enough to know like that they put it in a secret little place. Yeah. What? Magical like little child brain imagination. That's just like, I put it in a little place

Nichole: that's so cute. Isn't it?

Laurel (2): So cute.

So there, that was the most wholesome thing I will ever bring to this podcast.

Nichole: Okay. This is a question that's like Gen X versus millennial again.

Nichole: Laurel, you can attest to this, right?

Nichole: Mm-hmm. Jurassic Park comes out. Everybody wants to be a paleontologist. Right? There is a ton of books, a ton of toys that are like dinosaur focused. Yes.

Laurel (2): I wanna go find some Dino bones. Yeah.

Laurel (2): And then make a dinosaur. Yes. Yeah. And like

Nichole: But I'm wondering Daniel were dinosaurs. 'cause dinosaurs have continued, I think, to be a thing for young people, for like, like little kids.

Nichole: Were they always, Were they always a thing?

Daniel: Steven Spielberg. Did not invent dinosaurs. I

Laurel (2): don't, I dunno about that. That's a hot take, Daniel.

Daniel: So dinosaurs were no pun intended, huge. When I was a kid, I had like, trading cards of all the different dinosaurs and the different, like prehistoric mammals.

Mm-hmm. Um,

Daniel: I had uh, books about learning how to ride and keep dinosaurs. What,

how to train your dinosaur.

Daniel: How to train your dinosaur. No, dinosaurs have always been at least through the 20th century, I think. Uh, Little, a little kid

Nichole: thing.

Daniel: Yeah. Specifically. Specifically I think little boys, it might've like if, if, if, well

Laurel (2): actually that's interesting 'cause in the 18 hundreds it was actually like stereotypically a little girl thing

Laurel (2): and little girls wore blue and little boys wore uhhuh and men wore high heels.

Daniel: That's because little girls had tiny arms back then.

Nichole: So they just identified. Yeah, harder representation matters. I see myself as a dinosaur.

Laurel (2): Wow.

Daniel: Oh what? Welcome to Poly Amateur Hour.

Laurel: I'm Laurel, I'm Nicole,

Daniel: I'm Daniel.

Laurel (2): I still feel compelled after we do that to be like, and together we make

Daniel: If we do that, then we're committing to a hand stack.

Nichole: Aw. Did we ever, Did we decide that thing was called a hand stack? I think that's like the conclusion

we

Nichole: came

to.

Daniel: Put your hand on my hand stack.

Nichole: Put your head on my shoulder. Is that what you're singing?

Daniel: Yeah, but I have headphones on and they have no pitch.

Laurel (2): That's your excuse. What's mine? Put your hand on

Laurel: my hands.

Daniel: That was actually pretty good. Yeah. Yeah. It was like a little sweet, tiny voice.

Laurel (2): That's the only voice I have.

Daniel: Today is a very special episode.

Laurel: I'm so excited. We did a read alert to reach out to our Berts in Melbourne.

Laurel: I. They reached back and we're gonna get a stu on today to talk about poly live in the down under.

Daniel: Yeah. I mean, all the writing in the letter that he sent us was backwards.

Laurel (2): Yeah. And

Daniel: upside down.

Laurel (2): Oh, you had to hold a mirror up to it. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And flush it counterclockwise.

Daniel: So, he's like, you know, I'm not super out. Call me Dibert

Nichole: De Bert,

Daniel: name of his, his memoir.

Daniel: Call Me Dibert.

Laurel (2): Got it. Okay. What time is it?

Daniel: It's about six till.

Laurel: In my head I'm like, oh, well, once you start a Zoom link, it's like a ticking time bomb. And so you have to find the perfect right moment to send it. That's not too soon, but not too late. I don't know.

Laurel: But

Nichole: don't we have a very specific time scheduled to talk? Yes, we do. So like, wouldn't, wouldn't they not click the link until that? Yes. Okay.

Daniel: But we're communicating with Melbourne, which is a little like communicating with like an alternate dimension.

Daniel: Or a different time.

Daniel: It's like that episode of Voyager when they were speaking through the tiny, tiny wormhole.

Laurel: Oh yeah.

Daniel: And they thought they were speaking to people back in their home quadrant and they were, but it was also like 70 years earlier.

Daniel: That's what I imagine our wormhole to Melbourne

that's Yeah. Is less. We just have a little, it's 70 years ago.

Laurel (2): I've been eating pixie sticks off camera on my zoom meetings at work because I have a problem.

Daniel: Raver girl vaping.

Laurel (2): Is that what it is? It's the raver girl version of vaping. Yeah. I feel like vaping is also the raver girl version of vaping. Yeah. Yeah.

Laurel (2): What does moron mean? Like what's the etymology? Entomology. Entomology

Daniel: is bugs. Etymology is words.

Laurel (2): How can I remember that?

Daniel: Entomology because bugs enter your body through your ear.

Laurel (2): Okay. Unlike words fuck, fuck

Nichole: You were just pounding those pixie sticks. Yeah, it's bad.

Daniel: We had from our, um, photo shoot, , a coke mirror with pixie sticks on it to make it look like we were snorting colored powdered sugar. And so now we've got a bag of like 500 pixie sticks.

Laurel (2): They're the only thing that's been keeping me going. I've had really late meetings all week. And I told my coworker this I was like, when you see me go off camera during those meetings, I'm just eating a pixie stick.

Laurel (2): Mm-hmm. But it's too awkward to eat a pixie stick on camera with your colleagues in Southeast Asia. So, yeah. It's

Nichole: not awkward to eat pixie sticks in front of other people when you're recording a podcast. You guys are family. You know me. I think it's probably just awkward to eat pix pixie sticks in whatever context.

Nichole: Yeah. I was like, choke 'em. Oh shit. I'm sorry.

Laurel (2): Yeah, they're not like a, they're not a thing. Anyone should be caught eating. They're not elegant. No. You're just dumping a tube of sugar down your gullet,

Daniel: therefore neglected children in the city. Like ones that you just encounter in the wild who are stealing bikes and have half rotten teeth.

Daniel: The pixie sticks are for them.

Laurel (2): Yeah, well, it's like it was too expensive to form your sugar into something else. So here it is. Just in a paper tube,

Nichole: But also Pixie sticks kids sounds like a gang that would've run around with half rotten teeth and eating pixie sticks.

Daniel: It's like the slightly skeer version of the Little Rascals.

Daniel: Mm-hmm. It's like their, their enemy child gang from across the tracks, the pixie sticks kids

Laurel (2): okay. Idea. Yeah.

Daniel: Should we finish our intro of, of

Laurel (2): no idea

Nichole: first.

Laurel (2): Okay. Pixie.

Nichole: Pixie sticks. But Sticks is spelled with a y and it is a mashup of the Pixies and sticks. Oh

Laurel (2): yeah. Right. Uhhuh, right. Yeah.

Laurel (2): So somebody get on that. I'll book you at my venue, which is my house on a Tuesday afternoon.

Laurel (2): Did you wanna finish this intro?

Daniel: okay, so. For those of you just joining us, which you picked a hell of an episode, a read alert is when we call out to our anonymous listeners somewhere out there in the world who we see show up on our data, on our podcast hosting platform and we say Hey, hey, hey, reach out.

Daniel: Talk to us.

Laurel (2): a little more desperate than that. Yeah. We're not so like, we're not like non like, Hey, we're like please half the time.

No. Please, Please.

Daniel: We need to know that we're not just shouting into the void Uhhuh.

Daniel: Or in Laurel's case, snacking into the void.

Nichole: Please don't. Sorry.

Daniel: So my own poly Idaho, the resultant segment often is when we talk with somebody who is poly in an area that is far away from us and alien to our insular culture of Portland, Oregon.

Daniel: So far it's been people in various places in the United States reddish states.

Daniel: Purple states, less populated states.

Laurel (2): Corn flavored states.

Nichole: Dick shaped state.

Daniel: But today is our first, my own Polly Idaho from somebody in a different country, on a different continent.

Daniel: Somebody who's probably met a kangaroo.

Laurel (2): I've met a kangaroo.

Laurel: Aw, I met a Joey. Aw, it was cute.

Daniel: At a zoo, or No, you went to Australia once, didn't you? Uhhuh

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: Yeah.

Daniel: To meet a Joey.

Laurel: To meet a Joey.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel (2): It didn't work out. I

Daniel: Did you meet him on field?

Laurel (2): No. Field didn't exist at the time.

Daniel: Just uh, um, exotic Australian animal. Tinder.

Laurel (2): Yeah. Wombat finder.

Daniel: And this is the greatest distance from which we have ever fished for a listener.

Nichole: Oh, it's true. Is there a greater distance? Yeah. Can you be farther away?

Daniel: I do not know. Math time,

math

Daniel: break.

Daniel: Skip the math break.

Laurel (2): We decided not to math.

Laurel (2): Do you wanna hear more about plasma? Well, we wait for our guest.

Laurel (2): Let me check if I've got fired yet.

Laurel (2): So now everything comes with like an AI assistant. An Outlook has one called Copilot. So I was like, sure, I'll see what this does. And it was like, what would you like your email to say?

Laurel (2): I would type it my fucking self if I knew what I wanted it to say. But I just know I'm supposed to send emails for work. For the content like, here's the link to blah, blah, blah. And then you can push a button that's like, make it longer and then you can just keep pushing the button that makes it longer.

Laurel (2): And it's it just adds shit. Like, hope you're doing well. If you have any questions, reach just

Nichole: , so I used Otter AI to transcribe a tarot card reading I had, and I just needed you to know that.

Daniel: Well, I ter

Laurel (2): is that uh, endo you? Mm-hmm. You ter?

Daniel: Yep. Yep.

Nichole: Oh, now I'm

doing it.

Heyyyyyy.

Laurel (2): I just think about how fucking embarrassed Dawn Draper was. So that

Daniel: What a fucking uptight weirdo.

Laurel (2): Yeah. I think that was really like, the thesis of Mad Men. What a fucking uptight weirdo.

Daniel: Did we miscalculate like times or something? Does he think that it's at a

Laurel (2): No. I even, We even talked about daylight savings time and stuff. I wor, I used World Time Buddy

Laurel (2): but we can't make this entire episode just about us waiting. Waiting for Bert.

Nichole: One of the most pretentious things I ever heard of was a production of Waiting for Gadot that wouldn't start until an audience member left. Oh, I

have heard of this

Nichole: too. Maybe you told me about it. I might have. Maybe I talked about it on the podcast

the last time we brought up Gau

Daniel: I would've been so pissed if I was that audience member. Right?

Nichole: I would've been so pissed if I was that audience. Like, What the fuck?

Laurel (2): It's not cute. I think I would've been mad and then delighted and then mad again.

Daniel: Woo.

Laurel (2): Pixie stick. Pixie

Daniel: stick. I had. So if, if Dibert doesn't show up,

Laurel (2): yeah. Then we have to snort all the remaining pixie sticks.

Daniel: And then Nicole does does a Bert impression, does the um, voice We interview Nicole as

Nichole: Bert

Nichole: to the delight of everybody. Yeah.

Daniel: All right. If Bert doesn't show up

Daniel: I do have a backup guest lined up for today.

Laurel (2): You have a

back?

Laurel (2): Oh, no. Oh no. I know who it is. Did you bring it down here? Is it down here? It's down. Ew, it's been with us. No, he's been here the whole time. Oh my God. Uh. The problem with a ventriloquist dummy doll is, it doesn't work for a non-visual audience.

Daniel: Now you say that, but on the Colgate Comedy Hour,

which is basically the foundation of the show, so, oh my God.

Daniel: So, so actually like, so actually yeah, lemme do an act a So actually ventriloquist dummy fact. The most famous, The most famous like ventriloquist dummy I think his name was Ed Edgar Bergen what's her name's dad? Candace Berg's dad.

Daniel: Yeah. He was the

Nichole: most

Daniel: famous. He was the most famous ventriloquist.

Nichole: Okay. And,

Daniel: And Charlie McCarthy was his ventriloquist. W he was even more famous. And they got famous doing ventriloquism on radio shows.

Nichole: What You are that character from that. I think you should leave Sketch. He's playing the obscured charades, Coolie Comedy Hour.

Nichole: Come on.

Laurel (2): So that is mind boggling. That she's a nepo baby.

Daniel: Yeah. Oh, thats what I'm caught up on. Her childhood was fucking insane. Her father treated Charlie McCarthy, the ventriloquist dummy as though he was a brother to her. He, Charlie McCarthy had his own room and would like go on vacations with them and we'd sit at the table and he would just jokingly always refer to your brother,

Nichole: I hate this.

Nichole: Is this what you're planning on doing with this fucking vent? Vent? I can't even say it. Ventriloquist dummy, what's its

Laurel (2): name So we can refer to it appropriately.

Daniel: So for those of you at home,

Daniel has a ventriloquist doll on his lap right now that he just produced out of the corner of the studio just in case Dibert didn't show up. He just, yeah. So this is a premeditated joke planted in the studio.

Daniel: Premeditated assault. So, um, we did a photo shoot a while ago and part of its theme was old fashioned variety show with like a David Lynch twist.

Daniel: And I was like, oh, I gotta get a ventriloquist dummy. And so I ordered one off of eBay. I. Of course I actually had a ventriloquist dummy when I was a kid. Got it. At Callan's novelties. Go back and listen to that crusty old magic shot between your legs episode for a over detailed description. So I order ventriloquist, dummy, and now following in the footsteps of Edgar Bergen, I would like to present the Daniel and Peter.

Daniel: Show

Peter.

Daniel: Oh my god, his name is Peter. No.

Laurel (2): Okay.

Daniel: What's so funny about that?

Laurel (2): Okay, it's 'cause it's also what you call your penis, which is weird.

Daniel: It's like a wood joke.

Nichole: All right. Well, hi Peter.

Daniel: Hi, Nicole. It's a pleasure to meet you.

Nichole: You're actually moving the ventriloquist dummy. He's just excited, but it's,

and so he wiggles when he talks, so he's talking about himself in the third.

Wow.

Laurel (2): Like the way it's positioned is unclear if you're controlling it with your hand or your Peter Yeah, you

have him like

Nichole: almost underneath the table. We can't actually really see him

Daniel: have some sympathy for Daniel. He's a little out of practice with the ventriloquism technique.

Okay. You're right. You're right Peter.

Lemme tell you an embarrassing story about Daniel.

Nichole: Okay.

Alright.

Nichole: All right. Uhhuh.

Daniel: When he bought his ventriloquist dummy at Callan's Novelties, the only one that was really affordable was the black ventriloquist dummy?

Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. And so it was like really problematic.

Daniel: There was, it was, it was a little bit like uh, the jazz singer, you know?

yep. Jewish performer,

black

Daniel: ventriloquist, dummy. Eventually he started neglecting the dummy, wait, put it, put it in a chest in the corner.

And we don't even know what happened to him.

Nichole: Okay. So this is also your job from Eissa Development.

Oh, my.

Daniel: So if you ever schedule yourself as a guest on our show, make sure you show up. Otherwise, you get

me Peter, the surly penis doll.

No penis doll, and oh, oh boy.

Let's check our email.



Nichole: what

Laurel (2): date did you give him?

Daniel: I didn't schedule it. Laurel scheduled it.

Laurel (2): I was like, my Friday afternoon. Your Saturday morning. Okay. Alright. Yeah. Don't

Nichole: I, that's why I was

Laurel (2): looking at Daniel. Yeah. No, because

Daniel: I'm the one who usually fucks things up.

Laurel (2): Yeah. No I'm familiar with scheduling things with people in different countries.

Laurel (2): I don't know. Maybe he got cold feet.

Nichole: So do you wanna do a unicorn hunter hunters while we wait?

Daniel: Well, the unicorn hunter hunters for today is from Melbourne. I went on field Melbourne and started searching for the most unicorn, huntery profiles that we could have. Yeah. So

Nichole: yeah.

Daniel: Let's do a unicorn. Hunter. Hunters.

Nichole: Yeah. Yes.

Daniel: so. Unicorn Hunter Hunters is the segment where we look at couples looking for thirds or thirds and fourths.

Laurel (2): And we rate them in three categories. The first one being self-aggrandizement, the second one being arbitrary rules. And

Laurel: the third one, would we unicorn for them?

Laurel (2): I have a pixie stick.

Nichole: What color would you like? Looks like there's a lot of orange. So I'll take an orange. I ate all of those on. Oh, just kidding.

Daniel: Here we go. Ready? All right, you gonna buckle your safety belts firstly. Thanks for checking out our profiles.

Laurel (2): Oh, you're welcome. Pleasure to be here.

Daniel: Me ellipsis, exclamation point. Tall. 193 centimeters. Isn't that like just the what isn't they, they use the, the uh, . Yeah. The menstrual. The menstrual menstrual scales scale. Yeah. But isn't that just the height of like a, a Star Wars figure? It sounds small when you say it in centimeters.

Daniel: Everything sounds, doesn matter, matter. Everything sounds small and

centimeters

Daniel: genuinely upbeat and positive. Animal lover, well traveled, love the ocean and mountains.

Daniel: We've got two sailboat emojis, a skiing emoji, a different skiing emoji, and some paw prints.

Laurel (2): You've never looked older than when you're trying to discern emojis.

Daniel: That's why they're gonna retire me at work. 'cause I can no longer, you can't

speak the language of the youths.

Daniel: I know. That's all media will soon be. Emojis and AI memes of Trump.

Oh my God. There's some weird shit out there.

Daniel: I know, I know. I am attracted to slim well put together people, sorry, but no plus sizes on the menu for me.

Daniel: So this is a profile from the man's voice. And so this is our first real contact in the wild with a no fatties rule. Wow.

Nichole: All right. Okay.

Daniel: I didn't know that it really existed anymore.

Nichole: Yeah, me neither.

Daniel: In all my years of internet dating, I don't think I've ever seen somebody give like a weight limit. Like they'll say fit, but no plus sizes.

Daniel: I have never actually heard that.

Nichole: But didn't we decide that Australia was 40 years behind us earlier this episode? So. Still, Still in the seventies. That makes sense. Yeah.

Daniel: Is Don Draper speaking to us? Yeah. Scarlet. I believe that must be his partner. Mm-hmm. Very attractive, intelligent, independent, and intriguing professional who can bust out a mean dance move.

Daniel: Us. Really long ellipses.

Daniel: Currently on Panang till November 23rd. So I think they're in Thailand. Panang.

Oh, okay.

Daniel: Together for 15 years. Easygoing, well traveled. We are comfortable both in the outdoors and concrete jungle We love the usual the ocean. Good food, travel, drinks, and the occasional rave

Laurel: you. Yeah.

Daniel: You can find us joining friends at boutique poof dos from time to time. Excuse me. Excuse

me.

Daniel: I really wanted our Melbourne guest to be able to decipher poof dos for us.

What the fuck? A poof. Doof. How's it wait, I'm sorry. Say the sentence again.

Wait, can you contextualize that again?

Daniel: You can find us joining friends at Boutique poof Doof from time to time boutique. It's a where the, the a poof. A boutique Poof. Doof is where the, the, the poofs are porcelain. The doof are lace.

How is it spelled?

Daniel: Exactly how it sounds? P-O-O-F-D-O-O-F.

Nichole: Poof. Dos.

Nichole: All right. Well, I wanna Google it, but I also kind of want it to be a mystery. Yeah. I

Daniel: Seeking fund dates. F-F-M-M-F-M-F. While not seeking single guys, we have considered MMF for the right person who fits our criteria and high standards, well-spoken, good looking and genuine guys only we will reach out if we decide on this path.

Daniel: So please, no single guys.

Laurel (2): Don't call us, we'll call you. But do they know how this app works? I think it's like, it's okay if you match with us, but don't message us if you match with yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Daniel: Happy to make new friends along the way.

Daniel: Really.

Nichole: No, they're not. Yeah. Yeah.

Daniel: Um, Yeah. Let's go and like, just have a, a montage at the, at the local fair and split a milkshake. Go on the Ferris wheel. Let's

Laurel (2): go have a montage at the poof doof.

Laurel (2): What

Laurel (2): I'm try to, I wanna think of like an American equivalent. Like What is something that like taken out of context you would not know what the fuck we were talking about.

Daniel: A sock hop?

Nichole: Yes. Yes. Yeah.

Laurel (2): You can

Nichole: find us at the boutique sock hop, but when was the last time anybody had a fucking sock hop? Yeah.

Daniel: I don't know. You talked to the guy with a ventry was dumping under the table.

You should know. That's exactly why we're asking you.

Daniel: Speaking to me is like speaking through the wormhole in that Voyager episode.

Daniel: Okay. And continuing. We are quite relaxed and easy on the eye. Happy in our long-term relationship. Well traveled professionals who take our fun seriously.

Laurel (2): They mention they're well traveled more than once.

Daniel: Yes.

Nichole: Through language and emojis. Mm. Yeah. I believe.

Daniel: They also mentioned that they're professional more than once too. These guys are, are polished, clean,

Laurel (2): I'm a professional swinger.

Nichole: Do we get to see photos?

Daniel: Yes. and you guys are in for it.

Daniel: So we're gonna start here with a picture of both of them.

Daniel: In a car, it's a seatbelt selfie. A double seatbelt selfie.

Laurel (2): Is that a thing? And am I supposed to know what you mean when you say a seatbelt? Selfie? Yeah. I don't know what that means.

Daniel: Oh, it's when somebody takes a selfie of them in their car and they've got the seatbelt on and everything. It's kind of like the bathroom selfie when people put their foot up on the sink. It's like one of the classic archetypical selfies when people put

Laurel (2): their foot on the bathroom sink.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel (2): Are we looking at two different internets?

Laurel (2): Wait, what internet are you guys on?

Nichole: Okay.

Nichole: See belt self guys. Okay. Seat belt selfies, guys.

Daniel: I'm not hallucinating it. I intensely hope.

Laurel (2): Yeah. I've had like eight pixie sticks, so there's no trust in me.

Daniel: I can't believe

this episode.

Daniel: So first picture, double seatbelt. Selfie. Please describe to me the man's expression.

Nichole: That grimace emoji? Yeah, I

was just gonna say that grimace emoji,

Nichole: the one I use all the time, because it's the face I make all the time.

Nichole: Ooh, ooh.

Daniel: It looks like he's he's got a caper between his front teeth. Like he's just biting down on a small seed or nut and just showing us his teeth. It's not smiling. It's like, It's like somebody described what a open mouth smile was to an alien and he's just trying, it's ape It's,

Laurel (2): it's like when you're getting an x-ray at the dentist and they make you bite down on that thing.

Laurel (2): Yeah, and it hurts.

Nichole: It's that Lady Gaga song. Show me your teeth. Oh yeah.

Daniel: It's a little also like the cheese, please. What are their names? Wallace I

in Grommets? Yeah. It's a bit of a Wallace and grommet. Oh yeah. Face the moon is made of cheese. Grommets.

Daniel: I'm glad we got. At least one accent in done. This episode, she's just kind of snaking her head over, giving a little peek.

Yeah,

Daniel: She's like, no. Am I supposed to be in this picture? Can I join you? Okay. And Nicole, this one's for you.

Nichole: Oh, he is on a boat. He's on a boat.

Laurel (2): next picture.

Daniel: All right. You ready for this one?

Mm-hmm.

Daniel: It's another boat.

He's also on a boat. Boat. He's on on a boat. Another boat still another still on a boat.

Daniel: He's still on a boat. Oh, it a

different It is a different boat. It's a different boat. Wow. He's

Daniel: a two boat Charlie.

Ah.

This is the

best episode yet. I don't know why you're worried about it. Two about Charlie. Any relation to cream pie? Charlie? I mean, look at this guy. Of course.

Laurel (2): Oh my God. Dude, I think the steering wheel on this boat is bigger than the steering wheel on the last boat. Yeah. He's showing off his big steering wheel. It doesn't

wait. Is each picture, each kid send, get a picture is just him with a bigger steering wheel. Yeah.

Nichole: You start with the car. Yeah.

Oh my God. It's true.

Nichole: It's true.

Daniel: The next one is, it's just, it's a Just coming out of his fly.

A steering wheel.

Daniel: Yeah, and he is like, it's driving me nuts.

Oh God. Oh God.

What is the actual next picture?

Daniel: next picture.

Nichole: They're standing in front of a Porsche Logo. Logo.

Daniel: Now he may not actually have a Porsche,

Laurel (2): but he has a wall with a Porsche. But he was there where they

Nichole: have them.

Laurel (2): Yeah.

Daniel: And they're posing like, they're so proud to be at the Porsche Festival.

Nichole: Oh my God. Are they, and they're wearing like business casual. Yeah. Is this, Is this the same? Oh, they're professionals. They

Daniel: are. They're, oh, that's

Nichole: right. Oh my God. I forgot. They're professionals. They're, how could I forget? They're

Daniel: well traveled, Well traveled professional professionals.

Daniel: Yeah. Alright, here's another one for Nicole.

Nichole: He's in another part of the boat. It looks like the bottom of a boat. The boat, the place where you sleep on the boat. And he is still wearing sunglasses inside.

Daniel: He's still wearing sunglasses inside. Maybe he doesn't have eyes.

Nichole: Okay, so, so, okay, so, okay. Just two

Daniel: sockets, two open sockets.

Nichole: No. That is exactly what I was thinking. 'cause I always think about this with people who don't show their teeth in their profile photos. I'm like, oh, their teeth are fucked up. And I was like, he doesn't have eyes. That's why he's wearing sunglasses

Daniel: and he's always showing his teeth. 'cause he's got great teeth.

Daniel: No eyes.

Laurel (2): Yeah. He is like, let's show off my best asset. But like, don't look at the, the gaping voids. Behind the sunglasses. Uh, hey, I told you not to come back here.

Nichole: Alright, next photo.

Daniel: I first I want us to look in the background of this,

Nichole: of this. It's another guy manning his boat.

Daniel: Yeah. You look through the like little port holy kinda window into I guess the deck of the boat. And there's just another guy at another wheel piloting this boat. It's getting meta. Like is that him?

Daniel: Is that him again? Outside piloting the boat. That he is, oh my God. Posing in front of, oh

Laurel (2): my God. Also, I mean, while there was no actual steering wheel in the last photo, the Porsche logo implies a steering wheel in the future.

Nichole: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. What does it mean? So many steering wheels. So many steering wheels,

Nichole: what if we. Make total fun of this fucking profile. And what if this is deeper?

Daniel: And because he's displaced in time. 'cause he has actually, oh God, in the future maybe and not the past. He has already heard this episode and he is incredibly offended. Oh. That we have been making fun of his profile and that's why he didn't show up.

Laurel (2): Oh, it all makes sense now. I'm sorry, Bert, but come on, you know how we feel about boats

Daniel: and it's time you like faced how this looks. Open your eyes

Laurel (2): if you have them.

Daniel: Yeah. Open your eyes if you got any, if you even have any

Laurel (2): eyes. All right. Someone somewhere who doesn't have eyes is writing us a very angry letter right now. Mm-hmm.

Daniel: So there is a kind of a post script

Laurel (2): Oh.

Laurel (2): Oh,

Daniel: in that, like yours or theirs? Theirs in that, I didn't notice this until I scrolled all the way to the bottom of their profile, but they skip like 20 lines. It's just like 20 lines of blank white page. Mm-hmm. And then. New to the field world. Globe emoji. Yeah. No shit.

Nichole: No shit, dude. What?

Daniel: Unless this is just a like an asterisk footnote that field put on there. Yeah. What themselves? Just uh, these people are new. They're, don't

Nichole: worry about them. Forgive them, please. I would love it if Field did that

and they All right.

They just put it so far down the profile that people don't notice that they've been tagged by field.

Daniel: it's been a while since we had a really uncomfortable unicorn hunter hunters. So speak

Laurel (2): for yourself.

Laurel (2): I'm so like at home with these people.

Nichole: Incredible. No, we know what your answer's gonna be for Woody unicorn.

Get me in that Porsche. Daddy. Get me on that boat.

Daniel: I'm so wet. I, because I'm on a boat.

Nichole: All right. Self-aggrandizement.

Laurel (2): I mean like several boat pictures. Several boat pictures. Several boat pictures. Professional.

Laurel (2): Professional.

Daniel: Very attractive.

Nichole: Well traveled. May or may not drive a Porsche, but at least was in proximity of other Porsche. I've been near a Porsche. I don't know. I've near you don't brag, but like, I've been near a Porsche. Yeah.

Laurel (2): I like took a photo in front of the Porsche wall. Have you guys even seen the Porsche wall?

Daniel: Whatever people are this self aggrandizing. But they don't mention their dick size. I'm like, surprised. Oh, it's 190

Laurel (2): centimeters.

Nichole: That's I think that's I think that's six feet long.

Nichole: He's just gotta roll up and flop it out.

Daniel: He's like way bigger than, it's way bigger than Peter. I mean, the doll.

Nichole: Yeah. That's why he needs a boat because he needs like all that space of the ocean. Just don't let his dick unfurl. Yes.

Daniel: He rides on his dick. It's like, it floats on the water.

Nichole: He's like a, that's how he fishes anyways.

Nichole: Okay.

Daniel: I'm gonna give them a, I'm gonna give him an eight for self-aggrandizement.

Nichole: I'm gonna give them a nine because he doesn't mention his dick size, but the boat is really far fucking up there.

Daniel: Yeah. So you would give him a 10 if he mentioned his dick size?

Nichole: I think what

if it was small? What if he mentioned it, but it was small size

Daniel: queens.

Daniel: And by size, I mean into tiny MicroPen eye.

Nichole: Okay. What I, what is preventing me from giving him a 10? Maybe I'll just give him a 10. Wow. Yeah. Come a bone because it's like mostly boat photos. Also luxury car adjacent. Yeah. Also her, I mean, it's probably a fake leopard print coat, assuming it's fake.

Nichole: But yeah. I don't know.

Laurel (2): 10, 10

Laurel (2): ding, ding,

ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, Ding.

Laurel (2): I'll give him a nine. Yeah. Because I feel like, I don't know, some people talk more at length about how attractive they are. Yeah. Or like how cool they are and their lifestyle is. And he just decided to show it by all the boat pictures.

Nichole: I just don't think I'm going to get another profile that is this boat heavy? Yeah, no, I think And it's my own personal.

Laurel (2): Yeah.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel (2): I agree. I think that's, I think you made the right choice for you. Get your boat for sure. Get your boat

Daniel: jollys out while you can.

Laurel (2): Yeah. I think if there are one picture with an even bigger steering wheel, I would've been all in.

Laurel (2): Alright. Arbitrary rules. No, fatties is a big deal.

Daniel: Yeah. I think I'm gonna give him a nine on arbitrary rules, even though there weren't that many, but no, fatties is such a fucking extremely shitty flex.

Laurel (2): Yes. Yeah.

Laurel (2): And the whole weird , I'll have my people call your people if you're a man.

Nichole: Yeah. No single dudes. Yeah. Unless we decide that In which case you're no case single dude. Yeah. But still Don't talk to us.

Daniel: It's like,

Daniel: come here. No. Not that close.

Laurel (2): Hold me. Don't touch me.

Nichole: Look at me. Don't

Laurel (2): look at

Nichole: me. Look at me. Don't look at me.

Laurel (2): Fuck you. What? And Daniel's just making eyes at me like, that's how you are. Laurel.

Nichole: I was doing Naomi Watts from, I heard Huckabees

Daniel: I would totally unicorn for Naomi Watts and leave Schreiber. Yeah, me too. If they ever invited me, let's

Laurel (2): make a profile for them. Let's make

Nichole: a unicorn

under

Nichole: profile for that, and then we'll connect ourselves to it and be like, yes, that's, that, that is a level of sad that I don't ever want to reach, which is constructing my own life on the internet and like the fantasy realm of like connecting myself to, I was watching a documentary about this guy who's like a total fucking murderer, but he also like.

Nichole: He constructed his life on the internet to make it look like he was a model and like that there were a ton of like, fan um, is that

Daniel: , Bert has entered the waiting room.

Daniel: Oh.

Laurel: Hi. Hi.

Nichole: Alright, so Hello Bert.

D-Bert: I wore my special top for you guys too.

Nichole: Love it. Love it, Love it. Yes. Dibert is wearing a shirt that is a Star Trek reference.

Daniel: So like almost all of our, my own Poly Idaho participants so far Dibert found us through. Our priority one message on greatest Jen. Yeah. Shout out to greatest Jen.

Laurel (2): Yeah. All of our favorite people come from the Trekky sphere. It turns out.

Daniel: So it sounds like you jumped on and started listening right away.

D-Bert: Did.

Daniel: And you're still here.

D-Bert: I'm

Daniel: Wow.

Laurel (2): By the grace of God somehow.

Laurel (2): What do you

Daniel: like about us?

You don't have to that don't have answer that.

D-Bert: You guys are fun. I love listening. Like you guys, I think there's more laughter than speech in a theory episode, which is fun. This is true. Um, You guys work really well together, like it's great.

Laurel (2): Thank you.

Laurel (2): Thank you. That's very nice. Appreciate it. Do you wanna do I don't know, do you wanna introduce yourself as. In depth or as little as you wanna introduce yourself,

Laurel (2): yeah, I

D-Bert: can give a, give the two, two sentence overview. So, I'm currently an ambulance attendant in Melbourne, so the closest to what you guys would have would be an EMT basic.

D-Bert: I'm also a trainer or instructor doing that and have been for about four years and I've currently gone back to school to become a paramedic. Wow. married for 23 years. This year.

D-Bert: Was engaged for three years before that. So it's 26 years this year. Yeah. And we've been non for 15, I think it's 15 or 16 of that so far. Wow. Um, I'm on my second partner, it's my best friend that we have a relationship with, and we've been together now 12 as a proper couple. And my wife has been, she's had a few, but the current one's about six year, five or six years I think.

Nichole: Oh my gosh.

D-Bert: He's from Perth. He's literally got on a plane to go back to Perth yesterday. Aw. So he's been over for a couple weeks. Wow. Yeah, that's me.

Nichole: So there's a lot of long-term non-monogamy. Yeah, your little poly

Daniel: You can't extrapolate for all of Australia though.

D-Bert: No, I definitely can't. I mean, I've only been in Melbourne for 11 years, so, even I'm, I still feel like I'm new here.

Daniel: Do you practice kitchen table poly or parallel? Poly? Are you in a

D-Bert: Yeah. Sort of a mixture? When we first started out so my wife was with my partner's husband and we were like four of us. So that was definitely kitchen table. They've since broken up, not the greatest they don't talk to each other anymore.

D-Bert: Oh, no. Which has made things a bit more difficult, but yeah. We still, we visit each other every week and have a night bad date nights and do all that, so. I've known her longer than I've known my wife.

D-Bert: She's been my best friend for 25, 27 years at this point. So yeah, that definitely helps.

Laurel (2): Yeah, that's a really cool dynamic. That's so interesting that it's someone that you've known longer than your wife. Were best friends or still are best friends with

D-Bert: them. Oh, by March it only like a month or so, but yeah,

Laurel (2): just barely.

Daniel: So, this is a little behind the scenes thing, for the last 20 to 30 minutes of any recording, Nicole is absolutely desperate to move things along quicker and to, and to, and I can see it in her eyes right now.

Daniel: So we might as well just start rolling out those questions.

Laurel (2): Yeah. What are they, what are those questions?

Daniel: What is unique about being poly in your city? In Melbourne, did I get it, Melbourne?

D-Bert: Like I'm not looking for new partners.

D-Bert: I'm not dating anyone else or looking at anyone, so I don't go out clubbing or whatever they, the youngins do these days. Mm-hmm. Uh, So yeah, we've, I said the group I'm in, my partners I've had, I've been, had had for a long time. So, um, we we're pretty stable.

Daniel: Mm-hmm.

D-Bert: I'm not sure I have a good answer for that one.

Daniel: What about, what is a poof doof? What is a poof doof? We were looking at in our unicorn hunter hunters segment where we were looking at some Melbourne unicorn hunters.

Daniel: They're like, you'll find us at a boutique. Poof. Doof.

D-Bert: I've never heard of it. Oh my god. I quick. Google says it's not the sort of thing I'm gonna be involved in.

D-Bert: Not exactly my scene.

Daniel: Oh my God. Oh, is it like a sex party? What is it?

D-Bert: What does it describe it as?

D-Bert: A queer party brand,

Laurel (2): a queer party brand.

D-Bert: That's what it's describing itself as.

Laurel (2): Yeah. There is poof doof.com. Damn. That's what

D-Bert: I'm

Daniel: looking at.

Laurel (2): Yeah.

Daniel: I had hoped that I could get that domain, but,

Laurel (2): And then poof, doof Melbourne Register now for the doof

D-Bert: is like a rave or like a nightclub.

D-Bert: Oh, because it's the, the base of the music.

Laurel (2): Oh, okay. Oh. So, okay. I get all right. I can get it now.

D-Bert: And Chapel Street is the the night strip nightclub strip Okay. Of Melbourne.

Daniel: All right. Additionally, poof do in my journeys through hunting for Melbourne unicorn hunters This morning again, and again, I came upon profiles that used the word cheeky in a context that I did not understand from my American English background. I understand cheeky is like a little naughty, but people are like,

D-Bert: yeah,

Daniel: I thought that they were using it like more like , we're really into cheeky things.

Daniel: , does cheeky mean kinky?

D-Bert: It can, yeah, it's that naughty. Slightly outside. Mainstream a little bit. Yeah.

Laurel (2): Okay. Huh. Okay. Wow.

D-Bert: Not too far off.

Laurel (2): We're learning a lot today about cheeky, poof, doof.

D-Bert: That's it. Yeah. More than we ever, this do, not do.

Nichole: So I guess, all right. I do wanna dig into um, so you opened up your marriage, right?

D-Bert: Yep.

Nichole: So can you tell us a little bit about that journey with you and your wife?

I.

D-Bert: I'm trying to think if I can remember it so long ago. It was so long ago.

Daniel: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

D-Bert: It may have been before some of your listeners were born, even like, it's a long time ago. It was more organic rather than a, like a specific conversation

D-Bert: I don't really see this poly as more just consensual, non-monogamous.

D-Bert: So ous rather than polyamorous. Oh,

Nichole: okay. Interesting. Yeah. Two partners. Yeah.

Daniel: Yeah.

Nichole: What were you gonna ask, babe?

Daniel: I don't, I don't remember. Oh, okay. So in the eighties there was what I can only describe as an Aussie boom in the United States. It was mainly about the Crocodile

D-Bert: Dundee.

Daniel: Exactly. Oh my God. It was mainly about the release of Crocodile Dundee like I went and saw both of the Crocodile Dundee movies in the theater. I bought like books from like the Barnes and Noble ordering catalog that were, where they're like, how to speak Australian and would have all the slang.

Daniel: But they

didn't teach you poof, doof.

Daniel: They did not teach, yeah. It was all like Bill Billabong and things like that.

Daniel: But I was wondering, as somebody who was in Australia at around the same age as me, did you have an experience of this from the other side? Like, Were you aware of suddenly there being a kind of casual Aussie fetishism in the United States.

D-Bert: And how does it make you feel? I was too young to think of that. I'm not aware of that at all. There definitely seemed quite a few movies around that time that was released that were filmed in Australia. Some we don't talk about.

Oh,

Daniel: how do you feel about crocodile? Indeed. Because we did a post using Paul Hogan's. That's

D-Bert: not a knife. Yeah.

Daniel: We did a post with him in it like when we did our first uh, read alert to reach out to you. And somebody like replied to us don't you fucking bring Paul Hogan into your freaky shit?

Daniel: He's a national treasure.

D-Bert: Okay. Mind him, I wouldn't call him a treasure.

Laurel (2): You heard it here first folks.

Nichole: He may be a national treasurer.

Nichole: May not be. Yeah, because Steve Irwin is in there too. Yeah. Well,

D-Bert: I would think

Nichole: he's a national treasure.

D-Bert: He Yeah, he is. Was, yes. Should say,

Daniel: yeah. Who would you like to represent Australian?

D-Bert: Oh,

Daniel: Naomi Watts is Australian, right?

D-Bert: Yeah. Yeah. Nicole Kidman's Australian. Yeah. They're called Kidman Australian.

Nichole: Yeah, yeah, Yeah. Couple Hardies, Couple hardies that look similar. Yeah. Yeah. I've always gotten them.

D-Bert: Yeah. I like watch, like when we watch a TV show and you say, oh, where's that actor from? And you look it up and, oh, they're Australia. They're from Sydney. They were like, that's always cool. I can't think of anything I'd want represent us.

D-Bert: Maybe everyone.

D-Bert: We're so multicultural. We're a big melting pot of every culture in the world, pretty much.

D-Bert: Like , when I'm at work and we're going people's houses there'll be days where every single person I sees a different ethnicity.

Laurel (2): That's very cool. That's great.

D-Bert: I'm curious though. You said there was three from Melbourne and I reckon I was two of them. Did the other person reach out?

Laurel (2): We have not heard from this. Third Melbourne listener.

D-Bert: As, as soon as you said there was three and I knew I was one of them and I told my wife about it and she subscribed so she's the second one?

Daniel: Is your partner slash best friends secretly listening?

D-Bert: Not that I'm aware of. I haven't even told the name of the podcast.

Laurel (2): Oh man, you gotta tell her. Come on.

Daniel: our very first poly pyramid scheme segment was asking you, UBS to tell just one person you are fucking about poly amateur hour.

Daniel: You did? Oh yeah. Yeah. Okay. Second, our second segment was asking you to tell two people you fucking, well, thank you very much for coming on Bert.

Laurel (2): Yeah, thank you so much, Bert.

D-Bert: You're more than

D-Bert: welcome. It's been fun.

Laurel (2): Yeah,

Daniel: We would keep you around for longer, but Nicole has to do things. Yeah.

Nichole: I gotta do

D-Bert: things. Things have a loss. Yeah. She's

Daniel: gotta get, She's gotta get to her 12 step meeting so she can vent about us.

Daniel: I barely stayed sober today because of these two chuckle fox. Oh my God.

D-Bert: Well, if you need to escape refugee wise, you are more than welcome to come over. You have a spare bed. We can work out the sleeping arrangements. Maybe. Miguel, sleep in the bed.

D-Bert: Daniel sleeps with us. Whatever you wanna do.

Thank you. Nice. It, yeah. We might need to seek refuge sooner than we we'll think. Oh, no, but where,

Daniel: where is um, Daniel, but where? Where is, Where is Peter going? Where? Where am I gonna sleep?

Motherfuckers, it's top.

D-Bert: We have a shelf.