Nichole: It's probably not that good of a story. There was a guy, I can't wait that, used to wear a lot of Bengals that like a couple of my friends slept with. oh, Bengal guy. I mean, we call them Mr. Jangle apparently

when he was doing it. Here we go, jangle jingle.

Daniel: And still you have a Pavlovian response to it. Whenever you hear, whenever you hear the jangles.

Nichole: I run the other way. I didn't like this guy,

Daniel: I mean, it's nice that you can hear him coming right.

Daniel: If he is one that you want to avoid. Right. It's like a cat with a bell on.

Nichole: Yeah. But you also heard him coming.

Laurel: The jangling just gets faster.

Oh God.

Laurel: I feel like that would annoy me to wear a bunch of Bengal during sex. . I do like the necklace that I wear. Sometimes it, like when you get into the right position, it happens during pull sometimes too, where it gets like stuck on my chin.

Daniel: For those of you at home, Laurel is demonstrating, pulling her necklace up around her chin. It's her own kind of ventriloquism on the radio moment, ventriloquism on

Nichole: the radio. It, when you do that, it looks like you have like one of those vintage football helmets on. Oh

Laurel: yeah. The little chin strap.

Laurel: The chill chin

Nichole: strap.

Laurel: But yeah, I've had moments where I had to like discreetly, like get myself out of the predicament.

Daniel: I mean, there's like a fine line right between clothing and accessories that are a kind of, I.

Daniel: Stimulating obstacle while you're fucking, you know, clothing, a certain amount of clothing to try and work around. Mm-hmm. Can kind of be fun.

Mm-hmm.

Daniel: Right. Yeah. And then you just go a little bit too far and you've got a fucking necklace, chin strap, or you're tangled up halfway in your shirt, you know, which is also kind of fun to see when it's just up over your head.

Daniel: When I just take, start to take your shirt off and I just leave it around your face like a, like a little face sock

Nichole: and her arms are up. They're just suck up.

Daniel: Yeah.

Nichole: I think when the most awkward part is face sock. The taking off of the shoes and the pants. Yeah. Like you're already getting into it and then you have to kind of pause and like slip the shoes off.

Nichole: Yeah. And then it's like shuffling around and just like with his pants around his ankles.

Daniel: Who will we having an argument with about the, uh, acceptability of the pants around ankles in any given situation?

Laurel: My

Daniel: roommate.

Daniel: Oh yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. Any

Nichole: given situation?

Laurel: I don't think it was any, well, actually no,

Nichole: I, okay. What was the argument? What was, no, I think,

Laurel: I think he was saying that it is like, it is the most embarrassing position to be caught in, with your pants around your ankles. And thus it's an embarrassing way to have sex with your pants still at your ankles.

Nichole: Okay. And what was your argument Daniel?

Daniel: I, again, like some like clothing half on and I think dropping the pants shows a certain amount of, urgency in, in the right sense? Yeah. Like that. It's, um, like in a, in a high quality kitchen, your sense of urgency, you know, you write it on the wall. They have the poster that says Sense of urgency. I think that's on the bear. You know, I have that like, written above the headboard

Nichole: in my room. I really, really thought high quality kitchen. I was like, like

Laurel: bed, bath and beyond.

Whatcha talking

Laurel: about? Yeah. I didn't realize you were making an analogy and like, I was like, so there's definitely a KitchenAid mixer in there.

Laurel: Yeah. I was like, yeah, you're on like a, a showroom, like an interior design showroom of a nice kitchen. And Daniel's like, no,

Daniel: he drops, I mean. Haven't we all like done it in a, in like a betting showroom? At least

Laurel: In a betting showroom, at least who, who has done that? Welcome to Poly Amateur Hour.

Daniel: I'm Daniel.

Laurel: I'm Nicole. I'm Laurel.

Nichole: Okay. But real quick, , I agree with you, Daniel. I don't think that pants around your ankles is the most embarrassing position to be in 'cause I do agree it, it denotes a sense of urgency.

Daniel: The worst half clothed situation to be fucking in is in a classic porky pig for a man where you're just wearing a t-shirt.

Daniel: No pants, no socks, no shoes. Um,

Laurel: ooh, cla. Thank you for saying porky pig. Why? Because some people call it poo bearing. I think that's offensive because I love Whitney the Pooh.

Daniel: And you don't wanna imagine him fucking I don't, yeah.

Laurel: I don't

Daniel: like doing it to a honeypot and then getting stuck.

Nichole: Okay. Alright. So like exactly that.

Nichole: Yeah. Like don't do that

Laurel: Ru I this, we started off on a good foot. Here we are.

Daniel: What are we doing? What are we doing here?

Laurel: Oh, what are we starting with?

Daniel: I today would like to bring to the table a very, very special edition of Read Alert.

Daniel: usually our read alerts are targeted at people in states who we have seen that we have some listenership

Daniel: today though, we are declaring a read alert for a celebrity whom we have discovered is some degree of non-monogamous, I think Nicole brought this to the table initially because of course she did. we have discovered that Fran Drescher of the nanny fame.

Daniel: Has quote, a rotation of friends with benefits. I love it.

Daniel: So did you bring your book report,

Nichole: Nicole? Okay. So drescher initially revealed that she had a friends with benefits who she would spend intimate time with every month

Nichole: at the time she explained the relationship was more than enough and she has a big life, very comfortable with each other. We have our routine, uh, they do

Daniel: it with his pants around his ankles.

Laurel: They're too busy. Sense of urgency.

Nichole: She just talks about how they meet once every other month she goes, of course we have sex.

Nichole: It's delightful. And it keeps me going.

Daniel: She just absorbs his life force and then lasts for another two

Laurel: months. Well that I was confused 'cause then she just talks about one person.

Nichole: But she does have a rotation.

Laurel: Good.

Daniel: I imagine them on like a little lazy Susan.

Nichole: I have a little rotation Drescher, told an outlet referring to her friends with benefits. I'm Fran Drescher. What do you think the actress added?

Daniel: So, Fran Drescher is for each one of us, the perfect woman.

Daniel: for me, she like represents my eighties and nineties nostalgia. She's the ultimate nice Jewish girl.

Daniel: For Nicole.

Daniel: She wears leopard print tops all the time. Like her sense of fashion on the nanny. I know she is not the nanny, but maybe she kind of is. I think this is a big reason why you, Nicole, are obsessed with Fran drescher.

Daniel: It

Nichole: is a big reason. I think the other big reason is that, she is fucking sexy and can deliver a punchline, like spot on.

Nichole: she's the whole package.

Daniel: And then for you, Laurel mm-hmm. She's a labor organizer, Yeah. She is the president of the Screen Actors Guild. What the hell? , the full package.

Laurel: Wow.

Daniel: Mm-hmm.

Laurel: Fran, if you'd like to be our fourth.

Daniel: I mean, have you had thoughts about Fran Drescher the same way that we have me and Nicole.

Laurel: I have,

Daniel: I feel like I'm my

Laurel: therapist's office. Laurel, have you had thoughts about Fran Drescher? I don't think about Fran Drescher that much.

Nichole: Oh my God, that's too bad. Don't you want your day to be brighter? Maybe that's what I've been missing.

Nichole: Have you seen the nanny?

Laurel: Yes. Okay. I watched it when it was on tv.

Nichole: should watch it again.

Daniel: It's

Laurel: delightful.

Daniel: I think you should cultivate, you know, some fantasy time about Fran Drescher. The way that Dr. Ruth said that you should have like fantasy breaks, you should have specifically Fran drescher breaks.

Nichole: What does Dr. Ruth say about fantasy breaks?

Daniel: She would say that we should all just take a few moments out of our day for sexual fantasy, like, you know, sit down, close your eyes and picture the banging.

Nichole: Huh? Okay. Okay. Yeah. I can add that to my to-do list.

Daniel: I mean, this is just because I want us to be a unified front in our attempt to lure Fran Drescher.

Nichole: Don't say lure Fran drescher.

Laurel: Invite cordially. Invite Fran Drescher to the podcast

Daniel: first, and then

Daniel: I personally would not mind getting an application for the rotation.

Nichole: Oh yeah. Go for it, baby.

Daniel: If she likes younger men, and I know she does. Because she's Fran Drescher of courts.

Daniel: I'm fucking Fran Drescher.

Nichole: You're fucking Fran Drescher.

Laurel: Not yet. But you wish you were. But you're filling out the application, filling out the application. Mm-hmm.

Daniel: To fill out Fran Dresher.

Nichole: Oh God. Well, she's definitely not gonna,

Laurel: we lost her. We

Nichole: lost her. She was interested. Up

Laurel: until that moment, she was picking up the phone to dial our email address.

Daniel: So Fran, if you're listening.

Nichole: We're not members of the Press Corps at all. We're not like official people. We have nothing to do with anything. But we do wanna know more about this rotation of men. Like, I just wanna know, I wanna know how many there are. I wanna know, like, you have the guy that used to once a, like once every two months, but like, who are the dudes in between?

Yeah. You know,

Nichole: like, I, I just wanna know,

Laurel: what hobbies do you share? What kind of TV shows do you guys watch?

Daniel: What's your favorite TV show, Fran?

Daniel: . If you know Fran Drescher, if you know anyone who knows Fran Drescher, get this episode into their hands so that they can pass it to Fran. I. And Fran, write us at poly amateur hour@gmail.com or, or what? Or get in touch with us anonymously

Daniel: poly amateur hour.com. If you would like to pretend that your friend and reach out to us we will play act what do they call it when you do fantasy fiction ,

Laurel: what? What?

Laurel: Okay. I don't know. I think Daniel wants to create Fanfic between us and Fran Drescher, but he wants somebody out there to pretend to be Fran Drescher right to us anonymously. We respond on the podcast and they continue to write to us anonymously through the website,

Daniel: and nobody who's listening will know for sure whether or not it is really Fran Dreher including us.

Daniel: Yeah.

Wow. What a fun game.

Nichole: Is this part of your Dr. Ruth moment?

Daniel: Oh yeah, maybe. He's always looking for a Dr. Ruth moment.

Daniel: I think she was kind of, you know, hot, like like forties and fifties. Dr. Ruth.

Nichole: Yeah. I can only imagine her in her seventies.

Daniel: Was she a Holocaust survivor?

Nichole: I don't know. But she did that. That's hot. She talked about, she was like, don't put, don't fetishize

Laurel: her.

Nichole: Survival your mouth and lick it like a lollipop. Wait, that's not a good German accent.

What?

We're ready.

Daniel: You gotta finish. You gotta finish now.

Daniel: Oh yeah, yeah.

Nichole: Put Steve penis.

Nichole: Oh, I can't do it. All right. Fran Drescher, I guess get in touch with us anonymously or not.

Laurel: Could you imagine Fran Drescher listening to this and actually wanting to talk to us?

No. On

Laurel: what planet? Like, yes, it would be a good idea to reach out to those

Nichole: people. Yeah, because I really feel like I've joined the chuckle fuck brigade. You're in this episode,

Laurel: one of us, one of that's,

Daniel: I mean, you've been getting progressively more chuckle fuck ish as the, uh, the podcast has gone on. I would

Laurel: say chuckle fucky.

Daniel: I thought of Chuckle Fucky is somebody who is getting chuckle fucked.

Daniel: There's a chuckle fucker.

You just got chuckle.

Nichole: Is that what you guys say when you're done?

Daniel: Its now we say it simultaneously and then High five. High five.

Laurel: Oh my god. Wait, this reminds me of when I cl on.

Oh, you fuck her? What?

Laurel: What did

you do? She.

Daniel: It was her, her improvised ruined orgasm play with a Star Trek theme as I was coming. Oh my God. She grabbed my eyes, opened them, and screamed to the heavens that's the way I was on my way to

Laurel: . So I did a warrior yell,

why? What possessed you?

Laurel: I thought it would be

Daniel: funny and I'm kind of noisy, like I'm starting the warrior yell on my own as I approach orgasm. Oh

my God, it was funny.

Daniel: I'm really kind of upset that you did it and now I'm upset that you shared it with Nicole because I feel like this is embolden her to feel as though she.

Daniel: Like I, I, the, the, the all bets are off. She can do whatever the fuck she wants. Now, how can I also destroy Daniel's sense of eroticism for a day or two?

Oh, for a day or two, my first thought was, you're approaching orgasm. And I go, did you take the garbage out?

Daniel: Well, if it's a date night with us, yes. I already have.

Oh.

This is why we need video. Your eyes just got so painful.

Daniel: Alright. Chuckle fuckers.

Laurel: You got chuckle fucked hard when I,

Nichole: alright, what's the next segment? Fran's not coming. Fran is decidedly not coming.

Laurel: Is it time to ask the amateurs?

Daniel: Yeah, I think it is.

Daniel: Our ask the amateurs this week is from Fran.

When will you guys leave me alone please?

Daniel: Please see the restraining order in your inbox.

Laurel: All right. This question is proof that, uh, not everybody, actually, probably most people that listen to our podcast, uh, do not practice ethical non monogamy, um, or polyamory.

Laurel: As someone who has poly friends, I want to support them in the same way I support my mono friends, celebrate their relationships, listen to them vent, all the good stuff we do for friends. But what's different for poly friends? Also, how can I support them in a wider community sense? How can I advocate for recognition, for resources, for normalizing?

Laurel: Is that something that is even needed?

Nichole: Hmm.

Nichole: To the first question, it's interesting because it reminds me of my best friend never asks about my partners.

Laurel: Mm.

Nichole: Because she doesn't know if I'm still seeing them or not.

Laurel: Oh, yeah. And doesn't wanna like bring up Yes. Bad news. Yeah. Yes.

Nichole: Yeah. Um,

Daniel: but she asks about me. I.

Nichole: Yeah. She goes, why are you still with them?

Daniel: I was like, it's very presumptuous.

Laurel: Are you, are you still I haven't bailed. Are you still letting Daniel drag you down?

Nichole: she also just might forget his, their names.

Laurel: Yeah. Yeah.

Nichole: , another friend of mine wants a spreadsheet, , so that he can keep track of all the people and cross out the ones that are no longer,

Daniel: move them to the dead to me column.

Nichole: Yep. Um, Not to say that her motivation for not asking me is not thinking that these relationships are valid, because I don't think that. I guess asking your friend, , about their relationships or, ,

Nichole: Considering their relationships as equally valid across the board.

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: You know what I mean? Like, I think that there's a way that you could approach like, oh, what fun for you to have that stable, to have that rotation to, you know, mm-hmm. Um, and not consider each relationship an actual entity unto itself.

Nichole: Right.

Daniel: first of all, I think that's really good advice for the monos out there to be like, remember that the person has multiple partners ask after the multiple partners. , that's really important.

Daniel: Here's something not to do. Do not reiterate at any given time. Oh, that's great, but I could never do it. Oh, that's great. But it's not for me,

Daniel: right. It feels like there's an assumption there that I'm trying to like lure you into my life of, debas perversion and No, you're not Fran Drescher. Who do you think you are? Fran fucking drescher. Yeah.

Daniel: Like it's no longer acceptable.

Daniel: Most situations when somebody says, I'm gay. For the other person to say, oh, well that's great for you. I could never do it.

Laurel: I

Daniel: could never

Laurel: gay.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: I love that for you though. I support you gay.

Daniel: Yeah,

Laurel: but I just could never,

Daniel: whatever people do in the privacy of their own bedroom. But I hate it when you gaze show up in my bedroom while I'm sleeping and just start humping at the foot of the bed.

Daniel: Rude. So yeah, if you do that, don't do that. If you see other people doing that, maybe politely and kindly indicate that it's not necessary.

Laurel: yeah. You don't have to imagine yourself in my position.

Nichole: One, I'm not gonna just bring it up.

Nichole: Yeah. I'll mention it casually in conversation as far as like, you know, my partner did this, or like my husband's girlfriend. I use that all the time. Um, because I talk about you a lot, Laurel. Um,

Daniel: My husband's girlfriend's a fucking nightmare.

Nichole: She

Laurel: drinks all of our seltzer water.

Daniel: I wake up and she's fucking at the foot of the bed with the other gaze.

Nichole: , I'm not bringing it up in order for somebody to imagine themselves in my position. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, it's not, it's like talking about our jobs. why would I bring up my job? So you could imagine being in my job, I'm not asking you to

Laurel: Yeah, you're just talking about what's going on in your, your, in your life.

Laurel: Yeah. Not inviting someone to experience your life, it's like a large sticking point like you're saying, Daniel. it comes up a lot when talking about like. Queer gay lesbian culture where people are immediately like, oh, you're talking about it. Stop rubbing it in my face.

Laurel: And I see that a lot, around polyamory too. it's like people are polyamorous are always talking about how they're polyamorous and they take that offensively. Mm-hmm. And it's like, you don't realize how much you're talking about how monogamous you are. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Like

Laurel: monogamous people are constantly fucking talking about how monogamous they are by talking about their spouses and their dating life, and their partner and their fiance.

Laurel: Like I am constantly talking about monogamy with monogamous people, but they don't perceive it as that because it's the norm.

Right?

Laurel: Yep. So any mention of polyamory is like, it's not that I'm talking about my relationships, it's not that I'm talking about. What I'm struggling with or the people I love, or just the people I interact with on a regular basis.

Laurel: I'm talking about polyamory people who are polyamorous look at that of like, no, I'm just talking about my life. Mm-hmm. Man. Like, and it's sort of the same thing about like talking about gayness or queerness. It's like, no, I'm just talking about my life. Just like you would talk about your straight life.

Laurel: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Like it just feels uncomfortable to you. You're uncomfortable in some way.

Yeah.

Laurel: And so you assume I'm forcing you to be uncomfortable. Mm-hmm.

Nichole: And I realize like in this conversation, I really fucking love talking about polyamory, you know? So I will with like monogamous people who ask questions. Yeah, yeah. You know, like, that's fucking fun. I love that.

Laurel: And I think that's a really funny thing is, and I don't know if you get this, but like people will approach me trepidatious at first mm-hmm.

Laurel: And be like, is it okay if I ask you about this? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're like, yeah, no. Like obviously we love talking about this shit. That's like the biggest thing, as a monogamous friend, to polyamorous people, is um. It's gonna sound weird, but it's to not stress about it so much.

Laurel: And I think, don't worry about it. Don't worry about it, is my advice to everything. Yeah. But like, like you're saying with your best friend Nicole, like she's worried about bringing up a partner that you're no longer seeing. Mm-hmm. but that's okay. Like, bring it up.

Nichole: Yeah. It is. Okay.

Laurel: Yeah, totally.

Laurel: And people, I know that there are people in my life who are worried about saying the wrong thing. Mm-hmm. And so they say nothing. Mm-hmm. And I would rather honest to God rather you say the quote unquote wrong thing or remember the wrong person's name

Nichole: Yeah.

Laurel: Than say nothing at all because the nothing I.

Laurel: Interpret as complete disinterest in my life. Yes.

Daniel: Even the person at that party who, uh, called you our third

Laurel: even that even, yeah, yeah. You're the third.

Laurel: and like I gave, I gave him a little shit for it.

Laurel: At least he acknowledged whatever he thought. I. Whatever his perception of our relationships with each other was, instead of he made an attempt Yeah. Instead of pretending that it didn't exist.

Daniel: Yeah, yeah.

Laurel: Yes, exactly.

Daniel: I really kind of wished that you, , would've tried to convince him that actually your role in this relationship was of the master of both me and Nicole's and that we had some kind of intense 24 hour BDSM relationship.

Daniel: Did I give you permission to talk to them? The third? No, I am number one.

Daniel: , but this reminds me of another thing that I think is really easy to do mm-hmm. that monogamous people can do to respect non-monogamous people and their relationships when you meet somebody new and you meet partners of the person as you learn about somebody. Don't assume that they're monogamous.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: it's just like assuming pronouns, right? Mm-hmm. Or assuming sexuality or or assuming sexuality. Yeah. try and, , consciously make room in your mind as you encounter and interact with new people for the idea that they are not monogamous.

Laurel: That's a good one. Mm-hmm. A lot of my good friends will ask me like, oh, how are your relationships?

Hmm.

Laurel: It's a way to not have to remember everybody's name. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. It's a way to, invite the conversation if I want to talk or have breakups to talk about or new people to talk about.

Laurel: It just creates opportunity without them having to remember a bazillion details, or worry about like, oh, they're gonna bring up something touchy. Yeah. Or whatever. Um, I also really appreciate, um, when friends are like, oh, if you wanna bring some people or some partners if it's not something where it's like a wedding and they're paying per plate and it's easy to invite more than one plus one. It's a plus fun, plus fun. Oh my God. Bring your fun along. Yeah. Like leave the option open, like, oh, if there's a few partners you wanna bring or don't just assume like that the person that they know the best is the person that would necessarily come along.

Laurel: Mm-hmm. That's a tricky one 'cause it's like, oh, , you know, I have friends that have formed a relationship with Daniel and like know Daniel specifically. But are also still conscious to not just assume that Daniel is gonna be the one to come with me or to show up places.

Laurel: It's still nice when they like ask after you specifically. Mm-hmm. , , but also like, don't ask about you as if you're my only relationship

Nichole: Honestly, I think , it's pretty simple. Yeah. It's a little. Don't worry about it.

Laurel: Yeah. It's one, one part. Don't worry about it.

Nichole: one part. Ask a question. Yeah. Yeah. Like an open-ended question.

Daniel: One part. Remember that it exists. Yeah. One part. Don't become overly fixated on it in a way that's about you and your discomfort about it.

Laurel: Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Daniel: This is a really complex cocktail.

Laurel: Yeah. There's so many parts.

Nichole: I think pretty much with any situation, this isn't specific to like supporting your polyamorous friends, but like just a general sense of curiosity.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. You know,

Nichole: I find that like these days, if I am in like, on a boring date or, um. Fucked at work or whatever.

Daniel: Yeah. You get fucked at work. No,

Nichole: not that. Um, pants. Pants are

Laurel: on the ankles.

Daniel: Sense of urgency, uhhuh in the unisex bathroom.

Nichole: it opens my world a little bit.

Nichole: Mm-hmm. Just trying to cultivate curiosity. I think that that is a worthwhile exercise.

Laurel: Yes. I don't think people realize how touching it is to a friend when you express that kind of curiosity.

Nichole: I don't think they do either.

Laurel: Yeah. Like do, like, I know it can feel, it can feel really goofy as the curious person to be like, ah, fuck, I don't know, stuff.

Laurel: And it feels like this is obvious and I should just know these things, but just like,

Laurel: I think it is really meaningful. It's very meaningful to me. , like every time it happens, I notice it.

Nichole: Yeah. Yeah.

Daniel: you know, I can't speak for all the asshole poly people out there because of.

Daniel: I'm not an asshole, but I think that's where we were supposed

Nichole: to object. Oh, no, no, you're not. No, no, no. Not an na, not an asshole. Uh, yeah.

Daniel: Um, one thing that I don't expect from anybody is to fucking know the nomenclature. Yeah, Know all the politically correct ways to discuss it.

Daniel: It's fine. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe we're a special bunch here, not to speak for all of you. , but I think to one degree or another, we're all pretty firmly anti cancel culture. Like we have, , a sense of generosity of spirit to wherever people are as they approach inclusion.

Daniel: And we're not going to be waiting to chastise you for saying the wrong thing. Yeah.

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: We cannot speak for all poly people. There are some poly people out there waiting to chastise you for saying the wrong thing.

Nichole: I don't even know how I would actually chastise somebody, like I'd have to turn into a completely different person.

Nichole: Like I feel like it would be like. I'd be possessed. Yeah.

Daniel: Mono scum, gue scum.

Laurel: But if you break that up differently, it's like monos scum. Ah,

Nichole: they do apparently.

Daniel: I've heard,

Daniel: but only in one direction.

Laurel: It's always a north, so if you, that's why they spit around in circles so

many times.

Daniel: If you don't have a compass on, you just jerk off a monogamous person.

Daniel: What?

Laurel: How did we get here? What?

This is not my beautiful podcast.

Daniel: Shall we move along home?

Nichole: Yes. are we doing a unicorn hunter, renters?

Daniel: Yes.

Nichole: I need to get my glasses so I can see.

Nichole: unicorn hunter hunters is where we look at profiles of unicorn hunters. What's a unicorn hunter? Typically a heterosexual couple who's looking for a bisexual woman to be whatever they want her to be.

Daniel: Unspeakable things.

Nichole: Um. But basically just like a cardboard cut out of a human being that they can plaster whatever they want on. And

Daniel: we've extended this to also include couples that are looking for men balls. Mm-hmm. Um, men balls. Men balls, mumbles, mumbles. Get your mumbles. So really our definition of unicorn hunters are a couple that only plays together.

Daniel: And you are a guest of theirs.

Nichole: Mm-hmm. we rate these unicorn hunter profiles on three categories, self-aggrandizement,

Daniel: arbitrary rules.

Nichole: And would we, unicorn, sorry, did I step on your line?

Laurel: Oh, it's fine. I was ready just in case, but. If I'm not needed here, that's fine. I can, I can go.

Daniel: Yeah, we're done. Are you done?

Daniel: We're done here. Are you done with me? We all, we all came. You can just, I didn't Exactly.

Daniel: Alright, seat belts ready here to explore and make connections. Looking mainly for single women. Unicorn emoji. Love it when they make it easy for me to spot one. Yeah, looking mainly for single women. Unicorn to play with and make deep connections. Would be cool to make. Some lifelong friends from this as well can teach you Tantra in the bedroom and am in a throuple relationship. Exclamation point. I know. Amazing. Right?

Daniel: I am bisexual as well, so we all have a good time together. This is one of the women's profile first. Okay. Okay. Foursomes are our main thing. However, we also love swapping with sexy couples, looking for singles with whom we can have a friendship with benefits. If all are on board, we want respectful, reliable, and available.

Daniel: Younger, preferred, but we also value experience. They're in their fifties. FYI. Mm-hmm. We aren't looking for quick hookups, but we want to establish a friendship with playtime on the side. PS we mainly play together if the vibe is right. We can also play separate. So again, we've broken our own unicorn hunter hunting rule.

Laurel: Okay. Right off the bat. Sure, sure, sure, sure.

Laurel: okay. And when they say we, they mean all three of us.

Daniel: Yes. But there is an implied hierarchy as we get through all of these.

Laurel: Okay. Okay.

Daniel: Okay. This is our first triptych unicorn hunter hunting. .

Daniel: Excursion.

Daniel: So the order is a little strange. We did the girlfriend first. and now onto the wife. Please don't like my profile if you're not willing to show your face on yours. We're all adults here. It's not that deep. Me. Stay at home. Hot wife, fire emoji. Sweet, sober, bratty, naughty. Fire emoji. Did I mention that hot wife, instead of having an o, has a wedding ring? Oh no, Jim.

Daniel: Girly. Bicep. Emoji.

Nichole: God damn it, with the emojis.

Daniel: Milf, kissy emoji. Size queen, not a breastfeeding emoji.

Daniel: That'd be great. Is there a breastfeeding emoji? No. No, not in this America. Yeah. Go on size queen eight inch plus please. You're always gasping at the science queen. Like,

Nichole: sorry, I just, just seems so arbitrary. Go on. also, like

Laurel: long, like that's a How long do you need it to be?

Laurel: Truly?

Daniel: Yeah. I just need it to be crooked diagonal, like a, or like a thunderbolt shape. I need a bent to the north. Especially if you're monogamous, so I know which way to go. Can you identify this emoji in the size queen category? I think it's a pen.

Nichole: Does she know what size queen means?

Daniel: She likes big pens.

Laurel: I love, I love, uh, I love, uh, someone who is vo ERs burst.

Daniel: Oh, do you

Uhhuh?

Daniel: Yeah. Yeah. Do you, uh, do you honor their pro privacy?

Daniel: No. Maybe it's a marker like, you know how you, you mark the heights of your growing children on the wall. This is to mark the lengths of penises.

Daniel: Um, continuing praise kink, heart emoji, booty worship, peach emoji. Five foot five. Available for hot wife adventures. Fire emoji. Film camera emoji.

Laurel: What does that mean? like I'll have sex with you and we'll document it and then show it to my husband.

Mm-hmm.

Nichole: Is that what that means?

Nichole: Hot wife adventures? Again, that sounds like just going to Bed, bath and Beyond.

Daniel: It's like a really amazing like shower head branded hot wife adventures.

Nichole: Yeah, new from Kohler

Daniel: you guys.

Daniel: You guys, you guys.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: Firefighters and military personnel. To the front of the line, please. Milk lovers and cougar hunters. Welcome alpha males with muscles will have priority 100%. Just here to be a good girl and fulfill all your naughty housewife fantasies.

Okay.

Daniel: Okay. Him six feet. Army guy. Very strong bicep emoji.

Daniel: Magic hands, magic wand, hand emoji.

Nichole: Oh my God.

Daniel: Our girlfriend.

Daniel: Sexy Vixen woman with crown emoji body to die for 100% into BDSM. Voyeurism Exhibition Pro. No. Pro

Daniel: anti provi into BDSM, voyeurism, exhibitionism, and taking a more dominant role. Droll.

Hmm.

Daniel: Us. ENM, swingers, not poly, except with our girlfriend. Pineapple emoji. Stag Vixen. Cupcake. What? Cupcake. C. Cupcake. Cupcake. It's a cupcake, but with a come frosting. Ew. Won. Ew ling essence.

Nichole: Oh my God. Why? You gotta ruin the dark crystal like that. Why you gotta do that?

Daniel: Experienced in the Ls. Is that a abbreviation for a California city that I don't know

Laurel: Experienced in the Ls

Daniel: longshoreman shag. In the, in the light

stroke,

Laurel: In the lesbian sacrifices. No, I won't allow it

Daniel: in the logger snacks. What's a logger snack? Like a bologna sandwich.

Nichole: I'm very curious what it and Googling Ella. Oh, lifestyle.

Daniel: The lifestyle.

Nichole: Fucking spell it out then. Are you fucking kidding me?

Daniel: We should have known from the, uh, definite article, the,

Laurel: yeah,

Daniel: the lifestyle.

Laurel: Oh God.

Daniel: Romantically monogamous, but sexually liberated,

Daniel: drama free cross out emoji with the cross. Then the C de art arte, uh, drama and tragedy mask. Oh my comedy. Comedy and tragedy.

Laurel: Wow. Okay.

Daniel: You, of course there's a you of course.

Laurel: Yeah. What

Daniel: fit attractive naughty bull. What's a bull sound? Not that unicorn.

Daniel: Or couple. Open to solo. Play with respectful couples or join us for MFMF or FFFM. Fire emoji.

Laurel: I'm confused. 'cause like that whole thing was like, like a hot wife advertisement and then, and then it was like, I'll maybe only solo play for couples and

Daniel: Well, hot wife involves the husband of the hot wife, so that's implied that she is bringing her husband. Hot. Wife is like distinct from coupled fantasy in that it's my hot wife and I share her.

Nichole: Oh.

Daniel: Is my understanding.

Nichole: Okay. I really was just imagining somebody cleaning your house. Like I just, I'm an idiot. Alright.

Daniel: And she's got perimenopause, so she's like really warm. That's my milk fantasy.

Nichole: That's your wife in a couple years.

Daniel: Okay. Onto the husband. Can't wait. I, I'm sorry, you guys, this is a, this is a marathon. It really is. All right. Six foot former Army guy. Mm-hmm. I have a hot ass wife.

Laurel: Okay.

Daniel: We're mainly just trying to have fun with a couple or a single woman. She has expressed an interest in very fit men, but we are very selective with that. We are mainly looking for people with similar interests. We are also dating together. Another wonderful woman.

Daniel: She's basically family woman with crown emoji. Man with crown emoji. Another woman with a crown emoji. Okay. Ask a skinny questions. We love answering them. PS we only play together

Nichole: all three of them. Hard to say. Or him. Yeah.

Daniel: comments. What.

Laurel: it's confusing. It's just to figure out the logistics of who is involved here is

Nichole: I'm confused as to who I'm supposed to

Daniel: ask permission.

Nichole: Yeah, yeah. Or unicorn for like, I don't, yeah,

Daniel: all right. You guys ready for photos? Yes. Okay, number one.

Nichole: Okay. Who is this?

Daniel: I believe this is the girlfriend.

Daniel: she's on a leather couch with vinyl boots that are higher than her knees a adult store style, , lingerie top. Holding a heart pillow.

Daniel: Okay. Okay.

Daniel: Here's the girlfriend and the wife together, they look the same.

Nichole: Oh my God. They look the same.

Daniel: Yeah. That's another way to be monogamous is find a third who looks exactly like your wife. Holy

Laurel: shit. So I'm gonna be even more confused about who's showing up to this thing. 'cause I think there's only one woman. There's only one woman, but there's really two of them. And I keep thinking she's like changing her outfit over and over again. What is the husband is

Daniel: confused to,

Daniel: So this one of them together, they're at some kind of space, age party. I don't know that we need to describe. It's like a space

Laurel: cowboy

Daniel: party. Yeah. They're wearing cowboy hats.

Laurel: It's like a space cowboy rave.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: Ill skip to the final and my favorite of the photographs.

Daniel: the husband.

Daniel: Read his t-shirt, read his t-shirt,

Nichole: his t-shirt just says, my wife is hot. The photo is unremarkable. He's just like standing there looking down and she looks like she's entering the room in conversation with like pasties and a see-through top on and some hot shorts,

Laurel: these are

Nichole: some of the laziest photos I have ever. Ever seen.

Daniel: This t-shirt that says my wife is hot. this is his entire identity. It is the first phrase on his profile. I like a good messaging hierarchy. Right. You can absolutely tell what the three most important things about this dude are.

Daniel: Yeah.

Nichole: I'm confused.

Daniel: Like sexually confused.

Nichole: No, decidedly not. Yeah,

Laurel: It's like someone put a picture of Bruce Wayne next to Batman. What? The women convinced

Nichole: me that there are two different people.

Nichole: But you know what's funny? They do the thing that they used to do in, um, TV shows when you had a pair of twins, but you needed to tell them apart. One has straight hair and one has curly hair. They're

both blonde. They both have the same face. They gave one a blowout though. Yeah. Yep, yep.

Daniel: Alright, so

Daniel: what do you think? Self-aggrandizement

Laurel: is the wife hot? Also, I think we're supposed to have feelings about the military. Pride. Yeah.

Daniel: Respect.

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: Fear.

Laurel: I think we're supposed to be horny for it.

Laurel: Yeah. Mm. I think we're supposed to be in awe of it. Yeah.

Daniel: He can do like one armed pushups or shit. Yeah. Thank

Laurel: you for your service.

Daniel: That's what you say. If he makes you come with Con Lingus. But he is probably not.

Laurel: He's definitely not. I didn't get those vibes from anybody,

Nichole: any of those three.

Laurel: I didn't get the vibes that any of the three of them are interested in women

Daniel: except for. The double. She's only interested in a woman who looks exactly like her. It's like looking into a mirror.

Laurel: Oh yeah. Maybe there's that.

Nichole: I mean, there's no end to the bragging about how hot the wife is and the wife saying that she's hot.

Daniel: There's a lot of 100 emojis to indicate the intensity and, , attractiveness of the various members.

Daniel: Yeah,

Laurel: I think

Nichole: I'm like a five or a six. It's not the most bombastic I've ever seen or read.

Daniel: I'm gonna go quite a bit higher. Mm. Because of the ranking in the messaging hierarchy of I have a hot wife and.

Daniel: The, that extending to the wife's identity of I am a hot wife. Like Yeah. All they are all concerned about is the hotness of the wife kind of in a trad wife kind of way, honestly. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Nichole: Yes. Absolutely.

Daniel: I'm going to give them an eight. Firm eight.

Laurel: Hmm. I was gonna say seven. Mostly on vibes.

Daniel: Mm-hmm.

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: they definitely wouldn't ask you any questions. If you were trapped in an

Laurel: elevator with them.

Daniel: I dunno, maybe they're really nice guys.

Laurel: They could be really nice. I'm sure everybody that we make fun of is really nice

Daniel: and we're just destroying their lives one at a time.

Daniel: Okay. Arbitrary

Laurel: rules.

Laurel: I didn't read a lot of rules, I'm confused about who, I am going to meet up with. Who runs

Daniel: the front desk,

Laurel: not just who runs the front desk, but just like, like how many offices are there, who lives here? Like,

Nichole: yeah.

Daniel: I don't think that there are really any arbitrary rules

Laurel: Eight inches, I guess. Eight inches and firemen and military to the front. Yeah.

Laurel: I guess that's it.

Daniel: They're totally inclusive and welcoming.

Nichole: Not no body positive. I don't think so.

Daniel: Uh, I'll give them a six. Yeah, I'll give them a five.

Laurel: I'll give them a four. Because it's consecutive.

Daniel: Countdown to love.

Laurel: Countdown to love. Would you unicorn for them?

Daniel: um, no. I am the opposite of all the things that they are looking for in a man.

Laurel: Yeah. Sometimes we do this and I'm like. Even if I'm like, you're gonna murder me. Sometimes I'm still like, it could be fun for a few minutes.

Laurel: I don't think any part of this is fun for me.

Nichole: No.

Laurel: They seem like boring people. And also they seem more interested in being perceived as these people then they are in actually experiencing another human being.

Nichole: Absolutely. I bet they go out to clubs for sure.

Nichole: Yeah. Um, they roll in together. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And it's all about him peacocking and being like, look, look at us. Look at us.

Daniel: Do you think in order for either of you to join them as a unicorn, that you have to go through some kind of like compulsory single white female makeover to like look like the two?

Daniel: Yes. Yes. Absolutely. Yes,

Laurel: definitely. Um, so no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no,

Daniel: no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no.

Fuck.

Daniel: Their little poly has the, , Stepford wives thing. Ours has compulsory singing.

I want

Daniel: if, if you want a unicorn for us, you're the fucking soprano.

Laurel: Oh fuck.

Daniel: I think that we can, um, end after, um, soprano after soprano. I.

Laurel: I think we should end it here.