Laurel: I'm an agent of chaos.

Laurel: You don't know what or when to expect.

Laurel: So there's the show. Called Pretty gay. Um, and the host, she introduces herself.

Laurel: Then she's like, I'm Catherine, she her, and I identify as, and we'll choose something like, really ridiculous Uhhuh. And I've been thinking about my version of that.

Nichole: Yes.

Laurel: Uhhuh.

Laurel: I'm Laurel she, her, I identify as the Spanish Inquisition because nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition.

Daniel: You are part of the like. The family of things that break through walls. You know you are a Kool-Aid man. You are a Spanish inquisition. You are a schitz malt liquor bowl.

Nichole: Did you break through a wall and I missed it.

Nichole: If there's anybody I know who would either accidentally or purposefully break through a wall, it would be you.

Laurel: Thank you.

Nichole: You're so long

Laurel: up. Um, I have never broken through a wall. Physically,

Laurel: not literally uhhuh. I have metaphorically broken down. So many walls

Daniel: open so many doors.

Laurel: Usually the walls of emotionally repressed young men.

Daniel: Um. Welcome to Poly Amateur. Our,

I'm Laurel. I'm Nicole.

Daniel: I'm Daniel.

Nichole: but before we, I really need to know, did you break down a wall? Did you break, did you. Kick through a wall. Was there a wall accident?

Nichole: I'm guessing not.

Laurel: No, there was not a wall. Alright, well you had me going. There's not a wall accident. Okay.

Laurel: I feel like I have to have one now. Like I need to,

Daniel: When Laurel breaks through walls, it is entirely intentional.

Laurel: I feel like I need to like, incorporate this into our, like cosplay for STLV this year.

Laurel: Like there's just gotta be something where I can break through a wall. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Let's marinate in that and see what we come up with. Not right now. Just like put a, put in your back burner.

Daniel: What if all of our short form social media content is just laurel breaking through membranes of one kind or another?

Laurel: Oh my God, I used to have these. Toys that were basically, cardboard folded into bricks. Mm-hmm. And there were different sizes. And so you could just build like a brick structure. Yeah. Yeah. And now I just wanna get those. And every time we do an Instagram video, I just leap through it and then introduce yourself and then just, yeah.

Laurel: Yeah. And just say the whatever stupid thing I say on the internet. Beg people for questions. Yeah. Punch through the wall, please. Send us your questions. How many times do I have to bust this wall down?

Daniel: Oh my God. I just imagined you, uh, totally. Jack Nicholson in it. Uh, from The Shining.

Laurel: I do have one kitchen knife. So That's the other

Nichole: side. That's Shelly Deval. Wait , You have one kitchen knife?

Nichole: Why do you only have one? I don't know.

Laurel: Oh yeah. He has the ax. You're right. Yeah. Not the kitchen knife. Yeah. Okay. I will order an ax right now.

Nichole: Order a another kitchen knife first.

Nichole: I mean the kitchen knife I have is

Daniel: also a gift. We're all,

Nichole: you didn't break through a wall. You have one kitchen knife. Do I even know you?

Laurel: Setting too many expectations in this episode and just tearing them all down. Alright. What's this segment

Daniel: so sometimes we come up with segments after long, hard brainstorm sessions late at night. On our orgy fig jams sometimes. Sometimes we think of them 20 minutes before we start recording as we are biking over.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Daniel: Today. We'd like to introduce you to a little segment we call Poll in Public Invasion.

Daniel: Poll in Public Invasion of Pro.

Laurel: I'm sorry, what was that?

Daniel: Poll in public. Invasion of privacy, you can't get through it. I'm trying to accurately say an accidental pronunciation and I can't Polly in public invasion of prophecy.

Nichole: That was good. That was good. Was good. Thank you. Yeah.

Daniel: So, in our everyday life, sometimes we're just, going about our usual, compartmentalized, life, you know, trying to fit in with the, monogamous status quo. I'm always like. You are putting my shroud on Uhhuh,

Daniel: your monogamous shroud. Uhhuh being really careful as you walk down the street to just face, do north the entire time. Uhhuh. Mm-hmm. Yep. Just in case. Um, and then once in a while we encounter polyamory in a completely unexpected setting. Or maybe it's just maybe polyamory or maybe it's just something that people think is polyamory, or maybe it's me just looking at three people and being like, polyamory.

Daniel: I was thinking like, , more along the lines of the scene from the naked gun where he sees the big silos and they just look like boobs.

Laurel: Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Daniel: Everything looks like polyamory when your only tool is a. Boob telescope?

Laurel: Yes. So this is just our opportunity to talk about all that bullshit.

Daniel: They can make a little kind of, uh, dateline of news flashes news, a series of monts.

Laurel: Also, Daniel's just been obsessed with being like, Mont Mont all fucking day. Yeah, that's true. And by all day, I mean, the past three minutes that we've been talking about the segment,

Daniel: I'm like, uh, Matt Damon, but with Bone Ma it's from, team America World Police.

Nichole: Uh oh. Never saw it.

Daniel: Yeah. It's not poly. You, you wouldn't like it.

Nichole: All right. So what is poly? Yeah, what was your first, what's your first

Daniel: Omo?

Daniel: This instance of Polly in public invasion of pri comes to us.

See? See, it's hard. Okay? It's a hard word.

Nichole: It's a hard word. It's a

hard word that

Nichole: we made up.

Daniel: It's hard to fuck a word up the same way every single time. You don't have to fuck it up the same way.

Laurel: Make sure you fuck it up. Prosy. That was provocative.

Daniel: Pro. Pro.

Daniel: This instance of poll in public, invasion of Provity comes to us,

Laurel: eh,

Daniel: comes to us from AUB on Instagram.

Laurel: so yeah, it's an advertisement in the New York City subway, , like over the doors of the subway. So just imagine a long advertisement. , And it's an image of like four iPhones just, next to each other. , And it says. One for every member of your poly and poly Q is italicized. Mm mm mm-hmm. Um, and then I was like zooming in on the ad and like, I was like, what is this for? Like, apple didn't put this out. and we just kind talk about it. 'cause some of the other, text, , to the right of the images of the iPhone, it says downgrade now back market. , Like refurbished phones. Yeah. Yeah. And below the one for every member of your poly q , it says in smaller print reintroducing the iPhone twelve, thirteen, fourteen, and 15 refurbished, , downgrade.

Daniel: Now that's brilliant. I mean, I think that they know their audience of the, uh, monogamy in this economy, pollies, trying to, buy their phones in bulk.

Laurel: Yeah. Right? Yes. I, I think it's very funny. Yes.

Daniel: I like the ization of poly, although it's a little bit like the, the people who, , were saying in their unicorn hunter profiles, I'm in a throuple.

Daniel: Isn't that amazing?

Daniel: We don't need to emphasize it quite that much. We know you poll.

Nichole: I mean, I don't know. I, I think it's a great ad and I, but also, I have no idea if they're making fun of polyamory or if somebody on the creative team was like, I know who my people are.

Laurel: I think it's unintentional.

Laurel: 'cause I, I have the feeling that the whole branding for this company that sells refurb stuff their whole thing is Self

Nichole: effacing. Yeah,

Nichole: self effacing. Yeah.

Laurel: Like embrace the downgrade. Yeah. Like fuck all the other stuff that's just telling you to like eat new, new, new, new, new.

Laurel: Yes. Yeah. It's just like, like the unfortunate pairing of polyamory and downgrade. I love it. That's

Daniel: brilliant. So is the insinuation that you can either have one really great partner or like three so-so partners, like are the phones supposed to be representative of your Yeah. Yeah.

Laurel: Your primary partner gets the newest version and each subsequent level down of partners gets like an older model of iPhone each.

Laurel: And that's how you keep them in place?

Yeah,

Laurel: because they're like, I only have one. Front facing camera or back facing camera or whatever.

I only have one camera. Your primary is three.

Nichole: Well, if you work hard enough,

Laurel: maybe one day I'll take her phone away

Nichole: and give it to you. This is

Daniel: what we think of hierarchy.

Daniel: Yeah. This is like a, this is like a phone-based sex cult. Yeah.

Daniel: All right. What's next? so Paul in public. Invasion of pro privacy is a segment that blends observations in media and also just observations in our everyday life where we might just bump into something that's like, oh. Hmm, makes Just say, Hmm.

Laurel: man. I haven't thought of Arsenio Hall in a hot minute.

Daniel: Yeah, you don't think of Fran Drescher either. There's something seriously wrong with you.

Nichole: Seriously, I think about Arsenio Hall all the time. I feel, okay, this is couples privilege. Stop it. It's also Laurel, I think I'm disappointed in you.

Nichole: Oh,

no.

Daniel: If you want the thumbprint phone, you're gonna have to the thumbprint

Nichole: phone beef up on your eighties and nineties references. Yeah. Damn. All right. Go on. Baby. Shows a phone from 10 years ago.

Laurel: Yeah. I'm still, I'm on a flip phone. Daniel has given me a Motorola eraser.

Nichole: I thought I was special. Yeah. According to all of Gen Z, those are the phones to have. Oh, really? Like, oh yeah. Tumblr is full of just like photos of Motorola erasers. Okay.

Daniel: Yeah.

Nichole: how are they posting a Tumblr on their Motorola razor.

Nichole: Oh, they're not. They're taking photos of the Motorola razor with their iPhone. With their actual phone? Yes. Yes. A thousand percent. Oh,

Daniel: it's like a, it's like phone jewelry. It's like an ornamental retro phone.

Nichole: Yes. Yeah. Just know that we lived through a very special time and all, all generations are jealous of us.

Nichole: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Daniel: 2008. Fucking rocked. . So me and Nicole were in a bar and I ordered a drink called the, what was it called?

Daniel: Was it called The threesome? The three-way, the, uh, the love triangle. Mm,

Laurel: mm-hmm.

Daniel: And, , I said, , I'll have the love triangle, and the bartender, uh, made a little sassy glare and head Bob, you know, he did a little shoulder shimmy, and he said, well, I'll be right there. Mm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And then when he returned with the drink a little while later, he was like, here's your threesome.

Daniel: And then later on when he was asking how it is, he said, how is your molecule going?

Daniel: Aw.

Nichole: Yeah, I think he said, how's the throuple?

Nichole: Oh, the last time. And then I made the joke. Well, it's working pretty well for us

Daniel: so this is like Polly ish banter just entering into a conversation with somebody who you have just met, however. there's may have been an invasion of provi going the other way because just a few nights earlier, me and Laurel were at the same bar and I dropped a poly amateur hour card on the check before we left just 'cause I thought that the bartender that night was kind of cute.

Daniel: And so maybe now the entire bar

Laurel: is in our Poly Q.

Daniel: Yeah. Automatically.

Laurel: That's what people don't know about our business cards. Yeah. It's not just an invitation to listen to the podcast, it's an invitation to love.

Nichole: Oh, okay. Alright. I think you're onto something because our business cards have photo of us on the other side.

Nichole: Yeah. And before we ordered our drinks, this bartender was like, were you here the other night with someone else? Did he really say that? Yeah, he did because he was like, I, I, I feel like you were here and like you ordered the same thing.

Nichole: Dirty cheater, but like, maybe he saw the business card and knew who you, because you're like, you're not, you don't blend into the background. people know who you are. Is this

Daniel: about my Jewish nose?

Nichole: God no. No. It's the fact that we were walking down, in your old neighborhood and somebody stopped us and say, Hey, you were the guy who was free styling on that porch in the nineties.

Nichole: Like, people remember you.

Nichole: But now I wonder if he was making all of those suggestive jokes because he knew that we had like a poly. Podcast and he was just like in on it.

Laurel: I think that now we need a new segment that's like, do they know? And it'll just be un unweaving in the most circuitous way possible. Whether or not people know,

Nichole: but you know what I mean? Like I think, I think he might have known. So that answers that question. I think he, I think he Nicole's verdict.

Nichole: I think you knew.

Daniel: I mean, I was wearing a t-shirt that said, ask me if I'm Polly.

Laurel: Ask me about the girl I was with last night.

Laurel: I think he was making overtures for the drink on the drink's behalf to become part of your relationship .

Laurel: if you wanna be featured , on Polly in public invasion of provi. Send us your most provi, your most provi moments

Nichole: but seriously, I want, I want stories. I want stories. Invasion of provi. I want bones to pick. give us the dirty Dets. Please

Daniel: talk dirty to us at Poly Amateur hour@gmail.com or anonymously on our website,

Laurel: or DM us on Instagram.

Laurel: Onward and upward. Wait, can I share my crazy sexy Polly story? Yeah. What's your crazy sexy Polly story? It's cute. Aw.

Daniel: I think it's cute.

Laurel: it's not very long. , But as we've discussed, how long do you need it to be? I know, right? Like, I don't need my cervix punched.

Laurel: So, uh, this last week I went on a first date with, , we'll say my partner's partner. So we had like hung out a few times. Um, and, . We're feeling, feels and curious. So we went on, on an actual one-on-one date with each other, and we did like a cute little picnic in the park.

Laurel: , And she brought , , some cherry, Coca-Cola and some gummy worms for me.

Oh.

Laurel: And they were obviously, like for me, it's funny because the, I think earlier that week I had gone on a date with her partner. , And I had spent some part of the date talking about how much I like Coca-Cola,

Laurel: Uhhuh and also, and, Sherry Cola specifically. Um, and so I was like, oh. I think our mutual partner maybe like, gave you some hot tips. I also is a known fact amongst most of my partners that I just really like sugar and sweet things, and every podcast listener, um, I like candy.

Laurel: So it was really sweet that she brought me some, researched, tailored, mm-hmm. Gifts. And I messaged both of them, , and I was like, oh, can I tell this story on the pod? 'cause it's like really cute. 'cause I'm assuming, mutual partner that you gave the hot tips, and, , it gets cuter.

Laurel: 'cause he responded and he was like, oh yeah, I'm totally okay with you telling that story and giving me credit even though I don't deserve credit. Because actually your other partner Derek told her

Oh.

Nichole: Oh, nice.

Daniel: I mean, it's nice to be known and seen. Wasn't I just saying I think it's cute that you're an old fashioned soda pop girl.

Laurel: Uh, yeah. I feel like I've just been talking a lot about soda lately, and maybe it's because of Nicole's like emergence into the Diet Coke world. I know. And so it's just been on the mind. I know it's a problem. I know But anyways, it was just like a cute, sweet thing

Nichole: that's

Laurel: very cute and very sweet, right? Like yeah, like when you have that poly Q interconnection, it can feel like an overwhelming like pressy kind of thing, or it can be like a really sweet thing where everybody is just kind of like looking out for, everybody's like,

Nichole: yeah,

Laurel: like connection and happiness and diabetes and diabetes.

Laurel: May, oh, is everyone trying to kill me off? Am I being written off

next season?

Nichole: What's happening? And all three of those people are vying for your spot.

Nichole: All right. Should we, how long have we been recording?

Laurel: Well, we could just do the question

Daniel: if we're only gonna do one segment, I'd kind of rather do unicorn hunter hunters.

Daniel: But

Laurel: why do you hate this question so much?

Nichole: Yeah. Why do you hate this question? Let's talk about that.

Daniel: You wanna know, you wanna know why I hit this question?

Laurel: Yeah. Yeah.

Daniel: 'Cause it was texted

Daniel: in a series of texts, and then I had to reconstitute it into one unified question. It's a Franken question.

Daniel: The question for

Nichole: our segment. Ask the amateurs.

Daniel: hello poly amateur. I'm in kind of an awkward position. Historically. I've practiced kitchen table, but one of my partners is practicing parallel.

Daniel: I. In part, I think because his nesting partner does not want to interact with me at all when I'm at their house, she even asks that we stay downstairs. If she's there at the same time, she just stays up in her room. So how do you handle a situation in which one side of a molecule prefers parallel, poly and the other prefers kitchen table?

Laurel: Huh. What a pickle.

Nichole: I know that I. Do it poorly. Yeah. Yeah. I hand I don't handle it. Great. Haven't had the experience of like, the extremity of the nesting partner is in the same house and doesn't wanna look at me.

Nichole: . But I do have, I mean, I have the experience of a partner's partner straight up not wanting to know who I am. Mm-hmm. Not wanting to hear about me at all. And, uh,

Laurel: that

Nichole: sucks.

Laurel: well it would definitely limit the amount of like, enmeshment that I could have with that like parallel. Partner, but I think it would ultimately limit my ability to connect with them. Mm-hmm. At a certain point.

Laurel: I have tried to like ask myself this question 'cause like sure people have the right to practice parallel poly, if that's what they wanna do. It's definitely not what I want. Mm-hmm. I think if it were a friend with benefits or like a hookup buddy, like I still think there would only be so long that I would be comfortable going to their house.

Laurel: Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Laurel: At some point, the, like NRE or the excitement of mm-hmm. Of new sexual novelty would fade and then it would be overwritten with this discomfort of knowing that there is someone else present who doesn't want to acknowledge I exist. Yeah. Yeah.

Nichole: I mean, this person that I'm with, , they don't have a nesting partner.

Nichole: Yeah. And so like, it's not quite the same situation. If it changed though, and this person did become a nesting partner. I, I, I would 86 myself because like Yeah, yeah. it just Yeah. Would not feel good. And it doesn't feel good.

Laurel: Yeah. Yeah. There is definitely a difference between a solo poly person practicing parallel poly mm-hmm. Where they live alone have their own space., And a difference between someone who's nested with a, a partner practicing parallel poly, then there's explicit hierarchy, built into the parallel poly Yeah. Of you not being able. To be in their space at particular times, or not being able to be in particular parts of their space.

Laurel: Mm-hmm. And then having to disappear like entirely when you leave that space, if you're even allowed in it.

Nichole: Yeah. I guess. Yeah. And you're absolutely right. It would limit the progression of that relationship, right. Because that wouldn't be somebody that would want around a lot. Right.

Nichole: And that I wouldn't waste the time to invite into my life because it wouldn't be it, it wouldn't be an equal exchange of energy

Daniel: at all.

Daniel: Yeah, because I think that this says. A lot about the partner themselves too.

Daniel: Yes. Not just the Metamore, right? Look at how your partner is also seeding this control of his life and control over your relationship with him. , there's a whole chunk of his life, including his domicile that is like controlled by a force that is external to you that you can have no contact with and no real interaction with.

Daniel: It's very

Nichole: creepy when you describe it like that. Yeah. I,

Daniel: I felt like. This was really creepy. Like, if I was in this situation, I would feel like it was, I was a little bit haunted by the ghost spirit of the metamor trying to just go about my business, doing it with my partner or something. And they're, , diaphanous specter just kind of rises up at the edge of the bed. like, or you

Nichole: hear them walking above you, like in the upstairs bedroom

Daniel: they're having a cell phone conversation.

Daniel: So their voice is just muttering in your ear.

Laurel: Yeah. Coming, coming through the ventilation system. Just the Echo of voices. Oh, no.

Daniel: Haunted by Metamours.

Nichole: Yeah. I, agree. It says a lot about, in this case, the hinge partner, right? Yeah. And as we have talked about with many other questions, you don't have a ton of control over that person's choices or actions.

Nichole: You can state what it is that you want or you can, , put up your own boundaries. But that person's gonna make those choices. I don't wanna fall into the trap. The Reddit trap of every hinge is bad and your hinge is bad, and you should dump him right now.

Nichole: But yeah, you know.

Daniel: But come on. Like, when we all heard this question initially, weren't we a little bit like a chorus of, you know, get the fuck out?

Yeah.

Laurel: Like, here's the thing, like if I, if there is somebody I'm dating and they're like, my preference is for parallel poly,

Laurel: like there is only a degree to which I'm willing to step into that relationship then, if I'm in a relationship with somebody , or I am dating somebody who is like.

Laurel: Oh yeah. Like I'm, I'm down for whatever, but my nesting partner doesn't want anything to do with you and know that you exist. Woof. that to me is a question of integrity. Mm-hmm. And at that point, I'm like, you don't have any, and we shouldn't date each other.

Daniel: I love the idea of you just saying this very politely. You know, it seems like maybe, maybe you're just not a great partner for me because you have no integrity,

Nichole: or maybe I'm just not the right partner for you. 'cause I have integrity, because I have so much integrity.

Daniel: This is really fueling my ghost theory still in that . You think that you are not having contact with the partner, right? Where it's the opposite of kitchen table, like there is no interaction and no space made, but you're actually like decidedly pointedly interacting with the absence and silence mm-hmm.

Daniel: Of the person. Like that takes up a seat at the kitchen table.

Laurel: But the act of this like primary couple, like the partner and his nesting partner in that situation. Like that's the act of her imposing the absence of her on this other partner and all of his other partners while not having to do the same.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: Because the stupid in this situation is the one that has to be constantly reminded that your presence isn't actually welcome here. Yeah. Mm-hmm. While this person is snacking and chatting upstairs,

Daniel: they was gonna write a satire of this. They would keep the partner in the mud room, like something that was like slightly inside, slightly outside, like you, you like on the stoop, but the covered part of the stoop.

Daniel: Like, you know, just outside of the rain. But maybe if there's a gust, you know, you're gonna get a little,

Nichole: it's a well to do couple with a mudroom. Right.

Laurel: You know, they don't have to downgrade their iPhones fucking well. Yeah. Fucking tracks,

Daniel: right?

Laurel: Because they're not into poly ues.

Laurel: I'm trying to look for like a more generous interpretation of this that isn't just like, fuck parallel, poly. But

Nichole: I mean, the question is like, what would, what do you do? Right. Yeah. And like I, I think the answer is you gotta make some tough choices.

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: Okay, yes, I enjoy kitchen table I prefer it, and I have varying degrees of my relationships.

Nichole: Mm-hmm. Right? Yeah. So maybe it's totally cool if you want this person to just be a friends with benefits. Yeah. And that's fine. And, and you think maybe someday you think the ghost of the wife is funny. Like, like it's a funny story to tell. Yeah. Yeah. , But if there's anything deeper that you're looking for with this person, it's just not going to happen.

Nichole: Yeah. Or you'll try for it and then you will be sad.

Daniel: Yeah. Oh my God. Is this the dude from Jane Eyre? I.

Nichole: I was expecting you to make a Jane e joke like nine minutes ago. I was, I'm sorry. I'm a little

Daniel: slow today and I'm, I'm just not in character. You know,

Daniel: you guys gotta, you guys gotta just give me a little, like a nudge, nudge. Jane Hair. Daniel, Daniel, Daniel, Victorian fiction.

Nichole: Daniel, we haven't mentioned it at all. This episode, we're

Laurel: really letting the people down.

Nichole: Did we answer the question?

Daniel: Yeah. Get the fuck out. Like, like, get the fuck out. Run. Like it's a fucking horror movie.

Daniel: You know, the house is, the house is haunted,

Laurel: or

Daniel: don't,

Laurel: or, or just acknowledge the limitations of what this person has to offer you and decide on your own boundaries around that.

Daniel: All right. Alright, guys. I, I am for like running before all the doors start shutting on their own,

Nichole: Yeah.

Nichole: That's fair. I understand that. I understand that.

Daniel: Yeah. But you guys, good luck. Good luck with your, uh, good luck with your Victorian Jane

Laurel: Air House. If you hear Daniel's voice just like getting quieter as the episode goes on, it's because he is already running down the block.

Daniel: I mean, the sex would've to be really fucking good.

Nichole: What if it is? Yeah, it might be. What if it is really fucking good? All

Daniel: right. How good would the sex have to be to keep you fucking in an actual haunted house?

Laurel: Oh, God. Oh, in an actual haunted house that's different. I think I would be distracted. I would just be so scared that it couldn't be good enough to keep me there.

Laurel: 'cause I would, I wouldn't be focused on what was happening. The

Nichole: largest sex organ is the brain. And if you are not focused and you're distracted by goats, goat,

Daniel: I mean, you're sitting there and you, you, you get haunted by goats. It's an incredible invasion of provity.

Daniel: Shall we move along home?

Nichole: What's up

Daniel: next? Unicorn hunter Hunters. I feel like you have a special gasp for unicorn hunter hunters. Is it still your favorite segment? I remember early on you shared a moment of, earnest thanksgiving between us, where you were like, I just love this segment so much because it allows me to be my worst self.

Laurel: Yeah, it allows me to embrace my shadow self and, my therapist says I need to love my shadow more. That's not true. We don't talk about. Shadows.

Daniel: Do you talk about the podcast?

Laurel: I do. I actually talk about the podcast a lot. 'cause he's like, what are you looking forward to? He keeps trying to remind me that there's good things in life.

Laurel: What are you looking forward to? Like, okay, if you weren't doing this, like what would you be spending your time on? And I'm always like the podcast. The podcast. The podcast

Daniel: is, do you just say that because it's where you get your pixie sticks. Because we keep,

Laurel: because you keep, it's the candy. It's the candy.

Laurel: The candy, the candy. No, it's 'cause I really like it and it's fun and fulfilling. Mm-hmm.

Daniel: Especially the part where we're mean,

Laurel: especially the part where we're mean. Yeah, you're ready to be mean. Let's do it. Alright.

Daniel: Okay. Unicorn hunter hunters is the segment where we look at the profiles of unicorn hunters on the internet and rate them on three important categories.

Laurel: Number one, self aggrandizement number. Did I say it weird? Yeah. Number one. Number one, self-aggrandizement. Nice. Mm-hmm. Number two, arbitrary rules. And number three, would we unicorn for them?

Nichole: So today I brought in profiles. Nicole, deliver. I did. I did. All right. So here is the, the man's. The man's, the man's.

Daniel: Show us the mans.

Nichole: One half of an extraordinary duo, tall, articulate, and intensely curious. I'm a six four athletic and well endowed professional with a global life and a sensual appetite. Passionate hedonist and sensual dom with switch tendencies.

Nichole: I'm married to the love of my life. 10 plus years of deep connection, electric chemistry, and shared adventures. She's a stunning five eight exhibitionist with an intoxicating presence and an enviable talent for turning heads and stirring hearts. Together we're magnetic, mischievous, and insatiably Curious.

Sorry,

Nichole: All right. We're looking for equally radiant souls. Fit, flirtatious and turned on by pleasure, intelligence, and aesthetics.

Daniel: It's good to be turned on by pleasure.

Nichole: Open to delicious connections with individuals. FMF or MFM, who are drawn to shared adoration, voyeuristic thrills, or playing with polarity. If

you're a what, what, what?

Laurel: Playing with polarity, it's like, it's a weird magnet thing.

Laurel: Are they ICP fans? That would surprise me. Um,

Daniel: Are they trying to explore the polar region?

Nichole: Your butt?

Clip: Engage!

Nichole: If you are a unicorn with a wild streak or a confident man who gets the art of seduction, but not into cook or bull rolls, we should talk. Couples who crave chemistry, sensual foreplay, and lingerie fueled teasing.

Nichole: We love power play watching and being watched and letting connection dictate the dynamic. We are both switches who thrive on exploration. Our kinks are playful, our energy is generous, and our curiosity is boundless. Sorry, that's the third time they've mentioned curiosity.

Laurel: I mean, obviously we're all fans of curiosity here.

Laurel: Like we've brought it up several times and just like having good first dates mm-hmm. And whatnot. Mm-hmm. But

Daniel: like, what are they getting at? I mean, in the context of a unicorn hunter profile, I just imagine like a little doctor's headlamp, they wanna do a, that exploratory what?

Nichole: Your vagina? Yeah. They're intensely curious. They're insatiably curious and they're looking for people whose curiosity is boundless.

Daniel: There's a great imbalance in the force here, , with adjectives over nouns. These people like, got. , A Reader's Digest version of the Thesaurus and yes,

Laurel: they got some word a day toilet paper.

Laurel: I took creative writing in college.

Laurel: It was an

Daniel: elective. What if, what if this, , unicorn hunter's date is just them subjecting you to work shopping your fucking poetry. Oh my God.

Nichole: Alright. , Bonus points if you love strip clubs. Let's meet for a drink and let the vibe unfold. Intelligence turns us on. So do boundaries. Beauty and safety.

Nichole: Current SEI panels required we only play as a couple home base, redacted playground,

Laurel: global. When I hear people in profiles say boundaries are I important or boundaries are a turn on or whatever. What I hear is our boundaries are important. Our boundaries are a turn on.

Laurel: Yeah. Mm-hmm. I never get the impression that they're like, Ooh, tell me what your boundaries are.

Nichole: No, God no. They just sound exhausting. Like, oh, you're exhausted now. We haven't even gotten to the second profile. Ooh, I can't wait

Laurel: to be more tired. you know, That's the other thing I talk about in therapy is just how tired I am all the time.

Laurel: Maybe it is the unicorns, the hunter, the unicorns hunt towards, maybe it's, maybe it's the unicorn hunters that are exhausting me. Yeah.

Daniel: Doing so much work, finding unicorn hunters?

Laurel: No. Just we read one a week and my head is just spinning it's like ghosts, just like insatiably curious or magnetic connection.

Nichole: Play with polarity.

Laurel: Play with my polarities. all right. Ready? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. This is this other half of the dynamic duo, feminine, sexy, and classy. Do lingerie offic. Not afraid to be a ridiculous or perform well traveled and have an affinity for pretty things like lace and perfume.

Daniel: There's nothing wrong with that.

Nichole: I'm five eight, so give me a five inch stiletto any day. Can present as a service switch or a pillow princess, sex kitten, who will deeply enjoy writhing in your embrace.

Nichole: Praise kink can return the favor if you like, play with me and tell me I'm beautiful, single men. I'll Beit relentless. Please be interesting. Read my husband's profile, real talk. 4,000 plus of you in my likes. Partial to skinny, sexy hotties. F Sorry. They should just put F to me in parentheses. Um,

Nichole: she means

Daniel: she means females. Yes. Hooman

Nichole: partial to skinny, sexy Hotties. Wanting to play solo with me and or help me give my man or our men Too much pleasure to handle. Open to girls who only want to spoil my man. We play together. No solo play with men. Be too hygienic.

Daniel: This is another one with the, uh, Silkwood shower that you were talking about, right?

Daniel: Yeah. I

Laurel: wanna see your skin flaking off 'cause you're so dehydrated from scrubbing yourself

Nichole: raw. He's six four and has the manhood to please. Beautiful hardware.

Beautiful hardware.

Daniel: He's got just a sink spigot in place of his penis. He's bent straight down and you just, you toggle the balls on either side.

Daniel: Oh God, hot or cold

Nichole: Have had the most fulfilling sex life since the moment we met. They fucked the moment. They met joyfully. Married for over 10 years. Absolute gentleman, kinky, erotic and sensual test. Often no exceptions about health nor safety at all.

Nichole: Genuinely looking to connect with other happy people who desire to reciprocate attention and chemistry here for friends in the community too. Sexual, open-minded and curious, safety, honesty, and respect. Always. All for bodily autonomy and human rights. Let's see if we share interests. No pressure if we don't.

Nichole: PSA to Trumpers. Absolutely not. You will not like me and cannot touch me. I mean, I agree with that, but I.

Daniel: Now the anti-Trump thing is actually a little surprising because I feel like this profile is part of this, growingly visual genre of wives that we've been seeing in these unicorn hunter profiles, which seemed to be just like fetishizing a kind of a trad wife role that is like, all about serving the man.

Daniel: Like it's like a little bit of patriarchy, fetishism or something. Like patri, petrolia

Laurel: petrolia. like field is so weird 'cause people just go deep into their kinks so quickly. Yeah. And like. It's confusing. 'cause kink without the context of the human being can be totally different things like I'm not interested in male doms that actually think that they're like alpha males.

Laurel: Mm-hmm. IRL, , some people are obviously like very willing to just jump into that dynamic regardless of what it actually means to the people practicing it.

Laurel: But like, I cannot separate those two things,

Daniel: like even more so than just kink being forward, if we're like talking about the messaging hierarchy of this thing. Mm-hmm. It is literally everything before. Personality or interest or who they are. It is their bodies. Yeah. It is their intelligence. Again, it's not about what they're interested in or what they know about.

Daniel: It's just about power. It's about wealth, it's about, um, girth, wealth and girth. Those are the two measurements that like they're all about. And the things that are like erotic to them are things that like, have been served up to them by capitalism. they're like in the movie Idiocracy, where he is like, I like sex. I like money, like lingerie. Are you into lingerie? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Laurel: you know,

Laurel: Maybe underneath all of it, they're just deeply interesting people with their wealth of curiosity. They must have like absorbed so much about the world and just understand things on just like a really holistic, um, but also humble level.

Laurel: but mostly I just get vapid vibes.

Nichole: Also it Squi me out when it's always like clean, clean and safety, right. Like the STI panel thing.

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: Is like, it's smacks of supremacy to me. Yeah. Because it's like we won't touch you because you're dirty. Yes. Right? Yes. and that is

Laurel: gross, you know.

Laurel: I think you're actually like hitting on something that wasn't as apparent to me. But I think very much flavors, my opinion of, of a lot of these profiles is that they present themselves as like this is an acceptable way to be like crazy, flirty, whatever. It's like acceptable because we are in such a loving connective

mm-hmm.

Laurel: Uh, whole perfect relationship and we dabble in these kind of freaky things if you're clean and meet like a very particular criteria and you know, you know that they have very strong judgment about anybody outside

mm-hmm.

Laurel: Of that criteria and that those people are probably gross and bad.

Nichole: And you know, there's 4,000 men knocking down her door, so she's gotta weed out the weirdos.

Nichole: Oh my God.

Daniel: I imagine them like just rith, mass of zombies in one of those modern zombie films where it's really just a class metaphor, you know? Yeah, yeah.

Laurel: Oh my God. Yeah. I just like, I also cannot, there is a way to talk about yourself and profiles that aren't like, I am so fucking hot and worldly and smart without displaying. It's like, show don't tell.

Yeah.

Laurel: Yeah. But it's all tell and I don't

Nichole: believe any of it. Yeah. Like who is supposed to be impressed by this and who actually swipes right on your profile? Oh, I mean, apparently again, apparently 1,004,

Laurel: 4,000 single men do. Single men

Nichole: are into her. But all of it is a turnoff for me.

Nichole: All of it.

Laurel: What part turned you on, Daniel? Um, is it the

Daniel: pleasure?

Daniel: I think the reason why it sounds vapid and why it sounds hollow, I. Is because you can say that you are smart and interesting and curious as much as you want, but until you actually show details, you know, like when you say show, don't tell.

Daniel: Yeah. Like I, I was thinking about my profile, right? I mean, it's not like, you know, work of art or anything, but I speak about specific things that I am interested in, that I am talented at or good at. , And it's not like massages or dawning, you know, like, you know, like I mentioned playing the piano. I mention writing stories, I mentioned things that actually can ground you in the things that make me smart or interesting or, sensual are Yeah, yeah. Rather than just fucking, adjective, adjective, adjective.

Laurel: Yeah. Also, for people who list curiosity 18 times in their profile, never once. Is it like, connect.

Laurel: We'd love to learn more about you.

Nichole: Oh, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no. You need to have curiosity about me so that I can talk about myself to say your. Insatiable curiosity.

Daniel: Oh my God. What, what do you think This was written by chat, GPT with an insufficient prompt.

Nichole: These are the kinds of people who would use chat GPT to write their profile.

Laurel: It is like when you're like, write a profile for someone who is smart and hot and interesting. and then you just keep clicking.

Laurel: Make it longer. Make it longer, right. Yeah. I think

Nichole: you're right.

Laurel: I think you're right.

Nichole: Yeah.

Laurel: The robots, it's not the subsegment. It's a cult. It's a subsegment. It's ai.

Daniel: is it a ghost, a cult, or ai? That's the, that's the last question that we always have to ask.

Daniel: I feel like these people have walls that are just covered with portraits of themselves together.

Laurel: Oh yeah. Yes. That are like, like risque. Yes, yes. Yeah. And perhaps

Daniel: oil painted.

Laurel: There's one oil painted, one like over the mantle, but also there's a bunch of photography. It's not like particularly great photography. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, but it's all black and white, but it's all black and white. And they did it at the beach.

Nichole: And they have at least one like Warhol knockoff Oh, yeah. Of them. It's just their faces on Campbell Soup

Daniel: camp just reproduced over and over again.

Daniel: Yes. They've got like a step and repeat wall of themselves. Yep.

Nichole: But it get, it gets slowly, gets more and more marred toward the body. Oh boy. Let me show you their photos. Oh yeah. There's not that many. I only, there were only two of them that were interesting. One for each.

Daniel: Well, we know why you selected them. He's on a boat. He's on a boat. He's on

Nichole: a boat, just staring off into the distance. He's not driving the boat. He's just a passenger on the boat.

Daniel: You don't really see his face. So maybe that's somebody else, like maybe you got a stalk boat, photo,

Nichole: maybe

Daniel: bald

Laurel: guy from behind

Nichole: on a boat.

Daniel: He knows my type.

Nichole: Um, he looks very pushable in this photo.

Laurel: Yeah. Maybe we could enter into a talented Mr. Ripley kind of Exactly.

Daniel: Situation. Alright. So we rate them on these three categories and then decide what would be the perfect murder

Nichole: and we record it.

Nichole: This is the lingerie aficionado. Oh, nice. Okay. It's just her legs just. Legs

Laurel: and some lacy tights.

Nichole: And some Kneehigh

Daniel: boots and boots. Don't really matter who's inside the lingerie.

Nichole: Okay. So we rate them on three categories. So first self-aggrandizement.

Daniel: I'm thinking relatively high.

Laurel: Mm-hmm. Oh, I'm thinking very high.

Daniel: Yeah.

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: This is hovering in the nines, I think. I think, well, I, I'll just commit nine.

Nichole: Nine. I was gonna say nine too. Likewise. Especially because of the boat photo.

Laurel: Yeah,

Nichole: yeah,

Nichole: Nines perfect. Nines. Yeah. They thrive on being perfect tens, so this is just knocking 'em down a peg.

Nichole: Um, okay. Arbitrary rules.

Daniel: So you've got the skinny,

Laurel: Yeah. Skinny fit. Does she ask for

Daniel: tall too? For the,

Nichole: no, she just asks men to be interesting.

Daniel: She's like, I need my women skinny and my men. Interesting.

Nichole: Yeah. Skinny, sexy, hotties.

Daniel: Uh, yeah. That's especially gross coming from a woman.

Nichole: Yeah. Really is.

Daniel: Yeah. 'cause it's like, who programmed you?

Nichole: Yeah. Ugh.

Laurel: All right. It's yucky, but I'm at like a four for rules.

Nichole: Yeah. Yeah. A five.

Daniel: I'll do a six to make it

Nichole: sequential.

Laurel: there Is the clean thing too.

Nichole: Yes. Oh yeah. Gotta be clean.

Daniel: What did they say? Be too hygienic.

Nichole: Too hygienic.

Laurel: once you cross the threshold into too hygienic, you are just unhygienic in a different way.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: You went so far past hygienic, you went,

Laurel: so you went so far, you don't have a microbiome anymore and then you aren't human. 'cause what is being human, but just a bunch of bacteria.

Daniel: Mm-hmm. My type is stainless steel.

Laurel: Would we unicorn for them?

Daniel: No, no.

Nichole: Ne yay. This one didn't have any horses in it. I don't know what you got. And you just set off the dogs

Nichole: Way to go. Sorry. I didn't know

Daniel: if there's no horses, our dogs are not interested.

Laurel: you know.

Laurel: We haven't heard from Fran Drescher yet.

Daniel: Oh, that's true. That's sad. We haven't aired the episode yet.

Nichole: Good point.

Nichole: You just expect her to just like pick up on it.

Laurel: Yeah. It's like the Jew tingle, but the Fran tingle.

Daniel: Well, we are projecting the Jew tingle out there into the world.

Laurel: Yeah. Yeah.

Daniel: And she is the ultimate collector of

Laurel: her Jew sense is particularly strong, especially when it's coupled with attraction to her.

Daniel: Oh yeah. She's a super Jew. Yeah. Is there such a thing? There is such a thing, right? Like, you know what I mean? As soon as I say Super Jew. Okay. All right. Gilbert Godfried, super Jew.

Nichole: Albert Brooks,

Daniel: super Jew.

Nichole: Uh, Mel Brooks. Yeah.

Daniel: Super Jew. Um, I, Brooks Brothers

Daniel: dresses the Super Jews world,

Daniel: , Streams and Brooks not Jewish.

Laurel: What is Streams and Brooks? Just

Daniel: like nature.

Nichole: Oh,