Laurel: I'm having one of those days where everything feels dirty.

Nichole: Dirty sexual or dirty Grimy.

Laurel: Dirty grimy.

Daniel: Please list dirty things. ,

Laurel: Everything

Laurel: in my house.

Daniel: Oh,

Daniel: well

Daniel: that is dirty. Probably.

Nichole: Your hair looks clean.

Laurel: Thanks. I took a shower 'cause I felt really dirty. .

Nichole: Do you want Zach's phone number? To come clean your house?

Laurel: If I can work both jobs for a month, then yeah. Maybe he's so affordable. Yeah. Okay. Gimme Z. Yeah. Okay.

Daniel: Yeah, you can pay him in a peanut m and msms, you can take that gigantic bag that I have.

Daniel: My company rewarded us by sending me a giant fuck off bag of peanut m and ms, ,

Nichole: okay. But didn't they frame it as like, this is your pinata.

Nichole: Or something.

Daniel: Yeah. Like the people who were remote, they just sent us candy through DoorDash or whatever. But if you work in the office, they Give high performers pinatas. Okay. I believe most of them are empty pinatas and they just hang over their fucking desk. Ew. It's like a pinata of no satisfaction.

Daniel: Wait, you

Laurel: don't even get to hit something.

Daniel: No,

Laurel: That's fucked up.

Daniel: I know.

Nichole: Here's a cardboard borough decorated with crepe paper.

Daniel: Here's, here's some candy. Blue balls for you. Yeah.

Nichole: Wow. Wow.

Daniel: Yeah. This would drive Laurel completely insane. Just, the idea of candy hanging over her head.

Daniel: It's

Nichole: literally an empty gesture.

Daniel: Oh,

Laurel: welcome to Poly Amateur Hour.

Daniel: I'm Daniel.

Laurel: I'm Nicole. And I'm Laurel, and I'm trying new deodorant today. Oh.

Nichole: You really are feeling grimy today.

Laurel: Yeah, for listeners at home, I do have a primary nesting partner. Her name is Zoe. If I'm not staying the night at your house, it's because I'm worried what Zoe might think about it.

Laurel: If I canceled plans it's probably 'cause Zoe's kind of feeling a little yucky. Do we need to clarify

Nichole: who Zoe

Laurel: is? Zoe's my dog. Okay. Zoe's my dog.

Laurel: I had a date yesterday and, Zoe is typically pretty reactive to strangers coming to the house.

Laurel: Mm-hmm. , And, this new date that I had over Zoe's been surprisingly not super reactive toward her, but then right before we were gonna leave and , go back over to her place, Zoe massively threw up everywhere.

Laurel: Oh. I thought it was like, oh, she just threw up on the ground a little bit. Fine. And then I like lifted up my pillow on my bed. Oh God. And there was a whole nother, and not only did she, it was on top of my copy of Entwined, which is a book about polyamory that I've been really excited about

reading.

Wow. My God. Alright,

Daniel: so, zoe wasn't letting you know how she felt with the usual barking. Right. She was just like, I'm gonna just hold it all in and just barf all at once. Yes. This is my object lesson.

Laurel: Yes. Yeah. Yeah. She is stopped using her words because she doesn't, she knows I don't like it

Daniel: when she uses her words. And two, is she like growing opposable thumbs now she's like able to hide, vomit. I know. Under miscellaneous objects. This is advanced. This is advanced dog vomit. Sabotage, yeah. Behavior.

Nichole: The number of times we have told stories on this podcast about.

Nichole: Bodily functions of Zoe. Like, it's true. She, she fucked up my last vacation because she had a big to do. It's a podcast within a podcast.

Daniel: Oh my God. Oh my God. Do I need a theme? No,

Nichole: Speaking of dates, so great that you got to go on one.

Nichole: Why Nicole? I've just got a bone to pick. Nice.

Nichole: I guess I am just perplexed and flummoxed and. I just don't understand why it's so hard to nail down plans. Mm.

Mm-hmm.

Nichole: , I just have had, quite a few experiences of someone like Hot and Heavy texting me a lot and like saying, Hey, we should meet up.

Nichole: And the second that I say, yeah, where and when it's like pulling teeth trying to get actual fucking plans.

Mm-hmm.

Nichole: And like right now, you know, it was supposed to go on a date last night. Mm-hmm. And I heard from the guy at 2:00 PM like, oh, I have a show that I forgot that I have to go to.

Nichole: And it had already taken three weeks just to get this date nailed down.

Oof.

Nichole: And so he is like, are you available tomorrow? I was like uh, not until like nine. Maybe and then nothing I have not heard Dick and then there's, there are people that like, we like make a plan and then 20 minutes beforehand it's like, oh, this thing happened.

Nichole: I can't do it. And I'm like, cool, do you wanna reschedule? And like, nothing. there is. Quite a high possibility of sex at the end of this rainbow. Yeah. What, what is preventing people from like making the leap and following the yellow brick road?

Nichole: I don't understand.

Daniel: Have you tried a motivational pinata?

Daniel: You could just use that language. I mean, That felt pretty motivational to me. There is sex at the end of this rainbow leprechaun little man. Wait, you want this pot of gold?

Laurel: I mean, I would show up just for the Lucky Charms.

Nichole: I just, I, I, I am perplexed.

Laurel: I don't understand it.

Laurel: It is flakiness and. The inability to make a plan are, , two of my biggest pet peeves in the deto sphere, and the quickest way for me to just stop talking to you.

Nichole: It just makes me feel, it makes me feel like I'm asking too much, which is insane. It is insane. And I know that I'm not, yeah, and I know that it's not me, but I'm also just kind of like, where is the disconnect?

Nichole: Because I would think that the possibility of sex would be enough, but apparently not. Some

Laurel: people just aren't horny enough. You wouldn't be able to tell that from the dick pics that I get. I think that's part of the problem though. Like I think some people just get off on that part of it. Yeah, that's fine.

Laurel: Then be upfront with me about that. Yeah, But they're like ashamed of it.

Daniel: Is that what you meant when you said you hadn't heard Dick?

Nichole: Sure.

Nichole: like making the leap from Dick fiction to Dick Fact is like just, it's not

Laurel: happening. That needs to be a segment. I don't know what it is, but Dick fact or Fiction

Daniel: is this why we've reviewed Dick Pics and we decide whether or not it's really their dick.

Nichole: There are some that I'm like, are you sure? Just you

Daniel: wrong color.

Nichole: I know the segment isn't like to solve a problem.

Laurel: Maybe it'll, for somebody out there who is bad at making plans, it'll click for them and they'll be like, wow, that's actually really irritating for other people.

Laurel: And I didn't realize it, but it actually communicates a lack of interest and a lack of care and respect for other people's time and energy. Yeah. No shit. Boy, howdy. Am I learning a lot about the things other people don't know? Yes. I mean, I've complained about this a lot, but just like my whole journey of , failed nesting partners and roommates is just like a continual realization that there are just so many things that are like, you'd think, you'd think that's pretty fucking apparent, but is not to so many people.

Yeah.

Daniel: That's the main thing that you are learning, that you didn't know is how much people didn't know.

Daniel: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The void staring into the void. Ugh.

Nichole: All right. Well, I. If you're a listener and we've texted and you want to fuck me, I guess just text me te text some

Laurel: like actual details. Text a time

Daniel: and a place. If you would like to make plans with Nicole right into Poly Amateur hour@gmail.com,

Nichole: don't be secure to se.

Nichole: Don't be su Nope, I can't say I'm so mad.

Daniel: What is what? What?

Nichole: Oh, Circuitous. Don't be circuitous about it.

Daniel: And don't, and don't use the anonymous website,

Daniel: We don't get your contact information.

Nichole: I plan things. And I'm in data and planning for my job. Yeah. And when it comes to dating, maybe I should just be more transparent of like, Hey, my bandwidth for planning things is really low.

Nichole: Ooh. Stick it in your profile. . Like for these initial things I just need somebody else to maybe, but that also makes me feel fucking selfish.

Nichole: But then I don't know if that's because it's like the patriarchy is making me feel selfish.

Daniel: You're so selfish for trying to get your needs met. Ugh. Stop asking for what you want.

Nichole: Start demanding it. Yeah.

Daniel: All right. Anyway, , oh, Hmm. I know. What's next? What's next? It's a poll in public invasion of pro proc.

Daniel: I've been practicing saying that nonstop. Oh, so, so you guys wouldn't,

Laurel: instead of being like red leather, yellow leather. Watermelon

Daniel: Chy.

What? I don't know,

Daniel: because then I would just say those things accidentally when I introduced the podcast

Polly in public red leather, yellow leather

Daniel: invasion of watermelon.

Nichole: Maybe we should explain what invasion of Prosci is.

Laurel: Oh, yeah. It's where we tell stories, , either about things we've observed or seen IRL or things people share with us that they've observed or seen IRL that are poly related Anything to add to that? Did I miss anything?

Daniel: No, I think you got it.

Laurel: Why, why do you hate the way that I talk? Why are you always criticizing my voice and why are you always yelling at me about how I look Stupid? I didn't say

Daniel: you looked stupid. I just I heard it. I heard it.

Daniel: I just said you were dirty.

Laurel: All right. What's this one? So we were, we went out to eat, , the other night, , at, , canard. And where we get cute

Daniel: little burgers,

Laurel: where we get White Castle burgers, ex

Daniel: expensive gourmet White Castle burgers. Yep. At this hipster bar.

Laurel: And we were sitting at the bar and these two like beefy gentlemen come in and they sit at the bar next to us.

Laurel: Mm-hmm. And they leave a seat in between them. And I have seen this so many times. We're like. Straight cis dudes will not fucking sit next to each other. What? I've seen it in restaurants. What? Like, they'll get a table for four people so they can sit cattycorner. Like, I literally watched this happen one time, They won't even sit across from each other. It's too gay.

Daniel: These are the same people who are worried that there is a limit to the number of times that your barber's dick can brush against you while you're getting a haircut before it turns you gay.

Nichole: Oh my God. Wow. Okay.

Laurel: Maybe I should go to the barber more often.

Laurel: You should go to my barber. Ooh. That was like my first thought. I saw him sit down. I was like, what? What is, what dude's fucking, whatever. We go back to our White Castle Festival. , And then, , another gentleman walks in the door and both of the two men just get up, jovially and greet him with excitement and sincerity, and then usher him into the seat between them.

Daniel: And it was like. Watching a puzzle that was missing a piece. We have no idea. What the fuck is that? What the fuck is this picture? And then the piece just clicks in and you're like,

oh

Daniel: my God. And then you're like, oh, these two guys on the side are slightly older. They're like a little beefy, or they're like, I think in the bear adjacent category.

Daniel: Mm-hmm. And the guy in the middle is kind of like Ottery.

Mm-hmm.

Daniel: Wait, no, wait. Otters are hairless. What are the, I have no idea. What are the younger Selter bears called Cubs. Yeah. Yeah. So it's like two, two bears. And they're, just right. Goldilocks cub. I'm messing up the story, but. Oh my God.

Nichole: That's so sweet.

Laurel: It was pretty cute. So your prejudice was Yeah. Flipped upside down. Yeah, turned on its head. I was like, Ugh, dumb. Straight dudes. So I had a

Daniel: different reaction when I first saw them.

Laurel: Yeah. What did you think when you first saw them?

Daniel: I thought that they were gay of a very specific genre, like my gayar just went off.

Mm-hmm.

Daniel: But then I was also super confused by the fact that they were sitting apart.

Laurel: Yeah. Like,

Daniel: I got the two signals simultaneously. I got the gay tangle and I got the just cognitive dissonance of why are they leaving a seat? Are they having a fight?

Nichole: Like, are these, is

Daniel: this a couple who's having a fight? I just couldn't sort it out in my brain, and so I just looked away.

Nichole: Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Does not compute. Must look away. Oh, I love that.

Laurel: It was pretty cute. And they were, it was a very apparently like very Datey.

Laurel: Mm-hmm. Partway through, but it was cute that they left a, I was like, oh. Or a couple. We'll leave the seat in the middle between us and

Daniel: I just wanted to dive right in there, but that cub took my place. Oh. Next up on Polly, in public invasion of Pricy. We've got a little piece of media to consume.

Nichole: Oh yeah. I forgot about this.

Nichole: Wow. I,

Laurel: uh, I didn't realize how sexual doing your hair sounds.

Laurel: tease, tease, play, ush. Yeah. Judge.

Daniel: Judge being the And are they insinuating that women get sexual pleasure out of the hair grooming process, do you think? We don't, I mean, Nicole does spend a long time in the bathroom.

Yeah.

Nichole: I feel it once seen and. It's weird 'cause it, it feels like, polyamorous has now entered the lexicon to the point where people are co-opting it to polyamorous. Yeah. And that feels like, have we jumped the shark? Are we, is this the end of talking Hammer?

Daniel: Is this appropriation that makes you uncomfortable at all where they are? Saying that you can enjoy the cultural cachet or fun or sexual aura of polyamory, but without actually being polyamorous. 'cause you're just in a polyamorous relationship with your haircare products.

Laurel: I think, you know, if we can show people that like, actually you've kind of been poly this whole time, if you've been using multiple hair products, that they'll loosen up about it a little bit and stop like acting like it's cheating.

Nichole: Yeah. Let's stop using the metaphor of you can love more than one child. You can love more than one parent. Right. To you can have more than one haircare product. Exactly.

Daniel: Were haircare products getting like really jealous and possessive? Like are there, are there, are there toxically, monogamous, like haircare products out there?

Daniel: I think that this is everything that's wrong with the way that sexuality is used in marketing.

Daniel: Mm-hmm. In that a product that you buy takes the place of sexual or emotional connection. This person is in a fucking polyamorous relationship with capitalism because they can have. All the products. They don't just have to buy one product from your company. They can buy 10 products from your company.

Daniel: And it's okay. Mm-hmm.

Nichole: No, I agree. Yeah, it's sleek,

Laurel: but

Nichole: so is capitalism,

Laurel: but so is capitalism. And I think that um,

Laurel: I was gonna make a joke and then I just started thinking about something actually seriously, kind of sad. Uhhuh. I am like very concerned about the world in which most people are just relating to each other online.

Laurel: Yeah. Yeah. And think that that replaces real life friendships, romance relationships, , I just think that's another illusion that is also being sold by.

Laurel: A class of people who know it is very profitable to keep you isolated and online.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: And to think that you are in a molecule because you have a blow dryer and, , a shampoo.

Laurel: Yeah. Doesn't count. I am gatekeeping put in a sound effect of a giant gate closing. So, sorry, dry bar.

Laurel: You don't make the cut.

Daniel: this ad actually got me going down a little bit of a rabbit hole.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Daniel: There is a DoorDash ad, where the doorbell rings.

Daniel: The conceit of the ad is that this couple is in a threesome with their DoorDash delivery. It is you, me and a fucking dinner.

Nichole: Oh, that's sad. Yeah.

Daniel: hey, all y'all, if polyamory just seems like too much for you, have you tried opening your relationship up to a really satisfying product?

Nichole: Have you tried ordering wings?

Daniel: I mean, are you gonna get jealous? The way that your girlfriend fucking goes after those wings, though.

Nichole: Maybe

Daniel: this fucking face covered with sauce.

Nichole: That's why it's my alone food.

Laurel: You literally stopped eating wings the other day. I know, and I felt really bad. I was like, oh, I don't mean to like interrupt your, your alone time.

Laurel: Do

Nichole: it's very seldom that I have wings. It's just in alone food. I eat it by myself.

Daniel: But you got caught is the thing is Laura walks in and you freeze.

Nichole: Oh

Laurel: no. Nicole didn't freeze. She had an action plan.

Nichole: Yeah, yeah. Because I'm prepared for fucking everything. Yeah.

Daniel: All right.

Daniel: What is next?

Laurel: Boop, it is time to ask the amateurs. I do feel a little bit like the girl in the unicorn hunter couple who is like asking for these long, long dicks, I've been talking about how we want more thorough questions.

Laurel: You are the only one that says that.

Daniel: I know. And now I just got completely railed by this question. Good. I'm like, you

Laurel: deserve it. I'm

Nichole: like,

Daniel: this stubbert was like, I just want to punch the cervix of Poly Amateur Hour.

Daniel: . If you would like to punch the cervix of Poly Amateur Hour,

Laurel: sun does a really fucking long question either anonymously on our website@polyamateurhour.com to our email address, poly Amateur hour@gmail.com. Or you can DM us on Instagram at Poly Amateur Hour.

Laurel: I'm

Nichole: like,

Nichole: All right. You ready? Ready? Yeah.

Daniel: Limber up.

Nichole: Okay. I was at my local bar with a girlfriend I'd been seeing for several months. Although she's not Polly, she was quite happy dating me, had met and hung out with my wife and everything. Was honest and transparent. On this particular night, we had met up at a bar to have a discussion about the future of our relationship.

Nichole: This guy who was a regular at the bar and notoriously trolls for women, went up to her and started talking to my girlfriend. When I went to the bar to get drinks, he only casually knows my wife and I. When I returned with the drinks, he didn't leave and inserted himself in our conversation. I'm a polite person, and the chitchat was fine to start with.

Daniel: Well, that's your first mistake.

Nichole: But out of the blue, one eye frequently made. It's true. But out of the blue, right in front of my girlfriend, he says to me, you and your wife are in an open relationship, so you wouldn't be jealous if I had sex with her. Right? And in my mind, I was like, what the fuck, dude?

Nichole: But being polite, I said something diplomatic about the scenario and that jealousy wasn't an issue.

Daniel: Ha ha ha. Oh, you having sex with my wife? What a humorous little bone mart.

Laurel: Not with his wife, with his girlfriend.

Nichole: I think it's you and your wife are in an open relationship.

Laurel: I took it as, you wouldn't be jealous with me having sex with her, the woman sitting next to you.

Daniel: I think there's just an ambiguous, all encompassing her. Okay. Yeah. Would you not mind me having sex with your her in, in the, her hole?

Nichole: Oh my God. Okay. I'm, oh my God.

Nichole: Maybe, maybe more will be clear. Her whole fuck. Okay. I said something diplomatic about that scenario and that jealousy wasn't an issue, but he said, oh, but you are jealous because I was talking to her. Once and you didn't like it

Daniel: Wife,

Nichole: to which I'm thinking that wasn't me being jealous, dude. It's because you're a predatory douche bag to the women here. That's being protective

Daniel: Okay. Is that him thinking it or him saying it? He is thinking it. He's polite. He's thinking it. He's definitely thinking it. Second mistake,

Nichole: not starting a brawl immediately. So my girlfriend then says, oh yeah, he's open. We've been seeing each other for a while.

Nichole: Actually. With that, you could see the wheels start to turn in his mind as he quite obviously wanted to move in on her right in front of me. It seemed like he was challenging me to some kind of macho polly versus regular dude test that if I'm really open and not jealous, then I wouldn't have a problem with him moving in on her as well as assuming he could bang my wife and move in on her.

Nichole: He did. We went to another bar with this guy tagging along. Oh God, my girlfriend was a little drunk by now. Next minute I turn around and they're making out right in front of me at the bar. Oh, fuck. So much for the relationship talk we were meant to have. Then she says, oh, I'm gonna go home with him now.

Nichole: I'm no prude and people are free to do what they like, but I felt this was a little bit on the nose. I think she could see that on my face and so awkwardly apologized. Then this dude leans over into my face and says, Aw, poor guy. Look, he's hurt.

Nichole: Aw. Like he won the contest. Oh. And defeated the poly guy. Oh,

Laurel: that my god. Where? Gimme the location of this bar. I wanna, I wanna start some shit with this guy.

Nichole: Okay. I decided I should leave. Yes. The situation not being great. So I walked out. As I was walking, there's more fuck.

Nichole: As I was walking down the street, I turned around and went back to the bar, went up to the guy and told him to go fuck himself. Very unlikely to do that, but I felt it was warranted, given his behavior. Okay. It felt a little better after that. Okay.

Daniel: We feel better after hearing you. Yeah.

Nichole: Yeah. Yes. The next day my girlfriend kind of apologized.

Nichole: She said she was really drunk and was sorry. She had been feeling that dating someone who is married was a dead end for her, even though it had been a really wonderful experience for both of us up to that point. But, but dating this schmuck at the bar is not a fucking dead end. Oh. That, that was not dating, but yeah.

Nichole: Yeah. She said she didn't get being Polly, even though she was also seeing another married guy who I had met and liked at the same time as me. She then told me, she decided she was now looking for her forever person. And in her monogamous mind, she didn't want to have to explain to a future date that she was seeing a married man, quote unquote.

Nichole: That would be awkward. She said I was disappointed in the way that she broke it off with me. By carrying on with someone in front of me instead of just talking about it. If she had just said she didn't want to be in a non-monogamous relationship, I would've completely understood. I was quite hurt, felt undermined, and that I had been made to look like a fool by someone I had trusted and felt was a friend.

Nichole: From that point, we stopped seeing each other. Yeah. The questions that came up for me as a result of this experience are one, what do you say when straight cis dudes think that women in open relationships like my wife, are automatically up to fuck, like it is some open invitation. Respect and consent are still a thing in non-monogamy, yet some people think otherwise.

Nichole: Two, I'm trying to figure out why someone like that, girlfriend of mine who is having a great non-monogamous relationship with you, would throw that all away because it might appear odd to a future monogamous partner. It's like some disease she'd have to disclose. Surely you could keep dating someone you actually like and get along with until you meet your forever person, quote unquote, if in fact you ever do

Daniel: aside.

Daniel: I hate that language so much. I think that it was taken from the marketing for, , humane societies and stuff.

Daniel: You like, you're forever home and stuff. I'm just looking for my forever person. I can take home and swaddle

Laurel: and call my own

Nichole: I guess this is the difference in mindset , of mono people. It just has to be one person, even if you deny yourself the opportunity of a great relationship. In the interim, thanks for reading and any advice you can offer a Stu NYC.

Daniel: All right. Okay. All right. Oh God. All right. Li limber up.

Laurel: Yeah. Okay. Oh man.

Laurel: I'm ready to shit on everybody.

Nichole: Alright. What do you say when straight cis dudes think that women in open relationships, like my wife, are automatically up to fuck, like it is some open invitation. So that kind of goes right against my bone to pick, , because this married lady is up to fuck.

Daniel: Yeah. the person who you thought was your girlfriend was down to fuck. And you can't really be the arbiter of that.

Laurel: Well, , here's the thing. One, it turns out girlfriend wasn't actually Polly so that she was down to fuck, had nothing to do with her non-monogamy.

Laurel: True. Two, I think that really 90%, I'm just gonna make up things right now. I think 90% of Polly women are definitely not down to fuck those kinds of people. Like the people who make assumptions like that.

Yeah.

Laurel: Yes. Or want to do like this weird fucking bullish posturing at a bar to like dick off with some other man.

Laurel: People don't wanna fuck that guy.

Daniel: But is there anything that . that Another, , straight cis dude should or can do in those situations?

Daniel: Or is it on the part of , the woman who either does or does not want to fuck?

Laurel: If the woman is present, like it is on her, but wife wasn't there, and if I were the girlfriend in that situation, I would've been like, you need to fuck off, dude.

Nichole: Yeah, I mean, because gross.

Laurel: You're gross.

Laurel: Leave us alone. I think the best thing you can do as like stupid in that situation is just be like, I think you're just like really confused about like autonomy and sexuality.

Nichole: Done. Done that shuts it down. Yeah. Yeah. I think you're confused about autonomy and sexuality.

Nichole: Autonomy is probably too big a word for me. Yeah. So that'll confuse him even further. Yeah. He is, you know, got his eyes all screwed up going, huh? And that's when you leave and that's when you leave.

Daniel: I mean, the, the thing about it being Polly, is that it's not about me.

Daniel: He's like, oh, you're Polly, so you wouldn't mind if I fucked your wife. I think that what I would do in that situation is I would be like, you should be concerned whether she would mind. Why are you even, yeah, yeah. Trying to press that button?

Daniel: he's making the interaction, this theoretical interaction between him and Stewart's wife about him and Stu, which is Ooh.

Laurel: Yeah. Then you can dig deep in that and be like, I don't know why you're paying so much attention to me, man.

Laurel: Don't, do you really wanna fuck me? Yeah. I think this is about us. Do you wanna talk about

Daniel: us?

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: You know, this is the reason why I left the seat empty between us at the bar,

Nichole: please. And then that'll confuse him even further and then his eyes are all screwed up and that's when you leave and leave him with the tab.

Nichole: Yes.

Daniel: Okay.

Nichole: I'm trying to figure out why someone like that, girlfriend of mine who is having a great non-monogamous relationship with you, would throw that all away because it might appear odd, quote unquote, to a future monogamous partner.

Laurel: Yeah. That's just like sad, confusing reality of life. I'm sorry. That person doesn't have enough integrity and security and self love to just do what they do and be who they are and like be confident explaining that to other people. Look not that hard,

Daniel: but it, it is like, it is like non-monogamy 1 0 2.

Daniel: It might be easy for you to imagine doing that, but for somebody who has no experience doing it, that might be a hard thing to navigate. The

Laurel: thing with people who I've dated who have not had experience doing that, they've started dating other people and they didn't tell them about other people they're dating, like they knew , they were dating other people.

Laurel: Once it got to the point of having a conversation of are we gonna be exclusive? And if they wanted to be exclusive, then they broke up with me.

Yeah.

Laurel: It didn't even have to be a conversation because people in those dynamics don't hear about. The other people, their partner is dating or seeing at that point in time?

Nichole: I don't know that you're ever going to get a, an answer to the question why.

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: And I think it might be a fruitful exercise to let go of asking that question. , Because the why, is totally up to that person, that girlfriend. , And that experience that you had with that girlfriend might not be repeated in another experience.

Nichole: , although you have some learnings about what to front load with the next person, what kinds of questions to ask.

Nichole: For whomever you start dating next, Like get very clear on what it is that non-monogamy means to them

Nichole: are they looking for this quote forever person? Will you be discarded if, right, right. Like this forever person come along or just this random, you know, barfly.

Daniel: So you saying, . What does non-monogamy mean to you? It reminds me that that is literally one of the leading questions that you had in your hinge profile,

Nichole: correct?

Nichole: Mm-hmm.

Daniel: When did invitation to Love season one, episode one, which reminds me just previous to this recording, this Stubbert, who is a longstanding gold star Stubbert, volunteered to have his profile be b ooh, our first listener.

Daniel: Invitation.

Nichole: I'm so excited. Alright. Cool. Okay.

Daniel: So okay. To be continued. Tune back in. I'm super excited next week. Then we can

Nichole: take some of this that we've just Yeah. Been discovering we can, apply that there.

Daniel: This is like when DS nine finally started doing serial storytelling. Oh my God.

Daniel: Finally. And we're gonna,

Laurel: Honestly, I feel like I. This question probably wouldn't have existed if they had just actually had the conversation at the bar that

Nichole: they were planning on having.

Nichole: That they were planning

Laurel: on having. Yes. And were able to like untangle some of those things

Nichole: like, Stewart had the right idea. Yeah.

Nichole: Yeah. And I can almost guarantee it was Stu who asked for this conversation and not the girlfriend,

Laurel: it seems like, and this is just my, my armchair , psycho analytics, but it seemed like she had no idea how to talk about these things ' and then just went into sabotage mode.

Daniel: Remember when we had the question, somewhat recently from another gold star Stu, who was asking about dating somebody whose intention was to get into a monogamous relationship long term.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Daniel: And my advice was couched in a question of are they making a thing of it?

Daniel: Did they seem like they're comfortable in the relationship? And they're just going to find their forever persons, you know, stumble across them. On the sidewalk in front of their house or something.

Laurel: Mm-hmm. You know, that's

Daniel: the only way, that's where

Laurel: I found the last one.

Daniel: Yeah,

Laurel: yeah,

Daniel: yeah. when it was raining men, um, hallelujah.

Daniel: Are they constantly talking about how, oh, it's, oh, it's, it's fine. Honestly, it seems like there might've been a little bit going on with this stu today. Like this partner did not seem like they were comfortable with this situation of just being in a holding pattern while they're waiting.

Laurel: My impression was they were having a great time until this moment a great time on the surface.

Mm.

Laurel: And then underneath it. Clearly we're having some kind of turmoil about it

Nichole: . But also we'll never know. We'll never know what was going on in her mind.

We'll never know unless she comes on this

Nichole: podcast and decides to

Laurel: explain herself. Yes, come on the cast and explain yourself. Lady. Uh, don't feed the trolls, especially with your kisses.

Daniel: Trolls are sustained by the kisses of Maidens. Uhhuh.

Nichole: Yeah. Gross.

Nichole: But I, I also really appreciated this question 'cause I really like a

Laurel: story. As you were reading it, I was like, this is the T Nicole asked for last time. Yes. This is the T it's

Nichole: it's

Laurel: keep sending the people.

Laurel: Yeah. I love the good T

Daniel: She's got, we've got the T that Nicole asked for. Now if we can just get the A that she wants.

Laurel: Yeah. Make a schedule. Dumbass.

Daniel: Shall we move along home?

Laurel: Yes. Yes, yes sir. Can I have a unicorn hunter, sir?

Be careful what you ask for. Oh

Laurel: no. can I do a plug for something else?

Daniel: Can we do a short belly slapping solo since you've started to do it anyhow?

Laurel: Oh yeah. This is the, this is the music for the plug.

Daniel: Okay.

Laurel: I can't do it when Nicole looks at me like that. Um, you should go listen to, , the podcast under the Fin Influence, 'cause my partner, , shark Doctor Derek Kraft PhD is on it talking about sharks .

Nichole: It's cute. I really thought it was a podcast about Finn Wolfhard.

Wow.

Nichole: Stranger things.

Wow.

Daniel: I severely hope that that does not exist.

Nichole: I really hope it doesn't. That would creep me out so bad.

Daniel: I mean, Timothy Chalamet is a sex symbol now, so. but like, , But Timothy

Nichole: Chala is of age. Like, like, oh, Finn

Daniel: Wolfhard is now too. What? We're all real fucking old,

Nichole: oh, God.

Nichole: He was born in 2002. No, he wasn't. Hate all of this.

Daniel: Alright. You guys ready? Mm-hmm. Seat belts.

Daniel: Hi. We're a couple who takes pleasure in pleasing each other and others. He loves watching her explore with other men, so like mountaineering. She loves making his fantasies come to life with another woman.

Daniel: Girl on girl connections are always welcome. Peach emoji couples two We value sensuality, respect and tenderness. No pain or aggression. Just the thrill of mutual desire about her. No pain

Nichole: or aggression?

Daniel: No pain or aggression. Okay. Not, not like bread,

Nichole: Okay.

Daniel: She is beautiful inside and out. A captivating blend of charm, sensitivity and grace. Sun emoji. She doesn't like to be rushed. Instead, she thrives on genuine connections and mutual understanding. Treat her with patience and care and she'll open up in ways that make every moment unforgettable. I. Wow. Heart eyed emoji.

Okay.

Daniel: She loves a good massage to start with. Okay. To start

Nichole: with

Daniel: I feel like this couple is , the human embodiment of bad boundary back rub made flesh.

Mm-hmm.

Daniel: About him, he's confident, attentive, and knows how to make a woman feel truly desired.

Daniel: Whether he's watching from the sidelines or joining in the fun, his energy is magnetic. Beyond his magnetic energy and giving nature, he's also blessed with assets that more than match his personality. Nose emoji.

Daniel: What? He smells good. Is this supposed to be, are we supposed to make the connection of, you know, what they say about men with big noses?

Laurel: That's something only Jewish people say.

Laurel: You know what They say about men with big noses?

Daniel: He's the kind of man who thrives on creating unforgettable moments, not just for her, but for everyone involved. If you are looking for a man who's respectful, playful, and always in tune with the moment, he's the one who will exceed your expectations.

Daniel: Open mouth, tongue emoji. He's a ski slash snowboard instructor. He loves deep conversations. He can have multiple orgasms for 10 minutes straight. What

Daniel: Wait, he's straight.

Daniel: He can have multiple orgasms for 10 minutes, but he's fucking straight.

What? Okay.

Daniel: She loves cooking and makeup.

Daniel: We meditate and do reiki, obviously looking for people who feel love, capital L.

Daniel: Oh, by the way,

Laurel: Uhhuh

Daniel: the name of this profile,

Uhhuh,

Daniel: which I'm just going to disclose is ham bone. 'cause it's too good. What is it? I know. I feel bad that it's not ham bone. Well thanks a lot.

Daniel: Sorry. You totally, totally upstaged my it is tantric sex best.

Daniel: Okay. Which I can't decide if it's a, if it's a advertisement like tantric sex best, like best foods mayonnaise, or whether it's like a misspelling of tantric sex beast, or whether he thinks that it's funny to be tantric sex best.

Laurel: Okay, so the other day, don't ask me why I went into a GameStop

Daniel: what, why.

Laurel: What did I just say? There was one rule because there were squishy, fluffy things and I wanted to squish them. Anyways,

Daniel: gamer boys,

Laurel: well, I, I saw these squishy, fluffy things in the back corner and I gravitated toward them, but there was also these gamer boys, like two of them huddled in the back corner talking seriously about something.

Laurel: So I was like, huh, I'm just here to eavesdrop on your shit talking. And one of them would not look at me and just stared at the ground, and the other one just stared at me. And then it was awkward. So I kept talking as one does. One of them was like, yeah, I'm just so fucking sick of it. So I was like, yeah, I'm fucking sick of it too. and the other one was like, yeah, I'm sick of those fucking hippies.

Laurel: And I was like, yeah. And I think this is who he was talking about.

Nichole: Oh my God,

Daniel: these are the hippies that even Laurel can hate. Yeah. Yeah.

Laurel: I'm realizing through a lot of these that there's a particular theme of like overwritten profiles.

Laurel: That's exactly what I was thinking. Yeah. Yeah. Go on. Poorly overwritten profiles that are just trying to like, romanticize these people and it makes them seem insufferable.

Nichole: It is overselling. Yeah. To the point where, right off the bat, I don't believe you. Yes. Like with anything you tell me, I'm not gonna believe you, but you keep going and doubling down and talking about how big your nose is and I just don't

Daniel: he's got a nose in place of his penis, just zips down the fly and there's just a big old honker.

Nichole: But what was like, she will make all moments unforgettable. Yeah. Or some shit like that. That could go both ways. That could be, that could be, yeah. That's what I was thinking. I was like, yeah,

Laurel: I might not forget this, but I'll wish I could.

Daniel: Traumatic sex best. Okay. The profile is in his name. Mm-hmm. And the profile talks a ton about him. And I feel like it's written as though the woman is trying to convince you what an amazing fucking.

Daniel: Lover he is. How just fucking hung and sensual,

Laurel: you think he, he wrote it in third person about himself.

Daniel: I absolutely think he wrote, wrote it in third person about himself so it's all this stuff about how you will never be able to erase from your memory, this encounter with him.

Daniel: And then for her, she loves cooking and makeup.

Yeah.

Daniel: I mean, granted it could be written by her and it's just a Nicole who can only really give herself short shrift. I like and I like cooking and makeup or,

Laurel: or she's not into it. He's like, he's been begging for her to do this forever.

Laurel: And he is like, okay, I'm gonna make the profile now. Like, what do you wanna add into it? She's like, I don't know, I like cooking and makeup.

Laurel: And he's like, can't wait till we catch one.

Daniel: Like a, like, like a Pokemon.

Nichole: So they are looking exclusively F for women and couples? Is that what they say?

Daniel: He loves watching her explore with other men. Oh, okay. She loves making his fantasies come to life with another woman. Okay. Girl on girl connections are always welcome. Couples

do. Couples do. Okay. All right.

Daniel: do you guys get sked when you hear the term Girl on girl, what's your, what's your first gut reaction? When somebody describes pornography?

Nichole: Yeah. Yeah.

Daniel: Okay.

Nichole: For a man's viewing pleasure. Yeah.

Daniel: It sounds like each of them are having sex with you for the others' pleasure, regardless of your gender. Right.

Nichole: Yeah. Wait, what was their opening line? Are they they pleased by pleasure? What was that?

Daniel: We're a couple who takes pleasure in pleasing each other. Yeah.

Daniel: The pleasure in the pleasing. That is one of my least favorite Jane Austen novels.

Nichole: I think it's underrated.

Daniel: Oh, wait, you haven't seen the pictures? Oh, oh, shit.

All right. Lemme put my glasses on. Convince me. Convince me.

Daniel: the main thing that you have to know

Laurel: mm-hmm.

Daniel: About these pictures mm-hmm.

Daniel: He is always wearing a hat. It is generally a dramatic hat.

Laurel: Oh, okay. Okay. That's,

Daniel: that's one thing.

Laurel: Excited.

Daniel: And they are always in physical connection in some kind of conspicuous way.

Nichole: Okay.

Daniel: So This hat is so big that it is actually like hidden, it's some kind of top hat

Laurel: oh, this is like a steam punk thing?

Daniel: Yeah, they're on a boat.

Nichole: are they on a boat?

Nichole: It looks like they could be on a dock,

Daniel: which is not a boat. In any case, they're just fucking passengers. I don't see any steering wheel and Yeah.

Laurel: That's not a yacht. That's like a river cruise. That's like, um, that's a ferry.

Laurel: Yeah, that's the word I was looking for. river cruise.

Daniel: Yeah. Now this, they're like skiing. I guess he's a ski instructor, but they're like, they're, they're standing kind of far apart, but they have to be holding hands,

Nichole: but not holding hands in a couple way holding hands.

Nichole: Like they're doing a very loose business arrangement.

Daniel: . Alright. And extremely conspicuous hat.

Laurel: Is he in a, in a play?

Daniel: Yeah, I think they're in a play together.

Nichole: Okay.

Daniel: Laurel skipped to the last picture.

Daniel: And he is wearing like a, Hamburg

Laurel: hat. Is that what these are called? It's a thing that normal people would just call a fedora, but it's not actually a fedora

Laurel: said somebody with a fedora.

Daniel: Are you saying that I'm a fedora person because I refuse to call it a fedora

Laurel: like you know what the hat

Nichole: actually is called?

Nichole: Oh God,

Laurel: yeah.

Daniel: What is that? What is that? It's like a, is that a pork pie?

Laurel: It's just a closeup of this man smirking in his fedora.

Daniel: there's a feather in the cap

Laurel: That is his sens sensuality.

Laurel: Okay. Aggrandizement. My ears are overflowing with it. I'm gonna give them an eight.

Nichole: yeah, I'll get, I was gonna give them a seven, I don't think they're on an actual boat. Um,

Laurel: But they're so unforgettable.

Nichole: I give higher points for people who are very pushy on like, look how wealthy we are. Mm. Okay. You know, look at how much we've traveled the world.

Laurel: I think there's just a certain kind of self-aggrandizement that people who think they are spiritual participate in.

Laurel: Yeah. Yeah. And that's the vibes that I get here. Yeah, I get that. I get that. Yeah.

Daniel: I point out mm-hmm. That. Even when there is not a boat involved, boats affect Nicole's rating system. It's like the attraction of the moon on the ocean. Even when there's a new moon, even, even when you can't see the boat, the boat is having its magnetic effect upon Nicole.

Daniel: No boat affects the score. Boat affects the score. Multiple boats.

Laurel: Yeah. You know, it's like you can't extricate yourself from culture. Tell me I'm wrong. Yeah. The boat is always present even in its absence. Just like the ghost wife upstairs.

Yeah.

Nichole: What's your rating?

Daniel: I'll go eight.

Laurel: I'll, I'll go eight. Nice, nice, nice, nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right.

Daniel: Arbitrary rules? Not

Laurel: a lot.

Nichole: Not a lot.

Daniel: I feel like they will take all comers, so to speak. Yeah, yeah.

Nichole: Yeah. They will.

Daniel: Yeah.

Nichole: And he'll come a lot for 10 minutes straight.

Daniel: Oh my God, that is so disturbing.

Nichole: That is really, because I, I'm just imagining the mechanics of that.

Daniel: Does it come out like silly string?

Laurel: Can you like feel orgasmic, but you're not actually like coming.

Daniel: I feel like he's just giggling the whole time too, right? It's like a,

Nichole: I think, honestly, I don't think English is his first language.

Daniel: That's generous.

Nichole: Well, it ends in Relic and one of their photos is like traditional dress.

Daniel: I thought that was just pappel cosplay. I thought he was dressed as a a pope. No,

Nichole: I think, no, I think that's traditional. Like

Daniel: for Pope Con.

Nichole: Oh no, that's Eastern European shit.

Laurel: Oh. I still think he can come for 10 minutes straight.

Daniel: Nicole, you think that, , he was like mistranslating and he can actually go for 10 minutes straight?

Nichole: I, I, I truly cannot tell you what he meant by that.

Laurel: Or bragging that he can come to orgasm within 10 minutes.

Nichole: That's what I, yeah. I don't, I don't know what the brag is.

Daniel: Can I tell you about one of my favorite kinds of porn?

Nichole: What,

which kind?

Daniel: It is just completely obscure and I think it's only one, company, one entity that makes this, where it is women giving men hand jobs as a competition.

Daniel: Like where they're just kind of there and they're just trying to get the man off in as short amount of time as possible. I don't, I don't even think it really turns me on, but I just think it's fucking hilarious. Are there multiple men? Yeah. They're like lined up. Yeah. And there's a timer and like whoever comes first wins, whoever makes him come.

Daniel: The fastest wins.

Laurel: Oh, are they behind a glory hole?

Daniel: No, but you don't see their faces.

Laurel: Wow. They're

Daniel: just standing there and the woman is going to work like figuratively and literally,

Nichole: I feel like that's a sorority and fraternity competition that like happens late at night when they're all drunk

Laurel: But the, fraternity has a different objective in that competition than the sorority has. Yes.

Laurel: The fraternity, they're trying to not come as long as possible.

Laurel: Come and, oh yeah. And whoever they win for not coming as long as possible, but the girls win. They make them come faster. Faster.

Daniel: War of the sexes.

Laurel: Classic.

Daniel: So arbitrary rule is, give 'em like a two.

Laurel: Yeah, yeah, yeah. 2, 2, 2, 2. Deuces.

Nichole: would we Unicorn? No, no, no, no. Nope, nope.

Laurel: I was

Nichole: about to start another song, but I won't do it.

Nichole: Don't, don't do it. Please don't do it. Uh

Daniel: uh.

Nichole: See I now he's trying, I won't fall into your trap. You already gave him a tummy

Laurel: song. I already gave you a tummy song. She gave you a tummy song. I paid my price. I paid the piper for my plug.

Daniel: You say it like you gave me a child. I gave you a baby. I gave you my tummy song.

Daniel: Is that a euphemism for having a baby for someone?

Nichole: Ew was Don't ruin

Laurel: the tummy song. Let give you a tummy song. My tummy song is sacred. Has nothing

Daniel: to do with your weird birther fucking hippie fetish. Fucking hippie with your sacred tummy song.

Daniel: All right guys. I have a bonus.

Daniel: Unicorn. Hunter. .

Nichole: What? What? We don't Come on, we have five minutes. I

Daniel: know. I just wanna show you these pictures. Okay.

Nichole: Is that gonna be fun for the listener if they can't see the photos?

Daniel: They don't have to stay for after credits. Like we didn't invite them. Okay.

Laurel: We didn't invite you. It's your own fault if it just keeps playing. Jesus. Jesus Christ. What are you still doing here?

Daniel: Alright. Picture number one. can you describe what you are seeing?

Laurel: Uh, it's just like workout torsos.

Daniel: And what is this pose?

Laurel: It's like I am going to do like double undercut, like fists turned up at the sides.

Daniel: Yeah. And kinda like pulled back.

Daniel: Yeah. But what is the important part is that he is doing the same position. Oh my gosh. Isn't it just all, it's

Laurel: be like a Muscle Man flex kind of thing.

Daniel: Yeah, it's a specific Muscle Man flex. It's to show all of your, it's to show all the muscles, all, yeah. And then there's yet another one

Nichole: I do have. A partner who sends me photos that look like this

Daniel: I think that do it. I think that he was just doing a workout once and he was like, he, he was doing some curls and then he just got stuck like this.

Nichole: He was just like,

Daniel: somebody hit him on the back.

Nichole: So he is like a Ken doll. He just can't like move his arms.

Nichole: But do they still rotate at the

Laurel: shoulder? They do, yes.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: So he can do

Daniel: upper cuts. We're so fucking terrible for making fun of his disability.

Oh, well,

boop.