Daniel: You know, you can advocate for your Coca-Cola.

Laurel: I know, but I just felt like yelling like up to Nicole was a lot. And then I, I realized that is something that is very explicitly like, married couples privilege is yelling to each other from across the house.

Daniel: Nicole just thinks that it's just a me thing is that I'm a, a room to room yeller.

Laurel: I think it's like an old Jew thing.

Daniel: Mm.

Laurel: I think it's a marriage thing.

Daniel: Do your parents do it?

Nichole: I think all married couples who cohabitate do it Yeah. Yell at each other. , And it's just a series of like, what, what

Laurel: it's a Bend Molina moment, which I'm apparently the only one that read Bend Molina as a kid. So,

Daniel: Sounds like the name of a contortionist porn star.

Laurel: At some point they changed. It does, huh? At some point they just changed the name from, of the book from Ben Molina to the cat who wore a pot on her head.

Laurel: 'cause that's what it's about, is a cat that wore a pot on her head and her name is Bend Molina. But like that title just wasn't grabbing children, I guess.

Oh, it wasn't.

Nichole: Beda Molina, and then changing it to the cat who wore a pot on her head. Sounds like it's a direct translation. Like that's a word in some foreign language. Like, I remember my English and French teacher in high school was from Russia.

Nichole: Mm-hmm. And she spoke many, many languages and she was,

Laurel: wait, she was your English and your French teacher? Correct. She's from Russia. Okay. Yes.

Nichole: She was incredibly smart. Went to Ivy League. Nice and became a high school teacher for some reason. And she was describing that there is a word in Russian for the sound that a chicken makes when it flops down really quickly and makes a little floofy flu sound. And there's no translation for it in English.

Nichole: It's just describing the word that,

Laurel: but it's not like onia. No. It's really just describing a chicken doing as it does.

Yep. When flopping down,

Daniel: there's no word for it. In American English, because we we're just thinking about how soon can we, , monetize the chicken. We, we don't pay attention to the, we don't the delicious subtleties of, , of life.

Daniel: For a chicken, a chicken's personal life, we don't actually let the chicken

Laurel: flop down.

Nichole: Yeah, that's true. That's why we don't have a word for it.

Laurel: Yeah. The chicken is in too small of a cage that keeps it at like optimal egg laying, uh, this is dark anyways.

Laurel: Oh shit. I gotta sign my contract for German tv. What,

Laurel: did I not bring this up a while ago? That Sean got contacted by a German reality TV show?

Laurel: is that happening?

Daniel: Are negotiations moving along?

Laurel: Oh, , we're being filmed on Friday and Saturday. Oh my God. Yeah. So,

Daniel: They are gonna be here while we have our party. And I actually haven't disclosed this to Nicole yet. Oh. Is I'm trying to lobby to get them to come to the party. To get them to come to the party. We would though, have to everybody who comes to the door. Would have to sign a waiver to be on German cable television, but I think that makes our party seem super exclusive.

I know, but

Laurel: I can't tell if Nicole's excited or horrified. I know. Yes. Um,

Nichole: I don't, I mean, uh, I just got really nervous now.

Laurel: Oh, to be fair, I would have to like even ask Sean in my Metamore Uhhuh who is also coming, if they would even be at all remotely. Okay. Or interested in that

Daniel: Because the Metamore does not want to be filmed.

Laurel: No, I think that, for her job and stuff like is not crazy out.

Daniel: I would just love it if she was obscuring her face at every moment during the party. Like with a fan or That would be hot. I would a veil.

Laurel: Ooh, yeah. Just constant mystery alert. What if we just made one of those, , photo booth, stick things, but it's just an emoji. Yes.

Nichole: Okay. So maybe this is my chance to be reality TV reaction guy.

Laurel: Oh yes.

Nichole: Oh my God. Oh my

Laurel: God. You could be real

Nichole: life bachelor contestant reaction. I am. See, I can see it in my head. Somebody does something out of pocket and you just see my face go. Hmm. And it quickly zooms in Zoom. So, you know, maybe I'm into it.

Laurel: I feel like there's lots of people who just want their, their 15 minutes of fame. Yeah. I want my 15 minutes of just. Utter confusion. Like it's not enough. It's not enough to just see someone be kind of like pretty and vaguely petty on television.

Laurel: Mm-hmm. Like I need there to just be a whole confusing allure where someone wishes. There were an article on Wikipedia about me to just explain whatever it is they just saw.

Daniel: The other thing that I really like about this possible premise is that we could kind of convince them that we are a cult.

Daniel: Like it wouldn't be that hard.

Nichole: It wouldn't be up to us, the editors. It's true. Yeah. Have all the power. Yeah. And we don't know how malicious these German editors are,

Daniel: but reality tv reality TV people are used to working with really dumb manipulatable people. So if we're savvy, we can totally leave a trail of breadcrumbs for them that makes them think that we are fucking diabolical.

Daniel: Sex cult ringleaders question.

Nichole: Why would we want that?

Daniel: It's just not enough for me to have this life of the podcast for my public persona. I need to be a villain on German cable television.

God,

Daniel: this is my, this is my revenge. Oh, yeah. Oh, how, how The turntables, this is my long game. Since 19. Since 1945.

Daniel: Fuck.

Daniel: Welcome to Poly Amateur Hour.

Laurel: I'm Laurel,

Nichole: I'm Nicole.

Daniel: I'm Daniel.

Nichole: You always try to make it sexy.

Daniel: Oh shit. My voice got stuck like this. I'm gonna have to do this for the rest of the episode.

Nichole: Please don't.

Daniel: We're having to do more like AI voices for my work, right? Where we're doing commercials mm-hmm. That sometimes use Aivo.

Mm-hmm.

Daniel: Uh, better than AI and vo, you know what I'm saying?

Ugh.

Daniel: And yeah. Right. It's terrible. No. And the descriptions of like the little personalities of the AI Voss are like hilarious.

Daniel: It's like Gary has a sense of humor

Kyle: Gary has a sense of humor and wants to tell you about his trip to Prague.

Laurel: , It's like when a unicorn hunter has written a little synopsis of their partner in the profile. Yes.

Nichole: Are they going

Laurel: well traveled?

Kyle: Gary is well travelled, and will make you squirt.

Laurel: Gary who prioritizes your pleasure over his,

Laurel: would like to invite you on a trip to Prague.

Daniel: . I was just wondering, you know, whether or not I have various like uploadable Daniel personalities that I can do. One is German reality television villain obvi,

Daniel: but the other one is sexy late night radio host, you know? Yeah.

Nichole: Uhhuh.

Daniel: That's

Nichole: it. There's only two.

Daniel: Yeah, that's it. I, I, I'm totally bipolar and those are my polls. You do

Nichole: not contain multitudes. You decidedly not contain multitudes.

Laurel: Single faceted human.

Laurel: I went to Ren fair yesterday.

Daniel: I

Laurel: wasn't Oh shit. You did? Yeah, it was like pouring rain yesterday. It was pouring rain. Which was kind of a bummer 'cause they didn't do a lot of the things like jousting damn.

Laurel: And, I was wearing my giant orange raincoat the whole time. And at some point , there was like this little booth where someone had like owls and falcons and shit so we were like looking at the birds and someone was standing in front of us and they just, they turned around but what they said was, oh, is that Kenny?

Laurel: Like from South Park as part of your

Daniel: like

Laurel: fantasy coplay as my best. What?

Laurel: Yeah. They, , They seemed like very apologetic about it. Like they seem almost embarrassed that they thought that they didn't, they didn't know who they were talking to, they to and didn't know. And then I looked down at myself and I was like, you're right.

Laurel: Like I should have just cosplayed Kenny did. I?

Daniel: That reminds me, we were in the uh, ramen shop the other day. Mm-hmm. Oh yeah. And there was this guy like indoors reclining at like a what angle would that be? Like an 85 degree? Like about here. Can the audience tell by how far I am from the microphone?

Laurel: That's obtuse. So you wanna go a little? Oh, thanks.

Laurel: You wanna go a little? You wanna go like, you know, 110 degrees? Okay. So this guy was reclining

Daniel: hoodie, beard. And I was thinking. You guys have only known me really in my fancy man phase.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Daniel: But in my late twenties, like raggedy, , waterfront drug dealer, facial hair, hoodies thread bear vintage t-shirts, I was like, that could have been me if I was like a foot taller.

Nichole: Oh man. We missed out on that. That was your thought when you saw that guy.

Daniel: Yeah. It was not, is

Nichole: he okay?

Daniel: No, he was like, basic dude, you don't understand. They're like armies of these guys. Of course, of course there are.

Laurel: I mean you do, you tell stories sometimes and that is kind of like how I envision you, but it is very distinct from the Daniel I know now. though.

Laurel: Sean is kind of like that

Laurel: too, but the opposite. like

Daniel: was he like totally straight laced?

Laurel: Yeah. From what I hear, he was kind of like a nihilistic sort of straight-laced, repressed Texan boy.

Daniel: I'm glad of all those facets.

Daniel: He prioritized the nihilistic part.

Laurel: Yeah. No, he is much more absurd, but still has that strong nihilism streak.

Daniel: He was dealt like a a five card hand and he like traded in four. He's like four. Please. Keeping nihilism. Yeah.

Nichole: Yeah.

Nichole: So what's our first segment?

Daniel: Oh. I think we're doing a little unicorn.

Laurel: Hunty. Hunty. Ooh. Okay.

Nichole: unicorn hunter hunters. When we look at unicorn hunter profiles and we rate them on three categories, self-aggrandizement.

Nichole: Arbitrary rules, and would we unicorn?

Daniel: are you guys ready?

Nichole: Ready, ready.

Daniel: Seat belts. Okay. Set the mood. I guess imagine some big floppy top hats and, giant trees wiggling in the air, like squiggly lime trees. Is this HR puffin stuff close or,

Nichole: welcome to Lidsville.

Daniel: Welcome to Lidsville. Are we down the rabbit hole?

Daniel: Is it Saturday

Nichole: morning and we're in the seventies?

Daniel: Yes. I was more thinking, not in uh, live cartoons rather. In a picture book. Okay.

Laurel: What's a live cartoon? Like? An an animated,

Daniel: like a, yeah. Not in a, an animation cartoon. In a still cartoon.

Nichole: Okay. Uh, okay. I guess I'm imagining now.

Daniel: All right. A committed couple of 25 years.

Daniel: Death to we part is what we cheer.

Oh, no. Okay.

Daniel: Attached at the hip only play as a couple. But love the idea of naked, quadruple group texting and drinks is how we roll. Let's have a spicy chat and see a spark cajole.

Oh no.

Daniel: Professional and fit. And in the public eye we hide our faces. Well. You know why Travel and leisure is who we are.

Daniel: Divey bars, hotels with four stars and tailgates out the back of cars. Gym rats and sun chasers with beers in hand. The next adventure is always the plan. We are fun and vibrant and living our best lives. We are pleased to meet you, but bring some surprise until that time that we chat back and forth. I bid you farewell and happiness.

Daniel: Of course. Thank you for listening.

Daniel: Stay thirsty. My friends redacted for life.

Laurel: I think that six people just got

Daniel: bingo. I don't think anybody had rhyming profile on their bingo cards. No, but like

Laurel: that covered so many bases. What was, and, and, but it did successfully distract me. From probably everything that's problematic about that. 'cause I was just so enthralled with the fact that someone spent time making this.

Nichole: I was trying to guess what the next word was gonna be and notice that they, I mean, they changed up the meter about halfway through.

Daniel: Yeah. These, these people, these people are not sonnet masters.

Nichole: This is what Is the redacted forever. Is that the name of a place or is that

Daniel: No, I just always say redacted when I don't want to say their profile name.

Daniel: Redacted profile name for life.

Nichole: That's what I don't understand. Why is it their own pro? It's like if I said Nicole for life, like at the end of all my text messages, why would I do that?

Daniel: Wait, maybe it's not their profile name. Wait, Oh shit. It's not at all. What is it? What is it? It, but they abbreviate it. Wonderlust Couple, but it's all one word. And couple is spelled CPL Wonderlust Couple for Life.

Daniel: It wa Wanderlust What? Wander. No, Wonderlust. Wonderlust What? Wonderlust.

Nichole: Wonderlust Couple for life.

Daniel: Yes.

Nichole: And that is not their username?

Daniel: No, that's probably their nonprofit.

Daniel: They're broke. They're, they're letting you know that they're anti-choice right at the end.

Laurel: Okay. So Happily Married, attached at the hip. Only play together.

Daniel: It's very concise. Like it looks like somebody looked at our Bingo card. Our bingo card. Yeah,

Laurel: let's get it all in there. Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Laurel: Someone just got bingo.

Daniel: I do appreciate the concision. Honestly, the, the rhyme scheme kind of forces them to shove it all in quick. I appreciate the convi

Laurel: too. Wait.

Daniel: If I was doing a pro privacy, I would've said concision. Fine.

Nichole: Is this all written in like paragraphs?

Nichole: Not like actual stanzas.

Daniel: These people do not understand how poetry works.

Nichole: Okay. Who's being elitist now? No, now it just kind of reads like Dr. Seuss. That's, that's what I was saying. Dr. Seus does not do stanzas.

Laurel: Oh, you were trying to get us to Dr. Seuss land. Yeah, I know.

Nichole: That's

Laurel: what

Nichole: it, I forgot. I forgot about that little tangent at the beginning.

Nichole: Now I get it.

Laurel: Now I get it. You were trying to make us Who's and Whoville?

Laurel: Floppy. Top hats. Oh fuck. Okay.

Daniel: Floppy. Top hats. Hats. You should have said

Laurel: green eggs and ham or some shit. Yeah.

Daniel: That would've given it away. Like I didn't want you to know that it was going to be, oh, rhyming from top to bottom I wanted to just highlight a couple of things from the profile itself. So folded in here is some like really intense, , codependent, never losing physical contact with each other kind of language.

Daniel: Death to us part is what we cheer attached at the hip. Only play as a couple. They're like conjoined.

Laurel: Yeah, you don't need to address the most morbid wedding vows within your profile.

Nichole: Also, I feel like the word till is really important in that vow. It's just going death to you part.

Nichole: It just feels, oh, it feels dark.

Daniel: Do you think their whole wedding vows were rhyming and all about how they're never going to let an inch of air between their skin? Yes, and on that day when you go to the coffin, I'll come running along and cheerfully hop in.

Nichole: so they're

Daniel: Laurel. Are you trying to think of other morbid? No, I'm just thinking

Laurel: about coffin and hopping.

Daniel: Sometimes you need a near rhyme when the rules that do soften.

Oh God.

Daniel: I am mad that you brought

Laurel: this one. Here's the thing is like, I don't remember that profile at all anymore. I just remember that it was goofy rhymes. That's all I remember about it now.

Nichole: Yeah. Yeah. None of the information actually stuck with me.

Laurel: Yeah, I don't think any of it was information.

Daniel: I don't know. They've got all the basic shit in there. They got the, we shall never lose eye contact with each other even when we're fucking you kind of thing.

Daniel: They've got the travel and leisure mm-hmm. Are who we are. Yes. , Hotels with four stars.

Nichole: Oh, they're professionals. And so They they cover their faces with emojis. Exactly. Yeah.

Daniel: Professional and fit.

Daniel: Yeah.

Nichole: Oh

Laurel: man. Do they

Nichole: talk about what they want?

Laurel: No, I don't think so. I think that's the thing is they made a laundry list of like things we would consider red flags, IE bingo squares. And, and they just talk about themselves.

Nichole: Yeah. They don't talk about what they're looking for, who they're looking for, what they're interested in.

Nichole: They're

Daniel: looking for quadruples. The only time. Yeah, the only time that they like exhibit some knowledge that they are speaking to another being, you know, with their rhyme is, thank you for listening. So maybe that's their requirement, is that, that you tolerate them speaking like this nonstop.

Nichole: And do they switch off?

Nichole: Each person says

Daniel: one the other drawing, they're like, star Trek, nars. Yeah.

Nichole: Thank you for listening. I don't know why that bothers me so much. Yeah, it also bothers me too.

Daniel: Is it the over like formality of it? Does it remind you too much of it's good to see you.

Nichole: No, I think it's the presum presumption of that. I appreciated that poem. It's like, thank

Laurel: you so

Nichole: much for listening. Like, like we

Laurel: showed up to their poetry slam Yes. And and got concessions mm-hmm. At the theater mm-hmm. And sat down and they're like, thank you for coming. Yes. That's, and you're like, what feels like I didn't come to this

Nichole: for you?

Daniel: I mean, I kind of wanted to like this one. Like I wanted to be like, oh, okay. You came with a playful conceit.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Daniel: But the entire content of it is still all the same fucking toxic shit.

Daniel: Totally. Of every other unicorn hunter profile.

Yep.

Daniel: And they can't really rhyme.

Laurel: I was gonna say that like of any episode, maybe this is the episode where you throw in one of your wraps just so like the audience, , knows what a good rhyming scheme sounds like so they can see your bonafides.

Laurel: Yeah. And know that , there is something other than just absolute arrogance behind your judgment.

Daniel: You know? So they just know that I'm more than a brilliant mind in a beautiful face.

Laurel: Yeah. That you're also a brilliant rapper,

Daniel: a middle aged white Jewish rapper in the cardigan.

Laurel: Aw.

Daniel: Shall we look at some pictures? Yes.

Laurel: Yeah.

Laurel: Standard at a rave

Nichole: pick. They're at a rave. Emojis are covering their faces. They're in like glow in the dark, black light clothing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Daniel: Remember when we were talking about that one karaoke bar that had all the nineties? Oh, I

Nichole: loved that karaoke bar.

Daniel: It was a wonderful karaoke bar that was a bird bath store during the day. So the whole patio was just filled with bird baths and statuary at night.

Daniel: And then inside, behind where you would do the karaoke, it was all day glow nineties, like alien paintings. these guys look like they were drawn by the Yes. Delo nineties painters, or

Nichole: I don't know how old they are.

Nichole: Yeah, they did the drawings.

Daniel: Yeah.

Nichole: Like we love frogs making peace signs sitting on tote stools.

Daniel: I mean, I'm not totally against it.

Laurel: I'm not either. Yeah.

Daniel: No.

Laurel: I fucking love

Daniel: the space room.

Nichole: It brings back great memories.

Daniel: Yeah. , I'm glad that you can remember it.

Laurel: Riding a bull out. A rave in a rave hoodie. So this is all they do?

Daniel: Yeah, they live in their dig glow onesies.

Laurel: Mm-hmm.

Daniel: Shirtless. Oh,

Laurel: he has a face though. He has a face.

Daniel: He does. I think it's stuck in that expression, but

Daniel: can all of you hear that expression? Yeah, that's the expression. Hear the facial expression. Like his mouth just opens up on a hinge. Like a, yeah, like

Nichole: Peter.

Daniel: I like Peter. Oh, I guess he's got a little smirk in this one.

Laurel: Oh yeah.

Daniel: Sailor cap.

Nichole: I don't understand why they had an entire stanza about hiding their faces,

Laurel: Yeah, maybe they updated the picture since then and they decided that they don't have to be as discreet.

Daniel: Maybe these are pictures of other people.

Nichole: Oh my god.

Daniel: Maybe this is like a buffalo bill kind of thing.

Nichole: What

Daniel: Buffalo? Bob

Nichole: Buffalo from Silence of the Lambs.

Daniel: Yeah.

Nichole: How like

Laurel: put on other people's skin. Okay. Moving on.

Daniel: all right. Now pictures of her

Laurel: brown sweater. Okay. There's no face in it. It's just like as if you were taking a cute selfie from above. , But it's just from the neckline of your sweater down and it's like kind of baggy.

Laurel: So there's not even like, cleavage or anything. It's literally just fabric.

Daniel: This is a genre. Remember our last unicorn hunters? There was the guy who just had the flannel torso.

Laurel: I do remember F flannel torso. Yeah,

Daniel: yeah, yeah. So this is not completely, but.

Nichole: Oh my God.

Daniel: So I guess it's a thing with her, so this next picture is again, just from the nose down. Like from the lip, from the upper lip down.

Laurel: Yeah, like biting, seatbelt, selfie, seatbelt, selfie, biting the lip.

Laurel: These are like, that is the kind of thing where like, I'll take that picture if I'm nude and like taking a hot bod picture, but the lens isn't wide enough to fit my entire face in it. And so you do get like the sexy biting the lip thing,

Daniel: You take nude seatbelt selfies. Why don't I receive any of these?

Nichole: No, Laurel, that is exclusively the kind of photo that I take for people. It is if, if the bottom half of my face is present at all. Yeah, yeah. Then it is biting my lip. Exactly. But it is exclusively from the neck down for showing off hot cleavage.

Nichole: Yeah. And maybe, maybe you get a topless photo, but I'm covering Oh, nice. Like my nip, like I truly, like, I I don't really take actual nudes.

Daniel: Mm.

Nichole: Okay.

Daniel: Yeah. Nicole is a fucking master of the almost nude,

Laurel: which is very alluring. , It's my specialty. Yeah. Classy, sexy, nude.

Laurel: Sometimes I get them on your. Well, you don't do it in your Sunday's friends list.

Nichole: I don't do it anymore. Yeah, that's a bummer. 'cause I deleted Instagram.

Daniel: Bummer for me. If you would like more alluring, almost nudes of Nicole,

Nichole: finish that sentence. Finish it. Because Nicole would love to know. It could, it could be the only way that I like actually get to actually connect with anybody.

Daniel: And to complete the triptych. Here is one more picture of this lady from the upper lip down. At least you can kind of see her boobs in this one

Laurel: at least there's kind of cleavage in that. Yeah. But like still very disappointing. That's like 2004

Nichole: cleavage because it's a shiny bodice.

Nichole: Yeah. Yeah.

Daniel: In counterpoint. Mm-hmm. To our gentleman's profile today, which as you recall was a Dr. Seuss poem. She says, Las Vegas. Date range,

Nichole: uh, Uhhuh. And that's it.

Daniel: That's it.

Nichole: That's, yeah. Yeah. I mean, her partner's profile does so much heavy lifting.

Daniel: Would you call that heavy lifting, or, or is it that, you know, she lifts and then he like, puts weight on it to drag it back down? Mm,

mm-hmm. Right? Mm-hmm.

Daniel: Like, it's like that one profile when we did my invitation to love how you guys cho, how you guys cho, how, how you guys chose, you totally

Laurel: cho it.

Daniel: You guys chose the profile with nothing in it. Hers is far more alluring than his right. It's like great. Las Vegas, this date range. Hot torso I'm in. And then he's like, long, bad Dr. Seuss rhyme. That's true. Yeah. About codependency.

Nichole: Let me sing you a shanty about

me and my partner. What? With a drunken sailor would you like to you Nicole, we don't have to watch porn.

Daniel: Alright. Alright. Yes. And. Can you do it in a Mary Poppins stick fan dyke accent?

Nichole: Oh, would you luck to gain a cold? We don't have to watch porn. You are lip syncing to my stupid stuff. I am never going to be in a community theater production of Mary Poppins with you.

Daniel: Oh my God, man, that's, that sucks. That was my long game.

Daniel: Married for eight years. Finally a Mary Poppins dream gig and I was gonna play Mary

Laurel: duh. I was gonna play the coat rack that you pull out of your magic bag.

I'm sorry.

Nichole: Everything else is a prop. Even even the talking like umbrella head is like a puppet, but for some reason just the, the is laurel

Nichole: stop. Still trying not to breathe I hard carpet.

Daniel: Now I am also imagining. Beauty in the beast. . All the anthropomorphic. Yes. The candelabra. Yeah. But they're all nervous. Laurel,

Daniel: we

are guest. We guest.

Nichole: Oh God. All right. How do we rate these people?

Daniel: All right, I'm like

lightheaded.

Daniel: Fuck.

Nichole: No. No.

Nichole: So self-aggrandizement.

Daniel: I think pretty high. Pretty high. I'm gonna give him like an eight.

Nichole: I was gonna give him an eight too. I mean they sprinkle in like four star hotels and adventure is the next plan.

Nichole: Or like whatever the fuck.

Daniel: Always, always the plan. Adventure

Nichole: is always the plan. Don't

Daniel: you fucking relax

Nichole: for wonder? Last couple. Forever. Forever. For life. For life. But also subjecting me to that rhyme and thinking that I would want it.

Laurel: Yeah. Thank you for listening. I'll say seven, whatever

Nichole: to

Laurel: be contrary.

Laurel: Yeah. I don't know.

Daniel: I kept thinking like the thank you for listening was the one note of some self-awareness that it was like difficult. To listen to. Maybe the wife came and just typed that at the end. Like he did the whole rhyme.

Daniel: And she's like, thank you, thank you for this one. Thank you for listening to him.

Laurel: Yeah. It was just, it was like that awkward moment where everyone became kind of like aware of the situation

Nichole: when they go out to a restaurant, he's like slightly kind of passive aggressive to the waiter.

Nichole: And so she overcompensates with, thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank

Laurel: Um, Arbitrary rules.

Daniel: None. Thank you for listening.

Nichole: Yeah. There weren't really any, yeah, I have no idea what they're looking

Laurel: for. Yeah. I don't know either. But you have to play together, so I think that ranks as something they're attached at the hip.

Laurel: So you have to play with them as a carnival sideshow.

Daniel: And just so you know, we have no problem with actual conjoined twins.

Laurel: Yeah. Yes. I'm sorry. I apologize. Thank you.

Daniel: And in fact, if you are, thank you so much. If you are a pair of conjoined twins, please both of you write in to Paul Amateur, our Okay. Alright. Did we all write them?

Laurel: No, we didn't give a number. Yeah. I'll say

Daniel: 4, 3, 2,

Laurel: 1. Blast off wood.

Nichole: We unicorn. No, no,

Daniel: no. I would not fuck them in a house.

Daniel: I would not fuck his delow blouse.

Laurel: Okay. Can I share my mini unicorn hunter? Yes. If stu, if you haven't gotten bingo yet, you're about to get bingo.

Laurel: wait, I have, I have to read their profile names, like it's part of the fun.

Daniel: Okay.

Laurel: First up we have Caesar's Fallis.

Nichole: Oh, and I, I'm mad 'cause I like

Laurel: that. And we're in, we're in Vegas, obviously.

Yeah.

Laurel: And it just says we're a couple that enjoys many acronyms. E-N-M-E-D, M-E-D-C-C-V-S and occasionally BLT. Alright. Alright. And then we have the woman's profile.

Laurel: Her username is Bellagio Ho. Yes.

Daniel: This is the Vegas themed Vegas profile. Yes. Yes. That Nicole has been wanting Yes. For ages Little, little Las Vegas in their pants.

Laurel: Yes. And her profile's a little bit longer. It just says, I'm a Vegas local. Filipina. My wonderful partner of seven years is Italian. I work in hospitality. I like hiking, paddle boarding and history.

Laurel: We like bad jokes and morbid documentaries. We really don't drink, but we'll have one on occasion. We have a 9-year-old fur child, Spock. Yeah. What

Daniel: I've never cheered at the end of a unicorn hunter before.

Nichole: Oh my God, I feel like this was made for us. Look how cute they are. What the fuck? They're so cute.

Laurel: I thought it was too good not to share,

Nichole: like, oh, no, thank you. They're, yeah. Thank you.

Daniel: So real quick Suffolk Aggrandizement four. Yeah. They're.

Nichole: Yeah.

Laurel: Okay. They're showed off how funny they were.

Laurel: Okay.

Daniel: This is the difference between somebody who's smart and charming, doing a funny conceit Yes. And somebody who is not.

Laurel: Yes,

Daniel: yes. Yeah. Okay.

Laurel: Yes.

Daniel: And arbitrary rules.

Daniel: There are

none. None.

Zero. Zero, right.

Daniel: would we unicorn for them?

Laurel: Yes, yes.

Daniel: Yes. Do you want to write to them?

Laurel: Oh fuck. 'cause we're gonna be in

Nichole: Vegas. I know. Exactly. Oh, shit. And there's Star Trek fans and there's, we're not gonna have any time, but, but we'll make time for Bellagio Ho or we'll make them fans now.

Nichole: Oh yeah. And then they can come with us to the Stewart Meetup at Pepper Mill. Yes.

Daniel: And then they will get their pictures with us that they will then put in their field profiles that then we will come across later and be like, Hey, who are these Hotties? And the cycle continues. Yeah.

Laurel: So what's next? It's time to ask the amateurs.

Daniel: Ask the

Nichole: amateurs, I've said this before, we already have a theme song. We already have a song,

Daniel: That's part of the joy. I'm really trying to get a, we already have a theme song out of Nicole. Is that

Laurel: our own personal bingo? Yeah.

Daniel: We should make a Nicole Bingo card for an episode.

Daniel: An, oh God. We already have a theme song.

Nichole: I hate it.

Daniel: What's next? Uh, go on, baby.

Laurel: Did, did we answer the question? Did

Daniel: we answer the question?

Nichole: Oh my God, I'm so one dimensional and I'm so predictable. Are you just

Daniel: adding those to the bingo card? No, no. I was just thinking, I was just thinking, I'm sorry. Is another one of them.

Daniel: Yeah. Right. Going to the bathroom. While we record,

Nichole: I drink so much water. Yeah,

Daniel: I'm good. You're super hydrated.

Nichole: All right, what's the question?

Laurel: All right. As a poly person out in the wild, sometimes I meet cute folks and flirting will commence, or a woman will hit on me at my place of work, a brewery, while I try to bring up my poly practice very early in conversations, I wonder how the amateurs approach this when meeting people in the wild.

Laurel: It also happens sometimes where we don't have the conversation before, exchanging numbers, and once I bring it up, we'll often get ghosted. How do you deal with the frequent post poly convo rejection?

Daniel: I pretty much exclusively meet people online these days. Yeah. Once in a while in the wild. , So then I just do the ghosting, you know, before the ghost Me JJ jk, jk,

Nichole: jk. I was hoping that you guys would have some like, good, solid advice. 'cause i'm not on the apps, I'm not on social media.

Nichole: I'm kind of hoping to meet someone in the wild. I have a quick story about this. Yeah. , So one of the guys I was dating for a little bit, we decided to just be friends. And so we meet at this one coffee shop that's near his apartment.

Nichole: And, , there's a really, really cute barista there. And so I was telling him, I was like, God, that barista is cute. He's ugh. And like, you know, I'm not wearing my glasses, but I think we're making eye contact across the coffee shop. And so

Daniel: To him. You just look like one of those cat clocks where the eyes are just drifting back and forth like a silo.

Nichole: Yeah. Um, so he was telling me, he was like, well, but do you think because you're with me, that like he'll think that maybe like, we're on a date and you're not available. And I was like, I think the wedding ring would probably be the first clue that I might not be available. .

Nichole: So he was like, okay, well you have to ask for his phone number. And I was like. Coffee shop is not a lady bank. Like I, I feel weird about hitting on people in their place of work.

Nichole: I know, I know baby. And so he, unbeknownst to me, went up to this guy a couple weeks after and didn't ask for his phone number. Said, Hey, has anyone asked for your phone number lately?

Daniel: So Stu Stu, if you were listening, this is an example of how not to go about it. And

Nichole: I was like, well, what did he say?

Nichole: And he said, no, why didn't you do it? I thought you were gonna do it. And I was like, I, but I mean, but, and I was like, okay, but what else did he say? Did he seem interested? Like, you know, and he was like, oh. He said, well, they'd probably be disappointed 'cause I, I'm not single. And I was like, okay, well that's my answer. I was like, you've done the work for me. Yeah. Thank you, sir.

Daniel: it's really funny.

Laurel: Now I'm just, has anybody asked for your number lately? Yeah. What the fuck? I think, actually, I think that's the line you use now and then they reveal. Like, no disappointing I'm in the market, or no, they'll be disappointed 'cause I'm not in the market.

Daniel: Or they just think this person is super fucking shifty and I'm gonna, I'm gonna bust out any lie I can to get them to fucking back off.

Daniel: It strikes me as like, like the worst private detective question

ever. So, uh, anybody, anybody asked for your, uh, number lately?

Laurel: No reason, no reason. Just wondering. I'm doing a survey. Hi. I work for the local paper.

Nichole: He's got like a, like a trench coat on and a hat that has press in the

Daniel: brim. Oh my god. So. I do happen to know that the stubbert riding in today

mm-hmm.

Daniel: Does not live in the city. Yeah. This Stubbert is friend of the pod lives outside of the city. Mm-hmm. By a couple hours and I know this town that, that he lives in Uhhuh. Of course you're gonna mostly meet Normies in a brewery.

Yeah.

Daniel: In a smaller Oregon town. Yeah.

Yeah.

Daniel: Um, these are not gonna be people who are poly.

Daniel: Of course, when they find out about it, they're going to ghost you. And so I would say. Like, it's not a completely losing game, but the, the number of people that you are going to have to flirt with is going to be really exhausting for you. Yeah. Yeah. Like, you're gonna, , you know, every day, do your reps talk to 10 people, , maybe you'll find one person who is going to tolerate your disgusting sex life.

Nichole: Alright. But location aside. Yeah.

Laurel: when I talk to people, in the wild talking to people, often, I will make it known right away.

Laurel: Yeah. Like that. I have multiple partners, like I put myself in the driver's seat. Mm-hmm. Like I'm doing the investigation of like. Are you compatible with me?

Mm. Not

Laurel: Am I okay for you? Not Will you like me? It is. Am I gonna like you?

Yeah.

Laurel: Yes. And one of the requirements of am I gonna like you is are you non-monogamous or willing to experiment Yeah.

Laurel: In that world? Yeah.

Nichole: I super agree with like early as possible. Yeah. , I don't know that I'm successful with this, but I do say.

Nichole: One of my partners. Yes. Yeah. Like that's the line that I use. Yeah. To drop that, like I'm non-monogamous. Yeah. Is like, oh yeah. One of my partners really likes that movie. I'm just trying to Yeah. Like Breadcrumb a little bit. Yeah. And then see how they'll respond.

Daniel: Drop it definitely before like a number exchange.

Daniel: Right.

Nichole: For sure. Yeah.

Daniel: . If you let it be known that you are non-monogamous, they will often let it be known that they are monogamous in an equally indirect way and be like, oh yeah, my husband, oh yeah, my partner.

Daniel: Mm-hmm. Oh yeah, my boyfriend singular. Mm-hmm. like it sucks sometimes when you will drop that and you see the, , the recoil. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And in those instances, great. You've made a friend maybe or an enemy. Yeah. Um, and I think maybe being open to that first and foremost, like looking at these interactions with people in the wild mm-hmm.

Daniel: As just simply flirtatious interactions with human beings. Yeah. That could end up as friendships. Yeah. I think that there's the kind of mono normative or heteronormative, both just normative perspective of looking at each interaction between you and a person of a gender that you're attracted to as perhaps a.

Daniel: Um, uh, prelude to romance.

Laurel: Yeah, let go A little bit of the outcome. it's really nice to look at people and think of like all the possibilities. Mm-hmm. But you can't get attached to those possibilities before you've even had the, what is your relationship mm-hmm.

Laurel: Model. Hmm. Conversation. Mm-hmm. That is definitely too early to get

Nichole: Yeah.

Laurel: Attached to any kind of possibility. I feel like

Nichole: I think for general advice though, , you're gonna swing and miss a lot.

Nichole: Yeah. Dependent on the context, like maybe drop it as early as possible and let go of the outcome,

Laurel: and stop going after Normies, you know? Well, you can't tell though. Yeah. Sometimes you just don't know.

Daniel: okay. You can actually tell, I think a lot from a first glance and a second glance. Like if you really look at somebody. If you really, , observe how they act, like you can tell more than you always think that you can.

Laurel: Yeah. Then you'll allow yourself to see.

Daniel: Yeah. And if you see that there's a dead end, nine times outta 10, you will conceal that information from yourself.

Daniel: You'll avail the information from yourself that the relationship will not work out.

Laurel: You can sort of lie to yourselves to make someone else look better. To make a relationship look better and you can lie to yourselves to make a relationship look worse.

Nichole: Did we answer the question? Bingo.

Daniel: Shall we move along home?

Nichole: Yes.

Daniel: Well, to close us out today, I do have a story of a special kind.

Mm-hmm.

Daniel: It's a poll in public invasion of provi.

Nichole: Yeah. In order to get the word provity out of my mouth, I feel like I have to whip my head a little bit. Prov Pro. Pro. It's like a, the name of a cologne. Oh

Laurel: yeah. Turn to camera two.

Laurel: Pro, provi pro. So I go to a little barber shop down the road. It's typically, dude tastic,

Daniel: I think there might be some taxidermy. , Do they offer you a bourbon? Yeah. That kind of thing. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And a couple months ago, I went in for my usual haircut. Mm-hmm. And, it was with a different barber than I, than I usually see. And so he was like shooting the shit with me, asking me about stuff.

Daniel: I was talking about that I was going to go record my podcast later on.

Mm-hmm.

Daniel: And he is like, what's the podcast about? And I was like, oh, it's about polyamory. I do it with my two partners. And it wasn't awkward at all with this barber. Mm-hmm. Because. The idol barber who wasn't cutting anyone's hair from all the way across the barbershop, heard the word polyamory and his antennas came out.

Daniel: He's

Laurel: end Dorian.

Daniel: Yeah. And he made a beehive for me.

Nichole: Nice. He's like,

Daniel: oh my God, do I have a story for you? And he like perches himself on the edge of this like couch, He tells me this epic shit show of a story that really has very little to do with actual polyamory. Sure. Okay. Classic.

Yeah.

Daniel: So he is like, with this woman, and they try to open the relationship up like she, she wants to open the relationship up.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: Do you know how long they've been together at this point, or no?

Daniel: I do not. Okay. I can, I can improvise though. Yeah. Details make it up. Yeah. They were together for about two years. Like this is a deep relationship. Okay. Um, you know, they had had some difficulties at first because their families didn't really get along background.

Daniel: Okay.

Laurel: She's Russian. He's Ukrainian. Yeah.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: There's a lot

Daniel: of violence within the home. Drone attacks from one, from bedroom to bathroom. It's rough. Anyways, so at first, they're like dating other people and as soon as he meets somebody mm-hmm. That he really likes mm-hmm. She like, is like, oh, I think that we should shut this down again.

Daniel: Of course. And then when she meets somebody in everyday life

mm-hmm.

Daniel: Later on she wants to start seeing, she's like, I think we should revisit opening up our relationship. And to his description, this happens like multiple times. Oh man. Like, the last time that this happens is somebody that they're trying to see together. Trying to kind of throuple it up. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. she decides that she's not feeling it this evening, but she, expresses it as well, I'm kind of tired, I'm gonna go upstairs.

Daniel: You guys have a good time. So he takes this to mean. You guys have a good time.

Laurel: Uhhuh Uhhuh

Daniel: wrong. A good time. Wrong. Yeah. Obviously wrong. , They bang, she comes back down, I think post banging and is is like, , how do you, you fucking bastards, you know? No. Just loses her shit. ,

Daniel: Oh my God. I mean, she should have known that this would happen to her. That she would have this reaction. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. I'm, 'cause she put herself, I'm sorry. She put herself in the place of the attic ghost. She of the attic ghost partner. Oh yeah. She's upstairs. And then Theban, she screams start coming from within the, the haunted place.

Daniel: Is she the Banshee screaming? Yes.

Laurel: Okay.

Daniel: Oh, the Banshee's screaming from her own mind.. Okay. Okay. All right.

Daniel: Fast forward to, they've closed down the relationship. What?

Nichole: They didn't just fucking break up. Okay, go on. Yeah, no, no,

Daniel: no, no, no, no, no. Much, much more than this. , She's like a teacher and , like she's driving them around for, you know, various errands.

Daniel: And she has to do like this conference, she says, with a student's parent.

Mm-hmm. Okay.

Daniel: But the student's parent is at his apartment. Like she's doing a conference

at

Daniel: the home. She has to have a parent teacher

Laurel: meeting

Daniel: at this parent's home?

Laurel: Yes. Okay.

Daniel: Yeah. And so he is like waiting in the car wa.

Daniel: While she is doing this parent teacher conference. Okay. And, he sees this cat that he recognized that was the cat of the guy that she was dating earlier. When she wanted to open up When they opened up. Yeah. Okay. So known cat.

Daniel: And then she comes back to the car and she seems kind of flushed.

Daniel: And she was like, oh yeah, it was kind of a hard, hard conference. Oh my God. And then there are. Driving away and he sees the guy, like getting on this bicycle down the block. That was her ex. So she sees this guy and like, almost gets in a car accident like swerves and then is like, Hey, do you wanna go see the new Marvel movie? . I must turn this vehicle quickly. So you do not see boyfriend So fast forward months later, he is telling me this story and he's like, and I just figured this out. It all clicked. It was like the end of usual suspects. It was like the end of usual suspects when Ed Norton stops limping. Yeah.

Nichole: Ed Norton. Isn't it Ed Norton? No, that's, , Kevin Spacey.

Daniel: You're just thinking of Ed Norton because of the Hulk

Nichole: and Fight Club. Yeah. Laurel's having a moment. Jesus. Okay.

Daniel: You're blocking out, fuck Kevin Spacey.

Daniel: You just recast him in your mind. The same way that they recast him in all the movies that he is working on at that time. Yes. Shit,

Laurel: you are right.

Daniel: Yeah. So,

Laurel: wow.

Daniel: Okay. I'm

Laurel: sorry to bring him up.

Daniel: So, drops the cup, you know it shatters. Yeah. Yeah. And he realizes it was the same boyfriend all along. so. That day he is like, and yes, we have therapy later on today, and I am going to confront her about it.

Daniel: Oh my God. I like put this on pause because I'm like, okay, I need to figure out what happened before I share this poly and public invasion of pro privacy. And I also need to know that I'm not going to be endangering a relationship. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. By, by laying out the story Right. In detail.

Daniel: Um, you know, with

cat and the, you know,

Daniel: the cat. It's the most haunting part. Yeah.

Nichole: It's feels very, um, inside Lewin Davis.

Daniel: So I just wanna say this is a really particular type of poly and public invasion of pricy where somebody wants to tell you their incredibly shitty experience with quote unquote poly. Yes. Like a stranger hears the word polly Yes. Goes to you and is like, I have been through the valley of death.

Mm-hmm.

Daniel: Let me tell you.

Mm-hmm.

Daniel: , So one, sharing this as part of my crusade. In order to get people to stop positioning their terrible failed monogamy stories as, as polyamory stories. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, so fast forward a little bit, right? I go back to this place like months later. And he's not working. Mm-hmm. But I bring it up, I'm like, oh, hey, where's redacted? I kind of want to talk about this on the podcast. And just wanted to, just wanted to talk to 'em. And they're like. He told that story to everyone who came into this barber shop for two months.

Daniel: We have heard it. And, and part of the reason why I have so much more detail now is because we are talking about the story that both of his coworkers have heard.

Oh my God.

Daniel: Like a hundred times.

Laurel: Wow. Yeah. All right. So he really needed to get this off his chest to he, he, he did whomever. Yeah. Yeah.

Nichole: Are they still together?

Daniel: No, they have since broken up.

Nichole: Okay. All right. All right. So you telling the story is not going to ruin a relationship.

Daniel: Yeah. Got it.

Laurel: Relationship already ruined all, all on its own. Exactly.

Nichole: From the beginning. Really?

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: Wow. What fucking balls, man. Yeah, like. Making your partner drive you to the fuck place.

Nichole: Yeah.

Laurel: The

Nichole: fuck place disguising it as a parent teacher conference quote unquote. Yeah. That is taking place inside that. How, how dumb do you think your partner is? Yeah. But what makes me feel bad about saying that is that he didn't figure it out for like months. Yeah. That makes me feel super judgmental.

Laurel: I feel like, well, I feel like you have, there's certain amount of like sort of good faith that you have to have in a person to allow them to keep opening and closing your relationship based on their own desire to get fucked, but their inability to confront their own uncomfortable emotions.

Laurel: Yeah. Like there is a certain amount of, uh, yeah, just goodwill that you have to be like constantly throwing out there,

Daniel: or you just have to be like. Really codependent in the way that you cannot bear their wrath. Right? Like there are relationships where you are so avoidant of angering the person at all that as soon as she's like, okay, let's close it down.

Daniel: You're like, okay, let's close it down.

Laurel: Yeah, yeah. Like it's also a possibility.

Daniel: Yeah. Like I don't know that there's necessarily respect or fear. Like I feel like the other motivation for that is fear.

Laurel: I don't think it's respect. Yeah. I think it's just like rose colored glasses sort of. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. This feels

Nichole: like dating in my twenties.

Nichole: Yeah. This really like the excuses Yeah. That I came up with for shitty behavior. Yeah, yeah, yeah. From exes is like, wow, I could, I could teach a masterclass in lying to yourself.

Laurel: Oh,

Daniel: yeah. Yeah. Now when, when confronted. In therapy, which I happen to know about via the other two. Oh my God. Yeah. What happened?

Daniel: She completely denied it and just blew up at him. Ah. So this could all mean one, she is the most deceitful, duplicitous, or as people that I worked with used to say, duplicative.

Nichole: Duplicative. I had it the other way. I had a coworker who meant duplicative, but said duplicitous.

Nichole: Yeah. This record's duplicitous.

Daniel: What did it do? Behave badly over and over and over again. Um, oh. Either that. Or all of this is in his mind.

Laurel: Yeah,

Daniel: this is a real is it the usual suspects or is it Fight Club? And is Edward Norton in it at all?

Laurel: Is Ed here?

Nichole: Yeah. You just, sorry, you just blew my mind. Just

Daniel: was the, oh my God. Was the cat reel if the Cat's real? Oh my God. Is, is the story true? Wait, are we

Nichole: in the Matrix now? What the fuck? How many cinematic references had we made? Fight Club Usual Suspects The Matrix inside Lewin Davis. But I'm also thinking a simple man because of the Schrodinger's cat. Bingo.

Nichole: Done Finn