Nichole: I have Smash mouth stuck in my head and I'm real mad about it.

Laurel: All Star.

Nichole: not all Star. The one that's like, I can't get enough of of you, baby. Anyways, I'm just saying that I'm mad.

Daniel (2): I don't

Daniel (2): Think that really explains why you're mad. I think that, you know, you're just mad

Nichole: just in general.

Nichole: Yeah, Yeah. That's true. I'm mad just in general.

Laurel: the whole like rhetoric about like, oh, you gotta like get in touch with your feelings and feel your feelings and like don't intellectualize your feelings. I think I've like taken it .

Laurel: Too seriously, to the extent where like, I'm like, well, am I having feelings that I'm repressing or intellectualizing into something else?

Noise: Yes.

Nichole: Don't, no, Daniel.

Now I'm mad.

Nichole: And you know that you're mad, you've identified that you're mad.

Laurel: Good job me. Done. And done.

Daniel: Laurel, you're a pressure cooker. Like you get mad and the lid goes on tight. Right. And then the, and then is that what

Laurel: pressure cookers do?

Daniel: Yeah. And then it just starts shaking after a while.

Daniel: And then there's like a little,

Laurel: a little hole in the top. Yeah. And all the steam is fizzing out of it. . Yeah. Okay. Sure. Yeah.

Daniel: And Nicole, you're a straight up kettle with a nice shriek

Nichole: Yeah. My entire purpose is just to boil water and let you know that water is boiling.

Daniel: I'm a pizza oven, just kind of a constant low grade flame, but you don't really notice it because it's just always there

Nichole: in the backyard.

Daniel: Yeah.

Nichole: Only used for special occasions

Nichole: and it points at you. That's what you do when you get angry, you 0.0

Daniel: yeah. It's visually apparent.

Laurel: Yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the pressure cooker's not visually apparent.

Nichole (2): I think a pressure Cooker is visually and a. Audibly apparent. Yeah. Tea Kettle just audible is, it's mostly audible.

Nichole (2): Yeah.

Daniel: I love how much you're analyzing my half-ass metaphors.

Nichole: I just wanna go back to what Laurel was saying and make sure that she's okay.

Nichole: I'm fine. I think, I don't know. Who knows? I'm not sure if it's a problem

Laurel: or not. Mm-hmm. I don't think that's a problem. Like my therapist hasn't said it's a problem.

Noise: Mm-hmm.

Laurel: But Daniel thinks it's a problem. Apparently just by the look he's given, by the way he's pointing at me from across the table.

Daniel: That's a hard question to answer. So, you know, now I feel like we should just dedicate the rest of this episode to psychoanalyzing Laurel.

Daniel: I can often tell you're mad before you know you're mad.

Daniel: Oh, let me rephrase that. Okay. I can, I can tell you're mad before you'll say that you're mad.

Yeah, yeah. Okay.

Daniel: And I'll be like, are you mad? And you'll be like, no. And I'll be like, are you sure? And you'll be like, no.

Laurel: Well, you're making me angry by asking about it. Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah.

Laurel: Yeah.

Laurel: Oh. Welcome to Poly Amateur Hour.

Daniel: I'm Daniel.

Laurel: I'm Nicole. And I'm Laurel.

Daniel: And we're not as angry as we seem.

Nichole: I don't know.

Daniel: Except for Nicole.

Nichole: We had an entire episode dedicated to me being angry, so

Nichole: maybe we should each have one. Everyone gets the angry femur and we just, we just pass it around. I think it's the femur of anger. Femur of anger. Yeah.

Nichole: It's the conch shell. In our Lord of the Flies.

Daniel: like a bone to pick special. Mmm

Laurel: Mm.

Daniel: It's just bones from end to end

Nichole: We talk a lot about bones on this show.

Daniel: It's true, but we've given up with the double entendres. We used to go so hard, so to speak, and now these days, we let it go right by.

Laurel: It's implied.

Nichole (2): True stewards know.

Daniel: True stewards know

Daniel: the looks that I'm giving,

Laurel: Yeah. Mm-hmm. If you know the look Daniel's giving, take a selfie of it. Send it into us. , Speaking of sending things into us, I am so impressed. At like.

Laurel: How many responses we got about polyamorous birds. Yeah.

Nichole: And really like responses in general. Yes. Like love seeing the inbox light up. stewards if you have things to send to us, , be they bones to pick, be they pip iops, be they you're coming across a polyamorous bird, you can send those things to us at Poly amateur hour@gmail.com.

Nichole: You can go to our website and submit things anonymously that includes questions. So we definitely need questions, at poly amateur hour.com. Or you can DM us on Instagram at Poly Amateur Hour.

Daniel: Or blue sky.

Nichole: Fuck me. I always forget Blue sky.

Daniel: What are you fucking alt-Right?

Laurel: I'm just obsessed with Blue Sky now. One because of, our stubbert who added the baseline to our music. Mm-hmm. And open Pike Night and a couple of porn stars. I just like message with them all day and please God. Nice.

Laurel: And I love it. God, that's so great.

Daniel: Bringing 'em into the fold. Bring '

Laurel: em in the fold. It's the, a strange smattering of Star Trek and pornography.

Daniel: I'm just shocked that the nerve that we finally needed to hit in order to just unlock this deluge of messages is. Animal facts.

Laurel: Yeah. We should have known, honestly.

Laurel: We should have known. Yeah. Yeah,

Daniel: yeah. this is going to be a very, poly bird heavy episode in general. We'll get to that. Hold your horses

Nichole: animal reference.

Daniel: But I'd like to widen the aperture.

Daniel: Since this is a variety show, right?

Daniel: Mm-hmm. And I provide a lot of music and some of our favorite stubs provide music.

Mm-hmm.

Daniel: I would like to request that stubs who may have poly songs, very tangentially related to polyamory. Send in some music.

Laurel: Oh, like their original music? Exactly. Like send us some of your original music. I like that. Yeah. Yeah.

Daniel: I want performers.

Laurel: Yeah. Okay.

Daniel: I want somebody to take some of the weight off of me in the Jingle Factory in the fucking the unpaid Labor Jingle Factory.

You should see where we

Laurel: put Daniel

Daniel: to write these jingles.

It's not nice. It is a factory floor. Yeah.

Daniel: Daniel, do you wanna go in the jingle box again?

Nichole: Retroactively. This has been, , a poly scheme.

Laurel: I like it. Drop

Nichole: the jingle here,

Nichole: well, also, speaking of submissions Yeah. Don't we have a listener bone to pick? Oh, we do

Laurel: have, oh yes, we have a listener bone to pick

Noise: bones.

Speaker 2: I have a bone to pick I fucking hate it when I'm on a dating app and someone puts in their cutesy little free space Polly and tell I find the right one. I fucking hate that, and that is an. Automatic swipe, no left, whatever, screw you. There's a difference between somebody who is intentionally being poly and then intentionally you are dating multiple people.

Speaker 2: But your goal, which is to be monogamous someday, so people who say this, stop it. Stop it.

Speaker 2: And I'll say this too, I've been on two dates with one super cute, guy. And one of the things we agreed on is that yes, there's a difference between being poly and dating a lot of people with your intentions to be monogamous in the end.

Speaker 2: So he got a second date so, , yeah. I still like him two dates in and yeah. I'm curious. , But you've talked about new relationship energy. Hmm. I wouldn't call it that. I'm, I'm not at that. Hmm. No, I'm not. It's, there's no relationship.

Speaker 2: There's two dates. That's it.

Laurel: This ranks on the same level for me as the people who tell me they have experience with polyamory when they really just dated around for a little while.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: I'm like, I don't think, you know.

Daniel: I mean, to be honest, I think I might actually prefer someone outright saying I'm poly until I find a monogamous relationship that I want to get into.

Daniel: I know that that's not the same, but at least they're like saying it. There's a ton of people who are just representing like their poly or non-monogamous and are still looking for it. I'd rather not have the surprise. The surprise gues.

Nichole: Yeah. I get not wanting to have the surprise, but I think it's the co-opting of the word polyamory.

Nichole: Yes. To describe what it is that you're doing. You're just dating. Yeah. You're just dating. Yeah. A bunch of people. Yeah. In order to find the one person that you want to be with

Laurel: am I wrong? But my like assumption in that scenario? Like when you say I'm polyamorous until I find the one is like I'm poly until I fall in love.

Nichole: I think that it's like I'm poly until proven otherwise. I think the intention is I'm only gonna fall in love with one person. Yeah.

Laurel: Which then is definitely not Polly.

Noise: No,

Laurel: no. If you're like, I'm non monogamous until I find the one, but that's just like implied in our dating culture already.

Laurel: It is. And

Nichole: I haven't come across anybody who has claimed like.

Nichole: Poll until proven otherwise. Right.

Daniel: I thought you meant for a minute. Anybody who's claimed like as a piece of

Nichole: property,

Daniel: they're collared and and submissive. No,

Laurel: just seems arbitrary and dumb. also like there are all of these weird unspoken rules in the monogamous dating around space uhhuh, where it is like the baseline is sort of don't ask, don't tell.

Laurel: Yep.

Nichole: Exact. That's what I'm saying. Yeah.

Laurel: Yes. It's confusing. 'cause it's not like, capital E. Or I should say capital U. Unethical, because like there's some implied understanding that that could be happening.

Yep.

Laurel: But like the complete lack of acknowledgement or informed consent around it

Nichole: your partner or partners one definitely would not know about each other. Yeah. Two, you would never know how many people that person is sleeping with. Yeah. Three, you wouldn't know about their sex practices. Yeah. Like with barriers and all that other stuff.

Nichole: And four, like you wouldn't know what timelines these people would be on. Yeah.

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: This is why it's so important for me to have somebody state their relationship style upfront in a way that's really unequivocal.

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: You know, you were talking the other day, Laurel, about how important values

Noise: mm-hmm.

Daniel: Are for you Yeah. In people that you're seeking out. And for me that declares that you, at least in the context of relationships, have a set of values.

Laurel: Mm-hmm.

Daniel: And I feel like. If you are not forthright about telling me what your values are, then either one, it's because you want to sneak your values into me, like, like arsenic in my food over a long period of time until suddenly I'm monogamous. Mm-hmm. , or it means that you don't know what your values are and you're just gonna go along with whatever anybody wants, which, that's dangerous for me emotionally, because you're gonna meet somebody and then all of a sudden, as Nicole would say, discard me.

Daniel: You know? Mm-hmm. Like,

Nichole: I'm also kind of like, well. But that is monogamous dating,

Laurel: right? Yes. You know? Yeah. So I think it just

Nichole: depends on like how the person goes about it.

Nichole: Yeah. Mm-hmm. But that co-opting of polyamory as a moniker or non-monogamy as a moniker, that that is the issue here. Right? Because you're not necessarily non monogamous and you're for sure not polyamorous. Yes.

Daniel: They put on their little special polyamorous cap and go out in public

Laurel: also, what, what kind of like a shitty thing to telegraph, like, I am non-monogamous until I find the one.

Laurel: And so like if I'm non-monogamous with you, you are just a fuck buddy for now. Like I'm thinking about in the context of like, I've dated monogamous people being a polyamorous person myself. Mm-hmm. Knowing that we're just having a good time until they do find mm-hmm. Someone else. But none of those people have ever been like, I'm polyamorous.

Daniel: Are we having like a straw man argument here? Have any of you encountered a profile that says this?

Daniel: I've actually never encountered a profile that says I am poly until I find somebody. Usually it's either like, I'm polyamorous or it's like, fuck you, e and m poly people stay off my fucking lawn.

Daniel: I haven't seen anybody trying to hedge their bets.

Laurel: I have not seen that specifically. I have seen, , like, I'm open to either like more amby Amorous. Yeah. In totality.

Daniel: So there's a term for that. Right. So if your, , values were like well-formed in that direction. Right?

Daniel: Yeah. There is a mantle which you can pick up and be like, I am amorous.

Laurel: Yes. Yeah.

Daniel: Shout out to you Annie Undone. Annie Aus, Annie, Polly Anus. Paul.

Nichole: I mean she would appreciate that because it sounds like anus.

Laurel: We all appreciate a good anus.

Daniel: A nice clean one. A well groomed anus.

Laurel: We

Daniel: don't need to

Laurel: go into details.

Nichole: We don't.

Laurel: Are there any details you'd like to add?

Daniel: just this. Completely on Anus related. Yeah. , I really appreciate people just writing into us about their new relationship energy Poly Amateur Hour is like everyone's sassy queer friend where you could just talk about your relationship with us.

Nichole: It did sound like they were defending, like, and I'm not no, NRE, like we were gonna judge them for NRE and I get that. I totally, I totally understand why you would think we would judge you. Um, what, what, people can have NRE, it's fine as long as you just. Acknowledge that it's a bunch of chemicals that are going on in your brain. Yeah.

Daniel: And I feel like we're a, a big force for good in the world, reminding people that NRE is like a holodeck experience, you know? Oh

Laurel: yeah. Yeah. Like

Daniel: you can call for the arch anytime you want.

Laurel: I don't know that you can you can ground yourself.

Daniel: Well, well, it's like a holodeck experience. Sometimes you call for the arch and does not appear. Oh, it's not.

Laurel: That is like 90% of the time.

Daniel: And

Daniel: there's a big gap that is put in our dating apps specifically for this now I've noticed the language changing

Daniel: in Hinge,

Daniel: one of the things under relationship style is I'm figuring out my relationship style. Yeah. Yeah. And I've seen this across the board of just like, still figuring it out.

Daniel: Don't know, unwilling to commit until I have actually seen whether or not I want to give up my existing values in favor of your values.

Laurel: I'm like, is it too harsh to say that they don't have their own values, but it seems like they're just like questioning what they are.

Laurel: I think there's a lot of people who are like, , well that seems nice in theory, but I'd I am, , skeptical of my ability to do the work in that department. I.

Nichole: Well, that's very self-aware if they think that they're skeptical because I feel like there are a ton of people who are just like diving in, like not even bothering with sex at dawn.

Nichole: Just like reading the Wikipedia entry. my knee jerk reaction when talking about this was like, oh, that's an automatic no. If they're just figuring out their relationship style. Yeah. But I don't know that that's true. Yeah. There could be something else in the profile or something else that they've shared that's like, okay, well maybe I want to explore this connection.

Laurel: .

Laurel: Yeah, do I just like rule out everybody that isn't just straight up non-monogamous polyamorous.

Laurel: Mm-hmm.

Nichole: Right.

Laurel: Well, I've dated a lot of people who, , were not already experienced in polyamory, who were more like poly curious and were like, oh yeah, this like sort of philosophically and ethically . Is cohesive with like, the way I think about things.

Laurel: and I was like, okay, yeah, let's like figure it out.

Nichole: I think this is part of the problem with having a fucking podcast and things recorded is that I've absolutely put the line in the sand on this podcast. Like I am never dating somebody who is not burst in polyamory. 'Cause I think we've talked about before, like. It feels like I would be a manic, pixie dream girl. Yeah. guiding them through this like crazy world of non-monogamy. We all fuck each other. We lay down in the street and look at the rain.

Daniel: I mean, that sounds kind of nice.

Daniel: I think that was what was in your profile when we met. And speaking of us, me and you, Nicole. Hmm. In general, I have batted very, very poorly when it comes to dating people who did not have experience in non-monogamy. Like yes, I too Laurel have, have done that. Mm-hmm. And it has generally not worked out all that well.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: My one in a hundred there, there she sits.

Nichole: Sometimes I totally forget. I think because we've been doing this for so long. Yeah. And because I can't imagine my life without it now. I always forget that I came to the table, not necessarily Right. Yeah.

Nichole: Knowing what I was doing.

Daniel: Do you remember when we went out and went shopping for your first polyamory cat?

Nichole: Polyamory hat, the polyamory hat store.

Laurel: Polyamory, haberdashery. I, for some reason, like I'm imagining them kind of like little gnome hats, and then you get feathers you can put in them.

Nichole: Aw. Or is it like a chef hat with like, every time you master how to make an egg a certain way, you get another fold.

Nichole: What? That's what chefs have. Why? What? Yeah. Oh, like at the cordon blue, that's like when you master a way of cooking an egg, you get another fold in your chef hat

Laurel: Is there a cap? Like what's the, like most amount of folds you can get in a hat?

Nichole: I mean, you're physically limited by the hat. Maybe you have a big head and you can just,

Laurel: and then Big Head already has an advantage. Big head over

Daniel: there.

Laurel: Big head. They gonna get so many more folds in their hat.

Daniel: uh, speaking of feathers in your cap. Mm mm-hmm.

Nichole: Ah, nice.

Daniel: Today, as we have been teasing this entire episode, we're gonna be talking about some Polly birds. Oh yeah. Even more exciting than that. We have invited today for our Polly Bird Summit 2025, the great Michelle High AKA polyamorous Wild Asian for her second concert appearance on poly amateur hour.

Daniel: Yay.

Yay.

Laurel: Michelle is a well-known. Birder

well known. Don't local birder, don't put

Daniel: birds in her mouth.

Daniel: Michelle was our very first special guest. Guest. Really willing to just roll the dice, didn't know how fucking crazy we were gonna be, and come right in here into the basement and talk shit with us.

Daniel: And now she's coming back around. We're starting to get our little, like constellation of platonic comets.

Nichole: In the poku?

Daniel: if you haven't heard the word, it's the bird. Michelle. Hi, flyer. Hi. Is gonna,

Nichole: I'm sorry. Michelle

Daniel: is going to enter the room in just a moment. May we have the drum roll, please?

Nichole: How close do we need to be, babe?

Daniel: like um, eight inches,

Michelle: a real eight Inches or a man's eight inches

Daniel: measured from the base.

Is there a banana for scale? Yeah. Right, but then how big is the banana?

Daniel: I always bring a little baby banana for scale.

Laurel: Baby banana. Like a little plantain. Yeah. One of those little, have you seen the little red bananas?

Laurel: They're really sweet. They're red. Yeah. I've seen little bananas, but they're not red.

Daniel: Yeah, it's a special kind of little red banana.

Laurel: Are you talking about a dog's banana? Oh God, no. God,

Laurel: sorry. This

Daniel: has been poly amateur hour. I'm gonna close up early tonight. All of our orifices shrinking.

Laurel: Did I do it? Did I go too far?

Daniel: Finally?

Michelle: Is bestiality where you guys crossed? Like is the line, is that the line?

Nichole: Oh, that makes me sad for this segment.

Oh

Laurel: yeah, yeah. , But what a great segue.

Daniel: So you guys, normally, this segment, we would call it a poly in public invasion of pro privacy.

Laurel: Mm-hmm.

Daniel: But I think we have experienced such a enormous outpouring of animal facts. that I'm thinking we could have like a polyamorous animal segment. And I am taking recommendations for the name.

Nichole: Oh, I already suggested animal magnetism.

Nichole: But he was like, I can't rhyme that in a song.

Daniel: I don't you, you don't give a shit. You're just like, d you'll get in the fucking jingle box. You

Laurel: the jingle box boy. is, is like Pauly in the wild. Too Obvious.

Daniel: Wild things.

Daniel: And then we, we just use the, uh,

Nichole: what is his name? Royal Ierson?

Daniel: No, no. Tone Lo roon.

That's what you're thinking of.

Daniel: Pretty woman. Wild thing. It's both. It's like an adjective noun.

Laurel: Yeah. So those are some ideas. Can you rhyme that with anything? Can you rhyme that? I just feel like you should have taken Nicole's challenge

Daniel: of animal magnetism.

Laurel: Yeah. Yeah.

Daniel: Alright, now you're saying it on the fucking mic. So I have no choice.

Daniel: Now

Michelle: You can do slant

Michelle: rhymes, you know?

Daniel: We rhymed utopian with de Nolin.

Daniel: And, uh, , You

Nichole: rhymed. I'm not taking credit for anything that comes to the music because it is all you baby,

Daniel: except your beautiful bird-like voice.

Nichole: That's

Daniel: true.

Daniel: That's another segue.

Nichole: Speaking of birds.

Nichole: All right, so this was just like a offhanded comment that we made, right? That I think Laurel, you just like put out there. You're like, are there any polyamorous birds? Yes.

Nichole: So Stuss, you answered the call of the wild

Daniel: see, call of the wild. That's better. I

could rhyme that and do that one then. Yeah, whatever. Whatever man. Just pick a title and rhyme with it. Get in your jingle box and just do it. Just, yeah. We don't

Laurel: care what it is.

Daniel: He doesn't get let out of the jingle box until there's a fucking jingle.

Nichole: It's a quantity thing, not a quality thing. I went from like, it's all you baby. You do such a good job to like, like. Fuck off. Just do it. Write a song already. Anyways,

Daniel: Michelle, the first time we had you on, we watched a art house film.

Daniel: Really gave it a lot of Oh yeah. A lot of consideration. Yeah.

Michelle: We all cried. Yeah. You know, tears were still shed, I would say.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: Yes. I was moved by the story. They moved.

Daniel: This is, , radio Lab for Kids. Yeah. The name of the episode is The Trio A Bald Eagle Love Story.

Laurel: And I actually really enjoyed the elements of it that were like, okay, clearly they judged this for children. Mm-hmm. Yeah. But I was like, I like it.

Michelle: It was very cute. Yeah, very cute.

Michelle: Cute. Very digestible. Like the corny little songs in between like, like Yeah, I really liked it. Really liked it. Yeah. It was great.

Laurel: I was like, this is Daniel's job in another life.

Daniel: I thought the same thing. Like that this was my dream job. Mm-hmm. Like I feel like my style is like writing songs for children.

Laurel: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Daniel: But I also felt a lot of envy. I was like, , this motherfucker regal. I'm never going to be able to match. Frugal. There you go.

Michelle: I almost got outta my chair and they said three goal.

Michelle: Oh no.

Nichole: So let's give context to three goal. Yeah.

Nichole: So radio lab for Kids did an episode, , about a throuple of eagles.

Nichole: A three goal that were discovered in the wild.

Nichole: There was a birder that was, you know, watching these eagles

Clip: It looks like there are three bald eagles sitting together near one nest. people didn't always believe Ed when he told them what he was seeing, but then in 2016, this trio of bald eagles happened to flutter down and begin nesting in a tree that was next to. A webcam.

Daniel: so this is also a story of. Birds learning how to monetize their affair,

man.

Daniel: Yes. We learn later on in this episode, there are actually several other three goals, but these are the only ones who are camming.

Nichole: And what freaked people out, birders and scientists alike is that male bald eagles, to be specific, are known to be hyper combative with each other and hyper territorial.

Nichole: And so to see a three, I'm just gonna keep calling it a three goal.

Mm-hmm.

Nichole: with one female eagle and two male eagles. People were like, what? This never happens. What is this?

Daniel: Yeah. And they got really into the lore about eagles from like the patriotic standpoint. Mm-hmm. Like eagles is a symbol for America because they're like fighters.

Clip: This glowing bird of prey with an intimidating brow bone, razor sharp be and terrifying talent spent to convey to the world a ferocious fight to the death independence.

Daniel: , They're really shaken off a lot of those stereotypes.

Laurel: Well, they're also like, simultaneously through the episode contrasting that with like the Native American perspective

Clip: The Eagle to us is very sacred, it's the highest in the sky. It's the closest to creator. It was seen as a messenger between worlds and a healer.

Daniel: Are eagles now because there are several eagle throuple out there could now become a, a symbol of polyamory.

Laurel: You know what's so funny is in one of our recent episodes we were talking about the bad eagle tattoo. Yeah. Uhhuh. Yeah. And I was like, oh, do I need an eagle tattoo now? A three eagle tattoo. Yeah. Three eagle tattoo.

Daniel: It. It's just like three eagles. Okay. And like. They're all holding out like a tattoo style banner in their beaks and it just says polyamory,

Nichole: Michelle, all of your tattoos are from under the sea, and we're bringing you on to talk about creatures of the sky. Of the sky.

Michelle: Yes. Of the sky arch nemesis. Yeah. I do find it funny that like, God, it's like in our political climate, like listening to this episode, I was like, God, I can only imagine like, oh, radio lab, the woke, like the woke queer polyamory agenda for kids.

Michelle: They're trying to indoctrinate our children into this, this three goal propaganda. Yeah. I had the same, I had

Daniel: the same

Michelle: thought. I was like, I had the same thought.

Daniel: This is the type of propaganda that I'm gonna really miss.

Mm-hmm. Right.

Daniel: Like with the collapse of public radio, that seems imminent now. Mm-hmm.

Daniel: How are we going to indoctrinate our children into a, a life of, , well by our current legal system crime? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Laurel: , Support public radio, please

Laurel: I really enjoyed throughout this, like they are, continually approaching it from like a scientific perspective and like scientific observation of this situation. And then realizing like once, there is like societal emotional investment in this three goal situation and it becomes. Like somewhat normalized, they start realizing that it's not actually an isolated incident.

Laurel: Yeah. And start seeing it appear elsewhere, huh? Yeah. Right.

Huh. Interesting, interesting, interesting.

Daniel: That's why my tattoo says start seeing three goals.

Daniel: So. It starts off pretty heartwarming and you've got all these people helping to narrate it. Who I wondered about what their viewpoints would be about queer humans and poly humans.

Daniel: Because some of them sounded like they, maybe they were from the south, like there was some, , rural birders who we spoke to, the rural birder,

Daniel: but they are all like really invested, as you said, all of a sudden, like they're feel and feels about these birds.

Clip: It is now early spring in Illinois and up about a hundred feet in a nest. Three bald eagle parents have just welcomed three baby. Eaglets. You know, they were so tiny. Oh my. And so adorable. Yes, indeed. These three parents caring for their babies, all six of the birds nuzzling down in the nest at night. They were the happiest family.

Daniel: And then it, it suddenly turns pretty dark. This story. Yeah. Because two territorial. Stranger, mono normative, , homophobic eagles show up and like start attacking the mother eagle in this nest and her babies.

Daniel: Yeah.

Clip: The very large. Bird, which we believed to be a female, was on the back of hope.

Clip: Her talents were digging into hope's shoulders.

Daniel: Yeah. Mm-hmm. I was imagining this other eagle as like a total Karen eagle.

Michelle: It's like that, uh, what's her name? Kate from John and Kate plus eight. Like that sort of haircut on this bald eagle. Oh my god, yes.

Daniel: Oh my God.

Daniel: So not all bald eagles are so tolerant, I guess, although they just wanted to take the polys house. Really the nest. They just wanted

Michelle: that nest. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Daniel: the other mother bird starts attacking our poly mother bird. They fall in a tassle out of the nest. And one of our dad birds is like fighting off this other dad bird, and like, long story short, maybe this is just 'cause it was for kids. They said

Clip: Hope was never seen again.

Nichole: yeah,

Laurel: yeah. Ugh. Yeah. Devastating. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, I was like upset about that. I was like, this is for children. Oh yeah. How could you make me feel like this when this is for

Nichole: children?

Nichole: Have you, have you seen up? I know, yeah, I know. Any, any Disney

Michelle: movie like they are either the mom and or the dad like has to die. Yeah. So

Nichole: Yeah. So the Daddy Eagles stay together. Another Mommy eagle. Mommy eagle. Another female eagle

Daniel: is this poly amateur hour for kids.

Now

Nichole: the daddy, the, the male eagles are all daddy eagles. They're not father eagles. They're daddies.

Michelle: They're not, they're not stepdads. They're dads who, stepdad.

Yes, yes,

Nichole: yes. But the female eagles. Eagles are Mother eagles. Mother eagles. So another mother eagle shows up and links up with these two daddy eagles and they start raising eaglets together.

Nichole: And you would think that, I mean, there was no scientific like theory as to why there was this three goal. Um, but it was very obvious that. The Daddy Eagles were just like, okay, well mourn the loss. And now we go out and date again, like on the Bird app.

Daniel: Now, now first though, before they found a replacement, they stayed behind and raised her children together

Clip: The dads kept watch over their chicks, bringing them food and keeping them warm at night. Until finally come June, the two chicks ended up, uh, growing and, and leaving the nest. It was extremely happy. Yes, indeed. We gave him the greatest Dads award of the year.

Daniel: Right. This, this showed us that this was not just a V-shaped Yeah. Connection. It

Michelle: was an actual triangle.

Daniel: It was an actual triangle.

Michelle: Yeah.

Daniel: And they cooperated to raise these eaglets until they learned to fly.

Michelle: And it was so, it was they finished the season, just the two of them. And it was like the next season they came back Yeah.

Michelle: With , the new Mother Eagle. Yeah. That's That's so wild. Yeah. I was like tearing up with joy. Right? Yeah. And what, how many years? They said years, right? They kept coming back for years. Yeah, yeah,

Clip: Year after year, those three parents stay together, fledgling more and more eagles and in the process challenging scientists' notions about what a natural family looks like

Daniel: yeah. They were like, we are never going back to monogamy. Fuck this shit. Right?

Michelle: Yeah. Yeah. It's interesting 'cause who knows how well those little baby Eagles would've survived if it was just like, if the mom had just died and it was just the male Right. Eagle left. Like would he have stayed? Would he have I don't, I don't know what eagles are like. Like, yeah.

Daniel: Well, in our poly amateur hour style, we are telling this story in a very non-linear way.

Daniel: Yes. Before Mother Eagle found her Zady Eagles. Mm.

Clip: See, hope had been trying to make a family for years before she linked up with the two daddies and. This is a little sad, but she had a hard time.

Clip: Her babies sometimes got cold or fell out of the nest when she was away hunting and they didn't always make it. Yeah, it

Daniel: And so it seemed like maybe this was also a practical decision for her is like, I need a larger support system. Yeah,

Michelle: yeah.

Michelle: Monogamy in this economy.

Laurel: Yeah, they do talk about, the eagle population decline. And I don't know if they make any direct statements, but I think there is some like speculation that, like part of the resurgence of eagles in America or bald eagles in America might have to do with these like triad relationships.

Laurel: So if governments wanna get people to have more children. Which we've been seeing. Mm-hmm. You know, maybe you just need to encourage polyamory.

Daniel: Listen up JD Vance. We know you're a listener.

Laurel: He just like, he's humping a couch and he's like, what

Daniel: you mean this is not gonna result in a birth? He's been, he's been just humping that couch for years and watching for it to get pregnant. Just no go, God.

Laurel: Well, he just needs another couch involved.

Laurel: A section.

Yeah. A

Laurel: So,

Daniel: I did feel a little bit weird about the idea of just, , a replacement in a molecule like that. Like if I just died, would you two like just go out and find an eagle to replace me? We already have one.

Laurel: We do what? Yeah, there's just like a big nest out back.

Daniel: Oh, you had an eagle waiting in the, waiting in the wings. Wings.

Nichole: I mean, I think it's biology though. You know, like they had some eaglets to raise and make.

Daniel: Time to make the eagles

Nichole: always making references to that commercial that hasn't played in 40 years.

Laurel: There was a point where very specifically, , the host asks the scientist,

Clip: Would you ever call what? What's happening between these birds? Love. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Oh, you would? Oh, absolutely you would. Yes, indeed. You don't shy away from that, be that word. Not what, between animals whatsoever?

Clip: No. No. Huh. It's, it's family bonding and that happens, you know, love is family.

Laurel: the reporter is taken aback by the answer. Yeah. Like, wait, what? He's like, no, absolutely a hundred percent. They, they love each other.

Daniel: They told me.

Laurel: They

told

Laurel: me, you

can see it.

Michelle: Michael Jackson. Actually, don't they have like more of a, I don't know, like a pathetic, like a chirping? They like chirp. Yeah. Usually the eagle sound is like, it's like a hawk.

Laurel: Yes. Yeah. They replace it with something in the movies. Do your little chirping.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: That's true with monogamous eagles, but polyamorous eagles have a much more

Michelle: liberated call, they roar like lions.

Michelle: Yeah. This was also reminding me, wasn't there like several years ago, a bisexual goose or something that was really popular. His name was like Hank or Henry or something, and he would just follow around like for years, years and years. Like they would have like little love triangles. I have no idea if the males were involved with each other, but they weren't killing each other.

Laurel: In the Siegel podcast, which we're not discussing right now,

Daniel: the Steven Segal

Laurel: podcast.

Laurel: The Steven Segal podcast, they talk about like , the gay swans in the Boston Commons. Oh,

Nichole: okay. Now I really want Steven Segal to have a podcast called Segal on Seagulls. And it's just him talking about how much he loves seagulls. The seagulls. He's met the seagulls who have eaten his ice cream off of the pier,

Noise: A lot of people don't know the warm inner life of a seagull.

Nichole: And there's 330 episodes.

Daniel: Did we answer the Eagle question?

Nichole: Yes. They do love each other. We didn't answer it. An entire podcast team put together a beautiful episode that we got to enjoy. podcast.

Nichole: Yes. Thank you Radiolab for kids. Everyone go give them money though. Like for real? Yeah.

Nichole: Speaking of animals,

Daniel: humans are animals.

Nichole: I was gonna say, these are real animals. You know, it's not a real animal. A Pegasus and

Daniel: a Manta core.

Nichole: And

Daniel: a unicorn. It's time for. Everybody's favorite, least favorite segment.

Nichole: It's time for unicorn hunter Hunters.

Daniel: this episode is a very special episode for a few reasons. One, we did, our first audience provided Bone to Pick earlier on. Oh

Noise: yeah.

Daniel: Yeah. And two. We now have our first audience or guest provided Unicorn Hunter. Hunter.

Laurel: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Love it.

Laurel: Mm-hmm. So unicorn hunter hunters is a segment where we take a look at a unicorn hunter profile and then rate it on three categories. One self-aggrandizement, two arbitrary rules, and three. Would be unicorn for them.

Michelle, what have you brought us today?

Michelle: Okay. Uh, yeah, the Other day I was just on field and received a ping and this, this was the ping and I think I told you guys the other day at like, I just closed the app after that.

Michelle: I'm like, not a good day.

Daniel: Did did you try to burn your phone?

Michelle: No, I can't let the unicorn hunters win. Yeah. Oh, right. And also they, they have several pictures, but they only have two that are public and it's just of the woman. Mm. And yeah, they're like three private photos. And I was curious, like, I almost like swipe right just to see what those photos are, but Yeah,

Daniel: it's like when you're driving past a car crash and you, you want to, you wanna turn and look, but maybe No,

Michelle: but I got other things to focus on.

Michelle: Yeah, yeah, yeah. First of all, like it was a ping with a note and like in my profile at the end I say to something like, oh, Schwab sexy stories or whatever. And I say that I'm quiet unless inspired to be loud. So the note says, Hey, sexy, we are ready to swap sexy stories and see if we can inspire you to be loud.

Michelle: Hope to hear from you soon. And it's like the winky face with the kiss.

Daniel: Yeah. Inspired to be loud as in. Yelling for help.

Michelle: And like most of us, I feel like is pretty, it's like, it's okay. It's kind of long. Oh, I liked it.

Daniel: I think there's a lot to unpack all the way through. Okay. All right. All right. You're not gonna get out of reading aloud.

Daniel: Oh,

Michelle: no, no. I'll read aloud. Start

Daniel: from the

Michelle: top.

Daniel: I'll put on my reader voice, you know?

Michelle: Okay. so their name is Poly Journey.

Daniel: misnomer.

Michelle: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. so it says, no couples only for the lovely ladies we played together.

Michelle: Not all caps solo.

Daniel: How weird does, how weird does the term Lovely ladies?

Michelle: Lovely ladies,

Daniel: make you feel like in third person, like, and I went and met some lovely ladies. Yeah. And then too, how would you feel if somebody called you a lovely lady?

Laurel: Oh

Daniel: This is an audio format, but everybody's facial expression is grimacing. Yeah.

Michelle: Yeah. Some level of disgust. Yeah. Confusion. Don't love it. Um, curvy to plus-size Queens, the front of the line. Fun loving couple. Looking for a woman to build a long lasting relationship with. Bullshit.

Michelle: Someone we can enjoy inside and outside the bedroom. The someone we can enjoy. Like it's something you get from the grocery store or something. Yeah. You

Daniel: enjoy, you enjoy a milkshake. Mm-hmm. You enjoy a, a warm bath You don't. Mm-hmm. You don't enjoy a person.

Nichole: I was almost grateful for the word bedroom because we can enjoy inside and out outside.

Nichole: I was like, no. Yes, yes. No,

no.

Michelle: Um,

Michelle: okay. We are both working professionals who value our time together and discretion while we are in the dating phase, drama free, we are all adults looking to make each other's lives better. More pictures. Once we make a connection, we love and crave to talk and have open, honest conversations. We aim to please each other and you in every way possible.

Oh,

Michelle: every way possible. Oh, ugh. They said they crave to talk.

Michelle: We love and crave to talk and have open conversa and honest conversations. Yeah.

Daniel: I have noticed the real indiscriminate use of the word crave.

Clip: But Brando's got what plants crave.

Michelle: Mm.

Daniel: Right. Like.

Nichole: Outside of a Taco Bell commercial.

Daniel: Yeah. Like what was the one? , Oh, we crave lingerie Fueled fantasies was from another unicorn under profile.

Michelle: Crave feels like a word that would be overused in like early fan fiction that I would've read as a teenager.

Michelle: Yeah. Like smart fan fiction craving, like Yes. You dunno another word for it. Yeah. So you just keep using the word crave.

Clip: Brando's got what that's crave.

Michelle: Yeah. That's

Nichole: what it reads like

Michelle: to

Nichole: me. And you're so sexually inexperienced that you can only analogate. Sex drive to hunger. Mm-hmm. It's like the only other like, drive in your body.

Nichole: It's just sex and hunger. That's it. When you're growing up, guys,

Daniel: me as a teenager, hungry. Horny. Horny. Hungry. Hungry, horny. Yeah.

Michelle: Oh yeah. But these people I think are in their forties. Like these. Yeah. Yeah.

Daniel: Can we also just have a, a moment to, uh, to honor the one way to make drama free, less convincing is to put an exclamation point on it.

Daniel: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Michelle: Drama

Nichole: free

Michelle: Um. Okay. We aim to please each other and you in every way possible.

Michelle: It's not just about getting to know you physically, but mentally too. What makes you feel most alive and how can we pour into you?

Michelle: Yeah,

Daniel: I, I wasn't sure if I was only a receptacle until that moment, and now I'm sure. Mm-hmm.

Laurel: Did you say receptacle?

Daniel: Yes. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Laurel: Oh, you were only a receptacle. I heard that. Weird. Sorry. What did you hear? Like, like you were saying, I was almost receptive until that moment.

Laurel: Oh. Like receptacle. They had

Michelle: me until,

Daniel: I feel really receptacle for this.

Nichole: But how bold, I mean, that is just all out there with like, we need you to be a blank slate so we can pour our own mm-hmm. Insecurities, our own fantasies, our own personalities onto you. Right. But

Michelle: they, they probably think they're so cool and so like progressive and Yep.

Michelle: The whole drama free thing, like, we do it so well.

Michelle: Oh yeah. Final paragraphs. All right. I'm a five three petite plus size queen. Oh this is my favorite least favorite part. I'm a five three petite plus size queen, and my chocolate king is five 10 with a sexy, comfy dad bod with cannon arms to pick up our big sexy bodies or to wrap around us for comfort and love. If you wanna get to know us better at Ask Away, we are here and ready to mingle.

Michelle: Yeah, the chocolate king, there's a lot there. Yeah. What are Canon arms? Like, I guess they're big, like tree trunks or something, like thick arms. I, I think that's what she's saying. I'm just imagining just explosive launching somebody.

Daniel: Or he's got like, he's got like cannons for arms. Like he's

Laurel: Yeah. Like those t-shirt cannons.

Laurel: Yeah. At the, at the ballgame.

Daniel (2): Mm-hmm.

Daniel (2): so I wanna give this lady the benefit of the doubt and assume

Daniel (2): is a king, who is actually

Daniel (2): made of chocolate,

Daniel (2): Okay. Uhhuh to Willy Wonka. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to, I'm going straight to like

Daniel (2): Like the Jolly Green Giant, right? But chocolate,

Daniel: I, I may or may not have jotted down, a song

Oh, no.

Daniel: Hail. Hail the chocolate king in candy land. He's Lord and judge. When he touches anything, he turns it into creamy fudge.

Michelle: is that what? they're gonna pour into you. Creamy fudge.

Daniel: This has been poly amateur hour

Laurel: canceled twice

Nichole: in one

Laurel: episode. I feel like I get so many vibes in this profile overall that they are they're like speaking to the negative. , Like, oh, we, crave talking and. , Honest conversation as if there's like a dearth of it.

Laurel: which just tells me there has been, and there will be drama. Yes. Because you haven't figured out how to. Do it and articulate and like pick compatible people so that there is drama and you have to put the stuff in your profile that just vaguely alludes to these failed endeavors in the past.

Michelle: And like the contradictory language of like the, you know, starting with like, oh, that we can enjoy and then like, oh, but we, we'll focus on you. It's almost like this reassuring thing. Yes. Yeah. Like all dating apps, we are kind of selling ourselves.

Michelle: Yes. But this, , profile and so many unicorn hunter profiles really feels like they're trying to sell you. Yes. And that they have to market it in order for you to even be interested. Like, oh, yeah. Ugh.

Daniel: Yeah. And, and somehow they think that it's a plus that they're going to rivet this intensity of attention onto you.

Daniel: Mm-hmm. Right. They're gonna be like, like unbroken eye contact just on you the entire time they want , to pour into you. Exactly.

Nichole: God, yeah.

Nichole: So what do we think of to rate them self-aggrandizement

Laurel: you know, We see so many of the profiles that like, we're the most amazing, fun, rich people you've ever seen and met and we're so hot.

Laurel: And this is less that, but it feels more of the grasping. Like, we're not like other unicorn hunters. Like it feels like, pick me unicorn hunting. Like Yes. Yeah.

Nichole: Yeah. And my partner is going to launch you across the

Daniel: cannon arms.

Daniel: This cannon arms. Yeah.

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: I feel like they just believe that human beings are completely made up of inanimate objects. The, the guy has cannon arms. He's made of chocolate, and he has, and he has canon arms.

Nichole: Alright. So how would you rate

Laurel: them? Um,

Laurel: for self-aggrandizement? I'm gonna say, I don't know. I'm like out a five. I'm very like in the middle of it. Me too. Yeah. Yeah. I'd say probably about a five.

Daniel: For me, , i don't know where else to put this thirstiness like that.

Daniel: I, I want to like, I wanna address the thirstiness with a number. Can I rate this? And it's gotta go in the self-aggrandizement

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: Category. Okay. And so I think. Bumps it up to like a seven

Michelle: for me. Okay. All right. Yeah, I think like comparing to other unicorn hunters, I think I agree. Like a six or a seven.

Michelle: Yeah. Yeah. They're definitely not humble about it. Yeah. They're de they're also, yeah. Like you were saying, they're not trying to throw their boat at you or whatever, like,

Daniel: You, you could though launch a boat at you. Yes. That's true.

Michelle: Yes. As can arms. Yeah.

Nichole: Okay. Arbitrary rules. Arbitrary rules. They didn't really have any specific rules.

Laurel: they are more staunchly in the, like, single women only mm-hmm. Category Yes. Than some of the other profiles we've seen.

Nichole: I think it's been a while since we've seen one that is truly just only single women. Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah.

Michelle: And always, yeah, that drama, whenever they bring up drama, uh, yeah. I can't, like what I, I really wish I could get into the mindset of people who like write these profiles.

Michelle: Like, what, what are you thinking? 'Cause when you write that and drama free exclamation point, like what makes you go like,

yeah,

Michelle: that'll do. Yeah. That makes us seem

Daniel: really cool. Yeah. , Is drama free a rule if you yell it loud enough?

Laurel: I think to Nicole's. conception of the like hidden rules thing.

Laurel: I feel like so there's so many hidden rules under the umbrella of drama free. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Yep. Of like, if you start to rock this boat, that's drama. You're out. Yeah. Yeah.

Daniel: We're not gonna launch a boat at you unless you agree not to rock it. Creepy fudge into you.

Laurel: You started it, Daniel. You don't get to be grossed out. You don't get

Nichole: to

Laurel: be grossed out by

Nichole: it. I mean, the hidden rules thing always freaks me out. Yeah. Mm-hmm. And like is the number one, probably the number one thing that keeps me away from unicorn hunters, besides not being like a shell of a person that they can fill.

Nichole: Um, I'd probably say like a seven.

Daniel: I'll go seven two.

Laurel: I'm gonna say six just to be different,

Michelle: just to be arbitrary. Yeah. I mean, I think I'd support you with like a five or six

Nichole: Yeah. Yeah. I think we know your answer, Michelle. I'm pretty sure we know the lesson. Daniel, you

don't get to answer this question of, you always say this, but you don't get to, you're not qualified.

You're not qualified. When did

Daniel: this begin? , , , This new rule that you have imposed new rules upon our dynamic where I don't get to hypothetically say whether I would unicorn for people, just because they don't want me to unicorn for them.

Nichole: Alright, fine. You can participate. Fine. Would you unicorn for them?

Daniel: Me?

Daniel: No. No.

Laurel: I'm also gonna be a no.

Michelle: Yeah. It's a no for me dog.

Laurel: It's a no

Daniel: no. So we do have the opportunity now to, , match with them live on mic and send a message to the effect of all four of us would like to decline.

Nichole: And I feel like the response. Would be confusing because just like they wrote their profile Wee wee, we, Hmm.

Daniel: We mm-hmm.

Nichole: You would respond Michelle as No,

Daniel: no, no.

Nichole: We politely declined