Daniel: Are you a Chili Willie?

Laurel: Oh

Nichole: Wasn't Chili Willie the mascot for like TV dinners?

Daniel: Oh, I don't know. What were the little guys called that were like the eternal rubber slidey, foreskin thing.

You know, that was like filled with liquid.

Laurel: That was not a chili, Willie.

Nichole: Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah. Yes.

Daniel: Yeah. Woo. It had, it was a something, it was a something Willie. I don't know what it was, it, I don't know what its surname was, but

Laurel: Wet Willie Water Snake. What? Not that

Daniel: now that we're canceling Nicki Minaj and apparently we can't listen to Anaconda anymore. I'm gonna make a new dirty rap song called Water Snake.

Laurel: Nice. Okay. Daniel is the new Nicki Minaj. You heard it here? You heard it here first folks. Yeah.

Daniel: this is right up there in its importance with the Dead Leonard News that we often dish out. Is there

Nichole: another dead Leonard?

Daniel: No. Oh

Nichole: God. You scared me with

Daniel: Dead Leonard News. Well, now that you said it.

What? Leonards are left. What? Leonard is going to die because of your reckless Oh, fuck.

And if you haven't really fucking dug the stacks of the podcast yet, we tend to talk about dead, maybe Polly Leonards, Leonard Bernstein. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. We've, who we, we've discussed mm-hmm. Leonard Cohen, who we've, who we've discussed.

Laurel: and Leonard Nemoy.

Daniel: Yes. But he's not Polly that we know of.

Nichole: Yeah. But we've decided, I feel like we mentioned Star Trek enough on this podcast that we've inducted the entire Star Trek cast into our poly,

Daniel: and maybe when Nemo was a little Polly, I don't know, like we don't know. He did. Make that whole book of like semi nude Jewish ladies, Shaina, Shaina Shaina, which we received a copy of in the mail.

Do we know who sent that to us? No. It was probably my mom, but I don't really want to ask her and have her ruin the soft porn that we received by, by taking responsibility

Laurel: doesn't ruin it for me. I'll ask and then I'll know, but I won't tell you guys. Great. Thank you.

Nichole: Uhhuh. I mean, the holder of the secret

Laurel: on my deathbed, I will reveal the answer.

For some reason you're dying first. I'm definitely dying first. Ooh, I'm, I'm gonna keep it written on a piece of paper in a security deposit box, which I leave the key to you too. Yes. And you're like, what could

Daniel: be in this? God? Is there gonna be a moral secret fortune? Is there gonna be a fucking scavenger hunt?

Are you doing an oly?

Laurel: Aw deathbed oly. That's fun. How cute. And

Nichole: delightful. But then we just open the final clue and it just says, Abby. And we go,

Laurel: what?

Nichole: What? Wait, what? It just says, Abby did it. we go, yeah, we know what exactly doesn't matter.

Daniel: And then despite your best intentions, we then arrest. prosecute and convict my mother of your murder,

Laurel: man, I better get dying. Welcome to Poly Amateur Hour. I'm Laurel. I'm Daniel. I'm Nicole.

Daniel: That was the most straight laced intro deduction of ourselves that we've ever done.

Nichole: Yeah, but we're on a time crunch. Yeah. I

Laurel: gotta get to class,

Nichole: I gotta get to bed. I gotta share with Laurel my story.

I need

Laurel: to know, I've been waiting for over 24 hours now.

Nichole: I don't know if this is a segment, I just

Daniel: wanna talk

Nichole: about

it.

Laurel: Tell me

Nichole: what happened. Okay.

Daniel: You, you tell us the story, then we'll decide what theme song to play. Okay.

Nichole: so I got broken up with by a 53-year-old man who wants to be in a mono poly relationship with a 24-year-old married woman.

Daniel: Oh my God.

Nichole: So I've been seeing this guy for like, not that long.

And when we met, we started talking about Polly because he was so. Bent over backwards about this relationship that he's in.

basically like there is a jealous husband, who told his wife that she cannot catch feelings for somebody.

and 53-year-old is like, I can't take it anymore. She can't communicate. And I said, well, yeah, she hasn't used that many words in her life.

She hasn't been around long enough. Um,

Daniel: we would like to apologize. On behalf of Nicole to all of our Gen Z ubs out there. We know that, you know words,

Laurel: but not that many of them.

Nichole: Don't worry. You'll get there. You'll get there. Yeah. Just keep listening to this podcast. Yeah. You'll learn words,

Daniel: write down every word you hear.

Nichole: he like breaks up with her, right? And then he and I go on our first date, I learn over the course of the date he's gotten back together with her and is going, on a trip with her. And husband doesn't know He's telling me all of this. And then he looks at me and goes, this is nice.

Like referring to our date. And I laughed in his face because I was like. fuck off. Like, okay.

Daniel: You understand because you've been through so much, Nicole. Because you're so old. You're

Laurel: so old. Yes. And you know so many words to describe the pain I'm feeling. How would you describe the pain

Daniel: I'm feeling.

Nichole (2): Okay. So We start seeing each other.

It's like, sex is good, but like there's nothing. Yeah. But he thinks that we're having a good time. Yeah. 'cause they always do. They always do. . So last Friday I get a text, that says,

I have to be honest, I'm really struggling. he says, I don't know that I'm wired to direct my emotional and sexual energy in more than one direction. And I said, my guess is that you're falling really hard for, I'm so sorry, I can't remember her name.

So he says

Things are getting more intense with this woman and I feel like I don't have anything left and I don't wanna be unfair to you. I just wanna be completely honest and transparent and hopefully kind about it.

I was like, like I didn't say anything. He was like, because I think you are so fucking hot and super cool and I love spending time with you, and yet sigh

Daniel: this is like Harry Kim. Just before, like they started draining the men down to mummies on the weird sex planet Uhhuh. He's gonna like, that's why he hardly has anything left, is because fucking Gen Z girl is, removing all the moisture from his body through his semen.

Just,

Nichole: okay, so

I say

that last one was Laurel, you can't

I say, girl, are you gonna be okay in a mono poly relationship with her? And he says. I don't know that I'm going to be okay no matter what.

Daniel: Oh God,

Nichole: there are so many red flags and yet sigh.

big surprise. She wants to divorce her husband and we've been spending a lot of time together, so I'm having a lot of big feelings.

I said, I guess all I can say is good luck in Godspeed.

Laurel: Yeah,

Nichole: I know. It's what you want. And I know this has very little to do with me. I've expressed my concern as a friend. And you, do you, my guy

Nichole (2): I said, can I recommend Lexapro?

he's like, I hope we can be friends. I really, really like you. And I was like, well, now I'm invested in the gossip about this relationship, so you do have to keep me updated on how it's going. Do. So then yesterday I get another text.

Multiple: Mm-hmm.

Nichole: That's like, I'm really sorry, you connected with me at such an insane moment in my life. And I said. What is this Fight club?

He responded, I don't know what that means.

Daniel: what kind of a fucking Gen Xer is This dude

Nichole: I know who doesn't know a fight club reference.

Daniel: Maybe he's, he's getting stupider. It's, she's not only draining all of the liquid from his body through his penis, but also all of his core Gen X knowledge.

Yeah,

Laurel: I think he knows and fully understands what Fight Club is. I think what he cannot comprehend is that he. You're not pining for him. So this is the thing, this, these follow ups Yeah. Are like, please let

Nichole: me know you're pining. Abso he wants, he not only wants validation that I'm sad or whatever.

Yeah. He also wants sign off on this behavior. Yeah. He wants me to say either go forth and run in the fields of Heather with your 24-year-old girlfriend. Yeah. Or he wants me to say, you fucking dick, how dare you. I know this

Laurel: guy. You've met this kind of guy. Yes, yes. We've all dated this kind of, we've all dated this guy.

Nichole: I just don't have the energy to care Yeah. this was great for me. It canceled a plan. We were supposed to see each other last night. I got to stay home and cook my little like can beans and watch two episodes of PBS's bookish. It was great.

Daniel: So that means you had two orgasms?

Sure. More than I had with him.

Alright. What. Are we going to call this segment? I don't think that I don't think that, I don't think that we have a law to fit his crime.

Laurel: Like it's not worthy of a bone to pick. Um,

Nichole: maybe it's

Daniel: a bone to

Nichole: pick. That's right. Maybe I forgot about bone to pick.

Daniel: All right. It's a bone to pick.

Nichole: Okay. Retroactively. I have a bone to pick. Bone to pick,

Daniel: Well, you know who I have the opposite of a bone to pick with.

Ashley Ray, comic of Los Angeles and host of the wonderful podcast tv I say with Ashley Ray, who deed to.

Visit upon us her visa massage. I don't know.

Laurel: Why are you trying to make this longer?

Daniel: She was fantastic. We had her on for a couple segments. Roll tape. Roll tape.

Laurel: Daniel has like a 32nd delay when it comes to clicking things on the computer. Really?

Nichole: It

Laurel: does. Yeah.

Daniel: You guys are just really impatient. You're fricking project managers. You're like, click the damn thing already.

Nichole: You, you hover over it and then you click down and then you wait so long. It's so

Daniel: true.

Wait till your brain and finger get old.

Nichole: This is not an old brain and finger thing.

Daniel: It's an old brain and finger. It's an old

Nichole: brain and finger thing. That old brain and finger thing. No, this is let Ashley Ray into the room

Laurel: Ashley Red, does she wanna hear our argument? Hi. Hello. All right. We needed you to settle an argument right now, please. Okay.

Nichole: Okay. So Daniel does this thing that Laurel and I have both noticed, he presses down on a button, like to click, like we're on the internet.

Imagine we're on the internet. Yeah. Okay. Like to click admit. For, for you to come into the Zoom, just clicks down and then it's a good 10, 15 seconds. Wow. Before he clicks up. And he does the same thing with the DoorDash where he is just kind of like, just hovering around. He knows what he wants, he knows what we're gonna get.

Ashley: But is it like resting on the phone or like actively applying pressure now I'm,

Daniel: I'm claiming that. My partners both have like young mental houses where the wiring still works, and when they get to be 40 fucking seven, they'll just have weird, you know, sundowning moments where they gaze off into the distance.

That is true.

Ashley: With their finger on a fucking button. I'm not even that old. And sometimes I'm just like, what was I even doing? Oh, I was gonna order breakfast like an hour and a half ago.

Yeah. That's like, is this what I wanted? Right. Okay. Yeah, I get it. Hey Ashley, thank you for coming on the Yeah. I'm so glad to do this. I'm so excited. Oh, sorry. My place is messy. I'm like in a very hardcore crafting moment right now. Oh wait, what are you calling?

There's paint everywhere. There's resin over here. It's, it's crazy. What are you

Laurel: making?

Ashley: Oh,

Right now I'm making pop sockets. Tomorrow is my anniversary with my partner and he does juujitsu, so I'm making these like 3D platypus doing juujitsu move pop sockets.

Wow.

Daniel: I didn't even know that was a possible DIY thing at home. That's amazing. Oh, it

Ashley: is. I do it all. Kindle cases, phone cases. Ooh. It's a lot over here. Yeah. That's cool. I

Nichole: love that.

Daniel: is this your day job?

Ashley: I mean, I'm thinking I might leverage it into that because so many people will be like, oh my gosh, I love your Kindle case.

Like, how do you do this? And I'm like, I took an entire day to make it. Yes. And then I figured it out after wasting a lot of money.

Laurel: Yes. Oh, the wonderful world of crafting.

Daniel: Yes. And and I feel like it's one of the things on like the, the polyamory verification list. Oh, oh yeah. Like if you don't have a crafting habit, it's, you know.

Yeah. Yeah.

Ashley: Someone is Ha Yeah. In the Poly Q, someone is crafting. Yep. This one.

Laurel: Yep. Yeah. That's not this one. That's me.

Ashley: Yeah. Is it a, is it a crochet? Is it a ceramics? Depends on the month.

Laurel: Yeah. Depends on the month.

Nichole: Ashley, I also have a partner that does Juujitsu and I also heard that you dated or are dating somebody who believes in flat earth.

Ashley: I was dating a flat earth. Okay. My current partner, and he really loves for me to reiterate, is not the one from the flat earthers.

Nichole: Okay. Because I also, because I still tell

Ashley: the joke and people will be like, well, it must be that person she's leaving with. And I'm like, yeah, whatever. And it's just like, yeah, people think I'm a flat earth, but

Nichole: you know. Okay. Because I also I accidentally. Dated a flat Earth, but it was only one date and I got some free mac and cheese out of it.

Daniel: I mean, what was his name? Maybe it was,

Nichole: I mean, yeah, you're other partner. Does Jiujitsu, are we dating the same people? Oh my God. I mean,

Laurel: you're in the same Venn diagram of dates. Ashley, you wanna, introduce yourself for the audience? . Give us the Ashley Ray. Yeah. 4 1 1, uh,

Ashley: Ashley, Ashley Ray. I consider myself the most famous black bisexual polyamorous comedian.

probably on the West Coast. Uh, I've had to specify now. There's so many of us now. Uh, but

Daniel: do you have a group chat?

Ashley: Yeah, we do. Yeah. Yeah. And, uh, I don't, I consider myself, I guess, a old OG polyamory. I've been doing it for like. 13 years now, like I started in college back in 2010. I came out as poly with a partner I had yeah, I'm now, I make a lot of jokes about it.

I write about it. I give a lot of polyamorous dating advice, and do a lot of wonderful podcasts like this.

Daniel: We are so glad that you're out there making jokes about polyamory that mock us in the right way for the things that we want to be mocked for. Yeah.

Ashley: Yeah, I think so. I, a lot of people would disagree.

I dunno if you, I dunno if you're familiar with the dating app. Field. Oh, oh yeah. they had these like comedy shows they would do, I used to host them and I used to have a joke, uh, in my set that was like, oh, if you don't know the definition of polyamory, basically what it means is they're someone out there who really, really loves me and every single day I hurt them.

I love that joke. Yeah. The people at the field shows did not, oh, it started fights. They were like, you can, like, we're, you cannot, like, so sorry, but we need poly positive cons. Wow.

Daniel: I think that you've made things easier for us

comics like yourself, make them ignored to the fucking, shit.

Show that we are, like, we have seen this on the internet, so I guess we're okay with it.

Ashley: That's, yeah. I think that's what we're at the stage with, with polyamory. some platforms, people are like, yeah, this is happening. I'm seeing it. love and let people live and whatever.

And then sometimes I'll tweet something like. Oh, like my boyfriend spending the day with his wife and I got them flowers and people are like, you're going to hell. Um, like you're a sinner. Where, and like God said one man, and I'm like, this is Twitter. Why are, how are you guys, like, you're telling me you're like a 22-year-old queer like lesbian who's a liberal and you're just like against

Daniel: it.

They're probably you know, 22-year-old queer lesbian bots that you're interacting with. So yes,

Ashley: it is. I do remind myself it is usually bots and that's what I have to tell myself. Yes. I'm actually gonna run and get a LaCroix. Oh yeah. Do it, do it.

Nichole: Yay. Oh,

Laurel: yeah.

Nichole: Yay.

Daniel: There we go. Sunshine, flavor.

Nichole: Wait,

Laurel: really?

Daniel: What does that thing, what does that even taste like? Sunshine. I, I haven't been outside in years. What, what does sunshine taste like?

Honestly,

Ashley: it is very good. And it's ba it's just really citrusy. It's like, Grapefruit orange. It's, it tastes like Florida. It really does. Ooh. So like sweat

Daniel: and swamp meth, sweat and alligator meth, hot alligator. Yeah. And the heat. So we've invited you here to do. A few different segments. and I think that we should start with a little bit of monogamy. Are you okay?

monogamy. Are you Okay. Is the segment where we look at examples of toxic monogamy from the internet and then pause it, the question.

Nichole: Are you okay? Hmm.

Daniel: She says it with the see the vocal fry is what really is what really gives it.

Ashley: Yeah. Yeah. That felt that out there. I felt the judgment, you know, there was not, not actual concern. No, no, no.

Daniel: Nicole said I had to read this one because I have a penis. thanks. Patriarchy.

No,

Laurel: because you are a man.

Daniel: Oh, you'll give it the,

Ashley: the, the vibe it needs.

Daniel: it's on this website that's like for religion in general. And this is written by David with all of them? Yeah. Yeah. But they've got, it's

Nichole: all of them.

Oh, okay. Yeah. And they are, I love. I did a little bit of digging. They are anti-Trump, a lot of articles about like, you can't be a real Catholic and support Trump. Huh. And it's like, great. Cool. Okay. All right. But this is bad shit.

Daniel: okay. I guess it starts with a little trauma sharing here. I've lived through the tragedy of seeing loved ones, respected leaders and close friends wreck their marriages through a single act of infidelity.

Whenever I hear the tragically familiar story of another couple caught in the aftermath of adultery, it's a wake up call for me. I feel like reading this in the voice of like a soldier in like a eighties action film. Yeah. Ooh. Yeah. Yeah.



Daniel: I want to do everything in my power to prevent infidelity because I'm convinced that without proper safeguards, it could happen to anybody.

Laurel: Jesus proper safeguards. like a bumper at the bowling alley.

Daniel: I don't know, like a, like a vest. Like you just, you don't wanna catch like a stray pussy bullet.

Ashley: Yeah. Yeah. Monogamy. I hear that. Is that they're constantly being tempted. They walk the street people, there's, they make 'em wear a, so you know that there's like a horrible cheat with you.

So I do. I imagine it must be easy.

Daniel: I know that my marriage, my family, my ministry, and my credibility as an advocate for stronger marriages could be instantly shot with one single act of infidelity I did not notice all the violence in

Laurel: this. Well, sex is the greatest violence you can do to a marriage.

Ashley: I also, I watch a lot of true crime and I would say like 78% of cases are, they were cheating and so then someone died. Yep. There was cheating and then there was a murder.

Yeah,

Daniel: so monogamy directly leads to murder. To murder, monogamy. That is what I've seen leading cause of death. Monogamy, monogamy. Monogamy.

Ashley: I've

only ever seen two true crime episodes that had polyamory, polyamorous people in them.

Daniel: And those were cults. Right.

Ashley: No,

Laurel: really. Wait, I wanna know more about this, but,

Daniel: you're gonna bring those to the, your next appearance, which we does. Yeah. I'll have

Ashley: to like, I'll give you the names and info. Yes. Because one of 'em is really crazy. Ooh. He ends up like basically dating his own like cousin who was young.

It's messed up. Whoa.

Laurel: Okay.

Ashley: Tastes like Florida.

Daniel: Yeah. I refuse to allow that to happen. And I know I can't rely solely on my willpower or good intentions, which I don't have to fair proof my marriage. And you shouldn't either.

Laurel: But you can rely on this one simple trick.

It's pretty much that. Yeah.

Nichole: It's, it's seven simple tricks.

Wow. Okay.

Daniel: That's how my fidelity was broken with seven simple tricks.

below are five laws of fidelity I've adopted to safeguard my marriage. Is it five? It says seven rules at the top, but then he just says five. This was not proofread. Wow. All right. He,

Ashley: he edit, he self edited. He was like, you know what, seven, I don't like that number. Prime feels weird. Let's, lets go back.

Maybe it five Five's easy to remember.



Daniel: These might seem drastic to you, but I don't think there can be any lengths too Great. When it comes to protecting a marriage, if you'll commit to these in your own marriage, you'll be instantly protecting your marriage, your reputation, and your legacy from the scars adultery can cause.

One, I never meet alone with a woman other than my wife. That one's stolen from Mike Pence, right? Absolutely. Yeah. That's a common one

Ashley: I feel like. Yeah. Yes,

Daniel: it goes into detail.

I never meet up for coffee or lunch with any woman other than my wife or my mom. Yeah. Unless it's a group setting. I'm never in public or in private alone with a woman. This policy protect me from temptation.

It honors my wife. Ashley. Ugh. Yeah.

Ashley: I, I just love when, when guys do this, when they're like, never alone. like if I walked into a room and closed the door behind me, I would just need to have sex with him immediately. Like it would just have to go down. Yeah. Like they're just so tempting that it would be like the door, we're alone.

Let's go immediately.

Daniel: I'm really distracted. One of the reasons why I was like, we have to do this with you is because of how persistent he is with mentioning his wife by name. Like, he's like mad at her with my wife, Ashley.

Ashley: Well, it's, yeah. Yeah. It is such an annoying like sorority girl name that you can't say it without it being kind of like Ashley, like, and it's my name and I'm still like, you can call me Ash.

Actually, like, it's,

Daniel: And it protects my reputation, even in a counseling situation with a woman, which I try to avoid. I make sure to keep my door open. I don't want to create a scenario where whispers of improper conduct could even be entertained.

Laurel: He's a pastor. And he won't, so he,

Ashley: so he won't meet with women alone? Yeah. Okay. So if you're a woman in need of guidance, so, sorry. Too bad. Too

Daniel: bad. When Wow. When they say that they need help and guidance, he's like

Nichole: I know what you mean, harlett.

Ashley: Yeah. He's like, the only guidance you need is to stay away from a man because they're a whore.

Daniel: this was your favorite, Nicole?

Nichole: Mm-hmm.

Daniel: Whenever I send a text message to a woman, I copy my wife.

Nichole: That's insane to me. Whoa. That's insane to me.

Ashley: this is something that girls do now. I have seen this on like 90 day fiance and I've seen girls on Twitter be like, if he doesn't give you full access to his inbox or like iMessage so you can see everything he sends and guess he seen on it.

It's not real. And I think that is crazy. That is

Nichole: nuts

Ashley: to me. It's like the same as like having someone's location all the time. Alex, to me that's. Like, I can't imagine it, but then someone like eight years younger than me is like, that's completely normal. Like what? Your boyfriend doesn't care about you if he doesn't have your location 24 7.

And it's like,

Daniel: now, now I copy my partners on my texts, but that's simply because they are the only ones who are actually going to respond. It is to anyone. It is

Laurel: simply because you confuse us all the time and you're not sure who you're sending a message to. So I just do

Daniel: both just in case, you know?

I'm gonna write a counter article to this. Yeah.

Laurel: That's how to follow these rules and still be a cheater.

Ashley: Oh, yeah. Yeah. I, yeah. I do feel like so far I could cheat my way around all these rules. Yeah, absolutely. I'm not feeling like I've been stopped yet. Yeah. I feel like if anyone can crack it,

Laurel: it's oral. Yeah. I don't need to be alone in a room with somebody to have sex with 'em.

Daniel: There have been some work related texts where I've overlooked this rule. But nearly every time I send a text message to a female other than my wife or my mom, I copy my wife on the message. This simultaneously keeps Ashley in the loop about everything I'm doing and it also sends the clear message to Ashley and everyone else in my life that we have a marriage with no secrets.

Multiple: Oh

Laurel: my God. What a crazy violation of privacy. If like someone messaged me and their like wife or partner or husband is just on the thread, wasn't Yeah.

Nichole: Wasn't participating in the conversation, just there

Ashley: never met them. Yeah. That would

Nichole: freak

Ashley: me out. Yeah. I like, I would actually assume they are trying to like unicorn hunt me.

Right. And they want a threesome. That would be my assumption. Yes. Even if it was work related stuff, I would be like, he wants me to fuck my coworker and like his wife. Like that is what he wants, right? Yeah.

Laurel: On work related stuff. What if you fucking CC'd Nicole on every work email you sent, but only the women?

Only the women. That would be sexual harassment. Man.

Daniel: Its really sad. But I think in this day and age, they would assume that Nicole is my AI assistant. Honestly, that's, yeah. Yeah, that's true. I share all my passwords. I don't have a password or a pin that Ashley doesn't know. There are no hidden accounts, hidden emails, burner cell phones, who brought up who, even who. Set

Ashley: first. I be like, that's like, yeah, like that sounds like you used to have one didn you.

Daniel: Yeah. Is that how we got here or anything else?

That would be off limits to my wife, other than a few surprise birthday parties and gifts. We have a secret free guarantee in marriage secrets are as dangerous as lies.

Nichole: Again, he states like, oh, she has all my passwords.

And then lists all the things you could get away with. Like hidden accounts. Yeah.

Multiple: And then burner phones,

Ashley: like, and if you were to want, if you wanted to get around this, you would have to have a burner phone and maybe a separate email account and maybe that, but I and I, and that is why I don't have those things.

Because you would, because that, but I don't, but I don't,

Daniel: Four. I don't watch porn or sexually explicit content. Porn is an act of mental infidelity. I share my personal story. I used to be hooked on porn, no shit. And some compelling stats on pornography in my popular post the Truth About Porn, which you can read by clicking here.

Nichole: No, thank you.

Daniel: Even in R-rated movies or shows where there's a scene of gratuitous nudity or strong sexual content, I'll look away out of respect for my wife, Ashley. Wow. Wow.

Multiple: What a nerd. Wow. Can you imagine just in the

Ashley: theater, shielding his eyes Exactly. Going, I

Nichole: love my wife. I love my wife.

He's in like Titanic and it's like the drawing scene. He's like, oh no.

Multiple: Oh no. Oh no.

Daniel: I want to remain constantly vigilant of the fact that infidelity never starts in a bedroom. It always starts in the mind.

Laurel: I

Ashley: gotta be real. That was kind of a bar. He kind, that was kind. It doesn't start. That was the Yeah, yeah. Infidelity starts in the mind. That's, If I heard that in the pulpit, I would be like, preach.

Wow. That's

Daniel: like, damn. That's why I love thinking,

This is my favorite, five, I give side hugs. This might seem cheesy.

Laurel: Oh my God. But

Daniel: it's also very important. Some people hug members of the opposite sex with full frontal assault that can border on an illegal groping. I never want physical touch to be misconstrued in any way.

So even with close female friends, I try to stick with the side hug.

Nichole: How are they hugging in his church? Oh my God. He got

Ashley: real. What is happening? How are they

Nichole: hugging Roman hands?

Ashley: I'm not a hugger, but I don't think I've ever, I, I don't think I've ever received a hug. I would describe that way.

Laurel: As an assault?

Yeah. A full frontal assault. A full frontal assault. Wow. I think this man is on a sex offender registry list. Yes.

Daniel: Or he was assaulted with a hug once, there was one hug that he just never recovered from.

Ashley: And Ashley was like, I can tell you're still thinking about that hug. Yeah.

When you looked away during Titanic, I could tell you were thinking about that. Hug

Laurel: number six.

Daniel: I don't engage in ongoing dialogues with women on social media. with the nature of what I do, I get hundreds of emails and Facebook messages per week. I do my best to respond, but whenever a female,

Laurel: why are you gesturing at me when you say female? Well, I was hoping, oh, Hooman. Thank you. Yeah.

Daniel: But whenever a female seems to want to engage in an ongoing dialogue, I cut it off, out of respect for my wife. Wow.

Ashley: I like how, what's continued is like, she, they sent a message.

He is like, God bless, and then we cut it off.

Laurel: does he just ghost them or does he say like, yeah. Is it like, here's a, you can talk to? Yeah.

These women are asking for help. Right. Yeah. Like his line of work is pastoring,

Ashley: which past. Yeah. He's, I feel like there's women out there who do wanna, like, you know, they got their pastor fantasy, but Yeah. I'd imagine it's mostly women being like, would you like to officiate my wedding?

Nichole: Right, right. Yeah.

Ashley: Like, you're missing out on business deals, sir,

Daniel: Many affairs start by crossing lines on social media. You and your spouse may need to create a social media set of rules

Laurel: posts. Why do you need a whole separate set of rules when you're just CCing her on everything anyway?

Ashley: You can't cc someone on an Instagram, like, see, he's not getting all those updates unless they share the account. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. That's true.

Laurel: That's

Daniel: true.

Ashley: I would imagine like he has alerts on for everything and it's like new, like new share or anything. Mm-hmm.

Laurel: I bet he does not get a hundred messages. That's what you're calling bullshit ever. I mean, yeah. I like, I was

Daniel: like, sure buddy. Yeah. I guess this is the last, unless he's written more in the time that since I last read this, I think he's just coming back and just adding

did I mention the burner phones again?

Ashley: Don't

Daniel: use those.

It just gets into more and more obscure spycraft.

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: As it goes

Nichole: on,

Don't take a drone over to your neighbor's wife's. Window and don't peer in in the early mornings.

Don't

Laurel: do that. Don't do it. You are CCing your wife on the video footage. On the video.

Ashley: If

Laurel: she's directing, then

Ashley: it's okay. Yes.

Daniel: Number seven. I make time together with my wife a priority. A fair proofing your marriage isn't just about defense. It's also about being proactive when it comes to investing in your marriage.

Ashley and I are always looking for ways to spend time together and invest in our relationship and creating resources to help other couples do the same. Don't let your marriage get stuck on autopilot or else there's a good chance it will crash someday.

Multiple: Jesus.

Laurel: I love that it took us to number seven, the last rule to do anything nurturing to this relationship,

Multiple: right? Yeah.

Ashley: It's like all, it's like, oh, like, I don't know. Maybe talk to your wife, open up to her, don't, and then instead of maybe all the spy stuff. That seven could have been number one, right?

Multiple: Yeah. Right.

Ashley: Enjoy your relationship and you won't wanna cheat.

Laurel: Number seven, try to like her

Daniel: ev every day. Give her a groping salt hug. Oh my God,

Ashley: Yeah, I don't think they're okay over there. that's not Okay.

Daniel: Ashley, as the one who has been CC'd on all these emails,

can you, can you give us a peek into, into the secret life of, uh,

Ashley: Dan

Nichole: Willis?

Daniel: Dave, Dave, Dave Will, Dave Willis,

Ashley: uh, yeah. As his wife Ashley. God, my phone is constantly ringing. I'm so busy constantly reading everything he is sending. I have no life of my own, uh, my morning, noon, and night. It's just looking at everything he's doing and sending what, seeing how he hugs people.

Yeah. That's all, that's all I got at time to dedicate myself to, until he dedicates a little bit of time for me. That is our Friday date night. And, uh, oh my God. That hour and a half. That's true. Love.

Laurel: I'm never gonna be able to think of a side hugger. The same way ever again. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Ashley: I just thought it was like an innocent thing you do. Like when you don't really like sin, but you're like, oh, hey. Yeah.

Exactly. He's be with you. You're in church, but wow. He's doing it so he doesn't get a massive erection.

Laurel: Yep.

Ashley: From full frontal assault.

Laurel: This man must be so horny all the time. All the time. All the time. All the

Daniel: time. there's nothing like repression to make the sex that you do have Pretty fucking bonkers, the

Ashley: craziest kint people I know are all like ex-Mormon, like they were super religious.

Daniel: the sky is like licking exposed Victorian ankles.

Laurel: that's not on his rule list. Yeah,

Ashley: yeah, yeah. That wasn't on there. Yeah. Yeah. Another way to get around it.

See from the side.

Multiple: Um,

Daniel: we've discovered monogamy as usual. Not Okay. Not okay. Not okay.

Nichole: Not okay. We have another question that we ask.

Daniel: Oh yeah. What's that?

Nichole: Is this Polly?

Laurel: It's the cartoon Futurama. the beast with a billion backs.

Daniel: there's only, there's only one beast.

There's only one Yvo. Yeah. didn't, as usual with like the Matt Graining, universe, like There's a lot of threads that we cannot concern ourselves with.

Nichole: Correct.

Laurel: Says you

Nichole: No. Says me too.

Daniel: Do you wanna make this all about kif?

Nichole: This isn't a democracy.

Daniel: the poly plots, there are poly plots of plenty in this, right?

It starts out with Fry dating a new girl named Colleen Woman. Woo. Man, chief of Police. Whoa, man. Chief of Police, Colleen played by a, still alive. Brittany Murphy.

That that was

Ashley: That. Heard a bit. Yeah. That did.

Yeah. Still miss her. Still miss her. Yes. Too

Daniel: soon.

Ashley: Little too soon.

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: And she was, she was really like lovable in this, except for the scene where she is. A riot cop beating an elderly man, which was a little hard for me to watch. In 2026, correct? Yeah. So he starts dating Colleen. And Colleen is polyamorous and has five, count him, five boyfriends.

Nichole: Including Fry.

Daniel: Including Fry.

Nichole: And this is a surprise to Fry.

Daniel: It's a fry surprise. One of them is really, really Jewish.

Ashley: Correct? That

Daniel: is true, yeah. And we've talked about like, there's no Jewish representation in Star Trek, but fucking Futurama here in this molecule.

Yeah. You've got Shlomo.

Multiple: Yeah.

Ashley: Shmo.

Daniel: Mm-hmm.

Ashley: Important representation. Yeah. Yeah.

Daniel: what did you all think of Colleen's molecule?

Nichole: I mean, I wish she would've been upfront, but then that wouldn't have been, yeah. As fun of a twist

Daniel: what does it say about the future though, if it's almost taken for granted. She's like, oh yeah. Of like, of course I've got five, I've got four boyfriends.

Ashley: I mean, I, I do love that this is a future where clearly polyamory is an accepted norm. Mm-hmm. But, you know, she wasn't ethical with

Laurel: it.

It's true. Yeah. She wasn't upfront about it. Big bummer. I feel like this movie episode has me bouncing back and forth between, a kind of like glee about Polly representation and holding my head in my hand. Mm-hmm. Yeah. yeah, it's like really fun when, when Fry is like, uh, okay, sure.

Whatever. I love you. We'll, we'll do this. And then they're having like a sweet, nice time at the dinner table. But then somehow Frys just starts an argument between everybody. Mm-hmm.

and then it like waffles back to the like, oh, is everyone just really hate each other? And they're all just tolerating it because Brittany Murphy's hot.

Daniel: Well, and, and Fry is the Buck Rogers of the situation. You gotta remember, like Fry is the one from our time period mm-hmm. Who got thrown into the future and he, he doesn't know how to fucking navigate this.

Ashley: Yeah. Okay. I don't need, like, opening up wasn't out. He didn't have the ethical slut before he got frozen. Yeah. He doesn't know anything.

Daniel: . So then the sky rips open. like, being a Gen Xer, like, and having the, the specter of fucking nuclear war, this was the type of dream that I always had.

Mm-hmm. Like. There would be a nuclear explosion somewhere, and then there the sky would be like broken.

Nichole: Mm-hmm. So this brought

Laurel: you back Yeah. To your nightmares. Yes. As a child. Yeah.

Ashley: And then years later you'd wake up and be forced into a polyamorous relationship.

Yeah.

Laurel: And here you are. Welcome to Poly Amateur

Daniel: Hour.

Which one of you is the cop? Whoa. They send an expedition fry as part of the expedition.

Laurel: No, he's a ow away. He's stoic. Oh, that's right. Yeah. He's, so, he, he,

Nichole: he's usually

Daniel: owing away.

Ashley: Yeah. That's common for

Nichole: Fry. he breaks up with Colleen. Yes. Um, and moves out of her high-rise poll.

That's

Ashley: after Colleen. She was gonna get like a, another boyfriend It's a big dramatic breakup. Mope like a, yeah. A world traversing, yeah. Breakup, mope. I'm going to go to another universe to get away from my ex's molecule.

Laurel: Yeah. Yeah.

Daniel: Been there.



Nichole: so yeah. So he stows away on the military mission To the hole.

In the universe.

Laurel: And he is, gonna like jettison himself through the hole in the universe. I'm not exactly sure what his plan was, but he was like, I'm gonna put, get in a spacesuit and I'm gonna go to the hole.

Nichole: fry goes through the hole in the universe, yeah. Mm-hmm. Comes upon a creature.

Multiple: Mm-hmm.

Nichole: And then we cut back to earth and the tentacles of the creature start to come through, The hole in the universe and start to go down to earth and like, like through fry. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. And then Fry appears with the tentacle in his neck, basically saying like, you guys. This is the greatest thing.

Daniel: Yeah. He's the pope of this new religion as he describes it. And he's floating like before them like the pope does when Right when he performs.

Yeah, yeah,

Nichole: yeah. He performs and he's got his Vegas raise at residency

Daniel: and so all the tentacles go into everybody. They go right in the back of the neck, which is like a but metaphor, I'm pretty sure.

Laurel: De yeah, definitely, definitely. But you

Daniel: neck. But

Laurel: like they couldn't just do it up the butt in the cartoon if they wanted to.

Ashley: Yeah. That's difficult to draw, to deal. It is just getting around. Yeah.

Daniel: Everybody who gets a tentacle in their neck is like, this is amazing. Yeah. This is fucking amazing. Love the tentacle And, and that's both a declaration and a suggestion.

Laurel: Yes. But it, it's also very clear that it's not like we're not just like pod people. We, we aren't of the tentacle. We are just in relationship with the tentacle.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: Now, yes.

Daniel: Yeah. They're not controlled by the tentacle.

Laurel: Yeah.

Ashley: Yeah. It's not a pluribus situation.

Daniel: Yes.

Laurel: And so, the other characters like trying to evade being caught by the tentacle. Eventually, they all are. And are in relationship with Evo. Yes. Evo. Yeah. Evo Evo. Evo Evo. Evo

Nichole: Evo declares himself through Fry as like you guys, I just wanted to love you.

Daniel: Lela. she finds out, she analyzes this and she discovers that in fact this is a sexual organ, the tentacle, and that the tentacle is like breeding with. With everybody. With everybody. And everyone goes,

Nichole: Ew, what

Daniel: the tentacle is like,

Laurel: And then I really love that like, there's just like this intergalactic council formed of everybody, like making a dec decisions together about continuing their relationship with Evo and then Fry being like, and like, they go, they take a shift to like go to Evos Universe and be like, so, um, yeah. About our date. Like it's not

Daniel: working.

Nichole: Yeah. They

Daniel: break up with Yvo. Well, they're about to And then Yvo. Yeah. And

Ashley: he proposes. Yeah. Oh,

Laurel: that's

Nichole: right.

Laurel: Yeah, yeah, yeah. The

Ashley: ultimate monogamous trap.

Laurel: Yep. With like a giant world sized diamond.

Daniel: they all move in with Yvo in Evos universe because Yvo can't fucking exist in our universe. Oh, wow. So they all move in with him and or them, no, wait, I'm sorry. I've been misgendering. Yvo.

Laurel: sch

Daniel: slur?

Schur, thank you for remembering. And Schlimm

Laurel: or Schlimm?

Daniel: Schlimm. Yeah. 2008, felt like one of the last moments where popular media could mock , non-binary pronouns.

Nichole: I don't even think non-binary pronouns were like in the zeitgeist at that time.

2008. I

Ashley: remember like 2008. I remember because of Tumblr, like Z, Z, like the X, like Z. Those were big. Yeah. That was the thing then was the like, instead of she, he, because it takes, he, it was like Z,

Nichole: like X. That hard, like it, it didn't stick.

Ashley: Yeah. Those did not work. Everyone was like, how about just they, I like

Daniel: they.

Yeah. So, they move in with slur.

Laurel: Mm-hmm.

Daniel: It's like heaven. Yeah. And it's like specifically, it's like poly heaven.

Nichole: yes. YVO says you can never talk to another universe ever again. But all of the folks in poly heaven are also hooking up with each other.

Yeah. So it's like they're all in relationship with Yvo and each other.

Daniel: It's one great big closed, giga quad ad.

Laurel: yeah. It's a Polyus universe.

Daniel: It's a Polyus universe.

Nichole: And then,

the entire time Bender the robot who is like, yeah, Bender's

Ashley: been on like his whole, this whole other thing.

Yeah. Whole

Nichole (2): other thing bender and Fry used to live together and, while Bender does want to kill all of humanity, he also misses his roommate who won't watch TV with him and like decides that he's gonna bring. Everyone back to earth. , And does so by attacking Yvo.

Laurel: Yeah. Because Fry wrote him a letter mm-hmm.

On Evo universe stationary.

Daniel: And Yvo matter is the only thing that can damage Evo matter.

Laurel: Yeah. Yeah. Mm-hmm. So, uh, yeah, bender makes a weapon an a sword sheathed in, in this letter.

Ashley: Yeah. And like electric stuff that I didn't, I, you know, sometimes you just say Okay to the science. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like, sure. Okay,

Laurel: sure. Yeah, that totally works.

Daniel: non-human

jilted, platonic partner. Bender is like, I'm going to go rescue fry from this molecule that he's incredibly happy in.

drags Evo out of Evos universe. And it seems like Evo is actually still going to defeat them until Evo finds out.

This letter was written, and is like, Yeah. Ali's heartbroken. Slee, And decides to break it off with all of this universe. Yeah.

Nichole: Yeah. Except for Colleen. Except for Colleen.

Ashley: What? Yeah. If I had Brittany Murphy's voice, yeah. I'd make that same choice. Yeah,

Nichole: yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Daniel: Is this whole thing felt like the dream hallucination of somebody who had been jolted by a poly partner, had been in a poly relationship, which didn't work 'cause they couldn't deal with the polyamory. So everything that happens between Fry and Colleen seems like real kind of grounded earth shit.

Multiple: Mm-hmm.

Daniel: And then the rest of it is some crazy dream.

Nichole: is this person like. Trying to deal with the grief of that relationship, and this is how that manifests.

Daniel: Yeah. it manifested in them writing the script for this episode. Oh,

Ashley: absolutely. Absolutely. There was some, yeah, absolutely.

There was some failed poly hue in Hollywood that led to the script.

Nichole: Yes. so we get the mirror images of like actual, like poly love, right? And like openness and queerness and um, and then we have Bender's speech about what love is. It's the only way you're gonna find love. It's how you gotta be to work.

Yeah. It's the only way you know that you're in love. Yeah. You're in love. Yeah. If like, if you are not jealous of your partner or you're not making your partner jealous, they don't love you, you don't love them.

Yeah.

Ashley: That was actually number eight on that guys list I think. So constantly be making each other jealous.

Daniel: what part of humanity does Bender represent?

Nichole: He's the bros.

Daniel: Mm.

Nichole: He drinks beer. He has a myopic view of all of humanity, Uhhuh, which is to kill them.

Uhhuh, he likes his television shows. Uhhuh. he thinks that he's important enough to be in the League of Robots, and he's a fucking stalker. And he is a fucking stalker. Yes. He's a bro and he's

Ashley: stalker. And a womanizer and a woman.

Nichole: Yes. Yeah.

Ashley: Okay. I mean, kind of an everything EI,

Nichole: yeah. Yeah. One thing goes wrong and he's like, well, I guess I'm gonna kill myself. Like, it's like,

Daniel: wow. I didn't expect such an incredibly concise and accurate answer, but thank you.

Nichole: Do you have a concise and accurate answer for the question?

Daniel: Is this

Nichole: poly?

Ashley: I think it's, I think this is Polly. Pretty positive representation for us. I, you know, like a lot of people wanna say pluribus is a poly situation. No. Because all of those people are controlled by one person. No. You know, consent to it that, you know, they're just swapping brains basically in different bodies.

This, you, you get, you can get poly fights, you know, you got the metamor who wants to do something different,

Laurel: like at first they do kind of like want you to believe that it is like a, a pod person or pluribus situation.

' but it becomes clear that everyone is still themselves. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Um, and it's sort of like, it is kind of like questionable in that there Yeah. There's no initial consent for the. Penetration. Yeah.

Ashley: Getting like a tentacle put in your net, I guess. Yeah. Yeah.

Laurel: But they're glad they did it once they're there.

Daniel: Did you see the way that next went dressed and doesn't

Ashley: how a lot of us fall into polyamory?

It was about sex. I know. And now, hey, I'm in it and I'm pretty happy when we

Laurel: done here.

Multiple: Oh my God.

Laurel: but yeah, I think like regardless of, the shady intentions of Yvo and Colleen's inability to be straightforward, I do think it's, it's poly.

Yeah. And I do think that the sort of idyllic heaven is a very positive portrayal of it. but like the fall of it and Bender kind of being this like representation of sort of like the most, Base mm-hmm. Of our tendencies, of our human tendencies mm-hmm. Is sort of the like, oh yeah.

We're not ready for that yet. Yeah.

Nichole: Yeah. I am gonna say yes, I mean, I don't know, just kind of echoing both of you.

Like it might not be the best representation of Polly, but there are Polly elements there and I think for the conversation in 2008, it was probably like maybe the best that they could do. Yeah. Like, um, it wasn't necessarily part of the zeitgeist yet.

Daniel: Um, I'm gonna also say yes, My favorite representations of polyamory show a lot of the messy corners of it.

I think it makes me feel more like it's actually depicting reality. Mm-hmm. And it's strange to say a cartoon comedy about the future is among the most realistic depictions of polyamory that I've seen in popular media.

So hooray for satire being one of the few things that I actually believe anymore.

Oh, please, everybody, listen to Ashley's podcast as well. Oh yeah. Yeah.

Ashley: Yeah. Tv. I say with Ashley Ray, uh, we talk about all things TV with your favorite people who make tv.

Uh, if you need new things to watch, uh, if you need recommendations or reviews on poly things. Oh, I am talking about that all the time. I watch Poly Family and I can tell you all my thoughts, so hell

Multiple: yeah.

Ashley: At the Ashley Ray everywhere. Uh, you can head to my substack deep trouble. Ooh. Uh, that is where I have a lot of poly writing and Right. A lot of poly advice for people.

Uh, you can always send me your questions. People do, I'll get a DM that's like, so my meta or cheated and light about this and what, so always happy to listen.

Daniel: Yeah. If you're gonna get advice, get it from a comic because at the very least

Laurel: Ooh, yeah.

Daniel: It's gonna be fun. To listen to. It'll be funny. Yeah. Yeah.

Ashley: I've been through so much of it, so much. I've just, I've dated so many people. Flat earthers, just poor people. Like all, all of the bad things to date, I've done it all.

Nichole: Did you say poor people?

Ashley: I meant to say like a homosexual and then I was like, I think that term is.

Canceled now.

So then went with, you know what The Poors,