Nichole: Herbivore

Laurel: Herbivore.

Nichole: Herbivore, herbivore, herbivore.

Which one is it?

Daniel: You're just gonna be broken for the rest of the day trying to figure this out.

Nichole: Yeah.

Laurel: This is what I do in meetings. When somebody asks me a question, I don't know the answer to.

Daniel: You glitch out.

Laurel: I say herbivore.

Herbivore. And then they glitch out.

Nichole: that is a tactic.

Laurel: Mm-hmm.

Nichole: But instead of herbivore, herbivore, it's people. Using corporate jargon.

Laurel: Oh, yeah.

Nichole: Just at people.

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: So that other people feel like they have to nod along and then nothing gets done.

Laurel: Oh, yeah. That's a, that's a sweet one.

Nichole: Real,

Daniel: I do this by like, making references that hardly anybody gets, in fact, I've been called out on this, Dante is constantly telling me that my jokes or my similes their shelf life has expired.

Nichole: That would cut me to the core that my references and jokes have a shelf life.

It's expired. My jokes and references are timeless.

Daniel: Dante wants to make sure that everything is accessible for Gen Z.

Nichole: Who gives a fuck? Read a book?

Daniel: There's no books about, okay. So the ones that I got called out on.

Nichole: Okay.

Daniel: One, I was the only person on a screen for a meeting when everybody else was in the room. And I said, oh, sorry for being all max headroom over here.

Nichole: That's exactly the reference I would make too.

Daniel: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Alright. I've still got you. You're still with me?

Laurel: We are. We're all old here?

Daniel: Yes. Yeah. Okay. The other one was, okay. We were making this, , product It is smaller, but it's not necessarily more compact in a way that it's good for small spaces. Okay. I said this is only good for small spaces if your small space is a being John Malkovich room.

Nichole: Yes.

Daniel: Where it's only four feet tall

Nichole: again, timeless.

Daniel: Yeah. Yeah.

Laurel: But they didn't know who John Malkovich was. Mm-hmm.

Daniel: They were like, let alone being him.

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: The, the reference that I made, that nobody got was for this introduction for a workshop I was teaching about relationship management, quote unquote.

I said, do you wanna take your relationship skills to the next level? and then I said, sure. We all do. in reference to. uh, Sally Struthers with the like, Like,

Daniel: I

Nichole: I thought that was accessible,

Daniel: honey.

Nichole: No, don't tell me that. Who doesn't know who Sally Struthers is? Or one 800 Make some cash.

Daniel: I was there with you without necessarily understanding,

Nichole: oh,

Daniel: is the spirit,

Nichole: where have you lost people?

Daniel: I like that this is the opening Yeah. Of our fucking, let's talk about, let's just spit out some things that nobody is going to understand.

Somebody said about our podcast, like one of the things that they really said that was great about it in a review. They were like, we love how they slow down and explain things. Oh,

Nichole: There are gonna be stupids who understand these references and they're gonna feel special.

Laurel: They are.

Nichole: And seen.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: Our five listeners will absolutely

Nichole: one to two of those listeners,

Laurel: one and a half. There's one who's partnered with somebody's who's old.

Daniel: They're gonna, they're gonna turn to their partner and be like, they're talking about the Colgate Comedy Hour again.

Nichole: Yeah. I don't even know if it's an age thing. I think I just like, I, I just have vast amounts of pop culture knowledge just in, in this noggin, and I trot it out. You know, why, to entertain myself because I get bored easily.

And so at work on bad dates, it's just me making cultural references and jokes to entertain myself,

Daniel: what is work, but one really long, bad date. for somebody who's never gonna love you back, no matter how much work you put into the relationship.

Nichole: Oh my God,

Laurel: that's true.

Nichole: That is the truest thing I've heard all week.

Daniel: Welcome to Poly Amateur Hour.

Laurel: I'm Laurel.

Nichole: I'm Nicole.

Daniel: I'm Daniel.

Nichole: That's it. Have

Laurel: a

Nichole: good night.

Oh man,

Daniel: it has been such a week. It's gonna be another week. This is going to be like our little mini series of like Daniel's death in the family journey.

Laurel: Mm-hmm.

Daniel: Gonna be just little updates every episode I feel like. So what's

Laurel: the update this week?

Daniel: His house. I tried to, explain this at our Star Trek night the other night.

Nichole: Uhhuh.

Laurel: Oh yeah. The booby traps and hidden doors. Mm-hmm.

Daniel: Uhhuh. Yeah. Yeah. All of his treasures

Laurel: mm-hmm.

Daniel: Are like hidden around the house. And then there's things that you don't know whether they're hidden because they're valuable or hidden because he forgot about them.

Laurel: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes,

Daniel: He told us there were booby traps, like guarding certain treasures.

Laurel: Mm-hmm.

Daniel: My dad was a dealer of Japanese antiquities. He would've hated to say dealer. I don't know, like, uh, international expert of mystery.

Nichole: purveyor guardian.

Daniel: his North star for like, his interior design, I think is the, Chinese old man's antique shop in Chinatown, in Gremlins, the original gremlins.

Nichole: Mm-hmm. I was gonna say it's legends of the Hidden Temple, but is that a reference you don't get

because there are booby traps in there.

Daniel: Is this a, is this a sexual thing?

Nichole: Legends of the hidden temple?

Daniel: Yeah. Is it a game that we play? Where I, is

Laurel: this a sex bit

Daniel: where I explore the, the legends of your Hidden temple?

Nichole: You know what? Now I think there needs to be a sex parody of Wait. Nope.

Laurel: Why not?

Nichole: These are children's shows. That's why there were like game shows that Nickelodeon had double Dare.

Laurel: Mm-hmm.

Nichole: legends of the Hidden Temple. So it was a bunch of kids climbing over foam rocks, and bashing buttons.

Laurel: Yeah. And like getting little like tiki statues.

Nichole: Yes.

Laurel: Mm. And placing them on things.

Nichole: Yeah. I think it was racist.

Laurel: It probably was. Yeah.

Daniel: Oh yeah. Everything was racist in the nineties. It's true. Yeah. so there's gonna be a lot of excavating. to distract me from mourning. It's just gonna be a lot of crawling through, like crawl spaces in a house with black mold.

Laurel: Yeah. Yeah. Bring your PPE

Daniel: My what?

Laurel: Your PPE.

Daniel: Is that, is that a digital penis? Oh, that's the EPP.

Laurel: The EPP. Mm-hmm.

Nichole: Yeah. You

Laurel: know me.

Daniel: that's the first one of yours that I got today, Nicole.

Laurel: God damnit.

well good luck with that Daniel.

We'll catch up with you next week.

Nichole: Now on to sports.

Laurel: Did you see that football game?

Daniel: I had somebody that I went out with years ago this was kind of before I was really firm in my like identity as being non-monogamous.

Laurel: Mm-hmm.

Daniel: Or then later polyamorous. And I kind of like slow rolled it

on our.

First date and then afterwards her, the message was, I don't really think I wanna see you anymore. 'cause I'm not into sport dating,

Nichole: sport dating,

Daniel: sport dating.

Laurel: I don't put that in my profile.

Nichole: I mean, I know that she meant it in a negative, but

Daniel: what if I showed up in a tracksuit doing stretches?

Nichole: Yeah. Dating for sport. That's hilarious.

Laurel: It is hilarious.

Daniel: and I'm like, I'm gonna win.

Nichole: Yeah.

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: You know what? There are a shit ton of people out there who date for sport.

They just don't know it.

Laurel: Yeah. That is very true.

Daniel: Most monogamous people are actually more dating for sport.

Laurel: I, yeah. I think that probably, probably the truth is that she was dating for sport. She had, she probably had an end goal in mind. Yeah.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: She was gonna score. Oh,

Nichole: it is a natural segue though.

Laurel: to our, our ask the amateurs.



Nichole: Wait, where did this question come from?

Laurel: It came from our website. If you'd like to submit an anonymous question to us, you can write in on our form on poly amateur hour.com. You can also email us at Poly Amateur hour@gmail.com. You can DM us on Instagram or Blue Sky at Poly amateur Hour.

Nichole: Cool.

Laurel: All right. Can you guys explain cow girling? I was recently having dinner with friends and this term got brought up and made me LOL

Would love to hear a little explanation in y'all's words.

Nichole: Mm. So this person came to us instead of Google.

Daniel: Well, they came to us. They want us. They wanna, they want it in our words. Yeah. Because we're old and we have a lot of words. Ah, we, we know so many,

Nichole: we know so many words.

Daniel: Yeah. What they don't realize is that you gain words as you get older to a certain.

Extent. and then you start losing words.

Laurel: It's like a, it's a bell curve of word knowledge.

Daniel: Yes.

Laurel: Yeah. Yeah. How many words did you lose today?

Daniel: I can't even begin to count. It's just a leak at the bottom of my bucket. one thing that I'm seeing about this mm-hmm. Is this ask the amateurs is going to result in a kind of a nesting doll of segments,

Laurel: Maka. Mm-hmm.

Daniel: Because first off, what they have really requested is a normy corner.

Laurel: Oh,

Nichole: true.

Laurel: That is true. Cow girling, cowboying, cow poking or lassoing.

Daniel: Mm-hmm.

Nichole: is a person dating a polyamorous person with the express intent of taking that person away from their other partners and making them monogamous.

Daniel: I might even say there doesn't necessarily have to be a conscious attempt, like they don't necessarily even have to know that they're doing it.

Mm-hmm. In order to. complete the act.

Laurel: Do they have to be monogamous

Daniel: to begin with?

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: No,

Laurel: you're right.

Daniel: but the end result has to be monogamy. they can't like, take you from another, from one molecule to another molecule. And of, I don't think that that's, I don't think that's last song.

What

Laurel: do you call that? Do you call that extraction?

Daniel: That's it, that's the word that I was looking for, but I'm like 10 years older than you and I couldn't remember it.

Laurel: It leaked out of your bucket and plopped into mine. Yeah.

Nichole: Okay. My understanding of, of cow girling, cow boy, whatever

Is that intent is a, is a big part of it.

because I do think that there are those situations where it's like polyamorous people just decide to. Close their re like they wanna be monogamous together.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: This is like, imagine though that people are led by coherent thoughts and logic when I feel like the root of people often doing lassoing is deeply emotional and a little bit primitive.

Laurel: Right? Primitive. I think that maybe there doesn't have to be like explicit manipulative intent, but even if they're not actively like practicing monogamy in that point, I think there has to be some underlying desire.

For monogamy. And even if they're like, well, I'm not gonna push it.

Daniel: Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Laurel: And I'm just gonna let this unfold. you could still be lassoing cow girling, poking that. Poor cow.

Daniel: A lot of people put a veil between themselves and what they really want.

Laurel: Oh, the veil again.

Daniel: Okay.

Nichole: I guess I just like when the internet complains about cowgirl and cowboying.

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: It is always the person who has had their partner leave them.

Laurel: Yes.

Nichole: so

Laurel: yeah, I feel like you're often getting like a, very tainted perspective, right.

Of someone complaining about it and they're usually like projecting a lot of like mal intent when, where there probably wasn't explicit, intentional, Machiavellian action taken

Daniel: what we need. Are different classifications for the level of this crime.

Laurel: Mm. We have like, yeah, like

Daniel: cow slaughter and,

Laurel: oh, Jesus

Nichole: murderer.

Oh God.

Laurel: The problem is that you're not trying to kill the cow. You're trying to marry the cow,

Nichole: but why marry the cow when you could get the milk for free?

Daniel: I've never been so, I've never been so certain of an episode title during an episode as this moment right now.

Nichole: I think that makes sense. And it's a very, like, because it started as a gendered term, it is completely couched in a person, in a person's actions, right? Yeah.

Like. My male partner was cowgirl by another woman.

Laurel: Yeah. the whole thing, the whole concept is sort of suspect because it like forgets about the autonomy for the cow, in this circumstance

Daniel: mm-hmm.

Laurel: To make choices.

Like, like maybe you could consider that my ex-husband was cowgirl if I like. Wanted to go down that path.

Nichole: See, I think it's also interesting discourse that like lasso and cowgirl, cowboy, whatever are still terms that people are like expressly using all the time.

Yeah. And yet discourse is also like you never have a meta problem. You always have a hinge problem.

Laurel: Yeah. It's really weird

Daniel: do, we also need a verb for the act of self cow poking, like what your husband did. Right? Like, 'cause 'cause he, he wanted to be monogamous.

it was a, a collaborative cow poking

Laurel: he just left the farm.

Nichole: Wait, what did your husband do?

Laurel: He didn't do anything. I did it all.

Nichole: Okay. What happened with your husband, I guess?

Laurel: Um, so, we opened up a relationship, he started dating a woman who was also, dating another married man.

And it seemed pretty clear to me that she wasn't really into non-monogamy. Mm-hmm. And then I also like knew as we like carried on through. Our relationship that like non-monogamy was not working out for my husband. Mm. And so I sort of assumed that like, when our relationship ended, that they would become monogamous together. Mm-hmm. Which eventually they did not immediately.

Daniel: Mm-hmm.

Well, so there was no cow girling that went on whatsoever. Like, he didn't say like, I wanna leave this relationship to be monogamous with this partner. You, you were the one who

Laurel: I ended the relationship. Yeah.

Daniel: Yeah.

stolen cow girl, victim valor.

Laurel: Well, what I'm saying is there is a way that I could twist that to be like, oh my God.

But she was just hanging on.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: And I'm saying there's probably a way in which a lot of people can twist stories of their partner just. Leaving them to be like a cowgirl situation.

Nichole: I'm gonna call the twisting of the story to make themselves the victim cow tipping.

Daniel: Love it. Love it.

Nichole: I feel like the internet is full of cow tipping.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: Yeah. Yes.

Daniel: I think it's really funny that we are kind of tearing apart the idea of cow poking as though we're, we're saying like, oh, there's no such thing as ghosts. There's no such thing as, as, as goblins. And yet we went and looked online for some really. Interesting examples from the, the cow poke cannon.

Laurel: I thought you were gonna say community.

Daniel: and it turns out the devil is real.

Laurel: Yes. And amongst us

Daniel: on Reddit.

Laurel: surprise, surprise. We found them.

Daniel: So for the next matrika doll, nesting segment here, I think it's time that we redirected this into a monogamy.

Are you okay?

Laurel: ironically, this monogamy, are you Okay. Comes from the poly subreddit bread. It.

Daniel: you can find fucked up monogamy anywhere. Throw a fucking rock.

Nichole: Yeah. So I did a little Google to see like what are people's stories with cow girling and cow boying and cow poking and lassoing, right? Mm-hmm. And I came across this post title, how to Spot a Cowgirl, TLDR.

I cowgirl my partner into monogamy and feel a little guilty. I want to redeem myself by telling you how I did it. So you can see the red flags if it happens to you or your partner.

Daniel: What? What the fuck?

Laurel: I wanna start off by saying that there is n. No way that this one stupid Reddit post will redeem this person for all of the fucked up shit they're about to tell us.

Daniel: I, I don't know if they're really regretful.

Laurel: No, no, no.

Daniel: It strikes me more as like like a serial killer reliving their crime.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: Right. Like, let me tell you all about how I chopped off their fingers. You know, like, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah,

Nichole: yeah. Okay. Ultimately, this actually worked out well for me.

For now my partner and I are engaged and he's no longer actively poly.

Daniel: bravo.

Nichole: I didn't force him into monogamy, but I did actually make a plan and carry out said plan to take him away from his other partners and all to myself. I manipulated him. That was wrong and not the greatest way to start a healthy relationship, which

Laurel: Okay.

Nichole: I did like scour the comments because I was like, is this fake? Like, is this somebody being like, ironic?

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: I wanna believe in the devil. Come on.

Nichole: I mean, nobody called it out for being fake.

Laurel: No, but it is from long enough ago that people weren't accusing everything of being ai. Yet.

Nichole: Yeah.

Laurel: But also there's enough, typo, grammatical mistakes uhhuh that make it seem too real. But it could be a person pretending to Yeah.

Daniel: Just 'cause it's not robot devil doesn't mean that it's not fake devil.

Laurel: That's true.

Nichole: Yeah. Somebody who was cowgirl or somebody's whose partner was cowgirl and this person is writing from the perspective of their meta

Laurel: ugh,

Nichole: to be like, this is the evil plan that she had, and I'm gonna write this in her voice and have the internet tear her apart and then I will feel better about it.

Daniel: So it's not, bad, it's just bad fiction.

Laurel: We don't know.

Nichole: We don't know. Okay. We don't know that. I just needed to express my doubts upfront.

Daniel: Everybody suspend your disbelief.

Nichole: I'm suspending my disbelief, Laurel,

Laurel: I want to believe.

Nichole: That's the right answer. Step one, be the best GF ever. I was the most conventionally attractive woman he'd ever been with, and certainly more attractive than his other two partners. his words, even before we had an emotional connection. I realized he would do whatever I wanted based on that alone.

So I capitalized on that. Played up. What he was most attracted to. Adjusted how I dressed and wore my makeup to suit his taste, basically became his dream girl. I wanted to be his happy place. So our time together was all sex, travel, and adventure.

We talked about our bucket list items and literally started doing them together. We never argued. I'd let small things slide to avoid disagreements. We talked a lot about his other relationships what worked, what didn't, and I used that info to my advantage. Whatever they did not give him, I gave him and whatever he liked about them, I tried my best to do it better.

Daniel: Now, I don't mean to make you Nicole like this woman, but do you think that she had a spreadsheet where she's collecting the incriminating details about partners? Do you feel like she had this like three point plan?

Laurel: It's like partner a pros. Cons.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: And then she has like her list of things that she has to become better at than that person.

And then the list of things that she's like, oh, remember when person A did this? Aren't they awful? Don't you hate that? I would never,

Daniel: and there's a separate tab for each one of her tactics that she's going to enumerate. Right?

Laurel: what an enormous waste of time. I'm gonna mold myself into a different person to get this guy to marry me.

But to bring it back around, this is the sport she's gotta win. Yes. So she knows that she is worthy of being loved.

Nichole: Yes.

Daniel: Yeah.

it may not have been a spreadsheet.

It may have been like a football play diagram on a chalkboard.

Laurel: Yeah. It was a, it was a chalkboard football play.

Nichole: Yes.

Laurel: but the problem is she can never really win because she isn't herself when she's playing the game.

Daniel: It's like the thing about you can never consent truly to being a vampire because it completely changes your identity.

Laurel: Exactly. It's

Nichole: exactly like that. You're absolutely right. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right. You guys want step two

Laurel: more.

Nichole: Okay. Sabotage the other relationships. I slowly started infringing on his time with others, not overtly what? I never told him he could not see them. I never gave him a hard time about it.

Perfect. Gf, remember again, this only worked because he wasn't a great hinge. he hated when I dated, so I'd always plan dates on his nights with others. I would purposefully ignore his texts and not respond as I usually do. He would be so worried about what I was doing, that he text me all night This did not go over well with his gfs. If he planned a trip with them, I'd planned an even bigger trip somewhere with another guy to make him jealous.

Laurel: Does she have unlimited resources?

Nichole: I know what the fuck

Laurel: she is. Gossip Girl.

Daniel: is it a bigger trip on a bigger boat, I imagine?

Laurel: Yes. Yeah. Yes. It's got a bigger steering wheel.

Nichole: Eventually he stopped planning trips with them. he also had serious fomo, so I always planned fun things I knew he wanted to do on their days. He did not wanna miss out, so he often rescheduled or canceled dates with them to do things with me. I never asked him to do this, but I knew he would.

If I knew he was seeing one right after me, I'd seduce him often making him late and usually unable to perform for them. This is what makes me

Laurel: think

Nichole: it's fake,

Daniel: but Semen thief. Semen thief.

Nichole: But also I just,

Laurel: I'm a thief. Oh, gimme your, oh, gimme your gum.

What the fuck

Daniel: am I gonna, am I gonna find a way also to like reference that one Enson Kim episode of Star Trek Voyager in every single episode moving forward. Yep. From that, from here

Laurel: on out. Yep.

Daniel: All right.

Nichole: All right. Step three. Threaten to leave at this point. His other relationships aren't doing well, but we are thriving. I know from his actions that I know from his actions, he's willing to do whatever it takes to keep me, even if it hurts his other partners. I tell him I love him too much to share him.

This is shocking to him, knowing he's extremely jealous of me dating others. I say I want to deescalate our relationship and find someone who has more time just for me. I need more. I don't give any ultimatums or ask him to leave his other partners.

Daniel: She must have such a low opinion of him and also nerves of steel to like pull this off.

Like where her end game is that she wants to be in a relationship with him and she's like, I wanna deescalate

Laurel: Does she

Nichole: actually like him?

Laurel: No.

Daniel: No.

Laurel: Who likes this guy? This guy sounds awful.

Nichole: Does we cry and hold each other? Then he suggests leaving his other partners and being mono with me. He doesn't wanna lose me.

He doesn't want me with anyone else. I tell him I want him to be himself. I'd never ask that of him. He insists that it's his idea and it's what he wants.

Laurel: Well, that's, this is how I keep everyone coming back for more, constantly threatening to leave

Nichole: and crying,

Laurel: but like in a nice way.

Nichole: The crying and holding each other is disgusting to me.

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: I mean, everything else is pretty bad. But the idea that you're like, mustering up fake tears.

This takes so much effort and so much time. You really have to think the long game

Laurel: for this loser. Also, imagine the other men she's dating during this. Mm-hmm. Like they're just pawns and she's just like out to dinner, but she's looking at her phone, just like smiling to herself at the stream of texts that her loser boyfriend is sending to her and that she is like knowingly not gonna respond to, or she just feels it buzz in her pocket and is like,

Nichole: Laurel has a self-satisfied smile

Laurel: on her face. Yeah. It's like the Grinch smile where it keeps getting bigger and bigger with every buzz of a notification.

Daniel: This is where like the suspension of disbelief, like it

Laurel: gets hard to,

Nichole: yeah,

Daniel: it gets hard. 'cause I'm like, who is absolutely that uncaring and also then that proud of it.

Nichole: This is sociopathic.

Laurel: It's like the part where they're like, I feel a little bit guilty, or I wanna redeem. Like No they don't.

Nichole: No they don't.

Laurel: No, they don't.

Daniel: This reminds me of like the, uh, the Star Wars theory that like Jar Jar Banks is a s Lord that is manipulating the entire plot. What? Star Wars

Laurel: sequel. Yeah. Yeah.

Nichole: Why

Daniel: there is like a 20 point conspiracy theory about this that fits disturbingly well. Yeah.

Laurel: It's the only way to like, enjoy the existence of Jar Jar Banks,

Nichole: you know?

I bet that theory wouldn't exist if Michael Jackson had had gotten his wish.

Daniel: Oh yeah.

Laurel: What was his wish?

Nichole: He wanted to play? Jar Jar Banks. that's not a joke. That's real.

Laurel: like, as like a live action or like he wanted to voice Jar Jar Banks,

Nichole: all of it.

Laurel: What if it's just Michael Jackson, like, like in his like thriller costume,

Daniel: but instead of, instead of all the, like, the the jargon that the Jar Jar jargon. Yeah. Like he was just going

Nichole: jamo. Yes.

Daniel: During the dialogue.

Nichole: He wouldn't be able to help but be himself. It's like when he was Captain Neo in the Oh yeah. Disney ride.

Daniel: Yeah.

Nichole: Yeah. He was just Michael Jackson.

Laurel: Yes. Yes.

Nichole: Okay. Um, so we end,

Laurel: oh yeah.

Nichole: What's her,

Laurel: what's her final points on the matter? Thank god,

Nichole: boom. Mission accomplished.

Laurel: I'm just thinking of George W now. Yeah,

Nichole: I know. I'm selfish. I also know this would not have worked if he was actually committed to his other partners and committed to being poly. I wonder if this is what he really wants. I wonder if I made a mistake. I feel bad, and I know I'll always have to live with the possibility of him wanting to open up again because he didn't really want to make the decision to be mono on his own.

Anyway. Learn from my mistakes.

Laurel: Xo. Xo. Oh my God. this post is her regretting that she's bored now.

Daniel: Yes, absolutely.

Nichole: 1000%.

Laurel (2): Yeah. And is hoping to just like, rile up a bunch of people to like, satisfy her gluttony for just manipulating people again.

Nichole: Yeah. She needs some kind of something. Yeah. Some kind of tension in her life.

Daniel: Yeah. Because as we all know, it's not whether you win or lose, it's the thrill of the game.

Nichole: Yeah. And she's not thrilled anymore.

Laurel: Yeah. Thrill.

even though there is someone proclaiming themselves as a cowgirl, it actually like reestablishes my position that maybe it's not really a thing because she knows it couldn't have worked if this guy wasn't such a dingus.

Nichole: Yes.

Daniel: And, and that reassertion is, I think, to an extent her trying to let herself off the hook, right? Like he wasn't a good hinge. he, he wasn't dedicated to it. And that's why this worked is because I was able to do this. this is also what makes me go back to suspending my disbelief again. Mm-hmm. Is because I feel like that feels like a very authentic, earnest thing on her behalf. Like I can absolutely see where somebody in her place, like she's also wanting to justify and qualify her behavior

Nichole: by pointing out the lacking in the other person

Daniel: repeatedly.

Laurel: Like it can't. Be all my fault. Like I'm not that bad of a person.

Nichole: Yeah. '

Laurel: cause also this dingus over here. Yes. Which is like, no, you're still, you're still a really bad person. And also this guy is a fucking dingus loser. And so Congratulations, you won a dingus loser.

Nichole: There are so many women out there who have won a Dingus Loser.

Laurel: So many.

Daniel: It's the American pastime. It's

Nichole: the, it really is. Yeah.

Daniel: The trophy for, uh, for the, the Super Bowl of monogamous dating the dingus loser trophy.

Nichole: But they don't think they're dingus losers?

Laurel: No.

Nichole: They just, they won the game of making it to the altar. It didn't matter who was on the other side.

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: they just want the princess party.

Laurel: Which should be like a new thing instead, like, don't get married, have a princess party your 35th birthday is now your princess party.

Daniel: for a moment because you were making eye contact with me when you said that, Laurel, I thought that you were suggesting that we convert our upcoming wedding to a princess party.

Laurel: Let's convert our upcoming wedding to my 35th birthday princess party.

Daniel: Fantastic.

So we're dial we're not We're making you five years younger.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: Yeah. Okay.

Laurel: Yeah. We're making me younger. We're forgetting the whole like, commitment ceremony thing and

Daniel: or I commit to you, but you don't, you don't commit to me. You're, you're, you're vass. Commit to you '

Laurel: Yeah. 'cause I am the cowgirl, but I don't have just one cow.

Nichole: I'm imagining Daniel's got this whole, like, he's got the hookah set up, he's got the chairs, he's ready. And you are in the bouncy house in your little princess

Laurel: hat. I got a little tiara on. Yes. And like a giant, a giant poofy pink dress.

Daniel: And we have to do the, the whole ceremony, like inclusive of bouncy house.

It's like, do you take this bouncy house containing princess dress containing princess?

Laurel: Yes. Yeah. Yeah. This sounds fun. I gotta call Nancy and let her know we have some new plans.

Daniel: We're gonna forget to do that until she listens to this episode.

Nichole: So obviously, I mean the answer yet again for monogamy. Are you okay? Is No,

Laurel: no,

Nichole: no,

Laurel: no. But I mean, don't hate the player.

Nichole: Hate the thrill of the game.

Laurel: Hate the thrill of the game.

Daniel: If only cow girling were, it's so much fun.

I just can't help it.

Laurel: Listen, there's only so many ways to get a mate. Ew.

Daniel: Got hardcore mantis vibes from that. Oh, what's next?

Nichole: are we gonna do a unicorn hunter hunters?

Daniel: That's right.

Laurel: It's like, are we playing a, are we, are we contestants on a game show?

Nichole: We are playing the game now.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: Come on down.

Nichole: Which partner's gonna win?

Laurel: Ah, I'm cool. I don't need anything.

Daniel: Get me some cookies.

Why have a cool girl when you can have a hot woman?

Laurel: Yeah. Aw.

Daniel: speaking of hot women with two Ts.

I went back on to Swinger lifestyle to find us a good unicorn hunter profile

Nichole: we rate unicorn hunter profiles on three different categories. Self-aggrandizement, arbitrary rules and wood. We unicorn

Okay. So you're on Swinger lifestyle, the CarMax of,

Daniel: of dating sites. Yeah. this one is called. My Bama hot wife with two Ts,

My wife and I have great marriage soulmates. In fact,

she is an awesome lady and very hot.

That's a lot of tease.

She is incredibly sexy at five one a hundred and twenty five pounds long, beautiful thick blonde hair, green eyes, soft, fair milk and honey skin, nice soft ass and hips and big 36 triple D tits. A tiny yet curvy woman. Very sexy She has a generous sex drive and for that I am lucky.

Nichole: Okay. All right.

Daniel: At least he, he knows,

Nichole: he knows,

Daniel: he knows to count his blessings. I tried to set her up three years ago with a man on a similar site. It was not successful, and she backed out last minute. She will not go for the online setup.

Nichole: She will not go for the online setup, and they are, does he know the Swinger Lifestyles a website

Daniel: and he didn't just put it like on nickel ads or something?

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: Is that a real ads, is that a reference? That's that, that's a reference where the arsenals and a

Nichole: Penny Saver.

Daniel: Yeah.

we've talked about possibilities and if, when, and here it is.

If it happens, great. If doesn't, great. It is always fun to meet other people and have fun. My wife is very sociable and very outgoing. She will naturally chat with you. She likes to have a normal, intelligent conversation with some flirtation. if things progress, it will be because you picked her up, old school, flirted with her, and she wants to explore what next.

Laurel: Okay, so just

Daniel: so, so is he actually like setting up like a ringer to like show up in a public place and try and pick her up?

Laurel: Maybe yeah, I can't tell if he's like, we're gonna pretend like this all happened all natural. Or if he's just explaining that like there needs to be some chemistry when we meet up in person.

Nichole: I love that she has to have a normal, intelligent conversation. She wants a normal conversation. Like

Laurel: is he saying like just don't bring up sex stuff right away? Is that what he's like?

Nichole: I think

Daniel: Don't bring up the jar Jar. Bank sift Lord. Conspiracy theory.

Nichole: Not quite yet.

Daniel: Alright. But again. If it progresses, that will be a very hot experience for all. And if it doesn't, we all have a great evening of drinks, conversation and flirtation.

She likes bigger, good looking men. All caps.

Professional types, well-educated, intelligent, articulate.

Nichole: Ooh, I don't like that. But,

Daniel: he seems to be saying that he is not her type because he is not articulate.

Nichole: He doesn't know that he's not articulate,

Daniel: I'll, I'll edit this out in case he's listening to the pod. 'cause we don't want him to find out that he's not articulate by listening to us.

Laurel: Yeah. Nobody wants to find out that way.

Daniel: Did I mention good looking?

Laurel: Wow.

Daniel: All caps.

Laurel: I need the listeners to know that every time Daniel yells good looking, he is holding his arms up like a referee who's announcing that a goal has just been made.

Nichole: See, I was seeing Avita and don't cry for me, Argentina.

Daniel: What I was really trying to do was indicate the shape of the all caps letters.

Laurel: Oh,

Nichole: all right. Well, we both missed the mother. Yeah,

Daniel: Did I mention good looking, clean, well groomed and not good looking because your mom and aunt told you so and I said, professional type. If I sound like an asshole, it's because most guys don't seem to understand the professional type and good looking if you don't like it or agree with our profile.

Fabulous. Move on to the next profile. My wife and I are looking for friends that we can relate to and have fun with.

Nichole: This is one of those profiles that is like bothered by people liking them. like you don't have to respond to every person who wants to connect with you. it's like they just, they act so put upon by like, Ugh, look at all these egos liking us.

Oh yeah. God. Can you imagine

Laurel: the offense that someone not of your caliber is interested in you.

Nichole: There's so many other things to get mad about. Starvation, melting, ice caps.

Laurel: Yeah. I wanna see that in somebody's profile.

Nichole: I'm mad about starvation.

Daniel: If you are not furious about global warming, do not message me. Honestly, I do see a lot of shit like that on field. I

Laurel: do too. Yeah, I do too.

Okay.

Daniel: Uh, description, long blonde hair, green eyes, fair soft skin.

Laurel: Wait again.

Daniel: Five one. 125 pounds. Very nice. Thick ass. Big 36. Triple D tits.

Laurel: Again.

Daniel: Again. And only of the wife

Laurel: this is just like a hot wife situation, like he's just gonna cook it in the corner.

Daniel: Maybe he doesn't describe at all.

Laurel: Yeah.

Instead of saying, kicking it, I'm gonna say I'm cing it.

Nichole: Yes. You wanna cook it later?

Daniel: I mean, it sounds really relaxing, right? You sit back in the chair.

Laurel: Yeah. Sounds great. Don't

Nichole: gotta do anything. It's why I like threesomes.

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: It's half the work.

Laurel: It's like a, yeah, it's like a, it is like tag team wrestling.

Daniel: Don't have to do anything. That's why I like threesomes. Nicole says, is this why we don't invite you to threesomes?

No. It's because you 90% of the time say no.

Laurel: Yeah, you need to get her a buttered chair.

Nichole: I need a throne.

Laurel: Ooh,



Nichole: Okay. So hot wiping is a thing, right?

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: Yes. But it's usually participatory.

It's not the same as cooking. And I think hot wiping can also include a stag vixen, dynamic

Nichole: Uhhuh,

Daniel: which is like, here allow me to serve you.

My wife.

Nichole: Oh,

I've never even heard that before.

Daniel: I've been on swinger lifestyle looking for unicorn hunters.

You know, way too much.

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: in fact, I kind of wanna do a roundup of like nomenclature that I had no idea about, that people are just repeating over and over again. one of them is orally talented,

Nichole: Wow.

Daniel: Or having a talented tongue.

Nichole: They know the way that they're supposed to say this is that they are a cunning linguist. Everyone knows that.

Daniel: Another big thing on swinger lifestyle, a predominance of photos that are just motorcycles and references to motorcycle hobbies.

Laurel: Yeah. That checks out.

Daniel: Yeah.

Nichole: What is a hobby with motorcycles except for riding them?

Laurel: That's it. That's the hobby. Okay.

Daniel: Fucking them in a three way with your,

Nichole: okay, so self-aggrandizement.

Laurel: Hmm. It's more like wife aggrandizement.

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: I think that we need though to simply substitute that for our purposes, right. Because there's absolutely nothing discussed about the man whatsoever.

Nichole: Yeah. I mean, she's the hottest thing that's ever existed. Technically. She is just a pair of tits according to her profile.

Laurel: That's all we know.

Daniel: And long blonde hair.

Nichole: And long blonde. That's it.

Daniel: And fair read. White milk and honey Skin.

Nichole: Milk and honey. Ugh.

Laurel: And uh, soft, butt

Daniel: soft.

Nichole: Which I didn't know was what you, I thought you wanted a hard ass. No,

Laurel: I think you want a squishy butt. I want a squishy butt. Squishy butt.

Daniel: just as I was raising two, palms facing each other to indicate all caps, Laurel is doing two grippy hands to indicate squishy butt.

Just, just little. Just little pumping claws.

Laurel: This was also the same gesture you were doing for the Come Gremlin.

Nichole: You know, I had forgotten about the CU Gremlin, and now I remember. And

Daniel: now, and now Laurel has made it so we can't edit it out,

Is is the CU Gremlin enemies or allies with cream pie? Charlie? it's sort of like a Catwoman Batman dynamic. It's like we want each other, but like we are enemies.

Nichole: Or is the come gremlin

when cream find Charlie? In his little seaside shop has a box in the back that has a bunch of creatures in it and he says, don't feed them after. And our main character decides to jack off after midnight.

Daniel: You guys did We just find a chaos muppet? that is more chaos Muppet. Than Cream pie. Charlie, like, does the, does the CU Gremlin render cream pie Charlie, the order Muppet just by CU Gremlin's presence? Absolutely.

Nichole: Yes. Cream pie. Charlie is a business owner,

Laurel: small business owner. Oh,

Nichole: okay, okay, okay. Okay. Self-aggrandizement.

Daniel: I'm gonna give it a seven. I would rate it higher if it talked about the man at all. And I'm only rating it this high because it talks about the wife so exuberant

Nichole: and twice, I'm gonna say seven as well.

Laurel: Yeah, I was gonna say six. 'cause I mostly just 'cause I tuned out for the second description of the wife.

Nichole: It was just a repeat.

Laurel: It was a repeat. Why

Nichole: arbitrary rules.

Laurel: you have to be businessman.

Daniel: Oh, that's right. And good looking, good looking twice in all caps.

Laurel: like you have to understand what it means to be businessman

Nichole: and what it means to be good looking.

You can't just get compliments from your mom and your aunt.

Daniel: Yeah. You, you have to actively distrust your mother.

You have to, when your mom tells you you're good looking, you have to be like, liar.

Laurel: I haven't heard it from anybody else.

Nichole: Yeah. I mean, it's just, again, any profile that is put upon by like people reaching out to them. And deciding that those people are not worthy,

Daniel: not only does he point out very annoyingly that people don't understand what good looking means. He does a terrible job of explaining what good looking means.

Laurel: They only used one of their like photo slots, so they could have at least put in like magazine cutouts of examples of good looking men.

Oh my God. I think they're just trying to like catfish somebody. I think that they're just trying to like, capture a businessman.

Daniel: Well, in that case, in that case, I support Is this like, uh, the song by the coup Yeah. Yeah. We

Nichole: got the guillotine.

Laurel: Yeah. This is the front lines of the resistance.

Nichole: Oh my God. Okay. But truly, like the professional thing is like they're, that's just classist. They're just saying like,

Laurel: no blue

Nichole: collar workers,

Laurel: you to, yeah. You have to be a professional and articulate. maybe they're, they are just like, no bikers.

We're so sick of the biker scene. Scene on here. Yeah.

Daniel: I think most middle aged bikers actually have fucking business jobs during the day.

Nichole: I think it's very

Laurel: true. Posers.

Daniel: I bet they didn't have to kill a man or get beat into their gang.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: Like Laurel had to for this molecule,

Laurel: I earned these stripes.

this is, I'm just gonna do five on vibes. This just weird.

Nichole: Yeah. Five. 'cause they don't actually explain what professional or good looking is.

Daniel: I'm gonna give them a bump up to seven for just yelling.

Good looking in all caps and then berating me for not understanding what, what good looking means and calling my mom a liar.

Laurel: That's fair.

Nichole: That is fair.

Daniel: Yeah.

Nichole: Yeah. Yeah. All right. Would we unicorn?

Laurel: No.

Nichole: No.

I fear for cream pie Charlie, because he's a professional.

Laurel: Yeah. Yes. He could be into this.

Daniel: Oh. is this what they're actually after?

Laurel: They're

Daniel: like, is they're trying to steal cu from professionals.

Laurel: Yeah. Get that. Good, good Smart boy. Semen smart.

Nichole: See, now the Cum Gremlin is gonna a song about all the different types of semen there are. You got your smart boy semen and your dumb boy semen. You got your good looking semen and your bad looking semen

Daniel: and, and if it's a musical cream pie, Charlie is doing costume changes. And so for the smart boy semen, he's dressed just like I was for my child.

Acting head shots with glasses, chessboard, bow tie.

Nichole: You got your good boys semen and your bad boy semen. That's the one of you in the cheek.

Daniel: Did I wait, did I, did I misgender? The, the come gremlin. The come gremlin's. A, a, a a lady, right?

Nichole: Come Gremlin doesn't have a gender.

Laurel: Yeah. Kung gremlin can take on the appearance of a cow girling lady. But

Nichole: as we know from gremlins, there are boy gremlins and girl gremlins. Girl gremlins, who somehow, they also somehow inexplicably make little outfits for themselves and have tiny cars drive.

Laurel: those are the little

Nichole: wedding scene. Like where, oh

Daniel: my God,

Laurel: did they get the little bride?

Daniel: We've all seen, we've all seen gremlins too, right?

Laurel: Yes, yes.

Daniel: Oh my God.

Laurel: What?

Daniel: Well, this is going to be the reference that you won't understand Nicole

Laurel: Great.

Daniel: Flip it, Gremlins two. We have the smart gremlin.

I think we have basically a C gremlin. Don't we have one in a giant slimy like pit? We've got a sticky gremlin. Or wait, am I just thinking of flar?

Laurel: Well, there wasn't there like a spider gremlin?

Daniel: Yes, there was a giant spider gremlin. Okay. Maybe I'm thinking of the webs. Yeah, which is just, what is that? But like. Spider

Nichole: come.

Daniel: Yeah, exactly.

Laurel: What is a web? But spider. But spider come,

Nichole: oh. That gives a whole new like lens to Charlotte's web

ruins it.

Daniel: And their BDSM relationship when she calls him a radiant pig.

Nichole: No,

I got a laugh.