Laurel: We need a studio so I can start making better videos for everything, you know?

Nichole: Yes.

Daniel: Mm-hmm.

Laurel: Yeah.

And I need, like, a prop master, which is basically someone who's just gonna make a bunch of cardboard cutouts for me.

Daniel: You would never leave that studio.

Laurel: No, it would be fabulous.

Daniel: Immediately when you started saying this, I looked over at Nicole because I am aware that anything in this direction, she is conspiring. She's like, "Can I get my historic porn project into your-

Laurel: Yes

Nichole: Yes ...

Daniel: studio?"

Laurel: Yes,

Nichole: absolutely. Yes, obviously. Yeah.

Daniel: and then we'll, we'll just be having historic porn reenactments while we're recording the podcast, just going over in the background.

Nichole: Wait, where am I?

Laurel: Doing both. Doing it all.

Daniel: Or you can just outsource. You just have a team of, direct reports who are-

Laurel: Every once in a while you turn around and you yell at them, "Cum harder." "

Nichole: This is what I think people don't understand. I am posing for the pornography.

Laurel: Oh, well, people, now that you understand, line up.

Daniel: Pics or it's not gonna happen.

Nichole: Well, that's- Wait- ... why we need a studio Also, good question, Laurel. What?

Daniel: Wait ... I guess what I'm saying is I'll believe it when I see it, '

Laurel: She already bought a bunch of books.

I know. Like, the research is happening.

Nichole: The air table is made.

Daniel: The- Hmm ... there's a big difference between the air table and the, uh, on the table, so to speak. Thank you for the

Nichole: vote of confidence.

Laurel: Wow.

Daniel: You used to be the, uh,, the shyest among us about, getting out there and doing the nasty for the public.

Laurel: A, number one, people change.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: B, number two, like, Nicole is a purpose-driven individual, whereas you and I will go out and get naked for the sake of it-

Daniel: Yep ...

Laurel: because we like to be observed. Nicole likes to have, like, a complete mission statement. Yeah.

Daniel (2): Not only is it a complete mission statement, but it, it also reminds me of the reason that Nicole said that she wanted to get into Star Trek because she was really attracted to the extreme just size of the narrative universe of Star Trek.

Nichole: Mm.

Daniel: And the same with historic porn. Like, she can just keep on doing this forever.

Nichole: Yes. There is so much. My book on American homemade porn just came in yesterday. Oh, fun. An entire other niche I hadn't even considered.

Daniel: Man. Is a lot of it in, like, wicker and cross-stitch?

Nichole: Yes. A lot of it is, like- Oh my God

handmade dildos and, like, funny scenes and, like, crochet. Like, there's a lot.

Laurel: Wow.

Nichole: And it's all historically researched. It's got a bibliography at the end. Like, I fucking love it.

Daniel: If we could start putting some needlepoint up on this thing, you know, that would be al- along with our theme for our - home decor, right?

We've got-

Nichole: Yes ...

Daniel: a lot of needlepoints.

Laurel: You have a lot of... Oh. We do. Like, artwork, but it's not pornographic.

Nichole: We have one that's pornographic.

Laurel: Oh. Where is it?

Nichole: It's in our bedroom.

Daniel: You've always-

Laurel: Oh, yes, yes.

Daniel: You've always got your eyes on the real porn that's happening in the bedroom,

Laurel: Us?

Daniel: Yes.

Laurel: Yeah. Yeah. Him specifically. I'm very focused- ... when we have sex, incredibly focused.

Nichole: You're f- yeah, yeah. You two. I can't think of two more focused people.

Daniel: Jesus Christ.

Do you know that Laurel will pick at her ingrown hairs? I'll look up at her all of a sudden. I'll be like... I'll be going down on Laurel, and then I look up and she's like, "Hmm. Huh, skin blemish. Hmm." Hmm. Hmm. Just kind

Laurel: of curiously- "There's a boob hair I need to free."

Daniel: Yeah. And I'm like, "Wow, what a vote of confidence."

Laurel: No, that is how much confidence I have in your work.

Nichole: That she doesn't need to direct you.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: Nice. You can multitask. Yeah.

Laurel: Yeah. I'm like, "This is taken care of."

Daniel: Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's not like, you know, with Nicole where I look up and she's doing a spreadsheet.

Laurel: Of, of feedback.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: And then she faxes it to you after.

Nichole: Yeah. That sounds right, and it sounds really hot.

Daniel: She actually just gets wet at the sound of the fax machine.

Daniel: welcome to Polyamature Hour.

Nichole: I'm Nicole.

Laurel: I'm Laurel.

Daniel: I'm Daniel.

Nichole: We have a guest coming.

Laurel: We do. I'm so excited.

Nichole: I can't believe that- ... he said yes.

Daniel: Well, we did write a song courting him specifically.

Laurel: Yeah. That's true. Which I think is why I can't believe he said yes. Yeah.

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: We have Greg Shehati about to join us in a moment.

Laurel: Greg Shehati.

Daniel: How did I not think of that before? Yeah, you

Laurel: missed out.

Daniel: Wow. He is the only, so far, out poly Jeopardy! champion.

Nichole: Amazing. Amazing.

Daniel: We, uh, did a little research, found out about him on a Poly In Public: Invasion of Privivacy, And then the next time I got on the internet, I was like, "Hey."

Laurel: Hey. Hey, Greg. Hey.

Nichole: So he's gonna join ... Is it literally, like, in a minute?

Daniel: Yes.

Nichole: Yes. Uh, yeah. We, can we turn the Zoom on so-

Daniel: let's, uh, roll some drums. Did, did you hear the song?

Laurel: He, he heard

Greg: the song. Oh, yeah. Actually, I showed it to my friend last night.

Laurel: Amazing.

Nichole: Great.

Laurel: We're never sure if we're gonna, like, offend somebody or delight them. It's always a gamble. Or scare

Nichole: them.

Laurel: Yeah, or scare them, so.

Daniel: I think that we aim to do all three at the same time.

Greg: How could you be offended by, like, we love Greg?

Laurel: Right? Yeah.

Daniel: Yeah, yeah.

Laurel: That's what I'm saying.

Daniel: I think it did include some rather sexualizing language about what we wanted to,

Greg: uh- No, it was, but I was just, like, you know, I was like, "Maybe I misheard."

Laurel: Giving us the benefit of the doubt.

Greg: Aw, thanks. That's what we're talking about. Talking about donuts and holes, I'm like, "Well, probably just talking about donuts."

Laurel: Yeah, definitely. A little fast for me, like... Definitely just talking about donuts.

Nichole: All right. So Greg, there was an article about your, poly outness and being a contestant- Oh ... on Jeopardy!.

Greg: It was the Philadelphia Magazine one? Yes.

Nichole: Yes. Yeah.

Greg: Here's what's funny, because, like, there was two articles. One of them was in Playboy.

Laurel: Oh,

Nichole: wow. I should've got that one.

Greg: And that one is m- like, it was, like, a, what's the word? Respectable article . But, but we talked about, uh, polyamory quite a bit, but it was, like, I, I felt like in that case it was, like, more my voice.

Mm.

Laurel: Yeah. Whereas

Greg: in the Philadelphia Magazine, it was, like, a little sensationalized,

Laurel: We want the salacious, drama. Yeah,

Nichole: I

Laurel: think that

Greg: one- And what's funny about that word, salacious, is I talked to the interviewer- he gave me the idea for what he wanted it to sound like, and I was like, "Well-" I would love to do it, but can we make it, like, not so salacious? I used that exact word. Um, and it got toned down, but it was still very salacious in tone and-

Laurel: Yes.

Yes.

Daniel: Maybe it's just that you- your vocabulary is too advanced, and he was like... just nodded. He was like, "Yeah, less salacious. Sure."

Laurel: Look that up later. And then forgot about it.

Greg: The original was more, over the top, I'd say.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: Yeah, it did give the impression that you appeared on Jeopardy! Mm-hmm

and then immediately became, like, an international sex symbol. And that people were just breaking down your doors and, like, chasing after you like the fucking Beatles. Yeah.

So what was your reaction? Like, how did, how did this all make you feel, Greg?

Greg: Which part of things?

Daniel: becoming a Jeopardy! champion and then the attention being placed on your polyamory.

Greg: Um, well, the Jeopardy!, Jeopardy! champion thing was good. Um- Because not j- I didn't just become a champion. I beat this guy who's, like, you know, uh- Yeah ... he won 31 games in a row. Yeah. Yeah. And, like, , people were, like, very sad for me that they found that I had to play him, and then they were like, "Oh, never mind."

But, um, the polyamory thing, I always want to, um, talk about polyamory there's not many people who talk about it like the way that I kind of live it.

Mm. So it's like even when I, like, listen to people who are polyamorous and have, like, a, what's the word, a following, I don't feel like they're really talking to me. Like, I don't quite connect with them. Mm. Mm-hmm. in, in the sense that, like, there's all these typical problems that, um, non-monogamous people either have or are, like, expected to have.

Laurel: Mm-hmm.

Greg: Mm-hmm. Like, I don't have any of them. Like, all of it just comes so easy to me- Yeah ... that it's just, like, boring. It's like I, I, I could just be like, "Oh, what about jealousy?"

I'm like, "Yeah, I don't feel it." Uh, and it's like everyone's, like, jealousy's okay, but there's no, like, representative of, like, the I don't feel jealous at all ever camp.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You know? there's just no conflict-

Laurel: Mm,

Greg: yeah ... for me and being polyamorous. Like, none. Hm. Um, all of the things that happen in monogamy are just completely weird to me.

Laurel: Hm. Yes.

Greg: I don't understand them. I don't know why I'd want to do them . I understand that other people wanna do them, but I can't quite fully grasp why.

know, it's like a, you're just letting, you're just giving up all of these things in life that are fun and, and for me to give those up, I, I, I would get nothing in return

Nichole: yeah.

Greg: Um-

Daniel: what people get, in return for monogamy is this sense of security, right?

And if you don't have the insecurity, like if you are completely confident in your relationships there's a lot less motivation. The common prize of monogamy is a lot less attractive.

Nichole: Mm-hmm.

Laurel: I think about it , similarly to how I think about straight people, where I'm like, I don't understand you, but I respect you.

No, your experience, Greg, resonates a lot with my own. like I, I understood intellectually that that was a, a problem for other people, but I never understood why. and I knew it made me a little weird

Daniel: Just to be clear, that's not what makes you weird.

Laurel: It's one of the many things- Yes ... that makes me weird, okay?

Nichole: Yeah, it might be the felting. Um-

Laurel: It might be you felting your cat hair.

Daniel: Yeah. Now, for your day job when you're not knocking off longtime, Jeopardy!

champions and living the life of a, of a bon vivant, you are an International Chess Master. Correct?

Greg: That is correct. Wow.

Daniel: do you feel like you have, like, a, a systematic, organized mind like, um-

Laurel: Da- Daniel's asking if you're autistic or not.

Greg: Well, that was what a lot of, um, the Jeopardy! fans on the Facebook groups thought, because I would, um, make faces when I was, like, thinking- Mm.

Laurel: Uh-huh ...

Greg: Uh, they, they diagnosed me with many numbers and they're

Daniel: all like- Oh, that's why I watch Jeopardy!

Laurel: To diagnose the contestants.

Greg: Tourette. I have Tourette's, autism. There's another one I have, I forget. Um, but what was the question? Do I- Do you

Daniel: feel like chess is specifically a type of mental discipline that's about, like, seeing things, like, 20 moves forward, being able to foresee outcomes.

Do you feel like you kind of w- go through life with that?

Greg: I don't think so. I think chess is a very specific skill. I learned it when I was very young, which is super useful. I, I do think I'm good at, like, picking up new games and knowing how to learn them, 'cause I, I don't know if you know, I just took up, like, trivia, like, five years ago.

Laurel: Oh,

Greg: wow.

Laurel: Yeah.

Greg: I was like an idiot before that. About, about, like, knowing things about the world. I just didn't know, like, any books or anything like that, so.

Laurel: wait, is there, like, a strategy to trivia, or you just start consuming the-

Greg: Oh, yeah ... what's- some friends of mine roped me into this trivia league, and I was like, "I don't wanna play.

I don't like trivia. It's stupid." 'Cause if you don't know what to do in a position, you can kinda use some kinda talent to, like, work your way out.

Laurel: Yeah.

Greg: But you can't use , Like, talent to figure out who wrote a book that I never heard of.

But I, I joined this league, and I was, like, terrible at it.

, and I was like, "Oh, I think I don't wanna be the worst anymore. I wanna get better." You know, it can never hurt to learn something.

Laurel: Yeah. Yeah,

Greg: And I just somehow really enjoyed it. Like, after... I, I kept doing it, and then when I first started, I was studying stuff, like, six hours a day, just, like... I would, like, look up 100 most popular books in, you know, history, all the famous artworks, 'cause I knew nothing, um, except for maybe, like, some sports stuff.

Nichole: Wow. Wow.

Daniel: That is incredible. I mean, I guess if you have a completely clean hard drive, you know, you can fill it with what matters.

Nichole: Well, speaking of trivia, we have brought you here to play a game Oh.

Daniel: We have asked you here today to play a little game that we call Jeopolly.

Laurel: Daniel's so proud of

Nichole: himself. He's so proud of that.

Laurel: Ugh.

Nichole: So I think we're gonna do, timed increments of like five minutes.

Laurel: Okay.

Greg: Is this questions where I have to like say the right answer, or is it like-

Daniel: We encourage you to just bullshit a lot before you get to the right answer.

But you will want to collect these money values here, this cash money, because it can be redeemed in, uh, various sexual favors at the end.

Nichole: Oh my God. I knew you were gonna say something like that. Do

Greg: you have any like donut prizes maybe? Yeah.

Nichole: Yes.

Daniel: Paid in donuts.

Greg: You wanna know something terrible?

Nichole: Yes. Yes.

Greg: This is totally unrelated to everything, but I have a credit card which, which gets me s- $7 of Dunkin' Donuts free every month.

Nichole: Oh.

Laurel: That's such a deal. Yeah.

Greg: Yes. I forgot to use it in June, and it's now July 1st and I'm screwed. Ugh. I missed out.

Nichole: So it doesn't roll over.

Greg: No, I missed out on like four donuts. Oh,

Laurel: man. Ah. You use it or lose it donut

Greg: time. Or a big box of Munchkins. It's terrible.

Laurel: Oh my-

Greg: So maybe today I can get that back.

Laurel: What? Yes. Yeah. Here is your chance.

Nichole: All right, so we're gonna start with five minutes. Welcome to Jepoly. That's how we're pronouncing it, right?

Laurel: Yeah. Yeah. I, I guess so. Yeah.

Nichole: We have three categories. Poly jargon, poly pop culture, and #notallpolys.

Greg: Let's do it. Um,

let's do the easy, uh, poly jargon 200.

Nichole: All right.

Often defined as the opposite of jealousy, this word enjoys ample use in polyamory literature.

Greg: What is compersion? Ding,

Daniel: that is correct. Do you, do you feel, uh, compersion easily, greg?

Greg: Sometimes. basically if somebody that I care about is happy, I'm happy.

Nichole: Nice. Love it. Beautiful.

Greg: Let's do Poly 400, Poly Johnson. Okay. All

Nichole: right. All right, let's do

Laurel: it

Nichole: This portmanteau word is used to describe a constellation of relationships, sometimes intersecting.

Greg: What's polycule?

Nichole: Correct.

Daniel: That's right.

Nichole: Polyammory and molecule apparently.

Daniel: Oh, see, I did not know this.

Nichole: Yeah.

Laurel: What did you think it was?

Daniel: I didn't know what the cule was. I thought it was, like- The cule ... reticule. I don't know. You know, it's like... I didn't know. Um, does that- Oh, a molecule

Nichole: All right.

Greg: Let's do 600.

Nichole: Okay. All right.

Amping it up. Clear out the board. A new romantic connection can cause this altered state, leading one to forsake existing relationships.

Greg: What's NRE?

Nichole: Yeah. Nice. New relationship energy.

Laurel: Don't- Which- ... forsake me. That's all. Sorry. Sorry, don't mind me.

Nichole: All right. Let's do- 800 ... let's keep

Greg: going until something stops me.

Nichole: All right. All right. If a partner steals you away into a monogamous relationship, this term might be used.

Greg: What... I, wait, how much time do I have on the clock?

Laurel: You have an, a minute 20 on the clock.

Greg: I've heard it. I- forgive me, I, I forget.

Nichole: Chance to steal?

Laurel: Uh, yeah. What is being cow poked or cow girled or cow boyed?

Nichole: Or lassoed.

Laurel: Or lassoed. They're in,

Nichole: they're, um... Yes.

Laurel: All the cow stuff. All the

Nichole: cow stuff.

Daniel: Hey, you don't... You guys wanna do some cow stuff?

Greg: Not All Polys, 600.

Nichole: Oh. Oh, great. All right. Not all poly people use this app with a brightly colored logo to obsessively schedule.

We're too fucking busy.

Daniel: We're too busy fucking.

Greg: I do not schedule very much. I don't like to have a lot of things scheduled, but I'll just say Google Calendar, but I'm sure it's something else.

Daniel: Nope.

Nichole: Nope, that's it.

Daniel: That's it.

Laurel: Correct. That was time for that round.

Nichole: All right. Whoa. Are we doing a commercial break?

Daniel: Yes. We will figure out how Greg fares in Geppoli right after this commercial break.

Laurel: Do we have to make fake commercials

Daniel: now? We do. Yeah. Make fake commercials. They're

Nichole: All right. Back to the game.

Greg: Oh, let's do, uh, Not All Polys. Let's go up to 400.

Nichole: This game has come out of the basement and is now an entry point for many players' campaigns into polyamory.

Greg: I have never played it, but I'm assuming I'm assuming it's Dungeons & Dragons.

Nichole: Correct.

Daniel: Correct. Ah. Wow. we'll have to, uh, lasso you into our game of Dungeons & Dragons-

when we start doing it.

Nichole: Yeah, we also don't play. Well, work for

Laurel: that.

Greg: Let's do not all polys... Okay, we'll go to the 200. We'll get another easy one. 200? All right. And then-

Nichole: Okay ...

This yearly event attracts 70,000 people to the desert, leading some to believe that all poly folks wear goggles.

Greg: Never been there, but I'm assuming it's Burning Man. What is Burning

Nichole: Man? Correct. Correct.

Laurel: Yes. Correct. All the poly people wear goggles. Yeah, but it's not because of the sandstorm.

Daniel: It's the squirt storms.

Laurel: Oh, my God. Stop. Nicole never lets us have any fun.

Daniel: Yeah. Nicole, Nicole is like, "Not in front of Greg." Of guests?

Yeah. He is actually smart. And

Laurel: he doesn't want our innuendo.

Greg: I missed it.

Laurel: You

Nichole: didn't miss much.

Greg: I'm so sorry. Uh, let's do the... Uh, let's go back to the jargon. I'm feeling confident now. 1,000 for the poly jargon. All right.

Nichole: Let's do it. All right A group who are romantically connected only to one another practice this relationship style

Greg: I've heard of a closed triad, but I mean, that's, it'd be bigger than that. I'm gonna just say what's a closed triad, So a closed triad would be a subset of this. Yes. Like, you could have any number of people, but as long as it is closed and they are only seeing each other-

Daniel: it, it is polyfidelity.

Greg: Oh.

Nichole: Isn't that nuts?

Laurel: Yeah. Why?

Greg: Yeah, it just seems like monogamy, but, like, a little more complicated.

Laurel: Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm saying. Sorry for all of our polyfideli- Listeners

Greg: Well, no, I mean, it's fine if people wanna do that. It's just, like, funny because it's like you go half the way to the polyamory, but then you kinda, like, stop halfway.

Laurel: Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yeah,

Greg: I, I, you know, I just wonder why that comes up, but I'm sure there's a million different reasons why it could.

Laurel: Sure. So- We don't know 'em, but- We don't know 'em. I bet they're out there.

Daniel: Hey, Hey, poly fidelitas Stuberts out there, write us a letter and tell us why you're poly fidelitas. Explain yourself.

Laurel: Ex- yeah, explain yourself to us.

Daniel: can you be poly fidelitas and be a listener of this podcast? Because aren't you automatically in a romantic parasocial relationship with us?

Laurel: Yeah, then you're cheating.

Nichole: Then you're cheating.

All right.

Greg: Uh, I'm very scared of pop culture, so I'm gonna do Not All Poly Is 800.

Nichole: this dance adjacent practice is jammed, not choreographed, and looks like people rolling all over each other.

Greg: Dance adjacent practice Man, I don't know. I'm just gonna say what's a cuddle puddle?

Daniel: You know- I

Laurel: mean- I like that idea. Yeah.

Daniel: Yeah. I don't think we can accept it, though. it is contact improv. One of the big stereotypical things that theoretically poly people are into.

Nichole: Yep.

Greg: I've never heard of it.

Laurel: Oh, wow.

Nichole: You're lucky.

Laurel: Well, yep. Uh, you don't, you don't need to hear of it.

Nichole: Yeah, you don't.

Laurel: Pretend this never happened.

Daniel: It is exactly what it sounds like, right? Yeah. It is just kind of people, like, f- all going flowy and touching each other.

Greg: I'm gonna finish the Polys for 1,000. All

Laurel: right.

Greg: But not all Polys.

Nichole: All right. When they aren't reading their schedule to plan their future, card-carrying Polys might draw from this.

Greg: Probably do, like, tarot cards. i, I honestly, I don't know. Ding, ding, ding,

Laurel: ding, ding.

Greg: Oh, yeah.

Laurel: Yeah. That's it.

Greg: Yeah.

Laurel: Yep.

Daniel: Yeah. Yeah.

Laurel: I was also a little stumped on that one.

Daniel: I just wanted to use all my card puns.

Laurel: Yeah, I didn't write that one.

Daniel: When they aren't reading their schedule to plan for the future, card-carrying Polys might draw-

Greg: Yeah, I mean- It was- ... you did a great job of getting me there when I had no idea.

Laurel: Yeah.

Greg: Yeah.

Laurel: Yeah. Good job, Daniel.

Daniel: People say that to me a lot, actually.

Laurel: Good job of getting me there.

When

Greg: I had no idea. Okay, commercial break.

Laurel: Commercial break. I have another donut problem, actually- ... that's happening in my life. Um- What is it? Well, I'm going to Montreal in two days- Mm ... and I'm staying there through all of July, and my free donut stuff only works for United States-

Greg: Dunkin' Donuts. so I have, like, two days to get $7 worth of donuts, but I don't know if it'll happen.

Laurel: You should-

Nichole: I can make it happen.

Laurel: Uh, wait, how are you getting to Montreal?

Greg: airplane.

Laurel: get your box of Munchkins, share them on the airplane, become everybody's best friend.

Greg: Be like airplane hero.

Laurel: Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Airplane hero. Greg Shahade.

Daniel: I feel, I feel like this is the kind of thing, though- What? ... like, bringing this kind of, like, Poly philosophy onto the airplane, that's the kind of thing they'll drag you off for.

It's like- like, like, "This goes against the tenets of capitalism."

Greg: I'll find one person to share my Munchkins with. Nobody else can have them. Yeah.

Laurel: There we go. But- But think of the headlines. Jeopardy! champion Greg Shahade dragged off of American Airlines- ... flight for sharing donuts.

Daniel: And that's not a euphemism.

Laurel: All right. All right. Ready? Putting five minutes back on the clock for our final round.

Nichole: Final round.

Greg: Very pop culture. I'm scared of, but let's do 200.

Nichole: All

Greg: right.

Nichole: Yeah. Okay.

Laurel: I believe in you.

Nichole: This non-monogamous recording artist made her debut with ArchAndroid, while her latest album is The Age of Pleasure.

Greg: Oh, I don't know. I don't know if I can even guess. Who's a non-monogamous

Laurel: I know this one. I'm telling

Greg: you- Oh, yeah ... I'm, I'm bad at pop culture stuff. Uh, I, I guess I, I run out. I don't know the answer.

Laurel: I'm stealing it. Yeah. Who is Janelle Monae? Yeah.

I love Janelle Monae.

Daniel: All right. You've got a long road of failure ahead of you.

Greg: Do 400. I'm gonna get one, I'm gonna get

Nichole: one right. All right. This trashy reality TV show follows existing couples as they try to introduce a third.

Greg: I never watch reality shows, so it's, like, always tough when that category comes up.

Laurel: Yeah. M- make up one. Oh. Make up- ... like, what you think they would call the show. Yes. And you'll probably be pretty close.

Greg: Oh, gosh, Unicorn Hunters. What is Unicorn Hunters? Oh.

Laurel: Oh,

Daniel: that's-

Laurel: That would be great- That would be great ... and self-aware.

Nichole: This is, , what is Couple to Throuple.

Greg: My name's better.

Daniel: Yes,

Nichole: it is. Yeah, it is. Agreed. Yes, 600?

Greg: let's do it.

Nichole: The poly inventor of the lie detector also created this classic superhero with his two partners.

Greg: I mean, Well- Let's just say Spider-Man. I don't know.

Nichole: the comic book superhero is Wonder Woman. Who is Wonder Woman?

Greg: Oh, really?

Nichole: Yes. Wonder Woman. So do you wanna tell- Oh, I

Greg: knew that 'cause there was a movie.

Nichole: Yes.

Greg: Yes

Nichole: All right, are we doing 800? Let's

Greg: do it. I got this one.

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: This nonagenarian actress is also known for her metaphysical beliefs and a 28-year non-monogamous marriage.

Greg: Man, I really feel like I've heard this one before. I don't wanna slow down the game.

Daniel: All right.

Nichole: Who is Shirley MacLaine?

Greg: Oh.

thing is, I thought about her, but was like, "There's no way

Daniel: There is a way, there is a way.

She talked about once having sex with three different men in one day because she didn't want to be left out.

Laurel: Left out?

Nichole: D- Left out of what?

Laurel: Yeah, left out of what, exactly?

Daniel: Life. She just-

Nichole: All right.

Daniel: we're out of time, but I think that this is a, this is a bonus, right? Yeah.

Nichole: Yeah. This is 1,000?

Daniel: Yeah, this is Final Jeopolly.

Nichole: This is Final Jeopolly. This Miss Independent singer recently unveiled his relationship pyramid and a disappointing one-penis policy.

Greg: You know, the o- I know this one bec- I don't know who this person is, but you know where I learned this from?

Laurel: Where?

Greg: Your show.

Hey. Oh. Who is Ne-Yo? Yeah.

Nichole: Yay. You win the whole thing.

Greg: right. So- Um, who is Ne-Yo is actually a question I have.

Laurel: Yeah. Yes. Who, who is Ne-Yo? Who is

Daniel: Ne-Yo?

Nichole: Thank you so much, Greg.

Laurel: Yeah, thank you, Greg.

Nichole: This was so much fun.

Daniel: And, uh, our apologies to, Jeopardy! and the ghost of Alex Trebek for any offense we may have caused, or lawsuits we may have incurred. Our apologies for the lawsuits- ...

Nichole: that we filed- In advance ... against

Laurel: us,

Daniel: yeah. Yeah, that we're putting you through the trouble, you know? Um, so.

Laurel: Thank you so much, Greg. Thank you so much. Really appreciate you- Oh, my pleasure ...

Greg: It was a joy being here. I love to play Jeopardy!, so this is perfect.

Nichole: Yay. Yay.

I feel validated

Because he got the Final Jeopardy! and he got it from our podcast.

Laurel: Oh, yeah.

Daniel: That's right. Our propaganda is working.

Nichole: Mm-hmm.

Daniel: People believe anything we say.

Laurel: We're educating the masses.

Satan is real.

Daniel: Real hot. You know, interesting that that's a big part of, like, really early pornography too. Have you gotten into all the, like, the weird devils doing explicit sexual acts-

Nichole: It's mostly

Daniel: s- ... engravings?

Nichole: It's mostly satyrs

Daniel: Yes, satyrs. There are a lot of devils though too. I can show you devils.

Nichole: Well, there's not devils until you get to Christianity. I'm in, like, the Roman-Greek era-

Daniel: Yes

And that's all satyrs and all in the butt.

Nichole: Pretty much, yeah. Yeah. Yep. I don't know that I'll be recreating that.

Daniel: I mean, satyrs in the butt, you know?

Laurel: Like putting the whole satyr in the butt?

Daniel: Yeah, the whole plate, the shank, everything. the orange for the, uh, LGBTQ population. Yes. The egg, and then you lay it.

Nichole: Satyrs.

Daniel: If you did put the entire satyr plate in your butt, would you do it, like you'd do it piece by piece, I think, right?

Laurel: that would be the safer way to do it, but not the fun way of doing it.

Nichole: Have a safer satyr this year. Only stick...

Laurel: Make sure each of your satyr plate items are flanged.

Nichole: This feels incredibly sacrilegious.

Daniel: I mean, you are sitting with, uh, a couple of the baddest Jews around.

Nichole: Oh, yeah?

I don't know that we wanna be in a contest for baddest

Laurel: Jew. Baddest Jew. I'll take it. I'll take that moniker. All right.

Nichole: Okay.

Daniel: Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna make T-shirts.

Laurel: I'm one bad Jew. Free Palestine.

Daniel: She also goes around, uh, , like serving up bacon. Just, like she's, she doesn't even work at the, supermarket. She just goes down there and pretends that she's part of the, uh, demonstrations team- Uh, yeah ... and then just hands out little bits of bacon.

Waits for people to eat them, and they're chewing, and then leans in and whispers, "Free Palestine."

Nichole: I like this grassroots effort.

Daniel: And then, and then she does, like, an ironic shalom backing up, like the i- like the ironic live long and prosper. Which is also a Jewish thing.

Nichole: Yes.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: It is, yes.

Daniel: Part of the threefold blessing.

Laurel: Yes.

Daniel: Yeah.

Nichole: Yeah.

Laurel: Yes, thank

Nichole: you. 'Cause Leonard Nimoy peeked.

Laurel: Oh, that's one bad Jew.

Daniel (2): Harry Houdini.

Leonard Nimoy, he was in shul one day. That's temple. That's where Jews goo... That's where Jews go to- That's where Jews goo. That's where Jews go to do their secret Jewy things. Uh-huh. And there was one specifically secret Jewy thing that the rabbi was doing, and when he's doing the threefold blessing, you're told not to look because it's this powerful, magical Jew voodoo.

And then, you know, Leonard Nimoy peeked, and the rabbi was doing the, the Vulcan salute before it was the Vulcan salute with, like, two hands too. Mm-hmm. It was, like, he was, like- Wow ... Tupac-ing the, the- So

Laurel: dextrous.

Daniel: Yeah. And then years later when they're like, "We need a, a Vulcan salute," he was like, " I'm now going to conspire to introduce- Okay.

my religion into the masses as a, insurgence against Christmas."

Laurel: Hey, Daniel.

Daniel: Yes?

Laurel: Who do the voodoo?

Daniel: Jew

Laurel: woo.

Daniel: In the podcast episode that I was just editing, we somehow mentioned codpieces, and I just put a drop of David Bowie in Labyrinth, Jareth- Mm-hmm ... saying, " Cause he had a gigantic codpiece. He

Nichole: did. He had a codpiece that got bigger every scene he was

Daniel: in. I know.

Nichole: That's a literal thing that they did.

Laurel: It's- Wait, they really did

Nichole: that? They actually did that, yes.

Laurel: Wow. Yeah. It's just like the steering wheel in that one Unicorn Hunters profile. Speaking of, we have that coming up later.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Nichole: Unicorn hunter hunters. We're not gonna

Daniel: do it right now?

Nichole: No, let's- Okay, fine, fine, fine, fine. Let's end on a fun one, like jokey fun.

Daniel: And by fun you mean cruel.

Nichole: Yes.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: Yeah. Okay.

Nichole: You know what else is cruel?

Laurel: Ooh.

Nichole: Poly mind fuck.

So yet again, listeners, we are here to hear about my poly mind fuck.

Oops.

Daniel: She made a fuck.

Nichole: I made a fuck. so I'm gonna need Daniel's help because I don't even really remember, like-

Daniel: So like a lot of poly mind fucks out there, this started in a text thread.

Laurel: Oh, cool.

Daniel: Yeah. You were actually in this text thread, Laurel.

Laurel: Like I was part of the text thread?

Nichole: Yeah, it's the amateur's text thread-

Laurel: Oh, sick ...

Nichole: thread that we have.

Laurel: Oh, I didn't even notice. Okay.

Nichole: Yeah. So Laurel, you had asked about,

Daniel (2): And OPEN is the organization for polyamory and. Ethical, non-monogamy. So, so I responded- That was for Pride, which we should do."

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: And then I asked- What do we have to do?

Daniel: thank you all, Stuberts, for participating in this dramatic reenactment.

and then I said in response to this straightforward question, "Man a table?

I'll do it if no one else can."

Nichole (2): So I took that to mean that me and Laurel had not been in the inbox, hadn't been active, and didn't know what we were already supposed to know.

Laurel: Yes, yeah.

Daniel: You took it as an accusation.

Nichole: Yes.

Daniel: Yes. Oh.

Nichole: And, I was upset because I like complete information.

Laurel: Uh-huh.

Nichole: I was like, "Okay." So I come storming into the room- ... and I was like, "Man a table? Man a table where?"

Daniel: And when?

Nichole: And when? I look in the inbox. It's not in there. Mm-hmm. And then I get even more upset.

Laurel: Mm-hmm.

Daniel: So what I never even noticed, is that they actually sent it to my personal email and did not send it to Poly Amateur Hour. Oh.

Laurel: Oh.

Nichole: so I kept getting mad, and then you found the email, and then I was like, "See, it's not in our inbox.

How would we have known?" And then we kept escalating, escalating, escalating. And I think where the poly part comes in is that you rightly- ... pointed out in the text message, look at Laurel's response.

Daniel: Yeah, it's a response to a text message.

Nichole: Correct.

Daniel: like me and the open table? Yeah. Do we know what day?

This is what a, a r- a random outsider might think of this text message. Let's get like a sample, of, like, How other people might interpret it. But you were like, " You're comparing me to Laurel now?"

Nichole: Okay. I really need you to not, like-

editorialize what I say because you get it wrong. But basically, like I did internalize it. I was like, Okay, well, if Laurel is the example, I'm the crazy one." Yeah, yeah. And like, I was just pissed about it.

Daniel: In this case, I was like, "Laurel represents average Joe."

Nichole: Right, but I didn't take it as that. So one, I was pissed because I felt like I should know something. As a person who, like-

Laurel: You like to know things ...

Nichole: I like to know things. You know things. And I also know things. Yeah.

Laurel: This is, um, interesting 'cause I see where you and I differ in a response, where you're like, "Yeah, I know things," and this is like a contrast to my idea of like my own self-image where I'm informed about like what it is we're doing or supposed to be doing. And my like concept of my own self-image is-

of course I wouldn't know about this.

Of course I forgot something. Yeah. Yeah.

Nichole: Um, Daniel said, "This is the stupidest fight we've ever had." He was yelling, I was yelling.

Daniel: A- and this was really my part of the fuck, is that I started yelling precipitously louder.

Nichole: I yell mostly with my eyes.

Daniel: Yeah, but then I was like, " You're acting fucking crazy."

Nichole: Wow. Yeah. So- Doesn't

Daniel: every

Nichole: woman love to hear that she's fucking crazy?

Laurel: Wow. Daniel, wow.

Daniel: To, to be fair, I didn't say that you were fucking crazy. I said you were acting fucking crazy. It was, it was just, it was your actions, not who you are. Wow. Thank you. Um, and I consider it something that you, uh, actually put on.

Like, it is an, an act in order to intimidate people. Like, that's, you know, a strategy for- Like when

Laurel: you're being, like, harassed on the subway?

Daniel: Yeah, like self-defense.

Nichole: Oh. In those situations I just cluck like a chicken.

Daniel: I left that part out. She was also clucking like a chicken.

Nichole: Oh my God.

so then we, you know, ended the fight by watching a Key & Peele sketch.

Daniel: The texting fight.

Laurel: Oh, yeah.

Daniel: so if you all want a reference for exactly what me and, Nicole were doing,

Nichole: so that brought us back together again.

Laurel: Aw.

Daniel: Aw.

Nichole: And you also...

Um, you have to go do some work.

I'm reading, and you go, "Good job." I was like, "Good job for what?" And he said, "For not saying sorry."

Daniel: You also have an apology problem.

Nichole: Where I say I'm sorry too often-

Daniel: You do ...

Nichole: for things that I'm not sorry about.

Daniel: But I was like, oh, you didn't apologize, and I actually was really impressed by that.

Laurel: Thank you. Hmm.

Daniel: Don't let it become a habit.

Laurel: What is that? That's Dumbledore clapping. Oh.

Nichole: I,

Daniel: I don't think you can do that anymore.

Laurel: Yeah, I think you're right. That's like a hate, that's a hate symbol now.

Nichole: Oh. Yeah. If you have a poly mind fuck, please send it to us either at our website at polyamateurhour.com , in our form.

And you can select poly mind fuck and tell us a story, or email us at polyamateurhour@gmail.com.

Daniel: And now that we've rolled out those addresses, let's have a real quick poly pyramid scheme.

Laurel: Send us some questions

Daniel: And don't feel like you necessarily need advice to ask a question. You can ask our opinion on something.

Nichole: even if you think somebody has asked that question before, ask it.

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: Like- '

Laurel: Cause maybe I've changed my mind.

Nichole: There is a very good possibility that we've changed our minds.

Laurel: Yeah. A-

Daniel: and it's totally a thought starter, right? Yes. Just because you ask a certain question doesn't mean the answer that you're going to get is gonna have anything to do with the question.

Laurel: True.

Nichole: It is Ask the Amateurs, so-

Laurel: Yeah ...

Nichole: be prepared for an amateurish

Laurel: answer.

Daniel: Be prepared for Nicole to read your question as an accusation.

They, they act like I should know this.

Nichole: Oh my God. All right.

Laurel: should we move it along?

Daniel: Where should we move it?

Nichole: you wanna hunt some unicorns?

Nichole: so Unicorn Hunter Hunters is the segment where we find Unicorn Hunter profiles and we rate them on three categories.

Daniel: Self-aggrandizement.

Laurel: Arbitrary rules.

Nichole: And would we unicorn?

Daniel: Because sometimes our standards are low.

When we're feeling so-so. Then we are open for some a-gropin'.

When Nicole is like, "Nope, and no, no." Okay, so I

Nichole: guess- That's nice ... this segment the shortest theme song so you get to, you get to have that song.

Um, and you know the best part of unicorn hunter hunters is when there's a surprise. and the biggest surprise about this one-

Laurel: Uh-huh

Nichole: is that we're not doing unicorn hunter hunters.

Daniel: What?

Nichole: We're doing a spit toasting.

Daniel: What the fuck?

Laurel: Suck a what? Suck on that.

Daniel: This is why you wouldn't- This is why you wouldn't share it with me.

Nichole: Are you surprised?

Daniel: I am totally surprised. Yay.

Laurel: Okay. Yay. Wow. We did

Nichole: it. We did it. Good job. ' So, stuports, spit toasting We call it affirmation bukkake. we get to show our love and appreciation, for our friends and lovers. And you too can do a spit toasting. If you have, , a friend or lover who you want to express your love for, send us a spit toasting.

And today, you know how we feel about you, Daniel, Laurel, and I.

Daniel: Ambivalent?

Nichole: Okay, so we have some people who wanna share their love and appreciation for you.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: Okay.

Dahlia: really musically- ... gifted. Like I've heard him improvise so many styles and things on piano, and then do like these weird little hip hop tracks, and the pace at which he like produces all this creative output, it's just really fascinating and inspirational to see.

And he mixes a mean cocktail, you know? , And as a heavy drinker myself, I, I appreciate a nice cocktail. It makes me feel classy. Uh- ... and you always feel kinda classy around Daniel. Like he's really sweet and has this positive energy around him that just kinda uplifts everyone in his general aura. And I think that's just really amazing.

And, you know, he always smells pretty. That's always a plus. I do like a pretty smelling man. A lot of men smell like, like poop. Mm-hmm. Like poop and, and dried semen. But not Daniel. Daniel r- is very meticulous in his- ... appearance and upkeep, and it's just... It's a nice change of pace. It's almost like he approaches every moment and aspect of his life as art, and I think that's nifty.

I think that's all I have to say about Daniel right now. Um, but like damn, Daniel. Mm-hmm. That's... I just wanted to say that 'cause I'm old. Um, and that felt good. Okay, love you. Bye.

Daniel: Thank you, Dahlia. Thank you, Dahlia. Aw.

to be clear, I do smell like dried semen, but it is, like, m- lovely perfume and dried semen- Yeah ... which is, which is a better combo.

Laurel: Sure. It's ox musk and dried semen. Oh

Nichole: my God.

Laurel: Next?

Mia: Hi Daniel, this is Mia. one of my favorite things about you is how respectful you are of the people in your life. , That struck me really early on, when I was getting to know you, that the way that you talk about people makes me love them too.

you have like this gift for seeing what's special about somebody and, communicating that to others, so, so it's like very obvious. you're also like a magnet for really beautiful humans. Like sure, they're hot, but also like genuinely wonderful people. You're one of them. Um, I think people just feel really seen by you.

and it's really clear that you make everyone in your lives better. you're also just endlessly curious. You're always so interesting to talk to, and are really willing to dive into talking to me about whatever little weird thing I'm on at the moment. , You're also somebody that I trust with my whole heart.

There's sometimes you say things to me pretty bluntly that I think would hurt coming from other people. Um, but it just lands differently because I think you just see people, like I can tell you're paying attention, and you understand, and that's really rare. I could say so much more, but I love you so much.

I'm so happy to know you and happy to have you, in my life.

Nichole: I really, really agree with the seeing people.

Daniel: Raised by feral therapists. So always got an eye out. Mm-hmm. to Mia, you are one of those amazing, beautiful, wonderful people in my life. Mm-hmm.

Laurel: Mm-hmm.

Daniel: And, I feel seen as well. In the feedback loop. Of seeing. We're just mutual seeing.

Laurel: I've been watching you watching me. I appreciate that you're creative.

Stacie: I appreciate that you're kind. I appreciate that you are extra in the absolute best kind of way. I appreciate that you decided a vision for your life and that you work to make that happen. I think that that's cool. I also appreciate that you've been my friend for a very long time now, and that you've been in my life in nothing but a supportive way.

So there you go. There's a short little blurb about what I think is wonderful about you. I appreciate you, and I'm glad that you are you

Daniel: Thank you, Stacy. it's a relationship that I really treasure. Like, it was one that we started out dating years ago, and, like, it's really meaningful that you've stayed in my life as well,

Thomas: Daniel. Ugh, Daniel. You know, when I first met you, I walked into your house, and you were at the piano, and you were playing Paper Moon, which is one of my all-time favorite songs, so it was very easy for me to fall in love with you.

And I just wanted to send you best wishes for the next chapter, and congratulations. You're a wonderful human, and all the things that you desire should be yours

Daniel: Thank you, Thomas. I'm just stoked to have been able to hear your voice today. Just makes everything a little better.

Nancy: Baby, I'm excited to toast you. You bring so much compassion and joy into my life. I've seen you open your home and your heart in so many ways, and create spaces where people can just have fun and connect. And I have this memory I wanna share from the midsummer party last summer where, that you and Nicole hosted, and right at the end of the night while everyone was heading out and we were banging on the couch-

and they left, and I just felt my heart open in a new way. It was like this glimpse into the way that you move through the world and create community and joy around you. I admire that you're always authentically you, that you stay true to your heart, and you always allow me to show up exactly as I am, too.

I love the contrast of our time together, watching you pick out the perfect fragrance before a fancy dinner, or just snuggling on the couch with the dogs, or partners, or friends, and I love that after all this time I can reliably count on you making me an ice cream cone after dinner, even if you have to DoorDash it or steal some from Laurel's house.

Your creativity inspires me, whether you're playing jazz, writing songs, or making the perfect cocktail, editing the pod. You bring curiosity and art to everything. I will always eat the seafood tower and drink whatever weird briny cocktail with you. So here's to you, baby. Thank you for being exactly who you are, and I hope you always boldly go where no slut has gone before.

I love you.

Daniel: I love you too, Nancy. Thank you. I don't know if I just reached, uh, you know, like a, a, a threshold, but I'm starting to tear up a little bit. Oh.

Nichole: Uh-huh.

Laurel: Uh-huh.

Daniel: Yeah, so- '

Laurel: Cause we've got four more to go.

Daniel: Okay.

Laurel: Deep breath.

Daniel: And you know what? I was wondering after I got laid off why I didn't have as much money saved up as I thought I should have based on, um, you know, how much I was making at that job, and then listening to these-

it's like cocktails, cocktails, fancy dinner, perfume- ... perfume, perfume, fancy cocktails, perfume, ice cream cones.

Laurel: That's

Daniel: where

Laurel: it all went.

Daniel: That's...

Nichole: Oops. You still have those things. You got plenty of fragrance to work through.

Daniel: Yeah, the ice cream cones are gone though.

Nichole: I'll get those for you, baby Thank

Daniel: you, thank you, sugar mama.

Cole: The biggest thing I love about Daniel is his infectious enthusiasm. Your energy is so bright and uplifting. Um, I appreciate what a cute little dandy you are. You're very fashionably dressed most of the time. Actually, all the time. Um, I think I'm just weird about sweat suits sometimes. That's not your problem, that's mine.

Um, also I like that you smell good with nice natural scents, not any alcohol or anything like that. I appreciate a place to watch and talk shit about Star Trek. Mm-hmm. I appreciate how well-behaved one of your dogs are. Um, and I just appreciate the space that you make for people to hang out.

Daniel: Now, which dog were they talking about? Which one's the well-behaved one? Because, yeah, sure, Darla yaps and yaps and nips, but Dash will chew his hair.

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: Hmm, pretty sure it's Darla.

Daniel: Okay, okay. Pretty

Nichole: sure it's Darla.

Ben: Here are a few things that I love about Daniel. He's brilliant like a floodlight and as loyal as a spaniel. He'd never get a scarlet letter as narrated by Nathaniel Hawthorne. Boulevard is where I met him. We called him Fuzzy Dan, and he had sideburns. You could pet them. He liked to eat free bagels any time that he could get them and be wild, freestyle, sing and dance, getting sweaty on the floor, doing splits in thrift store pants, and working on his novel and his album and his band, all the while looking for a love that understands.

Daniel searched, never finding what was right, learning that monogamy bound his heart and loins too tight, accepting what he needed always was a chronic fight, until slowly he embraced the truth of who he is, an artistic autodidact intent on wildly sharing jizz, a talented pianist who can make a mean gin fizz, a polygamistic dog dad on a trek out to the stars.

So many gifts has Daniel, uncontainable within these bars, so I'll stop here. Hope you're holding him dear. A sexy lady on each arm, kissing

Daniel: Ben. Ben. Thank you. I feel X-ray vision scene. you know, I love you so much, know that I am going to put a beat behind that. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Okay.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: Yeah.

Natalie: Daniel, I really love you so much. I remember meeting you in a restaurant with my Dan for the first time, and I think you were hesitant of me only because of being protective of my Dan's heart, which I also love. But I think we became fast friends because of our mutual love for Daniel Riley. I always love hanging out with you, and I look forward to many more years of being friends

Daniel: I don't have anything more clever to say today.

Laurel: You have one more left. One

Daniel: more. Okay. Okay.

Laurel: Ready? And then we'll release you.

Daniel: Okay.

Frances: Daniel, thank you for being such a dear, brilliant friend. The sort whose brilliance is generous and open and lights upon everyone around you, making us brilliant too. You are kind and charming and hilarious and rightly so very loved because to be your friend is to be taken care of and appreciated without reserve.

You've been so good to all the highest and lowest versions of me in equal measure, and it is through your friendship that I've known community. People love your parties not only because they're smashing and generally involve a hot tub, but because you make the people around you feel special. Thank you, Daniel, for making me feel special

Nichole: Francis always closes us out.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: Just the last drop wrung from the sponge of me. Okay.

Laurel: Oh. I'll, uh, I'll finish this off by saying that, um, I hid all of these audio files in our entry for, uh, Is This Poly: Batman Forever.

Daniel: I have no faith in me to ever look at that entry

Laurel: Every time I'm like, "Let's do Batman Forever," Daniel's like, "No."

Nichole: But this is a call. Like-

Laurel: This is a call. Now we have to do Batman Forever.

Nichole: Yep. Now we have to do it.

Daniel (2): All right, now I have to ask myself, was the spit toasting worth it?

Worth doing Batman Forever.

Can you make us laugh? Can you make us cry? Can you make us wanna break out, enjoy a song? Is that more than one thing? Okay. The point is, I run this dump and I don't know the technical mumbo jumbo. Why do I run it? 'Cause I got horse sense, God damn it. Showmanship. And also, and I hope he told you this, I am bigger and meaner and louder than any other kike in this town.

Did you tell him that, Lou? And I don't mean my dick is bigger than yours. It's not a sexual thing, although you're the writer, you'd know more about that. Coffee?

Yes, thank you. Lou!

But this is not a gift for an ordinary girl who takes care of a screaming baby. Do you want it? Then forget the baby. Care. Sarah

Laurel (2): From a Stubbert and then Daniel O'Neil has a unicorn hunter, hunters, a Mel, a Melbourne based unicorn hunter. Hunter. It's better than my accent.

Daniel: I checked, I checked down under.

Laurel (2): Ew. You're always checked down under,

Daniel: we actually don't need our headphones for this part. It makes

Laurel (2): me feel really professional, though I feel important, which is not how I feel at work, so I need to get it somewhere.

Mm-hmm.

Daniel: It's really interesting hearing all of your voices just enriched in your backed up by a, by a second self

Laurel (2): inside your brain hole. I don't think this is gonna tra Oh, did I even bring my phone down here?

I'll have to show you the picture later. No, I do have my phones in my pocket. So my friend's child who spit toasted me last couple weeks ago.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Laurel (2): Um, and then set up, write proper boundaries after saying, I love you. I don't wanna say anything else.

Daniel: That whole statement, that sentence that you just made sounds so weird to anybody who does not know our nomenclature

Nichole: set up.

Right. Proper boundaries.

Daniel: No. This kid who spit toasted me,

Laurel (2): I was, I was also thinking write proper boundaries. I feel like that's translatable. The spit toast part did not even occur to me.

Daniel: Spit toasting is our segment where we say really kind things about each other because the world breaks us down on a minute by minute basis at all other times. And it's the one time when, uh, we can feel, um, broken down and assaulted by kindness.

Yeah. Instead. Mm-hmm.

Laurel (2): Yeah. And my friend's kids participated in that anyways. They were over one day, um, uh, hanging out with me and they brought a bunch of their, like stuffed animals and toys and stuff. Um, and uh, the youngest had this like little raptor figurine. Mm-hmm. Like. Probably like the, is like the palm of your hand, like very small little guy, but it's like very precious.

Um, so we kept making sure to put the raptor like in a place where we would find a man. And then, um, when it came time when mom came to pick him up and take him home, um, we couldn't find the raptor. And I was like going kind of insane about this. 'cause I was like, we were careful about the raptor, like where mm-hmm.

Where did it go? And we couldn't find it. And I like, even after that, like scoured the place. Mm-hmm. You

Daniel: always gotta just guess at that point in the child's nose

Laurel (2): or in the dog's tummy. I, yeah, that was, I was like, but like Zoe doesn't usually eat things. Mm-hmm. Like, she should do pretty good about it. Um, and I guess, um, uh, the kid kept telling mom like, I like, like I remember hiding it in a little, like a secret little place so I could find it again.

And I found it today. And

there is, I have this like diorama, like a model that I built that is the size of like a book.

Mm-hmm. And you

Laurel (2): can put it like in your bookcase between books. So it just looks like, oh, books, find books, find book spine. Ooh, diorama.

Daniel: I've seen, I've seen these like, like little cafe scenes. Exactly.

Laurel (2): And that's what it is.

It's like a little alleyway cafe scene. And today I notice a raptor hanging out in the cafe.

Daniel: They have those in Japan.

Laurel (2): A Raptor cafe. Yeah. Yeah. So you could come in and pet the raptor. I believe it. And I, I freaked out and immediately sent my friend a message and was like, you're not gonna believe.

Nichole: So did the child put it in the Yes.

Laurel (2): Put it in the diorama and didn't remember and did it, I guess.

Didn't remember, but remembered enough to know like that they put it in a secret little place. Yeah. Like, like what? Magical like little child like, um, brain imagination. That's just like, I put it in a little place and all of us idiot adults are like, what the fuck?

Daniel: Nose? Nose. Its nose, it's in

Laurel (2): your nose or inside the dog.

But it's literally in a, in a miniature model.

Nichole: That's so cute. Isn't it?

Laurel (2): So cute.

So there, that was the most wholesome thing I will ever bring to this podcast. Mm-hmm.

Daniel: I think it's so interesting that like, um. One of the most common, like toys for our smallest humans are the most gigantic, most savage beasts that have ever walked the earth.

And we give them these little miniatures so they can be like a thousand times larger than, than their Dragons. Dragons.

Nichole: Okay. This is a question that's like Gen X versus millennial again. Should I? With the war? We should.

Laurel (2): Oh man. Now we need a segment for this and a song

Daniel: Put up my Dukes.

Nichole: I, okay. I guess it's not versus, but Laurel, you can attest to this, right?

Mm-hmm. Jurassic Park comes out. Mm-hmm. Everybody wants to be a paleontologist. Right? There is a ton of, a ton of books, a ton of toys that are like dinosaur focused. Yes. And every like little boy and girl on earth want to be like, yeah. Like paleontologist, I wanna go,

Laurel (2): I wanna go find some Dino bones. Yeah.

And then make a dinosaur. Yes. Yeah. And like

Nichole: you studied all the dinosaurs and you knew the different, you know, periods of like the Jurassic and the Cretaceous or like whatever. Um, don't remember them now. Yeah. Um, but I'm wondering Daniel, like, were dinosaurs. 'cause dinosaurs have continued, I think, to be a thing for young people, for like, like little kids.

Were they always, were they always a thing?

Daniel: Steven Spielberg. Did not invent dinosaurs. Not, not in the way that, you know, uh, Coca-Cola, not in the way that, I'm not sure. I

Laurel (2): don't, I dunno about that. That's a hot take, Daniel.

Daniel: Not in the way that Coca-Cola invented. Santa Claus. Or in the way that, um, uh, Steven Spielberg, you know, rescued all the, uh, Jewish children in the Holocaust.

Um, mm-hmm.

Laurel (2): Well, that's what's missing now. Like we need Spielberg to save us from machination.

Daniel: That's, this is true. Um, spiel.

Laurel (2): Where you at? Right. To us at Paul?

Daniel: One more thing the Jews have to do. Uh, so dinosaurs were, uh, no pun intended, huge. When I was a kid, I had like, trading cards of all the different dinosaurs and like where they, um, you know, all the different dinosaurs and the different, like prehistoric mammals.

Mm-hmm. Um,

Daniel: I had, uh, books about learning how to ride and keep dinosaurs. What,

how to train your dinosaur.

Daniel: How to train your dinosaur. Um, no, dinosaurs have always been, um, at least through the 20th century, I think. Uh, little, a little kid

Nichole: thing.

Daniel: Yeah. Specifically. Specifically I think little boys, it might've like if, if, if, well

Laurel (2): actually that's interesting 'cause in the 18 hundreds it was actually like stereotypically a little girl thing

and little girls wore blue and little boys wore uhhuh and men wore high heels.

Daniel: That's because, uh, little girls, uh, had tiny, tiny arms back then.

Nichole: So they just identified. Yeah, harder representation matters. I see myself as a dinosaur. Okay. So dinosaurs have always been a little kid thing.

Daniel: Dinosaurs have always been a little kid thing as

Nichole: since the dawn

Laurel (2): of time, you know, IE gen

Daniel: XIIE 1978 when I was born and, and the world came into existence.

Laurel (2): Mm-hmm.

Wow. Well love that.

Laurel: How are we, I just wanna make sure we also need to like email a link to our Melbourne friends,

Laurel (2): so I just wanna make sure we do that with some,

Daniel: do you wanna do it now?

Laurel (2): Sure. Is that a thi like, in my head.

Laurel: And I should know better because I use Zoom for work, but in my head I'm like, oh, well, once you start a Zoom link, it's like a ticking time bomb. And so you have to find the perfect right moment to send it. That's not too soon, but not too late. I don't know.

But

Nichole: don't we have a very specific time scheduled to talk? Yes, we do. So like, wouldn't, wouldn't they not click the link until that? Yes. Okay.

Laurel (2): Yes.

Nichole: I'm

Laurel (2): just checking. But it's, it's like Yeah, what you're saying checks out.

Daniel: Thank you. But we're communicating with Melbourne, so he is taught us It is pronounced, which is a little like communicating with like an alternate dimension.

It's like, or a different time.

Laurel (2): Yeah. It's like that episode, it's summer down under right now. Hmm.

Daniel: It's like that episode of Voyager when they were speaking through the tiny, tiny wormhole.

Laurel: Oh yeah.

Daniel: And they thought they were speaking to people back in their, uh, home quadrant and they were, but it was also like 70 years earlier.

That's what I imagine are, are like, um, our wormhole to Melbourne

that's Yeah. Is less. We just have a little, it's 70 years ago.

Daniel: Oh what? Welcome to Poly Amateur Hour.

Laurel: I'm Laurel, I'm Nicole,

Daniel: I'm Daniel.

Laurel: I still like,

Laurel (2): I still feel compelled after we do that to be like, and together we make

Daniel: That's my joke.

Laurel (2): That Yeah. And that's my joke to be like what? I'm just saying, the urge is

Nichole: there. I get it.

Daniel: Um, if we do that, we have to, you know, like then we're committing to a hand stack.

Laurel (2): Oh yeah. The hand stack. I don't think we have time for that today.

Nichole: Aw. Did we ever, did we decide that that thing was called a hand stack? I think that's like the conclusion

we

Nichole: came

to.

Laurel (2): There is no, no name besides hand stack. Hand stack all in on the hand stack.

Daniel: I mean, when we describe it that way, I imagine that we just leave our hands in the stack.

It seems like a static, a static hand stack. Mm-hmm. You know, that you would just, you know, pile them on top of each other and then we could just leave them like that through the whole episode and it would make me feel real cozy.

Nichole: Oh yeah. You just put your hand out and then looked at us like, come on, put your hand on top of my hand for the whole time.

Melbourne will log on and see our hand stack and, and know we are, we are

Laurel (2): truly a community.

Daniel: Put your hand on my hand stack.

Nichole: Put your head on my shoulder. Is that what you're singing?

Daniel: Yeah, but I have headphones on and they have no pitch.

Laurel (2): That's your excuse. What's mine? Put your hand on

Laurel: my hands.

Daniel: That was actually pretty good. Yeah. Yeah. It was like a little sweet, tiny voice.

Laurel (2): That's the only voice I have. Do you wanna send the link? Can we, we don't have to like placate my, yeah, just send strange anxiety. Yeah.

Daniel: Do I need to do it?

Laurel (2): I think so. 'cause I don't have the um, the Zoom login.

Nichole: All right, so you do that.

I gotta check one thing at work.

Laurel (2): Okay. I hope that checking that one thing at work is just like, you go and just write an email, like an all staff email and she's like, fuck you guys

close. I'm close to it.

When did your basement get so spooky?

Daniel: Um,

it was like when I added the sixth body. Oh, it was just overwhelmed.

Laurel (2): That makes sense.

Oh my God. What is in your eye?

Like a nectarine? What's going on? Why is there a whole nectarine in your eye?

He The bells there. The bells. Where? The bells here. The bells.

Daniel: What is the, um,

oops.

Yeah. Here comes the link. Here comes the link

Dink.

Laurel (2): I've been eating pixie sticks off camera on my zoom meetings at work because I have a problem.

Daniel: Raver girl vaping.

Laurel (2): Is that what it is? It's the raver girl version of vaping. Yeah. I feel like vaping is also the raver girl girl version of vaping. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm, it's like a, I wear like a straight edge raver girl, which seems, um, oxymoronic.

What does moron mean?

Daniel: Yeah, it's like you're more on than off.

What is more on me Or more? More, uh,

Laurel (2): yeah, like what's the etymology? Entomology. Entomology

Daniel: is bugs. Etymology is words.

Laurel (2): How can I remember that?

Daniel: Um.

Entomology because bugs enter your body through your ear.

Laurel (2): Uh, okay. Unlike words, fuck, fuck entomology because bugs are tangled in your hair.

Daniel: Yes. Just remember your, your hair lice from uh, grade school every time.

Laurel (2): I don't think I had hair lice in grade school.

Daniel: Oh, that's so nice for you that

Laurel (2): at least I don't remember it.

Nichole: I did. Yeah. Yeah. And I remember I had to cut my hair. Oh no. Was it traumatic? It grew back curly. It had not been curly. What, what? Wait, what? Like I cut my hair short and my hair had been wavy, kinda like yours. And then as it grew back it got like actually curly. I don't think that's a thing. Like I don't think that's like a phenomenon of was like if you cut your hair short when your hair just changes like pattern every seven years and just happened to be the time that my hair was changing.

Daniel: Oh, that was years ago. Not recently

Nichole: that I had lice. Yes, of course. It was years ago. Oh,

Daniel: sorry. I was, I was work, I was working on the sound. Um, oh. I thought maybe your hair just grew back in curly. 'cause you've been fucking me. I. It's like a Jew thing. It's like a Jew thing. It's Jew thing.

Laurel (2): You just wanna take credit

Nichole: for everything.

Daniel: I do, I do.

Laurel: Nicole

Nichole: cares. Don't take credit for everything, because that's where conspiracy theories come from. Oh yeah. With the Jews. That's

Laurel: true. Yeah. Stop it Daniel.

Laurel (2): Stop perpetuating conspiracy theories about our peoples.

Daniel: I mean, I did just, uh, take credit for the Birth of the Universe a little while ago.

Laurel (2): Wait, were we recording when you did that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's something wrong with me. What? Like, I don't remember shit that just happened.

Daniel: You've been really depressed and that actually affects your memory, I think.

Laurel (2): Will I ever get it back or is that gone? Ginkgo Bo Loba, this episode of Poly Amateur Hours brought to you by Ginkgo Baloba.

Daniel: The, the, the, the Ginkgo Baloba.

I mean, the question is, do you really want to remember?

Laurel (2): I do. I feel insecure when I don't remember. Okay. I feel crazy and insecure.

Daniel: Um, luckily we're recording so we can, so I can go back and be like,

Nichole: oh, okay. That's what we said. Yeah, no, that's why I have everything in writing all the time at work. I think, I mean, the pandemic really did actually do something to our memories.

Yeah. Um, I recently reconnected with someone. I used to, I don't wanna say date, I don't know that we dated, um, we hung out, we did a lot of things, um, in my early twenties, and he's like a vault. Like, he just remem like, he was like, remember this thing? And I was like, was that a show we went to? And he was like, no, it was, and he like showed me this, um, screenshot of a conversation that we had in 2011 and he's like, I keep everything.

I'm the son of a librarian. And I was like, I get that. But like, he just kept bringing up things that I like, did not remember. Wow. At all. I could also blame that on drinking, because that was before I got sober.

Laurel (2): Does he catalog at all like a librarian too? I think he's just, he's very

Nichole: like musical.

Daniel: Does he have hair and skin samples?

Nichole: Ew. Yucky. To catalog Like a librarian? Yeah. Or just 'cause Or just 'cause Yeah. I dated a serial

Laurel (2): killer.

Daniel: Hey, it was Seattle. Right.

Laurel (2): But it, but it liked me enough to keep me alive

Daniel: and stay in touch.

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: Mm-hmm.

Nichole: No, but I'm actually really excited about it. 'cause it is like, it's one of my favorite things is to like, reconnect with old flames.

Laurel (2): Yeah. You know, that kinda like

Nichole: rekindle shit. Ugh. It's so hot. Ooh. I really like it. I really like it. Ooh,

Laurel (2): spicy.

Daniel: Have you ever like, reconnected with somebody that you like knew in high school or like when you were in, uh, grade school as an adult?

Nichole: No, I don't think so. Like in a dating context or just in general? Yeah, in a

Daniel: dating context.

Nichole: No,

Daniel: no. It's weird.

Nichole: Is

Daniel: it? It's, it's weird

Nichole: what happened.

Daniel: Well, we do have our, our favorite Stu, right?

Laurel (2): Oh, Uhhuh.

Daniel: Who is. Um, you know, was part of a, uh, you know, a

Laurel (2): it was a child thief.

Daniel: Yeah, yeah. It was like, like a, like a household fagan ring kind of thing going on.

Mm-hmm. Where her mother leader of a, of a venerable, uh, anarchist commune house would, you know, the place where I would go and cook food for the place where I would go and cook for food, not bombs. Like, she was there as like a little crazy rugrat running around. Yeah. And like, they would go into, they, I, I would hear, like, I would hear stories about these kids.

I think she had like three or four sisters and the mother would like take them out to go shoplifting. Uh, they would go to music, millennium, our like record store and like grab CDs and tapes. And I overheard her chastising her kids about how they weren't allowed to shoplift anymore because they were not being stealthy enough.

It's like you're grounded from shoplifting. And this is a long way to say that as adults. That little crazy shoplifting urchin became a beautiful, wonderful stubbert. And we dated for a while.

Nichole: Who was this?

Daniel: Oh.

Laurel (2): Uh, uh, who was it? Buka. A compliment. Buki. Facial Stubbert.

Daniel: Compliment Buki. Facial Stubbert.

Laurel (2): Yeah.

Don't I said that during that episode? I was like, welcome.

Daniel: Oh, uh, yeah, like, um, my, my boyfriend's too hot for me. Stubbert.

Oh,

Nichole: got it. Okay. I know we're recording. I would just cut out, like you just, I know. I was waiting for one of us to just like, who's gonna just, just say her name, um,

Daniel: say her name. God.

Nichole: Um, um, did I, so it was weird to reconnect.

Daniel: It's, it's like speaking through the Voyager wormhole. It's 50 years earlier. Got it. Okay.

Um, today is a very special episode.

Laurel: I'm so excited. We did a read alert to reach out to our Berts in Melbourne.

I. They reached back

Laurel (2): through the wormhole. We all shouted into the tiny wormhole that is the internet and out popped a connection.

Laurel: And we're gonna get a stu on today

Laurel (2): to talk about, uh,

Laurel: to talk about poly live in the down under.

Daniel: Yeah. I mean, all the writing in the letter that he sent us was backwards.

Laurel (2): Yeah. And

Daniel: upside down.

Laurel (2): Oh, you had to hold a mirror up to it. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And flush it counterclockwise.

Daniel: So, um, he's like, you know, I'm not super out. Um, so give me a, gimme a special name. And we were like, you are Bert. No, he requested call me Dibert

Nichole: De Bert,

Daniel: name of his, his memoir.

Call Me Dibert.

Nichole: All right. Why Dibert

Daniel: stu? And

Nichole: an initial.

Daniel: An initial. So he is, you know, putting himself out there in that he's narrowed down his identity to, uh, all d names in Melbourne.

Laurel (2): Got it. Okay. What time is it?

Daniel: It's about six till.

Nichole: Ooh. Do you have to connect the audio? What's that dialogue? Boxing?

Daniel: Yes.

But I will do it when? Mm-hmm.

Nichole: When they hop on. Yeah.

You were just pounding those pixie sticks. Yeah, it's bad.

Daniel: So we did a photo shoot recently.

Mm-hmm.

Daniel: And one of the props that I am proudest of was a coke mirror with lines of pixie sticks powder and, uh, pixie sticks lying around on the mirror,

Laurel (2): which I don't think actually, like we don't have any photos with it. We do.

Daniel: Oh, we do.

Laurel (2): But like we have photos of it and we have photos of me eating sugar off of it and going with a coke nail.

Oh my Coke nail. Yeah. Which I have since removed.

Daniel: I mean, I think it's for the best because I think that we've enabled you, you've just been like downing these pixie sticks ever since.

Laurel (2): They're the only thing that's been keeping me going. I've had really late meetings all week. And, uh, I told my coworker this, like, I was like, when you see me go off camera during those meetings, I'm just eating a pixie stick.

Mm-hmm. But it's too awkward to eat a pixie stick on camera with your colleagues in Southeast Asia. So, yeah. It's

Nichole: not awkward to eat pixie sticks in front of other people when you're recording a podcast. You guys are family. You know me. I think it's probably just awkward to eat pix pixie sticks in whatever context.

Yeah. I was like, choke 'em. Oh shit. I'm sorry.

Laurel (2): Yeah, they're not like a, they're not a thing. Anyone should be caught eating. They're not elegant. No, no. You're just dumping a tube of sugar down your gullet,

Daniel: therefore neglected children in the, in the city. You know, like ones that you just, uh, you know, encounter in the wild who are stealing bikes and have half rotten teeth.

Um, the pixie sticks are for them.

Laurel (2): Yeah, well, it's like it was too expensive to form your sugar into something else. So here it is. Just in a paper tube,

Nichole: there's gotta be a band called the pixie sticks. Right. There's a, there's gotta be, there's the Pixies obs, but like the pixie sticks seemed like abandoned name.

Daniel: The pixie sticks is an all male cover band of the Pixies

Nichole: because they had one, I think they have one female. Yeah, it's not fair. They had to, they had to get rid of her. But also Pixie sticks kids sounds like a gang that would've run around with hot rot, half rotten teeth and eating pixie sticks.

Daniel: It's like the uh, um, the slight, the slightly skeer version of the Little Rascals.

Mm-hmm. It's like their, their enemy child gang from across the tracks, the pixie sticks kids

Nichole: and they have the same names, but there's Oh, oh, that's you.

Laurel (2): Is music from the pixie sticks with an X. Hey, hey, reaping benefits. I still be busing

down. Pull down bitch. What? Inside beverage. A don't her credit. I

Daniel: my baby mama.

Fucking not what I expected.

Yeah.

Laurel (2): That was fun. Now we know, now we know what is going on with this album Art. Are these

supposed to be children?

Laurel (2): I feel like, oh, I don't know. It is. It's unsettling.

Daniel: Yeah. I don't know. One of them has a gigantic cell phone.

Laurel (2): Okay. Idea. Yeah.

Daniel: Should we finish our intro of, of

Laurel (2): no idea

Nichole: first.

Laurel (2): Okay. Pixie.

Nichole: Pixie sticks. But Sticks is spelled with a y and it is a mashup of the Pixies and sticks. Oh

Laurel (2): yeah. Right. Uhhuh, right. Yeah.

So somebody get on that. I'll book you at my venue, which is my house on a Tuesday afternoon. For just me. For just, just me.

Daniel: Usually it's just me singing weird songs to you on a Tuesday afternoon at your house. Yeah.

Laurel (2): Yeah. But sometimes you gotta share. Did you wanna finish this intro?

Daniel: He's gonna jump on in like one minute.

I am so stoked to have another read alert, turn into a my own private turn into to have another read alert. Turn into my own poly Idaho.

Laurel: Me too. Me too. I love it.

Daniel: And this is the greatest distance from which we have ever fished for a, for a listener.

Nichole: Oh, it's true. Is there a greater distance? Yeah. Can you, can you be farther away?

Daniel: I do not know. Math time,

math

Daniel: break.

Skip the math break.

Laurel (2): We decided not to math.

How come?

Daniel: So, so instead of doing a prerecorded segment this time we are just going through straight, live and in person.

Laurel (2): Tumbling into it.

Daniel: Tumbling into it. Everybody duck and roll.

Laurel (2): Ah. Do you wanna hear more about plasma? Well, we wait for our guest. Is this a weekly update? Welcome to Plasma Cast powered by USB

Touch, sensitive Touch. This graphic is insane. I wanna be the person who makes these.

Daniel: Let me look. Am I getting a, I got, got a message from Darrell. What

Laurel: did Bert say?

I'll be there in just a minute.

Nichole: I don't think that's the right accent. I'll be the, in just a minute.

What if he was on right now and heard us doing that? And I was like, nevermind.

I just signed off and left.

Daniel: What happened?

What happened?

Daniel: Thanks. Me too. Did you reply something to him? Wait, what's going on?

Oh, I don't have the email set up on this phone. Do I?

Laurel (2): Can you check the zoom to see if, oh wait, he got it.

Daniel: Okay. You said thanks me too. It's not,

Laurel (2): did you say looking forward to it? And then he said thanks me too. Yes. Okay. Thanks. Me too. Yeah, just needed help on decoding.

Me too. Did

Daniel: you

Laurel (2): hashtag What did I do?

They've been canceled again

Daniel: by Melbourne, by,

Laurel (2): by the

city of Melbourne. What is going on there? Oh,

Daniel: so I guess while we're, while, while we're waiting, I can say this is um, my own Polly Idaho. Should we say what? Okay, so. For those of you just joining us, which you picked a hell of an episode, a read alert is when we call out to our anonymous listeners somewhere out there in the world who we see show up on our data, on our podcast hosting platform and we say, Hey, hey, hey, reach out.

Talk to us. And my own poly Idaho. It's

Laurel (2): a little more desperate than that. Yeah. We're not so like, we're not like non like, Hey, we're like please half the time.

No. Please, please.

Daniel: We need to know that we're not just shouting into the void Uhhuh.

Laurel (2): Mm-hmm.

Anyways, continue.

Daniel: Or in Laurel's case, snacking into the void.

Nichole: Please don't. Sorry.

Daniel: So my own poly Idaho, the resultant segment often is when we talk with somebody who is poly in an area that is far away from us and alien to our insular culture of Portland, Oregon. So far it's been people in various places in the United States, um, you know, reddish states.

Purple states, less populated states. Um,

Laurel (2): corn flavored states.

Daniel: Yes. Toasty states.

Nichole: Dick shaped state.

Laurel (2): Oh, I wonder if he's trying to get in. Does it look like someone's trying to get in?

Daniel: But today is our first, my own Polly Idaho from somebody on a different, uh, somebody in a different country, on a different continent.

Laurel (2): Mm-hmm.

Daniel: Somebody who's probably met a kangaroo.

Laurel (2): I've met a kangaroo. Aw,

Laurel: aw, I met a Joey. Aw, it was cute.

Daniel: At a zoo, or No, you went to Australia once, didn't you? Uhhuh

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: Yeah.

To meet a Joey.

Laurel: To meet a Joey.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: To meet a Joey.

Laurel: To meet a Joey.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel (2): It didn't work out. I

Daniel: did you, did you meet him on field?

Laurel (2): No. Field didn't exist at the time.

Daniel: Just, just, uh, um, exotic Australian animal. Tinder.

Laurel (2): Mm-hmm. Yeah. Wombat finder.

Nichole: This is the right link.

Daniel: It was a link that I copied from the thing. Enter the link.

Enter the link.

Enter

Laurel (2): the link.

Let me check if I've got fired yet.

So now everything comes with like an AI assistant. Mm-hmm. An Outlook has one called Copilot. Mm-hmm. So I was like, sure, I'll see what this does. And it was like, what would you like your email to say?

I would type it my fucking self if I knew what I wanted it to say. But I just know I'm supposed to send emails for work. I did. Uh, it does. So I, I was like, I was like, uh, for the content, like, here's the link to blah, blah, blah. Uh, and then you can push a button that's like, make it longer and then you can just keep pushing the button that makes it longer.

And it's like, it just adds shit. Like, like hope. Hope you're doing well. If you have any questions, reach just,

Nichole: um, earlier today, somebody asked, in this giant chat that I'm in at work, it's like 150 people. Somebody asked, does anybody have any AI transcription services that they like? And this other guy who I worked pretty closely with responded like, oh yeah, I use Otter ai, you know, for transcription. And I messaged him on the side.

I was like, so I used Otter AI to transcribe a tarot card reading I had, and I just needed you to know that.

Daniel: Well, I ter

Laurel (2): is that, uh, endo you? Mm-hmm. You ter?

Daniel: Yep. Yep. Um, is this a waiting for Gado situation? I just, I just, uh, I just, uh, emailed again. Okay. Just to be like, link working.

Link working.

Nichole: Is it recording?

Daniel: Yeah, it's recording there. It's recording here. Okay.

Nichole: Oh, now I'm

doing it.

Heyyyyyy.

Laurel (2): I just think about how fucking embarrassed Dawn Draper was. So that

Daniel: What a fucking uptight weirdo.

Laurel (2): Yeah. What

a fucking

Laurel (2): weirdo. I think that was really like, sort of the, the thesis of Mad Men. These are a bunch of uptight weirdos. What a fucking uptight weirdo.

Sorry. You like ran from me family and changed your identity and now you're a dick. Yeah. Yeah.

Nichole: Although there is that one scene. It keeps coming across my, um, social media. That's like Peggy is like, you never say thank you to Don about like, the work that she does. And he goes, that's what the money's for.

And like, I kind of wanna yell that and like, gen Z employees, I'm like, I'm not gonna say thank you. That's what the money's for.

Daniel: You should rewatch Mad Men. Take as many notes from the old crusty, grumpy dudes in the office and just try and drop the quotes on a daily basis. Sprinkle,

Nichole: remember I did start rewatching Mad Men during the pandemic and I started dressing like all sixties for the home.

Daniel: The home. Did we miscalculate like times or something?

Does he think that it's at a

Laurel (2): no. I even, we even talked about daylight savings time and stuff. I wor, I used World Time Buddy and then he even spoke back in Pacific Standard Time.

Hmm.

But we can't make this entire episode just about us waiting. Waiting for Bert.

Aren't they doing the new, like the Keanu Reeves waiting for Gadot or something? And Alex Winters?

Nichole: Yeah. Oh, I wanna see that so bad.

Laurel (2): Wait, is this like a, is this a theater, theater theatrical production, or is this a Yes, it's on Broadway. Okay.

Daniel: Yes. I don't know. My brain isn't working that well.

Laurel (2): You want a pixie stick?

Daniel: Um, I've also, I'll try a little bit of, yeah. Gimme a pixie stick.

Laurel (2): I've also, would you, what flavor would you like? Purple. Cut me up a line. Purple, orange, or darker orange.

Daniel: Yes. I'll take,

Laurel (2): choose. Choose. Choose

Nichole: wisely. Choose.

Laurel (2): Okay.

Nichole: Um, one of the most pretentious things I ever heard of was a production of Waiting for Gadot that wouldn't start until an audience member left. Oh, I

have heard of this

Nichole: too. Maybe you told me about it. I might have. Maybe I talked about it on the podcast

the last time we brought up Gau

Daniel: one, Audi one audience member.

I would've been so pissed if I was that audience member. Right?

Nichole: I would've been so pissed if I was that audience. Like, what the fuck?

Laurel (2): It's not cute. I think I would've been mad and then delighted and then mad again.

Daniel: Woo.

Laurel (2): Pixie stick. Pixie

Daniel: stick. I had. So if, if Dibert doesn't show up,

Laurel (2): yeah. Then we have to snort all the remaining pixie sticks.

Daniel: And then Nicole does, uh, does a Bert impression, does the, um, voice We interview Nicole as

Nichole: Bert

to the delight of everybody. Yeah.

Laurel (2): Hmm. You're supposed to make this grill in here. You're like magic.

Magic.

Nichole: Oh, it's an, is is there a magnet?

Laurel (2): Yeah. And this is like a, a plant. I don't know.

Daniel: It's very phallic.

Laurel (2): You're just saying that 'cause it's long and thin

Daniel: and 'cause it springs out

Laurel (2): and springy. You're just saying that 'cause it's long, thin and springy. Yeah. A mechanical pencil.

Daniel: What?

Oh my God. That is worse than Peter.

Laurel (2): What if you were just like, it's okay. Mechanical pencil.

Daniel: All right. So I do, if um, if Bert doesn't show up

Nichole: mm-hmm.

Daniel: And Nicole refuses

Nichole: to do an Australian accent, how am I supposed to answer? I don't know any of the answers to the questions. Just,

Daniel: just work in stuff about kangaroos. Just

Nichole: ask Chet. Oh yeah.

Daniel: I do have a backup guest lined up for today.

Laurel (2): You have a

back?

Laurel (2): Oh, no. Oh no. I know who it is. Did you bring it down here? Is it down here? It's down. Ew, it's been with us. No, he's been here the whole time. Oh my God. Uh. The problem with a ventriloquist dummy doll is, it doesn't work for a non-visual audience.

Daniel: Now you say that, but on the Colgate Comedy Hour,

which is basically the foundation of the show, so, oh my God.

Daniel: So, so actually like, so actually yeah, lemme do an act a So actually ventriloquist dummy fact. The most famous, the most famous, uh, like ventriloquist dummy, um, I think his name was Ed Edgar Bergen, uh, um, what's her name's dad? Uh, Candace Berg's dad.

Yeah. Um, he was the

Nichole: most

Daniel: famous. He was the most famous ventriloquist.

Nichole: Okay. And,

Daniel: and Charlie McCarthy was his ventriloquist. W he was even more famous. And they got famous doing ventriloquism on radio shows.

Nichole: What You are that character from that. I think you should leave Sketch. He's playing the obscured charades, Coolie Comedy Hour.

Come on.

Laurel (2): So that is mind boggling. That she's a nepo baby.

Daniel: Yeah. Oh, thats what I'm caught up on. Her childhood was fucking insane. Her father treated, uh, Charlie McCarthy, the ventriloquist dummy as though he was a brother to her. He, Charlie McCarthy had his own room and would like go on vacations with them and we'd like sit at the table and he would just jokingly always refer to your brother,

Nichole: I hate this.

Is this what you're planning on doing with this fucking vent? Vent? I can't even say it. Ventriloquist dummy, what's its

Laurel (2): name So we can refer to it appropriately.

Daniel: So for those of you at home,

um, Daniel has a ventriloquist doll on his lap right now that he just, uh, produced out of the corner of the studio just in case Dibert didn't show up. He just, yeah. So this is a premeditated joke planted in the studio.

Daniel: Premeditated assault. So, um, we did a photo shoot a while ago and you know, part of its theme was old fashioned variety show with like a David Lynch twist.

And I was like, oh, I gotta get a ventriloquist dummy. And so I ordered one off of eBay. I. Of course I actually had a ventriloquist dummy when I was a kid. Got it. At Callan's novelties. Go back and listen to that crusty old magic shot between your legs episode for a over detailed description. Um, so I order ventriloquist, dummy, and, uh, now following in the footsteps of Edgar Bergen, I would like to, uh, present the Daniel and Peter.

Show

Peter.

Daniel: Oh my god, his name is Peter. No.

Laurel (2): Okay.

Daniel: What's so funny about that?

Laurel (2): Okay, it's 'cause it's also what you call your penis, which is weird.

Daniel: It's like a wood joke.

Nichole: Peter is also what people call wood. No, the ventriloquist. Gummy is made of wood. Oh, a penis is also wood. Wood. Morning wood.

Daniel: Traditional professional grade ventriloquist dummies were made of wood.

This,

Laurel (2): now I know it to get you for your birthday.

Daniel: A penis.

Laurel (2): Yes.

Nichole: All right. Well, hi Peter.

Daniel: Hi, Nicole. It's a pleasure to meet you.

Nichole: You're actually moving the ventriloquist dummy. He's just excited, but it's,

and so he wiggles when he talks, so he's talking about himself in the third.

Wow. Okay. Don't make me come over there and bite you.

Bite me, me or

fight me.

Bite you with my tiny little wooden mouth.

Laurel (2): Like the way it's positioned is unclear if you're controlling it with your hand or your Peter Yeah, you

have him like

Nichole: almost underneath the table. We can't actually really see him

Daniel: have some sympathy for Daniel. He's a little out of practice with the ventriloquism technique.

Okay. You're, you're right. You're right Peter.

When he bought his ventriloquist dummy, lemme tell you an embarrassing story about Daniel.

Nichole: Okay.

Alright.

Nichole: All right. Uhhuh.

Daniel: When he bought his ventriloquist dummy at Callan's Novelties, the only one that was really affordable was the, was the black ventriloquist dummy?

Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. And so it was like really kind of problematic.

Daniel: There was, it was, it was a little bit like, uh, the jazz singer, you know?

Yep. Jewish performer,

black

Daniel: ventriloquist, dummy. Eventually he started neglecting the dummy, wait, put it, put it in a chest in the corner.

Mm-hmm.

And we don't even know what happened to him.

Nichole: Okay. So this is also your job from Eissa Development.

Oh, my.

Daniel: So if you ever schedule yourself as a guest on our show, make sure you show up. Otherwise, you get

me Peter, the surly penis doll.

No penis doll, and oh, oh boy.

Let's check our email.

Daniel: Peter's going under the table now.

Nichole: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Sud Hot Goss Laurel,

Laurel (2): do I have any good hot goss? Um,

I don't know. All of my hot goss is about work right now. Mm-hmm. Um, I haven't been on Reddit in a minute, so

I don't have some insane statement to judge, but now I'm gonna pull it up. Yeah. Let's judge Reddit. Let's judge Reddit. Did you get a, did we get an email? Or are you just typing into the ether?

Daniel: Um, I typed again and said, did we miscalculate the time? DD

Laurel (2): uh, God, there's so much weird shit on the internet.

Nichole: What's the hottest thing on polyamory Reddit right now? Hottest post.

Oh yeah. How do I search by

hot? Show me what's hot. Did that do anything?

Daniel: Well, we could try and do, uh, do our outro now

Nichole: wait a second.

Daniel: And pretend that he, what,

Nichole: what

Laurel (2): date did you give him?

Daniel: I didn't schedule it. Laurel scheduled it.

Laurel (2): I I was like, my Friday afternoon. Your Saturday morning. Okay. Alright. Yeah. Don't

Nichole: I, I, that's why I was

Laurel (2): looking at Daniel. Yeah. No, because

Daniel: I'm, I'm the one who usually fucks things up.

Laurel (2): Yeah. No, I'm, I'm familiar with scheduling things with people in different countries.

Daniel: This is the last time that we let Peter schedule something.

Laurel (2): He always thinking with is Dick shut up.

I don't know. Maybe he got cold feet.

Cool story though. I've, I've started deprogramming myself from just like mindlessly clicking Instagram when I open my phone. Ooh. And now instead I mindlessly open solitaire. Okay. Wow. Which gives me pause for a minute. 'cause I'm like, what am I doing here? Like, Instagram, you just start scrolling. I open solitaire and I'm like, I didn't wanna play this.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Like,

Daniel: am is, is this some kind of a, um, severance thing?

Laurel (2): Yeah.

Daniel: Where I'm sorting the cards. What, what am I actually feeding on the other side of this algorithm when I'm playing solitary? You're not feeding Zuck at least, but

Laurel (2): I'm not feeding Zuck. Oh. There's a new episode that I haven't watched.

Oh. Did you guys watch it? Yeah, we did. I'm excited. Excuse me.

Nichole: You wanna check the

zoom? It's just been this whole time and we've had it muted.

Um, anything on polyamory, Reddit?

Oh, the hottest thing

Laurel (2): was, um,

if you know you have issues with X, Y, or Z date, people who already do X, Y, or Z successfully,

what?

Laurel (2): Explain if

you have issues asserting yourself. Date people who are assertive and make space for you to speak up if you know you have issues. Setting boundaries. Date people who set boundaries themselves and expect it from you too. If you know you have a problem saying no date, people who say yes and no when they want to, and who welcome you to say genuine yeses and nos too, et cetera.

Okay.

Okay. Wait, the first comment is just, yeah, that's a hard pass.

Daniel: That was wonderful. I always love talking to people. Through our, my own pollitos.

It's really hard to record the closer before you've experienced the thing. 'cause you're like, did it happen? I

Laurel (2): don't know.

Daniel: Maybe it was not wonderful. Maybe it just totally sucked. We don't know.

Laurel (2): Maybe we got catfished and there was just a catfish on the other end of the line.

Daniel: It seems like a, a really pointless catfishing scheme.

It would

be.

Daniel: Let's make some podcasts. Wait and improvise a ventriloquist dummy bit.

Let's make them just dick around and have fun together.

Nichole: So do you wanna do a unicorn hunter hunters while we wait?

Daniel: Well, the unicorn hunter hunters for today is from Melbourne. I went on field Melbourne and started searching for the most unicorn, huntery hunter profiles that we could have. Yeah. So

Nichole: yeah.

Daniel: Let's do a unicorn. Hunter. Hunters.

Nichole: Yeah. Yes. All right.

Daniel: This episode is gonna take so much fucking editing.

Laurel (2): Boogie booga Boo. You guys think I can make a living as a stripper?

Nichole: Yes. You've been taking pole dancing lessons.

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: That's half of it. The other half is the actual taking your clothes off. Yeah. Which I've also done that before. Oh, there you go. I mean, yeah, I know that you take your clothes off like every day to like,

Laurel (2): I try to sometimes.

Not successfully

Daniel: never nude.

Laurel (2): But have you done it while dancing? Um, no. There's been like a few classes where it was like, yeah, basically teaching you how to take your clothes off while dancing. Um, which is cool, but it seems like pretty easy, especially if you're already dressed for it, like mm-hmm. Like, you know, I've gone to the clubs and it's like, if you're wearing little enough mm-hmm.

Already and it's very like, pull assignable. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Laurel (2): Droppable. Um, oh yeah. Then it's, yeah. I've seen showgirl.

Nichole: I've seen

Laurel (2): Dancing at the Blue Iguana. I've seen strip tease. Have you seen a Nora yet? I just watched Ara. I've seen a Nora. Yeah. I haven't

Daniel: seen a Nora.

Laurel (2): I watched it last night. That's good.

That's good. Yeah.

Daniel: Yeah. Well, now I have no one to watch it with.

Laurel (2): Yeah. I'll never watch it again.

Daniel: So. Unicorn Hunter Hunters is the segment where we look at couples looking for thirds or thirds and fourths. Um, and we Yeah, me too, me too. Um,

Laurel (2): and we rate them in three categories. The first one being self-aggrandizement, the second one being arbitrary rules.

Yeah. There we go. Arbitrary rules. And

Laurel: the third one, would we unicorn for them?

Daniel: And you know, this may be, uh, you know, beside the point because are we going to travel to Melbourne to unicorn for this couple?

Laurel: Maybe. Let's hear it.

Daniel: We had hoped to, uh, go over this unicorn hunter, hunter profile with our Melbourne guest who is MIA

Laurel (2): Melbourne in action.

I have a pixie stick.

Nichole: What color would you like? Looks like there's a lot of orange. So I'll take an orange. I ate all of those on. Oh, just kidding.

Daniel: Here we go. Ready? All right, you gonna buckle your safety belts firstly. Thanks for checking out our profiles.

Laurel (2): Oh, you're welcome. Pleasure to be here.

Daniel: Me ellipsis, exclamation point. Oh me. I don't know how to read this. Yeah, me.

I'm just making an intense expression. Yeah. Several seconds later. Tall. 193 centimeters. Isn't that like just the what isn't they, they use the, the, uh, the metric scale Uhhuh. Yeah. The menstrual. The menstrual menstrual scales scale. Yeah. But isn't that just the height of like a, a Star Wars figure? It sounds small when you say it in centimeters.

Everything sounds, doesn matter, matter. Everything sounds small and

centimeters

Daniel: genuinely upbeat and positive. Animal lover, well traveled, love the ocean and mountains.

We've got two sailboat emojis, a skiing emoji, a different skiing emoji, and some, uh, paw prints.

Laurel (2): You've never looked older than when you're trying to discern emojis.

Daniel: That's why they're gonna retire me at work. 'cause I can no longer, you can't

speak the language of the youths.

Daniel: I know. That's all media will soon be. Emojis and AI memes of Trump.

Oh my God. There's some weird shit out there.

Daniel: I know, I know. Um, I am attracted to slim well put together people, sorry, but no plus sizes on the menu for me.

So this is a profile from the man's voice. And so this is our first real contact in the wild with a no fatties rule. Wow.

Nichole: All right. Okay.

Daniel: I didn't know that it really existed anymore.

Nichole: Yeah, me neither.

Daniel: In all my years of internet dating, I don't think I've ever seen somebody give like a, a weight limit. Like they'll say fit, but like no plus sizes.

I have never actually heard that.

Nichole: But didn't we decide that Australia was 40 years behind us earlier this episode? So. Still, still in the seventies. That makes sense. Yeah.

Daniel: Is Don Draper speaking to us? Yeah. Scarlet. I believe that must be his partner. Mm-hmm. Very attractive, intelligent, independent, and intriguing professional who can bust out a mean dance move.

There was an exclamation point there, so lemme try that again. Intelligent, independent, and intriguing professional who can bust out a mean dance move.

Laurel (2): Wait, was it in all caps?

Daniel: No, I'm just trying to take exclamation points at face value. I know it's not popular in this day and age.

Laurel (2): No, no, no. I'm not complaining, but

Daniel: I'm an old man who can't decipher emojis us really long.

Ellipses us. Really long ellipses.

Laurel (2): I don't think ellipses think means what people think it means. Maybe it means something different in Australian. Oh yeah.

Daniel: I keep saying ellipses. I should say ellipsis. 'cause it's just one ellipsis. Except this might be multiple. 'cause it's like seven dots. I dunno.

Laurel (2): So that's like two and a third ellipses.

Mm-hmm.

Daniel: Currently on Panang till November 23rd. So I think they're in Thailand. Panang.

Mm-hmm. Oh, okay.

Daniel: Mm-hmm. I dunno. Together for 15 years. Easygoing, well traveled. We are comfortable both in the outdoors and concrete jungle exclamation point.

We love the usual ocean. We love the usual the ocean. Good food, travel, drinks, and the occasional rave

Laurel: you. Yeah.

Daniel: I'm not sure whether to read usual as part of that list. Oh yeah. No. We would like the usual and the ocean and good food.

Laurel (2): Oh. Oh. Or if it's like we like the usual things. Mm-hmm. You know, like the ocean.

Those things are pretty usual.

Daniel: They are usual. You can find us joining friends at boutique poof dos from time to time. Excuse me. Excuse

me.

Daniel: I really wanted our Melbourne guest to be able to decipher poof dos for us.

What the fuck? A poof. Doof. How's it wait, I'm sorry. Say the sentence again.

Wait, can you contextualize that again?

Daniel: You can find us joining friends at Boutique poof Doof from time to time boutique. It's a where the, the a poof. A boutique Poof. Doof is where the, the, the poofs are porcelain. The doof are lace.

How is it spelled?

Daniel: Exactly how it sounds? P-O-O-F-D-O-O-F.

Nichole: Poof. Dos.

All right. Well, I wanna Google it, but I also kind of want it to be a mystery. Yeah. I

Daniel: seeking fund dates. FFM, MFMF. There are no seeking fund dates. F-F-M-M-F-M-F. While not seeking single guys, we have considered MMF for the right person who fits our criteria and high standards, well-spoken, good looking and genuine guys only we will reach out if we decide on this path.

So please, no single guys.

Okay.

Daniel: So they're like, we're open to it, but don't reach out to us. We'll reach out to you.

Laurel (2): Don't, don't call us, we'll call you. But do they know how this app works? I think it's like, it's okay if you match with us, but don't message us if you match with, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Daniel: Happy to make new friends along the way.

Really.

Nichole: No, they're not. Yeah. Yeah.

Daniel: Um, yeah. Let's go and like, just have a, a montage at the, at the local fair and split a milk milkshake. Go on the Ferris wheel. Let's

Laurel (2): go have a montage at the poof doof.

What

I'm try to, I wanna think of like an American equivalent. Like what is something that like taken out of context you would not know what the fuck we were talking about.

Daniel: What, what is the, um, a sock hop?

Nichole: Yes. Yes. Yeah.

Laurel (2): You can

Nichole: find us at the boutique sock hop, but when was the last time anybody had a fucking sock hop? Yeah.

Daniel: I don't know. You talked to the guy with a ventry was dumping under the table.

You should know. That's exactly why we're asking you.

Daniel: Speaking to me is like speaking through the wormhole in that Voyager episode.

We are quite relaxed. Okay. And, um, continuing. We are quite relaxed and easy on the eye. Happy in our long-term relationship. Well traveled professionals who take our fun seriously.

Laurel (2): Um, they mention they're well traveled more than once.

Daniel: Yes.

Nichole: Through language and emojis. Mm. Yeah. I believe. Do we get to see photos?

Daniel: They also mentioned that they're professional more than once too. These guys are, are polished, clean,

Laurel (2): or?

Daniel: Sure.

Laurel (2): I'm a professional swinger.

Daniel: All right. Yes. We get to see photos and you guys are in for it.

Um, how would you describe, so we're gonna start here with a picture of both of them.

Mm-hmm.

Daniel: In a car, it's a seatbelt selfie. A double seatbelt selfie.

Laurel (2): Is that a thing? And am I supposed to know what you mean when you say a seatbelt? Selfie? Yeah. I don't know what that means.

Daniel: Oh, it's when somebody takes a selfie of them in their car and they've got the seatbelt on and everything.

Laurel (2): Oh, oh

Daniel: yeah.

Laurel (2): That's a thing.

Daniel: That's a thing. Why is that a thing? It's kind of like the bathroom selfie when people put their foot up on the sink. It's like one of the classic archetypical selfies when people put

Laurel (2): their foot on the bathroom sink.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel (2): Are we looking at two different internets?

Wait, what internet are you guys on?

Daniel: Okay. It was a thing, it was a thing that like, like, uh, millennial women were doing for a while, like seven years ago. Like there was a whole stream of, of selfies where they would take selfies of themselves with their foot on the sink,

Nichole: with our foot on the sink in the mirror,

Daniel: in the bathroom mirror.

They would take a selfie in the bathroom mirror and one leg would be up and the foot is on the fucking counter.

Why?

Laurel (2): I don't like Was it a joke or was it like a I look better like this?

Daniel: Probably it started as an I look better like this, and then it became a visual meme where people are doing it just because they've seen other people do it.

Laurel (2): Is it like women eating salad and laughing alone?

Nichole: I mean, I know of bathroom selfies. Like that was the thing when we were growing up with MySpace. Yeah, totally. Yeah. Like your digital camera and it would like flash in the mirror. Yeah, but the foot on the sink thing I have, and also that was 20 years ago. Not necessarily like seven years ago. Yeah. Okay.

See belt self guys. Okay. Seat belt selfies, guys.

Daniel: I'm, I'm not hallucinating it. I intensely hope.

Laurel (2): Yeah. I've had like eight pixie sticks, so there's no trust in me.

Daniel: I can't believe

this episode.

Daniel: I don't know whether it's salvageable or not, but we will see. We'll find

out. Yeah.

Daniel: Um, so first picture, seatbelt, selfie, double seatbelt. Selfie. Please describe to me the, the man's expression.

Nichole: You know, that grimace emoji? Yeah, I

was just gonna say that grimace emoji,

Nichole: the one I use all the time, because it's the face I make all the time.

Ooh, ooh.

Daniel: It looks like he's, like, he's got a caper between his front teeth. Like he's just, he's just biting down on a small seed or nut and just showing us his, his teeth. It's not smiling. It's like, it's like somebody described what a open mouth smile was to an alien and he's just trying, it's ape It's,

Laurel (2): it's like when you're getting an x-ray at the dentist and they, they make you bite down on that thing.

Yeah, and it hurts.

Nichole: It's that Lady Gaga song. Show me your teeth. Oh yeah.

Daniel: It's a little also like the, um, cheese, please. Um, what are their names? Wallace I

in Grommets? Yeah. It's a bit of a Wallace and grommet. Oh yeah. Face the moon is made of cheese. Grommets.

Daniel: I'm glad we got. At least one accent in done. This episode, she's just kind of snaking her head over, giving a little peek.

Yeah,

Daniel: she's, she's, uh, she's like, no. Am I supposed to be in this picture? Uh, can I, can I join you? Okay. And Nicole, this one's for you.

Nichole: Oh, he is on a boat. He's on a boat. On a boat. Boat. He's on a boat. On

Daniel: a boat. Boat. He's on a boat. Let

Nichole: me see it.

Daniel: He's on a boat now. He's on a boat.

Nichole: We found on a boat.

Daniel: He's on a boat.

We found one

Daniel: boat on a boat. On a boat. Boat. Now he's on a boat, on boat, on a

boat. We found one on a boat.

Daniel: He's behind the wheel

of the boat.

Daniel: He's looking at a sunset

on a boat.

Daniel: He's smiling with the same face

on a boat.

Daniel: He's looking really creepy

on a boat. He's on a boat. He's

Daniel: on a boat. All these pictures have sunglasses.

Oh. Oh,

Nichole: okay. That's a song you don't have to write because we just did it. It's already written. Yeah, but I

Daniel: gotta put the music behind it, you guys. It's even harder.

Nichole: Oh, so sorry. Oh, I gotta do a

Daniel: fun, creative thing. Oh,

Laurel (2): next picture. That's the same picture.

Daniel: All right. You ready for this one?

Mm-hmm.

Daniel: It's another boat.

He's also on a boat. Boat. He's on on a boat. Another boat still another still on a boat.

Daniel: He's still on a boat. Oh, it a

different It is a different boat. It's a different boat. Wow. He's

Daniel: a two boat Charlie.

Ah.

This is the

best episode yet. I don't know why you're worried about it. Two about Charlie. Any relation to cream pie? Charlie? I mean, look at this guy. Of course.

Laurel (2): Oh my God. Dude, I think the steering wheel on this boat is bigger than the steering wheel on the last boat. Yeah. He's showing off his big steering wheel. It doesn't

wait. Is each picture, each kid send, get a picture is just him with a bigger steering wheel. Yeah.

Nichole: You start with the car. Yeah.

Oh my God. It's true.

Nichole: It's true.

Daniel: The next one is, it's just, it's a Just coming out of his fly.

A steering wheel.

Daniel: Yeah, and he is like, it's driving me nuts.

Oh God. Oh God.

What is the actual next picture?

Daniel: All right, next picture.

For a minute. I was like, are they underwater?

Nichole: No, they're, they're standing in front of a Porsche Logo. Logo.

Daniel: Now he may not actually have a Porsche. He may not actually have a Porsche, but he has,

Laurel (2): but he has a wall with a Porsche. But he was there where they

Nichole: have them.

Laurel (2): Yeah.

Daniel: And they're posing like, they're so proud to be at the Porsche Festival.

Nichole: Oh my God. Are they, and they're wearing like business casual. Yeah. Is this, is this the same? Oh, they're professionals. They

Daniel: are. They're, oh, that's

Nichole: right. Oh my God. I forgot. They're professionals. They're, how could I forget? They're

Daniel: well traveled, well traveled professional professionals.

Is this, is this the same as a step and repeat? Well,

Laurel (2): no.

Daniel: Okay.

Laurel (2): But, but it looks like a similar sentiment. Yeah.

Daniel: Yeah. Um, logo, giant

Laurel (2): logo wall logo

Daniel: on a wall behind them. Yeah. Yeah. They're just beaming.

Laurel (2): There's Couldn't be happier to be here.

Daniel: Alright, here's another one for Nicole.

Nichole: He's in another part of the boat. It looks like the bottom of a boat. The boat, the place where you sleep on the boat. And he is still wearing sunglasses inside.

Daniel: He's still wearing sunglasses inside. Maybe he doesn't have eyes.

Nichole: Okay, so, so, okay, so, okay. Just two

Daniel: sockets, two open sockets.

No,

Nichole: no, no. That is exactly what I was thinking. 'cause I always think about this with people who don't show their teeth in their profile photos. I'm like, oh, their teeth are fucked up. And I was like, he doesn't have eyes. That's why, that's why he's wearing sunglasses

Daniel: and he's always showing his teeth. 'cause he's got great teeth.

No eyes.

Laurel (2): Yeah. He is like, let's show off my best asset. But like, ignore, ignore, don't look at the, the gaping voids. Behind the sunglasses. Uh, I ignore the gaping void. Be behind the sunglasses. Hey, I told you not to come back here.

Nichole: Alright, next photo.

Daniel: I first I want us to look in the background of this,

Nichole: of this. It's another guy manning his boat.

Daniel: Yeah. You look through the like little port holy kinda window into I guess the deck of the boat. And there's just another guy at another wheel piloting this boat. It's getting meta. Like he's like beyond the actual, is that him?

Is that him again? Outside piloting the boat. That he is, oh my God. Posing in front of, oh

Laurel (2): my God. Also, I mean, while there was no actual steering wheel in the last photo, the Porsche logo implies a steering wheel in the future.

Nichole: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. What does it mean? So many steering wheels. So many steering wheels,

Daniel: and the last one, and I believe the only one in which he is not wearing sunglasses, but his eyes are closed,

kissing his lady in a leopard fur coat. I mean, I kind of want her coat,

Nichole: I'm not gonna lie. Yeah,

Daniel: yeah. But you have to take the guy, if you take the coat. Oh, the guy comes with the coat.

Nichole: I just had, I,

what if we. Make total fun of this fucking profile. And what if this is deeper?

Daniel: And because he's displaced in time. 'cause he has actually, oh God, in the future maybe and not the past. He has already heard this episode and he is incredibly offended. Oh. That we have been making fun of his profile and that's why he didn't show up.

Laurel (2): Oh, it all makes sense now. I'm sorry, Bert, but come on, you know how we feel about boats

Daniel: and it's time you like faced how this looks. Open your eyes

Laurel (2): if you have them.

Daniel: Yeah. Open your eyes if you got any, if you even have any

Laurel (2): eyes. All right. Well,

Daniel: so there is a, um,

Laurel (2): some, someone somewhere who doesn't have eyes is writing us a very angry letter right now. Mm-hmm.

Daniel: So there is a kind of a post script

Laurel (2): Oh.

Oh,

Daniel: in that, like yours or theirs? Theirs in that, I didn't notice this until I scrolled all the way to the bottom of their profile, but they skip like 20 lines. It's just like 20 lines of blank white page. Mm-hmm. And then. New to the field world. Globe emoji. Yeah. No shit.

Nichole: No shit, dude. What?

Daniel: Um, here's the, here here.

New to the field world. New to the field world. Unless this is just a, um, like an asterisk footnote that field put on there. Yeah. What themselves? Just, uh, these people are new. They're, don't

Nichole: worry about them. Forgive them, please. I would love it if Field did that

and they All right.

They just put it so far down the profile that people don't notice that they've been tagged by field.

Daniel: Okay. Alright. We, we always need a little bit of like, uh, rock and sock and robot arms. Shake it off after a unicorn. Hunter. Hunter. We didn't even rate them. I know. I just need to Oh, we need to, I need to gather myself.

Okay. Yeah. This is one of the, it's been a while since we had a really, um, uncomfortable unicorn hunter hunters. So speak

Laurel (2): for yourself.

Daniel: Well, you didn't bring them to us. Kept them all to yourself.

Laurel (2): No, I'm saying I'm not uncomfortable right now. Oh. Oh. I'm so like at home with these people.

Nichole: Incredible. No, we know what your answer's gonna be for Woody unicorn.

Get me in that Porsche. Daddy. Get me on that boat.

Daniel: I'm so wet. I, because I'm on a boat.

Nichole: You don't get to say it, Daniel.

Daniel: I'm, I, I peed myself just as a different meaning with me so, so aroused that I have peed myself on the deck of the boat. Huh?

Laurel (2): Okay. Okay. That's a whole new thing I need to process.

Nichole: All right. Self-aggrandizement.

Laurel (2): I mean like several boat pictures. Several boat pictures. Several boat pictures. Professional.

Professional.

Daniel: Very attractive.

Laurel (2): Well traveled,

Nichole: well traveled. May or may not drive a Porsche, but at least was in proximity of other Porsche. I've been near a Porsche. I don't know. I've near you don't brag, but like, I've been near a Porsche. Yeah.

Laurel (2): I like took a photo in front of the Porsche wall. Have you guys even seen the Porsche wall?

Daniel: What? Whatever people are this self aggrandizing. Um, but they don't mention their dick size. I'm like, surprised. Oh, it's 190

Laurel (2): centimeters.

Nichole: That's Oh, that's his dick. That's not his height. Got it. Okay. I think that's like, I think that's six feet long.

He's just gotta roll up and flop it out.

Daniel: He's like way bigger than, it's way bigger than Peter. I mean, the doll.

Nichole: Yeah. That's why he needs a boat because he needs like all that space of the ocean. Just don't let his dick unfurl. Yes.

Daniel: He rides on his dick. It's like, it floats on the water.

Nichole: He's like a, that's how he fishes anyways.

Okay.

Daniel: Um, I'm gonna give them a, I'm gonna give him an eight for self-aggrandizement.

Nichole: Um, I'm gonna give them a nine because he doesn't mention his dick size, but the boat is really far fucking up there.

Daniel: Yeah. So you would give him a 10 if he mentioned his dick size?

Nichole: I, I think what

if it was small? What if he mentioned it, but it was small size

Daniel: queens.

And by size, I mean into tiny, tiny MicroPen eye.

Nichole: Okay. What I, what is preventing me from giving him a 10? Um, maybe I'll just give him a 10. Wow. Yeah. Come a bone because it's like mostly boat photos. Also luxury car adjacent. Yeah. Um, also her, you know, I mean, it's probably a fake leopard print coat, assuming it's fake.

Um, but yeah. I don't know.

Laurel (2): 10, 10, ding, ding,

ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Laurel (2): I'll give him a, I'll give him a, I'll give him a nine. Yeah. Because I feel like, I don't know, some people talk more at length about how attractive they are. Yeah. Or like mm-hmm. How cool they are and their lifestyle is. And he just decided to show it by all the boat pictures.

Nichole: I just don't think I'm going to get another profile that is this boat heavy? Yeah, no, I think And it's my own personal.

Laurel (2): Yeah.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel (2): I agree. I think that's, I think you made the right choice for you. Get your boat for sure. Get your boat

Daniel: jollys out while you can.

Laurel (2): Yeah. I think if there are one picture with an even bigger steering wheel, I would've been all in.

Alright. Arbitrary rules. Um, no, fatties is kind of a big deal.

Daniel: Yeah. I think I'm gonna give him a nine on arbitrary rules, even though there weren't that many, but no, fatties is such a fucking, uh, extremely shitty flex.

Laurel (2): Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

Daniel: Um, yeah.

Laurel (2): And the uh, and the whole weird Don't, I'll have my people call your people if you're a man.

Nichole: Yeah. Like no single dudes. Yeah. Unless we decide that In which case you're no case single dude. Yeah. But still Don't talk to us. But don't talk

Laurel (2): to us.

Daniel: It's like, come here. No. Not that close. No. Uh uh. Okay. Go away. Come, come.

Laurel (2): Hold me. Don't touch me.

Nichole: Look at me. Don't

Laurel (2): look at

Nichole: me. Mm-hmm. Look at me. Don't look at me.

Uh, yeah. Uh,

Laurel (2): fuck you. What? And Daniel's just making eyes at me like, that's how you are. Laurel.

Nichole: I was doing Naomi Watts from, I heard Huckabees because I very much identify with that scene when she's shooting the commercial. And she's like, look at me, look at me. Don't look at me. Don't look at me. I'm like, yeah, I feel that all the time. Look at me. Look at me.

Laurel (2): Don't fucking look at me. Stop it. I was referencing Vincent Gallo in Buffalo 66.

Daniel: I would totally unicorn for Naomi Watts and leave Schreiber. Yeah, me too. If they, if they ever invited me, let's

Laurel (2): make a profile for them. Let's make

Nichole: a unicorn

under

Nichole: profile for that, and then we'll connect ourselves to it and be like, yes, that's, that, that is a level of sad that I don't ever want to reach, which is constructing my own life on the internet and like the fantasy realm of like connecting myself to, I was watching a documentary about this guy who's like a total fucking murderer, but he also like.

He constructed his life on the internet to make it look like he was a model and like that there were a ton of, like, fan, um, is that

Daniel: I think that he, I think that we were an hour out of Darrell has entered, excuse me, Bert has entered the waiting room.

Nichole: Okay. But I have to go, like, I can't We'll, we'll get it, we'll do it fast.

Okay. What time do you have to go? I mean, I have to get dressed. I have to eat. I have to leave at five.

Daniel: Oh, shit. Let's, we'll, we'll, uh, okay. We'll

Nichole: do it fast. All right. Go, go. Chop, chop,

chop, chop, chop.

Dibert, dibert, dibert,

Daniel: dibert. Oh.

Laurel: Hi. Hi.

Daniel: Let me see everybody. All right. Everybody do a little lean in.

Wait, do we, I we exist. Hi,

how are you today?

D-Bert: She's gonna say,

yeah, I, I won't stay. And I'll also take the German chedder out as well. Nice.

Daniel: Thank you so much for coming on. I think that there was a time misunderstanding, um, because yeah,

D-Bert: you guys had a daylight saving change or something because Yeah.

Daniel: Yeah. We had the daylight savings change and so we, I thought

D-Bert: we took into account, but

Daniel: let me check your level too.

Yeah, put it up louder.

D-Bert: I'm on my laptop just because Yeah, no, all good. Put my,

Daniel: you just cut out for a minute.

Laurel (2): He's connecting his headphones. Oh yeah. Well, can you turn our headphone volume up?

Nichole: We still can't hear you.

Daniel: Cannot hear you. Nope.

Laurel (2): Still can't hear you if you're talking to us. I can't tell.

Daniel: I think he's looking at his settings.

Laurel (2): Oh, makes sense. Oh, there's a chat. Will you open the chat?

Oh, now he can't hear us.

Daniel: We can't hear you either.

That there, there we go. Yeah, we go. You hear us?

D-Bert: I was trying to, I use my AirPods and it was sort of be better, but apparently Zoom doesn't like switching inputs.

Laurel (2): Oh no. Yeah, I've been, there can be a pain in the butt. How's the volume level?

Daniel: Um, great. Yeah, sounds good. Yeah, let me look at the, uh, say a little something and I'll see how the lines go.

D-Bert: Yep. So just testing from two four.

Daniel: Perfect. I would've said a little

something nice.

Daniel: That's their pet name for me. Little something. Little

D-Bert: Daniel, where am I? Misremembering?

Daniel: Yeah. Yeah. Um, well there's Daniel and there's Peter. No, no. Little Daniels.

So, so we, we, we were here. Um, so we've had an amazing episode that we kind of recorded. Waiting for you because we thought that you were gonna jump on it for an hour, an hour ago. And so yeah, it was turned into this waiting for gau kind of thing. Um, where we ended up doing, uh, our unicorn hunter hunters segment.

We had Oh yeah. We picked out one from Melbourne specifically. 'cause you were coming on. Uh, so we ended up, we kind of did that, um, with oh, and we did a ventriloquist dummy

Nichole: routine. You don't have to tell him about the ventriloquist.

Daniel: Yeah, he wants to see the ventriloquist d doesn't hear it. Anyway.

Laurel (2): You, you can show Darrell if you really want, but

Daniel: I'll save that for the end.

Nichole: Alright, so Hello Bert.

Daniel: Oh yeah, we, we will, if we mess up and say your, your name, we will censor it out at the, uh, at the end.

D-Bert: That's alright. I, I did have a thought. I dunno if you guys would interest. I was think when you, when I first come on, if you wanna do the, um, you know how they anonymize voices for like crime shows and stuff, if you wanna put that on me,

amazing.

D-Bert: I could like, introduce myself and just cough and then switch the normal voice and go, oh, that's better. I've cleared my throat.

I love this. I love this.

Daniel: But now, now that you've described, uh, the joke, I think that it's just better as a meta. I can imagine. Yeah. Yeah.

Nichole: All right. I have about 25 minutes. All right.

All we have lots of fun. Thank you. Bye bye.

D-Bert: Alright. I wore my special top for you guys too.

Nichole: Love it. Love it, love it. Yes. Dibert is wearing a shirt that is a Star Trek reference.

Daniel: So like almost all of our, my own Poly Idaho, um, participants so far, uh, Dibert found us through. Our, our priority one message on greatest Jen. Yeah. Shout out to greatest Jen.

Laurel (2): Yeah. All of our favorite people come from the, the Trekky sphere. It turns out.

Daniel: So it sounds like you jumped on and started listening right away. Um, uh,

D-Bert: did.

Daniel: Mm-hmm. And you're still here.

D-Bert: I'm

Daniel: Wow.

Laurel (2): By the grace of God somehow.

What do you

Daniel: like about us?

You don't have to that don't have answer that.

D-Bert: You guys are fun. I love listening. Like you guys, I think there's more laughter than speech in a theory episode, which is fun. This is true. Um, you guys work really well together, like it's great. Oh, thank, and I actually learned.

Laurel (2): Thank you.

Thank you. That's very nice. Appreciate it. Do you wanna do like, I don't know, do you wanna introduce yourself as. In depth or as little as you wanna introduce yourself, and then we'll ask you our, our questions. Yeah, I can, I

D-Bert: can give a, give the, the two, two sentence overview. So, um, I'm currently an ambulance attendant in Melbourne, so the closest to what you guys would have would be an EMT basic.

Mm. Um, I'm also a trainer or instructor doing that and have been for about four years and I've currently gone back to school to become a paramedic. Wow. So that's my professional. This is maybe the first time in terms of relationships. Yeah. I was, in terms of relationships, been married for 23 years. This year.

Was engaged for three years before that. So it's 26 years this year. Yeah. And we've been non for 15, I think it's 15 or 16 of that so far. Wow. Um, I've, I've had, I'm on my second partner, it's my best friend that we have a, a relationship with, and we've been together now 12 as a proper couple. And my wife has been, she's had a few, but the current one's about six year, five or six years I think.

Nichole: Oh my gosh. Um,

D-Bert: he's from Perth. He's literally got on a plane to go back to Perth yesterday. Aw. So he's been over for a couple weeks. Wow. Yeah, that's me.

Nichole: So there's a lot of long-term non-monogamy. Yeah, your little poly

Daniel: You can't extrapolate for all of Australia though.

D-Bert: No, I definitely can't. I mean, I've only been in Melbourne for 11 years, so, um, even I'm, I still feel like I'm new here.

Mm-hmm.

Daniel: Do you practice, uh, kitchen table poly or parallel? Poly? Um, are you in a

D-Bert: Yeah. Sort of a mixture? When we first started out, um, so my wife was with my partner's husband and we were like four of us. Um, so that was definitely kitchen table. Um, they've since broken up, not the greatest, um, they don't talk to each other anymore.

Oh, no. Which has made things a bit more difficult, but yeah. We still, we visit each other every, every week and have a night bad date nights and do all that, so.

Daniel: Wow. That's such an interesting struggle. Me and, uh, Nicole were also both seeing like, uh, members of another couple for a while. Mm-hmm. Like, she was dating the guy and I was dating the gal and mm-hmm.

Um, then one of them was super offended by something that we said on the podcast.

Yeah.

Daniel: And we were like, okay. Um, and it like uncorked, like the, uh, the incredibly long like text message, um. Which you never want to get. You never wanna, like, it came in while we were recording an, uh, an episode and I just look at my phone.

I'm like, oh, shit.

Yeah.

Daniel: And then, but we weren't able to like, like, um, keep one half of it going despite the

Nichole: Correct.

Daniel: Yes. They, they chain broke up with us. Mm. Yeah. Yeah.

Nichole: Well, I, I mean, I kind of broke up

D-Bert: with him. We've certainly had some difficult moments as well. Yeah. Um, but she's my best friend. I've known her longer than I've known my wife.

Mm-hmm. She's been my best friend for 25, 27 years at this point. So yeah, that definitely helps.

Laurel (2): Yeah, that's a really cool dynamic. Like, that's so interesting that it's someone that you've known longer than your wife. Like were best friends or still are best friends with

D-Bert: them. Oh, by March it only like a month or so, but yeah,

Laurel (2): just barely.

Daniel: So, um. I think we should start rolling out, 'cause you know, this is a little behind the scenes thing, which only sometimes trickles into the actual pod. But, um, for the last 20 to 30 minutes of any recording, Nicole is absolutely desperate to move things along quicker and to, and to, and I can see it in her eyes right now.

Nichole: And I actually do have to leave. Yeah. Nicole Shit to do. I was like, I've got, I I have to go. Somebody is relying on me for a ride, so.

Daniel: Okay. Well we were gonna have you, we were gonna have you do Bert's accent. If you have to leave, Bert will just finish the episode. Doing your accent.

D-Bert: No, not have none. Right.

Under my own accent. Let anyone else's.

Daniel: So now we're going to, uh, we might as well just start rolling out those questions.

Laurel (2): Yeah. What are they, what are those questions?

Daniel: Uh, what is unique about being poly in your city? In, in Melbourne, did I get it, Melbourne?

D-Bert: Sure. I don't really mix with a, like I'm not looking for new partners.

I'm not dating anyone else or looking at anyone, so I don't go out clubbing or whatever they, the youngins do these days. Mm-hmm. Uh, so yeah, we've, I said the group I'm in, my partners I've had, I've been, had had for a long time. So, um, we we're pretty stable.

Daniel: Mm-hmm.

D-Bert: I'm not sure I have a good answer for that one.

Daniel: Do you have a community of poly people outside of the people that you're actually dating?

Like are, uh, friends and acquaintances? Polly or,

D-Bert: my wife has a few, um, I don't really know. So her, she's more out than I am. Mm-hmm. Really? Mm-hmm. In terms of, yeah. Being public.

Daniel: So if you have any, if you have any stories of dating in Melbourne, it's going to be like time travel. It's going to be, it'll

D-Bert: be, 'cause as I said, I've been here 11 years, I've been married for 25.

So I've, I've not dated anyone here.

Daniel: So the things that you're gonna be like, you know, the things that are, you know, really unique about dating in, uh, in Melbourne is everybody's listening to Wu-Tang Clan.

Nichole: Oh God. And

Daniel: they're wearing Jenko jeans.

Nichole: Oh my god. I don't know that Jenko has ever made it to Australia.

So this

D-Bert: never heard of it.

Nichole: Fair. See?

Daniel: Um, alright, so let's then.

Laurel (2): Laurel, what are the,

Daniel: the questions you got?

Laurel (2): Um, yeah, so maybe they don't super apply 'cause it, like if there are any specific challenges to being poly in Melbourne that you've experienced

Daniel: Now see, that's one that doesn't. Yeah. What about, what is a poof doof? What is a poof doof? We were looking at in our unicorn hunter hunters segment where we were looking at a Melbourne, some Melbourne unicorn hunters.

They're like, we got to go to boutique poof doof. You'll find us at a boutique. Poof. Doof.

D-Bert: I've never heard of it. Oh my god. I quick. Google says it's not the sort of thing I'm gonna be involved in.

Not exactly my scene.

Daniel: Oh my God. Oh, is it like a sex party? What is it?

D-Bert: It says it's a gay, uh, what does it describe it as?

Laurel (2): I just like when I search

D-Bert: a queer party brand,

Laurel (2): a queer party brand.

D-Bert: That's what it's describing itself as.

Laurel (2): Yeah. There is poof doof.com. Damn. That's what

D-Bert: I'm

Daniel: looking at.

Laurel (2): Yeah.

Daniel: I had hoped that I could get that domain, but,

Laurel (2): and, and then poof, doof Melbourne Register now for the doof

D-Bert: is like a rave or like a nightclub.

Oh, because it's the, the base of the music.

Laurel (2): Oh, okay. Oh. So, okay. I get all right. I, I can get it now.

D-Bert: And Chapel Street is the, um, the night strip nightclub strip Okay. Of Melbourne.

Daniel: All right. Additionally, poof do in my journeys through hunting for Melbourne unicorn hunters This morning, um, I came off again and I, I I, I came again and again upon, wait, I could just end that sentence right there.

Yeah. Again, and again, I came upon profiles that used the word cheeky in a context that I did not understand from my, uh, American English, um, background. Like, I understand cheeky is kind of like, like a little naughty, but people are like,

D-Bert: yeah,

Daniel: I thought that they were using it like more like kinky, like we we're, we're really into cheeky things.

Like where I just could not quite wrap my head around the, does cheeky mean kinky?

D-Bert: Uh, it can, yeah, it's that naughty. Slightly outside. Mainstream a little bit. Yeah.

Laurel (2): Okay. Huh. Okay. Wow.

D-Bert: Not too far off.

Laurel (2): We're, we're learning a lot today about cheeky, poof, doof.

D-Bert: That's it. Yeah. More than we ever, this do, not do.

Daniel: We also had from our, um, photo shoot, uh, a coke mirror with pixie sticks on it to make it look like we were snorting sh you know, like powdered sugar, colored powdered sugar. And so now we've got all these pixie sticks of, like, sugar. Yeah. Have pixie sticks in, uh, in Australia,

D-Bert: uh, we have what we call sherbert sticks, which I'm assuming are similar.

Daniel: Sherbert

Laurel (2): sticks. Sherbert Wow. Sherbert sticks. The do

D-Bert: not that, that st. Stinks.

Nichole: So I guess, all right. I do wanna dig into, um, your current relationships and like, what was the conversation with, did you, so you opened up your marriage, right?

D-Bert: Yep.

Nichole: So can you tell us a little bit about, um, that journey with you and your wife?

Um, I.

D-Bert: I'm trying to think, think if I can remember it so long ago.

It was so long ago.

Daniel: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone was listening to Devo.

D-Bert: It may have been before some of your listeners were born, even like, it's a long time ago. Um, it's, it was more organic rather than a, like a specific conversation that we had. Mm-hmm. Um,

Nichole: yeah. Was was poll. 'cause it feels like right now, polyamory and, uh, ethical and consensual, non-monogamy are really having a moment in American culture.

Mm-hmm. Um, so has there ever been, like, has it been present in Australian culture at all?

Daniel: Like in media?

D-Bert: Oh, a lot of our media comes from the us. Mm-hmm. Okay. It's very heavily, very closely, uh, like all of our movies, it's all American movies and, and a lot of our TV shows are all from America. Mm-hmm. Um, so a lot of our media is the same as yours.

Um, we do have that heavily British influence as well, but mm-hmm. All the electronic media stuff is mostly the us. Um, I don't really pay that much attention. Mm-hmm. Um, as I said, 'cause we, we are not, well, I mean, I don't really see this poly as more just consensual, non-monogamous.

Nichole: Mm-hmm.

D-Bert: Um,

Nichole: what's the difference for you?

Well.

D-Bert: Like, I'm not actively looking to add extra partners. I've got my one extra partner mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Besides my wife that I mm-hmm. I'm happy with. We're stable. Um, yeah. Yeah.

Daniel: See, see, everybody thinks every, everybody thinks poly means sluts. And it's not that. It does, it does. In our case,

D-Bert: if someone came along and I, and we've started a relationship, that's one thing, but we're not, I'm not actively looking for that.

Nichole: Yeah. Yeah. That's real.

D-Bert: And if my wife wants to, like, we both got our, the one partner, um, I've said to her, like, I, I don't, it's not gonna bother me if she finds another partner as well. Mm-hmm. Um, I've said to the same, to my, my, my non marriage partner too. Like if there's someone that she finds that she wants to be with and still have a relationship with, then I'm fine with that.

Mm-hmm. Um,

what

Daniel: do you think, what do you think it is

D-Bert: maybe rather than polyamorous is how I would describe myself?

Daniel: Hmm.

Nichole: Say that again.

D-Bert: So ous rather than polyamorous. Oh,

Nichole: okay. Interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Two partners. Yeah.

Daniel: Yeah.

Nichole: What were you gonna ask, babe?

Daniel: I don't, I don't remember. Oh, okay. So I grew up, I'm, um.

I'm 47, I'm the old man of the group, and I'm only

D-Bert: two years behind you. One and a half.

Daniel: Um, you know, uh, you gotta, gotta gotta step on it. Catch up quick. Um, so in the eighties and, uh, there was, there was what I can only describe as an Aussie boom in the United States. It was mainly about the Crocodile

D-Bert: Dundee.

Daniel: Exactly. Oh my God. It was mainly about the release of Crocodile Dundee to the point where like, like I went and saw both of the Crocodile Dundee movies in the theater. I bought like books from like the Barnes and Noble, um, ordering catalog that were, where they're like, how to speak Australian and would have all the, all the, the, the slang.

Um, but they

didn't teach you poof, doof.

Daniel: They did not teach, yeah. It was all like Bill Billabong and things like that.

Laurel (2): It's just a brand from California.

Daniel: But I was wondering, as somebody who was in Australia at around the same age as me, did you have like an experience of this from the other side? Like, were you aware of there being like, uh, these kinds of, um, like.

Suddenly there being a kind of casual Aussie fetishism in the United States. And,

D-Bert: and how does it make you feel? I was too young to think of that. I'm not aware of that at all. Um, there definitely seemed quite a few movies around that time that was released that were filmed in Australia. Um, some we don't talk about.

Oh,

Daniel: how do you feel about crocodile? Indeed. Because we did a post using Paul Hogan's. That's

D-Bert: not a knife. Yeah. Um,

Daniel: we did a post with him in it, um, like when we did our first, uh, um, our, our, uh, read alert to reach out to you. Mm-hmm. And somebody like posted on, don't you fucking bring Paul Hogan into your freaky shit?

He's a national treasure.

D-Bert: Okay. Mind him, I wouldn't call him a treasure.

Laurel (2): You heard it here first folks.

Nichole: Did the person who say that I'm not

D-Bert: representative of everyone in Australia,

Nichole: did the person who said that, were they Australian?

Daniel: I don't know. I did, I did not feed the trolls.

Nichole: I'm just, I'm gonna take the Australians side. Yeah. He may be a national treasurer.

May not be. Yeah, because Steve Irwin is in there too. Yeah. Well,

D-Bert: I, I would think

Nichole: he's a national treasure.

D-Bert: He Yeah, he is. Was, yes. Should say, was still complain.

Daniel: Yeah. Who, who would you like to represent Australian?

D-Bert: Oh,

Daniel: Naomi Watts is Australian, right?

D-Bert: Yeah. Yeah. Nicole Kidman's Australian. Yeah. They're called Kidman Australian.

Nichole: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Couple Hardies, couple hardies that look similar. Yeah. Yeah. I've always gotten them.

D-Bert: Yeah. I like watch, like when we watch a TV show and you say, oh, where's that actor from? And you look it up and, oh, they're Australia. They're from Sydney. They were like, that's always cool. I can't think of anything I'd want represent us.

Maybe everyone.

Nichole: It's a small enough country. Um,

D-Bert: we we're so multicultural. Like there's, there's so many different, well, we're a big melting pot of every culture in the world, pretty much.

Mm-hmm.

D-Bert: Uh, like when I'm on doing, when I'm at work and we're going people's houses to whatever for calls, like, there'll be days where every single person I sees a different ethnicity.

Mm-hmm. Like it, it's amazing to appear for that aspect.

Laurel (2): That's very cool. That's great.

Daniel: Um, I'm looking in my, um, data now too because, um, I, uh, there's one region of Australia from which we have had no listens whatsoever.

D-Bert: Yeah.

Daniel: Region.

D-Bert: Where was that

Daniel: Province? Is it a province? What is it? A state

D-Bert: states, we call it states.

Yep.

Daniel: So the one boom, we wanna do all time.

All time.

Laurel (2): I'm on the edge of my seat. Where is it? Where is it?

D-Bert: Northern, I guess. In Northern Territory. Northern Territory

Laurel (2): does, does nobody live there?

D-Bert: The population of Northern Territory is like 800,000.

Daniel: Oh wow. Oh wow. In the

D-Bert: whole state.

Daniel: Um,

D-Bert: it's very sparsely populated.

Daniel: What's their fucking problem?

D-Bert: Um, rude.

That's good question. No, it's just, it's very, it's one of our lowest population in terms of state. Um, but it's bigger than most of the other states, half the other states. So population density is very, very low. Yeah. There's a lot of our native, um, peoples live up there. Mm-hmm. Um, a lot of it's like living in, um, the native communities where without a lot of technology.

Right. There's only really two big cities up there, so,

Daniel: well, now I feel shitty for singling them out. Yeah, sure. Dare you a fucking asshole.

D-Bert: Single them out. That's,

Nichole: um, how many does it say? How many

D-Bert: listeners? I'm, I'm curious though. You said there was three from Melbourne and I reckon I was two of them. Did the other person reach out?

Nichole: Yeah. I wanna know, like, so we have three. Listeners in Melbourne, right?

Daniel: We have three regular, we work regular night, three regular listeners in Melbourne. But yeah, this is, this is something else that I wanted to bring up, um, is that we, when we first reached out to you, Australia in general, like all time was our number two country.

That was not the United States. You know, we had something like, oh wow. Something like, you know, over a hundred listens or something. But since then, Canada Wow. Has appeared from out of nowhere and just, just burst past you. Um,

Nichole: and this is in terms of listeners, right? Like not listens listeners.

Daniel: Like just the downloads are like downloads, like Canada's like, I mean maybe it's because of the tariffs and they're just like, well, we can still get this American good

that that's what it is.

Daniel: Free, free poly amateur hour. Thank God

they're gonna consume whatever American content they can to bypass tariffs.

It's pretty, it's crazy.

Laurel (2): We have, we have not heard from this. Third Melbourne listener.

D-Bert: So as, as soon as you said there was three and I knew I was one of them and I told my wife about it and she subscribed and she's listened to quite a, quite a few.

I'm not sure if all the episodes, I'm like, so she's the second one? No,

Daniel: your partner reach out. Is your partner slash best friends secretly listening?

D-Bert: Not that I'm aware of. I haven't even told the name of the podcast.

Laurel (2): Oh man, you gotta tell her. Come on.

D-Bert: I should. I'll probably,

Daniel: you know our, our very, our very first, our very first poly pyramid scheme segment was asking you, UBS to tell just one person you are fucking about poly amateur hour.

You did? Oh yeah. Yeah. Okay. Second, our second segment was asking you to tell two people you fucking,

Nichole: alright, so we have to find this third. Yeah. So Melbourne listener,

Laurel (2): third secret, third Melbourne listener. Please reach out. 'cause we know two of the three now. Yeah. And you're a remaining mystery and we gotta know.

Daniel: And also the people who just did, had six downloads in Western Australia. One download in.

South Australia.

D-Bert: Well, that could be people that my wife put onto. Ah,

Daniel: ah, because she's got a big

D-Bert: friend group over there.

Daniel: Nice. They didn't stick around though.

D-Bert: Three

Daniel: and three in Queensland. All right. Three downloads. Yeah. They're the

D-Bert: Texas of Australia.

Daniel: The Texas of Australia. Five in New South Wales,

redneck south.

Daniel: Well, thank you very, very much for coming on Bert.

Laurel (2): Yeah, thank you so much, Bert.

D-Bert: You're more than

welcome. It's been fun. It's great to see you.

Laurel (2): Yeah,

Daniel: we would keep you along. We would keep you around for longer, but um, Nicole has to, uh, you know, do things. Yeah.

Nichole: I gotta do

D-Bert: things. Things have a loss. Yeah. She's

Daniel: gotta get, she's gotta get to her 12 step meeting so she can vent about us.

I barely stayed sober today because of these two chuckle fox. Oh my God.

D-Bert: Well, you can go have a drink after, as I said. Now if you need to, if you need to escape refugee wise, you are more than welcome to come over. You have a spare bed. We can work out the sleeping arrangements. Maybe. Miguel, sleep in the bed.

Daniel sleeps with us. Whatever you wanna do.

Thank you. Nice, nice. It, yeah. We might need to seek refuge sooner than we we'll think. Oh, no, but where,

Daniel: where is, um, Daniel, but where? Where is, where is Peter going? Where? Where am I gonna sleep?

Motherfuckers, it's top.

D-Bert: We have a shelf.

Nichole: Alright, that's good. Love it.

Laurel (2): Yeah.

Nichole: Alright. I do have

Laurel (2): to go. Okay. All right. Yeah, I'm gonna go, we'll wrap it up. Thank you. Thank you. Thank

you

Laurel (2): so much. No problem.

Daniel: Thank you very much.