Nichole: Yesterday, I left a voice memo for one of my partners singing a song that I had been singing all day, at work, and it went like this.

Oh my God, I just don't care. Everyone can eat a cold bowl of dicks."

Uh, and I was singing this to myself around the office, left this voice memo. No response. No

Laurel: respo- Wow.

Daniel: For some reason, when you say cold bowl of dicks- Uh-huh ... I automatically visualize, like, those translucent bean thread noodles- Yeah ... but, in the shape of dicks, just like a-

Laurel: Wow. I was picturing something a lot more disturbing and gory-

Nichole: Oh

Laurel: honestly. And shame on me.

Shame on me. Question for both of you. Yeah. Yeah. Cause you know on your device when you send a voice memo, if you're on an Apple product, and it'll disappear in two minutes unless you decide to keep it.

Nichole: Yeah.

Laurel: Do you ever save your own voice memos?

Nichole: 1,000%. 10.

Laurel: Because they're so good.

Nichole: 1,000%. Someday I'm gonna wanna- Yeah

you know, relive the podcast of my life- Yeah. ... and so I'm gonna need, this podcast and my own personal voice memos.

Daniel: For long spells of the day, I completely run out of thoughts, and so I just need to recycle and replay my voice memos.

Nichole: Oh, also for, you know, alibis and, what if I go missing?

Laurel: Ooh, yes.

Um-

Nichole: Yeah You know? Like- There

Laurel: needs to be a trail.

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel (2): But that might be a reason not to save them in case the voice memo is like, " I am now going to go out and murder blank person. ."

Nichole: I was considering- Mom ... me not doing the crime. I would not be-

Laurel: Yeah. you don't do that on main anyway.

Daniel: I mean, I would just do it in our thread. it wouldn't be a big group thread or anything. It would just be, you know.

Nichole: I guess everything is probably saved to the cloud.

Daniel: I would tell you guys if I was gonna murder somebody.

Laurel: You should tell us in person, Don't do it in a digital medium- Oh, that makes sense ... that can be traced back to anybody.

Daniel: I would need Nicole's help in planning it.

Because you're very organized. Yeah.

Nichole: No, I know, and I'm not going to say what I wanna say, which is, yes, of course. Like, I'm the most organized- ... and I could probably plan the perfect murder, but I don't want that recorded.

Laurel: So, my mom was telling me all of her death planning, like- Mm ... a good Jewish mother does. Yes. Like, you know, letting me know what is prepared, what debts I am or am not responsible for- ... et cetera, et cetera. Wow.

Daniel: We should really just have our moms hang out so they can just-

Laurel: Tell each other? Yes. And then we'll have no fucking idea when they die.

Daniel: Yeah.

They can do a nice murder-suicide.

Laurel: Yeah. God.

Daniel: It sounds-

Laurel: I mean, that would... Oh, it's a real, uh, uh... What is that movie? Cross. Applesauce. Kriss Cross Murders. No. The Hunt for Red October. Stranger

Nichole: on

Daniel: a Train? Oh. Yes.

Nichole: My guess is always The Hunt for Red October.

Laurel (2): it's like Strangers on a Train" except for murder-suicide. I don't

Nichole: know. Anyway- I think the alternative title was Criss-Crossed Murder Sauce.

Daniel: Do you think Th- The Hunt for Red October is about two people meeting on a submarine and planning each other's murders?

Nichole: I think whenever, anyone's like, "What is that movie?

What is that movie?" I always say The Hunt for Red October. That's a good

Daniel: That's a good bit. That

Laurel: is a good bit. I like that.

So yeah, so we're talking about all this, like, you know, life logistic stuff. Yeah. And then we had started talking about, the house and our house hunting. and then she was like, " Oh, like what kind of like preparations are, you and Daniel and Nicole making?"

I told her about, you know, that, lawyer or advisor that we're- Yeah, mm-hmm ... gonna talk to, et cetera. And, um, how we've talked about how we are going to talk about these things Yes ... and, like, work them out- Yeah ... and make worst case scenarios. And my mom goes, Yeah, I would really imagine, between you and definitely Nicole, all the T's are gonna be crossed and the I's dotted."

Oh.

Nichole: Nah.

Daniel: I... Okay.

Nichole: I mean-

Daniel: While, while I just draw a little unicorn, you know, or, like, a rainbow-

Laurel: You're at the table- ... and a boat ... you're at the table that has the paper tablecloth and the crayons, and you're drawing the horse.

Nichole: We give you what you think is the contract. And you do, like, medieval monks- Uh-huh

and you just write in the margins- Yeah ... and, like, draw little figures and shit. And years later people are like, "What the fuck does this mean?" What is it?

Daniel: It's just like I've had the dummy microphone for like- Yes. ... two years. Mm-hmm.

Nichole: Yeah, yeah, exactly.

Daniel: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Welcome to Polyamory Hour.

Nichole: I'm Laurel. I'm Nicole.

Daniel: I'm Daniel, but that won't be recorded since this mic is plugged into nothing. For some reason I just imagine it's plugged into, like, a vegetable. Like, just a, just a, or, like, a watermelon. Like, it's just the- You

Nichole: think you're powering this potato?

Laurel: So now I want a little potato lamp in the corner

Daniel: I mean, we do need better lighting in here, but I think that, like, that would be, that would be, like, on brand for us to be like, "We need a better lighting system." And it's, like, powered by a potato.

Laurel: Powered by a flickering potato.

Daniel: as many lumens as are generated by a portable calculator.

Nichole (2): Speaking of, I still have that light bulb for jewish-wedding glass smashing, in my car.

Laurel: Oh, shit.

Daniel: Oh, yeah.

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: We were going to actually smash it last night when we had a little, , intimate reenactment of the wedding.

Nichole: For whom?

Daniel: Just ourselves. Ourselves?

Nichole: Oh.

Daniel: We took some mushrooms Oh my God ... and we, and we read our vows to each other

Nichole: How fun for you.

Laurel: It was sweet.

Daniel: It was really sweet.

Nichole: It's very, it's very sweet. I just-

Daniel (2): And the whole reason that we had planned it is because we had forgotten about the light bulb at the wedding, , and we forgot about the light bulb again.

Nichole: Again. Again. Yes. Yeah. Well, that could have- Oops ... been one of the things that you picked up when you came barreling into the house last night at 10:30.

I,

Daniel: I was, I was down off the mushrooms by that point, just so you know. I would not have-

Nichole: Okay ...

Daniel: I would not have driven on the rainbow road.

Nichole: All right, Suber, it's you know, regularly Daniel goes and, spends the night at Laurel's place. , And he had turned on the water in the backyard, before he left.

Daniel: For watering the plants.

Nichole: For watering the plants. And, he was like, "Remind me to turn this off before I leave." I did not. but I did turn off the water.

Daniel: Yes.

Nichole: And then, woke up to the dogs going fucking nuts at, like, 10:30. and he, like, comes into the room- ... and he's like,

I didn't turn off the water." And I was like, "I did. After you left, I did." I love that clip. Um, is that how I sound when you first wake me up? Anyways, you could have just also grabbed the light bulb as you were here.

Daniel: Yeah. I can only do one frantic thing at a time.

Nichole: Daniel called me seven times.

Laurel: I, I watched him do this.

Nichole: And then texted me, "Wake up, babe. I forgot to turn off the water." Last text was, "Wake up."

Daniel: Well, that one I sent while I was standing over you while you

Laurel: were sleeping. Shut up. No

Nichole: you didn't. Ah. Anyways, light bulb.

Laurel: Light bulb.

Daniel: Oh, I thought you just had an idea.

Laurel: Should that, uh... Yeah.

Daniel: No, you always... That's how you announce

Laurel: should that take us into our Crazy Sexy Poly?

Nichole: That was my attempt at a segue.

Laurel: Yeah. Light bulb. It's time for Crazy Sexy Poly.

Daniel and I got married last weekend.

it was fun. We had a very poly wedding.

Nichole: It was very poly. Yeah. Yes.

Daniel: It was beautiful. this was one of those instances of like real cross-section of family, friends- Mm-hmm ... partners, everyone together and there were no fights.

Nichole: were you expecting fights?

Daniel: no, but I didn't necessarily expect everybody to like each other as much as they did.

Nichole: I mean- Hmm ... we did have somebody hop the fence to go tell the neighbor to stop chainsawing-

Daniel: Oh ...

Nichole: right at the beginning of the ceremony. That's

Laurel: true, which could have been a fight.

Daniel: Yeah, my mom brought like this caretaker lady.

Mm-hmm. She comes across these now and then and, uh, occasionally has, you know, just some kind of like codependent platonic lesbian relationship with a younger woman. Mm-hmm.

Laurel: Mm-hmm.

Daniel: You know? It's just periodic, just switches them out. This one, Toby, like, w- when the leaf blower was going on and-

Nichole: Was it a leaf blower?

I heard it was a chainsaw.

Daniel: It was a leaf blower. It sounded like the kind of leaf blower you would use t- to cut up the bodies.

Nichole: Oh my God.

Laurel: Ugh. To make that cold bowl of dicks.

Nichole: Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Now I'm-

Laurel: Now

Nichole: you're visualizing it ... imagining the mechanism-

Laurel: Ah ...

Nichole: in which you would use a leaf blower to make a pool- Ah ... full of dicks. Okay, go on. Abort.

Daniel: You could also use it for that. So she cli- she climbed up over the fence and ran over, like, through brambles . a whole empty fallow lot.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: And then climbed up on the other fence and just started yelling at him. And I guess he probably had his, like- Yeah,

Laurel: he probably couldn't hear. Yeah ...

Daniel: and it actually took Laurel's roommate, Lillian, going around the block, going back into his backyard, which is fucking daring. Lillian, I tell you, Lillian-

Nichole: Yeah.

Laurel: Yeah ...

Daniel: that, that girl is bad.

Nichole: Yeah. And this is, like, a suburb, so those blocks are fucking huge.

Laurel: Yeah, I'm impressed that, like, she even found it.

Nichole: I know. I was thinking that, too. I was like, how do you know which house to go to?

Daniel: I just felt like so blessed that we had like two battle women

Laurel: Yeah. Yeah. Just ready.

Daniel: Yeah. That

Nichole: makes sense for a poly wedding, doesn't it?

Laurel: Right.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: It was like our Xena warrior princess and Xena's sidekick, whoever that was.

Daniel: Who was that? Yeah, you're supposed, you're supposed to have like a best man, a maid of honor, and two warrior women.

Laurel: Yes.

Nichole: Yeah. Definitely. So that was, I mean, I wouldn't call it a hiccup. Um-

Laurel: No, it was fun.

Daniel: Yeah.

Nichole: It was a good story.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: And I think the most poly part of the wedding was, this was a decision that we made right at the last minute too, like the, the week before, on this podcast, so just listen to a few episodes back and you'll see it taking shape, that Nicole would give Laurel away-

Laurel: Yeah

Daniel: and Shawn, Laurel's longest standing partner, would give me away.

Nichole: Mm-hmm.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: So it was like a meta criss-cross applesauce.

Nichole: Okay.

Laurel: Minus the murder.

Nichole: So I was talking with Michelle- our friend Michelle Sorry. That's all right. Of Polyamorous While Asian.

And, I don't know that I've ever seen her as excited about anything as I saw her in this moment, but she was like, "Nicole, the metas giving the bride and groom away?" "That was the best thing I've ever seen." And she was just so excited- Aw ... about it. It was so- Yeah ... sweet, and she was just like, just ecsta- ecstatic about-

Daniel: Aw

Nichole: this choice that y'all made.

Daniel: I feel blessed to have been able to give, I think, Michelle the, the two highlights of her life so far.

Nichole: Mm-hmm. Wh-

Daniel: which would be the metas giving, us away-

Nichole: Mm-hmm ...

Daniel: and the threegle. Yes. And

Nichole: the threegle. The, the introduction of the threegle- ...

Daniel: into the mythology. She was there when it happened.

Yep. Did you see how excited she got about the threegle? She was also- She got

Nichole: really excited about the threegle. Yeah. That's true. Yeah.

Daniel: Yeah. There's a certain thing that like she does with her-

Nichole: With her hands ...

Daniel: with her hands when she's really excited. Yeah. They, they come up kinda like robot but also like flippers.

Nichole: Yes.

Daniel: Like, yeah.

Nichole: Yeah.

Laurel: Like a animatronic T-Rex.

Nichole: It's just when you know she's excited.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: Yeah, it was a nice, very poly event. I really appreciated that, , our families and friends took it seriously.

Nichole: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Laurel: I think it's easy for people to, like, write off things in their head that don't fit the status quo.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: Mm-hmm. So the fact that, my family came all the way from the East Coast to be there. Your mom, despite her, illness, showed up.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: Mm-hmm. Um, that Sean came all the way out from Europe.

Daniel: I like that, how Sean kind of had, like, a field date at our wedding too.

Laurel: Oh, yeah. Was that a field date? It was great.

Daniel: Yeah, they'd been talking for a long time. Like, they're pretty much married.

Laurel: Uh-huh. But yeah, this, excursion was the first time that they-

Nichole: What?

Laurel: met in person.

Nichole (2): Their date at the wedding had one of Nancy's dogs. h- tho- this was the other super poly thing- Yes. Oh, yeah ... was that your Daniel, your partner, Nancy-

Daniel: Mm-hmm ...

Nichole: hosted the wedding at her house, at her giant fuck off house. Yeah. And I got the quietest room, and it was great.

Um, so Sean's date- Yeah ... held one of Nancy's dogs for an hour. Yeah. Like that dog- Just- ... did not want to move. Yeah. Just wanted to hang out on that lap This is literally what I was bred for.

Thank you.

Laurel: Uh-huh. Yeah.

Daniel: Have you seen that lap?

Nichole: Yeah, I'd sit there, too. Whew. Yeah.

Daniel: I don't know if I've live in person seen such a sculptural human being.

Laurel: Yes.

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: that's Michelangelo's Max right there.

Nichole: That's a mannequin come to life. This is Mannequin 3.

Mannequin 3, poly wedding.

Daniel: Yours, yours is funnier. Mine is more flattering.

Poly aspect number three. Dahlia, frequent guest of Polyamature Hour and good, good friend of the Q-L, officiated the wedding.

Laurel: Yeah. Yeah. Which was really great. She did such a great job.

Daniel: She did. She did. Yeah. She did. And it was not only touching, it was hilarious.

Laurel: Yes. Yes. Yeah. I had several people comment about how much they enjoyed the ceremony.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: Which I feel like is not a thing typically people -

Nichole: That is a coup, truly. People don't enjoy wedding ceremonies. Yeah.

Daniel: I mean, me and Nicole had the same result for- Yes

for our wedding, and I think people enjoy it, like when they say that they enjoy the wedding ceremony, they're thanking you for it being less than 20 minutes.

Nichole: Yes.

Laurel: thanking you for it being short, but also, like, entertaining.

Daniel: Yes.

Nichole: Yeah.

Laurel: Like, it is nice to hear, like, the really touching, like, sentimental stuff. Yes. but it's also nice to have fun- Yeah ... and to have a little song.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: Or some jokes.

Daniel: Or some pickles.

Laurel: Or some pickles.

Daniel: We exchanged items to represent the tattoos that we're going to get. Laurel's gonna get the p- pickle tattoo.

I'm going to get the tiny fists tattoo. These are our respective nicknames, What?

Nichole: This is a nickname you gave yourself.

Laurel: Yeah, and this is really, like-

Daniel: Y- yeah, but Laurel, Laurel is the one who, like, codified it and was like- ... "What if I got a p- pickle tattoo?"

Laurel: This is true.

Nichole: Okay.

Laurel: And now, and now this is, like, manifesting the p- pickleness.

Daniel: Yeah, I can't back out-

Laurel: Yeah ...

Daniel: of this nickname now.

Nichole: It was a beautiful wedding. I'm so glad that I got to be a part of it. Yeah.

Laurel: Yeah. Thank you.

Nichole: It was really special for me to be able to, participate in the ceremony and, like, bear witness to you two, making it official, I gu- I don't know, like tying the knot.

I don't, I don't really know.

Laurel: Our relationship is finally real.

Nichole: It's finally real. But what, I mean, how many metas and partners get to say that? Like- Mm ... how many people get to be in my position, no one gets to have that kind of experience that I get to have, and I think that that is really special,

Daniel: That's such a cool way of, like, flipping, your perspective on it too because I remember once we were first talking about this, right?

You felt kind of alone for a similar reason. Like, you had the negative emotional experience.

Nichole: I wasn't on Lexapro then.

Daniel: But you were like, "Uh, nobody else has this experience, therefore I have nobody to talk to."

Nichole: Mm.

Daniel: But now I hear you, like, start the sentence the exact same way, "Nobody else has this experience, and so I feel really special and lucky and blessed."

Nichole: I do.

Daniel: And so I think that that's really cool. Thanks. Thank you, Lexapro.

Laurel: Thank you, Lexapro.

Daniel: I think it's just you working on yourself too, and me helping you out, and Laurel being a good meta.

Laurel (2): It was also nice that, like, people were saying to me, and, like, my mom even, like, wrote this in the card that she gave Daniel and I, like, "Congratulations to you guys, , and also Nicole, not because you're marrying Nicole, but also because you're, like, building, like, a family together," and like-

Nichole: Yeah, people s- kept saying congratulations to me.

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: Like, all day.

Like, I was also included in the gift giving.

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: Uh-huh. Yep. I was like, "Some gifts." Yeah. I was like, "You guys, I literally didn't do anything- ... like, in this wedding at all."

Daniel: They're like, "Congratulations on having somebody to split the labor of the paperwork of, of Daniel's

life."

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: It was beautiful. Thank you.

Laurel: Thank you.

Daniel: You're beautiful. You're beautiful.

Laurel: You're

Daniel: beautiful. We're beautiful.

All right. Who wants to say what's next?

Laurel: Let's do some Between Two Pervs.

Nichole: We haven't done this in a while. This is fun.

Laurel: This is the segment where we look at press releases sent to us. And then we do some kind of pretend, like, mock interviews with the person they're trying to publicize in this press release or the product.

Nichole: Yeah, 'cause this person or product is probably not a fit for our pod- These people did not listen to our podcast.

Daniel: We have one specific press agent who seems to be the biggest culprit- ... in just sending us these random-ass people and I'm just gonna call her Bladdison Mask.

Nichole: Sure.

Daniel: Yeah.

Nichole: Yeah.

Laurel: Does she get paid per email she sends?

Nichole: Yes. All right, who... what is this all about?

Laurel: Yeah, what do we got this time?

Daniel: All right. One thing I can say for this email- Mm-hmm ... is that it does have a nice hooky subject line.

Nichole: Okay.

Daniel: Podcast guest, colon. I'm doing it with a werewolf.

Nichole: I don't like this.

Daniel: They did auto-fill our names.

Laurel: Mm-hmm.

Daniel: Okay.

Laurel: Love it.

Daniel: Hi, Nicole, Daniel, and Laurel, and spelled your name correctly.

Nichole: That's crazy.

Daniel: That's great.

Laurel: Wow. Did AI write this?

Daniel: Yes. There's no doubt-

Laurel: Yeah ...

Daniel: in my mind Women's erotica is overrun with werewolves, fae, and monsters.

Laurel: True.

Daniel: A third of women in a viral poll say they'd rather meet a bear alone in the woods than a man.

Laurel: The, uh, the conflation

Nichole: of those two things is hilarious. Yeah. Women do not wanna meet a bear in the woods to fuck.

Daniel: Young people are having less sex than any generation before them. Men are disappearing into a loneliness epidemic so profound, the researchers are calling it a public health crisis. And somewhere in Medellin, a woman is going down on a haptic dildo connected to the internet while a man in Peoria feels every single movement of her mouth on his body in real time.

Nichole: I am really wondering where all this panic is going.

Daniel: I love just piling on every single sensational thing about the state of sexuality where none of it is really connected.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: Yeah.

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: Like-

Laurel: Or true.

Daniel: Yeah.

Nichole: Yeah, that is true. The study that says that young people are having less sex-

Daniel: Yeah

Nichole: this is at least in Australia, I don't know about the United States. In Australia, they did not count oral sex as sex.

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: For sure. Which means they're not counting-

Daniel: Yeah ...

Nichole: like, any kind of fooling around. It's pretty much just hetero sex. Yeah. And like, oral- And like hetero intercourse.

Laurel: Yeah ...

Daniel: and, like, oral sex is pretty much the only kind of sex that you can have with a bear if you meet him in the woods. Oh. It's the only safe, it's the only safe sexual practice.

Laurel: Okay,

Nichole: anyways.

Laurel: And men aren't actually any lonelier than women,

Nichole: And they're not any lonelier than they used to be.

Yeah.

Daniel: No,

Laurel: they're

Daniel: just bitchier about it.

Laurel: They're, yeah.

Nichole: They have platforms to talk about it. It's the exact same thing with, like, the rise of autism and the rise of depression. Yeah. We didn't start talking about autism until the 1980s, and then we didn't start talking about depression in teenagers until, like, 1998.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: Also, I feel like the way that men, , respond to their loneliness, like, when I say that they're bitchy about it, I mean that they display aggression, which is a wild way.

Laurel: Yeah, they act like they're entitled to not be lonely just by, like, sheer existing as an asshole.

Daniel: Yes. Yeah. Somebody should tell them-

that life is suffering.

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: The Buddha tried.

Daniel: She continues, " welcome to the agentic era of sexuality."

Nichole: No, I don't, if I don't know that word, I don't know you.

Daniel: Do you, do

you- Do, do you know the word agentic in this context? I don't. Do you know what she's talking about?

Nichole: No.

Daniel: Okay. Do you want to know?

Nichole: Do I?

Daniel: Would you like me to conceal it from you as a favor?

Nichole: No, now I have to know, and now our listeners- Okay ... who don't know this word need to know.

Daniel: It's like a form of an AI program that is dedicated to a certain task, and so the agentic AI, like, acts as a specific designated, like-

Laurel: Agent ...

Daniel: who's doing things for you- Oh ... like-

Nichole: Oh, oh, oh. Agentic. Got it.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: the machines are learning our most intimate signals, and human desire will never be the same.

Laurel: Our intimate signals? I don't think it's learning our intimate signals. I think it is just learning the shit you write on Reddit.

Daniel: Yeah.

Nichole: I think it's tracking what you're googling.

Laurel: Yeah. It's not, like, measuring your pupil dilation to, like, see what actually turns you on that you're not even aware of.

Daniel: Except for the AI cock ring.

Laurel: Yeah, that measures how much your girth expands.

Daniel: Yes.

Laurel: Ew.

Daniel: Not eyeball girth, though. Eyeball girth.

Nichole: We really should focus more on the fact that our pupils dilate when we see something that we like.

Laurel: Yeah. Yeah.

Nichole: Every time there is, like, a robot-

Laurel: Yeah ...

Nichole: or an autistic person who is, like, clocking other people- Yeah

and how they respond, they always talk about the pupils dilating.

Laurel: whether it's a savant doctor.

Nichole: Yep. Yep. Or a robot.

Laurel: Or a robot.

Daniel: Susan Breton. Bratton? Bratton. Susan Bratton.

Laurel: Breton.

Daniel: Sure. has spent over two decades at the crossroads of heart-connected lovemaking and cutting edge sex technology.

That sounds lonely.

Laurel: Heart-connected lovemaking.

And cutting edge technology.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: 20 years ...

Nichole: It used to be she would watch people have sex while she had her Motorola ra- That was the cutting edge technology. It was. Or she was like, "How to fax a love letter."

Daniel: She w- she was one of those people who could, text with one hand when you had to do it with the buttons-

Nichole: Uh-huh ...

Daniel: and sh- and simultaneously jerk off. Oh.

Nichole: Yeah,

Laurel: she

Nichole: knew how to T9, like-

Laurel: Ooh Yeah ...

Nichole: the best of them.

Laurel: That must have cost a fortune, sexting like that.

Daniel: Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah,

Laurel: yeah.

Daniel: I'm the only one. I feel like I may be the only one who actually still has- Yeah,

Laurel: I never sexted with T9 ... Yeah,

Daniel: yeah. oh, for a minute, I was, like, thinking, like, T9, I was thinking, like, that that was one of the Terminators.

It's the liquid one.

Laurel: Did you, did you sext with a Terminator?

Daniel: Yeah, he goes all gooey. Ew,

Laurel: like in Aliens. Cutting edge technology. Yeah. Yeah.

Daniel: She has taught millions of people how to have passionate, deeply satisfying sex lives that get better with age. She has also personally tested, recommended, and championed every major category of sex tech on the market, from orgasm-graphing vibrators and AI adaptive pleasure devices, to erection tracking rings, porn-synced strokers, and intravaginal red light regeneration tools.

Laurel: Wow.

Nichole: That last one is not a sex toy.

Daniel: No. I think, is that, like, a virgin surgery kind of thing where you're- Yeah ... like trying to rejuvenate your vagina?

Laurel: It's like taking, you know, my red light therapy thing for my hands- Yeah ... it's like putting that on a wand and sticking it in your pussy.

Nichole: Oh, your hands do look good.

Thank you. I just noticed, 'cause my hands look fucking old. So-

Laurel: One, your hands don't look old, but- Yes, they

Nichole: do ...

Laurel: put 'em in front of a red light thing.

Daniel: Can I- Well, may- maybe I can get behind it then h- as somebody with some pelvic floor disorder, maybe that's-

Laurel: Maybe you need to shove a red light up there.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: All right. Call Breton.

Daniel: I love sex toys. I'm all for technology. It's once you start, like, inviting the AI into the bedroom like, who invited you in here? And-

Nichole: Maybe this will be answered, but, like, why? Like, why do we ha- why do we have to do... Why?

Laurel: Because-

Nichole: Why is she doing this?

Laurel: Because we'd rather be with the bear than the man in the woods.

Nichole: Right, right, right, right, right, right, right.

Laurel: And now we finally can.

Daniel: Because every aspect of your life must be monetized, including the inside of your vagina.

Laurel: What is so weird about this is that it starts with all of this, like, scare shit about how, sad and lonely our, like, sex lives are now.

Daniel: And how the whole world is going off the rails.

Laurel: Yeah, and then it's like, "So let's lean into that."

Nichole: Yeah, that's what I don't understand is, like, what is the connection between her teaching millions of people about how have good sex, but yet people are still, like, so lonely and so disconnected?

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel (2): There is no connection.

This is just tricky copywriting where it is trying to hook you progressively. And like, in a way it is a, a well-crafted, like, marketing email- Mm-hmm ... because it's got the hooky subject line, and then, like, it has a series of sentences that make it more and more difficult for you to stop reading because you're like f- lions and tigers and bears,

Daniel: she's also the person asking the hardest questions in this space. Is this technology meeting us where we are, or is it locking us further into the patterns that were already limiting us? And does it matter if the experience is genuinely pleasurable and genuinely wanted?

Laurel: Hmm.

Daniel: So it's like, if you give consent to the robot, is it great?

Laurel: Yeah. I mean, are, are we gonna look back on this in 20 years and be like, "Wow, we were really clutching our pearls over the AI werewolf sex machine hooked up to the man in Peoria"? It's all hooked up to one man

Nichole: in Peoria. That man is exhausted.

Laurel: He's, like, dead now. There was a, there was a Star Trek episode about this. Yeah. Yeah. Just a corpse in Peoria. Yeah. Constantly getting head from a werewolf or something. I don't know.

Daniel (2): that sounds like a dating, profile headline. Corpse in Peoria- Corpse in Peoria ... constantly getting head from werewolf

Laurel: in search of same.

I just want someone to talk to. I'm so lonely Until I realize that this is actually a really special and unique experience.

Daniel: Ah. Um, I'd like to schedule, Susan, for an interview with you on Poly Amateur Hour to map the full landscape of where sex tech is right now and where it is going through stories, science, and a healthy amount of outrage and delight.

Laurel: Hmm.

Daniel: Whoa.

Laurel: Hmm.

Daniel: She keeps, she keeps going back and forth, right? Horror, hope, horror, hope.

Laurel: I mean, it has it all.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: Horror and hope.

Nichole: It has it both.

Laurel: Isn't that what you want in your sexual excursions?

Daniel: It's what I want with my forest sex bear.

Laurel: A little bit of horror, a little bit of hope. Will I live through this? I hope so.

Daniel: she will cover the categories your listeners have never heard explained clearly. Hmm.

Laurel: From

Daniel: AI companions that adapt to your emotional state in real time to porn sync strokers that put a man physically inside the scene.

Nichole: Oh my God.

our listeners have never heard a porn stroker , being explained clearly. Like, I think we just did.

Daniel: Yeah. And also explained in a way that's all about, like, the male gaze of, like, pornography, like the deep inside so-and-so, like- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ...

Nichole: you

Daniel: know? Like, you know, the kinds of things we were using to, , market your, your surgery photos.

Nichole: Oh.

Daniel: The man is inside the scene. It's like that m- , movie Fantastic Voyage.

Laurel: I don't see that. No. What happened?

Daniel: It's, it's a classic. They shrink people down and put them inside the president's bloodstream in order to-

Laurel: Oh, yeah. Yeah,

Daniel: yeah. That's what this does.

From porn-synced strokers that put a man physically inside the scene to AR headsets where the perspective shifts, and suddenly you are the man in the group sex fantasy. Oh. Or the smart vibrator that graphs your orgasm so you can watch cortisol and alcohol flatten your pleasure curves in real time.

Nichole: What?

Laurel: We've finally reached Demolition Man.

Daniel: she will connect sex tech to the social crises nobody is connecting it to yet.

Nichole: I don't understand how it helps.

Laurel: Yeah, I don't. Yeah.

Daniel: The male loneliness epidemic, The collapse of young people's sex lives, and the women who would genuinely rather meet a bear.

Nichole: Again, that's not what that means.

Daniel: Oh, are you sure? Because she maintains these are not separate stories.

They are the same story, and sex tech is accelerating every thread of it simultaneously.

Nichole: For bad?

Daniel: For good.

Nichole: I don't think so. And

Laurel: horror.

Nichole: Everything- Who knows? ... she's explaining is self-pleasure. So, like, how is a porn-enabled stroker supposed to connect us to people?

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: If it's a singular experience that you're having.

You can't share an AR headset with somebody else.

Daniel: I mean, I think that one way that you could use this, like, safely- ... like, to play, uh, devil's assumption?

Nichole: Mm-hmm.

Daniel: Is that what it would be? Uh-huh, yeah. you would put the AR headset on, and then you can meet a virtual bear.

Laurel: I mean, I'm not gonna lie, that it might be the most interesting aspect of it would be to wear an AR headset and then switch perspectives with your partner.

Nichole: Ugh. Yeah. Ugh.

Daniel: Yeah.

Nichole: Uh-uh.

Laurel: Nicole hates it.

Nichole: I hate it. I hate it.

Daniel: In case you ever wanted to suck your own dick but were never able to.

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: That would just be-

wouldn't be a great view. Um

Daniel: Oh. Oh.

Nichole: Babe, no, no, no, no.

Daniel: It's just coming at you like a bowl of cold dicks. No,

Nichole: no. It's just... It would just be your abdomen in and out. In and out.

Laurel: And depending- Close but far

Nichole: away ...

Laurel: depending on how recently you groom, sometimes there's a little cushion, a little pubic hair cushion.

And

Nichole: sometimes there's not.

Laurel: Sometimes there's not.

Daniel: The way that you say that makes me think you like having a forehead rest.

Laurel: You should s- specifically groom one in.

Like, everywhere else, trim it back, but then have an extra fluffy forehead rest.

Yeah.

Daniel: Just a treasure trail that's just, like, like a- Just just like a- ... Jew-fro treasure trail? But it's a lot. It's, like, horizontal. It's like a visor. Yeah.

Laurel: It's like- You have to make it big enough for my- It's like Jordy's visor.

Nichole: Yeah. But-

Laurel: On my upper- But, like- Pubic hair, yeah ... uh, yeah.

Nichole: You have to make it big enough for my five head.

I

Daniel: don't think you have a five head. I

Nichole: think I do.

Laurel: No.

Daniel: The only part of you that is, , strangely elongated is your beautiful swan neck.

Nichole: I was about to honk. All right. What do we have to do to get this woman out of my space?

Daniel: Would you like me to ask, , some of the, the questions? They didn't supply any questions, but I feel like I can extrapolate some.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: Laurel is usually our, our designated guest.

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: Okay? You gonna get yourself into character?

Laurel: What is my name again?

Bratton.

Nichole: Susan.

Laurel: Susan. Bratton. Su- Susan Bratton.

Daniel: So first of all, Susan, how does-

Laurel: Yes.

Daniel: How do-

Laurel: What can I do for you? I don't know what this accent is.

Daniel: How do you pronounce your name?

Laurel: Susan Bratton.

I've been at the intersection- ... of heart, love. Aw.

Daniel: I feel so nostalgic. This is like a French accent that I haven't heard, heard since The Pink Panther.

Laurel: Sex tech.

Daniel: So my first question for you, you know, I feel like a lot of your listeners and fans may be a little bit confused by some of the media that you've put out there.

So I'm just gonna ask you straightforward, AI sex tech, is it good or bad?

Laurel: It is terrible. And beautiful. Much like existence.

It is pleasure and pain.

Daniel: I've noticed that the AR headsets that you've developed have a forehead cushion,

Laurel: Made of real pubic hair.

Daniel: Yes.

Laurel: Human pubic hair.

Daniel: Well, first I wanted to make sure, where is this-

Laurel: Ethically sourced pubic hair.

Daniel: That's what I was concerned about. Thank you. Thank you. I noticed also that there is a telescoping arm to hold a Gauloises cigarette. And so I just wanted to, you know, ask, is this really necessary for anyone outside of France?

Laurel: I'd like to apologize to our French listeners. That was like, that was, that was the honk that Nicole could have made. Oh

my God. This woman is not at all French.

Nichole: She's not. You just cited that.

Daniel: So you mentioned, you know, technology that could suddenly put a man in the center of the action. Where are some other places that this technology could put men?

Laurel: Inside the bed that's a woman wants to fuck.

Daniel: Now, in the olden days, they would typically just get a, you know, full size bear suit. What's wrong with the organic approach to this type of play?

Laurel: The women, they see right through it.

Then no, this is not really a bear?

Is not as sensual as the bear.

Daniel: Thank you so much for joining us today, Susan. Before we let you go, I, I just wanted to ask, what is your favorite thing about Polyamature Hour?

What?

Daniel: What should we do next?

Nichole: I wanna hunt some unicorn hunters.

Daniel: Woo-hoo. Yee-haw.

Nichole: Unicorn Hunter Hunters, it's a segment where we rate unicorn hunter profiles that we find on the internet on three categories: self-aggrandizement-

Daniel: Arbitrary rules

Laurel: And would we unicorn for them?

Daniel: Why is that? '

Laurel: Cause maybe Laurel would.

Nichole: If you find a great unicorn hunter profile, you could send it to us at polyamateurhour@gmail.com, or you can go to our website, polyamateurhour.com, and you can submit it via our form.

Laurel: Yeah. It's nice and fancy.

Daniel: Laura built it herself.

Laurel: I made it myself.

Daniel: Nice form.

Laurel: Mm.

Daniel: So this one was actually s- What?

Nichole: Sorry. You reminded me of a commercial from the early 2000s. It just came blazing into my head. Do you guys remember BOD?

Laurel: Ooh, wait, it's ringing bells, but I can't quite place

Nichole: it It was a body spray for men. It was like proto Axe spray

Laurel: Ugh.

Nichole: And the commercial went, " Wow.

Yeah. So you really just reminded me of that. Ooh.

Daniel: Nicole is our, like, personal, vintage media feed.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: Mm-hmm. Like, we don't have to search for this stuff on the internet for, like, '80s, '90s commercials. She's got them-

Laurel: Yes

Nichole: Oh, I- ...

Daniel: filed away ...

Nichole: I am your personal VH1. Yeah.

Daniel: That was part of our wedding ceremony. Do you take Nicole to be your personal VH1?

Nichole: All right, so what is this, profile?

Daniel: So first I wanna say, this is a Stubert-supplied unicorn hunter hunters. It's from Laurel's roommate, Lilian.

she showed us this profile in real time at our wedding.

Nichole: Oh.

Daniel: Mm-hmm. Late at night, she's like, "Oh my God, you guys have to see this."

Nichole: Mm-hmm.

Daniel: And the really interesting thing about this specific unicorn hunter profile is it's the first of all time on Instagram profile.

Nichole: How does that work?

Daniel: It doesn't.

Nichole: Oh. All right. Cool, cool,

Daniel: cool. this is going to be a journey into confusion.

Nichole: Hmm. All right.

Daniel: this Instagram experience I feel like goes in three phases. Uh-huh. There's very little text. This is gonna be a little different than our usual Unicorn Hunter Hunters.

Nichole: Okay.

Daniel: The first one is the picture with the invitational text Georgia couple looking for a fun, down-to-earth women to hang with and have fun with. No games, no bullshit, we too old for that.

Nichole: They want a fun women to have fun with?

Laurel: A fun women to have fun with. None of that bullshit. Too old.

Daniel: Too old.

Laurel: Too old.

Daniel: And this is across a picture of this gentleman who is wearing a backwards baseball cap-

Nichole: Mm-hmm

Daniel: which follows him through most of this profile.

Nichole: Mm-hmm.

Daniel: He is wearing a Venom T-shirt.

Nichole: Not the band.

Daniel: No, the super villain.

Nichole: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Daniel: Yeah. And grinning at you as though to be like, "Yeah, I'm too old for this shit."

Nichole: Yeah. He also looks like he's walking from a construction site on a rooftop. nope, nope.

It's a rollercoaster. It's a rollercoaster. He's walking away from a rollercoaster. Wait, is it

Laurel: just him?

Daniel: The, the first it's just him. I hope that he- Oh, God ... I hope that he did not build that rollercoaster.

Nichole: Rollercoaster tycoon seeks women.

Laurel: Yeah. So that's like, that's like a story. That was, like, in his stories or that was, like, a post?

Daniel: That is a post.

Laurel: Okay.

Nichole: Wow.

Daniel: We've got now a second picture with the same text. This is both of them, although she is wearing a mask. It is a leopard print COVID mask, which is kinda nice. I do like that.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: He is still wearing the backwards baseball cap and sunglasses. now to conceal his identity.

Laurel: Mm-hmm. So those are two different posts?

Yes.

Daniel: Yeah, there are a series of posts here- Oh, no ... that all say the same thing.

Laurel: Okay.

Daniel: There is, there is one of just her.

Laurel: Okay. No mask?

Daniel: No mask.

Nichole: Ah, b- ha. Oh. Oh. Ha.

Daniel: Hey.

Nichole: Ha.

Daniel: Where is she? She's on a boat.

Nichole: She's on a boat?

Laurel: She's on a boat.

Daniel: She's on a boat.

Laurel: Oh, shit. Let me see. Turn it back toward me.

Daniel: There's something weird going on in the background.

Like, is that him in the background? Like, she's in the foreground at, near the front of the boat, and there's some kind of human, like, leg. There's some body. There's, like, a couple meat sticks back there. No?

Laurel: Yeah, he's, like, leaning over, like, searching the boat for-

Nichole: Enhance.

Laurel: Yeah, enhance Enhance. Enhance. Uh- Is

Daniel: he...

Looks like, is he hiding a body?

Laurel: Yeah, there's, like, a storage thing under this, like, convertible part of the boat, and that's where they have the last woman that they hooked up with. Oh, my God.

Daniel: Is that just his butt sticking out pretty much?

Nichole: We don't know that, that that's him.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: That could be anybody.

Laurel: it looks like someone heavier than the man that we've been seeing, but-

Daniel: It's somebody who really did not wanna be in the picture and is diving- Diving Diving off the

down to conceal themself.

Laurel: I just drive the boat

Daniel: Okay, Phase two of this Instagram profile is that the other posts, there are very few posts. Mm-hmm. The other ones have nothing to do with the dating part, okay?

Laurel: Okay.

Daniel (2): So it's just an invitation to be their unicorn, and then just the before picture of the woman's weight loss journey photo- ... like indicating that this is like the beginning of their weight loss journey.

Laurel: Okay.

Daniel: Great. Inspirational. Mm-hmm. Weight loss journey. Just so fucking mysterious that, like, it is just this one photo which looks like a fucking, \

Nichole: Mugshot?

Daniel: Yeah. Looks like a fucking mugshot. and then nothing else.

Like, this is it.

Laurel: Oh, there's no after pictures. There's nothing else about

Daniel: this journey. There's nothing else. There's no day two. There is just the day one post.

Laurel: Okay.

Nichole: Okay.

Daniel: Are you ready for phase three of this Instagram profile?

Laurel: Yeah

Daniel: It's just pictures of their wedding

Laurel: Aw.

Daniel: That look like it's in their backyard, and they have some cupcakes.

Laurel: Aw.

Daniel: Aw. They're cutting a cake. Lots of pictures of kids in their unicorn hunting profile.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: Yeah. and this is my favorite. Okay, they appear here to be standing with their parents, this is another wedding picture, in their backyard, but this appears to be a bridge over nothing. This is a blue painted bridge with railing only on one side. It is not attached to anything that we can see.

It's a, it's too narrow to be a porch. It's just like, is it, like, a little, like, a lookout bridge?

Nichole: I think they got married on a mini golf course.

Laurel: What's actually hilarious about this is those are all things that people would use to, like, identify this picture as AI.

Like, look, the bridge is over nothing. There's only a railing on one side. Yeah. Yeah. But this seems very real.

Nichole: Maybe that's just the photograph bridge.

Daniel: But look at... This bridge is being held up by, like, a, a stack-

of bricks- Oh, my God ... if you look very close.

Laurel: Oh, wow. Under-

Nichole: Oh, that's so dangerous.

Laurel: Yeah, what is happening? Get

Nichole: grandma off that bridge.

Laurel: Yeah, get-

Daniel: Yeah ...

Laurel: yeah. Please.

Daniel: Did they put this up over a ditch in their backyard? They're like, "We're gonna build a, a bright sky blue bridge over our, our backyard ditch."

Anyway, that's it.

Laurel: Wow. Okay.

Nichole: Okay. Is this a- Ooh, wow ... shared profile between two people?

Daniel: Yes. Whoa. And we know about this because , they started following Lillian.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: Who is, like, a dancer, so they were, like, scouting her, like-

Laurel: They're looking for hot babes.

Nichole: Whoa.

Daniel: On the far, far coast.

Laurel: Wow.

Nichole: Wow.

Daniel: And she is, like, waiting with bated breath for us to tell her that she can block them.

Nichole: We needed to have this first- Yeah ... before she could block them.

Daniel: Yes.

Nichole: I need to know what they were thinking.

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: I have to know.

Laurel: Do they not know how to delete posts?

Daniel: like they forgot that they went and did this one thing in their profile.

They forgot that they like started it as a unicorn hunting profile. Yeah. And then they're like, "We're gonna go and post pictures of our family."

Nichole: Yeah, I think, okay, that is genuinely confusing. If they started the profile with these solicit- I'm just calling them solicitations. Yeah, yeah, yes. it seems the purpose of the profile, to then post photos of children, one.

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: But they also feature a bridge that is super not up to code.

Laurel: Definitely not.

Nichole: Um- That's really

Laurel: the most concerning thing about this profile ...

Nichole: that does actually really concern me because that, there is a grandma on that bridge. There is a grandma. And it is held up by bricks, and that is really- Save

Daniel: the grandma ...

Nichole: I'm really concerned. Gam

Laurel: gam. We should start a GoFundMe for her.

Nichole: For gam gam?

Laurel: Yeah. Where

Daniel: we just put this photo up? Yeah. Save this woman.

Nichole: Taken seconds before tragedy.

Laurel: Oh my God.

Nichole: All right, well,

Daniel: rating.

Laurel: Self-aggrandizement.

Daniel: There's something about the attitude

Laurel: The audacity of making an Instagram profile for-

Daniel: Yeah ...

Laurel: unicorn hunting.

Daniel: I, I mean, it still doesn't gain them much. Maybe like a three-

Laurel: Okay

Daniel: on self-aggrandizement.

Laurel: Okay. Okay. I mean, there's a boat. Oh. I mean,

Nichole: don't forget about the boat. So that's, that's the thing, is I'm giving them points for boat-

Laurel: Mm-hmm.

Daniel: Uh-huh ...

Nichole: and rollercoaster. Oh.

Daniel: Oh.

Nichole: They're not on the rollercoaster, they're walking away from the rollercoaster. I thought it was a construction site-

where he was gonna murder me, but...

Daniel: What if he never rode that rollercoaster but he just went there specifically, they did a photo op?

Nichole: To take a photo? To take a

Daniel: photo. Yeah. "

Nichole: Hey, babe, make it look like I'm walking off the rollercoaster."

Daniel: he, uh, he posts the photo online, like, on a Reddit thread, and is like, " Hey, Photoshop people- ... put me in front of a rollercoaster."

Nichole: And that's

Laurel: the best

Nichole: Yeah, I mean, I would probably say they get two points each for the boat and the rollercoaster. Okay. So four.

Laurel: Four. I'll say four too.

Nichole: Okay.

Laurel: It is, there's some vibes, and there's a boat,

Nichole: Okay, arbitrary rules. Do they have any?

Laurel: women and no bullshit.

Daniel: Yeah, I feel like the no games, no bullshit is rule vibes.

Nichole: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Daniel: Right? '

Nichole: Cause they get to decide what's games and bullshit.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: Yes.

Nichole (2): I mean, again, like, it would be a thing where, like, the rules would probably pop up once you're there maybe.

Yeah. Um,

Laurel: I could see their no games, no bullshit meaning just, like, as soon as you talk to us, you are contractually obligated to meet up with us and have sex with us.

Yeah. Like, the games and- Yeah ... the bullshit- Yep ... is, like, actually deciding whether or not you gel with these people. Yeah. Yes. And if you don't, that's games and bullshit. Yeah.

Nichole: Yes. Yeah. That is a very good point.

Laurel: Yeah. Yeah. Those are the vibes that I get from these people.

Nichole: So how would we rate that?

Daniel: From now on, I am going to, like, when I ask somebody out on a first date, I was like, I'm gonna be like, "Hey, would you like to s- someday go out for some games and bullshit?"

Laurel: I would say yes to that.

Daniel: Yeah. I'm, that's my favorite part.

Laurel: I would be like, "I'm not so big on games, but I'm here for the bullshit."

Daniel: Right.

Nichole: Oh, yeah.

Daniel: Great.

Nichole: Yeah, I don't know, maybe another four or five.

Laurel: Yeah, I was gonna say five 'cause I'm confused.

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: I'm gonna go six-

Laurel: Mm ...

Daniel: just because of the, the forcefulness of the no bullshit.

Like, that's such a, like-

Laurel: Was any part of it in all caps?

Daniel: no. but it is all in red, and I think maybe kinda, like, Comic Sans, so.

Nichole: I think so too.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: Oh, that's right. Yeah, 'cause they, like... It wasn't just the caption. They, like-

Daniel: Yeah ...

Laurel: did text- Yeah ... over the post.

Nichole: Yep.

Daniel: a lotta people say no games, a lotta people are- No drama. Yeah. Yeah. Like, I don't want to message back and forth for a long time, but be like, "No fucking bullshit." Like- Yeah ... that's, that's- Yeah,

Laurel: that is forceful.

Daniel: Yeah. So six.

Nichole: Would we unicorn?

Daniel: Do I have to get on the bridge?

Laurel: No, but you do have to get in that little cubby on the boat.

Daniel: Uh, no, I'm a little scared of him.

Nichole: Yeah.

Laurel: I'm scared of everybody in this situation. You can't trust people who let Gam Gam on a bridge like that.

Daniel: Yeah.

Nichole: We are so focused on this bridge.

Daniel: It says a lot The world needs heroes Who's gonna get gam

Nichole: gam? OSHA.