Daniel: so today we're just going to fess up and tell you all that because of Nicole's exploded egg sack from a week back, our table is just completely filled with candy.

Nichole: It is an emergency,

Daniel: and so there's gonna be rustling of packaging. There's gonna be chewing of no.

Laurel: This is a gummy,

Nichole: I'm sorry. I wouldn't normally do this to.

Laurel: I

Nichole: was the listener whom I love so much.

Daniel: Just one listener.

Laurel: Just that one that

Nichole: Nicole loves. Just that one super knows who they are.

Laurel: Yeah. If you think it's you right into us at poly amateur aller gmail com.

Daniel: do you have names for your ovaries? uh, one of them is Mr. Ovary and one of them is Madam Ovary.

Nichole: Right. I,

Laurel: yeah,

Nichole: that one's good. Um, I feel like I shouldn't name them so I don't get too attached.

Daniel: Oh, shit.

Laurel: Yeah, that's just asking.

Nichole: Yeah.

Laurel: For tragedy.

Nichole: I took a risk naming my tits.

Laurel: Uterus is so much smaller than I thought it was as a kid.

Nichole: it's like smaller than your fist.

Laurel: Yeah. Such a little guy.

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: It's smaller than a bread box.

Laurel: Mm-hmm.

Nichole: Definitely. And yet causes so many problems.

Laurel: So many problems.

Nichole: So many problems.

Laurel: So many problems.

Daniel: I mean, it is the source of all evil.

And by evil I mean human beings.

Nichole: Money and uterus, You know what they say?

Daniel: You can't. You can't have one and the other.

Nichole: Apparently not.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: Welcome to Poly Amateur Hour.

Laurel: I'm Laurel.

Nichole: I'm Nicole.

Daniel: I'm Daniel,

Nichole: and I'm sorry.

Daniel: This is something that you should just say every time you introduce yourself. I'm sorry is always on the tip of your tongue.

Nichole: Have we talked about the, sorry jar on this podcast?

Laurel: it's getting harder and harder to like know what we have and haven't talked about on the pod and in real life.

Nichole: it's so true. One of the podcasts that I listened to, they had this thing where if they repeated a story, they got spanked with a spanking pen. had a little hand on the end of it.

I was like, how could they not know? How could they not know what they've already shared and what they've already talked about? And it's like, now I know.

Laurel: Now, you know?

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: Yep. Yeah,

When you just make yourself a, a conduit for just nonstop bullshit, it is difficult to know what bullshit has passed through the conduit.

Nichole: It's true. We also spend a lot of time together. You know, and so it's true, it's difficult to gauge what we've shared in private and in public.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: And when we're like social together at like parties, we are projecting a lot of like the same kind of vibes and telling kind of, oh my

Nichole: God, it's so true.

Daniel: Same kind of stories. And even when it's just the three of us, either we are doing that and imagining all of you stupids watching us. Naked, whether

Laurel: we don't imagine them. I made those cardboard cutouts

Nichole: of random stubbert Uhhuh of our favorite, of my favorite Stu.

Laurel: That's the only one that has an actual face.

The rest are kinda like a Zoom blurred background.

Daniel: a face and a. Photorealistic dildo.

Laurel: Oh, I get it.

Nichole: I don't,

Laurel: he's like, this cutout is also like a sex doll.

So he was assuming that you would want a penis on your sex doll.

Nichole: Got it. I mean, true. Yes.

Daniel: Yeah. I mean, you can put a penis on anyone.

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: Put a penis on it.

put things Today, we're gonna go to a store on Mississippi Avenue. Nothing has

Daniel: strap ons.

on it, but you know what we're gonna do? We're gonna put

Daniel: strap ons.

on things.

Spruce it up, make it pretty,

Daniel: That is more accurately like a Portland, Oregon tagline than like the put a bird on it thing from Portlandia, like put a dildo on

Laurel: it. I think it's a more standing like put a bird on.

It was like a passing phase Correct. In which everything had a bird on it.

Daniel: Yeah,

Laurel: correct. But I think tried and true standing. What's sustainable?

Nichole: Yes.

Daniel: Sustainable strap ons.

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: Yeah.

Laurel: That's Portland.

Nichole: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Organic, locally sourced.

Laurel: We'll compost in three to six weeks.

Nichole: Mm. Okay. So the, sorry, jar, way back in the day, uh, Daniel made me. Start a sorry jar. And it wasn't that I put like a nickel in the jar every time I said I'm sorry. It was that I had to write one nice thing about myself and put it in this piggy pink that we have that he put a little post-it note on it that said, sorry, jar.

Laurel: I think it's a good practice.

Nichole: It definitely curbed my habit of saying, sorry.

Laurel: That's exactly how adverse you are to writing nice things about yourself.

Nichole: Now at work. I never say I'm sorry, ever unless I truly did something. Yeah, I say Thank you for your patience.

Daniel: You have a completely different persona at work. Like sometimes it comes through. I

Nichole: do you Yeah.

Daniel: When we let you anywhere near the fucking spreadsheet for the podcast. But you know, I just hear you at at work.

Nichole: I know you do.

Daniel: You are just running those meetings. Like you look like you're like a little conductor, like naming all the people

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: In the meeting.

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: And then I look over at you and even if you're just like wearing a normal like t-shirt, like you're get these phantom shoulder pads, your shoulders just get pointier and pointier.

your body is now like adapting to supply the shoulder pad shape. Yeah. Even when like your sartorial choices do not,

Nichole: it's just, that's how badly I want to be. Melanie Griffith and working girl,

Laurel (2): What's our

first

segment?

Daniel: It's Invitation to Love

Daniel: this is a very special invitation to love.

Nichole: Mm-hmm.

Daniel (2): It is not only the first one that we are doing for a couple, it is also since we did this before last week's episode, the first invitation to love that we are doing while they're watching us do it.

Laurel: They're not watching us do it. We're just having a conversation with them.

They're involved.

Nichole: I think you're jumping ahead to kink night.

Daniel: Then why did I keep getting hard during the segment?

Nichole: Oh my God. Oh my God. Roll tape.

Elle: Hi. Hi guys.

Nichole: This is DJ and Yeah.

Laurel: I'm really excited for this invitation to love.

Nichole: So Invitation to Love is the segment where we review, we don't review, we,

Daniel: we review people.

Nichole: That's unicorn, hunter, hunters. Um, We started with our own.

Laurel: Yes.

Nichole: And mm-hmm. We improved them, quote unquote.

Daniel: We needed to make sure it was safe first, so we subjected ourselves to it.

Laurel: We ed.

Nichole: We ed. Yeah. And so now this is our first time that we are doing a profile. I keep calling it a review. Like, it's like it's your annual review. Like,

Daniel: I mean, we should decide on what your goals for the quarter are.

Laurel: We should, yes.

Elle: I don't know. I mean, I saw some of the emails back and forth between you and dj, um, but we have been stewards since the early days. Aw. Um, we text on our way to work and say, have you listened to amateurs yet? No.

I'm only through this much of it. I'm like, oh my God, wait till you get to the end, So who knows what was in our Muppet minds, but we were like, what if they combine these segments? And then we got help with the dating profile because it's like, it's there any ethical unicorn hunting and I don't wanna call it like unicorn, like, yeah.

Yeah. So we came up with. Unicorn husbandry.

Nichole: Oh my God.

Daniel: Oh, great. Great. Now the guests are getting in on it too, and forcing me into the fucking jingle box.

Nichole: Yeah. Get in Thele Jingle box segment with aesthetic. Yes. Thank you Stu.

Laurel: Oh my God, I love that. Oh,

Nichole: Alright, so we're gonna do an invitation to love unicorn husbandry.

Yes. Where we're gonna. Take a look at your profile and we are going to Ji.

Daniel: if I have to say anything judgmental, I'm gonna close my eyes so I can't see your pain.

DJ: That's fine.

Laurel: But Do you guys wanna, like, say a little bit about yourselves and like where you're at and like polyamory and stuff?

Elle: So, uh, DJ and I have been together for

DJ: two and a half, little over two and a half years, coming up on three.

Elle: Nice. Yeah. And we're, uh, we're, I, I've been in polyamory a little longer than you, but we're not, um, experts by any means. Um, uh, we've started our relationship open and it's been really interesting and it's been really cool, , and really makes you. Be really honest and open and kind and like forthcoming about stuff, which is awesome.

DJ: This is my first actual poly relationship where I'm going and dating other people. So that's a big fun thing to unpack and all the fun things that you get to learn about yourself through that process.

, And we've reached the point where we are extremely good together. And that's been going so well for us that we decided, Hey, you know what? I think we're ready to like maybe start looking around and seeing if there's somebody that wants to join us for either fun or.

Anything more serious or

Elle: community? Just kind of like, we're very, I'd say that we're both very like nerdy demy. Mm-hmm. Um, and I'm a middle aged baby queer, we're all somewhere in that, that mix. , And yeah, just making sure that we're not hunting, we're husband

Daniel: Well, congratulations on aging into queerness. I think that that's the best way it, it means that you're just getting more flexible and more open to all sorts of different kinds of penetration as you age.

Nichole: My God,

Daniel: Jesus.

Nichole: Daniel and I also started as open. , And what attracted us to polyamory was the radical honesty was like the commitment to actual other human beings I feel so validated. Um, and I love feeling validated, but like,

Daniel: Aw,

I hope it's all right if we just make the rest of this about Nicole.

Elle: Uh, it's a surprise. Spit toast.

Nichole: No,

absolutely not. Um, okay, so can you tell us a little bit more about, , maybe who or what you're looking for?

DJ: We are obviously absolute idiots.

Daniel: well, well, you are on this podcast, so

DJ: We really have a good time together. We have a good time with other partners that we're with, and when everybody gets together, it's just a bunch of dumb fun. Mm-hmm. I think for the purposes of what we're doing here, I think the goal is to find somebody together.

'cause we are both working outside of this for ourselves.

Nichole: Mm-hmm.

Elle: it's, it's hard, you know, you can put an intention or you know, like a, a, a vibe out that you're looking for, but we're not necessarily like, closed off to other stuff because, like, why?

That's like half the point of stuff is, you know, you find some good friends, you find somebody you date by yourself or, you know, ideally it'd be somebody we dated together, but, you know, we don't have control over her.

DJ: this is all about an entire unknown.

Laurel: I mean, I feel like that is like 90% of the hard work is like, is like having the mentality where you're like, yeah, we don't know who this person is or who these people we're gonna meet are like, we can't define that for them

and I think that's like the big thing that like all of the unicorn hunting profiles that we. , Riff on they're just so, confined to this like, weird conception that they have of this imaginary person

Nichole: you are , positioning your profile, to be like, we'll take all comers.

DJ: hopefully a lot of it,

Daniel: so there literally are no rules that either of you are feeling like you need to impose,

DJ: I mean, kind of basic life rules.

Don't be an asshole.

Daniel: For that goose with side eye, goose with side eye

Nichole: goes without saying. Because, you don't have to talk about what you don't want, right?

Yeah. It's all about setting out the intention of what you do want. Because I love it when I come across a profile that's like, no assholes. And I'm like, oh, I guess I'm out.

Elle: Lots to bullet.

Nichole: I'm not what they're looking for. Um,

Laurel: so did you have some materials prepared or anything that you wanted to bring to the table?

DJ: Sure. We had an extremely stressful day and had a couple drinks and had a great time writing this and being complete.

Elle: Chaos

DJ: Muff. Chaos Muppets. Love it. Um, which y'all can read out loud if you want.

Laurel: I'm, I'm already excited about this.

Okay. Sorry. I gotta get close and weird about it. It's

Daniel: I've gotta get close and weird about it is what Laurel says right before she kisses us still.

Laurel: Calling all curvy pervy, bt ggs, all bodies of all varieties. Are you looking for? Two neuros spicy virgos to make you orgasm endlessly and or get you help with your taxes.

Come on down to Flavor Town where you're the main dish.

Nichole: Oh my God.

Laurel: Need to be worshiped by an enthusiastic set of all body parts. Of course you do. Strengths include biblically accurate levels of pussy titties and succulent dick,

Copious amounts of cuddling. Spectacular amounts of sucking. Fantastic. Fucking, oh my God. We try. Okay, fine. You want deets? We get it. We're just a demi, nerdy pan and flirty, A FB slash amab kitchen table. Poly couple looking to meet new friends, lovers, and community.

We're experienced in love, life, loving and ln. What is ln? Wait, what do I not know

DJ: Loving and life.

Laurel: Oh, ln. Oh my God. Like

okay, let's do that again. We're experienced in love, life loving and life in and downright want more folks to do all of that with. We present as extremely norm core until we open our chaos. Muppet mouths Hell yeah. Which we enjoy a lot. Like a lot. A lot. we're just good with them. Leave a message after the beep.

Nichole: Oh my God.

Daniel: love a little analog media nod at the

end.

Nichole: I was gonna say, yeah, this, , your ages should be in your profile, but if they weren't, that would be like, oh, okay.

Daniel: I was gonna say, you're only gonna get Gen Xers, but I feel like there's a lot of like, uh, fetishization of the analog media by the youngins too, these days.

Right?

Laurel: Oh, yeah,

Daniel: yeah,

Laurel: yeah. This also applies to millennials for sure, too.

Nichole: For sure. Yeah. We had answering machines.

Laurel: Who do you think we are?

Nichole: He thinks he's so much older than us. I

Laurel: know.

Daniel: Did you have the dials though?

Nichole: Yeah. Yes. Wait, yes. Yeah.

Laurel: At grandpa's house.

Daniel: I have , the first critique.

Nichole: Okay.

Daniel: I always am, worried.

Nichole: Full stop.

Daniel: Yeah. This is true.

Nichole: Yeah, you're always

Daniel: worried. Always, always worried.

Whenever It seems like the focus is going to be too much on me, , I'm always like, Ooh, that sounds like a little bit too much. Like, like you guys are just like lying and wait, , you know, waiting with the unicorn bag and you know, when I walk into the room, you're just gonna, you're just gonna put me in the sack.

, Or it's just gonna be unbroken eye contact from both of you, or it's gonna be too much pressure and I won't be able to get it up.

Nichole: Are you saying this in response to the first half of the. Profile that we read.

Daniel: Yes, yes. Uh, response to the first half of the profile. And also probably like my PTSD from reading 10,000 unicorn hunting profiles.

Mm-hmm. And being familiar with being turned off by the idea of being too much the center of attention.

Nichole: Mm-hmm. But let me clarify something with these ubs, this first part of the profile felt mostly est, , But also with some truth in there, right?

DJ: There's truth. She does taxes.

Nichole: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And then, you know, it flows into this space that's like incredibly genuine and in incredibly kind and inclusive and like, makes me want to get to know you.

So like, I, I think frontloading with, genuine honesty warming people up to the joke.

Laurel: Yeah, I agree. 'cause I feel like, I have the in attention span of someone who has been on social media for too long, , I'll read the first two sentences and then keep going, sort of thing.

So I need to see the punchline sooner.

Nichole: Mm. Mm-hmm.

Laurel: There are people who definitely love to date couples.

This is for real. Mm-hmm. And part of the appeal of that is group sex. we kind of obfuscate that a little bit when we talk about unicorn hunting because mm-hmm. There's so much focus on like the third as a sex object. Mm-hmm. And we're all like, Ew, gross. But also like we do know that, there's fun in there.

Yeah. There's joy in there and there's like a good amount of it kind of thing. Yes. So there's like finding that balance of like, yeah, we don't have to like, pretend we're dumb or like we don't hope to get to a sexy, fun place. Without it being the main objectifying event.

Daniel: I think we just need to flip the order of operations.

Nichole: I think so too.

Daniel: I want to know all these things about who you are.

All that charming, funny, playful, chaos, Muppet tree. Show me that first before the offer of, an hour of forced orgasms is,

Nichole: but also up, you know, if we think about the audience that you're going for, like let's say it's on field they've already come across several profiles that are saying, this is what we're gonna do to you. And like they might not immediately latch on that. It is a joke,

Laurel: I also, personally, I have a really hard time believing people Who brag about or talk a lot about their sexual prowess.

I'm just like, uhhuh. I am. Like the immediate cynic in me comes out and I'm like, no, you don't.

Nichole: But as far as podcast content, you guys hit it outta the park.

Laurel: You know the scene in Beetlejuice where he's like giving Alec Baldwin the, like, look what I did with your little model town. Uh, and like, there's like a whorehouse there and there's like flashing lights and stuff and I just want, I just want one that says, come on down to Flavor Town where you're the main dish.

I just like, I, I see that so vividly in like Beetlejuice model world. I love it.

Daniel: Now do we think that the motivation of say somebody who is looking for group sex with a couple

Laurel: mm-hmm.

Daniel: Is there motivation to be the main dish? Like when you're looking at couple profiles and considering them, , I feel like you are the most active huntable unicorn in our presence.

Laurel: Yeah.

Daniel: Are you wanting to be the main dish or are you wanting them to be a smorgasboard?

Laurel: That's a good question. yeah, there are very few situations I think in which I'm looking to be the main dish

Elle: to go on that kind of like vibe. It's like maybe not the main dish, but everybody brings their hot dish of a self to the kitchen table Potluck.

Nichole: It's a potluck. Alright.

Laurel: I like that. Yeah, because I do think it is another like sort of trap that like couples tend to fall in of like, trying to avoid the unicorn hunting pitfall of like, you're here to like service us and be like a, a prop in our sex life.

It's like, let's reverse that and just be like, oh, we are here to spoil you, kind of thing. Mm-hmm. which are like , two extremes of sort of like depersonalizing ,

Nichole: but if there's a way that you can keep, come on down to Flavor Town while you're the main dish and, and people can know that it's a joke

Laurel: or, yeah, and or just put the potluck in parentheses.

Nichole: Y. Yeah. Love something.

Laurel: Love. I love an over explained, like a quippy line with like an overexplain caveat. Love that.

Nichole: Or maybe one of your profile pictures is like Beetlejuice on top of the whore house. But you did change it to say, come on down to Flavor Town where you're the main dish.

Daniel: Well,

I really liked the boob shake emphasis.

Nichole: You guys get to witness this, these two stuss. Yeah. Now we're all doing it.

Daniel: Oh, wow. Other

Nichole: Stuss. This is just for us. Ha ha.

Daniel: boob twerking. Elle, like, , you could be a a like a gesture on a game show.

Like, here's the new car to my left.

Laurel: But with a shimmy.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: Like your boobs are presenting.

Daniel: Yes. The presentation

Laurel: boosts and you could go home with a brand new Mustang.

Nichole: Is it really sad that I did fantasize about like being that when I was You wanted

Laurel: to be Vanna White?

Nichole: Yeah. It just seemed so easy.

Daniel: That really goose. That's really goose with side eye, babe. Oh

Nichole: God.

Daniel: Me and Laurel High off our asses opening her presence the other day, uh, opening the, this box of Playboys Uhhuh that Jordan got for her Uhhuh. And we were like, oh my God. This totally informed Nicole's entire, like, sense of, oh yeah, it was a very specific era of Playboy.

It was like, just post Marilyn Monroe,

Nichole (2): you guys. Got high

and you opened presents For you and you thought about me.

Laurel: Yes. Oh, we opened Centerfolds, we opened Playboy Centerfolds and we're like, this reminds us of Nicole.

That's what we did on my birthday.

Nichole: God, I have never felt so loved.

I have two people here witnessing it. Ah,

Daniel: But do you know the, the scene in the, uh, the naked gun where he's, he's remembering his partner that he lost or something and he is driving along and he's like, And there's these giant silos that look like boobs.

Laurel: Yes. Yes.

Daniel: I'm that way just with boobs. I look at boobs

Laurel: and you think of Nicole. I

Daniel: do.

Laurel: That's so sweet.

Nichole: Aw,

Laurel: that's charming.

Nichole: Thanks.

Laurel: So you should include little tidbits like that in your profile.

Nichole: Did we help you?

Laurel: Did we help? Have we helped yet?

DJ: I think so. I think we have a lot to go off of we had a lot ourselves that we were like, I don't know if this is just goofy or if this is worthwhile, and I feel validated with some of these things. Nice. And I have direction with other things with you, and we can make some choices and talk about it and actually get some real stuff put out on the internet.

Yay.

Daniel: The flood gates are open here, here that stewards, if you write into poly amateur hour@gmail.com, we can act as the Yenta here.

activating Stubbert Nation to get you laid.

Laurel: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. What do we do? Is that like a, is that like a special edition read alert?

Like,

Daniel: it's a dirty deed alert.

Laurel: Ooh. All right. All we'll workshop this.

Nichole: They were both delightful and not just because they had nice things to say about us,

Laurel: it was fun.

Daniel: I joked around about, you know, it being very special because they're watching us right. During, but I think the thing that was really fun was watching them,

Laurel: you know, I think that is, there's so much, um. Flack for people like dating as couples, but I think one of the most fun parts of polyamory if you're garden party or kitchen table or dating a couple, is getting to watch another couple, like interact.

Mm-hmm. And like see how they resonate off of each other's. Deflector Shields.

Daniel: You know, I think that it's really worthwhile, you know, sometimes to observe humans in their natural habitats interacting and using speech and body language, and eventually if I do this enough, I too will be able to sustain a relationship.

Laurel: Poly Amateur Hour, the first podcast that has been entirely created and hosted by ai.

Nichole: So we helped this couple.

Laurel: Oh yeah.

Nichole: Right.

Laurel: It was fun.

Nichole: We did a good job.

Laurel: We did a really good job, I think. And now they are swimming in pussy

Nichole: and now we're going to judge some other couples

Laurel: who are definitely not swimming in it.

Daniel: We didn't necessarily plan this as a kind of a wine and cheese pairing it just kind of turns out we had an amazing episode with Joe John Sanchez.

The third.

Laurel: They were straight shooting the real facts.

Daniel: Oh, I, I don't, I wouldn't bring straight into this.

There was nothing straight about that segment.

Laurel: Joe. John was queer. Scattering those wiggly wontons.

Daniel: I am not going to give you guys sugar before you record ever again.

Yeah. And so it turned out Probably the best part of our recording with Joe John. We saved it for you We've shown you what responsible unicorn. Procuring, procuring, what do we call it in the, oh my God.

In the segment?

Laurel: I don't know. I have

Nichole: no idea.

Laurel: I didn't even remember we called it a thing.

Nichole: Yeah, me neither.

Daniel: We've shown you what responsible unicorn cultivation can look like. And now with Joe John Sanchez ii, we are going to explore the shadow horse.

Laurel: Yes, indeed. Shadow horse.

Nichole: Yep. Yep. Roll tape.

Daniel: Unicorn hunter Hunters is the segment where we look at the profiles of unicorn hunters on the internet and we rate them on three important categories,

Laurel: self-aggrandizement, arbitrary rules,

Daniel: and would we unicorn for them? Mm-hmm. Because sometimes

Laurel: because maybe,

Daniel: You know, we also once talked about introducing a fourth rating that we never really implemented.

Ooh. Do it. And this, this. Don't

Laurel: you dare egg him on.

Daniel: This was the one time when we were like, oh, oh yeah, maybe that's something we should do.

Laurel: What? What was it?

Daniel: The danger scale.

Laurel: Oh yeah. Oh,

Joe John: I think because, is it good danger or bad danger?

Daniel: Bad danger. Bad

Joe John: danger. Oh, okay.

Daniel: and I think that this one today.

Might be a candidate for the danger scale.

Joe John: Danger. Danger, danger.

I want sexy danger though.

Daniel: you came to the wrong place.

We don't always disclose the names of the profiles, but when we do, it's because they're terrible.

Laurel: Mm-hmm. It's a public service.

Daniel: Yeah. The name of this profile is. Rob all night,

Joe John: like Rob the name,

Daniel: we, we would

Joe John: assume, we would assume he's gonna be rob all night.

Nichole: He's gonna be rob all night. You can be whoever you want all night.

Daniel: Well, that'd be really dis disorienting if it just switched halfway through.

Nichole: but also when I read this name, all I saw was row ball night.

It doesn't mean anything. It's just row ball night.

Daniel: Well, that's me in a hotel row ball night. Yeah. Yeah, you guys ready?

Laurel: Ready? Yeah, I'm ready.

Daniel: Seat belts

looking to have fun. . If you like what you see, make sure we can see what you look like as well. If you contact us without clear pictures, we will not respond. If you don't take care of yourself or are not. WHP. We are not interested.

Nichole: What does that mean?

Joe John: Uh, I think they meant height, weight, proportional and they just mixed it up.

Nichole: Oh, is HWPA thing?

Joe John: Yeah.

Daniel: White hat professional.

Nichole: That's what, yeah. You're not a butler. Get out

Daniel: we look like our picks. If you don't, then don't contact us. We don't care what you look like. Five years ago, this is not our first rodeo.

We play together or separately. However, looks and attraction must be there. If you don't look the part, you are just wasting your time. No picks, no response. We are now two thirds of the way through this profile, and it has all been them yelling at us, assuming that we are ugly and lying the entire time.

Laurel: Is it in caps?

Daniel: No. Aw, but there's no emojis so they're yelling. Right?

Laurel: Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.

Nichole: Yeah. I like how in the about section, the one part that's about them is they look like they're picks. Yeah. And it's not their first rodeo. Everything else is about how we're ugly and lying.

Daniel: Mm-hmm.

Laurel: Stop being so ugly.

Liar.

Joe John: And I might be,

Daniel: can you imagine the person who wants to beat their way through this sieve? Like, it's like, . Yes. I'm going to get all my papers in order.

Joe John: I'm getting head shots right before I send them.

Daniel: All right. Fantasies, Fantasies. I think it's really important to note that like the title of this section

Joe John: mm-hmm.

Daniel: Is fantasies.

Laurel: Wait, what is it? Mm-hmm.

Daniel: Although you'd think that if you're putting it in the fantasies section, you wouldn't start out like, this husband is straight.

That's all caps.

Joe John: Mm-hmm.

Laurel: Okay.

Daniel: If you don't understand what that means, then don't contact us.

Laurel: Hmm. That reminds me of the time that I had to explain to a colleague what heterosexual meant.

Nichole: What?

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: Sidebar. What? Yeah.

Daniel: Oh, they're like, go on. You mean, you mean, you mean just normal?

Laurel: So we worked in like the back room at a retail shop, Uhhuh. And me and my bestie were like, let's take the Kinsey scale test and figure out just how gay we are, Uhhuh. and our other colleague, very like conservative young man that we worked with was also back there with us, and he's like, I'll take it too.

Uhhuh. So we all took the test, we're showing, oh my God, we're showing our results. He gets his results, which is heterosexual, right. And then he asks us what it means.

Daniel: I bet he was. Terrified. I bet he was so worried that this test had revealed that he had some type of sexual deviance. He was like, oh my God.

Well,

he

Joe John: does. He's heterosexual.

That's not normal. How? That's disgusting.

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: How old was this person?

Laurel: I wanna say like 19 or early twenties. Oh no. Yeah.

Nichole: Okay. How did you explain heterosexuality to him?

Laurel: I said You put the penis in the vagina.

Nichole: Okay. Dr. Ruth,

Laurel: are you fall? Yeah. And I, and I just like, I got props from around you were like, put a condom on this banana.

No, I just, I said, you're, you're straight. So you're attracted to people of the opposite sex than you. That's, and then I explained like what hetero and homo meant.

Nichole: Did he miss geology?

Daniel: g geology.

Nichole: Yeah.

Laurel: Absolutely

Nichole: heterogeneous, homogeneous.

Daniel: Oh,

Nichole: when it comes to rock formations?

Daniel: Yeah. I I thought you were mixing up biology and geology.

I was like,

Joe John: I thought the

Daniel: same

Joe John: thing, Nicole, with complete

Laurel: confidence,

Joe John: but also

Daniel: it's all rocks down there. I don't know.

Nichole: I feel like that was the first introduction to what hetero and homo meant.

Laurel: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because you hear it

Nichole: Yeah.

In school

Laurel: as as a kid. You hear it in other places that are not attached to sexuality. Yeah.

Daniel: Evolution. Where as homosexuals are the more advanced. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Joe John: Mm-hmm.

Joe John: That's why the why the hetero sapiens died.

Laurel: Oh my God.

Nichole: Okay. Fantasies. Let's get on with their

Daniel: fantasies

Laurel: again. Straight fantasies. Straight.

Nichole: Yeah. Husband is straight

Daniel: wife is situationally, bi,

bi situationally. We mean she needs to be attracted by the other woman.

Nichole: What? I think two,

Daniel: I mean, by makes it sound like fla, like she's a moth and the other woman's a flame.

Laurel: Yeah. It's, yeah. Like, like it almost sounds like I need to be seduced by the other woman.

Joe John: Okay. It was actually kind of poetic though. Can I just say like, she's situationally bi by, by situationally, by, yeah. I mean,

turn. She needs to be attracted by. they're really honestly wordsmiths. Yeah. If

Daniel: they had ended that with goodbye,

Laurel: oh, they

Joe John: would've, they would've

Daniel: had me at

Joe John: goodbye. Um,

I'm still stuck on the fact that this is a, like, unicorn hunting profile, but it's Rob all night. And what about her?

Laurel: Yeah,

Nichole: yeah,

Laurel: yeah.

Joe John: She seems erased in this situation.

Nichole: Yeah, pretty sure she is. I don't think she has a name so far.

Joe John: I mean, maybe her name is all night

Nichole: or it's ball night. His name is Ro

Daniel: Ro are you, are you ready for the, the, yeah. The called Piaz Deist Dance.

All right. She likes man, not boys.

Laurel: Okay.

Daniel: Husband likes women that want to get fucked.

Laurel: Yes, yes. Yes.

Joe John: Oh, surprising. Yeah.

Daniel: It's good that his knows his type, right? Yeah,

yeah,

Laurel: yeah, yeah, yeah.

Daniel: , Secure couples that look good could carry a conversation and have no drama only.

Nichole: So where is the fantasy?

the no drama?

Daniel: The fantasy is to have all of their insecurities perfectly protected in a shell of

Joe John: mm-hmm.

Daniel: Porn.

Joe John: Mm-hmm.

Daniel: Human porn projected on all four walls.

Nichole: Yeah.

Joe John: So what I'm gathering though, like since this is a swinger situation. They are dating another couple, um, and what they're looking for is mainly men, and then. A woman who is just willing.

Laurel: Yes.

Yep.

Joe John: Oh, but they have to look like they're pictures. Sorry. Yes, we have, we Yeah,

Nichole: absolutely.

Daniel: Because you, you're gonna hold the picture up while you're fucking them. Yeah, yeah. And make sure you,

Joe John: and they, and they gotta be WHP.

Daniel: Yeah.

Nichole: Yes.

Yeah.

Joe John: Yeah. You know me.

Daniel: So I feel like the expectation here is not only that she wants to get fucked, but that she wants to get fucked by anyone at any time. Right? Mm-hmm. This is like, , hungry sex doll is what he needs,

Nichole: right? This is, where the true, like unicorn, like they're looking for a unicorn without knowing the vocabulary of unicorn.

Mm.

Joe John: Mm-hmm.

Daniel: To get really subtly into like language choice really quick. He says women that want to get fucked rather than

Nichole: rude

Daniel: rather than who,

Joe John: who,

Nichole: yeah.

Joe John: Yeah, yeah. So yeah. More object.

Daniel: Yeah.

Nichole: Absolutely.

Daniel: Mm-hmm. And, and it is only receiving, like they're not women who want to fuck.

Joe John: Yeah.

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: They are women that want to be fucked.

Joe John: Yeah.

Daniel: As

Nichole: to get fucked.

Daniel: To get fucked

Joe John: and only be fucked

Nichole: and, yes. Yeah. Um, she also likes man,

Joe John: she likes man, not boy,

Nichole: not boys man. Capital m Man.

Joe John: Once again, slightly poetic. It's like she, she likes man, like mankind. She just Yeah.

Nichole: Is

Joe John: a

Nichole: how to serve man situation from tar light zone.

Daniel: Oh, you mean like the other white mate?

Joe John: I don't know what's happening now.

Nichole: She likes, man, the concept.

Joe John: Mm-hmm.

Daniel: Man also is capitalized. So capital MAN.

Joe John: But also like there's a lack of spec specificity there of what man means. Like, yes. What, I, I need sp

Daniel: spasticity.

Joe John: We, I'm just turning into Carol Channing.

Daniel: Oh, we love Carol Channing. If you were hoping to get, get out of us all looking longingly at you. Yeah. Um, that Carol Channing impression is the wrong direction.

Joe John: Your, your speech impediment. Carol Channing.

Nichole: I decided months ago that Laurel's dog was Carol Channing.

Oh yes. Yeah. I like she talk like this,

Daniel: which does not mean we're attracted to Laurel's dog. Just for the record,

Nichole: should these people know she

Joe John: likes men?

Daniel: Boy, would you all like to see some

Joe John: pictures? Yes. Oh my God. Pictures wasn't sure if that was an option.

Daniel: All right, let's start with, uh, this bad boy.

Laurel: Does he have a floaty around his waist?

Joe John: He is on a raft.

Daniel: Some kind of water craft. It is a boat. A boat? It's a boat

Laurel: adjacent. but not quite a boat.

Joe John: Is it a boat? ' cause that may change things.

Daniel: it looks like there's seats to buckle up in, right.

Joe John: It's a boat of some kind.

Nichole: Yes. Which I think this is where it tips the danger scale for me, but we can talk about that in a minute.

Joe John: Oh, back tattoo.

What does that say up there? Is it something military? I'm getting bad vibes. I an Army T-shirt and I'm like, this is not a safe person.

Daniel: Yeah. I wanted to run these through AI to see if they were Nazi tattoos, but I feel like I can't trust the AI to actually tell me if they're Nazi tattoos.

Joe John: Absolutely. Yeah. 'cause they ai, you know,

Nichole: they're like, these are normal American tattoos.

Joe John: This is just patriotism.

Daniel: If you don't have a toting cough on your chest,

Joe John: has he been wearing sunglasses in every picture

Daniel: So far?

Joe John: I think someone being like. I have to know what you look like. And then having every photo of themselves be sunglasses is like red flag.

I'm sorry. I just like, I, I need to see an eyeball.

Daniel: Oh, it's getting, it's very metaphysical here. They, they like want you to see you.

Joe John: Yeah.

Daniel: But they,

Joe John: they, they don't want to be seen.

Daniel: They don't wanna be seen seen.

Joe John: Mm-hmm.

Daniel: Mm-hmm. They don't want their sight balls seen.

Laurel: Yeah. Every single pick.

Either his back is to the camera or he has sunglasses on.

Joe John: Yeah,

Laurel: opaque sunglasses.

Joe John: He, he is a very, A largely muscular tattooed man. Just, just for the listeners, 'cause

Laurel: Yes.

Joe John: Um, and she is blonde and I have no polite way to describe her.

That, that I don't, I just mean. She looks like she would be going to sports bars.

Laurel: Yeah. Yeah.

Joe John: And not to call back because I just listened to it and getting massages at sports bars.

Daniel: You're part of the club now.

Nichole: Wow.

Daniel: Uh, there is one of her wearing a cowboy hat. Yeah. And just a bra and panties

Joe John: And yet she does look like someone who would get on Facebook and say that Cowboy Carter isn't real country.

Daniel: Yeah.

Laurel: Yes,

Joe John: yes. You know that, that, that's the vibe I'm trying to get across about this woman.

When I say I don't want to compliment her, it has nothing to do with her physical appearance.

Laurel: Yes.

Joe John: It's just a general. For lack of better words. Trashy vibe.

Daniel: Yeah. I, I will say the one physical thing that I will make a comment on, and then I'll get really worried about having said it later on. Mm-hmm. And then I will edit it out because I'm worried that people are gonna cancel me for saying it.

Laurel: Uhhuh. Uhhuh

Daniel: is that her, , lip injections? Uhhuh, like, as she ages, like it, it's like the, all the collagen, natural collagen from the rest of her body is just going into her lips. And like her lips are gigantic and plump.

Laurel: Dude, Sean sent me like a series of pictures of women that he's come across on dating apps wherever he is currently.

Mm-hmm. And they all have extreme lip filler like that, like worse than this. Just like,

Nichole: yeah.

Laurel: I'm just like, why? What is going on? Why?

Nichole: no knock about anybody who has it. If you can do it tastefully, you can do it tastefully, but you can't get filler at the half bottle.

You have to get it at the full vial. Mm-hmm. So if you're opening that shit up, you have to get the entire thing billed,

Daniel: spoken like somebody's done a little bit of research.

Joe John: I know. Shit. I do feel like this woman could be played by Jennifer Coolidge in, um Yes. Yes. And that is

Daniel: the one positive thing that

Joe John: we'll say

Daniel: about her. Yeah.

Nichole: That's what it's, yeah.

Joe John: Thank you. But yeah, like now that we've gone into the face like the eyebrows, I'm like, what is happening there too? Yes. Yeah.

Um, and again, I don't want to comment that much on her appearance, but it's a vibe I don't like Mostly Yes.

Laurel: Yeah.

I

Daniel: mean. To be, to be clear, this is a role that Jennifer Coolidge plays. Mm-hmm. It's, it's a satirical thing. Oh, absolutely not. Jennifer Coolidge herself. Yes. Right.

Yes.

Daniel: Who is an angel?

Joe John: Yes, yes,

Nichole: yes.

Joe John: Yeah,

Daniel: yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Queer icon. Jennifer Coolidge. Mm-hmm.

Nichole: Okay. So should we start,

Joe John: sorry, what? I just, I was trying to like take this profile and be Jennifer Coolidge about it. It's like I,

Nichole: okay, so what do we start with? Uh,

Laurel: self-aggrandizement.

Nichole: Self self-aggrandizement. Yeah.

Daniel: Hmm.

Laurel: Which is,

Nichole: go on, I'm getting hungry. Please,

Daniel: Is it self-aggrandizement to talk down to other people, like to say how much you better fucking look like your pictures? Is that indirectly saying how awesome they look?

Joe John: There, there was something self-aggrandizing that I'm not remembering, but most of it was just we look like our pictures. Yeah, exactly.

And that's not exactly like a positive Right. In all cases. I mean, I'm, again, I'm not commenting upon, but like it truly, it, it's just a truth.

Nichole: I think by implying like we look like our pictures.

Mm.

Nichole: We're saying we are hot.

Laurel: Mm-hmm.

Nichole: Um, and their pictures are pretty much exclusively by water, which we know

Laurel: mm-hmm.

Nichole: Takes money.

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: Um, and denotes a little bit of like, travel, definitely a boat there, so you know, I'm gonna rate it a little bit higher. Yeah.

Daniel: There's, there's a lot of non-consensual, like doming that feels like self-aggrandizement too.

Like, um, this is not our first rodeo.

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: You're gonna get fucked. Like everything is like, like they're just walking into the room and like flexing biceps.

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: And Nazi tattoos and then making their little Nazi dance on their bicep.

Nichole: Oh God.

Laurel: I get, I get very much vibes of low income Americans cosplaying as well off.

Joe John: Oh.

Laurel: Those are the vibes I get from these folks.

Nichole: Okay.

Daniel: Yeah. They didn't say it was not their first soiree.

Joe John: That's so true. Yeah. Yeah. They're going to rodeos poor. They would

Nichole: not,

Laurel: It's very much like we want people to believe yes. That we can afford certain things. Mm-hmm. Or live a certain kind of lifestyle. Yeah.

Nichole: Boats and water.

Laurel: Boats and water. And hotels. And hotels.

Daniel: I can afford water, which in 2025 is a, is an issue.

Joe John: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm Is,

Laurel: yeah. Is a flex, honestly.

Daniel: Yeah.

Joe John: Um, are we ranking this on a scale? Sorry. Yeah,

just

Joe John: remember

Daniel: all the

Joe John: details.

Daniel: Um, uh, I'm gonna give them a seven on self aggrandizement just 'cause there's not enough direct self aggrandizement for me to jump them into the mm-hmm.

The stratosphere of the eight, nine tens. Yeah.

Laurel: I was gonna go with six 'cause it falls like a little bit more than medium.

Joe John: My instinct was six as well.

Nichole: I was gonna say seven because of the boats.

Joe John: Oh yeah.

Nichole: Because of the

Joe John: boats. Just because of the boats. Uh, interesting.

Laurel: Boats go a long way for Nicole.

Nichole: They really do.

Joe John: Well. The boat. Yeah. The boat goes a long way for me in other ways. And I need to unpack that.

Daniel: I feel like we call this the boat point, right? It's

Nichole: a

Daniel: boat

Nichole: point. Yeah.

Daniel: Nicole always it into, you know, just one notch higher.

Joe John: Yes.

Daniel: Yeah,

Joe John: yeah, yeah.

Nichole: Okay. Arbitrary rules.

Joe John: Oh, well,

Daniel: I, I feel like it's all arbitrary rules from top, top to bottom. Mm-hmm. Even though there's not that much specificity, it's so much like presumption mm-hmm. That you are like just an ugly liar. Like the whole thing is like, calling

Joe John: me ugly. You're ugly. Liar. Liar. Who, um, is a man who wants to suck the husband's dick and that's not okay.

Yeah. Yeah. How dare you? Because he's straight. Yeah. And if you don't know what that means, get out.

Daniel: Yeah. The tone, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah. The tone is like somebody who, will fucking entertain no inch of queerness. Yeah,

yeah.

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: They are hitting the classics no drama.

Joe John: Mm-hmm.

Nichole: must be fit.

Laurel: Yeah.

Nichole: Basically, like they say, take care of yourself.

Joe John: Oh, yeah.

Nichole: Um, and then use that acronym that I have never heard of before.

Joe John: Oh, yeah.

I, I don't, I'm like, it's that just a, a gay thing

Daniel: If you write straight in all caps though, is it like writing straight, spelled with an eight where it really means that you're closeted gay, like in gay porn?

Nichole: Hmm. I just think it, it doth protest too much. Yeah,

Laurel: exactly.

Wait, that's really interesting. 'cause yeah, I have not seen like, like height, weight, proportional in profiles and stuff, but I'm not typically seeing like, gay men in profiles. And if that is something that it's like more explicitly coded toward gay men.

Joe John: Interesting.

Laurel: But appears in this interesting, very straight profile.

Joe John: Oh, oh, we got him

Daniel: now. Now I've seen a lot of height, weight prop, proportionate in unicorn hunting. Ostensibly straight profiles. But maybe he's like misspelling it the queer way because, 'cause he, he, it's weight height proportionate, which is not the way that you're supposed to order it.

Mm-hmm. It's height, weight, proportionate.

Joe John: He's he's querying language.

Daniel: Yes.

Joe John: Yeah. What,

Laurel: what a

Daniel: maverick. Yeah, he's a

Joe John: revolutionary. Look, I've already called him a poet, so we have to add a fifth category. The poetry of it all.

Nichole: Yeah. I mean this is, this feels like it's all arbitrary rules. Yeah. Pretty much the entire profile.

So I'm, I, I'm gonna give it an eight.

Laurel: I was gonna say nine,

Daniel: I'm gonna give it a nine as well. And only avoiding the 10. Because there are no measurements. Weight ranges. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Height ranges or dick sizes. Yeah. Specified.

Nichole: Yeah.

Joe John: Yeah. That's, I, yeah, I was thinking nine as well, because I feel like it only gets into 10 when there's a numbered or bulleted list of things and bands.

Mm-hmm. Yes. Yeah. Yeah.

Daniel: You can't get a 10 on vibes alone.

Joe John: Yeah,

Laurel: yeah.

Joe John: Yeah. I think you need a 10 and it has to be like an impossible condition to meet.

Laurel: Yes. Yeah.

Daniel: But how fucking impressive is it that this couple, got a nine on pretty much vibes alone. Yeah.

It's very

Nichole: impressive. Yeah.

Laurel: Um,

Nichole: okay. Should we talk about the danger scale?

Laurel: Oh, first? Yeah.

Nichole: Yeah. Okay. Danger. Before we, before we go into, um, wood, we unicorn, so

Daniel: mm-hmm.

Nichole: again, I'm always looking for boats. Mm-hmm. Right? Mm-hmm. As a marker of affluence or as a marker of like party lifestyle, right?

Mm-hmm. This boat,

Daniel: murder boat,

Nichole: abso fucking lly tattooed man sitting by himself on this boat.

Daniel: Yeah.

Nichole: On what looks like to be a lake with no people anywhere.

Laurel: Is this an implication situation?

Daniel: This is knife and water.

Nichole: What?

Laurel: I am making an always sunny reference. Oh,

Daniel: I'm making a Polanski film reference.

Joe John: There are too many references on this podcast, and I think as a guest I need to say they need to stop because I can't possibly understand every moment of culture that is coming up now. And it's fine. I let the Star Trek slide, but at this point I need to set my foot down.

Nichole: Fair.

Joe John: Um, go on.

Nichole: I just, I just am scared.

Joe John: Mm-hmm.

Nichole: Of that, those two photos, the one of him facing me mm-hmm. And definitely the one of him

Joe John: is

Nichole: that facing away? Yes, absolutely. Because he's just looking at the dead body that he's already thrown into the lake.

Daniel: There's so much wrath too. Mm-hmm. Just in the tone of this. Mm-hmm.

Like it is just baked with fucking disdain and anger from top to bottom.

Nichole: Yes.

Joe John: Mm-hmm. I, I can say safely looking at these people that they would hate crime me Those are also strangling arms.

Laurel: Those are definitely strangling arms. This is like, if you do enter this situation and you are not, what was the phrasing? They're. That thing to get fucked.

Daniel: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. That their thing to

Laurel: that, if you're not that their thing,

Daniel: that their fuck thing

Laurel: to then get fucked.

Mm-hmm. You are going over the side of the boat.

Joe John: Yes. Yeah. And I, I just wanna like add a distinction that I think there's a spectrum between choke me daddy arms and strangling arms. Yes. Yes. And it is a spectrum. And these are leaning towards the strangling spectrum. Strong. Strong.

Nichole: Yes.

Yes,

Laurel: yes.

Daniel: Danger scale.

Laurel: Danger scale. I feel like it needs to be like, um. it's a color. Like rather than a number, like a code yellow.

Yeah. Uhhuh or code red.

Nichole: Yeah,

Laurel: Uhhuh. This is

Nichole: code red

Laurel: for, for me. This is code red? Yeah.

Daniel: Okay.

Laurel: I wanna go. Mm.

Daniel: What are the colors available to us? Well,

Joe John: yeah, it's a spectrum yellow from red To what? Green

Daniel: is it all the way from the coolest colors to the, to the hottest colors. So it's like we start it like fucking blue

Laurel: and then

Daniel: we go to red.

Laurel: It's like, you know the s the fire danger signs?

Daniel: Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Laurel: Mm-hmm. It's like that. And so green is like, there's no danger. It's fine. But then you got like yellow, orange, red,

Daniel: green, yellow, orange. I was gonna

Joe John: say red orange is

Laurel: Yeah, orange. You know, I feel red orange.

Joe John: You, that's where I'm at. Red orange.

Laurel: burnt sienna, if you will.

Daniel: I'm gonna say orange. Yeah. And the only reason why I'm not going to red is because of a little bit of the me thinks me, thinks, me think he theft too much.

Laurel: Oh, you think?

Joe John: Oh, I thought it was, you were gonna say it's 'cause I'm a man.

Daniel: I think

Joe John: he might and I'm,

Daniel: I think he might be more afraid of us than we are of him.

Like, like this level of like just aggression this is what people put up when they are not actually able to like protect themselves.

Laurel: Mm-hmm. When you back a bear into a corner.

Daniel: Yes. You know? Yes.

Joe John: It'll strangle you with it. Strangling arms. Yeah.

Laurel: With it. Strangle arms.

Daniel: Yeah.

Joe John: That actually made it hot when you said it was a bear

Daniel: literal wildlife bear.

Joe John: Don't kink shame me. Kidding, kidding. Oh my God.

Nichole: I think I know the answer to this question.

Joe John: The, the last one.

Daniel: Wood. We unicorn

Nichole: wood. We unicorn. Oh. Pretty sure.

Joe John: No. Yeah, it's a no for me,

Daniel: I, usually would never call the cops.

Joe John: Mm-hmm.

Daniel: I might make an exception for this, this couple, I might call the cops on them. Like that's the level of not unicorn for them uhhuh.

Oh. That I am at. to the point where like, I want to have them detained and

Laurel: you're gonna take out a restraining

Joe John: order. Yeah. I was confused for a second because I thought you were saying I would unicorn for them, but I'd have the cops on speed dial just in case.

Nichole: obviously I would not, but you have all planted in my head that this is Jennifer Coolidge, and so now I have this fantasy of Okay. I, I meet them at their dock, um mm-hmm. You know, or at the sports bar. Mm-hmm. Right. Um, and. She is situationally bi. That's so true. And so I situationally stand by her and I sidle up and I put my arm around her and she, you know, we started flirting, whatever, uhhuh, and like Yeah.

The guy is there, whatever. And over the course of the night, I subtly, but very straightforwardly convince her, this guy is a fucking loser. You should come with me. Let's run off into the distance. So we try to get on the boat, right? Can that boat? Yeah. So we get on the boat and he's just like, you know, he's following us and we're like, oh my God, okay, fine.

Like, get on the boat, whatever.

Daniel: It's like, but it's like slow, like a zombie, right? Like, he's like, he's like, I feel like he's, he's, uh, shuffling

Nichole: lumber. Dragging. Yeah. He's have

Joe John: that, those muscles. You can't move

Daniel: fast.

Nichole: Yeah.

Daniel: Yeah. But instead of like the, the, um, the Jason mask, he's, he's just got the sunglasses Yeah.

And the baseball cap.

Nichole: Yeah.

He

Joe John: moves like one of the, um, live action teenage mu n turtles. Yeah.

Nichole: And in more than one way, he's dead weight. Mm-hmm. And so we are on the boat, we're like literally going off into the sunset, and then I'm like, let's crack open some champagne. So then I, I take the champagne bottle and I put the cork and I, and I go to get the cork, and it accidentally hits him in the head.

He's in the lake. Oh no. Oops. We're off into the sunset.

Laurel: Oops. Nice. So

Nichole: he swims back to shore somehow, like can't figure out where like we are and just decides to give up. Right. Then

Daniel: did this, did this turn from, will you unicorn into, will you do a murder?

Joe John: Well, not a

Nichole: murder. No, not a murder, because he did survive.

I thought that

Joe John: was

Daniel: murder. He survived.

Laurel: He

Joe John: survived. He

Laurel: survived this, his memory and never, what was that movie we watched

Joe John: and he doesn't remember

Daniel: Overboard.

Laurel: Overboard. It's a literal overboard. Yes,

Joe John: and she, she is suddenly just whispering in your ear. I'm so situationally bi, you

Laurel: of the episode.